Problems with home balance

[Redmerlebaby]

My girlfriend and I have been having a hard go ever since I started my own business.

Previously I worked a regular full time job, we split our bills, and household tasks. I probably did a little more of everything back when I had the energy.

Now I'm working 60-80 hrs a week most weeks, and wearing a lot of hats while I train people and position the business to expand. By the time I get home I'm pretty tired and then do admin stuff.

I do most of the cooking, but can't help much with the housework now. I just am so low on bandwidth.

My girlfriend works 15 hrs per week at a small natural grocer, and I feel like it's reasonable that she deal with the housework and I can just do household stuff when I want, and when it's time to fix/build stuff.

She regularly gets upset about how I don't do anything for her, and how **just** paying the bills isn't enough for her, and that it doesn't always feel like we're dating.

We do a dinner date at least twice a month, I help her with any problems she has, I cook dinner for her mom, grandmother, and Uncle every week, on her last birthday I spent hours making shrimp enchiladas and side dishes, for the previous one I bought her an espresso machine as she was getting interested in it after becoming a barista.

I feel like I make her life so much easier, but she is unhappy doing the same for me in the ways that she can.

I feel like part of it is that she's never had to pay her own way in life, and doesn't realize the value I give to her life.

How do I make this click in her head??

[Batya33]

On 9/2/2024 at 1:55 PM, Redmerlebaby said:

We do a dinner date at least twice a month, I help her with any problems she has, I cook dinner for her mom, grandmother, and Uncle every week, on her last birthday I spent hours making shrimp enchiladas and side dishes, for the previous one I bought her an espresso machine as she was getting interested in it after becoming a barista.

What do you mean "any problem she has" -what problems? She says you're not helping enough.  It's lovely to buy her fancy gifts and make fancy meals but day to day that's not going to make up for what she sees as an unfair balance of labor. Why does she only work 15 hours a week? Why does she have to recognize what "value" you give to her life -why can't she simply value you as someone who enhances her value-filled life.

It sounds like an imbalance here- you have a strong work ethic and work hard (I had a very similar schedule for my 15 years of full time work in my second career) and you picked someone who you view as lazy/not having a good work ethic.  What made you think this could work and why are you trying to make up for daily routines/daily life with grand gestures?

[Cherylyn]

The only way you can make it click in her head is when you're no longer with her.  Then perhaps she'll think long and hard about why this relationship is incompatible and not sustainable.  Either she steps up or you step out.  🤨