Am I still important to my wife?

[Batya33]

14 minutes ago, HappyHippie said:

💡

thank you for saying that.  Honestly I haven’t been much for myself lately.  

Maybe this is teeny tiny in the scheme of things but one thing that reminds me to take care of me is to say no or to be matter of fact about my personal boundaries more often because when I am so much of the time I get a positive reception or at least very neutral -it reaffirms that it's ok to say no! For example I go to bed on the earlier side the past few years especially.  I sometimes have to say to a friend who wants to talk by phone or text - I'd love to and I'm signing off for now (I try to do no screen time close to an hour before bed- no phone) -obviously if truly an emergency fine but otherwise no.  I also said no to a friend who told me she's going to send me invites to this charity event in February -I already know I wouldn't be going for a number of reasons so I told her, briefly explained it's not a good event for me including because it's late at night and I'd love to make a donation.  This is not easy for me to do -I want to help, please, say YES.  But it feels good to be simple and direct and say NO.  Try it -it's good for self esteem -and try it also with your wife -with no apologies ok?

[MissCanuck]

2 hours ago, HappyHippie said:

but she’s not showing the same love that I’m showing.  I’m giving so much effort, and receiving way less effort back...

And this is the crux of it. 

She very clearly doesn't share your feelings. She has treated you with tremendous disrespect. My fear is that you will stick around and she is going to one day end it with you and you will be left absolutely devastated. 

You are worth so much more than this. 

[HappyHippie]

8 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

And this is the crux of it. 

She very clearly doesn't share your feelings. She has treated you with tremendous disrespect. My fear is that you will stick around and she is going to one day end it with you and you will be left absolutely devastated. 

You are worth so much more than this. 

It’s really hard to judge where she’s at tbh.  I am terrified of that.. I think me being bold enough to ask and go through her messages and catch her talking to her ex the way she was might have freaked her out a bit.  
 

[HappyHippie]

2 hours ago, Batya33 said:

Maybe this is teeny tiny in the scheme of things but one thing that reminds me to take care of me is to say no or to be matter of fact about my personal boundaries more often because when I am so much of the time I get a positive reception or at least very neutral -it reaffirms that it's ok to say no! For example I go to bed on the earlier side the past few years especially.  I sometimes have to say to a friend who wants to talk by phone or text - I'd love to and I'm signing off for now (I try to do no screen time close to an hour before bed- no phone) -obviously if truly an emergency fine but otherwise no.  I also said no to a friend who told me she's going to send me invites to this charity event in February -I already know I wouldn't be going for a number of reasons so I told her, briefly explained it's not a good event for me including because it's late at night and I'd love to make a donation.  This is not easy for me to do -I want to help, please, say YES.  But it feels good to be simple and direct and say NO.  Try it -it's good for self esteem -and try it also with your wife -with no apologies ok?

Roger that, I’ll give it a shot.  There’s a ton of things I think I should be saying no to, that I don’t.  Just because I want to make her happy.  But I do realize sometimes I’m doing at the costs of my own morals or happiness.

[MissCanuck]

13 minutes ago, HappyHippie said:

It’s really hard to judge where she’s at tbh.

Not when you're seeing this more objectively, as we are. 

This is not a woman who is scared to lose you as a person. She wouldn't be messing around like this if she was. She might be scared to lose the comfort and familiarity of the life she knows with you, but try not to conflate that with sentimental feelings for you as her partner. 

[mylolita]

Good evening HappyHippie! 
 

I’m sorry to read this thread. Oh boy. You’re being put through the wringer, but you’re so in love… love will blind us and bind us. It’s a very hard thing to shake. 
 

I can’t say much more than what others have already posted. 
 

I will say this though - that words can be quite shallow. If you want to know someone’s true feelings and intentions, you need to look at their actions. Actions speak louder than words. It’s a partners actions that show us how they truly feel. 
 

How is she spending her time, and who with? What does she put her energy towards? Does she still spend time with you as a couple? Does she make plans for your future, as a couple? Does she support and help you? Does she ever ask you how you’re feeling without it being some strange manipulative game? 
 

This all sounds like a bad relationship and I have to unfortunately agree with others. I am also the last person to recommend divorce as I believe in marriage, but sometimes two people simply don’t work and are bad for each other - married or not. 
 

I believe she is having an affair with this man and potentially others before and will after, also, if you stay together. Her actions show she has zero respect for you, and as a woman, it is almost impossible to admire and love a man you hold in contempt and have no respect for. I imagine she may view you as weak, gullible and stupid. Again I am so sorry OP; I am after all speculating here without the full picture, but these are my gut reactions to your posts. 
 

A line of failed relationships or divorces alone can be innocent - but usually tell us a lot of important information. It takes two to tango. Best case scenario is that she is too unaware or potentially unable, mentally, to select the correct partner - so keeps picking abusive partners or wrong matches. Another explanation for a list of failed relationships or divorces is in fact she is also part of the problem. This is the most likely reason I’m afraid. 
 

You have to think of yourself OP. How do you want to spend the next 5 years onwards of your life? How do you want to feel, day to day? What would a lovely and good relationship look like, to you? What do you need? 
 

I’m not sure if you will have ever asked yourself these questions because your focus and goal has always been selflessly on your wife - who to put it nicely, is treating you like trash. 
 

x