Am I still important to my wife?

[HappyHippie]

I’m trying to find some answers here.  I’ve been hurting a lot lately, I’m extremely emotional.  And I don’t know what to do, because if I ask my wife if I’m still important to her, she will reassure me and shower me with affection for just a moment.  
 

but as time goes on, it starts to feel the same way again.

examples: 

she knows my language of love is physical touch.  I’ve shared it with her, we took the test together so I could figure out what hers were and I did it too with her.  Hers were words of affirmation, and gifts.

 I’m not saying I’m perfect by any means, but i feel like she doesn’t want to kiss and hug me like she used to.  She doesn’t lay her head on me and cuddle up to me really anymore (which is everything and melts my insides.)  

now let’s talking about getting out.  She wants to be able to do whatever whenever and if she wants to do it alone she does it alone.  I have no problems with this whatsoever.

But I have a hard time just goi g to play cards for a couple hours or he’ll even running to a shop can be an issue.  Anything that takes the car and me from the house is almost impossible to do.  But it’s okay for me to get left at home all day until after midnight with no car or anything.

i got paid and made some dxtra money so I give her a budget of 80~$ to thrift shop with, so we don’t drown.  She knows I have bills I have to pay this week.  She goes out and spends over 300.  We are not well off by any means.  My paychecks are almost gone the second I get them to bills.  Same to hers.  But, she Doesn’t tell me anything- I just open the bank account and see the damage. And now I have to work extra ride sharing jobs just to catch back up to pay my bills..

 

Am I wrong for feeling she cares less about me now?  I feel things were different before 

[ShySoul]

Sounds like there are multiple issues here that aren't a simple question of rather or not you are important to her.

For starters, you aren't wrong to feel this way. If you feel something, there is a reason and it's valid to feel. The key is in being able to distinguish where the issue lies, and not get hung up on feeling hurt or assigning blame to her. Not that you are or would do that, just that it's an easy trap that many fall into and something to keep in mind and avoid.

Is there anything happening in her life that could be taking her concentration or energy? Is there a major change or something that could be affecting her mood? Does she feel she is getting the signs of love that are important to her? If a person isn't in the right frame of mind to be intimate or is distracted with other things, that can impact what they are comfortable doing or even have the energy for. You could still care for a person, just be at your mental or emotional limit and not be able to return someone's affection to the point they want you to. If you are stressed about something, that tends to occupy your thoughts and pushes other things aside.

Is she raising an issue about you going out? It's not clear from what you wrote. Are you the one having a hard time or is it her?

What does she do with her time, other then thrifting? Is she working? Volunteering? Going to classes? Does she have something in her life that fulfills her and make her happy?

It sounds at first glance as if you covering everything and giving her the money. She then turns and uses it as retail therapy. If her language is gifts, makes sense she is buying gifts for herself, especially if she might not have much in her life. And shopping adiction is a real thing, even if it's for thrifters. 

It's okay to hurt and be emotional. Sorry you feel that way. But I think the first step is to try and see it from her side, to see how she might be feeling and if there is a logical explanation for her behavior. If you can figure out why she might not be giving you that physical touch, you can be in a better situation to address things with her and hopefully improve them.

[smackie9]

So you see her spending money you barley have as her using you, an act of unlove. This behaviour has you questioning everything about your marriage. The only way to find out is to cut her off, cut up credit cards, alert the bank, put the accounts in your name, and don't give her access. Get into couples therapy or get individual therapy. She has low self worth so she uses buying things for an emotional boost. You have insecurity issues that need to be addressed. You covering her bills is you enabling her behaviour...time for some tough love and get this behaviour changed.

[TeeDee]

You two need to get on the same page financially.  Budgets need to be made together.  

As unhappy as you are, she's probably running away & spending all that money because she is also unhappy but manifesting it in different ways.  Talk to her.  Find out what will make both of you happy.  

[ShySoul]

Withholding funds and cutting her off could be considered a form of spousal abuse. That might not be the intent, but it could be preceived as such.

The excess spending is most likely a way to deal with unresolved issues within her, to help her feel better from what is making her unhappy.

The money most likely isn't the issue here. It is a symptom of a larger problem. You need to talk to her and figure out what is missing in her life and in the relationship.

https://minellalawgroup.com/blog/shedding-light-on-financial-abuse-in-marriage-why-full-financial-transparency-is-vital/

https://www.verywellmind.com/shopping-addiction-4157288

[LootieTootie]

goodness...  you need to kick this woman to the curb.

[Cherylyn]

Perhaps your wife is bored and stuck in a rut with you.  A lot of times excessive spending could be due to mundane daily life.  Try adding spark back into your marriage. 🎇 ✨ 💖  Do something enjoyable outside your house yet easy on the wallet. 

Put both of you on a strict budget and plan your finances accordingly.  Don't give her a budget unless she practices monetary self discipline.

Relationships and marriages are a two way street.  Your wife isn't here to describe how you are and what your personality and character is to her.  Therefore,   self evaluate.  You need to have an in depth conversation with your wife regarding how both of you can improve to make your marriage feasible,  realistic,  practical and sustainable.

[HappyHippie]

13 hours ago, smackie9 said:

So you see her spending money you barley have as her using you, an act of unlove. This behaviour has you questioning everything about your marriage. The only way to find out is to cut her off, cut up credit cards, alert the bank, put the accounts in your name, and don't give her access. Get into couples therapy or get individual therapy. She has low self worth so she uses buying things for an emotional boost. You have insecurity issues that need to be addressed. You covering her bills is you enabling her behaviour...time for some tough love and get this behaviour changed.

Thank you for your input.  I don’t think with her explosiveness that just cutting off financial resources would work. 

[shouldhavelearned]

Get back to the things that got you together in the first place

[HappyHippie]

Thanks everyone for your responses, I’ll get back to all of them when I can.

I brought up the money thing when she got home.. she said she would work it all off.  Regardless, I’m paying bills that are in my name, LATE.  
 

There are so many things I. My name.  I’m worried that because of that, it doesn’t matter to her anymore.  She has medical reasons to leave work, and she told me before she’s taking advantage of it because she gets bored.  That scares me so much, because we have so many financial things that are on my name, that I wouldn’t have done on my own.

 

you would think right after we moved I. Together, things would be new and exciting and we would just be having fun spending ti e together.  Nah, she was in a depressed mood because she wanted a new car.  It’s like she would wake up okay and then slowly work her way into being depressed about the car… and it’s not like I didn’t have a paid off 2015 focus with 90k.  She had a Kia she was overpaying for? But regardless, 2 cars.  
 

she was so upset and depressed about it, said she needed something new.. and with as strong as I feel for her, I traded my focus in for a newer car, if she would let the Kia go back and help with car payments.  Backstory, I’m disabled, fully, I have a neuromuscular disease that eats my muscles.  

Now I have even more than that in my name.  I even have a house I. My name.  This *** is important to me, and I thought it was important to her.  But I guess if work is boring it’s not even worth doing for the financial responsibilities she wanted?

and today we were talking in the car while I was uber’ing 

She told me she loved me forever.  Which did make me happy for a second.  She kept talking, she said “seriously, forever, I could even forgive you…”. Stopped for a second.  Then said “I could even forgive you for cheating.  Hell you could have a side girl if you wanted something different, I know you will still love me.  You love me so much.”.. pause.. then “I could have a boyfriend, I am an attention ***”.   I said “no, I don’t want that.”

 

I left it at that.  But I can’t help but choking back tears all day.  I don’t even know how she could say that.. in the past she even ravaged my Facebook friends list, basically deleting every female I didn’t actually know.  
 

it makes me feel like I’m not special at all anymore.  Actually all of this does.  I put in so so very much of my effort in this.  I am an extremely emotional person I’ve learned these last few years.. I just don’t know what to do anymore..

 

I love her so much- despite everything.  I don’t know what to do.. 

 

 

[Batya33]

Why do you tolerate her doing that on your social media?

Are you ok with her (lack of) work ethic?

[HappyHippie]

15 hours ago, Batya33 said:

Why do you tolerate her doing that on your social media?

Are you ok with her (lack of) work ethic?

It was when we first met, I’m not sure why I tolerated it.  I am a very respectful partner, I don’t even look at females in the same way when I’m with her.  It didn’t bother me in the least for her to do that for her comfort.. I just kinda expected her to somewhat treat me the same?  But nah, she wants to be friends with the guys that she met on dating websites and it “didn’t work out” and I’m supposed to be okay with it.  She even said herself she did t know how she would act if I did the things she did.  I don’t know why we have these double standards- and it makes me feel like she doesn’t care about my feelings.  And yes she does know how I feel about it.  Honestly I still don’t even care and would let her be friends with whoever, I’m very trusting and patient with people I love.  But the double standards hurt my feelings bad.  Maybe that’s why she said what she said about a side girl yesterday… idk anymore.

 

also idk about the work ethic.. I mean I wouldn’t care nearly as much if I didn’t have all these things on my name that I can’t pay for alone.. things that she wanted badly.

[HappyHippie]

On 9/2/2024 at 2:05 AM, ShySoul said:

Sounds like there are multiple issues here that aren't a simple question of rather or not you are important to her.

For starters, you aren't wrong to feel this way. If you feel something, there is a reason and it's valid to feel. The key is in being able to distinguish where the issue lies, and not get hung up on feeling hurt or assigning blame to her. Not that you are or would do that, just that it's an easy trap that many fall into and something to keep in mind and avoid.

Is there anything happening in her life that could be taking her concentration or energy? Is there a major change or something that could be affecting her mood? Does she feel she is getting the signs of love that are important to her? If a person isn't in the right frame of mind to be intimate or is distracted with other things, that can impact what they are comfortable doing or even have the energy for. You could still care for a person, just be at your mental or emotional limit and not be able to return someone's affection to the point they want you to. If you are stressed about something, that tends to occupy your thoughts and pushes other things aside.

Is she raising an issue about you going out? It's not clear from what you wrote. Are you the one having a hard time or is it her?

What does she do with her time, other then thrifting? Is she working? Volunteering? Going to classes? Does she have something in her life that fulfills her and make her happy?

It sounds at first glance as if you covering everything and giving her the money. She then turns and uses it as retail therapy. If her language is gifts, makes sense she is buying gifts for herself, especially if she might not have much in her life. And shopping adiction is a real thing, even if it's for thrifters. 

It's okay to hurt and be emotional. Sorry you feel that way. But I think the first step is to try and see it from her side, to see how she might be feeling and if there is a logical explanation for her behavior. If you can figure out why she might not be giving you that physical touch, you can be in a better situation to address things with her and hopefully improve them.

So the issue about going out.  I can’t go places on my own very often.  She often says she will miss me, and feels trapped and stuck and alone.  Even if she is working from home, and I’m just sitting there on my phone.

but if she wants to go anywhere, it can’t be a problem.  If she wants to go alone, then I don’t go.  It’s another thing that feels like a double standard to me.  Why is it okay for me to sit alone at home sometimes?  

I’m trying g not to think of it only from my perspective but it’s hard not to I guess…

Im going to try to ask her if something is wrong or if I’m messing up somehow.. although I feel like I am always messing up, and nothing is good enough.  It’s rough right now.. I want our relationship to work.  I love her so much.  I just want it in return- and I honestly feel like I’ve been giving 110% since we’ve been together.  

[smackie9]

On 9/2/2024 at 5:36 PM, HappyHippie said:

Thank you for your input.  I don’t think with her explosiveness that just cutting off financial resources would work. 

Yes you are right...that's why I suggest counselling. Maybe get her into therapy.

[Batya33]

58 minutes ago, HappyHippie said:

So the issue about going out.  I can’t go places on my own very often.  She often says she will miss me, and feels trapped and stuck and alone.  Even if she is working from home, and I’m just sitting there on my phone.

but if she wants to go anywhere, it can’t be a problem.  If she wants to go alone, then I don’t go.  It’s another thing that feels like a double standard to me.  Why is it okay for me to sit alone at home sometimes?  

I’m trying g not to think of it only from my perspective but it’s hard not to I guess…

Im going to try to ask her if something is wrong or if I’m messing up somehow.. although I feel like I am always messing up, and nothing is good enough.  It’s rough right now.. I want our relationship to work.  I love her so much.  I just want it in return- and I honestly feel like I’ve been giving 110% since we’ve been together.  

Sorry if you answered this but was it always like this or somewhat? Does this seem like a normal arrangement where she demands you stay home to this extent and this often for these reasons?

[ShySoul]

Somewhere along the way she has developed a poor sense of priorities. There is a missing piece inside of her that she is trying to fill with material things. The boredom is a restlessness that needs something else, but she is searching for it in all the wrong ways and will never be happy or fulfilled like this. 

She may care about you, even love you. You may be one of those things she uses to fill that hole inside her. But you can't fix it entirely. No car, house, or any other item will fix it. She has to face why she feels it and fix it herself.

In the meantime she is dragging you down. You are stretching yourself beyond your means to care for her. And that isn't healthy for you. You need to address this with her, get her to see the problem and how its hurting you and the relationship. If she needs help, go see someone. Because you can't continue like this. It's tearing you up both physically and emotionally.

14 hours ago, HappyHippie said:

Im going to try to ask her if something is wrong or if I’m messing up somehow.. although I feel like I am always messing up, and nothing is good enough.  It’s rough right now.. I want our relationship to work.  I love her so much.  I just want it in return- and I honestly feel like I’ve been giving 110% since we’ve been together.  

Sounds like you are. You aren't the one messing up. It's not that you aren't good enough. It's on her. She isn't being fair or sharing the load. Being together is a partnership, 50/50. You're doing everything, which isn't fair to you or sustainable. It is great that you love her and want it to work. But she has to want it to work just as much and be willing to put in 110% herself. Illness, boredom... those excuses shouldn't be acceptable.

On 9/3/2024 at 3:43 PM, HappyHippie said:

She kept talking, she said “seriously, forever, I could even forgive you…”. Stopped for a second.  Then said “I could even forgive you for cheating.  Hell you could have a side girl if you wanted something different, I know you will still love me.  You love me so much.”.. pause.. then “I could have a boyfriend, I am an attention ***”.   I said “no, I don’t want that.”

When a person tells you who they are, believe them. 

Again, misplaced priority. She is equating sex with being happy. Offering you a chance to be with someone else to keep you around, knowing you aren't the kind to take that offer. Opening the door for her to seek something else as well. For whatever reason - manipulation or a deeply messed up person - she is trying to fill a void within with something that will never really fulfill her. And again she is dragging you down.

Be careful. Try to talk to a professional if you really want to make things work. But don't allow yourself to continue to do everything and be mistreated by her. You deserve better

[HappyHippie]

19 hours ago, Batya33 said:

Sorry if you answered this but was it always like this or somewhat? Does this seem like a normal arrangement where she demands you stay home to this extent and this often for these reasons?

I mean, it’s more of a somewhat thing. Happened twice this month. It’s happening more often now.  Whereas she used to be more into doing things together, it seems now she more often than not wants to go alone.  And honestly- don’t even care that much for her to go do things alone, it’s just feels weird to me considering she used to want me to do basically everything she did.  
 

as far as me going places.  It’s been like that for awhile.  I often just assume I can’t go if it’s something she won’t want to do.  

[HappyHippie]

5 hours ago, ShySoul said:

Somewhere along the way she has developed a poor sense of priorities. There is a missing piece inside of her that she is trying to fill with material things. The boredom is a restlessness that needs something else, but she is searching for it in all the wrong ways and will never be happy or fulfilled like this. 

She may care about you, even love you. You may be one of those things she uses to fill that hole inside her. But you can't fix it entirely. No car, house, or any other item will fix it. She has to face why she feels it and fix it herself.

In the meantime she is dragging you down. You are stretching yourself beyond your means to care for her. And that isn't healthy for you. You need to address this with her, get her to see the problem and how its hurting you and the relationship. If she needs help, go see someone. Because you can't continue like this. It's tearing you up both physically and emotionally.

Sounds like you are. You aren't the one messing up. It's not that you aren't good enough. It's on her. She isn't being fair or sharing the load. Being together is a partnership, 50/50. You're doing everything, which isn't fair to you or sustainable. It is great that you love her and want it to work. But she has to want it to work just as much and be willing to put in 110% herself. Illness, boredom... those excuses shouldn't be acceptable.

When a person tells you who they are, believe them. 

Again, misplaced priority. She is equating sex with being happy. Offering you a chance to be with someone else to keep you around, knowing you aren't the kind to take that offer. Opening the door for her to seek something else as well. For whatever reason - manipulation or a deeply messed up person - she is trying to fill a void within with something that will never really fulfill her. And again she is dragging you down.

Be careful. Try to talk to a professional if you really want to make things work. But don't allow yourself to continue to do everything and be mistreated by her. You deserve better

Thank you for your words.  Do you know if there’s any kind of professional I could see “discretely”.  I’m not ready to confront her or deal with the drama or whatever is going to come when I break things to her, so I’d like to keep this quiet for now.

What do you think the best way to address it with her would be?  

[MissCanuck]

On 9/4/2024 at 12:43 AM, HappyHippie said:

hen “I could have a boyfriend, I am an attention ***”.   I said “no, I don’t want that.”

I beg your pardon? 

What the actual heck? You need to be very concerned about all kinds of things, but this is an alarm bell that should be clanging in your head. 

24 minutes ago, HappyHippie said:

Whereas she used to be more into doing things together, it seems now she more often than not wants to go alone.

Where does she go alone, and how often?

[HappyHippie]

39 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

I beg your pardon? 

What the actual heck? You need to be very concerned about all kinds of things, but this is an alarm bell that should be clanging in your head. 

Where does she go alone, and how often?

The boyfriend comment has been bothering me very much.. I tried to ask her about it later that evening, while we were laying down.

I couldn’t help but get emotional.  I said “am I still enough?” “What you said earlier is really really bothering me, about wanting a boyfriend.”  And she tried to distract me from it, she said “a boyfriend to me, is a boy that’s a friend, nothing else.”  
 

I just kinda sat there in silence with tears rolling out of my eyes.. she said “why would you wait until so late to bring a problem up?” And I said “because I didn’t want to ruin our whole day over it.”  And that was basically the conversation about that.

 

also with the alone thing.  It is definitely a newer thing.  Used to it would be every few months or so have a girls night out.  
 

The past 2 months she’s been all extra chatty in her phone with more people and older friends, and a lot of her “friends” happen to be people she’s got history with.  
 

A month ago she went out with a friend who she met through an ex.  And then after that she met up for dinner with someone who is basically an ex (same day). Well say a “FWB”.  Then a week later she went to a baseball game with the friend she met through an ex, and then a week later she brought the old FWB to the airport about 2 hours away.  Then a few days later she went there with her good friend to pick up the FWB and bring them home.  That day is when the overspending happened.  All the things that she went to do that I just described- I am not invited, and the few times I did ask, she said she wanted to go alone.  

So it’s often now.

[HappyHippie]

I think I may have found the source of her unhappiness possibly?  
 

After the “boyfriend” discussion the other day, yesterday, she said “I miss the freedoms I had when I was single.  I wish I could go hang out with (FWB) alone sometimes.”  I didn’t even reply, because my feelings should be known.  

she’s already lied to me about hanging out with him.  She said it was with a mutual friend and it wasn’t.  She lied and went alone.  Idk what happened and I don’t trust him, or her together.  I mean I’ll hang out with them, or if there’s something going on a friend gathering or something I mean sure, hang out with him.  But alone?  Your old FWB, that you’ve already lied to me about before?  Am I crazy or should I let my ground go?  Am I being ridiculous?  
 

today she said, “I wish I could go hang out with (FBW) alone and play video games.”  She said “you won’t let me go alone will you?” I said “I would not be very comfortable with that.”  She said but I can go with (close friend) alone anytime?  “Of course.”  I said.. she the. Says “I wish you would say, I trust you, do what you want.”  … I said “I do trust you, to an extent, but with that lie, the trust with him is pretty broke.”

 

can this be the source of her unhappiness?  And am I being unreasonable?  I just don’t want to be cheated on.. 

is it reasonable for me to be untrusting and hurt by all this?

[ShySoul]

Trust is earned. Given her lies, comments and behavior, she hasn't done much to earn your trust. That isn't unreasonable. You have every right to feel hurt. 

It could very well be innocent. But innocent people don't need to lie. She made a poor choice in what she said and did and now needs to accept the consequences.

I don't like to make accusations about people I've never met and have no proof of what they are doing or thinking. But something is going on with her. She's not happy with things as they are, and neither are you. You can't continue like this and eventually you will need to do something.

If you don't want to deal with her directly, look for a relationship counselor or some such in your area. Find a way to speak to someone in private so you can work through everything for yourself first. Figure out what you want and need in the relationship, and if you think she can provide it. Figure out options for any scenario, what you can and can't accept from her. You want to be prepared when you do have it out with her. 

And professionals should keep things confidential.

Sorry you are hurting. I'm hoping things can improve for you.

[MissCanuck]

6 hours ago, HappyHippie said:

 And am I being unreasonable?

I honestly cannot fathom why you even question this. My guy, with all due respect, you need a backbone. 

Your wife's behaviour with these "friends" has been ridiculous and suspicious. There is no way in fresh hell I would tolerate that BS. I would tell her she is free to do whatever she wants, but don't expect to find me at home when she returns. 

You really need to wake up, man. This is no way for you to live. Has she always treated you like a doormat? 

[ShySoul]

HappyHippie, don't get down on yourself. You have been a caring and loving partner to this woman. You have done all the things a gentleman would do. It's not your fault and you are not responsible for anything she has done. More guys should follow your example. And most women would be far more appreciative of someone like you. Just because this woman has issues and can't see how awesome you are, doesn't mean you need to change a thing about you.

You've trying to save your relationship with the person you love. There is nothing wrong with that.

Find someone to talk with who can help you sort this all out. Hoping you find your way out and onto happiness.

[Batya33]

11 hours ago, HappyHippie said:

After the “boyfriend” discussion the other day, yesterday, she said “I miss the freedoms I had when I was single.  I wish I could go hang out with (FWB) alone sometimes.”  I didn’t even reply, because my feelings should be known.  

she’s already lied to me about hanging out with him.

Ohhhh the pity party she is having.  Especially when my son was younger and I had to bribe him with snacks so I could do my 35 minute workout to a DVD in the living room because my husband was traveling and I couldn't leave the apartment to work out outside or at a gym boy did I wish I was free at that moment to come and go as I please - that I didn't have to twist myself in a pretzel just to take a proper shower or use the bathroom or heaven forbid have an uninterrupted 5 minute phone conversation with a friend.  I signed up for all of that for the massive benefits of winning the lottery -marriage to a man I loved and motherhood at the last darn minute in my early 40s.  So those fleeting pity party thoughts were -fleeting.  And I owned them in the sense of - yes I had to find other ways -maybe I should have hired a sitter.  But give me a break with the woe is me I'm married and can't go hang out alone with a man I want to have sex with and who wants me too at his home.

I trust my husband but including not to play with fire.  He doesn't and I don't either and we share the sense of what that means in the very very rare instances over the last decades where we've checked in with each other about very specific situations. We both have close platonic friends of the opposite gender and over the years some of them are exes.

We have to be aware of stuff because he travels a lot and I've always worked in male dominated fields since the early 90s and you know stuff comes up where it's a gray area - should he ask his female colleague if he can use her hotel room shower when she is not going to be there because he shouldn't pay for a whole other night or might the request come across inappropriate? Should I respond at all to someone I met on jury duty who sent me an email telling me he is getting divorced where part of the email asked for a business type referral connected to the divorce but part was a pretty clear flirtatious come on?

Was it ok for me to strike up a friendship with a fellow jogger/walker in the park who was there when I was with my baby in the stroller where we chatted about his kids, parenting, our city, etc and it passed the time nicely? What about meeting a man for lunch who I originally met through an online dating site but never went on a date with? All of these things can come up in a marriage of course but if you have the same sense of values/boundaries/love and commitment it wouldn't occur to you to say to your partner "wow I wish I was single so I could ......" even if you had the fleeting pity party thought. And how dare she question your trust in her -you don't have a so-called "open" marriage.  Right? I agree with Miss Canuck.