Why do women/people in general only remember the bad *** about a date?

[cooldude123]

I had a date on Tuesday that went amazingly well. We went to Meow Wolf and then a Michelin-rated sushi restaurant. I [30M] paid for everything for her [32F]. I also let her keep my Kirkland sweater since we both like Costco. I said a couple dumb things about myself during the date because I trusted her and thought I could share. We cuddled, held hands and hugged a lot at the end. She even said I smell really good and kept smelling me. So I don't understand where things could have gone wrong. She's still texting me, just not nearly as often as she used to and not nearly as long. I don't understand where I stand with her. My only guess is she didn't like something about the date and is harping on that. Why can't she see the other 99% of the date that was amazing? She said she liked me and appreciated me at the end of the date. Can anyone offer insight on this?

[smackie9]

8 hours ago, cooldude123 said:

I had a date on Tuesday that went amazingly well. We went to Meow Wolf and then a Michelin-rated sushi restaurant. I [30M] paid for everything for her [32F]. I also let her keep my Kirkland sweater since we both like Costco. I said a couple dumb things about myself during the date because I trusted her and thought I could share. We cuddled, held hands and hugged a lot at the end. She even said I smell really good and kept smelling me. So I don't understand where things could have gone wrong. She's still texting me, just not nearly as often as she used to and not nearly as long. I don't understand where I stand with her. My only guess is she didn't like something about the date and is harping on that. Why can't she see the other 99% of the date that was amazing? She said she liked me and appreciated me at the end of the date. Can anyone offer insight on this?

This is your insecurity getting the best of you. You have to not take rejection or lack of interest personally. Remember people have easier access to choices. She's probably dating others. I can only suggest to stop spending so much money on someone who isn't sleeping with you or even have exclusive status. It's best to have light dates where you can spend time getting to know one another. Texting should never be counted as dates or time spent with each other. It's actual time physically spent together is key.

Now have you asked her out again?

[Batya33]

8 hours ago, cooldude123 said:

I had a date on Tuesday that went amazingly well. We went to Meow Wolf and then a Michelin-rated sushi restaurant. I [30M] paid for everything for her [32F]. I also let her keep my Kirkland sweater since we both like Costco. I said a couple dumb things about myself during the date because I trusted her and thought I could share. We cuddled, held hands and hugged a lot at the end. She even said I smell really good and kept smelling me. So I don't understand where things could have gone wrong. She's still texting me, just not nearly as often as she used to and not nearly as long. I don't understand where I stand with her. My only guess is she didn't like something about the date and is harping on that. Why can't she see the other 99% of the date that was amazing? She said she liked me and appreciated me at the end of the date. Can anyone offer insight on this?

Your guess is likely wrong.  I know of several examples where one of my friends -male or female -had a really good date or couple dates then the next day or next week met someone who knocked their socks off - so they liked the other person but then met someone who more likely was "the one" and turned to that person.

[TeeDee]

Good grief.  

Never measure the quality of a relationship by the quantity of texts.   The most important thing is the quality of your in person interactions. 

For a 1st date that was all too much.  

The meow wolf thing by itself was probably too intense for a 1st date & not conducive to conversation.  

If you start with a Michelin star restaurant what do you work up to for special celebrations?  

Then you gave her the clothes off your back to keep?  

It screams like you are trying too hard & trying to buy her.  

Dial it back.  If she's still communicating with you, take that as a good sign.  Set up another date & go from there.  

[catfeeder]

First dates are about getting to know a person, not for overwhelming them. When you knock yourself out with high expense for a total stranger, the message you send is that you're insecure and someone who doesn't date very often.

You may have created an imbalance that this woman is not up for reciprocating. If you want to try asking her out for something simple and relaxing, like meeting for an ice cream and a walk in the park, then invite her to a time and place, and see what she says. If she turns you down without offering an alternative time, you can leave the ball in her court.

You can decide whether you want to consider that as a rejection of you, even while she doesn't really know you, or maybe she'd just feel more comfortable with someone who has made her feel less indebted to high performance.

[ShySoul]

You're overthinking.

She is still talking with you. She is still displaying interest in you. Just because there has been a slight dropoff in the number of communications, isn't a sign something is wrong. It could simply be life keeping her busy and taking up her time.

Quantity is not as important as quality. You can pack a lot of heartfelt meaning and feelings into the smallest of messaged. Think about it. How much feeling is packed into just the simple eight letter phrase "I love you?"

If you want more, create more. Stop texting and actual make the effort to call. Try to set up another date. Don't put it all on her when you can be working to help create that next magical time together. And don't jump to conclusions that something is wrong or that you messed up, when all signs really point to her enjoying herself with you.

[ShySoul]

Also, you did nothing wrong on the date. From the sound of things you did things as well as could be expected of anyone.

If you feel like paying for someone, do it. That's being a gentleman and treating a lady well and with respect. Some people may not like it, but that is on them. Plenty of women will like it and from the sound of things she had no problem with it. Cuddlng and sniffing are good signs. Saying things about yourself was good. It showed trust in her, that you were comfortable with her. Dates can be as light or as serious as they are, it depends upon the people involved. Personally, I've got into serious conversations with people quickly and it only made us like each other more. So do what you feel is right for you and that particular interaction.

Texting, calls, chats.... all interactions are interactions. Point is to stay in contact and continue the momentum. Yes, try to set up another meeting in person. But if you can't arrange it right away, some contact is better then nothing. So keep talking any way you can, whenever you can, as long as you are both enjoying it. 

 

[LootieTootie]

It can be anything why she has taper down on the texting.

Don't be quick to judge and don't overly invest in anyone early on. It's all about having fun and if you felt you both had fun on your first date and found each other enjoyable, then that's something to take away from it all. 

I think once you start letting your insecurities get to you and you start applying that over to the whys, you will not enjoy dating.

[Cherylyn]

Lower your expectations and lower your standards in people meaning they're not the type of people you thought they were. 

Even though you did everything right,  sometimes interest wanes for various reasons.  If you really want to know,  tell her that you are curious and want to know why she displays her lack of enthusiasm towards you.  Ask her to be completely honest and truthful because you can take it.  

As for texting,  sometimes it waxes and wanes dependent upon how busy a person is,  how much time they have and it could be a variety of reasons.  If you want to know,  ask her.  Be prepared though.  Brutal honesty can sting and hurt.  However,  at the same time,  you can readjust yourself if you so desire in order to improve for future dates.

Many times even though you felt the date was successful,  the other person,  woman in your case,  doesn't feel likewise.  Perhaps it was the conversation.  It could be anything. 

To answer your question regarding why women only remember the badness of a date?  It's the bad which is the turn off and looked upon with disdain.  That's why.  I can't speak for all women but this is how I weed out the bad apples.  Not that you're a bad apple.  I'm just speaking from my perspective. 

For the few dinner dates I've had,  there were duds.  One of them doused himself with after shave cologne to the point of suffocating. 🤢  He gave my mother a bag of fast food trash from his car and asked HER to dispose of it.  He drove like a maniac!  🚗 😠  I had to hang on for dear life. 😡  He was a one and done.  👎

Other date guy was dull as a door nail.  He was so boring. 

Other date guy was shallow and superficial.  No go.

Other date guy,  while nice,  was "meh" and he had a job which was subpar.  His personality was rather dry.  I couldn't envision a future with him or any of the rejects.  Our personalities and characters didn't mesh. 

I remember both good and bad in a date.  However,  the bad outweighs the good which makes certain dates a deal breaker for me.  I don't want to go out with the same man twice if I wasn't 100% impressed the first time.  Why should I waste my time and energy?  🙄

Then my husband came along and blew the competition away.  No contest.  He ticked all the boxes.  I knew 'a catch' when I saw one and snatched him up before some other lucky lady did.  😋 Finding a good man is like finding a needle in a haystack.  We were in our early 20's.  He possesses stellar character and integrity.   He has an intelligent sense of humor and makes me chuckle. 😀 He's not goofy though.  He's on the fast track with his career.  He's a gentleman and a very decent human being.  He has poise and aplomb.  I pay attention to all details in a man.

@cooldude123 Yes,  most women remember the bad in any date and if it's not bad,  they remember if there's no chemistry,  no spark,  no connection nor mutual flow to the date.  Some women think about their future and obviously want a smooth,  content,  very stable life with whom they date.  It either exists or it doesn't but it's not always your fault either. 

Like men,  women shop around.  Being very picky and choosy pays off in the long run.  Haste makes waste. 

Sometimes you have to date a lot to find 'the one.'   Your day in the sun will come.  Hang in there.  Be patient. 

[ShySoul]

Don't think it's the case here, but I'll address the title of the thread. I don't think people only remember the bad in a date. I think they can and do remember all parts, good and bad.

What's more likely is that people are used to seeing bad and so come to expect and look for it. How much of the news that we see or read is focused or crimes or tragedy? How many Youtube videos or articles feature clickbait titles about all the things that are wrong with something or about how something has been ruined? How much gossip and mudslinging is spread about people? How many posts on sites like this feature stories of people doing terrible things to each other? And how many times have we been hurt in our own life by people?

All of that creates a mindset where we are looking for flaws. We believe something will be wrong, we feel we have to be on guard for it. We feel the need to protect ourselves. So we pick out even the smallest of things as red flags or signs of a problem. We don't give things the chance to develop or try to think of alternative reasons. We aren't as forgiving or understanding. And thus so many things that could have been okay get shut down because we create more of an issue then was ever really there.

We're all human. Mistakes can be made. Think we would all be happier if we learned to roll with the punches a little more and just take things as they come.

[TeeDee]

It's also a 3 day holiday weekend in the US.  Maybe she's out & about on this last day of summer. 

[Kwothe28]

I dunno what Meow Wolf is(Is it some cat and wolf crossbreed 😂) but Michelin rated restaurant is expensive. So, it could be that she was after dinner and not you especially. Also, dates differ in perspectives. What you percieve as good date she can perceive as bad and vice versa. I explain it with that if they like you, they would ignore every red flag that is out there. If they are “meh” about you, one bad thing and you are out. That is for pessimistic side and answering your question from the title.

That being said, I dont think date went bad. You had physical contact, she complimentes you and she does keeps the contact. For all intentive purposes, that is a good date and the basis for continuing. So why dont you ask her out again and see what she says?

[Kampuniform3]

You’re over egging the pudding, mate, and overthinking the snot out of this.

 I’d like and appreciate the hell out of you too if you took me to a Michelin-starred restaurant, but appreciation isn’t a promissory note you can take to the bank after just one meal. 
 

Unless you’re on a first name basis with the maître d’ and have your own permanent booth, it sets a bad precedent on a first date.

It’s normal to fail upwards in dating, and you need to just shrug it off when they lose interest…and losing interest they surely will.

 It’s not personal. When I ran the dating gauntlet, I met many fine and beautiful women. However, it was frequently the case that there was no spark, and in many instances, it was mutual. 
 

A first date is just a meet and greet. Coffee, a walk, and some conversation is more than adequate. If it isn’t, then you resume your search. 
 

 

[shouldhavelearned]

Keep looking

Just like she is 

[cooldude123]

14 hours ago, smackie9 said:

This is your insecurity getting the best of you. You have to not take rejection or lack of interest personally. Remember people have easier access to choices. She's probably dating others. I can only suggest to stop spending so much money on someone who isn't sleeping with you or even have exclusive status. It's best to have light dates where you can spend time getting to know one another. Texting should never be counted as dates or time spent with each other. It's actual time physically spent together is key.

Now have you asked her out again?

I haven't asked her out again because she responds so slowly. I haven't heard from her in over 24 hours and part of me thinks I won't hear from her again. I do plan on asking why she's changed her behavior either tomorrow or Wednesday with a double text. I also got in to a bad car accident recently and had to cancel our planned hangout that would have been on Sunday.

[cooldude123]

10 hours ago, catfeeder said:

First dates are about getting to know a person, not for overwhelming them. When you knock yourself out with high expense for a total stranger, the message you send is that you're insecure and someone who doesn't date very often.

You may have created an imbalance that this woman is not up for reciprocating. If you want to try asking her out for something simple and relaxing, like meeting for an ice cream and a walk in the park, then invite her to a time and place, and see what she says. If she turns you down without offering an alternative time, you can leave the ball in her court.

You can decide whether you want to consider that as a rejection of you, even while she doesn't really know you, or maybe she'd just feel more comfortable with someone who has made her feel less indebted to high performance.

I do plan on making the next date more simple. I really liked her so I thought I had to impress her with an amazing date.

[cooldude123]

10 hours ago, ShySoul said:

You're overthinking.

She is still talking with you. She is still displaying interest in you. Just because there has been a slight dropoff in the number of communications, isn't a sign something is wrong. It could simply be life keeping her busy and taking up her time.

Quantity is not as important as quality. You can pack a lot of heartfelt meaning and feelings into the smallest of messaged. Think about it. How much feeling is packed into just the simple eight letter phrase "I love you?"

If you want more, create more. Stop texting and actual make the effort to call. Try to set up another date. Don't put it all on her when you can be working to help create that next magical time together. And don't jump to conclusions that something is wrong or that you messed up, when all signs really point to her enjoying herself with you.

I appreciate the insight. I had planned on asking her if something changed but part of me is unsure if I should do that or just ask her out on another date.

[ShySoul]

Just now, cooldude123 said:

I appreciate the insight. I had planned on asking her if something changed but part of me is unsure if I should do that or just ask her out on another date.

Just ask her out. Dwelling on it and bringing it up comes across as insecure and creates a problem and drama where there doesn't need to be any at this point. If it becomes a repeated pattern of her disappearing for days on end, then yes that would be a problem. One 24 hour period could be an emergency, aberration, or fluke. I always say to look for the pattern, not be fixated on one occurance.

[cooldude123]

7 minutes ago, ShySoul said:

Just ask her out. Dwelling on it and bringing it up comes across as insecure and creates a problem and drama where there doesn't need to be any at this point. If it becomes a repeated pattern of her disappearing for days on end, then yes that would be a problem. One 24 hour period could be an emergency, aberration, or fluke. I always say to look for the pattern, not be fixated on one occurance.

It's been almost a week of her texting less when in the past we would text a lot - both in length and in frequency. So there is a bit of a pattern showing. Now I've been waiting over 24 hours for her to text me back and I'm not sure if she will. I asked her how her weekend was going and told her I put a deposit down on a new car because she knows I just totaled my other one last week. I also told her I'm not sure when we can hang out next because of the accident. I would Uber to her though or rent a car to see her. I wanted to see her tomorrow since I will be in her neck of the woods to meet with a lawyer but she hasn't responded so I didn't ask. I have a therapy session tomorrow and will discuss the plans with my therapist on how to proceed with Catherine.

[ShySoul]

I know am an old man when it comes to these things, but I'll never understand how phones stopped being used for making phone calls and instead is just another screen to read words off of. 

Seems to me like it is a lot easier to avoid a text and make no response. But when someone is actually calling and either speaking or leaving a message, gives it a little more impact and importance. When I'm at work and need a response right away from someone, I don't leave it to email. I pick up the phone and call them so I can address it right away.

Same thing here. Waiting for a response just leaves you questioning things until you are ready to give up. You don't hear anything, so you don't ask at all. But if you never ask, nothing can ever happen.

If it was me, I'd just call and ask. Say my piece. Get it done with. Not one for the waiting game or constant questioning on where everyone stands. 

Do what you feel is best for you though. Hope things turn out well, be it with her or in general.

[MissCanuck]

On 9/2/2024 at 5:42 AM, cooldude123 said:

I said a couple dumb things about myself during the date because I trusted her and thought I could share

What did you say?

[cooldude123]

12 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

What did you say?

I said I have BPD but it's under control and that my ex gf was touched inappropriately in college. I know, really stupid things to say on a first date but I tried to trust her since we were talking about why my time in college was bad. My BPD was out of control during college.

[cooldude123]

12 hours ago, ShySoul said:

I know am an old man when it comes to these things, but I'll never understand how phones stopped being used for making phone calls and instead is just another screen to read words off of. 

Seems to me like it is a lot easier to avoid a text and make no response. But when someone is actually calling and either speaking or leaving a message, gives it a little more impact and importance. When I'm at work and need a response right away from someone, I don't leave it to email. I pick up the phone and call them so I can address it right away.

Same thing here. Waiting for a response just leaves you questioning things until you are ready to give up. You don't hear anything, so you don't ask at all. But if you never ask, nothing can ever happen.

If it was me, I'd just call and ask. Say my piece. Get it done with. Not one for the waiting game or constant questioning on where everyone stands. 

Do what you feel is best for you though. Hope things turn out well, be it with her or in general.

I would call her but I don't really feel like I am on calling terms with her yet. She may get spooked if I give her a call. Or that could just be my anxiety talking and it could go really well. I don't know.

[Batya33]

7 minutes ago, cooldude123 said:

I said I have BPD but it's under control and that my ex gf was touched inappropriately in college. I know, really stupid things to say on a first date but I tried to trust her since we were talking about why my time in college was bad. My BPD was out of control during college.

I would not have wanted to hear that when meeting someone for the first time -the mental health issue in the present would have been ok.  I would not have wanted to hear about your ex's sexual assault or your mental health issues during college in any detail.  Not on a first meet.  That's just me.

My father had BPD.  Therefore if it were me I would have declined another date based on my history living with someone with BPD.  Yes it was fairly under control.  And for me it would be a dealbreaker. 

[cooldude123]

27 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I would not have wanted to hear that when meeting someone for the first time -the mental health issue in the present would have been ok.  I would not have wanted to hear about your ex's sexual assault or your mental health issues during college in any detail.  Not on a first meet.  That's just me.

My father had BPD.  Therefore if it were me I would have declined another date based on my history living with someone with BPD.  Yes it was fairly under control.  And for me it would be a dealbreaker. 

Sorry, what do you mean the mental health issue in the present would have been ok? My ex wasn't sexually assaulted. She asked me what was the issue during college and I told her. At first I said "This is really personal, but.." and then she said I don't need to tell her and I agreed. But then I thought "I should trust her" and told her. Which was a mistake.

Sorry to hear your dad had BPD. Was he in therapy and on meds? I'm in therapy and on meds. My BPD manifests in just feeling anxious about relationships and having a fear of abandonment. I thought she would understand the abandonment because she was abandoned by her mom. I am not your typical BPD case, I don't give people trouble even though things are chaotic on the inside.