How to respond to boyfriends female friend

[LoveBug190011]

Hello everyone I’m new but I wanted to use this form to see if I could get any help..

So my boyfriend and I have been together for 4 years, before we met he was hanging out with another girl she at the time had a boyfriend and at one point she completely blocked and stopped communicating with my so completely up until like a month ago. Her ex boyfriend dumped her and now she’s back talking with my so. I know I sound jealous and I’ve told myself this multiple times but something is just bugging me. She’s constantly sending him Tik Toks she calls him late at night and they’ll sit on the phone for awhile while I’m present. Our anniversary was in August and I had to text him just to get a happy anniversary from him but when she called late a night he answered right away. He’s told me countless times that he’s not into her and that he just can’t cut her off because of there history. Which I understand it just makes me feel shakey. He still has pictures of the two of them up on his facebook but none of him and I together. We’re friends on Facebook because I thought If I talked to her my feelings would calm down but they haven’t. She doesn’t like anything on my page unless I’ve tagged my boyfriend in it. I’ve tried to tell my boyfriend how I feel and I just get told not to worry about it. Normally I wouldn’t care but I was also in a relationship before with the “oh don’t worry she’s just a friend” speech before and caught them in bed together. 

 

im just looking for advice or something to help. Again I know this sounds like jealousy and I’m not afraid to say it is but I just want to know if maybe someone else is seeing it as I could be too. Thank you!

[LootieTootie]

I would be unhappy if this was my husband and he has a lot of old friends that are females (some even exes). I find their behavior disrespectful.

What's really strange in their situation is when she was with her ex, she had to block your boyfriend, so maybe her ex knew something. Now she's back, and you're starting to see some of those questionable behaviors (constant messaging and calls at nights) - I would sit down with him again and make it very clear that you are not ok with them constantly in communication because it doesn't sit well with you. Tell him this is your boundary and if he doesn't respect your boundary because he thinks its nonsense, then you need to let this guy go and find someone who respects you enough to not cross your boundaries.

 

[SooSad33]

34 minutes ago, LoveBug190011 said:

She’s constantly sending him Tik Toks she calls him late at night and they’ll sit on the phone for awhile while I’m present. Our anniversary was in August and I had to text him just to get a happy anniversary from him but when she called late a night he answered right away. He’s told me countless times that he’s not into her and that he just can’t cut her off because of there history. Which I understand it just makes me feel shakey. He still has pictures of the two of them up on his facebook but none of him and I together.

Wow 😕 .  HE needs to respect your relationship here and now!  And put up some boundaries with this gal.

Like why the heck are they talking this much?  YOU should be his first priority, not her.

And as for pics online, why them but not you? I don't get that.  Is he afraid to admit he's in a relationship?  But, heck its been 4 yrs...

Are you two living together yet?  IMO, he's like her emotional pillow and he's just accepting whatever she gives.  And lack of respect for the two of you.

Maybe give him a choice, to either back off with this much communication and give a little more to you.. or you be done? 

[shouldhavelearned]

Yeah, hopefully he cuts her off and soon.

[yogacat]

I have a male best friend from when I was 8; never dated each other, and we don't even talk this frequently!

He's in a relationship, and even though we talk sometimes when his fiance is around (whom I've met and know), I wouldn't call him late at night or constantly message him. This girl is pushing it a bit. And your boyfriend is okay with it. 

You can ask him to limit contact with this girl, but that doesn't mean he's 100% going to. He may not be at all attracted to her, but even if this was a non topic for him, his actions are encouraging her.

The issue is not just about this friendship. It's about how he prioritizes you and demonstrates loyalty. You're his girlfriend and you want to feel like he's got eyes only for you and is prioritizing you.

On one hand, I want to say "yes, let him have this friendship". On the other hand, it's hard to ignore that you share a logical significance concerning her.
 

[Cherylyn]

I would not approve of my husband being best pals with a female friend.  To be very clear,  it's not about trust either.  It's about disrespecting me whether I am his wife or girlfriend.  If there are any trust issues,  I'd focus on his poor judgement regarding decent behavior.  Something is amiss.  Normal men in devoted and loyal relationships, do not become excessively friendly with other women.  They know where to draw the line.

Two's company,  three's a crowd.  Either she goes or you go. 

[HeartGoesOn]

He has, and will use every excuse in the book in order to justify his actions. The bottom line is he had/has no respect, nor did he care about your feelings, (imo).

It's your call, but my guess is, the trust is gone and it would be almost impossible to move forward with this hanging over your head.

All the best...

 

 

[ShySoul]

She isn't the issue here. It could very well be an innocent friendship. She could be leaning on him as support considering she just came out of a breakup. Unless you can point to something she's done that crosses a line beyond talking and sending videos, things friends do, then try not to let her enter the equation.

The real issue is his treatment of you. When you are in a relationship you want to feel considered and thought of. You want to know they care about you and are there for you. At this point, he hasn't been fulfilling that emotional need. Not remembering an anniversary or dismissing your feelings on the subject isn't showing you the love and attention you need from him.

Talk to him about it. Don't make it about the other woman. That will only get the same response of don't worry, I don't care about her like that. It makes you look jealous.

Instead make it about the two of you. Explain how you feel left out and ignored. Say you need that closeness, to feel like he is there for you first and foremost. See if you can find a way to reconnect and feel like each other is the top priority for both of you.

[ShySoul]

FYI, it is possible for a person in a relationship to be best friends (or extemely close friends) with someone of the opposite gender and it not be disrespectful to their partner. By best friend is female and in a relationship. She is able to carry on both relationships with the same level of honesty and respect.

The key is honesty and communication. It's making sure that priorities are straight and that each person is getting the approriate level of contact for the individual pairing.

Here, he isn't giving you the right level of contact. So it makes you feel like the afterthought. And that is what is hurting things. There is an imbalance that he needs to correct. He needs to demonstrate more thought and love towards the person he has been with for four years instead of being complacent and assuming things are okay. And if you do mean as much to him as he has said, he should see how it hurts you and be willing to find the right balance.

[LoveBug190011]

4 minutes ago, ShySoul said:

FYI, it is possible for a person in a relationship to be best friends (or extemely close friends) with someone of the opposite gender and it not be disrespectful to their partner. By best friend is female and in a relationship. She is able to carry on both relationships with the same level of honesty and respect.

The key is honesty and communication. It's making sure that priorities are straight and that each person is getting the approriate level of contact for the individual pairing.

Here, he isn't giving you the right level of contact. So it makes you feel like the afterthought. And that is what is hurting things. There is an imbalance that he needs to correct. He needs to demonstrate more thought and love towards the person he has been with for four years instead of being complacent and assuming things are okay. And if you do mean as much to him as he has said, he should see how it hurts you and be willing to find the right balance.

Thank you I do appreciate your point of view I think communication is not being read very clearly with us and I think it’s definitely something I need to talk about

 

[smackie9]

I say buuuuuulllll $$$$$hhhhiiiit! He is having an emotional affair...maybe unknowingly but that is what that is. It doesn't have to involve anything sexual, it's the amount of attention which is inappropriate. He is quite defensive about it, has an excuse for it and that's very troubling. He's being disrespectful of your feelings about it. The evidence is there. 4 years ago they had an interest in each other, your BF was an orbiter. She cut off contact because she was not happy about your union with him. So your suspicions are very valid.

You need to get angry on his a$$ and ask him how would he feel if a guy you were chummy with 4 years ago, all of a sudden starts calling you after his GF dumps him...all the calling, texting, the late night communication, etc. And you completely dismissing his concerns about it. What would that look like to him??

[Batya33]

12 hours ago, LoveBug190011 said:

Hello everyone I’m new but I wanted to use this form to see if I could get any help..

So my boyfriend and I have been together for 4 years, before we met he was hanging out with another girl she at the time had a boyfriend and at one point she completely blocked and stopped communicating with my so completely up until like a month ago. Her ex boyfriend dumped her and now she’s back talking with my so. I know I sound jealous and I’ve told myself this multiple times but something is just bugging me. She’s constantly sending him Tik Toks she calls him late at night and they’ll sit on the phone for awhile while I’m present. Our anniversary was in August and I had to text him just to get a happy anniversary from him but when she called late a night he answered right away. He’s told me countless times that he’s not into her and that he just can’t cut her off because of there history. Which I understand it just makes me feel shakey. He still has pictures of the two of them up on his facebook but none of him and I together. We’re friends on Facebook because I thought If I talked to her my feelings would calm down but they haven’t. She doesn’t like anything on my page unless I’ve tagged my boyfriend in it. I’ve tried to tell my boyfriend how I feel and I just get told not to worry about it. Normally I wouldn’t care but I was also in a relationship before with the “oh don’t worry she’s just a friend” speech before and caught them in bed together. 

 

im just looking for advice or something to help. Again I know this sounds like jealousy and I’m not afraid to say it is but I just want to know if maybe someone else is seeing it as I could be too. Thank you!

I have platonic male friends and always have -my husband has platonic female friends and always have.  These two are not just friends because of all you described plus she's not supportive of your relationship.  How often have you met her and how often has your bf offered to have you meet? 

[TeeDee]

This woman is not a genuine friend.  When she got involved with her now EX-BF she rightfully cut off your BF because she viewed him as an orbiter or threat to her relationship because she is incapable of having opposite sex friends.  Now that she's single she wants male attention to feed her ego.  She's shopping for a new BF & is open to giving your guy a try out.  She doesn't do platonic friends. 

If she & your BF were merely platonic friends over the course of the last 4 years, while you were all coupled up you & your BF & her & her BF would have been hanging out & going on double dates.   You would be friendlier with her at the point 

That is not what happened because they were never "friends".  Given that you should speak to your BF & tell him you have concerns about her motives. Help him to see her for the user she is. 

I have several male friends that pre-dated my marriage.  When DH & started dating he met these guys.  They were & still are supportive of our marriage.  They are now OUR friends not just my friends.  

My husband doesn't like sports.  One of his new buddies went to the same college as me.  Our team played Saturday so me & the buddy went to a bar to watch the game.  His wife wanted to go to the beach & my husband preferred to work overtime.  Me & the buddy had fun, sent silly pictures to our spouses & had a good time.  No harm, no foul.  

Your situation is not that because she is not a supporter of your relationship.  

Don't let your BF gaslight you by claiming they are just friends.  That is not her MO.  She doesn't do platonic.   She's not his friend.  He's also giving her too much attention.  It's not about her gender; it's about their behavior. 

At this point I'd give your BF the benefit of the doubt that he only sees the good in people & doesn't realize who & what she is.  But if he doesn't take your valid concerns into consideration,  you may have a problem.  I can't help but fear he settled for you 4 years ago because she had a BF.  Now that she is available, he may be thinking about going for it or not even realizing that is what he is doing.  You are not being unreasonable in your concerns. . 

[catfeeder]

I can only speak to what I would do. I'd tell BF that I understand he's jazzed about his old friend, yet I feel left in the dust with no way to resolve this. If I ask him to ditch her, he'll resent me for it and maybe just get sneaky about his contact with her. So he's free to go explore his reunion with this woman, and I'm walking away while we both still think highly of one another. If he ever finds himself completely done and over this woman, he can reach out to let me know. If I'm still available then, maybe we can meet to catch up. Otherwise, I wish him the best.

[ShySoul]

16 hours ago, LoveBug190011 said:

before we met he was hanging out with another girl she at the time had a boyfriend and at one point she completely blocked and stopped communicating with my so completely up until like a month ago.

What was there relationship prior? What exactly is there history? "Hanging out" could mean a lot of different things. Knowing there past could help frame the situation in a lot of dfferent ways. There is a big difference between them having been in a relationship themselves for an extended period of time or them having grown up as childhood friends who talked about everything together and was a constant emotional support. And there are all points in between.

It could be an emotional affair. It could be long time friends catching up after a four year gap. We don't know. We also don't know why they stopped talking in the first place. It could have been that her boyfriend was jealous and she only broke off the friendship to make him happy. Many possibilities, so try to not jump to conclusions.

Bottom line, this isn't her relationship, it is his and yours. So the issues in it need to be talked about and addressed by the two of you. If you aren't getting the attention from him you need, he needs to be made aware that is an issue. You need to work it out together, as a couple does.

[Cherylyn]

Well,  let's see .  .  .  a platonic friend.   Hmm,  I have a male friend and I'm married.  With this male friend,  we text each other quite frequently,  constantly on social media,  meet for meals minus my husband,  take walks,  go on outings, confide in each other and my husband is more than welcome to join along at random.  Gee,  what is my husband?  An appendage?  But wait,  there is the truth,  transparency,  he is well informed of our palling around,  kept current regarding our regular comings and goings all the while.  🤔

I can see how this can work for other relationships and marriages but it's not for everyone.  Different strokes for different folks.  Most people in committed relationships and marriages enforce boundaries not so much due to the "trust factor,"  but out of common sense respect for our significant others and treat him or her with dignity.  No one wants to feel like a third wheel or chopped liver.  😕

These types of opposite gender friends should be mutual.  If the man does it,  then by all means,  the female should and could, too.  I would call that fair.  Funny thing is sometimes there's a double standard.  One person blatantly traipses off confiding to an opposite gender friend while expecting their partner or spouse to acquiesce and capitulate.  Then you turn the tables and do the same thing and suddenly both partners or spouses have someone else to hang out with regularly.  Or,  it wouldn't bode well if both partners and spouses exhibit the same type of behavior,  attitudes and schedules with someone else.  You might as well not be married or be in a relationship if you're so invested in another person with your time,  energy,  effort and money.  🙄

@LoveBug190011 Do what is comfortable and tolerant for you.  Your patience or lack thereof will determine the longevity or brevity of your relationship.

[MissCanuck]

I have a couple of very close male friends, entirely platonic. 

Our partners are all okay with the friendships, for a few key reasons: we all know and like one anothers' partners, and welcome their presence when they're able to join us on the occasions when we get together. We don't prioritize communication with them over communication with our partners. We respect boundaries and don't call or message at all hours. We support one anothers' relationships. 

These are the ingredients missing here, in this friendship between your boyfriend and his friend. Maybe there is nothing really spicy going on, but he isn't doing a good job preserving rhe integrity of your relationship and establishing reasonable boundaries with this girl.

How were things in the relationship prior to this friend showing back up? I suspect there are other reasons you were already feeling insecure about your connection and wondering where his heart and mind were at. 

[Kwothe28]

So, he liked her and now after she was dumped by her ex, she remembered your boyfriend existed and your boyfriend is happy to accommodate her even with late night phone calls?

Yeah, not a clean business from his side. Dump the chump if you dont want to be cheated and hurt later down the line.

[SophiaG]

Like in pretty much every similar situation the issue is your bf and your relationship, not the female friend. Talk with him and set clear expectations of boundaries regarding friendship versus romance. Find a middle ground acceptable to you both. Do not engage with the female friend at all. Use this as an opportunity to test your relationship. If he is dismissive of your concern or goes behind your back to continue dating her, or if you simply cannot reach an agreement regarding those boundaries, then you know you have bigger problems in the relationship.