Genital herpes

[ignite]

For those of you who are or have dated people with genital herpes (simplex hsv2), how have you dealt with it?

I was told and it has broke my heart 💔 I'm still shock because I went through this exact same situation almost 10 years ago with a different woman who had it as well. We continued to date but never had sex and things ended for different reasons but perhaps then I wasn't thinking long term.

I am thinking about this potential relationship with marriage in mind so my question is how does this affect intercourse?

I've heard that the infected person can still spread it even when symptoms aren't present? Does the transmission risk decrease over time? So during unprotected sex, trying for a baby or otherwise what are the chances? I guess it's hard to say. I suppose if I continue to be with this person and eventually be intimate with them, then I will have to accept that I may end up contracting it myself because obviously I want to have unprotected sex at some point whether to have children or otherwise. 

I'm so torn I really like this woman but I'm not sure I can be fully at peace with her having this because I think I will always worry.

[ShySoul]

Have you researched the topic? Can't speak from personal experience, but I would think the best think to do would be to do your homework from reputable sources and get your questions answered from professionals. 

A quick search and I'm seeing it's actually more common then you would think and that there are easy things you can do to avoid issues and still have a fulfilling sexual relationship.

https://www.webmd.com/genital-herpes/partner-faq

https://www.webmd.com/genital-herpes/genital-herpes-partner

 

[Starlight925]

I've dealt with this twice (I'm a woman). 

First one, the guy told me prior to us getting to the point of having sex.  I realized, for other reasons, that this relationship would likely not last (I felt he was too close to his ex, he always seemed to "last-minute" me), and I ended it prior.

Second time, I dated someone for 2 months, slept together many times, and he told me one morning when he had a breakout.  Oooops, so sorry, should have told you sooner.  I never spoke to him again, and I've been thoroughly tested (have to get tested for all the antibodies, special test, have to pay separately).

So I hate to be the bearer of the bad news for you, but in both of my cases, looking back, those relationships would never have worked anyway, and I could have gotten a nice little permanent present.

Both guys got it from their prior girlfriends.

[ignite]

Just to note we are both Christians, so if sex were to happen it will be in marriage anyway and that will be it. So I won't have to worry about telling a potential partner that I may have it. Even so, the anxiety around contracting it is really what concerns me.  To also note, I am technically a virgin which means that having intercourse for the first time is bound to be stressful (especially given I'm 40) but the thought of having this added complication is not ideal.  

The emotional scarring is difficult enough to deal with but then you have the physical aspect of this being a permanent issue is for me at least, the most painful. I'm so torn I really like this woman, she has so many aspects of what I'm looking for in a partner/wife, we get on really well, there's a spark, physical attraction but at the same time I'm not sure I can be fully at peace with her having this because I think I will always worry.

@Starlight925 It appears then you had a lucky escape in not contracting it, especially if he had an outbreak.  I have heard that transmission is less likely from an infected woman to a man but that still doesn't cancel out the risk.  

Just a horrible position to be in 😞 I have barely slept the last couple of days. I was starting to fall for her and I could see her as a long term partner and now this has changed everything and I know it doesn't define her, she is still a wonderful person who made mistakes when she was much younger and has turned her life around in that sense and I'm grateful for that but I'm really conflicted as to what to do here because unfortunately, the past in this case cannot stay in the past.  

[smackie9]

I seen you post this on another site...always best to discuss this with a health car professional to get the right facts about this virus and how to navigate it.

[Starlight925]

3 hours ago, ignite said:

Just to note we are both Christians, so if sex were to happen it will be in marriage anyway and that will be it. So I won't have to worry about telling a potential partner that I may have it. Even so, the anxiety around contracting it is really what concerns me.  To also note, I am technically a virgin which means that having intercourse for the first time is bound to be stressful (especially given I'm 40) but the thought of having this added complication is not ideal.  

OK, this does make things a bit different.  

Although one of the guys in my story did eventually marry the girlfriend and later divorced, just as a side note.  He said that since he knew he was going to marry her and "be with her forever", the herpes was irrelevant.  Until he found himself back in the dating world.

In your situation, given your religious affiliation and the fact that whoever your wife is will be permanent, I'd just discuss it with her, maybe with a therapist, just to get things out in the open.

I applaud her for telling you.  Honesty cannot be undervalued.

So, here's a personal story of a family member:  Female family member of mine who told the guy she was dating that she had it.  He said he didn't care, he loved her.  23+ years and 2 gorgeous young adult daughters later, they are still happily married.  And BTW, he's never gotten it.

Interestingly, after my whole situation, my then-new job included selling Valtrex, the herpes drug.  So I learned alllllll about it.  Basically, the person who has it can transmit it any time there is viral shedding, in the prodromal stage.  Typically, that person starts to get a tingling, indicating that an outbreak is imminent.  Other than those times, it is very rare to pass it on.  Valtrex "calms" it down, meaning the outbreaks are fewer and less severe.  In the prodromal stage, nothing is present visually, but there are viral cells coming to the surface that can be shed and shared.

 

[catfeeder]

If the woman means that much to you, you'll do your own proper research and find a way. If any layperson on a forum knows some quick tips to avoid contracting herpes from an infected partner, they're probably viral and can be found by searching.

[ignite]

2 hours ago, Starlight925 said:

OK, this does make things a bit different.  

Although one of the guys in my story did eventually marry the girlfriend and later divorced, just as a side note.  He said that since he knew he was going to marry her and "be with her forever", the herpes was irrelevant.  Until he found himself back in the dating world.

In your situation, given your religious affiliation and the fact that whoever your wife is will be permanent, I'd just discuss it with her, maybe with a therapist, just to get things out in the open.

I applaud her for telling you.  Honesty cannot be undervalued.

So, here's a personal story of a family member:  Female family member of mine who told the guy she was dating that she had it.  He said he didn't care, he loved her.  23+ years and 2 gorgeous young adult daughters later, they are still happily married.  And BTW, he's never gotten it.

Interestingly, after my whole situation, my then-new job included selling Valtrex, the herpes drug.  So I learned alllllll about it.  Basically, the person who has it can transmit it any time there is viral shedding, in the prodromal stage.  Typically, that person starts to get a tingling, indicating that an outbreak is imminent.  Other than those times, it is very rare to pass it on.  Valtrex "calms" it down, meaning the outbreaks are fewer and less severe.  In the prodromal stage, nothing is present visually, but there are viral cells coming to the surface that can be shed and shared.

 

Thank you for your thoughtful reply.  Appreciate that you are understanding in that you are taking into account our Christian affiliation and how that then means divorce is not an option.  Therefore if I marry this girl then that's it, forever.  

I tried to be very gentle with her and tried to be understanding but at the same time just felt so sad and annoyed that this happened to her.  Sure it was her decision ultimately and she has paid for it but it is not who she is now at all, which is why I am so shocked by it.  

So, as you will know about this, the key point is over a lifetime, when not using contraception, i.e. having unprotected sex, there is only a small chance of it being passed onto an uninfected person?  

[Starlight925]

8 minutes ago, ignite said:

Thank you for your thoughtful reply.  Appreciate that you are understanding in that you are taking into account our Christian affiliation and how that then means divorce is not an option.  Therefore if I marry this girl then that's it, forever.  

I tried to be very gentle with her and tried to be understanding but at the same time just felt so sad and annoyed that this happened to her.  Sure it was her decision ultimately and she has paid for it but it is not who she is now at all, which is why I am so shocked by it.  

So, as you will know about this, the key point is over a lifetime, when not using contraception, i.e. having unprotected sex, there is only a small chance of it being passed onto an uninfected person?  

I have complete respect for your religious beliefs and for your careful and thoughtful approach to marriage as a lifetime commitment.  You sound like a very thoughtful and compassionate person.

As to the chances of it passing on, that is something that is so complicated that I don't think anyone knows.  It's like catching a cold:  5 people can be in a room with 1 other person who has a cold, and none of them catch it, all of them catch it, half catch it....you see where I'm going with this.

What I would do is book some time with your doctor and open up a discussion.

And book some time with a therapist, a few sessions, to see how to formulate your thoughts on the matter, as I do think that it would help to have a third party professional help guide you through this decision.

[ShySoul]

3 hours ago, ignite said:

I tried to be very gentle with her and tried to be understanding but at the same time just felt so sad and annoyed that this happened to her.  Sure it was her decision ultimately and she has paid for it but it is not who she is now at all, which is why I am so shocked by it.  

So, as you will know about this, the key point is over a lifetime, when not using contraception, i.e. having unprotected sex, there is only a small chance of it being passed onto an uninfected person?  

I believe the risk is small and that there are steps you can take to minimize those risks. But like anything, there will always be a risk. Even if an infection does happen, it is something that can be lived with and treated. Speaking to a medical professional is really your best course of action to calm any uncertainty or fears you might have.

I also highly respect your values and stance. If this is someone you love and plan to spend forever with, then work with her to address any concerns or feelings either of you have. What she did in the past or the consequences of those actions aren't as important as who she is now and what you share together. The love you share will be able to pull you through.

[ignite]

@ShySoul, @Starlight925

Thank you both.  It is really difficult because we're only just starting to fall for each other I think.  We haven't even said we love each other or anything like that as it's only been a couple of months but it's been a lovely 2 months of fun dates, pleasant conversations and a genuine spark both physically and emotionally.  This is why I feel so torn up by this dilemma. I feel though I may have already checked out as I noticed my texts to her tonight was lacking that usual buzz and affection and she may pick up on this I'm sure. 

I really want this to work but I fear that this issue is just too bothersome for me.  Since she told me I keep waking up in shock because I can barely believe she actually has this because, like you said this is definitely not who she is now and it feels so unfair to punish her for that by letting go.   

 

[ShySoul]

You just found out? Then you are still processing it. It takes time.

Finding out a big thing about a person's past, something that doesn't fit with the person you have come to know, can be startling. It can make you question things and re-evaluate. You react out of emotion, be it uncertainty, fear, or lots of other things. It's okay to pause and need time to figure out how you feel.

Not to push my beliefs, but I was raised Catholic. I went to religous schools for K-8 and again for college. I also hope should I ever be married that it would be for life. So I understand those values having an impact on how you view a relationship.

From what I was taught, God is about forgiveness and love. He wouldn't hold a person's past against them if they are striving to better themselves. And he would want each person to be able to celebrate the love they find and be happy with it. Jesus was also the one who would welcome lepers. It was more important the kind of person they were.

It's okay to be suprised and unsure. But try to realize this is something that happened to her in the past. It's not a reflection of who she is now or anything to do with you. How you proceed should be based on the connection you have and your feelings about each other today, in the present.

Hope you can get through it.

[ignite]

14 hours ago, ShySoul said:

You just found out? Then you are still processing it. It takes time.

Finding out a big thing about a person's past, something that doesn't fit with the person you have come to know, can be startling. It can make you question things and re-evaluate. You react out of emotion, be it uncertainty, fear, or lots of other things. It's okay to pause and need time to figure out how you feel.

Not to push my beliefs, but I was raised Catholic. I went to religous schools for K-8 and again for college. I also hope should I ever be married that it would be for life. So I understand those values having an impact on how you view a relationship.

From what I was taught, God is about forgiveness and love. He wouldn't hold a person's past against them if they are striving to better themselves. And he would want each person to be able to celebrate the love they find and be happy with it. Jesus was also the one who would welcome lepers. It was more important the kind of person they were.

It's okay to be suprised and unsure. But try to realize this is something that happened to her in the past. It's not a reflection of who she is now or anything to do with you. How you proceed should be based on the connection you have and your feelings about each other today, in the present.

Hope you can get through it.

Yes exactly this was only 72 hours ago that she told me and since then I have been a bit of a wreck.  Last few nights waking up sweating and in panic just trying to get over how this has happened.  Like you said the person I have got to know is like a world away from the person she was before she was a Christian and to me that's what I'm having trouble getting my head around.  So there is an emotional challenge as well as the obvious physical anxiety of potentially contracting the virus.  

Exactly right God sees the heart of a person in who they are now so from that standpoint, I am willing to accept whatever her past was.  It's just the physical consequence is something in this case because it's a permanent condition that has an impact for a future relationship with someone. 

Like you suggest I need to give this more time, let the fear, anxiety and panic settle down first and then see how I feel and make a decision based on when I am calmer.  The question is will I be able to fully do this and come to a point where I can be at peace with the thought of being with her long term and more crucially with her sexually, not having to worry about any physical consequences.  And for things to be natural and organic like how everything was before she told me about her condition.

 

 

 

[catfeeder]

On 9/2/2024 at 11:45 AM, ignite said:

Therefore if I marry this girl then that's it, forever.  ...

... So, as you will know about this, the key point is over a lifetime, when not using contraception, i.e. having unprotected sex, there is only a small chance of it being passed onto an uninfected person?  

If you're certain that you will stay with your wife forever, then if you end up with an occasional or one-time bout of a minor skin condition, would that be the end of the world, especially given that you'd be in zero danger of passing it on to anyone else?

Do your research. One in 8 people has the virus, and they live perfectly normal and otherwise healthy lives with no impact on their lifespan.

You get to decide which is more important, a wonderful potential spouse, or the degree to which you want to inflate the importance of some skin blemishes?

[ShySoul]

Let the shock wear off and do your homework. It's fairly common and most of the time isn't an issue. And if it flairs up, it can easily be treated. 

If you do decide this is the woman you love enough to marry for life, then a minor skin ailment or health problem that millions live with each day shouln't be the stumbling block. It is just another part of life you'll have to deal with, it shouldn't define her or what you share with her. In the end, the love and connection between two people is more powerful then any physical condition. So don't let something like this destroy what could be something special.

 

"Researchers note that 1 in 5 women and 1 in 10 men ages 14 to 49 years have genital herpes. (Office on Women’s Health, 2023)"

"Herpes is not curable, but antiviral medications, such as acyclovir, famciclovir, and valacyclovir, can help shorten or control outbreaks."

https://www.singlecare.com/blog/news/herpes-statistics/#:~:text=population has herpes%3F-,Globally%2C around half a billion people have genital herpes%2C and,the U.S. have oral herpes.

[sweetlady]

It depends on how you feel about this person.

I am sure that person telling you was not easy. The rejection from lovers and really being tough.

I have been with my OH for a long time he doesn't even seem like he understands it. He not bothered at all although I have medication for it and if outbreaks I take it. I hate to say it but sure he may have it too. He hasn't researched it thinks he won't get it. Who I am to keep telling him over about this if he doesn't get it. He could also be fine.

I don't think this is such a big if the person really loves you for who you are you can get past it. Remember that person didn't ask for it. Someone gave it to them.

If a deal breaker for you sorry it says a lot about you but do it now. Let that person move on.