Struggling with loss after situationship

[afatalistdawn]

Longtime lurker here. I’ve enjoyed following the discussions on this forum and decided to post about my own struggle.
Long story short, I’m still reeling from a situationship. We were friends for 2+ years. Neither of us (well, not me, at least) entered the friendship with intentions of becoming anything more, but something happened, and we caught feelings. Once the relationship veered into romantic territory, there was a huge shift in her personality. She started sending mixed signals, acting hot and cold. She would be warm in person but cold over text, often leaving me on read.

The breaking point came when one day, she showered me with affection, praise, and big promises about spending more time together. At the time, I thought she was turning a corner. In hindsight, I realize she was just love-bombing me because I was starting to pull away. The moment I reached out to her, she ghosted me for two weeks. This left me pretty messed up emotionally and mentally.

After those two weeks, this cowardly excuse for a human being had the audacity to pop back into my life out of the blue to apologize for ghosting me and stated how much she enjoyed spending time with me. I accused her of being untrustworthy and not caring about me.

She responded with another apology for sending mixed signals and (in a very flippant way) asked to stay friends. This made me enraged. I felt she was gaslighting me by pretending to be “confused” because I felt she was sending those mixed signals on purpose. I left her on read, for two reasons: 1) Because I didn’t want to say something I would regret and, more importantly, 2) I wanted to punish her by showing her what it felt like to be ghosted. After a month went by and my emotions settled, I sent her a completely platonic message over the holidays. And… I got ghosted again. I’ve been in no contact for at least 8 months. Total silence. And never, NOT ONCE, has this person ever reached out to check on me.
We used to see each other semi-regularly in person. Not only did she ghost me, she switched jobs (we were not coworkers), so I never got to talk to her in person. I don’t know if our fight was the impetus for her leaving but I was in the dark the entire time.

Looking back, I now see the signs she was never interested in me:
-    This person never reached out first. I always initiated contact. (This was a big point of resentment for me.)
-    Hot and cold behavior.
-    Emotionally unavailable.
-    Actions not matching words.
-    Future faking.

At first, there was grief. I mourned the loss of someone I considered a friend. It honestly felt like she died. There was no closure to the way things ended. Now, there is just resentment and anger. I’m angry that I got used and discarded. I'm angry that I was blindsided by someone I cared about. But most of all I’m angry that she lives in my head rent-free. I've had recurring nightmares about this person abandoning me. Why do I still think about someone who didn’t care about me? I’ve tried doing other things to take my mind off her and redirecting my energy toward people who deserve it, but there’s a hollowness in my heart. I’m committed to no contact and have not reached out to her in over 8 months, and I don’t plan on ever reaching out first. Since then, it’s been radio silence. She has a common name, and every time I see that name, my fists clench. She has poisoned me and made me emotionally unavailable for others.

TL; DR: Someone I considered a friend ghosted me after a moment of intimacy in our friendship. I’ve been in no contact but still struggling to heal. I don't know how to shut off my feelings for someone who was once a close friend.

[SooSad33]

51 minutes ago, afatalistdawn said:

TL; DR: Someone I considered a friend ghosted me after a moment of intimacy in our friendship. I’ve been in no contact but still struggling to heal. I don't know how to shut off my feelings for someone who was once a close friend.

Well, first off, I highly suggest you don't get involved with 'friends'.

 

51 minutes ago, afatalistdawn said:

I’m committed to no contact and have not reached out to her in over 8 months, and I don’t plan on ever reaching out first.

Ever reaching out, first?  How about ever!  She's hurt you and you feel used, and hurt.

 

Hey, you gave it a shot and it didn't work for you.. sorry 😕 .  For a while, yeah, is best to keep it as is as you work thru your emotions.. and yes, treat her as dead. As it is like this now. 

It is hard, I know... I've been thru this as well... But, the worst thing to do is have anymore expectations with her.

In time, these emotions will subside and you'll see the light again... it just went sour for you. Now, you know how she is and realize it's not something you want, right? 😉 

Give yourself some time. Be easy on yourself and believe this will blow over.  Meanwhile, journaling helps, to get it out another way.  All you want to say to her, say it in your journal.

[ShySoul]

You are stuck looking at this from one perspective. All you can see is a horible person who used and took advantage of you. Even your post is filled with anger and rage at her. If that is constantly how you frame the situation, then those negative emotions will just feed themselves over and over again. You will see every action in those terms and will not be able to get better. It only serves to reenforce the hurt you carry.

Try to reframe things in such a way that allows you to forgive her and, more importantly, herself. When you can forgive, you can move forward.

It wasn't that she didn't care about you. At one point you were friends. Neither of you planned to be more, it simply happened. And once it happened, she didn't know how to handle it. There could be many reasons why, things going on with her that have nothing to do with you. It doesn't excuse or justify her behavior. She was still wrong and you have every reason to be hurt by it. But it doesn't help you to be stuck in that hurt. It wasn't a cruel person trying to manipulate you and setting you up on purpose. It was a human being who feel for someone and couldn't handle their own emotional state. 

Terms like gas-lighting and love-bombing can be useful descriptions of patterns. But they can also serve to keep us angry and fixated on the issue. They can be thrown out and serve to remind of the thing we are trying to not think about. They can be triggers that keep us frozen where we are at. Continuing to dwell on words that have such negative feelings attached, keeps you locked into those feelings.

1 hour ago, afatalistdawn said:

more importantly, 2) I wanted to punish her by showing her what it felt like to be ghosted.

Also see that you were not completely innocent. You returned her actions by doing the same thing as a way of punishing her. You allowed the anger and hurt to control you, making you guilty of what you are angry with her for.

At this point, it's not about what happened then or who did what. It's about what you are going to do in the present, and what you want for your future. Forgive her. Forgive yourself for allowing it. Let the past be the past. You survived. You know to not allow it in the future. You don't have to be around her if you don't choose to be. So let it be over and focus on things that are positive and on building a better future for yourself.

[afatalistdawn]

3 hours ago, SooSad33 said:

Well, first off, I highly suggest you don't get involved with 'friends'.

 

Ever reaching out, first?  How about ever!  She's hurt you and you feel used, and hurt.

 

Hey, you gave it a shot and it didn't work for you.. sorry 😕 .  For a while, yeah, is best to keep it as is as you work thru your emotions.. and yes, treat her as dead. As it is like this now. 

It is hard, I know... I've been thru this as well... But, the worst thing to do is have anymore expectations with her.

In time, these emotions will subside and you'll see the light again... it just went sour for you. Now, you know how she is and realize it's not something you want, right? 😉 

Give yourself some time. Be easy on yourself and believe this will blow over.  Meanwhile, journaling helps, to get it out another way.  All you want to say to her, say it in your journal.

That’s true. I’ve gotten to a point where I can stop myself from reaching out first. My fear is if she reaches out to me. It’s like the old saying of an evil spirit being exorcised from a house only to return to find the house tidied and in order. I’m doing my best to get my house in order but if she comes back, I’ll be worse off than before. It’s been 8 months of no contact, and I can’t even bring myself to block her number. I’m just keeping my fingers crossed that she doesn’t reach out. I will try journaling. After the fight, I did the exercise of writing a letter that doesn’t get sent. 
 

2 hours ago, ShySoul said:

You are stuck looking at this from one perspective. All you can see is a horible person who used and took advantage of you. Even your post is filled with anger and rage at her. If that is constantly how you frame the situation, then those negative emotions will just feed themselves over and over again. You will see every action in those terms and will not be able to get better. It only serves to reenforce the hurt you carry.

Try to reframe things in such a way that allows you to forgive her and, more importantly, herself. When you can forgive, you can move forward.

It wasn't that she didn't care about you. At one point you were friends. Neither of you planned to be more, it simply happened. And once it happened, she didn't know how to handle it. There could be many reasons why, things going on with her that have nothing to do with you. It doesn't excuse or justify her behavior. She was still wrong and you have every reason to be hurt by it. But it doesn't help you to be stuck in that hurt. It wasn't a cruel person trying to manipulate you and setting you up on purpose. It was a human being who feel for someone and couldn't handle their own emotional state. 

Terms like gas-lighting and love-bombing can be useful descriptions of patterns. But they can also serve to keep us angry and fixated on the issue. They can be thrown out and serve to remind of the thing we are trying to not think about. They can be triggers that keep us frozen where we are at. Continuing to dwell on words that have such negative feelings attached, keeps you locked into those feelings.

Also see that you were not completely innocent. You returned her actions by doing the same thing as a way of punishing her. You allowed the anger and hurt to control you, making you guilty of what you are angry with her for.

At this point, it's not about what happened then or who did what. It's about what you are going to do in the present, and what you want for your future. Forgive her. Forgive yourself for allowing it. Let the past be the past. You survived. You know to not allow it in the future. You don't have to be around her if you don't choose to be. So let it be over and focus on things that are positive and on building a better future for yourself.

Respectfully, I do not see myself at fault. I didn't ghost her without reason. Attention and affection is currency, so I stopped it, "shut off her water" so to speak.

I don’t know if it’s in me to forgive, especially after she ghosted me the second time. A simple holiday greeting, requiring the bare minimum of human decency. I would not tolerate such behavior from a stranger, much less a friend. It's a stab in the back.

[shouldhavelearned]

Time and meeting someone new

[ShySoul]

2 hours ago, afatalistdawn said:

Respectfully, I do not see myself at fault. I didn't ghost her without reason. Attention and affection is currency, so I stopped it, "shut off her water" so to speak.

I don’t know if it’s in me to forgive, especially after she ghosted me the second time. A simple holiday greeting, requiring the bare minimum of human decency. I would not tolerate such behavior from a stranger, much less a friend. It's a stab in the back.

Not saying you are at fault. You did have valid reasons for what you did. And anyone in your position would be rightfully upset with her.

What I'm saying is that if you want to move on and not be fixated on it, then he need to not think of it in the same terms. The more you see things as blame and being at fault, the more stuck you are on it. 

I've held onto hurt and anger at people. It it just caused me to relive the same incidents day after day. It just lead me to being more hurt and angry. I couldn't feel better until I let that all go and put in behind me. I couldn't change what had happened. So I removed myself from what was hurting me and turned my attention to something more useful and postive for me. Didn't mean I condoned or accepted what was done. Just that I wasn't going to let it control me months or years down the line.

Forgiveness isn't about her, it's for you. Forgiving doesn't mean you tolerate what they did or are okay with it.  Forgive doesn't mean forget and take someone back. It's a process of removing all the feelings from the incident that are now clouding your life and still hurting you. And that's what is going to allow her not be living in your head like she is.

https://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/its-for-you-not-them-forgive-to-help-yourself-heal-0710184

 

[afatalistdawn]

15 minutes ago, ShySoul said:

Not saying you are at fault. You did have valid reasons for what you did. And anyone in your position would be rightfully upset with her.

What I'm saying is that if you want to move on and not be fixated on it, then he need to not think of it in the same terms. The more you see things as blame and being at fault, the more stuck you are on it. 

I've held onto hurt and anger at people. It it just caused me to relive the same incidents day after day. It just lead me to being more hurt and angry. I couldn't feel better until I let that all go and put in behind me. I couldn't change what had happened. So I removed myself from what was hurting me and turned my attention to something more useful and postive for me. Didn't mean I condoned or accepted what was done. Just that I wasn't going to let it control me months or years down the line.

Forgiveness isn't about her, it's for you. Forgiving doesn't mean you tolerate what they did or are okay with it.  Forgive doesn't mean forget and take someone back. It's a process of removing all the feelings from the incident that are now clouding your life and still hurting you. And that's what is going to allow her not be living in your head like she is.

https://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/its-for-you-not-them-forgive-to-help-yourself-heal-0710184

 

Ok, I see what you mean now. I will try reframing forgiveness as something for me, not her. Though, it feels nearly impossible even 8 months later (I guess I should start by stop counting the amount of time that's passed). Compassion without lowering my boundaries. That link was very helpful. Thank you.

[MissCanuck]

I think the person you are most angry at is yourself, OP. 

Her behaviour was inconsiderate and unkind, that's true. But you saw signs that this wasn't going anywhere, and yet you kept trying. Don't do that next time.. You can't do anything to change her, of course, but you can make changes for yourself and not over-invest in someone who starts flaking and isn't ever the one reaching out to you first. 

All that rage and those clenched fists? That's your cue that you handed over too much of your emotional power to her. It's time to take it back, and harness that energy into pushing your forward rather than seething about the past. 

[AuthenticSelf]

On 9/2/2024 at 7:47 AM, afatalistdawn said:

I don't know how to shut off my feelings for someone who was once a close friend.

What will happen if you can do this?

[afatalistdawn]

On 9/2/2024 at 2:20 AM, MissCanuck said:

I think the person you are most angry at is yourself, OP. 

Her behaviour was inconsiderate and unkind, that's true. But you saw signs that this wasn't going anywhere, and yet you kept trying. Don't do that next time.. You can't do anything to change her, of course, but you can make changes for yourself and not over-invest in someone who starts flaking and isn't ever the one reaching out to you first. 

All that rage and those clenched fists? That's your cue that you handed over too much of your emotional power to her. It's time to take it back, and harness that energy into pushing your forward rather than seething about the past. 

Well said. I think I needed this wake-up call.

On 9/4/2024 at 3:59 PM, AuthenticSelf said:

What will happen if you can do this?

Good question! As I said, my greatest fear is her reaching out to me. That's because, despite everything that's happened, despite the betrayal and abandonment, I still have lingering feelings for her as a friend. If I can get rid of those feelings, I won't be vulnerable to her coming back (I have not brought myself to block her). I want to get to a point of apathy, not anger.

[AuthenticSelf]

15 minutes ago, afatalistdawn said:

Good question! As I said, my greatest fear is her reaching out to me. That's because, despite everything that's happened, despite the betrayal and abandonment, I still have lingering feelings for her as a friend. If I can get rid of those feelings, I won't be vulnerable to her coming back (I have not brought myself to block her). I want to get to a point of apathy, not anger.

Just in case I get this wrong, you want to shut off your feeling to her who was once a close friend. However, you fear of her reaching out to you. Is that correct? 

[afatalistdawn]

5 minutes ago, AuthenticSelf said:

Just in case I get this wrong, you want to shut off your feeling to her who was once a close friend. However, you fear of her reaching out to you. Is that correct? 

Yes, that's about right. The fear of her reaching out is largely why I want to shut off my feelings for her.

[AuthenticSelf]

3 minutes ago, afatalistdawn said:

Yes, that's about right. The fear of her reaching out is largely why I want to shut off my feelings for her.

OK! from what you said, you want to shut off your feelings to her because of fear of her reaching out. 

So, what results are you looking for?

[afatalistdawn]

  

1 hour ago, AuthenticSelf said:

OK! from what you said, you want to shut off your feelings to her because of fear of her reaching out. 

So, what results are you looking for?

 

Not sure what you mean by results. I guess shutting off those feelings would be the desire result. Please see the previous comment about getting to a place of apathy instead of anger.

[ShySoul]

2 hours ago, afatalistdawn said:

As I said, my greatest fear is her reaching out to me. That's because, despite everything that's happened, despite the betrayal and abandonment, I still have lingering feelings for her as a friend. If I can get rid of those feelings, I won't be vulnerable to her coming back (I have not brought myself to block her). I want to get to a point of apathy, not anger.

It may feel counter intuiative with all the feelings going on inside of you still, but I think the best path is through acceptance. I've found the more people struggle to stop their feelings and get rid of them, the more entangled they become. But if accept that these are your feelings, you can stop the worrying and stress and allow yourself the distance to properly heal.

It's like how when we are faced with a problem at work or doing a puzzle and find ourselves stuck. You take a break and come back to it later. You accept that at this point you don't see the solution and that it's too exhausting for you to continue. Then you come back and find the answer right away.

Same thing can apply. She isn't contacting you, right? So give it a break. Accept there is a part of you that wishes you could have stayed friends. Don't fight it. That doesn't mean you are going to reach out to her. That doesn't mean she is reaching out to you. Clear the scenario from your mind and focus on other things. Should she reach out to you, you can cross that bridge then. And you can do so while evaluating if you want to risk the calm you've hopefully found in the meantime for a chance at that friendship.

Creating space from it even being in your thoughts can give you more clarity later then constantly trying to solve it now.

[AuthenticSelf]

1 hour ago, afatalistdawn said:

  

 

Not sure what you mean by results. I guess shutting off those feelings would be the desire result. Please see the previous comment about getting to a place of apathy instead of anger.

What I mean is just let's just imagine you have this problem fully resolve and you are a different person to what you are like right now. 

Are you able to give a brief description of that new version of you?