Opinion of men has been skewed

[Tinydance]

So how old is he now and how old are you? The thing is, people are all different and have different feelings about these kinds of things. For example, some people don't mind if their partner watches porn and some are really against it. Some people have had a one night stand so they don't care if their partner had one.

At the end of the day, as much as people might say "you shouldn't put up with it", to be in the relationship you have to accept it. I don't know if he has really changed but the point is he's not actually doing these behaviours *now*. He did them in the past. Some of them he did when he was single so to me that seems very different to doing them in a relationship. But whichever way you look at it, your only choices are to accept it and move on, or end the relationship. You actually can't go back and change what he did in the past. So it's your choice how you feel and want to proceed with this.

I think some of what we are talking about are values rather than what he actually did in YOUR relationship. For example if he had a one night stand, well he was single and could do what he likes. So the question is do you feel gross and don't approve that he had a one night stand? Because that wasn't actually something related to your relationship. Same thing that he used a web cam girl. Is this a deal breaker for you? If the things he did are deal breakers then I think you'd need to end it with your boyfriend. There is no way to change what he has already done.

Above all, you said your sexual experience is actually the same. So you both slept with the same amount of people. So he's not more promiscuous than you or done more than you? So from that perspective I don't really understand why it bothers you who he slept with in the past if you've slept with people too.

I also think that people can definitely change from when they're a teenager to adult. I don't know how old he is now but if say he's in his 20's, that's very different to being a teenager. I don't think you can always hold something against someone that they did when they were very young. Unless I guess it goes too strongly against your values or it's just unforgivable. E.g. They killed someone.

[RockPanda]

5 hours ago, Batya33 said:

But who cares really - I was moody during my cycles and very moody/hormonal when I was pregnant.  I also was when we were newlyweds with a newborn in a 550 square foot apartment.  Was I perfect in my behavior? No.  But I did my utmost not to subject my husband to my moods and for sure I felt more irritable from hormones, sleep deprivation, the stress of pregnancy- but all that meant was I had to be aware of that and choose to behave kindly if at all possible.  I mean sure it's interesting to see patterns -but not relevant to why in this particular case you choose to react to your feelings by bringing it up to him over and over.

Yes I know what you’re saying. It’s weird, as I was always a very balanced person before meeting my boyfriend so maybe it is to do with me being in a relationship rather than my hormones, I don’t know.

[RockPanda]

1 hour ago, Tinydance said:

So how old is he now and how old are you? The thing is, people are all different and have different feelings about these kinds of things. For example, some people don't mind if their partner watches porn and some are really against it. Some people have had a one night stand so they don't care if their partner had one.

At the end of the day, as much as people might say "you shouldn't put up with it", to be in the relationship you have to accept it. I don't know if he has really changed but the point is he's not actually doing these behaviours *now*. He did them in the past. Some of them he did when he was single so to me that seems very different to doing them in a relationship. But whichever way you look at it, your only choices are to accept it and move on, or end the relationship. You actually can't go back and change what he did in the past. So it's your choice how you feel and want to proceed with this.

I think some of what we are talking about are values rather than what he actually did in YOUR relationship. For example if he had a one night stand, well he was single and could do what he likes. So the question is do you feel gross and don't approve that he had a one night stand? Because that wasn't actually something related to your relationship. Same thing that he used a web cam girl. Is this a deal breaker for you? If the things he did are deal breakers then I think you'd need to end it with your boyfriend. There is no way to change what he has already done.

Above all, you said your sexual experience is actually the same. So you both slept with the same amount of people. So he's not more promiscuous than you or done more than you? So from that perspective I don't really understand why it bothers you who he slept with in the past if you've slept with people too.

I also think that people can definitely change from when they're a teenager to adult. I don't know how old he is now but if say he's in his 20's, that's very different to being a teenager. I don't think you can always hold something against someone that they did when they were very young. Unless I guess it goes too strongly against your values or it's just unforgivable. E.g. They killed someone.

Thank you for your response. Just to clear up a few things. I don’t have a problem with the one night stand. I have a problem with what he told me about the one night stand, eg. Over sharing information about it.

We’re also both in our 20s but I’m a few years younger. 
 

Sorry I wasn’t very clear about the web cam thing, he didn’t pay for an online service. He used chatrooms to find random people to talk to online, which he then exchanged pictures/videos with and some of them they had a live video call. 
 

I also haven’t had a one night stand, I meant more because our experience is very limited and there’s not much in it. I have had the opportunity to have one on multiple occasions though but always turned them down as it’s not for me.

Basically, he’s slept with one other person and I haven’t slept with anyone else. To be really honest, he didn’t even see it as a one night stand and hoped to date the person afterwards but it didn’t work out. He also didn’t finish because he was so nervous so I suppose it wasn’t a very positive memory for him and something he doesn’t remember as being a good thing as he said he felt used afterwards.

Just to add, something he was really embarrassed about and didn’t tell me for ages was that he’s never “finished” so to speak with anyone else other than me. Something that at the beginning of our relationship, he let me to believe he had done, which I said he shouldn’t have as I was actually really pleased as it’s something special we share together.

[ShySoul]

7 minutes ago, RockPanda said:

Basically, he’s slept with one other person and I haven’t slept with anyone else. To be really honest, he didn’t even see it as a one night stand and hoped to date the person afterwards but it didn’t work out. He also didn’t finish because he was so nervous so I suppose it wasn’t a very positive memory for him and something he doesn’t remember positively. 

The more you say, the more it seems like the way someone inexperienced and nervous but still curious would behave. In other words, he was acting like a male. 😉 He's naturally interested in sex, so found a safe outlet in chatrooms where he could get a taste of it but without the real investment and commitment. He had the opportunity with someone he thought could lead to something real, so tried it even though things didn't ultimately go well. Kind of feel bad for him having that experience, to be honest.

You may have already said this, but did you set boundaries on the oversharing? Work out with him what not to get into? Only saying a little unless pushed for more? Think those kind of conversations are also important for a relationships and it's a learning experience as it's not always clear what the right balance to share is.

 

[RockPanda]

7 minutes ago, ShySoul said:

The more you say, the more it seems like the way someone inexperienced and nervous but still curious would behave. In other words, he was acting like a male. 😉 He's naturally interested in sex, so found a safe outlet in chatrooms where he could get a taste of it but without the real investment and commitment. He had the opportunity with someone he thought could lead to something real, so tried it even though things didn't ultimately go well. Kind of feel bad for him having that experience, to be honest.

You may have already said this, but did you set boundaries on the oversharing? Work out with him what not to get into? Only saying a little unless pushed for more? Think those kind of conversations are also important for a relationships and it's a learning experience as it's not always clear what the right balance to share is.

 

Yes I can see that being the case too.

In terms of over sharing, he’d told me everything before I had the chance to say anything when we were friends/ just dating so I knew about his past before getting into a relationship with him. He did make a few more comments once we were together too that I didn’t need to know but the stuff he told me before that, I wrote off as him just trying to be open and honest with me.

[AuthenticSelf]

9 hours ago, RockPanda said:

It tends to happen depending on how I’m feeling emotionally (personally I think it could be linked to my menstrual cycle but I don’t know for sure) It seems to be every few weeks, unless something happens in particular that triggers a reminder of something. 
For example, the other day, someone from his past got mentioned in conversation, I think it was me actually who brought it up and then I just spiralled and it caused a disagreement where everything was brought up and it lasted a few days on and off. 
 

I would also say there’s no particular location or condition that causes me to remember these things, it just seems to happen randomly. 

So, it tends to happen based on how you feel. And it seems to be every few weeks. 

Great, there are 2 things here to explore: how you feel and something periodic every few weeks. 

So, how did you feel before and after you bring it up? 

What occasions happens every few weeks in your life? 

 

About the other day when someone from his past got mentioned in conversation, we can see where that conversation is, who is involved and what event(friend birthday, house party, etc) it happened at. 

 

Seems like the fact you bring it up is because of some external situation, nothing wrong inside you. 

[Tinydance]

This is just my opinion and you don't have to agree with me. Personally I don't think your boyfriend did anything wrong in regards to watching porn, one night stand, FWB, or sexting online with randoms. I'll explain why I think this. In my opinion watching porn in itself isn't right or wrong. It's a personal preference and personal opinion. Everyone is entitled to their opinion but it's YOUR opinion. I'm female and I watch porn myself and don't care if my partner watches porn. I don't believe porn is cheating. If you don't agree, no problem and respect to you but this is how I feel.

Secondly, doing things like one night stand, FWB, cyber sex, when he was single, is also not cheating. He was single and could do whatever he wanted. This had no relation to you because he wasn't dating you.

You actually also said he "overshared" when you were just friends. Well if you weren't even dating and he mentioned it then it's not really like it was insensitive if you were only friends. I mean I'm sorry but if I tell a platonic friend I had a one night stand then it's not really supposed to affect them coz they're not really supposed to care what I do in my own personal life.

To top all that off, you said your boyfriend stopped doing any of this when you said it makes you feel uncomfortable. So he listened and he respected how you felt. So I see this issue as resolved.

I don't understand why some posters were basically like: "he's a bad guy and you need to dump him". If you don't agree with some of his dating choices in the past then that's how you feel. But that doesn't make him bad.

However what he did wrong is he had "verbal diarrhoea" and he shouldn't have been talking about other women to you or what he did in the past. The thing is, it's common to find other people attractive. The difference is people keep their mouth shut and usually don't tell their partner that they find other people attractive lol

[Batya33]

6 hours ago, RockPanda said:

Yes I know what you’re saying. It’s weird, as I was always a very balanced person before meeting my boyfriend so maybe it is to do with me being in a relationship rather than my hormones, I don’t know.

Yes but even really balanced people can get crazy a bit when you throw love into the mix.  It's why I had "rules" for myself when I met someone I was over the moon about as I wasn't thinking clearly.  I'm quite balanced and logical and when I was early pregnant with raging hormones I used a $50 gift card at a really fancy place to buy - 24 dried gourmet apricots in a tin.  Never ever would have considered that sans hormones.  My husband sees them -I proudly showed the tin to him and he said carefully and trying not to betray his bafflement since he knew they cost $48 "um, have you ever tried this kind of apricot?" I said - um no.  He carefully suggested I not open them and -perhaps - return them and purchase regular dried apricots and see if I really liked them.

(I did and the snobby salesperson was displeased but we were pleased with our plush set of towels that lasted 7 years).  It's the same thing - love can make you crazy, hormones too lol. Combine both as with my dried fruit purchase - wow.  

I think it's really valuable to ask if you are trying to rationalize getting out of the relationship before you get too close.  Or maybe you're just not that into him? Don't really see a future with him?  I am a person who would not be comfortable being serious with someone who'd had multiple partners/one night stands/casual sex past maybe a phase in college etc. I dated someone like that for 5 months -a reformed player -his words -I knew of his past as I met him through a close mutual friend.  He showed some of those player behaviors with me.

After he ended things with me he met his future wife 6 months later  -before that he tried to get me to hook up with him casually.  While he was dating his future wife and even when they were married he sent me inappropriate messages and texts- not outright sexual because I never let it get that far - but let's say if my husband or fiancee was writing what he wrote I'd be really really upset.  He's been married many years now but we haven't been in any touch for over 15 so I don't know or care.  Obviously that's just him.  There are people who are fine with casual sex, porn, one night stands, multiple partners-or more than fine -it can be exciting, a turn on etc.  Figure out what your values are -mine are irrelevant just giving an example.  

[RockPanda]

4 hours ago, AuthenticSelf said:

So, it tends to happen based on how you feel. And it seems to be every few weeks. 

Great, there are 2 things here to explore: how you feel and something periodic every few weeks. 

So, how did you feel before and after you bring it up? 

What occasions happens every few weeks in your life? 

 

About the other day when someone from his past got mentioned in conversation, we can see where that conversation is, who is involved and what event(friend birthday, house party, etc) it happened at. 

 

Seems like the fact you bring it up is because of some external situation, nothing wrong inside you. 

To be honest, it just seems to be completely random. I can’t pinpoint exactly what causes it in particular.

[RockPanda]

1 hour ago, Tinydance said:

This is just my opinion and you don't have to agree with me. Personally I don't think your boyfriend did anything wrong in regards to watching porn, one night stand, FWB, or sexting online with randoms. I'll explain why I think this. In my opinion watching porn in itself isn't right or wrong. It's a personal preference and personal opinion. Everyone is entitled to their opinion but it's YOUR opinion. I'm female and I watch porn myself and don't care if my partner watches porn. I don't believe porn is cheating. If you don't agree, no problem and respect to you but this is how I feel.

Secondly, doing things like one night stand, FWB, cyber sex, when he was single, is also not cheating. He was single and could do whatever he wanted. This had no relation to you because he wasn't dating you.

You actually also said he "overshared" when you were just friends. Well if you weren't even dating and he mentioned it then it's not really like it was insensitive if you were only friends. I mean I'm sorry but if I tell a platonic friend I had a one night stand then it's not really supposed to affect them coz they're not really supposed to care what I do in my own personal life.

To top all that off, you said your boyfriend stopped doing any of this when you said it makes you feel uncomfortable. So he listened and he respected how you felt. So I see this issue as resolved.

I don't understand why some posters were basically like: "he's a bad guy and you need to dump him". If you don't agree with some of his dating choices in the past then that's how you feel. But that doesn't make him bad.

However what he did wrong is he had "verbal diarrhoea" and he shouldn't have been talking about other women to you or what he did in the past. The thing is, it's common to find other people attractive. The difference is people keep their mouth shut and usually don't tell their partner that they find other people attractive lol

Thank you, the only thing I was going to add is I can’t understand why he’d tell me when he’d pursued me and he’d only wanted to be friends so we could date. So why tell a girl you fancy all about your past? 
 

and I understand about finding others attractive, you just don’t tell your partner. 

[RockPanda]

1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

Yes but even really balanced people can get crazy a bit when you throw love into the mix.  It's why I had "rules" for myself when I met someone I was over the moon about as I wasn't thinking clearly.  I'm quite balanced and logical and when I was early pregnant with raging hormones I used a $50 gift card at a really fancy place to buy - 24 dried gourmet apricots in a tin.  Never ever would have considered that sans hormones.  My husband sees them -I proudly showed the tin to him and he said carefully and trying not to betray his bafflement since he knew they cost $48 "um, have you ever tried this kind of apricot?" I said - um no.  He carefully suggested I not open them and -perhaps - return them and purchase regular dried apricots and see if I really liked them.

(I did and the snobby salesperson was displeased but we were pleased with our plush set of towels that lasted 7 years).  It's the same thing - love can make you crazy, hormones too lol. Combine both as with my dried fruit purchase - wow.  

I think it's really valuable to ask if you are trying to rationalize getting out of the relationship before you get too close.  Or maybe you're just not that into him? Don't really see a future with him?  I am a person who would not be comfortable being serious with someone who'd had multiple partners/one night stands/casual sex past maybe a phase in college etc. I dated someone like that for 5 months -a reformed player -his words -I knew of his past as I met him through a close mutual friend.  He showed some of those player behaviors with me.

After he ended things with me he met his future wife 6 months later  -before that he tried to get me to hook up with him casually.  While he was dating his future wife and even when they were married he sent me inappropriate messages and texts- not outright sexual because I never let it get that far - but let's say if my husband or fiancee was writing what he wrote I'd be really really upset.  He's been married many years now but we haven't been in any touch for over 15 so I don't know or care.  Obviously that's just him.  There are people who are fine with casual sex, porn, one night stands, multiple partners-or more than fine -it can be exciting, a turn on etc.  Figure out what your values are -mine are irrelevant just giving an example.  

Yes I do worry that I may be pushing him away because I never wanted a relationship. 

Although because our experiences are very similar, maybe we are well suited as I wouldn’t want to be with someone who’s been with lots of people either. 

[AuthenticSelf]

8 hours ago, RockPanda said:

To be honest, it just seems to be completely random. I can’t pinpoint exactly what causes it in particular.

Well, seems to get there. So, it is completely random. Now as you are aware of it, what actions are you able to do about it? 

[RockPanda]

8 hours ago, AuthenticSelf said:

Well, seems to get there. So, it is completely random. Now as you are aware of it, what actions are you able to do about it? 

Well I’ve just booked myself in for 6 weeks of counselling so I’m hoping that will help.

[AuthenticSelf]

2 hours ago, RockPanda said:

Well I’ve just booked myself in for 6 weeks of counselling so I’m hoping that will help.

6 weeks of counselling. To what extend do you hope it will help?

[RockPanda]

7 minutes ago, AuthenticSelf said:

6 weeks of counselling. To what extend do you hope it will help?

By being able to talk to a professional about my feelings and exploring how I can accept the past and move past it. I think even if I removed my boyfriend from the equation, I’d still benefit from counselling as I think I’d be the same with any relationship in the future. I do think it’s my own attitude towards relationships in general that has caused this issue, after my initial upset, I’m sure most women would be able to forgive and move forward but I definitely think I struggle to forgive as I’m the same with others in my life. 

[AuthenticSelf]

7 minutes ago, RockPanda said:

By being able to talk to a professional about my feelings and exploring how I can accept the past and move past it. I think even if I removed my boyfriend from the equation, I’d still benefit from counselling as I think I’d be the same with any relationship in the future. I do think it’s my own attitude towards relationships in general that has caused this issue, after my initial upset, I’m sure most women would be able to forgive and move forward but I definitely think I struggle to forgive as I’m the same with others in my life. 

OK, so talk to a professional about feelings, accept the past and move past it, forgive and move forward. 

Seems like you are very clear on what needed to be done from the counselling. 

Is there any other next step after you complete the 6 weeks counselling? 

[RockPanda]

5 minutes ago, AuthenticSelf said:

OK, so talk to a professional about feelings, accept the past and move past it, forgive and move forward. 

Seems like you are very clear on what needed to be done from the counselling. 

Is there any other next step after you complete the 6 weeks counselling? 

Yes that’s what I’m hoping the outcome will be.

I will have access to a 24/7 phone line if I ever need to talk to someone again. 
I can also book more counselling if I need to. 

[AuthenticSelf]

3 minutes ago, RockPanda said:

Yes that’s what I’m hoping the outcome will be.

I will have access to a 24/7 phone line if I ever need to talk to someone again. 
I can also book more counselling if I need to. 

Great. 

So, is there anything would prevent you from being completing the 6 weeks counselling? 

Life can get in the way and you may cancelled it after 3 weeks or something like that. 

Anything can happen. 

What would help you to stay focus on getting these outcome? 

[Batya33]

Honestly I wouldn't go with the "most women" outlook -people are individuals and what they choose to move past varies based on so many individual factors.  Especially in romantic relationships.  And that's just what they tell you they move past -or not.  One of my friends owns a lovely chandelier in her dining room.  Which she told me she bought as retail therapy because she was really mad at her husband many years ago. But obviously most people in her life just see a very lovely lighting fixture. 

Another friend moved past her boyfriend lying about his college education early on in their dating.  They've been married almost 29 years.  I'm pretty sure in her situation I'd have stopped dating him.  I just don't think it's a productive path to follow. I really like your self awareness that you may be using this as an excuse to exit.  My sense is you know that already- either way but if a professional can guide you to more clarity -why not? Good luck.

[Tinydance]

1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

Honestly I wouldn't go with the "most women" outlook -people are individuals and what they choose to move past varies based on so many individual factors.  Especially in romantic relationships.  And that's just what they tell you they move past -or not.  One of my friends owns a lovely chandelier in her dining room.  Which she told me she bought as retail therapy because she was really mad at her husband many years ago. But obviously most people in her life just see a very lovely lighting fixture. 

Another friend moved past her boyfriend lying about his college education early on in their dating.  They've been married almost 29 years.  I'm pretty sure in her situation I'd have stopped dating him.  I just don't think it's a productive path to follow. I really like your self awareness that you may be using this as an excuse to exit.  My sense is you know that already- either way but if a professional can guide you to more clarity -why not? Good luck.

Well the way I see it in this situation, he over shared about his FWB, one night stand, cyber sex, etc. when they were just friends. So they weren't even dating. She knew that he had done these types of things and she actually began dating him. She said they've now been together for three years. I think if she was going to not date him based on these things, she should have not dated him to begin with. 

She said he's a sweet, loving boyfriend. This is just my opinion but it's very hard to find someone you love who feels the same. If she's found that then is it really worth it to throw it away after three years because many years ago he had a one night stand? And he was single when he did these things so he didn't cheat on anybody. Everyone is going to have a past. I mean, he didn't do drugs, kill anyone, hire sex workers. OK he hooked up with someone when he was a teenager or something. Seems like the punishment he's getting doesn't fit the "crime"?

P.S. Sorry I think I misunderstood your comment. You said: "In this case I'd have stopped dating him". But I think you were actually referring to your friend's husband who lied about his education lol

[RockPanda]

4 hours ago, AuthenticSelf said:

Great. 

So, is there anything would prevent you from being completing the 6 weeks counselling? 

Life can get in the way and you may cancelled it after 3 weeks or something like that. 

Anything can happen. 

What would help you to stay focus on getting these outcome? 

No not at all, I’ll be able to stick to the 6 weeks. 

[RockPanda]

3 hours ago, Batya33 said:

Honestly I wouldn't go with the "most women" outlook -people are individuals and what they choose to move past varies based on so many individual factors.  Especially in romantic relationships.  And that's just what they tell you they move past -or not.  One of my friends owns a lovely chandelier in her dining room.  Which she told me she bought as retail therapy because she was really mad at her husband many years ago. But obviously most people in her life just see a very lovely lighting fixture. 

Another friend moved past her boyfriend lying about his college education early on in their dating.  They've been married almost 29 years.  I'm pretty sure in her situation I'd have stopped dating him.  I just don't think it's a productive path to follow. I really like your self awareness that you may be using this as an excuse to exit.  My sense is you know that already- either way but if a professional can guide you to more clarity -why not? Good luck.

Thank you, yes I understand it is very individual. And thank you! I’m hoping it goes well too! 

[RockPanda]

2 hours ago, Tinydance said:

Well the way I see it in this situation, he over shared about his FWB, one night stand, cyber sex, etc. when they were just friends. So they weren't even dating. She knew that he had done these types of things and she actually began dating him. She said they've now been together for three years. I think if she was going to not date him based on these things, she should have not dated him to begin with. 

She said he's a sweet, loving boyfriend. This is just my opinion but it's very hard to find someone you love who feels the same. If she's found that then is it really worth it to throw it away after three years because many years ago he had a one night stand? And he was single when he did these things so he didn't cheat on anybody. Everyone is going to have a past. I mean, he didn't do drugs, kill anyone, hire sex workers. OK he hooked up with someone when he was a teenager or something. Seems like the punishment he's getting doesn't fit the "crime"?

P.S. Sorry I think I misunderstood your comment. You said: "In this case I'd have stopped dating him". But I think you were actually referring to your friend's husband who lied about his education lol

Although we were just friends, he’d only messaged me to date him, not just be friends so from the beginning, we weren’t really friends. 

[AuthenticSelf]

6 hours ago, RockPanda said:

No not at all, I’ll be able to stick to the 6 weeks. 

Good luck 

You got this

[RockPanda]

23 minutes ago, AuthenticSelf said:

Good luck 

You got this

Thank you! 😊