Opinion of men has been skewed

[RockPanda]

11 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Read the lyrics to Carly Simon we have no secrets -was he being honest -or oversharing -or wanting to unburden himself of guilt by telling you all this stuff?

I've known my husband a total of 20 plus years over a period of 30 years.  Married 15 years. I do not know of all of his sexual partners but have the strong sense they only are his exes who I do know of.  He does not know of mine -but same general sense given our compatible values.  We've never asked.  What's the point? (look at those song lyrics -I agree with that notion).  I do not know if he has ever watched porn alone and vice versa -we did together for laughs many years ago.  Not our thing.  I don't monitor what he does online or elsewhere and vice versa.  I trust him and he trusts me.  We got back together after almost 8 years apart -we had serious relationships while apart and our discussions of those have been limited and very contextual/relevant since we are both in some sort of touch with certain exes.  

I think married couples are entitled if they wish to personal private space and lives.  I don't tell him everything at all - and anyway it's not in the marriage vows nor would I have promised that to him as his wife.  And same on his end.  We promise to be faithful and loyal so no secrets relevant to those commitments.  Trust also means not prying into the other person's private space.

I don't ask him who he was on the phone with unless it's relevant (like if I think our son called from school or I hear a serious tone and I am worried), I don't ask him who he is texting or e-mailing with again unless it's relevant and if it is it's a limited -respectful -inquiry.

He would be mad at me if in the name of honesty I shared details of a prior sexual experience with him - he'd assume it wasn't to be honest but somehow for my own self absorbed reasons.  He'd be right if I did something like that -and I don't for those reasons -no desire to.  No your bf doesn't get an automatic cut slack/pass for being "honest" -it depends IMO.

Absolutely if you want a let it all hang out romantic relationship where you have no secrets/no private space who am I to judge if that works for you.  I think in this situation you're grappling with this "should forgive because he was so "honest"" stuff.

Thank you for sharing your own experience. Personally, I am glad he was honest about his past, I just wish he’d told me earlier in the relationship so I could have made an informed decision. I’m not bothered about his past with other women at all, as it was very limited and none of them were actual ex girlfriends, not that I would have minded if they were. 

[RockPanda]

13 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Great idea.  I relocated 800 miles for my husband after we married and had our son.  Would your bf be able to  find work where you want to relocate? 

Yes he wants to, he’s currently in a job that he doesn’t want to do long term and is there until he finds something more suitable. 

[Batya33]

2 minutes ago, RockPanda said:

Yes he wants to, he’s currently in a job that he doesn’t want to do long term and is there until he finds something more suitable. 

Yes so then if he doesn't have a job once you relocate would you be the one financially supporting him?  If so how does he feel about that -surely you've discussed all this.

[Batya33]

3 minutes ago, RockPanda said:

Thank you for sharing your own experience. Personally, I am glad he was honest about his past, I just wish he’d told me earlier in the relationship so I could have made an informed decision. I’m not bothered about his past with other women at all, as it was very limited and none of them were actual ex girlfriends, not that I would have minded if they were. 

OK I see - yes I welcomed honesty about prior/recent drug use and cancelled first meets when I googled and saw potential white collar crime issues for example so I would have wanted to know that sort of thing too.

[RockPanda]

15 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Yes so then if he doesn't have a job once you relocate would you be the one financially supporting him?  If so how does he feel about that -surely you've discussed all this.

He’s going to remain where he is until he finds one.

[RockPanda]

14 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

OK I see - yes I welcomed honesty about prior/recent drug use and cancelled first meets when I googled and saw potential white collar crime issues for example so I would have wanted to know that sort of thing too.

Yes I’d want to know about things like that too, we’re very well matched in that respect. Neither of us have touched drugs/smoking/vapes and we’re both teetotal. 

[Batya33]

5 hours ago, RockPanda said:

He’s going to remain where he is until he finds one.

Oh ok - sounds like the best plan for him particularly if you two are not married and supporting each other financially.

[AuthenticSelf]

17 hours ago, RockPanda said:

Well right at this moment in time, I’d love to put the past behind me for good and move forward, having a much healthier relationship overall. At the moment, I don’t believe our current situation is fair for either of us. 
 

Then when this time next year comes, it’ll be up to my boyfriend if he wants to move with me. Like I say, he’s always said he wants to, he’s even discussed this with his parents and although they’ll miss him, they have been very supportive and speak to me about it regularly. 
However, I’ve never put any pressure on him to move and just said it’s something I’d always planned to do. I just don’t think it would be wise of him to move until we fully get over this hurdle of me bringing things up from the past. 

OK, so basically, all you want to focus on is to put the past behind for good and move forward, is that the final result you'd love to?

[RockPanda]

8 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Oh ok - sounds like the best plan for him particularly if you two are not married and supporting each other financially.

Yes definitely, he needs to be financially independent himself before we are able to live together. 

[RockPanda]

4 minutes ago, AuthenticSelf said:

OK, so basically, all you want to focus on is to put the past behind for good and move forward, is that the final result you'd love to?

Yes that’s what I want, 100% 

I really hope we’re able to as it’s not like he’s continued doing any of those things, he stopped immediately when I told him it upset me. It’s all on me now to move on.

[AuthenticSelf]

17 minutes ago, RockPanda said:

Yes that’s what I want, 100% 

I really hope we’re able to as it’s not like he’s continued doing any of those things, he stopped immediately when I told him it upset me. It’s all on me now to move on.

OK

The result is all clear. 

So, as you sharing this, what are you seeing about the situation that you haven't seen before? 

[RockPanda]

3 minutes ago, AuthenticSelf said:

OK

The result is all clear. 

So, as you sharing this, what are you seeing about the situation that you haven't seen before? 

Well that’s the thing, I want to be able to move past it, but I still haven’t achieved that.

[TeeDee]

There's such a thing as oversharing.  People don't need to tell each other every single freakin' thing.  It's just too much & then you can't unhear it. 

In my 20s a BF told me about a 3some & some other kinky stuff he did.  I didn't want to know.  All I wanted to know was if he was disease free.  I didn't need those details. 

A buddy of my husband is retired law enforcement.  As a result he has a very jaded view of the world & sees danger around every corner.  I get that his job made him that way & it probably saved his life but I don't want to know.  I literally said to him the other day: "I like my rose colored glasses leave them alone." 

[RockPanda]

2 minutes ago, TeeDee said:

There's such a thing as oversharing.  People don't need to tell each other every single freakin' thing.  It's just too much & then you can't unhear it. 

In my 20s a BF told me about a 3some & some other kinky stuff he did.  I didn't want to know.  All I wanted to know was if he was disease free.  I didn't need those details. 

A buddy of my husband is retired law enforcement.  As a result he has a very jaded view of the world & sees danger around every corner.  I get that his job made him that way & it probably saved his life but I don't want to know.  I literally said to him the other day: "I like my rose colored glasses leave them alone." 

Thank you for your reply, yes I agree about over sharing too. If it was up to me, I’d have just asked for the number, for example, the number of people he’d slept with/dated/kissed and that would have been enough information for me. 
Because of what he told me, I’ve told him about my past in detail too, this is something I probably wouldn’t have done if he’d not told me first. Although I barely have a past to share anyway. 

[AuthenticSelf]

36 minutes ago, RockPanda said:

I want to be able to move past it, but I still haven’t achieved that.

Why do you think you haven't achieved that? 

In another word, how do you know you were able to move past it? 

[RockPanda]

1 minute ago, AuthenticSelf said:

Why do you think you haven't achieved that? 

In another word, how do you know you were able to move past it? 

Because I still bring it up and it upsets the both of us.

[ShySoul]

17 minutes ago, RockPanda said:

Because I still bring it up and it upsets the both of us.

It's a journey, not a lightswitch.

Working through things take time, especially if the issue is as deep seated within you as yours seem to be. There will be hiccups and times things go astray. Just don't give up when that happens. Take a step back and give space to recover and pause. Remember what you have and try to work through it together. Any relationship will have moments like this, and it doesn't have to be a bad thing. It can even bring people closer together.

Just remember: two steps forward for every one back.

9 hours ago, RockPanda said:

Yes I do think we balance each other out quite well. It’s a shame what happened in your situation and I really hope that doesn’t happen to us.

Think you have a pretty good shot. You both sound like you're willing to put in the effort and have a good understanding off the situation. There are always things that will come up and can be worked on, but you're doing a great job so far.

[TeeDee]

33 minutes ago, RockPanda said:

Because I still bring it up and it upsets the both of us.

Stop bringing it up.  

Acknowledge the depth of trust it took to reveal those things.  

Unless faced with evidence otherwise, relegate this to the past & move on.  

[RockPanda]

14 minutes ago, ShySoul said:

It's a journey, not a lightswitch.

Working through things take time, especially if the issue is as deep seated within you as yours seem to be. There will be hiccups and times things go astray. Just don't give up when that happens. Take a step back and give space to recover and pause. Remember what you have and try to work through it together. Any relationship will have moments like this, and it doesn't have to be a bad thing. It can even bring people closer together.

Just remember: two steps forward for every one back.

Think you have a pretty good shot. You both sound like you're willing to put in the effort and have a good understanding off the situation. There are always things that will come up and can be worked on, but you're doing a great job so far.

Yes that’s the mindset I want to focus on, my boyfriend keeps saying to give it time too as we do have lots of happy times together and it has been long distance for the majority of the relationship. 

Thank you, yes I think so too. I’m hoping some counselling might help. We’re both aware that they’ll always be normal relationship issues but we just want to leave this particular one in the past.

[RockPanda]

3 minutes ago, TeeDee said:

Stop bringing it up.  

Acknowledge the depth of trust it took to reveal those things.  

Unless faced with evidence otherwise, relegate this to the past & move on.  

Yes I know, I need to. This is why I think I need some professional help, as I do tend to dwell on things in other areas of life and I’m not the most forgiving person. My boyfriend, on the other hand, is very forgiving and like you say, it took him a lot to trust me to open up and be honest. I’m the only person who knows.

[AuthenticSelf]

3 hours ago, RockPanda said:

Because I still bring it up and it upsets the both of us.

Well, so it upsets both of you when you bring it up. You want to focus on not bringing it up. 

Let's see when it happens then. 

So, can you tell me more about the fact you bring it up? 

That includes

1. When do you normally bring it up or it is coming out of the blue?

2. What conditions make you to bring it up? In another word, what normally happen before you bring it up?

3. What location would you be more likely to bring it up? At a bar, friend house, your boyfriend house, everywhere, etc... 

 

[RockPanda]

37 minutes ago, AuthenticSelf said:

Well, so it upsets both of you when you bring it up. You want to focus on not bringing it up. 

Let's see when it happens then. 

So, can you tell me more about the fact you bring it up? 

That includes

1. When do you normally bring it up or it is coming out of the blue?

2. What conditions make you to bring it up? In another word, what normally happen before you bring it up?

3. What location would you be more likely to bring it up? At a bar, friend house, your boyfriend house, everywhere, etc... 

 

It tends to happen depending on how I’m feeling emotionally (personally I think it could be linked to my menstrual cycle but I don’t know for sure) It seems to be every few weeks, unless something happens in particular that triggers a reminder of something. 
For example, the other day, someone from his past got mentioned in conversation, I think it was me actually who brought it up and then I just spiralled and it caused a disagreement where everything was brought up and it lasted a few days on and off. 
 

I would also say there’s no particular location or condition that causes me to remember these things, it just seems to happen randomly. 

[Batya33]

3 minutes ago, RockPanda said:

It tends to happen depending on how I’m feeling emotionally (personally I think it could be linked to my menstrual cycle but I don’t know for sure) It seems to be every few weeks, unless something happens in particular that triggers a reminder of something. 
For example, the other day, someone from his past got mentioned in conversation, I think it was me actually who brought it up and then I just spiralled and it caused a disagreement where everything was brought up and it lasted a few days on and off. 

Do you think you can share living space with him without acting on temptations to check his devices, etc? Are you able to act in a professional way at work when you have your period? You can feel your feelings and choose not to react by involving him in the way you do.

[RockPanda]

8 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Do you think you can share living space with him without acting on temptations to check his devices, etc? Are you able to act in a professional way at work when you have your period? You can feel your feelings and choose not to react by involving him in the way you do.

Well we basically lived together for the first 6 months and I didn’t. I’ve still never been tempted to, it’s never crossed my mind really as it’s something I wouldn’t be happy with if he secretly accessed my phone. He also shows me very willingly if I do feel uncomfortable about anything.

And yes my period has never affected the way I behave in other situations, I’m very lucky actually as far as my period is concerned. I just wondered if it was linked to my relationship as I’m so regular so I’m able to pick up on which points in my cycle I may be more likely to get upset over something and it does seem to form a bit of a pattern.

[Batya33]

5 minutes ago, RockPanda said:

Well we basically lived together for the first 6 months and I didn’t. I’ve still never been tempted to, it’s never crossed my mind really as it’s something I wouldn’t be happy with if he secretly accessed my phone. He also shows me very willingly if I do feel uncomfortable about anything.

And yes my period has never affected the way I behave in other situations, I’m very lucky actually as far as my period is concerned. I just wondered if it was linked to my relationship as I’m so regular so I’m able to pick up on which points in my cycle I may be more likely to get upset over something and it does seem to form a bit of a pattern.

But who cares really - I was moody during my cycles and very moody/hormonal when I was pregnant.  I also was when we were newlyweds with a newborn in a 550 square foot apartment.  Was I perfect in my behavior? No.  But I did my utmost not to subject my husband to my moods and for sure I felt more irritable from hormones, sleep deprivation, the stress of pregnancy- but all that meant was I had to be aware of that and choose to behave kindly if at all possible.  I mean sure it's interesting to see patterns -but not relevant to why in this particular case you choose to react to your feelings by bringing it up to him over and over.