Opinion of men has been skewed

[RockPanda]

2 minutes ago, Cherylyn said:

If you're set in your ways,  go for it!  Let life teach you lessons along the way. 

Thank you, yes I suppose that’s what life’s about. 
 

I suppose my worry is because of being set in my ways, I’m not very forgiving. Meaning that it’s my own fault and I should forgive my boyfriend for what happened a long time ago. 

[SooSad33]

3 hours ago, RockPanda said:

So at the beginning of our relationship, my boyfriend over shared and told me about his past involvement with other girls. Neither of us have had a serious relationship before each other so everything he told me were about casual things that had happened, for example a one night stand and Friend with benefits. He would also comment on women he found attractive, liked pictures of women on social media (celebrities and people we knew) and still watched porn (he also had pictures and videos saved to his phone) he also told me that in the past he’d used online chat rooms to sext random women and sent them pictures, videos and had live calls with them (This was all before he met me though)

 

How long have you 2 been involved & known each other?

Yes, it is normal for men to be men 😉 .  Happens a lot, they're visual creatures.

Its good if he's now calmed down from a lot of that! Koodo's to him 🙂 .  Shows he's changing and growing up now.  I'd suggest you give him the benefit of the doubt and just enjoy him and what you have with him.  I don't see him as a cheater or anything.

We all have a past and its normal, to a point to be mischeivous, curious, etc. 

So, I feel you just need to give it a little more time and let this build in a healthy manner. My worst challenge was knowing the man I married, over 20 yrs ago was involved with my friend before me 😕 , yah, I was bad at throwing that in his face, with a bit of jealousy.  I wish I didn't have that affect me though.. as I was the one he married... sigh. 

[yogacat]

28 minutes ago, RockPanda said:

You’re welcome, yes so I should be fair to him and say that it was only one person and it was actually only the one date, he’s never been on a date before that. 
 

Also, the women he commented on were people we knew in real life or women from his past. He followed a few random women on social media and liked their pictures. 

His social media likes and comments about people from his past or that he knows in real life that made you uncomfortable, he stopped. If you felt his liking other women on social media or commenting to you about past 'interests' was inappropriate and was "not how he'd treat a girlfriend if he was really into her," it's important to you. 

You are having a gut reaction to his words and/or actions with either who he is and/or who he was once before. He was down to sext random women who hung out via video chats online & coupled this with a past of casual hookups. That is just not cool with you. To others, it's OK and fine. Someone else would not be phased by this behavior at all. 

The things he did in the past pre-you are out of your control.

It's up to us how we interpret what already has transpired, assuming no deliberate dishonesty or cheating, and take what's real and use it for what it's worth. Refrain from molding him into the man you want him to be. You need to focus on the present. The alternative is you can break up with him if you can't accept his past or find a man with less sexual experience.  

[RockPanda]

26 minutes ago, SooSad33 said:

 

How long have you 2 been involved & known each other?

Yes, it is normal for men to be men 😉 .  Happens a lot, they're visual creatures.

Its good if he's now calmed down from a lot of that! Koodo's to him 🙂 .  Shows he's changing and growing up now.  I'd suggest you give him the benefit of the doubt and just enjoy him and what you have with him.  I don't see him as a cheater or anything.

We all have a past and its normal, to a point to be mischeivous, curious, etc. 

So, I feel you just need to give it a little more time and let this build in a healthy manner. My worst challenge was knowing the man I married, over 20 yrs ago was involved with my friend before me 😕 , yah, I was bad at throwing that in his face, with a bit of jealousy.  I wish I didn't have that affect me though.. as I was the one he married... sigh. 

Thank you for your reply! 
So we’ve been together for nearly 3 years. (We got together in December 2021, dated exclusively for all of November 2021 and were friends in October 2021)

 

And thank you for your advice! Yes I’m really hoping over time we’ll be able to get past those things as he did stop doing those things as soon as I explained why they upset me. He also understands my point of view and has actually changed some of his own opinions after we educated ourselves on why they were problematic, as I wasn’t aware about some of it either. 
 

oh yes I can understand why you wouldn’t like that, I’m glad you were able to move past it though 😊

[RockPanda]

30 minutes ago, yogacat said:

His social media likes and comments about people from his past or that he knows in real life that made you uncomfortable, he stopped. If you felt his liking other women on social media or commenting to you about past 'interests' was inappropriate and was "not how he'd treat a girlfriend if he was really into her," it's important to you. 

You are having a gut reaction to his words and/or actions with either who he is and/or who he was once before. He was down to sext random women who hung out via video chats online & coupled this with a past of casual hookups. That is just not cool with you. To others, it's OK and fine. Someone else would not be phased by this behavior at all. 

The things he did in the past pre-you are out of your control.

It's up to us how we interpret what already has transpired, assuming no deliberate dishonesty or cheating, and take what's real and use it for what it's worth. Refrain from molding him into the man you want him to be. You need to focus on the present. The alternative is you can break up with him if you can't accept his past or find a man with less sexual experience.  

Yes I agree with you. It is out of my control what happened in the past and like I say, I don’t believe he did anything to purposely upset or hurt me. 
 

In terms of sexual experience, we are pretty equal, as prior to me, he’d only slept with one other person and the furthest the FWB went was a sex act that happened the once. All the others were kissing in clubs or childhood girlfriends when he was 12/13.

[AuthenticSelf]

2 hours ago, RockPanda said:

Sorry I’m not sure what you mean? Do you mean different in terms of our relationship or my own current situation? 

It is more about your current situation. You may be in relationship or not in relationship. 

Basically, it is about seeing your ideal life in the future and what it is like now. 

Then, the question is what is the differences between your life/relationship in the future vs how it is now. 

Once knowing the gaps, you can work out what needed to be done. 

[RockPanda]

2 minutes ago, AuthenticSelf said:

It is more about your current situation. You may be in relationship or not in relationship. 

Basically, it is about seeing your ideal life in the future and what it is like now. 

Then, the question is what is the differences between your life/relationship in the future vs how it is now. 

Once knowing the gaps, you can work out what needed to be done. 

Ah right, yes I understand what you mean. Yes I agree, it’s a good idea to have goals and dreams to work towards. It may help me to make a decision regarding my relationship too. 
I do think in other areas of my life I tend to dwell on things and overthink them, rather than leaving things in the past. I do worry that’s what is happening here. I’ll lose my relationship because I’m unable to move forward, when in reality, it would have been the best outcome.

[ShySoul]

6 hours ago, RockPanda said:

my boyfriend made a big effort to change his behaviour and he’s stopped doing all of this.

3 hours ago, RockPanda said:

have explained all of this to my boyfriend, that neither of us are at peace and I’m sure he’ll find someone else. He always says he doesn’t want anyone else, he just wants to make everything right with me. He can’t seem to understand that he’d probably be happier without me. 

Everything about this guy indicates that he is devoted to you and wants to be with you. He is willing to uproot his life and follow you so that you can pursue your dreams and goals. He has changed his behavior to cut out things that would make you uncomfortable. He wouldn't be happier with someone else. Those other women didn't make him happy. It was you that made him happy, happy enough to work on bettering himself so he could be with you.

Honestly, there are plenty of men who wouldn't do that. That he is speaks to his feelings for you.

And his past actually sounds rather mild. Sex with one person, and one act with a FWB? That's not much in the scheme of things. Everything else is in the imaginary fantasy zone of the internet. It's not serious or real, and it's not an indication he will do anything in the future.

The past is the past. What counts is the present. And in the present things seem to be going well. So don't overthink it. Take him at his word. He wants to be with you and he is doing his best to show that.

[Batya33]

2 hours ago, RockPanda said:

Thank you, yes I suppose that’s what life’s about. 
 

I suppose my worry is because of being set in my ways, I’m not very forgiving. Meaning that it’s my own fault and I should forgive my boyfriend for what happened a long time ago. 

Those are broad statements.  If you feel you are too rigid/set in your ways you might if that doesn't work for you find tools and resources to take steps towards shifting away from that as a habitual reaction.  But it doesn't mean you have to forgive your boyfriend just because of some notion you have that you are a specific way as a person and can't make a choice to change. I would treat this very specifically and individually.  It might matter it was a long time ago and it might not matter how long ago it was. I don't forgive certain things that happened very long ago -time is irrelevant.  Don't give yourself a pass from looking into exactly what happened and whether your values are consistent with putting it behind you- do that work as you'll likely have to do that similar analysis again in your life-might as well practice it now IMO

[RockPanda]

40 minutes ago, ShySoul said:

Everything about this guy indicates that he is devoted to you and wants to be with you. He is willing to uproot his life and follow you so that you can pursue your dreams and goals. He has changed his behavior to cut out things that would make you uncomfortable. He wouldn't be happier with someone else. Those other women didn't make him happy. It was you that made him happy, happy enough to work on bettering himself so he could be with you.

Honestly, there are plenty of men who wouldn't do that. That he is speaks to his feelings for you.

And his past actually sounds rather mild. Sex with one person, and one act with a FWB? That's not much in the scheme of things. Everything else is in the imaginary fantasy zone of the internet. It's not serious or real, and it's not an indication he will do anything in the future.

The past is the past. What counts is the present. And in the present things seem to be going well. So don't overthing it. Take him at his word. He wants to be with you and he is doing his best to show that.

Thank you for taking the time to respond, I think you’ve summed it up wonderfully! This is literally what my own parents/close family/friends tell me when I’ve explained the situation to them. They all say they can tell how much he thinks of me and how caring he is and to be fair, he’s even more so behind closed doors when it’s just him and I. He really has gone the extra mile to make a difference and I do have to remind myself that he’s also learning how to navigate a relationship as it’s his first one too, he’s also a few years older than me. 
 

I think with the online stuff, I have to remember that it would have been a habit he started as a teenager and has carried on into early adulthood due to being single. Like I say, the cam stuff was before me as he knows that’s cheating and he did say how ashamed he was of doing it. 
 

In terms of the commenting on attractive women, he explained it was something he was used to discussing with friends (most who were women) so he’d made the comments to me very absentmindedly. 
 

Again, I appreciate his honesty and I completely understand that these two explanations are true. I just want to be able to move past it all for my own peace of mind and I would love to have a very happy relationship with him for the foreseeable future. 

[RockPanda]

48 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Those are broad statements.  If you feel you are too rigid/set in your ways you might if that doesn't work for you find tools and resources to take steps towards shifting away from that as a habitual reaction.  But it doesn't mean you have to forgive your boyfriend just because of some notion you have that you are a specific way as a person and can't make a choice to change. I would treat this very specifically and individually.  It might matter it was a long time ago and it might not matter how long ago it was. I don't forgive certain things that happened very long ago -time is irrelevant.  Don't give yourself a pass from looking into exactly what happened and whether your values are consistent with putting it behind you- do that work as you'll likely have to do that similar analysis again in your life-might as well practice it now IMO

Yes I completely agree, I do need to take steps as I think I’ll find it exhausting to go through life struggling with any sort of change. I’m planning to start counselling as I think that may help.

In response to not having to forgive my boyfriend and leaving him instead, maybe discussing our relationship with a counsellor may help, as well as my own opinions around having a boyfriend and my resistance to having one in the first place. 

[AuthenticSelf]

1 hour ago, RockPanda said:

I’ll lose my relationship because I’m unable to move forward, when in reality, it would have been the best outcome.

What is the best outcome for you? 

In another word, how do you know giving up your current relationship is a good choice a year from now?

There are so many people who wants to get back with their exes after the break up because they realized it was not a good decision. 

 

[RockPanda]

1 minute ago, AuthenticSelf said:

What is the best outcome for you? 

In another word, how do you know giving up your current relationship is a good choice a year from now?

There are so many people who wants to get back with their exes after the break up because they realized it was not a good decision. 

 

Well right at this moment in time, I’d love to put the past behind me for good and move forward, having a much healthier relationship overall. At the moment, I don’t believe our current situation is fair for either of us. 
 

Then when this time next year comes, it’ll be up to my boyfriend if he wants to move with me. Like I say, he’s always said he wants to, he’s even discussed this with his parents and although they’ll miss him, they have been very supportive and speak to me about it regularly. 
However, I’ve never put any pressure on him to move and just said it’s something I’d always planned to do. I just don’t think it would be wise of him to move until we fully get over this hurdle of me bringing things up from the past. 

[ShySoul]

29 minutes ago, RockPanda said:

maybe discussing our relationship with a counsellor may help, as well as my own opinions around having a boyfriend and my resistance to having one in the first place. 

Think that is what's driving all of this. Why did you not want to have one at all? Do you think it would take away your freedom? Did you see bad examples that made you think it was a bad idea and that something would go wrong? Is it about your confidence, not thinking someone would like you in that way? And what about him caused you to give it a try anyway?

Not saying any of that applies to you. But if you can figure out what about relationships in general you have an issue with, it may help you figure out how to resolve that and get more comfortable in embracing what you have.

[RockPanda]

5 hours ago, ShySoul said:

Think that is what's driving all of this. Why did you not want to have one at all? Do you think it would take away your freedom? Did you see bad examples that made you think it was a bad idea and that something would go wrong? Is it about your confidence, not thinking someone would like you in that way? And what about him caused you to give it a try anyway?

Not saying any of that applies to you. But if you can figure out what about relationships in general you have an issue with, it may help you figure out how to resolve that and get more comfortable in embracing what you have.

The reason why I didn’t want one was because I was just so set in my ways and determined to do everything my way and not have to compromise on anything.

Also, the reason why I gave it a go with him is because he was the first man interested in me, who I was also attracted to. 
 

Yes I believe you’re on to something there, as I could be in a relationship with someone who’s easily done much worse than my boyfriend but I just seem to let myself get fixated on any sort of problem that may occur in the relationship.

[ShySoul]

Actually makes sense that the two of you are together.

You are the kind to value your freedom and expect things your way. You are driven and have clear goals and plans. He is laid back and not one to challenge people. He seems willing to go with the flow.

Ideally that can balance each other out. He won't try to interfere in what you want, only encouraging you. He might be able to get you to relax at times while you can help push him a little in his life. The key is being able to compromise and bend a little, accepting that being in a relationship means not everything will be your way.

Reminds me of the first person I was romantically involved with. She also didn't want to compromise. She fixated on any kind of an issue and used it as a reason we shouldn't be together. I was the one who stood my ground and said whatever the issue, we could get through it. I reassured her I only wanted her, even when she said I could do better. Unfortunately, she wasn't able to see past the all the anxiety she had and it didn't work out.

I hope you can. You seem more aware of things then she was and want to figure it out. Work on it. Talk to a counselor if you think it will help. Try to keep in mind that you do share something special, and that has got you this far. You broke your no relationship rule for a reason, because this person was worth it. And he thinks you are worth it. 

Best wishes and best of luck.

 

[poorlittlefish]

Your boyfriend has done some seedy and inappropriate things. Even if most of it occurred before you got together, his choices are still part of who he is. If he'd made the sensible decision to keep the stuff he did in the past to himself then you wouldn't be feeling nearly as bad, but he didn't. Choices have consequences and he's drawn you into his. You can't just forget his past; the brain doesn't work like that. The situation is one you didn't ask for and you don't need counselling to try and make you feel comfortable with things that are against your personal values. 

I fear that, no matter what he's done to improve himself, there will always be a nagging worry at the back of your mind that he could go back to some of his past hobbies behind your back. That's on him, but can you live like that? There are many guys out there who won't have done the same things or tell you about them if they have. 

[RockPanda]

1 hour ago, poorlittlefish said:

Your boyfriend has done some seedy and inappropriate things. Even if most of it occurred before you got together, his choices are still part of who he is. If he'd made the sensible decision to keep the stuff he did in the past to himself then you wouldn't be feeling nearly as bad, but he didn't. Choices have consequences and he's drawn you into his. You can't just forget his past; the brain doesn't work like that. The situation is one you didn't ask for and you don't need counselling to try and make you feel comfortable with things that are against your personal values. 

I fear that, no matter what he's done to improve himself, there will always be a nagging worry at the back of your mind that he could go back to some of his past hobbies behind your back. That's on him, but can you live like that? There are many guys out there who won't have done the same things or tell you about them if they have. 

Thanks for your response. Yes I understand what you’re saying. I think the issue I have is that because he was honest with me, can I hold that against him when he thought that would be the best thing to do so that we didn’t have any secrets from  each other. 
Like I’ve already said, he was a teenager when all of this started and I also worry that it is pretty normal in this day and age. I have lots of friends, male and female, who use online dating, where they send videos, pictures and do live calls with people they meet on there, most of the time they don’t end up meeting the person in real life. My boyfriend has never been on online dating and has said he’s never liked the idea of it. I just wonder actually how different what he’s done is to what other people do.

[RockPanda]

3 hours ago, ShySoul said:

Actually makes sense that the two of you are together.

You are the kind to value your freedom and expect things your way. You are driven and have clear goals and plans. He is laid back and not one to challenge people. He seems willing to go with the flow.

Ideally that can balance each other out. He won't try to interfere in what you want, only encouraging you. He might be able to get you to relax at times while you can help push him a little in his life. The key is being able to compromise and bend a little, accepting that being in a relationship means not everything will be your way.

Reminds me of the first person I was romantically involved with. She also didn't want to compromise. She fixated on any kind of an issue and used it as a reason we shouldn't be together. I was the one who stood my ground and said whatever the issue, we could get through it. I reassured her I only wanted her, even when she said I could do better. Unfortunately, she wasn't able to see past the all the anxiety she had and it didn't work out.

I hope you can. You seem more aware of things then she was and want to figure it out. Work on it. Talk to a counselor if you think it will help. Try to keep in mind that you do share something special, and that has got you this far. You broke your no relationship rule for a reason, because this person was worth it. And he thinks you are worth it. 

Best wishes and best of luck.

 

Thank you! Yes I do think we balance each other out quite well. It’s a shame what happened in your situation and I really hope that doesn’t happen to us.

Take care and thank you once again for all of your advice! 😊

[Panlees]

Understand your confusion. It's important that your boyfriend is aware of past behavior and making changes. You can increase trust by communicating and setting boundaries. If emotions are difficult to deal with, consider seeking professional help. In the meantime, try to boost your confidence and focus on the present and future. Love takes work on both sides, and make an effort to communicate and understand to overcome difficulties together.

[Kwothe28]

I think you need to separate two things

1) Even though he changed his behavior doesnt mean he did change. He behaves better toward you and doesnt mentions it. But he maybe is still doing stuff you mentioned.

2) Even though he maybe changed, doesnt mean you are ready to forgive him. Some wounds tend to cut deep.

You are right, there is no guarantee you will not project this on some other man if you break up with boyfriend. But you need to understand that some things can just make you uncomfortable on its own. Commenting on other women is not really something you should tolerate on this man or some other one. I have a friend that has a boyfriend that she lives with. Anyway, he is rude to the point he really does comment on other women in town when he is with my friend. But she tolerates him because he is rich and takes care of her. What I am trying to say is, maybe its something you shouldnt be tolerating anyway. On the other hand, you could try therapy and/or to just forgive him. Just dont think its necessary. As others have said, trust is already gone. That is about it.

[RockPanda]

37 minutes ago, Panlees said:

Understand your confusion. It's important that your boyfriend is aware of past behavior and making changes. You can increase trust by communicating and setting boundaries. If emotions are difficult to deal with, consider seeking professional help. In the meantime, try to boost your confidence and focus on the present and future. Love takes work on both sides, and make an effort to communicate and understand to overcome difficulties together.

Thank you, yes he is very aware of what he did was wrong and that’s why he stopped doing it. He was clearly very upset about the things he’d done before we were even together so that was reassuring for me as it was obviously something he regretted doing. 
 

I am looking into counselling as I think it would be helpful for myself as I think no matter what happens with my boyfriend in the future, I’ll still need some professional help before embarking on any new relationships with anyone else, as like I’ve already said, I’m not bothered about having another boyfriend anyway.

[RockPanda]

41 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

I think you need to separate two things

1) Even though he changed his behavior doesnt mean he did change. He behaves better toward you and doesnt mentions it. But he maybe is still doing stuff you mentioned.

2) Even though he maybe changed, doesnt mean you are ready to forgive him. Some wounds tend to cut deep.

You are right, there is no guarantee you will not project this on some other man if you break up with boyfriend. But you need to understand that some things can just make you uncomfortable on its own. Commenting on other women is not really something you should tolerate on this man or some other one. I have a friend that has a boyfriend that she lives with. Anyway, he is rude to the point he really does comment on other women in town when he is with my friend. But she tolerates him because he is rich and takes care of her. What I am trying to say is, maybe its something you shouldnt be tolerating anyway. On the other hand, you could try therapy and/or to just forgive him. Just dont think its necessary. As others have said, trust is already gone. That is about it.

Thanks for your reply, in terms of trusting him and the way he behaved when we had conversations surrounding what he had done, I’d like to believe he’d never do those things again that he did while we were together and obviously the things he did before me, he’d never do in a relationship as that would be cheating. 
For example, if I’d discovered he’d done the chat rooms/cam stuff while he’d been with me then I would have left him as he would have cheated on me. 

[Batya33]

2 hours ago, RockPanda said:

Yes I understand what you’re saying. I think the issue I have is that because he was honest with me, can I hold that against him when he thought that would be the best thing to do so that we didn’t have any secrets from  each other. 

Read the lyrics to Carly Simon we have no secrets -was he being honest -or oversharing -or wanting to unburden himself of guilt by telling you all this stuff?

I've known my husband a total of 20 plus years over a period of 30 years.  Married 15 years. I do not know of all of his sexual partners but have the strong sense they only are his exes who I do know of.  He does not know of mine -but same general sense given our compatible values.  We've never asked.  What's the point? (look at those song lyrics -I agree with that notion).  I do not know if he has ever watched porn alone and vice versa -we did together for laughs many years ago.  Not our thing.  I don't monitor what he does online or elsewhere and vice versa.  I trust him and he trusts me.  We got back together after almost 8 years apart -we had serious relationships while apart and our discussions of those have been limited and very contextual/relevant since we are both in some sort of touch with certain exes.  

I think married couples are entitled if they wish to personal private space and lives.  I don't tell him everything at all - and anyway it's not in the marriage vows nor would I have promised that to him as his wife.  And same on his end.  We promise to be faithful and loyal so no secrets relevant to those commitments.  Trust also means not prying into the other person's private space.

I don't ask him who he was on the phone with unless it's relevant (like if I think our son called from school or I hear a serious tone and I am worried), I don't ask him who he is texting or e-mailing with again unless it's relevant and if it is it's a limited -respectful -inquiry.

He would be mad at me if in the name of honesty I shared details of a prior sexual experience with him - he'd assume it wasn't to be honest but somehow for my own self absorbed reasons.  He'd be right if I did something like that -and I don't for those reasons -no desire to.  No your bf doesn't get an automatic cut slack/pass for being "honest" -it depends IMO.

Absolutely if you want a let it all hang out romantic relationship where you have no secrets/no private space who am I to judge if that works for you.  I think in this situation you're grappling with this "should forgive because he was so "honest"" stuff.

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, RockPanda said:

Thank you, yes he is very aware of what he did was wrong and that’s why he stopped doing it. He was clearly very upset about the things he’d done before we were even together so that was reassuring for me as it was obviously something he regretted doing. 
 

I am looking into counselling as I think it would be helpful for myself as I think no matter what happens with my boyfriend in the future, I’ll still need some professional help before embarking on any new relationships with anyone else, as like I’ve already said, I’m not bothered about having another boyfriend anyway.

Great idea.  I relocated 800 miles for my husband after we married and had our son.  Would your bf be able to  find work where you want to relocate?