Opinion of men has been skewed

[RockPanda]

So at the beginning of our relationship, my boyfriend over shared and told me about his past involvement with other girls. Neither of us have had a serious relationship before each other so everything he told me were about casual things that had happened, for example a one night stand and Friend with benefits. He would also comment on women he found attractive, liked pictures of women on social media (celebrities and people we knew) and still watched porn (he also had pictures and videos saved to his phone) he also told me that in the past he’d used online chat rooms to sext random women and sent them pictures, videos and had live calls with them (This was all before he met me though)

 

So, after this all came to light, my boyfriend made a big effort to change his behaviour and he’s stopped doing all of this. However, I’m struggling to move past it all. I get anxious if something that looks dodgy appears on his phone or if we see a woman in public that looks like someone he’s commented on in the past.

 

To throw another spanner in the works, my boyfriend has Tourette’s. It’s a non-verbal form of it but one of his main tics in turning his head. This also gets worse when in public so I can’t work out if he’s actively staring at other women in public or whether it’s his tics as he does tend to look at nearly everyone we pass or will look multiple times if we’re sat in a restaurant or on a train. 

Of course I know that everyone notices other attractive people, I’m sure I do too. However, because of my anxiety from the things he’s done in the past, it’s made me so much more hyper vigilant when I’m with him.

 

I also worry that my own view of men has been skewed, due to the way my boyfriend behaved at the beginning of our relationship and because of things like social media, that tells women if men do any of the above things (that my boyfriend used to do) then it makes them a terrible human being and they don’t deserve to be in a relationship. 

 

I do think this has now become a me problem, as my boyfriend has gone to great lengths to change his actions and he no longer does any of the above things that he used to do (the Web Cam stuff was before we were even together so that’s none of my business really, it’s just not something I like.)

 

I think my opinion of men has changed and it’s not fair to my boyfriend for me to keep bringing things up when he stopped doing it all as soon as I told him I was uncomfortable with it. He’s also a very loving boyfriend and always tells me how much he loves me and this is backed up through the things he does to support me in every day life. It’s now at the stage where he gets upset and cries when I bring certain things up as he never realised that his actions would have caused me so much pain. I would like some advice please on how I can forget about it all as I think even if we were to split up, I’d have the same problems with any man I dated in the future so it’s an individual thing I need to tackle myself.

[Batya33]

I don't think he is a terrible human being -who would ever say that? He's simply not a good match for you.  Sometimes we can get past that sort of stuff and sometimes we cannot.  You still don't trust him.  You walk on eggshells.  No point in dating someone in that situation and he might very well be a good person and a good match for someone else but not for you.

[RockPanda]

Just now, Batya33 said:

I don't think he is a terrible human being -who would ever say that? He's simply not a good match for you.  Sometimes we can get past that sort of stuff and sometimes we cannot.  You still don't trust him.  You walk on eggshells.  No point in dating someone in that situation and he might very well be a good person and a good match for someone else but not for you.

Yes that’s very true, thank you for responding. I don’t think he’s a terrible person either, I just meant men like him get referred to as that on social media, like  on Instagram reels etc. 

I have brought up the idea of us splitting up many times, but it’s him who wants to work through it and he’s said he wants to stay with me no matter what and we can work through this issue together. 

[yogacat]

13 minutes ago, RockPanda said:

He would also comment on women he found attractive, liked pictures of women on social media (celebrities and people we knew) and still watched porn (he also had pictures and videos saved to his phone) he also told me that in the past he’d used online chat rooms to sext random women and sent them pictures, videos and had live calls with them (This was all before he met me though)

So, after this all came to light, my boyfriend made a big effort to change his behaviour and he’s stopped doing all of this.

It's not clear from your post but did he do some of the things you mentioned while you were together or just before you 2 met?

If it was before the two of you two met, then yes it isn't your business.
If it was during your relationship with him, then it IS your business.

Also, it seems like every time an innocent site shows up on his phone, or he looks at a girl, it causes anxiety.

I'm not dismissing your feelings, but this is NOT healthy for either of you. Because essentially, you are policing him.

However, I can't blame you for feeling the way you do about it.

He did all he could. He changed his behavior to make you comfortable. And still, you are uncomfortable.

That is about your trust.

You will either learn to trust him, or the relationship will fall apart.

[Seraphim]

If there is no trust there is no relationship. 

[Batya33]

3 minutes ago, RockPanda said:

Yes that’s very true, thank you for responding. I don’t think he’s a terrible person either, I just meant men like him get referred to as that on social media, like  on Instagram reels etc. 

I have brought up the idea of us splitting up many times, but it’s him who wants to work through it and he’s said he wants to stay with me no matter what and we can work through this issue together. 

Why in the world are you at all focused on what strangers say about men on social media?

You don't bring up an idea then tell yourself you're staying because he wants you to.  You decide on your own what your values and boundaries are and you decide for yourself what to do - it's your choice.  Not his.

[RockPanda]

Just now, yogacat said:

It's not clear from your post but did he do some of the things you mentioned while you were together or just before you 2 met?

If it was before the two of you two met, then yes it isn't your business.
If it was during your relationship with him, then it IS your business.

Also, it seems like every time an innocent site shows up on his phone, or he looks at a girl, it causes anxiety.

I'm not dismissing your feelings, but this is NOT healthy for either of you. Because essentially, you are policing him.

However, I can't blame you for feeling the way you do about it.

He did all he could. He changed his behavior to make you comfortable. And still, you are uncomfortable.

That is about your trust.

You will either learn to trust him, or the relationship will fall apart.

Thanks for your response. So the web cam stuff was from before we met but watching porn, liking other people’s photos/following accounts and commenting on people happened while we were together. 
 

And yes, I also realise this is extremely unhealthy in a relationship and I’ve told him this myself. 
I am planning to book myself in for counselling to help.

[RockPanda]

1 minute ago, Batya33 said:

Why in the world are you at all focused on what strangers say about men on social media?

You don't bring up an idea then tell yourself you're staying because he wants you to.  You decide on your own what your values and boundaries are and you decide for yourself what to do - it's your choice.  Not his.

Yes I agree, I think it’s more because he hasn’t cheated or done anything majorly wrong. He’s also my first boyfriend so I wonder if that sways my decision making too? 
 

And yes the social media is silly, I shouldn’t listen to that.

[yogacat]

10 minutes ago, RockPanda said:

Thanks for your response. So the web cam stuff was from before we met but watching porn, liking other people’s photos/following accounts and commenting on people happened while we were together. 
 

And yes, I also realise this is extremely unhealthy in a relationship and I’ve told him this myself. 
I am planning to book myself in for counselling to help.

You're not crazy for disliking commenting on women's social media that he found attractive while in a relationship. But could they have been harmless comments? Or was he specifically saying something about wanting them? Because if it's the latter, I'm sorry - that's enough to break up with someone.

[RockPanda]

2 minutes ago, yogacat said:

You're not crazy for disliking commenting on women's social media that he found attractive while in a relationship. But could they have been harmless comments? Or was he specifically saying something about wanting them? Because if it's the latter, I'm sorry - that's enough to break up with someone.

Oh sorry, I wasn’t very clear. I meant commenting on people’s appearance to me. He’s never left a comment on someone’s social media, just liked their picture.

and no, he’s never said he wanted them, as in wanted to be with them, just commented on their attractiveness or their body.

[Cherylyn]

Both of your lifestyles and preferences are on opposites of the spectrum.  Porn,  his comments regarding other women,  his past relationships and Tourette's all bother you so don't be with him anymore.  Sounds like both of you are incompatible.  I wouldn't like your boyfriend's habits either and his health?  He has no control over his Tourette's. 

There's something about your boyfriend whom I wouldn't trust.  Unless I can trust a person intuitively and based upon their track record,  no amount of love can override distrust and suspicion no matter how hard I try to forget deep seeded distrust.  😒Without trust,  the relationship is dead in the water.

Both of you were not meant for each other long term.  At this rate,  the relationship is not sustainable.

I could see why your opinion of all men are skewed.  I've heard numerous true to life stories from resentful,  embittered women whether currently married,  widowed or divorced.  They often tell me that men are two-faced;  one for socializing where they're amiable and appealing and another face as a cruel husband behind closed doors in many ways.  I don't think all men are this way though.  However,  unfortunately,  it's the bad apples which ruin the image of men for everybody.  ☹️ 

I will say though that finding "a catch" is like finding a needle in a haystack.  A great man is rare so if you find him,  hold onto him for dear life and never let a good one get away.  Some women say all the good ones are taken early and there may be some truth to that for some women.  I think I did fine snatching up my husband during his early 20's.  😋 👍

Be very picky and choosy because it pays off in the long run. 

 

[RockPanda]

13 minutes ago, Cherylyn said:

Both of your lifestyles and preferences are on opposites of the spectrum.  Porn,  his comments regarding other women,  his past relationships and Tourette's all bother you so don't be with him anymore.  Sounds like both of you are incompatible.  I wouldn't like your boyfriend's habits either and his health?  He has no control over his Tourette's. 

There's something about your boyfriend whom I wouldn't trust.  Unless I can trust a person intuitively and based upon their track record,  no amount of love can override distrust and suspicion no matter how hard I try to forget deep seeded distrust.  Without trust,  the relationship is dead in the water.

Both of you were not meant for each other for long term.  At this rate,  the relationship is not sustainable.

Thank you for your response, in terms of his Tourette’s, I have never been bothered by it. I only mentioned it in referenced to wondering if he’s actually eyeing up other women, rather than it being his Tourette’s. I know he is very self conscious of his Tourette’s so I always make sure to make him feel good about himself and say it’s not very noticeable. 
 

And in reference to the lack of trust, it’s a weird one, as I’ve always told him to leave me if he’d rather be with someone else so I think it’s more the fear of feeling like I’m wasting my time with him rather than the fear of him leaving me for someone else. 
 

As for what you said about being able to find a decent man, that’s the bit that I struggle with and the reason why we haven’t split up already. Apart from the things that happened at the beginning of the relationship, everything else is fantastic. If I was able to move on from what he did, it would be much better. 

[Cherylyn]

2 minutes ago, RockPanda said:

Thank you for your response, in terms of his Tourette’s, I have never been bothered by it. I only mentioned it in referenced to wondering if he’s actually eyeing up other women, rather than it being his Tourette’s. I know he is very self conscious of his Tourette’s so I always make sure to make him feel good about himself and say it’s not very noticeable. 
 

and in reference to the lack of trust, it’s a weird one, as I’ve always told him to leave me if he’d rather be with someone else so I think it’s more the fear of feeling like I’m wasting my time rather than the fear of him leaving me for someone else. 

He doesn't sound like your dream guy.  You can do better.  Never settle for subpar men.  You won't be happy long term.  A man with too many doubts in your brain will not give you an enduring, fully content relationship.  He has too many red flags.

[RockPanda]

1 minute ago, Cherylyn said:

He doesn't sound like your dream guy.  You can do better.  Never settle for subpar men.  You won't be happy long term.  A man with too many doubts in your brain will not give you an enduring, fully content relationship.  He has too many red flags.

Yes I understand and I agree with you. So would you say even if a man works on himself and changes for you, he still has red flags and can’t be trusted? 
 

without going into too much detail, our future plans align perfectly and he’s the one who’s made all the sacrifices so we can be together, in terms of life plans and living situation. Again, I’m not sure I’d meet someone like that again. 
 

I don’t want to sound too biased but I should probably add that the majority of things he did before me happened when he was a teenager (from 14 upwards so still a child too.) 

[smackie9]

When it's this rocky and emotionally messed up for the both of you...it's time to throw in the towel. You will not find peace in this relationship. I can see if you were married for years and this was a new issue threatening your marriage...but you haven't been together for long...take it from an old lady that has been through it all and then some. It's not worth the little bit of kindness you have received from him...there is way better to be deserved in a relationship that is distended for the long haul.

[AuthenticSelf]

If you go to the future, maybe 1 year from now when this problem is solve, what do you see?

Anything you would advice yourself to make it happen?

[Cherylyn]

 

7 minutes ago, RockPanda said:

Yes I understand and I agree with you. So would you say even if a man works on himself and changes for you, he still has red flags and can’t be trusted? 
 

without going into too much detail, our future plans align perfectly and he’s the one who’s made all the sacrifices so we can be together, in terms of life plans and living situation. Again, I’m not sure I’d meet someone like that again. 
 

I don’t want to sound too biased but I should probably add that the majority of things he did before me happened when he was a teenager (from 14 upwards so still a child too.) 

I doubt it.  You're banking on wishful thinking.  Naivete doesn't pay. 

I think you're wasting your youth,  time and energy on him. 

It's better to be alone than be with a man who is a project.  It's also better to be pickier and choosier in the future because it will pay off for you in the long run.  You'd better shop around.

[RockPanda]

4 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

When it's this rocky and emotionally messed up for the both of you...it's time to throw in the towel. You will not find peace in this relationship. I can see if you were married for years and this was a new issue threatening your marriage...but you haven't been together for long...take it from an old lady that has been through it all and then some. It's not worth the little bit of kindness you have received from him...there is way better to be deserved in a relationship that is distended for the long haul.

Thank you for your advice, yes I completely understand where you’re coming from. I have explained all of this to my boyfriend, that neither of us are at peace and I’m sure he’ll find someone else. He always says he doesn’t want anyone else, he just wants to make everything right with me. He can’t seem to understand that he’d probably be happier without me. 
As for me, I’d probably never bother with someone again unless the perfect man showed up on my doorstep 😂 I never actually wanted a boyfriend and I actively went out of my way to avoid having one so sometimes I wonder if I just look for problems so my boyfriend will leave me.

[RockPanda]

6 minutes ago, AuthenticSelf said:

If you go to the future, maybe 1 year from now when this problem is solve, what do you see?

Anything you would advice yourself to make it happen?

Well I’ve already got that all planned, my boyfriend said he’s happy to just fall in with my plans. I’m leaving my current job, hoping to move to the other side of the country and do a masters, then settle there with him.

This is my own plan which I’ve wanted to do for the last 10 years, it’s not just a spur of the moment idea. It’s something I explained to him before we became a couple so he’s always had the chance to leave if he didn’t want to come. 

[AuthenticSelf]

OK, got that all planned, your boyfriend is happy to just fall with your plan(assume you have a plan now, can't wait to hear about it)

 

So, what is the difference between now and the future moment?

[RockPanda]

5 minutes ago, Cherylyn said:

 

I doubt it.  You're banking on wishful thinking.  Naivete doesn't pay. 

I think you're wasting your youth,  time and energy on him. 

It's better to be alone than be with a man who is a project.  It's also better to be pickier and choosier in the future because it will pay off for you in the long run.  You'd better shop around.

Yes I understand what you’re saying, I’ve just replied to another poster with a similar response but basically I’m very set in my ways, I’ve had my life mapped out since I was a child and a man doesn’t fit into it if I’m honest. I’ve always been determined not to have a boyfriend. Basically, my plan is to leave my current job, move to the other side of the country and do a masters before settling there. My boyfriend knew about all this from the start. He’s always said he wants to come with me so I guess I’ll see what happens this time next year. He’s welcome to come with me but I won’t worry if he changes his mind. 

[RockPanda]

4 minutes ago, AuthenticSelf said:

OK, got that all planned, your boyfriend is happy to just fall with your plan(assume you have a plan now, can't wait to hear about it)

 

So, what is the difference between now and the future moment?

Sorry I’m not sure what you mean? Do you mean different in terms of our relationship or my own current situation? 
 

Basically what I’m trying to say is, I don’t think it’s fair that my boyfriend moves with me until we’ve put everything from the past behind us for good. 

[yogacat]

1 hour ago, RockPanda said:

Oh sorry, I wasn’t very clear. I meant commenting on people’s appearance to me. He’s never left a comment on someone’s social media, just liked their picture.

and no, he’s never said he wanted them, as in wanted to be with them, just commented on their attractiveness or their body.

Thank you for providing that extra context.

Something doesn't jive with me.

He went from being a casual dater to being devoted in a relationship with little steps in between. Sure, he stopped the "on-the-edge" actions and made room for more loving in your relationship, but he went from total independency of his sex drives to exclusive feelings for you disregarding his sex drives (e.g. porn) or watching women.

While he was with you he was looking up random women on social media and declared their beauty and hotness to you? That just causes you to compare those women and implants them into YOUR mind for anxiety to keep more vigilance on.

Whatever his answer, we know there's no ~ fix it ~ and objectively, the only reason is that it's your call. 

[RockPanda]

2 minutes ago, yogacat said:

Thank you for providing that extra context.

Something doesn't jive with me.

He went from being a casual dater to being devoted in a relationship with little steps in between. Sure, he stopped the "on-the-edge" actions and made room for more loving in your relationship, but he went from total independency of his sex drives to exclusive feelings for you disregarding his sex drives (e.g. porn) or watching women.

While he was with you he was looking up random women on social media and declared their beauty and hotness to you? That just causes you to compare those women and implants them into YOUR mind for anxiety to keep more vigilance on.

Whatever his answer, we know there's no ~ fix it ~ and objectively, the only reason is that it's your call. 

You’re welcome, yes so I should be fair to him and say that it was only one person and it was actually only the one date, he’s never been on a date before that. 
 

Also, the women he commented on were people we knew in real life or women from his past. He followed a few random women on social media and liked their pictures. 

[Cherylyn]

37 minutes ago, RockPanda said:

Yes I understand what you’re saying, I’ve just replied to another poster with a similar response but basically I’m very set in my ways, I’ve had my life mapped out since I was a child and a man doesn’t fit into it if I’m honest. I’ve always been determined not to have a boyfriend. Basically, my plan is to leave my current job, move to the other side of the country and do a masters before settling there. My boyfriend knew about all this from the start. He’s always said he wants to come with me so I guess I’ll see what happens this time next year. He’s welcome to come with me but I won’t worry if he changes his mind. 

If you're set in your ways,  go for it!  Let life teach you lessons along the way.