How to move on after I ended a 2 year affair?

[Art_demure]

2 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

But this is not necessarily healthy when you are an adult. Why do you want to be a little girl again? 

I just do not want to take things seriously all the time. If I have a problem, I will just keep my head up and be carefree. 

I know that as a woman I experience hormonal changes. I will experience changes in my body. 

I just don't want to remain negative and come across like that around others. Being a little girl is just free and I do not have to care about what others think of me all the time. It is an escape from pressure and anxiety.

It got me out of depression in a way. If a man brings my inner child, then he is special in my life I would say. Because he had the time to take care of how I feel. 

[MissCanuck]

1 minute ago, Art_demure said:

Being a little girl is just free and I do not have to care about what others think of me all the time.

Honestly, this is also what maturing into adulthood feels like. 

Once you get to a place where you feel secure in yourself and your life, you won't care what others think of you all the time. It seems you're trying to regress and escape emotionally into your childhood, because adulthood hasn't been easy for you (as it isn't for many)

This man seems to have represented an escape hatch for you, but it's not sustaintable in te long-run. It wasn't healthy for you to be with him, as you know. It wasn't a viable prospect for a real relationship. 

[Batya33]

3 hours ago, Art_demure said:

If a man brings my inner child, then he is special in my life I would say. Because he had the time to take care of how I feel. 

How would that inner child feel if you took up with a man who cheated on his wife and then cheated on you? Would you feel good about  yourself let alone your inner child? If he cared about you and how you feel then he would have divorced his wife, took time to make sure he was ready to be with someone again and then dated you properly. He cared about himself and he acted in a childlike way -little children often are not blamed for not keeping commitments because  they didn't mean it/didn't know better -he knew better and he selfishly cheated on his wife and selfishly pursued you in an inapppropriate way.

You can be an adult and as an adult work on what triggers you to care too much about what others think of you. I had to especially because I made non-traditional choices when it came to timing of marriage and kids, because I had to manage employees in my career who I found very challenging so obviously I didn't get their approval and often they didn't like having to work late or on weekends. You can decide to look at social media or certain social media a lot less if that triggers caring too much.

You don't have to have intercourse with someone else's husband to reach that goal -doing something that is unhealthy for you to get something that you think is healthier - regressing to being a little girl - doesn't make a lot of sense -does it? 

[Art_demure]

1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

You can be an adult and as an adult work on what triggers you to care too much about what others think of you.

I have improved not to care about anyone's judgements or opinions anymore. Especially to strangers. For example if my neighbours judge me for my actions and gossip about me. Well, that is their problem and I don't care so much about putting an image either. I do care about other people's feelings and I am sensitive. Even if I am not perfect, of course.

[Art_demure]

2 hours ago, Batya33 said:

You don't have to have intercourse with someone else's husband to reach that goal -doing something that is unhealthy for you to get something that you think is healthier - regressing to being a little girl - doesn't make a lot of sense -does it? 

It doesn't have to make sense. I can't help it. My emotions always gets in the way. He really did make a huge impact in my life. Maybe he was selfish. But he accepts me. He sharpened my awareness with the way I dress and my natural look. 

He prefers my natural look whereas other guys pressured me and compared me to other girls or women my age. 

Small things like he loved my long hair when he gets to brush it since it reaches to my hips. However my other ex never liked it when I pulled it down. That was his preferance. So I am myself around him. Like I am comfortable like a little girl

[rainbowsandroses]

On 9/1/2024 at 5:53 AM, Art_demure said:

has been 9 months after I ended the affair (it was mostly emotional)

We did kiss, hug, etc. But that was it.

So as far as physically, there was was no actual sex?  Just kissing and hugging?

JMO but from your posts, it sounds like he was very good to you in many ways, he was there for you emotionally, he elicited loving feelings in you, made you feel special, like a "little girl" (so to speak - his masculine to your feminine) which can be a very powerful draw for some people.  I can relate to that myself.

And thus, you fell in love with him.  

I see no point in attempting to talk yourself out of your feelings, trying to convince yourself he was a creep, whatever. 

He added value to your life despite his marital status, and he obviously wasn't "using" you as some sort of a side sexual toy as by your own admission there was no sex!

It was an emotional affair which are not uncommon and doesn't make anyone a creep or a bad person. It makes you both human imo.

And despite being married, you may have filled a void in his life as well.

I think you did the right thing by ending it, you displayed high character by doing so as you didn't wish to be a homewrecker (your words paraphrasing) as well as taking care of your own needs as well! 

As far as "moving on" goes, it sounds to me like you have moved on meaning you're living your life, spending time with friends, volunteering etc which is great and what you should be doing! 

But those pesky "feelings," you can't quite let go of.

My advice is you don't have to!

Love him from a distance as you have been doing and continue living your life. 

My experience but when you try to logic your way out of your feelings, you only succeed in burying them temporarily, they're still there lingering inside.  And may cause issues when you enter into your next relationship.

The only healer here is time.  Be patient with yourself and give yourself time.  

In the meantime, you can learn to "manage" your feelings in a healthy way by not obsessing which includes endlessly talking about him with anyone, which keep the feelings alive and hinders your ability to let go. 

And again continue living your life, including meeting and dating other men.

Eventually thoughts of him will lessen, along with the feelings although he may always have a place in your heart on some level which is OK.

Again speaking from my own experience, ultimately it's up to you.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Art_demure]

41 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

JMO but from your posts, it sounds like he was very good to you in many ways, he was there for you emotionally, he elicited loving feelings in you, made you feel special, like a "little girl" (so to speak) and you fell in love with him.  

Yes he stole my heart basically. 

 

42 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

using" you as some sort of a side sexual toy as by your own admission there was no sex!

He told me that he would never touch me. Though I highly doubt it if we were alone together in a room. There's no way I would be able to handle my temptations. But yes, it was mostly emotional.

 

44 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Love him from a distance as you have been doing and continue living your

I guess I just have to accept the feelings. I really do fell deeply in love with him. It isn't just hormonal and goody feelings only. I know that he has his own demons and I still respect and admire him. I told him that I wanted to forget him and he got upset about it. But I said it's hard for me to forget. So I will always love him from afar. 

I still kept his videos and pictures with me when he took me out on adventure. But I know I cannot keep them forever if I am with someone else.

[rainbowsandroses]

1 minute ago, Art_demure said:

I guess I just have to accept the feelings.

Yes accept your feelings, while at the same time learning to manage them in a healthy way so they don't negatively impact your life OR your ability to love again which you WILL.

That's really all you can do, cherish the memories and let go. 

With a two year relationship, it's gonna take time, again be patient with yourself.

Once you truly accept, I think it will be easier to let go.  

Acceptance is key. 

 

[Batya33]

2 hours ago, Art_demure said:

It doesn't have to make sense. I can't help it. My emotions always gets in the way. He really did make a huge impact in my life. Maybe he was selfish. But he accepts me. He sharpened my awareness with the way I dress and my natural look. 

He prefers my natural look whereas other guys pressured me and compared me to other girls or women my age. 

Small things like he loved my long hair when he gets to brush it since it reaches to my hips. However my other ex never liked it when I pulled it down. That was his preferance. So I am myself around him. Like I am comfortable like a little girl

You feel what you feel and you choose how to react. He chose to react to his sexual attraction to you by cheatng on his wife.  

It's easy for him to flatter you he knows he cannot lead  you on as he is married. Married men cannot date.

You met some individual guys who acted like jerks.  So you put in the effort to be in places and be involved with activities where you have a higher likelihood of meeting likeminded people who treat people with respect and kindness.  

[rainbowsandroses]

50 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

He chose to react to his sexual attraction to you by cheatng on his wife.  

^^He didn't though - react to his sexual attraction.

In two years, OP admitted he never even tried to "go there" with her.  Sexually.

It was emotional (sounds like for both) and not saying it was right, it wasn't!

But to say he acted on his sexual attraction (by cheating) when there was no sex, nor did he ever push for sex, is an inaccurate assessment IMO.

 

 

 

 

 

[MissCanuck]

3 hours ago, Art_demure said:

So I am myself around him. Like I am comfortable like a little girl

Have you got friends you own age, OP?

I ask because you seem to be very drawn to the idea of being a little kid again (emotionaly) It makes me wonder if you feel accepted as an adult by your peers, and I don't mean exes - even just friends in your age group. 

What's your social life like? 

[Art_demure]

3 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

Have you got friends you own age, OP?

I ask because you seem to be very drawn to the idea of being a little kid again (emotionaly) It makes me wonder if you feel accepted as an adult by your peers, and I don't mean exes - even just friends in your age group. 

What's your social life like? 

I make friends from all ages. I make friends from people a year younger than me or older until in their 50s. I do get along well with mothers. So gen x. I am gen z. Mostly my friends are also my age group so around 20s or 20+. 

[rainbowsandroses]

A very popular psychologist, Dr. Judith Sills, discussed in her book "A Fine Romance" (and other books) masculine/feminine polarity, and the notion of a man making a woman feel like a "little girl" and in turn her making him feel like a "strong masculine man."

"Little girl" is not to be taken literally.

I've heard many couples describe the same feeling - feeling like two little kids again!

I can certainly relate. 

Just my take, but this is how the OP meant it imo. 

 

[MissCanuck]

 

5 minutes ago, Art_demure said:

Mostly my friends are also my age group so around 20s or 20+. 

Do you not feel you can comfortably be yourself around them? 

What is your relationship with your own parents like? 

Again, I am just curious where this attraction to feeling like a chlid comes from. You've mentioned it enough times in relation to this man that it's worth exploring. 

[MissCanuck]

2 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

've heard many couples describe the same feeling - feeling like two little kids again!

Yes, of course. That's common. 

But I don't get the sense from OP's posts that is what she is refering to, hence my questions. 

2 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

"Little girl" is not to be taken literally.

I know, nor am I taking it as such.

[Art_demure]

9 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

 

Do you not feel you can comfortably be yourself around them? 

What is your relationship with your own parents like? 

Again, I am just curious where this attraction to feeling like a chlid comes from. You've mentioned it enough times in relation to this man that it's worth exploring. 

Yeah with the ones I am close with, I can be comfortable around them. Even the ones that I can't relate with sometimes. For example if she loves to party a lot. I don't mind making friends with people like her, but I won't necessarily relate to her lifestyle. This is why I go for befriending older women as they are relatable surprisingly for me. 

As for my parents, they are fine. There were times when I wasn't loved in the household and I was being neglected when I was sick growing up. I kind of understand because they were busy. Fought a lot with mom but was closer with her as she is my mom.

[rainbowsandroses]

7 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

But I don't get the sense from OP's posts that is what she is refering to, hence my questions. 

Fair enough, I get a different sense from her posts but will leave her to respond to your questions. 

[Batya33]

5 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

^^He didn't though - react to his sexual attraction.

In two years, OP admitted he never even tried to "go there" with her.  Sexually.

It was emotional (sounds like for both) and not saying it was right, it wasn't!

But to say he acted on his sexual attraction (by cheating) when there was no sex, nor did he ever push for sex, is an inaccurate assessment IMO.

 

 

 

 

 

To me kissing is being sexual and to me personally a romantic kiss is cheating despite not being actual adultery which I suppose requires intercourse.  Luckily I've never had to check up on that. Thanks for sharing your opinion.

[Art_demure]

On 9/7/2024 at 9:20 PM, Art_demure said:

Yeah with the ones I am close with, I can be comfortable around them. Even the ones that I can't relate with sometimes. For example if she loves to party a lot. I don't mind making friends with people like her, but I won't necessarily relate to her lifestyle. This is why I go for befriending older women as they are relatable surprisingly for me. 

As for my parents, they are fine. There were times when I wasn't loved in the household and I was being neglected when I was sick growing up. I kind of understand because they were busy. Fought a lot with mom but was closer with her as she is my mom.

I know that I can be independent. I do not need him or anyone's help. For the most part, I can do things on my own. But there are times when and if I have a problem, then I immediately shut down and cry because it reminded me of him when he helped me with things. I always see him as a hero. The one who fights for me (sometimes) when some people do not. Like fixing the toilet, helping the faucet sink, taking care of the laundry, spraying the cockroaches and defending me when people were against me as I am a foreigner here. He also taught me to drive even though I do not have a driver's license. I do sometimes pay him but there are times he didn't want to be paid. 

I really hate the fact that his strength is my weaknesses and I see his strength as something I can learn from him. He's always present and aware of the environment. When I was cold or didn't use my jacket properly, he would zip and help me put my jacket on properly. When I was sick of getting COVID, he got furious that I didn't call him immediately and asked, "Why did not you just call me?" 

Or he just make comments that I am too quiet and I should speak up more. He got mad one time when I asked him to grab my friend's phone as it fell behind the toilet and he came over, but was being moody. 

I also got furious at him once until I threw a ketchup at him because of how he treated someone terrible. Nevertheless, he stole my heart and I cannot forget about him even if I want to. 

He has planted something in me that I became much confident and I became independent. He taught me to fight for being present. That every moment counts. He makes the present moment fun and I get to not take things seriously or I am not gloomy as I used to. There is something that he did, changed me and had a huge impact on me. 

I have become better at fixing and repairing things around, socializing and being present and aware. I learned to be adventurous because of him since he always brings me to the forest, mountains, parks and the beach. 

I learned that spending these precious moments is something I should not take for granted. I should also do the same to those I am close with. I shouldn't remain apathetic or passive all the time. I learned that from him.

I learned that I was raised in a family who never showed love through these things. I think this is the reason why I fell for this man.

I know I have been giving him too much credit and praising him a lot, but this is the reason why I am here. That I am not like my old me. 

[Art_demure]

The first time I admired him was when he paid for my housemate and I for paying the bill. Small gestures like that. In the cafe, I tried to analyze and study him while he was reading the daily newspaper. Once he paid and we got out, he smiled at us and headed to the direction opposite from us. From that moment I looked up at him in admiration

I do see normal people as role models or admiration sometimes. Not just to him. But to friends as well.

Oh. I also remember vividly before going to the cafe we had to cross the road and he would tell us to run. The way he said it was funny though. So I also have nightmares of people following me in the apartment and he knew I was worried and he would ask my landlord then to check the CCTV because of people banging on my door for no reason. 

But yeah that's the past and realized that I shouldn't rely or admire too much or overboard. I couldn't help it though

[Batya33]

13 hours ago, Art_demure said:

The first time I admired him was when he paid for my housemate and I for paying the bill. Small gestures like that. In the cafe, I tried to analyze and study him while he was reading the daily newspaper. Once he paid and we got out, he smiled at us and headed to the direction opposite from us. From that moment I looked up at him in admiration

I do see normal people as role models or admiration sometimes. Not just to him. But to friends as well.

Oh. I also remember vividly before going to the cafe we had to cross the road and he would tell us to run. The way he said it was funny though. So I also have nightmares of people following me in the apartment and he knew I was worried and he would ask my landlord then to check the CCTV because of people banging on my door for no reason. 

But yeah that's the past and realized that I shouldn't rely or admire too much or overboard. I couldn't help it though

You can help how you react. Remind yourself that he also is a person who is not loyal to his wife and family.  The most important people in his life.

[MissCanuck]

53 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

You can help how you react. Remind yourself that he also is a person who is not loyal to his wife and family.  The most important people in his life.

Exactly. 

This man has some serious character flaws as well, OP. He's not that great of a man. 

[HargY8890]

On 9/1/2024 at 8:53 AM, Art_demure said:

I am in my early 20s and got out of a love affair with a married man who is 20 years older than me. I ended it. Tried to move on.

Hang out with friends and partied. Went to volunteer and do hobbies. Travel around. Visit neighbours and the children.

But I still have a void in me. Emptiness that needs to be fulfilled.

That man stole my heart. I know I can fall in love again with a single guy, but at the moment I can't. 

It has been 9 months after I ended the affair (it was mostly emotional)

We did kiss, hug, etc. But that was it.

I regretted dating him.

What shall I do?

 

Time will heal