How to move on after I ended a 2 year affair?

[LotusBlack]

When you have a few more years behind you, OP, you will come to recognise what kind of disgusting human being this man truly is. Unfortunately, only time and experience will allow you to gain the perspective needed to see that. There isn't much anyone can say to you at the moment that will help you see that he didn't help you or love you. He used you. 

[LotusBlack]

5 minutes ago, Art_demure said:

It was before. 

Before I met him, I did feel worthless. Not anymore thankfully 

He also had an impact on my mental health.

It might be that I subconsciously think of him as someone who healed me mentally and physically. So in a way it is ingrained in me to seek for him and remind me of him everytime I have a problem in life or certain things I have troubled with.

I can still live without him. But I cannot make these feelings go away.

Unless if someone out there who is ( single)has certain heroic qualities he has that can make me move on from him

That is my point - you were feeling worthless before meeting him. You only felt a sense of worthiness as a direct result of him "providing" you with the "power" to feel worthy of yourself. That is why I suggested therapy, because you need to provide that all on your own without relying on someone else to convince you that your existence is important and has value. You have now directly associated this man with what it means to have significance in life. It isn't anyone else's responsibility to provide your life with meaning and fulfilment. You need to generate that on your own and then come together in a relationship (if you so wish to be partnered) with someone who already possesses that too. 

[Art_demure]

4 minutes ago, SooSad33 said:

Okay, but was this not your first real type relationship- so may be all you really know as of yet?  You are only 20.  Not a whole lot of experience re: actual, decent realtionships.

I hope you get what I am getting at.. and do see your own true worth, when it comes to what one deserves in a relationship.  HE did a lot of wrong and did dis respect his wife, to begin with and second, led on an innocent young woman! 😕  -- imo, someone like this is a piece of crap .

Yeah he was the 1st man who actually kissed me and I am inexperienced. I met him when I was 19. Fell head over heels for him when he started to show concern for me after I cried in my apartment. 

I am actually close with his daughter who was 8 years old and went to her birthday party to celebrate. During that time, I already started to develop feelings for him but I wasn't aware of myself and just brushed the feeling off

[SooSad33]

2 minutes ago, Art_demure said:

I am actually close with his daughter who was 8 years old and went to her birthday party to celebrate. During that time, I already started to develop feelings for him but I wasn't aware of myself and just brushed the feeling off

Oh, you know his dtr?  Is he a neighbour or something?

Yup, is best to just move along and have no more to do with him.  I'm really never sure IF cheaters ever feel regret 😕 .  I had a guy lead me on for a while, until I caught on to his ways- which really ticked me off! When I realized he was still with this other gal.  ( Just something I would never do).

 

[Kwothe28]

13 hours ago, Art_demure said:

Oh? I thought it meant shy. It can be a surname too. Not sure why you cared enough to point my username. 

 

Because its a new "fad". "Demure this, demure that, oh this is so demure". Its not a word and the fad will be gone in a month, leave it be.

13 hours ago, Art_demure said:

I do actually now know why I am not just attracted to married men but just older men in general I guess

I am not against your preferences. I even do applaud you for being able to break up this vicious cycle of affair. But just saying that maybe you should seek those positive properties in someone who is single. Plenty of single guys your age. Or even older if that is your forte.

[Art_demure]

I even dreamt about him today after I saw him yesterday (or if I am imagining) but he knows where I live anyway.

Not sure why in this dream he always calls my name and persuade me to come with him. Then he threw a birthday party for my grandpa. He is also the type of man who would throw a birthday party on the day for a stranger. Or let a stranger to pass by across the street. Or even let an elderly sit before him. That was how much I admire in him

I know it's just on the surface but he has always been helpful even to strangers. Although he can be racist and misogynistic when he blabbers because he just blabbers whatever is on his mind without filter normally. He just calls names at others but do noy mean to offend. 

Many people would find him offensive while others would find him funny. So he does have certain jokes that might only fit for others who understand.

He was the type who could make me laugh when I know that not many guys can.

[LotusBlack]

@Art_demure Completley disregard the comment about your user name. Not every country is experiencing a fad with the term “demure”. I, for one, have never heard most anybody in my country use the term unless they are over 80 years old or read the thesaurus - like me. Keep your user name and ignore bullying.

[Batya33]

3 hours ago, Art_demure said:

Not sure why in this dream he always calls my name and persuade me to come with him. Then he threw a birthday party for my grandpa. He is also the type of man who would throw a birthday party on the day for a stranger. Or let a stranger to pass by across the street. Or even let an elderly sit before him. That was how much I admire in him

Did you admire that he would cheat on his wife rather than first get a divorce and then date as a single person?

An adult who is mature and wants to do the right thing will have a filter or keep their mouth shut.  Teenagers too even.  It doesn't matter if you don't mean to offend -if you choose to have no filter you in advance are risking being a thoughtless person who greatly risks offending someone.  

[Art_demure]

On 9/2/2024 at 12:24 AM, SooSad33 said:

Oh, you know his dtr?  Is he a neighbour or something?

Yup, is best to just move along and have no more to do with him.  I'm really never sure IF cheaters ever feel regret 😕 .  I had a guy lead me on for a while, until I caught on to his ways- which really ticked me off! When I realized he was still with this other gal.  ( Just something I would never do).

 

I was actually approached by another married guy in the museum who lied about his age. We exhanged numbers that time. We used to call and text at night. Not in the morning since he always told me he is busy. He always calls me when he is on the bus on the way home from work. 

I didn't know he was married until I found out his wife texted me out of the blue.

Well never liked him anyway. But I blocked him eventually

[MissCanuck]

On 9/2/2024 at 10:29 AM, Kwothe28 said:

Its not a word

English teacher  of more than 20 years and native English-speaker here: you are wrong. Demure is absolutely a word. It is not a new word invented by social media, though maybe you only learned it when it became a fad.  Let's not pick on OP for something she is right about. 

 

 

[Kwothe28]

16 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

Let's not pick on OP for something she is right about. 

Pick on? I just said its annoying fad. The other person(who is still mad that I told her she should take more firmer stand with her ex husband) chimed in and called it "bullying". Talk about projection and "settling the score" lol.

Not my intentions. But I do see that every helpful advice gets rejected by OP so no wonder she used my words as distraction. And disregarded everything else that I said.

[Art_demure]

Thing is if I go book for an appointment for a therapist, it is not guaranteed if the therapist would even help me.

As of now, I will just work on myself and focus on expanding my social circle as it heals me. 

Normally going out and shopping, having fun is my thing. It does distract me from dwelling on him.

But if I see a couple in public, I immediately get triggered and think about him again. Then I will just get all triggered and secretly cry again because of just small things like that.

[Art_demure]

22 hours ago, Batya33 said:

Did you admire that he would cheat on his wife rather than first get a divorce and then date as a single person?

An adult who is mature and wants to do the right thing will have a filter or keep their mouth shut.  Teenagers too even.  It doesn't matter if you don't mean to offend -if you choose to have no filter you in advance are risking being a thoughtless person who greatly risks offending someone.  

I do not admire the bad qualities. Just his good ones. 

I have a dad who cheated on my mom 2x in the past and he was a good person and hardworking. 

[Batya33]

3 minutes ago, Art_demure said:

Thing is if I go book for an appointment for a therapist, it is not guaranteed if the therapist would even help me.

As of now, I will just work on myself and focus on expanding my social circle as it heals me. 

Normally going out and shopping, having fun is my thing. It does distract me from dwelling on him.

But if I see a couple in public, I immediately get triggered and think about him again. Then I will just get all triggered and secretly cry again because of just small things like that.

Here's what is a guarantee- if you play with fire with married men eventually you will get burned in some way. How do you plan to work on yourself? What are you doing today to do this work and do you have specific things you will do or not do?  No therapist should ever guarantee anything.  The work can include pleasant-non destructive -distractions but just some vague "work on myself" is really going to end up being an excuse until the next time some man approaches you and you decide not to check if he is singe and available.  

[Batya33]

Just now, Art_demure said:

I do not admire the bad qualities. Just his good ones. 

I have a dad who cheated on my mom 2x in the past and he was a good person and hardworking. 

Yes but when it comes to romantic relationships he is not your dad -he is a potential boyfriend. Why would you think he would be faithful to you? I am friends and close with people who have had affairs.  But friends- not romantic involvement -ever. One time in my early 20s I went on one date with a man who was separated which means still married.  I really didn't know  what that meant as far as that he was still legally married.  I think we held hands. I didn't see him again.  I cancelled first meets with men when I learned they'd lied about being divorced.  I was single so obviously the married person is more at fault but why get involved with someone who is cheating - when you might in the future want loyalty from them in a romantic relationship?

[LotusBlack]

3 hours ago, Kwothe28 said:

Pick on? I just said its annoying fad. The other person(who is still mad that I told her she should take more firmer stand with her ex husband) chimed in and called it "bullying". Talk about projection and "settling the score" lol.

I’m not mad, I just think you are being incredibly disrespectful and you are, in fact, bullying someone about their username. 

[Art_demure]

41 minutes ago, LotusBlack said:

I’m not mad, I just think you are being incredibly disrespectful and you are, in fact, bullying someone about their username. 

Tbh not sure why the people would get hyped about my username as it can be a surname for someone too. 

But yes anyone can spend in their free time to just point out something that is actually irrelevant to my situation and doesn't help my problem

[MissCanuck]

7 minutes ago, Art_demure said:

Tbh not sure why the people would get hyped about my username as it can be a surname for someone too.

It's fine, I assure you. 

As for the affair, well, given your lack of experience you have little to compare this too (yet) But as you get older and date more, I am quite sure you will one day see that this relationship was terribly unhealthy and certainly doesn't look like what a fulfilling relationship actually does. 

It perhaps filled a few voids temporarily, but he couldn't even offer you a real relationship. So the "fulfillment" was a quick fix that wouldn't last anyway. That's not what genuine fulillment feels like. It was smart of you to walk away from this man. He's a bigger tool than you think, and likely used your relatively inexperience and naivety to his advantage. 

[Kwothe28]

52 minutes ago, LotusBlack said:

I’m not mad, I just think you are being incredibly disrespectful and you are, in fact, bullying someone about their username. 

Again, sorry that your family situation isnt better and that you got triggered by my advice. But this is just your projection about me. I dont appreciate you going from thread to thread claiming how I am “bullying” anybody just because I said demure is a new fad. Its not to “take down OP” its just an observation about the word she used. Again, sorry but everybody uses demure now. Its a social media trend that is going on. Just like some others like “Rizz” was few months ago. 

I am sorry to OP but really, wasnt my intention to “take her down”. Even applauded her that she finally left the cheater. Again, just an observation about social media trend. 

 

 

[catfeeder]

6 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

Let's not pick on OP for something she is right about. 

Yes, and thank you. Let's not pick on ANYONE for their name, their weight, their politics, or any other characteristics for which they are not seeking advice. This is a support forum, not a bully pulpit.

[catfeeder]

5 hours ago, Art_demure said:

Thing is if I go book for an appointment for a therapist, it is not guaranteed if the therapist would even help me.

Right. Therapy is not like a car wash where we go in with problems and come out clean and gleaming without problems. It's messy and requires our participation. But therapists are trained to spot the tendencies we picked up as children or adolescents to protect ourselves, even while those tendencies work against us as adults. They provide some guardrails by listening to the self talk we use to drill ourselves into deeper holes to climb out of, and they challenge us to ascend, instead.

For instance, have you considered that the reason you're not 'over' the affair, despite your wise decision to walk away, might be because you believe that holding the pain is your only connection to the good feelings about yourself that the affair enlivened in you?

Wouldn't it be great to be able to hold onto the good stuff that can propel you forward with more confidence even while you let go of the fantasy that this particular guy 'must' be the only source of self esteem and self love that you can learn how to enjoy?

I have a terrific aunt who taught me that there is no partner on the planet who can actually give to us anything that we cannot give to ourselves. Unless we learn how to give to ourselves the love we crave, we don't own the ability to recognize and accept it from another with any trust that it is true. While this man may have enlivened in you a degree of self love that you already owned but had not recognized before, his limits were 'safe' for you--until they were not. So now you can take what you've gained and learn how to run forward with that, and make it work FOR you instead of against you.

Head high, write more if it helps, and consider ways that you can use your writing and your self talk to build yourself UP instead of stagnating 'around' the limits of an affair you had the foresight to break out of. Listen to the highest part of yourself that knows you can do better.

[DarkCh0c0]

8 hours ago, Art_demure said:

have a dad who cheated on my mom 2x in the past and he was a good person and hardworking. 

So you have this bad behaviour normalized. You are desensitised to it because you "got used to it" back home، even though it's completely unacceptable and it was at the expense of your mom and your feelings.

That's why you could use a good therapist; to delve deeper into the subconscious limiting belief systems you formed based on your wounded upbringing. Therapy could also empower you and uplift your self-esteem so that you can identify and pursue healthier relationships.

[LotusBlack]

7 hours ago, Kwothe28 said:

Again, sorry that your family situation isnt better and that you got triggered by my advice. But this is just your projection about me. I dont appreciate you going from thread to thread claiming how I am “bullying” anybody just because I said demure is a new fad. Its not to “take down OP” its just an observation about the word she used. Again, sorry but everybody uses demure now. Its a social media trend that is going on. Just like some others like “Rizz” was few months ago. 

I am sorry to OP but really, wasnt my intention to “take her down”. Even applauded her that she finally left the cheater. Again, just an observation about social media trend. 

 

 

Can you actually please stop. I am not going from thread to thread claiming anything. I thought you were incredibly rude on my thread and making assumptions that were wildly incorrect and misguided and giving “advice” that was not sound but could be dangerous for the wrong person. So, I simply had my thread hidden as a result and said nothing of it. That is my prerogative.

You have then come to this thread and have attacked someone for their user name, which is both unnecessary and unhelpful, not to mention nasty. I felt it uncalled for and mean behaviour and simply reassured OP that there is nothing wrong with her username because there isn’t. Yet, you keep bringing up my own post that has nothing to do with this post, and have accused me of projecting and trying to even the score. It’s absurd, particularly because other members have ALSO made comments about your conduct in this thread. Yet, you have singled me out.

Your behaviour isn’t okay, I said as much. End of. I’ll thank you to keep this thread about the OP and leave my matters out of it as it is not your place to discuss my business in other people’s posts, nor does it help the OP. This is all I shall say on the topic.

[Art_demure]

This man brought my inner child back. He did not just bring me out of depression. But he made me giddy, smile, laugh and tease with people again. It is as if I do not take things seriously all the time. It is as if he turned me into a little girl again. 

Not everyone has the talent to do this. Not even my other ex could or other guys in my life

 I wasn't this carefree or active before I met him. So something has unlocked me. What he did.

I wish to find someone who can do the same. Hard though

[MissCanuck]

Please keep in mind that you are very young, and not that experienced yet. 

You have a lifetime ahead of you to find a man, and when you find a good one, you will see how crap this one was. He's not a decent person. You're just still so deep in the fog that you can't see it yet. 

1 hour ago, Art_demure said:

It is as if he turned me into a little girl again. 

But this is not necessarily healthy when you are an adult. Why do you want to be a little girl again?