How to move on after I ended a 2 year affair?

[Art_demure]

I am in my early 20s and got out of a love affair with a married man who is 20 years older than me. I ended it. Tried to move on.

Hang out with friends and partied. Went to volunteer and do hobbies. Travel around. Visit neighbours and the children.

But I still have a void in me. Emptiness that needs to be fulfilled.

That man stole my heart. I know I can fall in love again with a single guy, but at the moment I can't. 

It has been 9 months after I ended the affair (it was mostly emotional)

We did kiss, hug, etc. But that was it.

I regretted dating him.

What shall I do?

 

[DarkCh0c0]

17 minutes ago, Art_demure said:

I regretted dating him.

Can you list out the reasons for leaving him on a piece of paper and look back at them when you think about him?

Also, I encourage you take a deeper look at why you went after someone married, instead if someone single and available. Some to consider: Do you like the drama? Or does an unavailable parent dynamic run in your family? Daddy issues? Or you are young and have a bad morale compass or boundaries that could use a nudge into a better direction? Or is that you don't believe that you can do any better?

I'd look into those. The answer is in you. Maybe consult a friend or therapist.

20 minutes ago, Art_demure said:

But I still have a void in me. Emptiness that needs to be fulfilled.

Have you tried dating men of your age? What is the void about? 

[Art_demure]

2 minutes ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

Can you list out the reasons for leaving him on a piece of paper and look back at them when you think about him?

Also, I encourage you take a deeper look at why you went after someone married, instead if someone single and available. Some to consider: Do you like the drama? Or does an unavailable parent dynamic run in your family? Daddy issues? Or you are young and have a bad morale compass or boundaries that could use a nudge into a better direction? Or is that you don't believe that you can do any better?

I'd look into those. The answer is in you. Maybe consult a friend or therapist.

Have you tried dating men of your age? What is the void about? 

Hello! Sure. 

I just left him because I didn't want to feel guilty anymore. I didn't want it to further continue a relationship that has no future for me. I knew his family so that adds the guilt.

I left him because I didn't want to ruin his marriage. I didn't want to be a freaking homewrecker. I didn't want to be a backup. I didn't want to hate his wife because since I dated him, I became resentful of the wife due to her treating him like crap in front of me and public. I didn't want to freaking regret it even more even if I still love him and respect him

[Art_demure]

7 minutes ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

Can you list out the reasons for leaving him on a piece of paper and look back at them when you think about him?

Also, I encourage you take a deeper look at why you went after someone married, instead if someone single and available. Some to consider: Do you like the drama? Or does an unavailable parent dynamic run in your family? Daddy issues? Or you are young and have a bad morale compass or boundaries that could use a nudge into a better direction? Or is that you don't believe that you can do any better?

I'd look into those. The answer is in you. Maybe consult a friend or therapist.

Have you tried dating men of your age? What is the void about? 

I tried dating a guy near my age. It wasn't a good experience. I was more fulfilled with the married guy

[DarkCh0c0]

7 minutes ago, Art_demure said:

Hello! Sure. 

I just left him because I didn't want to feel guilty anymore. I didn't want it to further continue a relationship that has no future for me. I knew his family so that adds the guilt.

I left him because I didn't want to ruin his marriage. I didn't want to be a freaking homewrecker. I didn't want to be a backup. I didn't want to hate his wife because since I dated him, I became resentful of the wife due to her treating him like crap in front of me and public. I didn't want to freaking regret it even more even if I still love him and respect him

Regret is good in this situation. You should feel it.

But you need to remember that he has, as an adult, the choice to leave her. He has the finances and time to do so. Yet he chooses not to so he can get the best of both sides: a naive side girlfriend for his hot sexy time needs, and a wife who takes care of the house, gives him company and possible is a nanny to his kids all for free.

Plus, cheaters are known to play puppy eyes and dramatize their home situation so that their side chick gives them empathy and excuse to cheat. Otherwise, who in their right mind would date a married man in a normal, albeit rocky, relationship?

And he chooses to wreck his house. He chooses to avoid the more mature action; a divorce.

6 minutes ago, Art_demure said:

tried dating a guy near my age. It wasn't a good experience. I was more fulfilled with the married guy

Well that's one guy. One guy in an ocean of men is not really a good representative of the experience.

Maybe you can pinpoint what you liked about the older guy and target men your age with similar qualities?

[Art_demure]

Just now, DarkCh0c0 said:

Regret is good in this situation. You should feel it.

But you need to remember that he has, as an adult, the choice to leave her. He has the finances and time to do so. Yet he chooses not to so he can get the best of both sides: a naive side girlfriend for his hot sexy time needs, and a wife who takes care of the house, gives him company and possible is a nanny to his kids all for free.

Plus, cheaters are known to play puppy eyes and dramatize their home situation so that their side chick gives them empathy and excuse to cheat. Otherwise, who in their right mind would date a married man in a normal, albeit rocky, relationship?

And he chooses to wreck his house too. He chooses to avoid the more mature action; a divorce.

Well that's one guy. One guy in an ocean of men is not really a good representative of the experience.

Maybe you can pinpoint what you liked about the older guy and target men your age with similar qualities?

What I loved about him was how protective he was of me. How he took care of me whenever I am sick. He brought me to the hospital and saved me from falling off a bridge.

He taught me things. In situations where I am weak at, he was there to do it. He was always on the go. Everytime I needed his help, he was quick.

When I got sexually harrassed by a man in the park, he told me to call the police if I am in trouble. When I got sick, he would spoon and feed me. He would brush my hair and complimented how long my hair was. 

Basically he was present. Before he came to my life, I was depressed and almost felt worthless. But when he came to my life, I felt that I was worth something more and he brought something in me that I never had before.

I really like how protective he was overall. How he cared even though he can be temperemental sometimes and road rage easily. But I can always be assured that he is willing to fight just to take care of someone. I admire that trait in him even if he wasn't that good either

[DarkCh0c0]

11 minutes ago, Art_demure said:

What I loved about him was how protective he was of me. How he took care of me whenever I am sick. He brought me to the hospital and saved me from falling off a bridge.

He taught me things. In situations where I am weak at, he was there to do it. He was always on the go. Everytime I needed his help, he was quick.

When I got sexually harrassed by a man in the park, he told me to call the police if I am in trouble. When I got sick, he would spoon and feed me. He would brush my hair and complimented how long my hair was. 

Basically he was present. Before he came to my life, I was depressed and almost felt worthless. But when he came to my life, I felt that I was worth something more and he brought something in me that I never had before.

I really like how protective he was overall. How he cared even though he can be temperemental sometimes and road rage easily. But I can always be assured that he is willing to fight just to take care of someone. I admire that trait in him even if he wasn't that good either

Alright. So someone who is gentleman-ish, protective and caring would be a good candidate for you. So you need to have them as top qualities in your next dates.

11 minutes ago, Art_demure said:

How he cared even though he can be temperemental sometimes and road rage easily.

This rage is a piece of him he may better hide in front of you until it slips, but his wife might be exposed to more of it. I know you might think his wife is all evil, but think of the relationship as "grey" rather than black/white. They have their fights, and it's not just crazy wife vs poor man. Both are adults and both have their share of bad or toxic behaviour. Idk If that helps you see him in a more balanced light. Yes, he cares about you. He was kind to you. But by having an affair with you it came at the expense that he was being a liar, unfair and disloyal to his wife.

It's good  he was able to show you what care and love can be like should you date another man. So hang on. You can and will find a lovely person who will be a good partner to you. You are worth it.

[Art_demure]

3 minutes ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

Alright. So someone who is gentleman-ish, protective and caring would be a good candidate for you. So you need to have them as top qualities in your next dates.

This rage is a piece of him he may better hide in front of you until it slips, but his wife might be exposed to more of it. I know you might think his wife is all evil, but think of the relationship as "grey" rather than black/white. They have their fights, and it's not just crazy wife vs poor man. Both are adults and both have their share of bad or toxic behaviour. Idk If that helps you see him in a more balanced light. Yes, he cares about you. He was kind to you. But by having an affair with you it came at the expense that he was being a liar, unfair and disloyal to his wife.

It's good  he was able to show you what care and love can be like should you date another man. So hang on. You can and will find a lovely person who will be a good partner to you. You are worth it.

Thank you for understanding me and taking the time to respond. I am glad people here are not that judgmental.

I really think after being approached by married men, not just 1, I can get a clear picture not to fall easily with people.

[Art_demure]

16 minutes ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

Alright. So someone who is gentleman-ish, protective and caring would be a good candidate for you. So you need to have them as top qualities in your next dates.

This rage is a piece of him he may better hide in front of you until it slips, but his wife might be exposed to more of it. I know you might think his wife is all evil, but think of the relationship as "grey" rather than black/white. They have their fights, and it's not just crazy wife vs poor man. Both are adults and both have their share of bad or toxic behaviour. Idk If that helps you see him in a more balanced light. Yes, he cares about you. He was kind to you. But by having an affair with you it came at the expense that he was being a liar, unfair and disloyal to his wife.

It's good  he was able to show you what care and love can be like should you date another man. So hang on. You can and will find a lovely person who will be a good partner to you. You are worth it.

I would like to ask if there's a way for me to move on? I wish I could just erase him from my mind but obviously that is impossible. 

The thing is, recently I think or I might have imagined but I saw him just today near my place. Since he knows my address, I got a feeling that he has been checking up nearby since he also tried to contact my friend to tell her he wanted to see me.

I couldn't of course.

I really do not know tbh. Oh well hope this passes 😔😮‍💨  

[DarkCh0c0]

5 minutes ago, Art_demure said:

would like to ask if there's a way for me to move on?

Absolutely. You can and will move on.

Think of the experience with him as a poor judgement in your life. Something you've done once, with some short-term comfort, but you wouldn't do again.

And give it time. Time and distance heal.

Keep doing what you are doing. Open up to other men when you feel ready. And remind yourself that you were courageous to leave, and that you have it in you to keep moving forward. Moving backwards will only set you back in life.

You got this.

[Kwothe28]

First off: "Demure" is not a word. Stop trying to make "demure" happen, its never going to happen!!!!

Second: You do know that you can have all those stuff you mentioned with somebody who isnt married, and literally cheating on his wife while he promises you that he would leave her for you?

[Batya33]

4 hours ago, Art_demure said:

 

 

3 hours ago, Art_demure said:

I would like to ask if there's a way for me to move on? I wish I could just erase him from my mind but obviously that is impossible. 

The thing is, recently I think or I might have imagined but I saw him just today near my place. Since he knows my address, I got a feeling that he has been checking up nearby since he also tried to contact my friend to tell her he wanted to see me.

I couldn't of course.

I really do not know tbh. Oh well hope this passes 😔😮‍💨  

I had a friend who had an affair with a married man when she was in her 20s.  She wasted a good couple years on him while his wife had another baby.  He stayed married.  She was single in her late 20s when she met her future husband.  She was over her affair enough that she did fall in love with him.  They got engaged when she was 30.  4 months later she was diagnosed with late stage breast cancer and  they married a couple months after that.  They were married about 2 years.  Because she died from the aggressive cancer. Most of their marriage was him being her hero, her husband, her love, her support through the horrible chemo and treatments and surgery.

Can you imagine if she hadn't wasted most of the rest of her life on the affair guy what she might have been able to have personally? She was in a career where she helped many people for the few short years she was alive to do so.

Imagine.  Imagine if heaven forbid you only had a couple years left to live and wasted any part of it on a married man? Try looking at it that way.

[LotusBlack]

5 hours ago, Art_demure said:

What I loved about him was how protective he was of me. How he took care of me whenever I am sick. He brought me to the hospital and saved me from falling off a bridge.

He taught me things. In situations where I am weak at, he was there to do it. He was always on the go. Everytime I needed his help, he was quick.

When I got sexually harrassed by a man in the park, he told me to call the police if I am in trouble. When I got sick, he would spoon and feed me. He would brush my hair and complimented how long my hair was. 

Basically he was present. Before he came to my life, I was depressed and almost felt worthless. But when he came to my life, I felt that I was worth something more and he brought something in me that I never had before.

I really like how protective he was overall. How he cared even though he can be temperemental sometimes and road rage easily. But I can always be assured that he is willing to fight just to take care of someone. I admire that trait in him even if he wasn't that good either

To be honest, and with all due respect, he sounds more like a disability support worker rather than a partner, as he was filling the role of someone taking care of someone else when they were unable to care for themselves completely on their own. It might seem noble without all the context. But with the context it just sounds gross.

I don’t think, right now, that you need to find a partner more your age to do those things. I, personally, think you need to spend time on your own, healing yourself and going through things with a therapist. I don’t think you’re in a place where being with someone else right now is healthy, as you’re looking to them to give you self-worth, validation, and to be responsible for your happiness. That isn’t anyone else’s responsibility but your own. When you can do that, then you are in a place where you can add another person - who is also healthy and happy on their own - into your life. 

It doesn’t matter if you believe your ex-affair partner is treated badly by his wife. The only important thing there is that he believes that to be the situation and then takes the necessary steps to remedy it. Even if it is true that his wife is terrible, that doesn’t then make just an unjust action - cheating - by either you or him. And, no emotionally mature and healthy person is going to think, “Hey, my home and married life is terrible and toxic. I know! 💡I’ll fix that right up by further complicating my situation by adding an affair partner into the mix! That’s sure to improve this mess! I better do it right, though, and target a severely depressed 20-year-old girl who has debilitating self esteem issues.”

Any adult worth being in a relationship with would end a toxic marriage, spend time healing the trauma from it and getting their life back to healthy functionality, then pursue a relationship with someone who is also emotionally healthy. That he identified you as an appropriate partner when you are in need of help and support yourself and he is unavailable and unfit to date only demonstrates his own dysfunctional condition. 

This is not love for either of you. Aim higher for yourself after you heal yourself. I encourage therapy so you can develop healthy mindsets about yourself and your worth and recognise other worthy and available people.

[Art_demure]

1 hour ago, Kwothe28 said:

First off: "Demure" is not a word. Stop trying to make "demure" happen, its never going to happen!!!!

Second: You do know that you can have all those stuff you mentioned with somebody who isnt married, and literally cheating on his wife while he promises you that he would leave her for you?

Oh? I thought it meant shy. It can be a surname too. Not sure why you cared enough to point my username. 

Anyway, I kind of get what you are saying that I can do that with a single guy. Thing is, I never felt loved by the single guy I dated (which I know not all single guys are like this) but the married man did make me feel loved temporarily.

I do actually now know why I am not just attracted to married men but just older men in general I guess

[Art_demure]

1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

 

I had a friend who had an affair with a married man when she was in her 20s.  She wasted a good couple years on him while his wife had another baby.  He stayed married.  She was single in her late 20s when she met her future husband.  She was over her affair enough that she did fall in love with him.  They got engaged when she was 30.  4 months later she was diagnosed with late stage breast cancer and  they married a couple months after that.  They were married about 2 years.  Because she died from the aggressive cancer. Most of their marriage was him being her hero, her husband, her love, her support through the horrible chemo and treatments and surgery.

Can you imagine if she hadn't wasted most of the rest of her life on the affair guy what she might have been able to have personally? She was in a career where she helped many people for the few short years she was alive to do so.

Imagine.  Imagine if heaven forbid you only had a couple years left to live and wasted any part of it on a married man? Try looking at it that way.

I am sorry about your friend. I wish I can meet someone who has the good qualities that the married guy have. It would be nice and lovely to feel protected not just physically, and financially, but emotionally

[Art_demure]

47 minutes ago, LotusBlack said:

To be honest, and with all due respect, he sounds more like a disability support worker rather than a partner, as he was filling the role of someone taking care of someone else when they were unable to care for themselves completely on their own. It might seem noble without all the context. But with the context it just sounds gross.

I don’t think, right now, that you need to find a partner more your age to do those things. I, personally, think you need to spend time on your own, healing yourself and going through things with a therapist. I don’t think you’re in a place where being with someone else right now is healthy, as you’re looking to them to give you self-worth, validation, and to be responsible for your happiness. That isn’t anyone else’s responsibility but your own. When you can do that, then you are in a place where you can add another person - who is also healthy and happy on their own - into your life. 

It doesn’t matter if you believe your ex-affair partner is treated badly by his wife. The only important thing there is that he believes that to be the situation and then takes the necessary steps to remedy it. Even if it is true that his wife is terrible, that doesn’t then make just an unjust action - cheating - by either you or him. And, no emotionally mature and healthy person is going to think, “Hey, my home and married life is terrible and toxic. I know! 💡I’ll fix that right up by further complicating my situation by adding an affair partner into the mix! That’s sure to improve this mess! I better do it right, though, and target a severely depressed 20-year-old girl who has debilitating self esteem issues.”

Any adult worth being in a relationship with would end a toxic marriage, spend time healing the trauma from it and getting their life back to healthy functionality, then pursue a relationship with someone who is also emotionally healthy. That he identified you as an appropriate partner when you are in need of help and support yourself and he is unavailable and unfit to date only demonstrates his own dysfunctional condition. 

This is not love for either of you. Aim higher for yourself after you heal yourself. I encourage therapy so you can develop healthy mindsets about yourself and your worth and recognise other worthy and available people.

I do not need a therapist. I want someone who can do the things that the married man did. I am also slowly moving on already after I cut off contact with him on whatsapp and everything from my contact list.

Why can't I also find someone who treats me with love and protection? 

I think everyone wants validation and it isn't because I am weak. Well since I do have a leg impairment, okay I am physically weak, but I just want someone there by my side. I am also independent. Lived abroad and away from family, have my self business, pay my bills, do housework, studying.

I think it is about time for me to be looking for someone else. Not because I am unhealthy

[Cherylyn]

You move on by realizing your affair was not all in vain.  Your key takeaway was a hard lesson learned.  You move on by starting anew and becoming a better lady for yourself and others.  Always take a negative situation by transforming it into positives from this day forward. 

A dying man once told me this:  "Don't live in the past."  Even though it's hard to do,  repeat these words in your brain and see the wisdom in it.  Live in the present and make the best of it.  Think before you speak,  act and write.  Make intelligent choices and decisions.  All will be well. 

You can't undo the past and no sense reliving it.  It's over and history.  Keep moving forward towards healing and giving yourself a fresh start in life. 

It helps to surround yourself with very moral people who are positive role models and influences in your life.  Focus on taking good care of your health,  work hard,  have a hobby,  do what you enjoy,  be with good people and savor solitude.  Have balance in your life.

Everyone makes mistakes.  Most people harbor regret and remorse.  You are no exception.  Make changes in your life and know you deserve to live a good life. 

[Art_demure]

5 minutes ago, Cherylyn said:

You move on by realizing your affair was not all in vain.  Your key takeaway was a hard lesson learned.  You move on by starting anew and becoming a better lady for yourself and others.  Always take a negative situation by transforming it into positives from this day forward. 

A dying man once told me this:  "Don't live in the past."  Even though it's hard to do,  repeat these words in your brain and see the wisdom in it.  Live in the present and make the best of it.  Think before you speak,  act and write.  Make intelligent choices and decisions.  All will be well. 

You can't undo the past and no sense reliving it.  It's over and history.  Keep moving forward towards healing and giving yourself a fresh start in life. 

It helps to surround yourself with very moral people who are positive role models and influences in your life.  Focus on taking good care of your health,  work hard,  have a hobby,  do what you enjoy,  be with good people and savor solitude.  Have balance in your life.

Everyone makes mistakes,  most people harbor regret and remorse.  You are no exception.  Make changes in your life and know you deserve to live a good life. 

Thank you for the reminder ☺️🙏🏼

I always try to look at the present and also the future possibilities.

I do know I am not the only one who has been this situation as it is common situation apparently. 

Of course I am always trying to improve myself and busy myself to distract me from bad thoughts altogether

[smackie9]

6 hours ago, Art_demure said:

What I loved about him was how protective he was of me. How he took care of me whenever I am sick. He brought me to the hospital and saved me from falling off a bridge.

He taught me things. In situations where I am weak at, he was there to do it. He was always on the go. Everytime I needed his help, he was quick.

When I got sexually harrassed by a man in the park, he told me to call the police if I am in trouble. When I got sick, he would spoon and feed me. He would brush my hair and complimented how long my hair was. 

Basically he was present. Before he came to my life, I was depressed and almost felt worthless. But when he came to my life, I felt that I was worth something more and he brought something in me that I never had before.

I really like how protective he was overall. How he cared even though he can be temperemental sometimes and road rage easily. But I can always be assured that he is willing to fight just to take care of someone. I admire that trait in him even if he wasn't that good either

That right there is why you are still hanging on...you have codependency with this guy. Totally not healthy whatsoever. You were totally dependant on this guy to give you a life...again unhealthy. You can't find yourself because you don't have self love or self worth. I suggest you seek out therapy to work through this and realize where you went wrong, how wrong this guy actually was, what has lead you where you are now...empty and unfulfilled. A man is not your answer...finding yourself and independence is.

[LotusBlack]

1 hour ago, Art_demure said:

I do not need a therapist. I want someone who can do the things that the married man did. I am also slowly moving on already after I cut off contact with him on whatsapp and everything from my contact list.

Why can't I also find someone who treats me with love and protection? 

I think everyone wants validation and it isn't because I am weak. Well since I do have a leg impairment, okay I am physically weak, but I just want someone there by my side. I am also independent. Lived abroad and away from family, have my self business, pay my bills, do housework, studying.

I think it is about time for me to be looking for someone else. Not because I am unhealthy

That you think having therapy represents some kind of emotional weakness is quite telling. Many people benefit from therapy and for a very wide range of reasons. Therapists, through various tools and techniques, can offer people a chance to process information and then present it back to themselves in a way that allows them to view things as they truly are. It is not a shameful or weak thing to seek guidance and counsel from someone who is trained to help you understand how your own mind works. It was not said to you as an insult but said by me to you as someone with empathy who recognises a young woman who has some kind of emotional trauma that has created a level of self loathing. No one who loves themselves, regardless of all the other things they have achieved in their life, would view themselves as worthless, etc. or involve themselves with someone like this man. You may think that he offered you all this care and attention and you want those same qualities in another man. But, in fact, this man was anything but kind. In reality, he is cruel because he willingly instigated and entered into a situation where he cannot offer you faithfulness, integrity, honesty, commitment, or availability. He did things for you, but withheld the most important thing from you - himself. That is not the act of a decent, loving man with high integrity and those are the qualities in a partner you should be looking for, not empty acts of service.

Aside from that, you yourself stated that you were depressed and had serious self-esteem issues. You were also very young and identified a married man much older than you who has a myriad of personal and marital issues of his own as an appropriate person to date. Think about your choice there. That is not a choice made by someone coming from an emotionally healthy, mature, or wise state. This is not at all an attack on your character. This is what genuine empathy and advice looks like. It isn’t always what one wants to hear or be confronted with. And it certainly won’t be an illusion painted up to look good - such as what your ex presented to you. But, if it can help you truly gain perspective and then make choices that bring you closer to that which make your life better, then that is what matters. 

I wish you all the very best, OP.

P.S. “demure” is a word and your understanding of its definition is correct. 

[SooSad33]

7 hours ago, Art_demure said:

I am in my early 20s and got out of a love affair with a married man who is 20 years older than me. I ended it. Tried to move on.

Aww wow, so sorry  😕 .

I say just give it more time, as it did affect you emotionally. Whether it takes 10 mos or 2 years.

 

58 minutes ago, LotusBlack said:

I do not need a therapist. I want someone who can do the things that the married man did. I am also slowly moving on already after I cut off contact with him on whatsapp and everything from my contact list.

Why can't I also find someone who treats me with love and protection? 

What is it this married man did? I know he did NOT provide you with love and protection!  He's messed you up and his marriage.. I feel for the wife/ family 😕 , but men are easily corrupted.

 

Okay, so its good you've managed to now remove him from everything!  Its best, for sure to 'move on' with your life.  And you also need to realize, that basically your first impression as you've hit your 'adult life' was that of a messy situation - and am glad you came to realize it wasn't right.

Now, you need to work thru the effects of this and work towards recovering from it and finding a real man who does respect & appreciate you.. but just not yet.

Take it easy for a while yet, I suggest and make sure you are whole hearted and emotionally available for your next one.

[Art_demure]

1 hour ago, smackie9 said:

That right there is why you are still hanging on...you have codependency with this guy. Totally not healthy whatsoever. You were totally dependant on this guy to give you a life...again unhealthy. You can't find yourself because you don't have self love or self worth. I suggest you seek out therapy to work through this and realize where you went wrong, how wrong this guy actually was, what has lead you where you are now...empty and unfulfilled. A man is not your answer...finding yourself and independence is.

How would you feel if someone saved you, made you feel loved, showered you with affection? I do not think it is unhealthy. But normal to have these emotions since it is something that might touch you for the rest of your life. These sort of gestures is truly what many people would want in a relationship.

Unfortunately a married guy who is in a committed relationship did these things which I know a single guy could. But no, no single guy did.

I know he was in the wrong for cheating on his wife and it doesnt justify even if he was unhappy. No matter how much people put logic in me, I seem to can't get past over it because of the things he did for me

[Art_demure]

I probably sound crazy to say that I feel safer with a married dude even if he is not committed to me. But he was one of the most fulfilling relationship I had. I do not regret loving him, and I respect him, I just regret that I have done something unethical. 

[SooSad33]

6 minutes ago, Art_demure said:

I probably sound crazy to say that I feel safer with a married dude even if he is not committed to me. But he was one of the most fulfilling relationship I had. I do not regret loving him, and I respect him, I just regret that I have done something unethical. 

Okay, but was this not your first real type relationship- so may be all you really know as of yet?  You are only 20.  Not a whole lot of experience re: actual, decent realtionships.

I hope you get what I am getting at.. and do see your own true worth, when it comes to what one deserves in a relationship.  HE did a lot of wrong and did dis respect his wife, to begin with and second, led on an innocent young woman! 😕  -- imo, someone like this is a piece of crap .

[Art_demure]

1 hour ago, LotusBlack said:

That you think having therapy represents some kind of emotional weakness is quite telling. Many people benefit from therapy and for a very wide range of reasons. Therapists, through various tools and techniques, can offer people a chance to process information and then present it back to themselves in a way that allows them to view things as they truly are. It is not a shameful or weak thing to seek guidance and counsel from someone who is trained to help you understand how your own mind works. It was not said to you as an insult but said by me to you as someone with empathy who recognises a young woman who has some kind of emotional trauma that has created a level of self loathing. No one who loves themselves, regardless of all the other things they have achieved in their life, would view themselves as worthless, etc. or involve themselves with someone like this man. You may think that he offered you all this care and attention and you want those same qualities in another man. But, in fact, this man was anything but kind. In reality, he is cruel because he willingly instigated and entered into a situation where he cannot offer you faithfulness, integrity, honesty, commitment, or availability. He did things for you, but withheld the most important thing from you - himself. That is not the act of a decent, loving man with high integrity and those are the qualities in a partner you should be looking for, not empty acts of service.

Aside from that, you yourself stated that you were depressed and had serious self-esteem issues. You were also very young and identified a married man much older than you who has a myriad of personal and marital issues of his own as an appropriate person to date. Think about your choice there. That is not a choice made by someone coming from an emotionally healthy, mature, or wise state. This is not at all an attack on your character. This is what genuine empathy and advice looks like. It isn’t always what one wants to hear or be confronted with. And it certainly won’t be an illusion painted up to look good - such as what your ex presented to you. But, if it can help you truly gain perspective and then make choices that bring you closer to that which make your life better, then that is what matters. 

I wish you all the very best, OP.

P.S. “demure” is a word and your understanding of its definition is correct. 

It was before. 

Before I met him, I did feel worthless. Not anymore thankfully 

He also had an impact on my mental health.

It might be that I subconsciously think of him as someone who healed me mentally and physically. So in a way it is ingrained in me to seek for him and remind me of him everytime I have a problem in life or certain things I have troubled with.

I can still live without him. But I cannot make these feelings go away.

Unless if someone out there who is ( single)has certain heroic qualities he has that can make me move on from him