I’m worried I’m incapable of ever feeling attraction ever again

[MissCanuck]

Right, but you've gone over this again and again (about him)

He's in your past now. You need to leave him there, stop looking at his and his new lady's social media, and stop this loop in your mind. It doesn't help you to keep rehashing everything. 

Time to move forward with your life, girl. 

[LovelyRoses]

Ok so one last thing.

I have a severe chronic migraine disorder so I have migraines like 10 days of the month. On several dates with him, I got a headache which affected my speech and I get anxious before a migraine. On the last date I was staying at his and I was in so much pain I didn’t want to cuddle or kiss, and I vomited in the morning which was embarrassing 

 

I think that’s why I ruminate so much about the dating thing too, because I worry my headaches ruined everything. I hope my migraines don’t affect future dating scenarios. With the last guy I pushed through the dates despite being in pain as I didn’t want him to think I struggle so much. I don’t like to make a fuss 

 

[Batya33]

4 hours ago, LovelyRoses said:

surely any lady would be confused that’s why I beat myself up and worry what I did wrong.

I would not have been.  If a man wasn't showing interest by asking me out on dates he planned in advance around once a week (or I guess responding enthusiastically if I asked him out) and showing up for the dates reliably, then I assumed he wasn't interested in dating me even if he might "like" or be attracted to me.  I didn't need to wait around for a man who might be attracted to me and tell myself it was sooooo confusing -why wasn't he asking me out??? I assumed -he wasn't asking me out properly because he didn't want to -for whatever reason -I didn't need a fan club/chat buddy/ potential hook up -I was looking to date a man with serious potential for a relationship at some point. A man who is interested in dating you would never want to risk confusing you because then you might lose interest and look elsewhere and he'll miss out.

 And I moved on -no confusion. The only navigating involved -your word -was navigating myself to my closet to decide what to wear and perhaps helping him navigate with directions pre-GPS.  

[LovelyRoses]

17 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I would not have been.  If a man wasn't showing interest by asking me out on dates he planned in advance around once a week (or I guess responding enthusiastically if I asked him out) and showing up for the dates reliably, then I assumed he wasn't interested in dating me even if he might "like" or be attracted to me.  I didn't need to wait around for a man who might be attracted to me and tell myself it was sooooo confusing -why wasn't he asking me out??? I assumed -he wasn't asking me out properly because he didn't want to -for whatever reason -I didn't need a fan club/chat buddy/ potential hook up -I was looking to date a man with serious potential for a relationship at some point. A man who is interested in dating you would never want to risk confusing you because then you might lose interest and look elsewhere and he'll miss out.

 And I moved on -no confusion. The only navigating involved -your word -was navigating myself to my closet to decide what to wear and perhaps helping him navigate with directions pre-GPS.  

Well he did ask me out once a week, I added an example message above.

[Batya33]

11 minutes ago, LovelyRoses said:

Well he did ask me out once a week, I added an example message above.

I see but he didn't respond to your messages for days and he told you off the bat he was moving to another country right? From what you wrote it was less than once a week because he wasn't responding to your messages.  You had 3 or 4 dates right? Then he was going to be busy for weeks and not see you? And he was quite glib about it. Was he going to be out of town or just -too busy to see you for 2-3 weeks?

[Tinydance]

I think people can have different texting styles, that's true. Some people are more talkative and outgoing and want to chat constantly. Someone more quiet maybe won't text all day every day. They might text every couple of days. I disagree though that texting isn't any indication of level of interest. I think if someone is interested, their texting will be consistent. If they're not a very talkative person maybe they won't say a lot. But not responding to your message for five days every time I would actually consider ignoring you.

Presumably you asked some questions in your texts that required a response. Like, how was your day today? Did you go to see that movie you mentioned? Etc. Normally people text in a conversational manner that requires a response. And if that person ignores what you said/asked for five days every time then what does it tell you about how much they want to talk to you?

Someone who really likes you will be excited to talk to you and to see you. The fact he didn't confirm a date until literally the day of the date or something also shows low interest. It's not about a person's personality or texting style. It's very simple, if they like you, you are on their mind. They want to talk to you, they want to see you. And how they're acting will reflect that.

When he went on the holiday, he didn't contact you for a month! That's really long. If someone didn't contact me that long, I'd basically forget about them. Even if he was overseas, we have so many free apps you can use to message people. He could have sent a text at least once or twice a week. But I just don't think he was thinking about you at all. I'm sorry but it seems like the reality.

You seem to have very tunnel view when you're dating. You decide that you're completely infatuated with a guy and he's the one and that's it. But what about him? A relationship needs two people and the other person is not interested. Why do you keep looking at his social media and asking again and again why he wasn't into you. He just wasn't feeling it. That's all. Please you have to accept it and stop torturing yourself. 

[Tinydance]

13 minutes ago, LovelyRoses said:

Well he did ask me out once a week, I added an example message above.

It doesn't sound like he asked you out once a week? You said it was five dates in three months. That's not once a week. That's a very small amount of dates in that time.

[LovelyRoses]

2 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I see but he didn't respond to your messages for days and he told you off the bat he was moving to another country right? From what you wrote it was less than once a week because he wasn't responding to your messages.  You had 3 or 4 dates right? Then he was going to be busy for weeks and not see you? And he was quite glib about it. Was he going to be out of town or just -too busy to see you for 2-3 weeks?

He’s from the other side of the world. He told me on the first date ‘I’m sure I will move back one date but pretty settled now.’

 

when we met as friends more recently, he told me ‘I always figured I will move back one day, my parents are ageing rapidly and grandparents dying.’

 

but now he is with a new woman, who has children, and I’m like why is he dating her if he knows one day he wants to go back to his family. Or can a woman really make a man change his mind

[Tinydance]

1 minute ago, LovelyRoses said:

He’s from the other side of the world. He told me on the first date ‘I’m sure I will move back one date but pretty settled now.’

 

when we met as friends more recently, he told me ‘I always figured I will move back one day, my parents are ageing rapidly and grandparents dying.’

 

but now he is with a new woman, who has children, and I’m like why is he dating her if he knows one day he wants to go back to his family. Or can a woman really make a man change his mind

Why are you friends with him??!!

[LovelyRoses]

2 minutes ago, Tinydance said:

I think people can have different texting styles, that's true. Some people are more talkative and outgoing and want to chat constantly. Someone more quiet maybe won't text all day every day. They might text every couple of days. I disagree though that texting isn't any indication of level of interest. I think if someone is interested, their texting will be consistent. If they're not a very talkative person maybe they won't say a lot. But not responding to your message for five days every time I would actually consider ignoring you.

Presumably you asked some questions in your texts that required a response. Like, how was your day today? Did you go to see that movie you mentioned? Etc. Normally people text in a conversational manner that requires a response. And if that person ignores what you said/asked for five days every time then what does it tell you about how much they want to talk to you?

Someone who really likes you will be excited to talk to you and to see you. The fact he didn't confirm a date until literally the day of the date or something also shows low interest. It's not about a person's personality or texting style. It's very simple, if they like you, you are on their mind. They want to talk to you, they want to see you. And how they're acting will reflect that.

When he went on the holiday, he didn't contact you for a month! That's really long. If someone didn't contact me that long, I'd basically forget about them. Even if he was overseas, we have so many free apps you can use to message people. He could have sent a text at least once or twice a week. But I just don't think he was thinking about you at all. I'm sorry but it seems like the reality.

You seem to have very tunnel view when you're dating. You decide that you're completely infatuated with a guy and he's the one and that's it. But what about him? A relationship needs two people and the other person is not interested. Why do you keep looking at his social media and asking again and again why he wasn't into you. He just wasn't feeling it. That's all. Please you have to accept it and stop torturing yourself. 

Of course I asked lots of interesting questions to make it easy for him to respond. Our messages were long but he started the long messages busines.la first. His messages were like long essays 

 

No it wasn’t a month, it was a week when he went on holiday that he didn’t text me. 

[LovelyRoses]

Just now, Tinydance said:

Why are you friends with him??!!

Because I don’t have many friends that I genuinely clicked with and he came back to be friends. We really did get along. 
 

I have a severe migraine disorder which means me putting effort into making other friends is really hard.it’s isolating and I felt lonely so I wanted company whilst I was in a really bad period of migraines. I vomit like all the time and it’s horrible and makes making friends impossible but he understood when we were friends 

[Batya33]

3 minutes ago, LovelyRoses said:

He’s from the other side of the world. He told me on the first date ‘I’m sure I will move back one date but pretty settled now.’

 

when we met as friends more recently, he told me ‘I always figured I will move back one day, my parents are ageing rapidly and grandparents dying.’

 

but now he is with a new woman, who has children, and I’m like why is he dating her if he knows one day he wants to go back to his family. Or can a woman really make a man change his mind

Again you are speculating.You have no idea if she wants to move, no idea if they will date longer than another day or less, no idea if he is "with" her in the sense you are assuming.

And yes two people can change their lives to get married.  I did. I moved 800 miles away from the city I'd lived in for 43 years to a city I'd been to only once or twice.  Knew nobody.  In one year I went from being unmarried and childless and employed as a top level exec making top $ to being a new mom, newlywed, relocating and becoming an unemployed SAHM.  I did it with some nerves but mostly joy and excitement to be fulfilling my dreams of marrying the right person and being a parent.  There were people who were really surprised at these huge changes I made in a short period of time. I surprised myself too.  But I did it. So glad I did.

[Tinydance]

1 minute ago, LovelyRoses said:

Because I don’t have many friends that I genuinely clicked with and he came back to be friends. We really did get along. 
 

I have a severe migraine disorder which means me putting effort into making other friends is really hard.it’s isolating and I felt lonely so I wanted company whilst I was in a really bad period of migraines. I vomit like all the time and it’s horrible and makes making friends impossible but he understood when we were friends 

But you're really into this guy and he's not into you. Being friends with him is the highest form of self torture. And it's not like he's a really good friend who you ended up dating later. You were dating him a few times so he's a new person. There's no need to have him in your life. I'm sorry but your level of obsession with him isn't normal. Even though he has a girlfriend now you're still hanging around? He's not actually bread crumbing you. You're bread crumbing yourself. 

[Batya33]

4 minutes ago, LovelyRoses said:

Because I don’t have many friends that I genuinely clicked with and he came back to be friends. We really did get along. 
 

I have a severe migraine disorder which means me putting effort into making other friends is really hard.it’s isolating and I felt lonely so I wanted company whilst I was in a really bad period of migraines. I vomit like all the time and it’s horrible and makes making friends impossible but he understood when we were friends 

I'm so sorry. I have friends who suffer from this.  This man cannot be your friend for obvious reasons.

[Tinydance]

Just now, Batya33 said:

Again you are speculating.You have no idea if she wants to move, no idea if they will date longer than another day or less, no idea if he is "with" her in the sense you are assuming.

And yes two people can change their lives to get married.  I did. I moved 800 miles away from the city I'd lived in for 43 years to a city I'd been to only once or twice.  Knew nobody.  In one year I went from being unmarried and childless and employed as a top level exec making top $ to being a new mom, newlywed, relocating and becoming an unemployed SAHM.  I did it with some nerves but mostly joy and excitement to be fulfilling my dreams of marrying the right person and being a parent.  There were people who were really surprised at these huge changes I made in a short period of time. I surprised myself too.  But I did it. So glad I did.

I know you probably don't want to hear this OP but yes people will change their life when they really like someone. E.g. Stay in the country for that person. But he didn't really like YOU. I'm sorry. Please try to move on.

[MissCanuck]

5 hours ago, LovelyRoses said:

Because I don’t have many friends that I genuinely clicked with and he came back to be friends. We really did get along

When was the last time you even talked to him face-to-face? Or got a message from him?

And for the 6749th time - why are you looking at her (and his) social media??

[LovelyRoses]

18 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

When was the last time you even talked to him face-to-face? Or got a message from him?

And for the 6749th time - why are you looking at her (and his) social media??

He messaged me in June ‘I hope you are well.’ I replied back to ask him how his new job is. He opened the message and never replied 

[Batya33]

27 minutes ago, LovelyRoses said:

He messaged me in June ‘I hope you are well.’ I replied back to ask him how his new job is. He opened the message and never replied 

That message doesn't require or even invite a response.  And it's just a typed one sentence cliche you might write to your former neighbor.  

[SophiaG]

I had this feeling for a long while when I was struggling with depression and other issues in my life. I dated a lot but for the most part barely felt anything. I could go on five dates a week then hardly remember the names of the people or what they were like. A close friend of mine told me dating wasn't likely to work as my lack of interest showed through and it became a self fulfilling prophecy.

Then at some point I met a guy that I was genuinely excited about. The date went well (or so I thought) and we continued to text for a bit, but he didn't suggest a second date (except the vague mentions of "we should do xyz sometime"). I liked him enough to suggest meeting up again, but he found some excuse to delay, so I learned he wasn't super into me. It was disappointing, as I vented to my friend, literally that was the first time in over a year that I felt something! But as my friend responded and I fully agreed, it was worth it. Feeling something - anything, is better than nothing. It's nice to be reminded what butterflies feel like. I met my bf not long afterwards. 

[ShySoul]

On 9/3/2024 at 4:21 PM, LovelyRoses said:

Because I don’t have many friends that I genuinely clicked with and he came back to be friends. We really did get along. 

I have a severe migraine disorder which means me putting effort into making other friends is really hard.it’s isolating and I felt lonely so I wanted company whilst I was in a really bad period of migraines. I vomit like all the time and it’s horrible and makes making friends impossible but he understood when we were friends 

You weren't wrong to try to be friends. If you both wanted it, it was right at the time. It is possible to be friends with someone you had or have feelings for.

I'm sorry your condition makes keeping friendships difficult.  I can understand the lonliness and wanting to connect with someone, wanting to hold onto that as much as possible when it does happen. This person was there and made the effort to be friends when you needed someone. That is something you really come to value and appreciate. You think things are great and will continue that way. So it is extra frustrating and painful if things change. 

Sorry you went through that. You didn't deserve it.

This guy, or any guy, isn't going to be what cures the lonliness. That has to come from within you. You need to find something on your own that bring you joy and a sense of worth and accomplisment. That is what will truly make you happy. 

Once that happens, other pieces start falling in place, trust me. 

Take care and hope you are feeling better.

 

[MissCanuck]

On 9/5/2024 at 1:56 AM, LovelyRoses said:

He messaged me in June ‘I hope you are well.’ I replied back to ask him how his new job is. He opened the message and never replied 

Ok, so there is no real friendship to speak of anymore, either. 

It is high time to delete this man of your social media, and stop looking at this other woman's posts too.