I’m worried I’m incapable of ever feeling attraction ever again

[LovelyRoses]

49 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

^^So then why on earth do you continue to keep this person on such a high pedestal comparing every man you meet/date to HIM?

Because YOU are so attracted to him and that rarely happens?  Do you even realize how ****ed that mindset is? 

I refer you back to @Kwothe28post at the beginning of this thread discussing  your attraction to players.  Or men who are unavailable to you and/or treat you "less than."

I agreed and suggested you seek therapy to determine why that is.

Please @LovelyRoses stop chasing men!   Stop being the one to initiate dates, plan dates, confirm the date, in short stop begging for their attention and validation.

Let them show you with actions (not sweet words that flatter you) that they're interested in dating you!

You think they don't notice?  Trust me they do which could be another reason why they never wish to pursue anything with you.

Considering his rather nonchalant treatment of you, why did you have sex with this man? 

Given he was your first, it saddens me that you did so.  Truly. 😞

On one hand I do feel so badly for you that your self-esteem is so low, on the other hand I get frustrated because you don't seem to want to help yourself! 

Please LR, stop stalking his SM, stop imagining what he is doing or not doing with any particular woman, stop obsessing.

For your own sake and self care. 

Like I said in previous, change starts with you.

Take care.

 

 

Ok but him I held back. I did ask him on the second date but that’s because I waited 5 days and he hasn’t asked me yet. Third date he asked me and he planned an escape room and cheese and wine night but he didn’t confirm the date until the last minute. So for that date I did kinda say ‘hey are we still planning to meet tomorrow? I’m planning my weekend :)’ was that too much? I genuinely didn’t know if it was happening or not 

 

fourth date he came to my town, again he confirmed it last minute but I planned the places to show him

 

5th date was a month later due to travels. I asked him if I could see him. And the 6th date I told him I was back in the city and he said I should have stopped off in his town and that he felt a bit annoyed I didn’t say I was passing through. So I said ‘why don’t we meet on Friday then, I’ll come to you?’

 

I did match his energy, I wasn’t super chasing in that sense. I was just direct and communcative. I hope that wasn’t bad and ruined things 😞
 

I keep having horrible thought about what if I just sat back and let him do it all, like not asking him on the second date, then maybe things would have worked out?

[LovelyRoses]

41 minutes ago, Tinydance said:

Yeah I was thinking all the same. Something just really doesn't add up to say that he was so intelligent, attractive, great, such good connection. But yet he wasn't even responding for days? I mean how can it be a connection when the other person isn't even acting interested. I know there's that saying "love is blind" but in this case it's was to the extreme 😞

In person, he would be really engaged, like caress my hands when we went to the theatre, his touch was intentional and gentle and lovely. He would ask deep questions. Tell me he felt like me and him really clicked. He commented on how fun I was to talk to because I’m quite quirky and things just flow. 
 

it’s just after the dates he took sverwl days to reply, sent long paragraphs but only once every few days. I thought it was just his personality and communication style and I did ask him about it and he said he’s not on his phone a lot and he hates how reliant we are on mobile phones and I shouldn’t read into it..

 

I just keep panicking that I ruined it by asking him on the second date, maybe it would have completely worked out if I myself was aloof and disinterested and didn’t intiate communciation or dates?

[Tinydance]

2 minutes ago, LovelyRoses said:

In person, he would be really engaged, like caress my hands when we went to the theatre, his touch was intentional and gentle and lovely. He would ask deep questions. Tell me he felt like me and him really clicked. He commented on how fun I was to talk to because I’m quite quirky and things just flow. 
 

it’s just after the dates he took sverwl days to reply, sent long paragraphs but only once every few days. I thought it was just his personality and communication style and I did ask him about it and he said he’s not on his phone a lot and he hates how reliant we are on mobile phones and I shouldn’t read into it..

 

I just keep panicking that I ruined it by asking him on the second date, maybe it would have completely worked out if I myself was aloof and disinterested and didn’t intiate communciation or dates?

I don't think that there's anything you can really do if someone just isn't into you. If they only chase you because you're ignoring them or they want sex, it's not the same as actually liking you. And in all honesty if you didn't keep asking him on dates, maybe he would have just dropped off. I'm sorry but I think he just wasn't interested. You were doing all the chasing and he was just going along with it. But as you said, he was putting in no effort. I don't think you did anything wrong. But what you should have done was just ditched him after the first couple of dates. 

[rainbowsandroses]

49 minutes ago, LovelyRoses said:

With him I held back. I did ask him on the second date but that’s because I waited 5 days and he hasn’t asked me yet.

^^Wait a second.  The man in your previous thread (that you created 2-3 weeks ago) also waited 5 days and when I asked you yesterday if it was the same man, you said no that it was a different man.

So both the man in your previous thread to whom you were also extremely attracted and this thread waited 5 days? 

Wow that's quite a coincidence.

At this point LR, I don't think you really care to consider any of our responses or to look within yourself or question/challenge your own choices and/or otherwise do anything to help yourself.

Just my sense, no disrespect.

So I'm gracefully bowing out and wish you the best. 

 

 

 

[LovelyRoses]

6 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

^^Wait a second.  The man in your previous thread (that you created 2-3 weeks ago) also waited 5 days and when I asked you yesterday if it was the same man, you said no that it was a different man.

So both the man in your previous thread to whom you were also extremely attracted and this thread waited 5 days? 

Wow that's quite a coincidence.

At this point LR, I don't think you really care to consider any of our responses or to look within yourself and question/challenge your own choices or otherwise do anything to help yourself.

Just my sense, no disrespect.

So I'm gracefully bowing out and wish you the best. 

 

 

 

No the man in my post last week, sent the first message and I replied and he took 5 days to reply

 

this guy took 5 days to message me after the first date

 

diffefrnt situations 

[LovelyRoses]

29 minutes ago, Tinydance said:

I don't think that there's anything you can really do if someone just isn't into you. If they only chase you because you're ignoring them or they want sex, it's not the same as actually liking you. And in all honesty if you didn't keep asking him on dates, maybe he would have just dropped off. I'm sorry but I think he just wasn't interested. You were doing all the chasing and he was just going along with it. But as you said, he was putting in no effort. I don't think you did anything wrong. But what you should have done was just ditched him after the first couple of dates. 

He put in some effort like cooked me dinner at his house one day. And there was one date where he booked and escape room and cheese and wine restaurant… but then after the date he texted me ‘thanks for coming, have a great week.’ And then he didn’t text me for 4 days. And then he went on holiday for 10 days and no text

[Tinydance]

42 minutes ago, LovelyRoses said:

He put in some effort like cooked me dinner at his house one day. And there was one date where he booked and escape room and cheese and wine restaurant… but then after the date he texted me ‘thanks for coming, have a great week.’ And then he didn’t text me for 4 days. And then he went on holiday for 10 days and no text

I think your standards are actually very low. I mean it's nice he cooked you dinner rather than just ordering fast food. But if he was going to cook for himself anyway then it actually wasn't that much effort to make some extra for you. Especially if he was going to get sex. And things like being affectionate on the date, stroking your knee, etc. That's physical so it's very likely in hopes of getting sex. I don't think you can equate someone getting handsy with you as an amazing connection.

[catfeeder]

On 8/31/2024 at 7:18 PM, LovelyRoses said:

I met a man and on our first date, I instantly felt the attraction. Very subtle nice feeling of butterflies.

This proves that the feeling can happen for you. Most people are NOT our match. That's not cynical, it's natural odds--for everyone. It's not even bad news, because you're not seeking quantity, so how else would you know if there might be potential with someone unless your attraction is rare?

The Cinderella story is timeless for a reason. The search for the right foot for those slippers was grueling and involved testing every single foot in the kingdom. But there's nobody running to doorsteps these days to see if you'll fit the right shoes. You'll need to get out there, instead. If you're not willing to take the hits and keep going with pride in your resilience, then you'll make the process so much more difficult for yourself than it 'must' be. 

Nobody's going to show up at your door. Finding your match requires an investment of your participation. You can make that easier or harder with your self talk--you get to pick. If you want to sink yourself with your mentality, you can do that. It's a self-fulfilling prophesy, and you will make it real. So you get to decide how important this is for you. If it's important enough, you'll leave the whining behind and make it your mission to keep meeting people until you find the right match.

Head high, you can do this.

[LovelyRoses]

6 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Still a bit confused as the timeline doesnt really add up LR.

The last post on your previous was August 18 (before my bumping it yesterday) and according you, you had not met this man yet.

So literally within 2 weeks time, you met this man, had six dates, with a 5 day lapse and 10 day lapse within a couple of those dates?

Unless I am missing something which surely I must be, timeline wise this simply is not possible.

I know I am totally quibbling LR so feel free to ignore me!  My intention is not to put you on the defense, it doesn't matter. 

Only to say that it's very difficult to give proper advice OR even an opinion when the narrative keeps changing, things an OP posts don't add up or make sense and/or they ignore/disregard the opinions/advice given.

I'm really sorry things didn't work out and you got hurt and truly hope that someday you will find your right path.

 

 

 

No this is a different guy. The guy in my last post didn’t go anywhere. I’m talking about the man I dated before him . The 6 dates were over a 3 months Period

[rainbowsandroses]

Just now, LovelyRoses said:

No this is a different guy. The guy in my last post didn’t go anywhere. I’m talking about the man I dated before him 

I see, okay thanks.  I'm going to delete my post, good luck. 

[LovelyRoses]

20 minutes ago, catfeeder said:

This proves that the feeling can happen for you. Most people are NOT our match. That's not cynical, it's natural odds--for everyone. It's not even bad news, because you're not seeking quantity, so how else would you know if there might be potential with someone unless your attraction is rare?

The Cinderella story is timeless for a reason. The search for the right foot for those slippers was grueling and involved testing every single foot in the kingdom. But there's nobody running to doorsteps these days to see if you'll fit the right shoes. You'll need to get out there, instead. If you're not willing to take the hits and keep going with pride in your resilience, then you'll make the process so much more difficult for yourself than it 'must' be. 

Nobody's going to show up at your door. Finding your match requires an investment of your participation. You can make that easier or harder with your self talk--you get to pick. If you want to sink yourself with your mentality, you can do that. It's a self-fulfilling prophesy, and you will make it real. So you get to decide how important this is for you. If it's important enough, you'll leave the whining behind and make it your mission to keep meeting people until you find the right match.

Head high, you can do this.

My attraction is rare though, that’s why it’s hard 

[catfeeder]

Just now, LovelyRoses said:

My attraction is rare though, that’s why it’s hard 

It's supposed to be rare. If it were not rare, what would be so special about it?

[LovelyRoses]

11 minutes ago, catfeeder said:

It's supposed to be rare. If it were not rare, what would be so special about it?

Most people I know are attracted to more people so they are more relaxed about dating. Whilst I feel atttaction very rarely and in an all or nothing way.

 

people say the guy I was dating probably was sleeping around, and obviously it can’t be that rare if he was doing that and now he found a new woman. 

[catfeeder]

31 minutes ago, LovelyRoses said:

Most people I know are attracted to more people so they are more relaxed about dating. Whilst I feel atttaction very rarely and in an all or nothing way.

Stop comparing yourself to others, it's a way of positioning yourself to always come up short in one way or another. Discernment about who attracts you is nothing to feel inadequate about. It's a form of confidence that your self talk can opt to respect--or not.

Quote

...people say the guy I was dating probably was sleeping around, and obviously it can’t be that rare if he was doing that and now he found a new woman. 

The guy is irrelevant. You both explored an initial attraction and learned that you are not a match. And it may not be the last time that happens. You can torture yourself about that, or you can move forward to look for a better match.

If every athlete allowed a loss to do to their head what you are doing to yours, they'd all hang up their sport and sit home and watch Netflix while bemoaning their inability to overcome the mental impacts from ALL opponents.

Let what 'people say' squelch your optimism and corner you into stagnation, or bust past that noise to find your match.

Head high.

[Batya33]

Good old fashioned rule of thumb -with the right guy by the time you even have a real thought of -hmmm is he gonna call and ask me out again -he is  calling! With extremely rare exception and taking account for the other basic truth "everyone is an individual".  And in the Olden Days in the 70s and 80s those guys called landlines till they reached you or your momma.

[rainbowsandroses]

1 hour ago, LovelyRoses said:

Whilst I feel atttaction very rarely and in an all or nothing way.

^^Exactly.

There are different levels of attraction. 

There is initial attraction and interest wherein two people date to determine IF it could become more than that, something with "legs" that might pass the test of time. 

It often doesn't after which they part ways and continue their search. 

It would appear you skip that and dive right into what can only be described IMO as "obsessions."  As you said all or nothing ..... from the getgo! 

To the point when you feel it, your entire existence hinges on whether or not he responds to a text in a timely manner (according to you) or gives you the proper attention and validation.

Even after it ends, you continue to obsess, stalk SM and otherwise unable to let go and move on. Like now.

LR, you posted this earlier.

"I’m very weird and quirky and if a man isn’t autistic, they don’t get my vibe so yeh I can’t tone myself down."

Are you also autistic?  I don't know, just asking based in this comment.

If so, this might possibly explain why none of what anyone is posting is registering with you imo.  On previous threads as well as they all have the same theme pretty much. 

Possibly. 

And all the more reason to seek professional help to help you navigate the standard social cues and nuances that occur in "normal" dating experiences and relationships.

None of us here as far as I know are psychologists or medical doctors so jmo but properly advising you may be beyond our level of knowledge and expertise.

Just a suggestion and my opinion as always. 

[LovelyRoses]

14 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

^^Exactly.

There are different levels of attraction. 

There is initial attraction and interest wherein two people date to determine IF it could become more than that, something with "legs" that might pass the test of time. 

It often doesn't after which they part ways and continue their search. 

It would appear you skip that and dive right into what can only be described IMO as "obsessions."  As you said all or nothing ..... from the getgo! 

To the point when you feel it, your entire existence hinges on whether or not he responds to a text in a timely manner (according to you) or gives you the proper attention and validation.

Even after it ends, you continue to obsess, stalk SM and otherwise unable to let go and move on. Like now.

LR, you posted this earlier.

"I’m very weird and quirky and if a man isn’t autistic, they don’t get my vibe so yeh I can’t tone myself down."

Are you also autistic?  I don't know, just asking based in this comment.

If so, this might possibly explain why none of what anyone is posting is registering with you imo.  On previous threads as well as they all have the same theme pretty much. 

Possibly. 

And all the more reason to seek professional help to help you navigate the standard social cues and nuances that occur in "normal" dating experiences and relationships.

None of us here as far as I know are psychologists or medical doctors so jmo but properly advising you may be beyond our level of knowledge and expertise.

Just a suggestion and my opinion as always. 

It’s very common for girls to obsess over boys in dating when the man is inconsistent. It’s about attachment style 

 

no I’m actually not autistic myself. I have ocd but it’s medicated but not autistic and do very well socially. I’m told I’m very confident and I feel it too. I’m just quirky, but not autistic

 

 

[rainbowsandroses]

3 minutes ago, LovelyRoses said:

It's,very common for girls to obsess over boys in dating when the man is inconsistent. It’s about attachment style 

Well, you're 28 not a teenager and at some point most "girls" get over that. 

With respect to attachment style, yours is unhealthy imo and my earlier opinion regarding seeking therapy still stands. 

[LovelyRoses]

36 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Good old fashioned rule of thumb -with the right guy by the time you even have a real thought of -hmmm is he gonna call and ask me out again -he is  calling! With extremely rare exception and taking account for the other basic truth "everyone is an individual".  And in the Olden Days in the 70s and 80s those guys called landlines till they reached you or your momma.

Yes and I appreciate that, except with this guy I was navigating the fact that he took several days to reply, but toward the end of the week would always ask me on the next date or at least suggest meeting in the early stages. So I didn’t know if that was normal or disinterest or normal healthy dating. A TikTok dating coach talked about how texting doesn’t indicate level of interest and hence I did try to relax about it, I just never knew when he would reply next.

 

Coupled with him on dates being very interested, asking questions, telling me he feels we get along so well, introducing me to his friends, telling his friends he wants to date me long term….

 

then lack of communication after the date, surely any lady would be confused that’s why I beat myself up and worry what I did wrong. If I replied to quickly or I shouldn’t have asked him on dates myself or if I should have bee. More affectionate and soppy over text 

[LovelyRoses]

Just now, rainbowsandroses said:

Well, you're 28 not a teenager and at some point most "girls" get over that. 

With respect to attachment style, yours is unhealthy imo and my earlier opinion regarding seeking therapy still stands. 

I have a therapist, she’s just not helpful when it comes to relationships but she’s helped with confidence, my ocd etc.

and no a lot of my friends also get anxious when men don’t reply and are hot and cold. That’s why men breadcrumbing is so so so confusing. You get excited and your hopes up that there’s something there, and then they disappear again. That’s what I was up against and it was so hard at the time.

 

I actually decided I was going to dump him myself but my friends and family said I was jumping to conclusions too quickly and he was probably taking things slow. But my gut very strongly told me something was wrong 

 

I just wish I knew what I did wrong. I never showed anxiety or insecurity. He always told me I was very confident and he liked my bluntness and directness. I’ll never make sense of a man telling me he sees a long term thing with me, that he’s glad to have met me and then not texting after saying those things on the date after meeting all his friends 

[rainbowsandroses]

9 minutes ago, LovelyRoses said:

and no a lot of my friends also get anxious when men don’t reply and are hot and cold.

^Of course, as do I !!

I have actually been diagnosed with GAD (general anxiety disorder) and can become anxious about many things. 

With men who are hot and cold or otherwise leave me feeling "less than," difference is I don't stick around waiting for him to toss me a crumb occasionally.

I leave and move on which I surely would have done in this situation.  Before the sixth date and before having sex! 

Anyway, you do you LR, hope it all works out for  ya.

 

 

[MissCanuck]

38 minutes ago, LovelyRoses said:

I just wish I knew what I did wrong. I never showed anxiety or insecurity. He always told me I was very confident and he liked my bluntness and directness. I’ll never make sense of a man telling me he sees a long term thing with me,

Exactly. You'll never make sense of it, so it's time to stop rumiating. 

You've already gone around and around in circles over this guy across several threads now. What does it serve you to do it again here? 

That's a sincere question, by the way. What do you get from repeating the same things about him? 

[LovelyRoses]

Just now, MissCanuck said:

Exactly. You'll never make sense of it, so it's time to stop rumiating. 

You've already gone around and around in circles over this guy across several threads now. What does it serve you to do it again here? 

That's a sincere question, by the way. What do you get from repeating the same things about him? 

Just wanna know what I did wrong. Like understanding if I’m not feminine energy enough, or messed up by asking him on a date. And to understand why men act like they like you on dates and then after the date pull away

 

and now he’s found a woman, a lady who has kids and I don’t know how they’re a good fit, when his main hobby is constantly travelling. 

[MissCanuck]

But what does this have to do with your concerns about not feeling attraction to most other men? (and thus the the topic of this thread)

[LovelyRoses]

2 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

But what does this have to do with your concerns about not feeling attraction to most other men? (and thus the the topic of this thread)

Because I feel like I lost out on the one man I’m attracted to, it feels like such a joke as I feel attraction so rarely and when I do, something like this happens