I’m worried I’m incapable of ever feeling attraction ever again

[LootieTootie]

53 minutes ago, LovelyRoses said:

I just wish I could knock someone’s socks off and I really don’t know how 

Because you haven't met him yet. 

54 minutes ago, LovelyRoses said:

...but then there’s some women like the girl he dates now, who seem to get pursued left right and centre. Like this girl was engaged to be married at the start of the year. But somehow manages to find a partner (the guy I dated) just a few months after her breakup 

Not everyone is on the same road, and thats why it's important not to compare yourself to others. 

55 minutes ago, LovelyRoses said:

I feel like I could meet the right man but then they don’t like me as I’m completely flat chested. This guy I dated said he was more a boob guy too but liked my bum , I’ve always worried being flat chested is the reason I’m single. The new girl he dates has large ones and it makes me worry I’m not feminine to date 

Again, don't compare yourself to others. You will spiral in to a self-pity rabbit hole that is very detrimental to your mental health - which will also affect your chances of finding a good match.

Really think about taking time off dating so you can focus on you. Do you have active hobbies or creative extracurricular activities you enjoy doing on your own or with friends/friends? 

[ShySoul]

1 hour ago, LovelyRoses said:

I know and I appreciate that. It’s just I’m really struggling with the idea I’ve never ‘knocked someone’s socks off’ but then there’s some women like the girl he dates now, who seem to get pursued left right and centre. Like this girl was engaged to be married at the start of the year. But somehow manages to find a partner (the guy I dated) just a few months after her breakup 

I feel like I could meet the right man but then they don’t like me as I’m completely flat chested. This guy I dated said he was more a boob guy too but liked my bum , I’ve always worried being flat chested is the reason I’m single. The new girl he dates has large ones and it makes me worry I’m not feminine to date 

Any guy that would be interested or not based on a girls chest is exactly what he claims to like... a boob. He's not worth the time, energy or consideration.

There are men who prefer larger. There are men who prefer smaller. Most just like the whole genre.  That should not be a factor on if a person is interested in you or a mark of your value and worth. Physcial appearance is an illusion, a shell and is not who we are as people.

A person should care about you for who you are inside. And from what I can tell, that is a caring, emotional, and sensitive soul who values deeper things and meanings. 

Other people's relationship status doesn't matter. Someone can have a hundred dates, several relationships, and still be just as alone and empty inside. But when someone like you finally finds the right person who can see how amazing you are, when you have that bond you are striving for, it will be better then you can imagine. You just have to find a way to hold on until it happens.

[Batya33]

You don't do anything to knock someone's socks off in the sense you are saying.  But you make yourself available for a relationship in general.  You are not available right now because you are doing many things to get in your own way and lie to yourself about what is and is not available to you.  You won't meet anyone potentiallyy suitable by chasing after unavailable men, wasting tons of time online typing and talking, telling yourself it's a good idea to have casual sex to get to know each other's bodies (casual sex is fine between consenting adults but you were dishonest with yourself about your expectations of having sex with him) - that time was diverted from being proactively out there to meet people and potentially single available men.

Men who preferred big breasts didn't ask me out since I lack those -except when I was pregnant.  That was kinda fun! - Men who wanted to wait a couple of years before trying to have kids didn't want to be with me after I was a certain age. So what? I didn't date men who were obese (with one exception) or who chose to wear their hair long/tattos/piercings -all of that was a dealbreaker for dating.  Most people have preferences/dealbreakers of some sort when it comes to dating and -so do you, right?

I'd take some of the advice and input here about how to stop getting in your own way which then will help you be available to a man who might be available and into you!

[ShySoul]

With respect to anyone else's opinions, I don't think you need to "get over yourself." I don't think you have too high an opinion of yourself or want to be pitied. I think you are acting from a place of deep hurt and lonliness. When you've never had the very thing you crave most, when you seemingly see everyone around you having it so easily and treating it so casually, it stings. You question yourself, wondering what is wrong with you. You compare yourself to others and wonder what they have that you don't. It doesn't seem right or fair. 

This becomes a vicious cycle of recrimination. It's a death spiral that you can't break free of as one bad thought leads to the next. And being told to "get over yourself" or to just stop only serves to make you feel worse about yourself. It reinforces that something is wrong with you and that you are the problem. Which continues the cycle of negativity in your mind.

If anything, I think you need to embrace yourself. You should focus on your strengths and the things that you like about yourself. Do things that make you happy. Enjoy life for you and no one else. Recognize how great you are without needing the validation of others. Don't feel you need to change or be anything other then who you are. Anyone who isn't swept off their feet by you is missing out. Take pride in every part of you and see you are beautiful exactly as you are.

If you fully love yourself and enjoy being with you, then the lonliness won't drag you down (at least as much). If you are having fun doing your own thing, then the hurt won't be as intense.

I've been where you are at, having all the same kind of thoughts. This is what helped pull me up. Hope you can feel better as well.

[Batya33]

18 minutes ago, ShySoul said:

I don't think you need to "get over yourself." I don't think you have too high an opinion of yourself or want to be pitied.

I was referring to specifically her musings on why this guy chose this other woman for now to date. I think she should get over that his choices after a few dates with her has anything to do with her personally or any flaws or deficiencies in her.  When I met someone a couple of times my memory of them typically faded really fast and with rare exception had nothing to do with who I chose next.

[rainbowsandroses]

19 minutes ago, ShySoul said:

With respect to anyone else's opinions, I don't think you need to "get over yourself." 

I don't think you have too high an opinion of yourself..

Fwiw I don't either and it's not what I meant at all.

I said what I think in my post, which is my opinion as to why by her own admission she's unable to maintain a man's attraction.

It's the constant focus on the negative and the self pity which is rather obvious at this point. 

And unless and until you change your mindset Roses, nothing is ever going to change.

Change starts with you. 

I really do wish you the very best. 

 

 

[LovelyRoses]

1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

I was referring to specifically her musings on why this guy chose this other woman for now to date. I think she should get over that his choices after a few dates with her has anything to do with her personally or any flaws or deficiencies in her.  When I met someone a couple of times my memory of them typically faded really fast and with rare exception had nothing to do with who I chose next.

What I mean is every time I like a guy or get the opportunity to date a guy, after they end things they always find an actual girlfriend. Like it’s happened like 10 times. It’s why I didn’t date for years before I met him as I was fed up and scared of it happening and then it happened again. Where as the girls they go to, have no problems finding love 

 

even dated a guy who seemed to adore me. Took me a while to open up to him as he convinced me it was safe to do so. I spoke of how I’m nervous to date and he actually reassured me it wouldn’t be the same with him. Only for him to leave me and now he’s found a wife and he told me he never loved me and only was with me as he was lonely 

[LovelyRoses]

1 hour ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Fwiw I don't either and it's not what I meant at all.

I said what I think in my post, which is my opinion as to why by her own admission she's unable to maintain a man's attraction.

It's the constant focus on the negative and the self pity which is rather obvious at this point. 

And unless and until you change your mindset Roses, nothing is ever going to change.

Change starts with you. 

I really do wish you the very best. 

 

 

When I date a guy though, I’m not a negative person. I don’t speak of any insecurities or even behave insecure, I just kinda keep my walls up until I feel it’s safe to drop them. They never came down with this last guy I think as he was so hot and cold

 

i dated a guy briefly a few years ago. He liked me first and pursued me and I opened up about how I’m nervous to date and be hurt. He reassured me he was a nice guy. But even he dumped me and said he never loved me but dated me as he was lonely, when he was the one that managed to make me open up. I was so open with him 

 

then when I met this last guy, I was very closed off. He wanted to ask about my past relationships and I told him I didn’t want to talk about them and I want to focus on the past. I did say ‘I was very hurt by the last one and it’s taken time to heal and feel ready to date again.’ Which was true.

[MissCanuck]

You need to delete this last guy off your social media. 

You are spending too much time looking at his stuff, trying to piece together who he is dating, comparing yourself to her, making note of when he's online - STOP. 

You are doing yourself zero favours here, and keeping yourself stuck in the past. 

[yogacat]

2 hours ago, ShySoul said:

With respect to anyone else's opinions, I don't think you need to "get over yourself." I don't think you have too high an opinion of yourself or want to be pitied. I think you are acting from a place of deep hurt and lonliness. When you've never had the very thing you crave most, when you seemingly see everyone around you having it so easily and treating it so casually, it stings. You question yourself, wondering what is wrong with you. You compare yourself to others and wonder what they have that you don't. It doesn't seem right or fair. 

This becomes a vicious cycle of recrimination. It's a death spiral that you can't break free of as one bad thought leads to the next. And being told to "get over yourself" or to just stop only serves to make you feel worse about yourself. It reinforces that something is wrong with you and that you are the problem. Which continues the cycle of negativity in your mind.

If anything, I think you need to embrace yourself. You should focus on your strengths and the things that you like about yourself. Do things that make you happy. Enjoy life for you and no one else. Recognize how great you are without needing the validation of others. Don't feel you need to change or be anything other then who you are. Anyone who isn't swept off their feet by you is missing out. Take pride in every part of you and see you are beautiful exactly as you are.

If you fully love yourself and enjoy being with you, then the lonliness won't drag you down (at least as much). If you are having fun doing your own thing, then the hurt won't be as intense.

I've been where you are at, having all the same kind of thoughts. This is what helped pull me up. Hope you can feel better as well.

Agree.

I think she is struggling with something very real and very crippling for her and is reaching out for help.

Of course, one never wants to enable someone but @LovelyRoses you've been receptive to varied advice and you are trying, it's not like you're not going on dates, it's just you have difficulty being attracted to men and the ones that have been attracted to you are overly attracted to your looks.

I get it, it has been similar for me, and I am sure for a lot of other people. I almost think it's going to take a strong man to get you to come out of your shell a bit. That can be tough, because you might not be attracting men with the most sincere intentions. That's an unfortunate reality of dating.

Another possibility it could be that because you've been broken up with in the past and subsequently closed off, the men that are most sincere and possibly the most compatible are not even getting a chance with a closed off version of you, they simply don't warrant the investment from you (again because of the need to protect yourself). That can make meeting a truly compatible guy all the more difficult is all I'm saying.

I think you've nothing to worry about if you just keep on keeping on going out on dates with men you find interesting and whom are attracted to you. You've reported about half the time not being attracted to these people so you could be doing a lot worse – men are receptive to you it's just they either don't have enough of what makes you tick or you can't get past the attraction stage with them because it doesn't feel safe. All of that is perfectly valid and understandable frankly.

One thing is other than remaining openminded and going out on dates –I think you could benefit from some work self examination. What are the root causes of that past.

So far you haven't mentioned the chemistry so that's a good thing in my book, it could be that as you become more relaxed going out on dates this could change. You might not have it for every date but you might have it with some dates. Just keep at it and remain open to learning or adjusting how you react on dates pain and how does it inform the way you interact now, even in subtle ways? It could be worth talking to someone about the difficulties in opening up and perhaps they could enable you to peel away at some of the layers and work on giving past pain less power over you.

[LovelyRoses]

4 minutes ago, yogacat said:

Agree.

I think she is struggling with something very real and very crippling for her and is reaching out for help.

Of course, one never wants to enable someone but @LovelyRoses you've been receptive to varied advice and you are trying, it's not like you're not going on dates, it's just you have difficulty being attracted to men and the ones that have been attracted to you are overly attracted to your looks.

I get it, it has been similar for me, and I am sure for a lot of other people. I almost think it's going to take a strong man to get you to come out of your shell a bit. That can be tough, because you might not be attracting men with the most sincere intentions. That's an unfortunate reality of dating.

Another possibility it could be that because you've been broken up with in the past and subsequently closed off, the men that are most sincere and possibly the most compatible are not even getting a chance with a closed off version of you, they simply don't warrant the investment from you (again because of the need to protect yourself). That can make meeting a truly compatible guy all the more difficult is all I'm saying.

Yes and I’ve had my walls up before, it just takes time for a man to allow me to go into a comfortable space where I can let them down. The last guy I dated in my post, I never really brought my walls down, but he kept me distant too. I used to feel awful that I was the one asking him on the dates and then when we went on them, I felt awkwsrd  and unsure if he only came out of politeness. Although he was very lovely and kind and mature and intelligent and it felt so reassuring that I was starting to like someone again but now here I am. Argh I hate it. 
 

I am on the dating apps and I send messages to the ones that say they are seeking relationships and life partners, but those ones never ever reply, which is really weird and  I don’t know why

[yogacat]

1 minute ago, LovelyRoses said:

Yes and I’ve had my walls up before, it just takes time for a man to allow me to go into a comfortable space where I can let them down. The last guy I dated in my post, I never really brought my walls down, but he kept me distant too. I used to feel awful that I was the one asking him on the dates and then when we went on them, I felt awkwsrd  and unsure if he only came out of politeness. Argh I hate it. 
 

I am on the dating apps and I send messages to the ones that say they are seeking relationships and life partners, but those ones never ever reply, which is really weird and  I don’t know why

You quoted me after I had time to edit so I just want to say too:

I think you've nothing to worry about if you just keep on keeping on going out on dates with men you find interesting and whom are attracted to you. You've reported about half the time not being attracted to these people so you could be doing a lot worse – men are receptive to you it's just they either don't have enough of what makes you tick or you can't get past the attraction stage with them because it doesn't feel safe. All of that is perfectly valid and understandable frankly.

One thing is other than remaining openminded and going out on dates –I think you could benefit from some work self examination. What are the root causes of that past.

So far you haven't mentioned the chemistry so that's a good thing in my book, it could be that as you become more relaxed going out on dates this could change. You might not have it for every date but you might have it with some dates. Just keep at it and remain open to learning or adjusting how you react on dates pain and how does it inform the way you interact now, even in subtle ways?

It could be worth talking to someone about the difficulties in opening up and perhaps they could enable you to peel away at some of the layers and work on giving past pain less power over you.

[LovelyRoses]

7 minutes ago, yogacat said:

You quoted me after I had time to edit so I just want to say too:

I think you've nothing to worry about if you just keep on keeping on going out on dates with men you find interesting and whom are attracted to you. You've reported about half the time not being attracted to these people so you could be doing a lot worse – men are receptive to you it's just they either don't have enough of what makes you tick or you can't get past the attraction stage with them because it doesn't feel safe. All of that is perfectly valid and understandable frankly.

One thing is other than remaining openminded and going out on dates –I think you could benefit from some work self examination. What are the root causes of that past.

So far you haven't mentioned the chemistry so that's a good thing in my book, it could be that as you become more relaxed going out on dates this could change. You might not have it for every date but you might have it with some dates. Just keep at it and remain open to learning or adjusting how you react on dates pain and how does it inform the way you interact now, even in subtle ways?

It could be worth talking to someone about the difficulties in opening up and perhaps they could enable you to peel away at some of the layers and work on giving past pain less power over you.

I don’t feel nervous to go on dates, I just don’t even feel attracted to men’s photos on the apps. Like it’s very very rare. The last guy I dated, I was smitten from his photos, like absolutely so excited and I look for that feeling but can’t find it. I go on dates to give men a chance but the attraction is never there on my part. That’s why I worry I’ve lost my last chance. Why I feel attracted to men’s pictures so rarely and sometimes when I do find someone atttavtive, they just send dry messages that don’t spark my interest 

 

the girl he’s moved onto is so incredibly lucky because he was the most intelligent curious man, with the most amazing mind and creativity. I couldn’t help feel so much desire for him and no other man even tries half as much as he did,. Men just expect to rock up to a date, have a drink and expect me to desire them but they put no effort into creating that spark 

[ShySoul]

2 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Fwiw I don't either and it's not what I meant at all.

Didn't think it was and I know that you're trying to help. Agree with you a lot.

Was just pointing out that the even if the intent is good, that's not often what people feel when they hear certain words like that. And given how deep in her hurt she is, it might be taken the wrong way.

[ShySoul]

3 minutes ago, LovelyRoses said:

Why I feel attracted to men’s pictures so rarely and sometimes when I do find someone atttavtive, they just send dry messages that don’t spark my interest 

As yogacat said, that's the reality of dating and apps. Finding that spark is difficult.

You are someone who is focused on the inner world. That isn't the focus for most people or the priority on a lot of apps or dates. That physical attraction is rare. To find someone who matches physically, who puts in the effort and with whom you can really have a deep connection with - that doesn't just come along easily. 

I don't think something is wrong with you. The only thing that you are doing that is hurting you is in fixating too much on something being wrong with you. It isn't about you. It isn't about these other guys. It's that you have had poor luck and timing. The people you are matching with aren't the right kind of people for you. And that is a problem many of us have. It's certainly an issue I've had.

The more you dwell on it, the more you will go into this cycle of feeling bad. You're posts are repeating the same issues you have with yourself. You are allowing the same negative thoughts to repeat in your head over and over. As long as you do that, you will never be able to break free of them. 

Start small. Find something you like about yourself. Do something fun just for you. If finding a relationship is getting you down, don't focus on relationships. Life is more then that. Get yourself in a more positive mindset and that alone can help you feel better and is bound to lead to attraction somewhere down the road.

[Batya33]

5 hours ago, LovelyRoses said:

What I mean is every time I like a guy or get the opportunity to date a guy, after they end things they always find an actual girlfriend. Like it’s happened like 10 times. It’s why I didn’t date for years before I met him as I was fed up and scared of it happening and then it happened again. Where as the girls they go to, have no problems finding love 

 

even dated a guy who seemed to adore me. Took me a while to open up to him as he convinced me it was safe to do so. I spoke of how I’m nervous to date and he actually reassured me it wouldn’t be the same with him. Only for him to leave me and now he’s found a wife and he told me he never loved me and only was with me as he was lonely 

I'm sure it happened to me at least 10 times over the years and I'm sure I often didn't know about it. It's called life and dating -dating is hard/life is unfair.  I don't think there's a connection other than you are keeping score and using it as an excuse not to get back out there.  You make broad negative generalizations and it's one way you're getting in your own way.  I got pregnant at almost 42 and married at 42 -we knew we should try to conceive prior to marriage and we delayed the wedding date because we were long distance on and off.  So if I had been like you I'd have given up long before -many of my friends got married in their 20s and 30s -so like 10-15 years before I did - I was so jealous sometimes of how easy it seemed for others to find the right person, get married, have a child etc.  And it seemed- seemed -so much harder for me and seemed so unfair.    

How long did you date the man who "left you" - it was mean of him to say what he said.  So you dodged a bullet.  Don't let people "convince you" - you be your own person and you decide with head and heart how much you want to open up to a new person, how to get to know someone at a reasonable pace -in person -over time - and don't try to convince someone to be with you or be "convinced" by someone to think one way or another.

You don't know the "girls they go to" personally, right? You're assuming all this stuff and I think it's to confirm to yourself that somehow you're not worthy of meeting suitable men to date - so it's self-sabotaging.  That's a shame.  You seem to want to meet someone to marry -and if that is your goal why sabotage with all these silly assumptions? Sure take a short break - have like a 5-10 minute pity party a day -focused time - to get all down on dating etc then get up brush off the boo boo and live your life and get back out there.

My son delighted in the peanut butter and jelly sandwich I made him today with one of these dessert type yogurt cups as a side. Full of compliments for "the chef".  He's 15.  Maybe -like - count your small blessings once a day -like 3 small or big things that went well that day? I do that and it's not about forcing yourself to think positively -just a small step of attitude is gratitude - just 3 things you are thankful for.  Maybe before you go to sleep.  Can you start there to start to chip away at all this rumination over made up "I'll never find a man/they always go to other girls and marry them/they lie/they make me feel like I can be safe then they leave" story you are tellng yourself? Cause it's not true not even a little bit -it's your spin on things and I think -FWIW it's a foolish way to spin it. 

[Tinydance]

So what I'm wondering is how do you know that ten guys you dated found a partner? If at least some of them were guys from online dating then why did you keep in touch with them after it ended? I mean, how else would you know they found a partner? So you either continue to keep in touch or you're stalking their social media, right? Why do you do that? This is what keeps giving you this impression that something is wrong with you.

I'm sure many people I dated found a partner. I know for a fact some even got married, had kids, etc. I think it's a normal part of life though. I've gone on dates with many people and if it didn't work out then yes I met someone else and got a new partner. So did they.

Surely not all those ten guys found a partner immediately after things ended with you? Maybe some got a partner soon after but it's just luck. For example my best friend went on dates with only 5 - 6 guys from online dating and then found her husband. She's been with him for like 17 years now. But I never even really had a serious relationship with someone I met purely through online dating. It's just about people's chemistry and that they happen to meet at that time.

I'm not minimising that you felt really strongly about this guy. You are allowed to feel sad and cry. And as time goes on you will be moving on. He has moved on as well but that doesn't mean that something is wrong with you. He just didn't fall for you so he found someone else. It's exactly the same as when you went on dates with all the other guys and you didn't find them attractive. But someone else probably did.

Where are you meeting guys? Do you use only online dating or you meet them in real life too? If you don't find many people physically attractive from online dating then I'd recommend trying to meet guys in person. The thing is, online people might not have flattering photos or maybe you just don't see if you could find them attractive. For example, if you met them in person you might like their smile, laugh, body language. You can't see that online. And you never met them so you actually have no idea if you have a click.

I'd recommend going to Meetup, classes, out with friends, Facebook social groups, etc. Don't put pressure on yourself to meet a guy but just go there to meet people in general and to enjoy the activities. Maybe once you start getting to know some of the guys, you'll begin to like them because you like WHO they are. 

[LovelyRoses]

8 hours ago, Tinydance said:

So what I'm wondering is how do you know that ten guys you dated found a partner? If at least some of them were guys from online dating then why did you keep in touch with them after it ended? I mean, how else would you know they found a partner? So you either continue to keep in touch or you're stalking their social media, right? Why do you do that? This is what keeps giving you this impression that something is wrong with you.

I'm sure many people I dated found a partner. I know for a fact some even got married, had kids, etc. I think it's a normal part of life though. I've gone on dates with many people and if it didn't work out then yes I met someone else and got a new partner. So did they.

Surely not all those ten guys found a partner immediately after things ended with you? Maybe some got a partner soon after but it's just luck. For example my best friend went on dates with only 5 - 6 guys from online dating and then found her husband. She's been with him for like 17 years now. But I never even really had a serious relationship with someone I met purely through online dating. It's just about people's chemistry and that they happen to meet at that time.

I'm not minimising that you felt really strongly about this guy. You are allowed to feel sad and cry. And as time goes on you will be moving on. He has moved on as well but that doesn't mean that something is wrong with you. He just didn't fall for you so he found someone else. It's exactly the same as when you went on dates with all the other guys and you didn't find them attractive. But someone else probably did.

Where are you meeting guys? Do you use only online dating or you meet them in real life too? If you don't find many people physically attractive from online dating then I'd recommend trying to meet guys in person. The thing is, online people might not have flattering photos or maybe you just don't see if you could find them attractive. For example, if you met them in person you might like their smile, laugh, body language. You can't see that online. And you never met them so you actually have no idea if you have a click.

I'd recommend going to Meetup, classes, out with friends, Facebook social groups, etc. Don't put pressure on yourself to meet a guy but just go there to meet people in general and to enjoy the activities. Maybe once you start getting to know some of the guys, you'll begin to like them because you like WHO they are. 

I posted on another forum and a poster said that the reason men don’t treat me right is I’m not worth the effort 

The man I dated confirmed dates at the last minute, took several days to reply, never actually put effort into planning fun dates , I had to book and plan the things. And I’m sad about that.he never even texted me to check I got home safe 

 

whilst the new girl he dates, I can see him taking her on romantic dates. She shared a post listing all the things he does for her. One of them is ‘he always checks I get home safe ♥️’. Why did I get a completely different experience? Like that poster said on the other forum, maybe it does truly mean I’m not worth it. 

[Batya33]

5 minutes ago, LovelyRoses said:

I posted on another forum and a poster said that the reason men don’t treat me right is I’m not worth the effort 

The man I dated confirmed dates at the last minute, took several days to reply, never actually put effort into planning fun dates , I had to book and plan the things. And I’m sad about that.he never even texted me to check I got home safe 

 

whilst the new girl he dates, I can see him taking her on romantic dates. She shared a post listing all the things he does for her. One of them is ‘he always checks I get home safe ♥️’. Why did I get a completely different experience? Like that poster said on the other forum, maybe it does truly mean I’m not worth it. 

So now you're listening to a rude stranger?

You have no idea how they interact -for all you know she is married and or it's partly a business transaction or they are truly in love -my friend posts photos of romantic dates and lovely vacations with her partner and their two kids or alone.  I know he's cheated on her twice, they divorced and they're together again but not remarried because she doesn't trust him.  I have many friends in happy relationships and marriages, many over the years who met their person and right away they were serious and one of them had recently stopped dating someone else (I was one of those people).  Never assume especially about a man you only dated a short time.  Comparison in the thief of joy but here on top of that you're comparing to made up stuff in your own pretty head.  What a waste of time and stomach acid.

How about this story -maybe it resonates.  In my early 30s I went on one or two dates with a man I met at a singles event,  I planned on seeing him again.  I went to a singles event after that date and there was a platonic male friend of mine, B.  B and I had dated in the past.  B asked me if I would please dance with him to make his ex girlfriend jealous who happened to be at the event -so I did -nothing PDA but we probably danced close enough.

A few days later I went out again with the first guy.  He told me he told me he'd seen me dancing with B at the event (I had no idea he was there) he left the event really upset and went out and got drunk.  OK.  So this is a man I'd dated twice- who assumed I was with another guy -never came over to say hi at this event and then reacted by getting drunk.  Really?? Don't be like that guy.  Not if you eventually want to meet the right person for you,  JMHO.

[LovelyRoses]

1 minute ago, Batya33 said:

So now you're listening to a rude stranger?

You have no idea how they interact -for all you know she is married and or it's partly a business transaction or they are truly in love -my friend posts photos of romantic dates and lovely vacations with her partner and their two kids or alone.  I know he's cheated on her twice, they divorced and they're together again but not remarried because she doesn't trust him.  I have many friends in happy relationships and marriages, many over the years who met their person and right away they were serious and one of them had recently stopped dating someone else (I was one of those people).  Never assume especially about a man you only dated a short time.  Comparison in the thief of joy but here on top of that you're comparing to made up stuff in your own pretty head.  What a waste of time and stomach acid.

It’s just she’s posting things like ‘he’s the most thoughtful caring communicative man, so caring.’ I didn’t get any of that, with me he was leaving me in the dark about the dates the following day, taking days to reply, making me leave early in the morning. Despite being into me on dates and I’m so embarrassed as it’s the most attention a man has ever given me so I don’t know better. What if it means I don’t have feminine energy so men don’t want to chase me, or I have an unknown bad vibe or something 

[Batya33]

Just now, LovelyRoses said:

It’s just she’s posting things like ‘he’s the most thoughtful caring communicative man, so caring.’ I didn’t get any of that, with me he was leaving me in the dark about the dates the following day, taking days to reply, making me leave early in the morning. Despite being into me on dates and I’m so embarrassed as it’s the most attention a man has ever given me so I don’t know better. What if it means I don’t have feminine energy so men don’t want to chase me, or I have an unknown bad vibe or something 

Right so you believe all you read? My friends post gushy happy anniversaries to husbands they are incredibly upset with and thinking of leaving. You say you are an intelligent woman right? Does that seem intelligent to read what one stranger writes about a person you knew for a short while? Maybe she absolutely has that impression but you have no idea where it's coming from.  Because she is a stranger.  You ask why you are unhappily single? Your choices -read your post -is one reason why - finding the right person very often requires your head -common sense -and heart -emotions -a balance of the two - a mix- what you are posting makes no sense and it's tainting your energy, your aura, and -you in general.  If somoene forced me to post publicly about my husband on social media -personal stuff I mean (I don't, ever -no way) - do you think I would share how he snores? How sometimes he prioritizes his word games, baseball game, texting with his friends -over me? How he doesn't get rid of his leftovers in the fridge and I get frustrated? Come on.  I might not gush but no way would I present the good the bad and the ugly on Facebook or the like.  Nor would he. 

More power to all the braggers and gushers-in my life experience people who are truly happy in their romantic relationships rarely if ever gush and rarely on social media -they will tell you all is "fine" even if it's wonderful.  They feel secure enough in their happiness they don't need external accolades and petting from the social media crowd.  Some of them are just so into social media AND being truthful and are bursting with love -totally cool.  What you're doing is toxic to yourself.

[Tinydance]

23 minutes ago, LovelyRoses said:

I posted on another forum and a poster said that the reason men don’t treat me right is I’m not worth the effort 

The man I dated confirmed dates at the last minute, took several days to reply, never actually put effort into planning fun dates , I had to book and plan the things. And I’m sad about that.he never even texted me to check I got home safe 

 

whilst the new girl he dates, I can see him taking her on romantic dates. She shared a post listing all the things he does for her. One of them is ‘he always checks I get home safe ♥️’. Why did I get a completely different experience? Like that poster said on the other forum, maybe it does truly mean I’m not worth it. 

Again why are you stalking their social media??! A lot of the pain you're feeling is coming from the fact that you continue looking these people up. What do you mean he takes her on romantic dates? I mean, if they're dating maybe they go out for dinner or a movie. That's something couples do. It doesn't necessarily mean he buys her roses or takes her to five star restaurants. Really you have no idea what their relationship is like apart from what you're finding from your stalking lol Relationships always have their ups and downs. I mean, nobody is going to put on Instagram: "I had an awful day with my partner, we had a fight and I cried myself to sleep." Especially if their social media is public, they try to portray only the positive.

I really think you have some kind of warped idea of what happened between you and this guy. How long were you dating him? Not that long right? You were just getting to know each other and unfortunately he didn't feel the same as you. And yes it sucks but as that movie and book say "he's just not that into you." But that doesn't mean there's something wrong with you. I mean you weren't into all those other guys you went on dates with either. You just weren't feeling it but I'm sure they were fine. 

I don't think you can keep comparing yourself like this to another woman he's dating. I mean, yes he wasn't into you but he's into her. We don't know why. Nobody knows why people fall in love with someone. We can't explain it. There is really no use to keep torturing yourself as to why he prefers her and not you. I mean, you could be with all those other guys you dated, but you're not. It's the same thing.

[rainbowsandroses]

1 hour ago, LovelyRoses said:

The man I dated confirmed dates at the last minute, took several days to reply, never actually put effort into planning fun dates , I had to book and plan the things. And I’m sad about that.he never even texted me to check I got home safe. 

^^So then why on earth do you continue to keep this person on such a high pedestal comparing every man you meet/date to HIM?

Because YOU are so attracted to him and that rarely happens?  Do you even realize how ****ed that mindset is? 

I refer you back to @Kwothe28post at the beginning of this thread discussing  your attraction to players.  Or men who are unavailable to you and/or treat you "less than."

I agreed and suggested you seek therapy to determine why that is.

Please @LovelyRoses stop chasing men!   Stop being the one to initiate dates, plan dates, confirm the date, in short stop begging for their attention and validation.

Let them show you with actions (not sweet words that flatter you) that they're interested in dating you!

You think they don't notice?  Trust me they do which could be another reason why they never wish to pursue anything with you.

Considering his rather nonchalant treatment of you, why did you have sex with this man?  After which he shooed you out in the morning?  Ugh. 

Given he was your first, it saddens me that you did so.  Truly. 😞

On one hand I do feel so badly for you that your self-esteem is so low, on the other hand I get frustrated because you don't seem to want to help yourself! 

Please LR, stop stalking his SM, stop imagining what he is doing or not doing with any particular woman, stop obsessing.

For your own sake and self care. 

Like I said in previous, change starts with you.

Take care.

 

 

[Tinydance]

7 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

^^So then why in God's name do you continue to keep this person on such a high pedestal comparing every man you meet/date to HIM?

Because YOU are so attracted to him and that rarely happens?  Do you even realize how ****ed that mindset is? 

I refer you back to @Kwothe28post at the beginning of this thread discussing  your attraction to players.  Or men who are unavailable to you and/or treat you poorly. 

I agreed and suggested you seek therapy to determine why that is.

Please @LovelyRoses stop chasing men!   Stop being the one to initiate dates, plan dates, confirm the date, in short stop begging for their attention and validation.

Let them show you with actions (not sweet words that flatter you) that they're interested in dating you!

You think they don't notice?  Trust me they do which could be another reason why they never wish to pursue anything with you.

Considering his rather nonchalant treatment of you, why did you have sex with this man? 

Given he was your first, it saddens me that you did so.  Truly. 😞

On one hand I do feel so badly for you that your self-esteem is so low, on the other hand I get frustrated because you don't seem to want to help yourself! 

Please LR, stop stalking his SM, stop imagining what  he is doing or not doing with any particular woman, stop obsessing. 

For your own sake and self care. 

Like I said in previous, change starts with you.

Take care.

 

 

Yeah I was thinking all the same. Something just really doesn't add up to say that he was so intelligent, attractive, great, such good connection. But yet he wasn't even responding for days? I mean how can it be a connection when the other person isn't even acting interested. I know there's that saying "love is blind" but in this case it's was to the extreme 😞

[MissCanuck]

1 hour ago, LovelyRoses said:

whilst the new girl he dates, I can see him taking her on romantic dates. She shared a post listing all the things he does for her. One of them is ‘he always checks I get home safe ♥️’. Why did I get a completely different experience?

Why are you stalking their social media?