I’m worried I’m incapable of ever feeling attraction ever again

[LovelyRoses]

36 minutes ago, yogacat said:

You mention he didn't come on strong initially and that you felt "safe," and that's why you liked him, but everything you've written about him says otherwise.

It sounds like you were so into him that you didn't notice his emotional limitations. Your strong physical attraction blinded you. 

A lot of the first part of your post is about how you're not attracted to anyone like you were with this guy. I think you've probably built him up very much in your mind, and you can't expect everyone you meet to fit into that same level of attraction. 

As for now, fixating on the 'spark' issue is just something that people have to accept in dating. You get on with someone and you are attracted to them and then it fades. There's no predicting who that will be with or how long it will last -  that's just life. It's just one more guy that didn't work out for one reason or another...

Maybe you need to get to know someone better as a friend first or just take it slow when you meet someone new. You're looking for intense attraction right away, but you're not going to find it. You're not going to rekindle what you had with this other guy.

I do think that Mr. Unavailable was very blithe; I also think he just didn't particularly care that much. People are often attracted to someone who is emotionally unavailable because of the push-pull dynamic it creates. No matter what arrangement you have with Mr. Unavailable, it still won't be what you want. So it's good that that ended.

But the physical attraction came over time, like I found he looked nice but he won me over with the conversations . Specifically intellectual conversations we sent paragraphs to each other, sharing YouTube videos of space and science links. That’s what got me into him. And then he suggested a lunchtime date. I wasn’t really into him physically at first but I felt we got along so well, in a way that I don’t with other people, and then the physical attraction appeared on the third date suddenly.

 

I’ve been going on dates and meeting people organically but it’s upsetting me as the men don’t vibe like me and he did. I give them a chance too, go on second dates and it’s just not there. The conversation is stilted and I find it challenging, and men don’t ask me a lot of questions which leaves me upset after dates and questioning why I don’t find anyone attractive. Men that message me on dating apps are boring and don’t stimulate me 

 

this last guy stimulated my brain so much , that’s why I liked him and he told me that’s the reason why we get along so well. 
 

Not to sound vain, I’m an attractive woman and get asked out daily when I go out and about and to the supermarket etc. but I don’t like that as it’s always the men coming to me for my looks and not for me as a person. This last guy appreciated me as a person and not my body.

 

yes we did have sex but it wasn’t until the 4th date and I felt ready. I’ve never slept with someone before because I’ve never had those desires but with him I had them for the first time and it was so exciting for me 

[LovelyRoses]

55 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Unavailable for dating you and being in a potentially serious relationship with you which you knew very early on.  I don't suggest you go with "that unavailable" when it comes to looking for a potential partner. Someone who comes on too strong likely isn't available for a serious relationship either that is healthy.

Rather, I suggest never settling for less than "I know this person is interested in dating me because he asks me out on proper dates he plans in advance or accepts my invites for dates I've asked for in advance with enthusaism" And, later -a few months in after consistent regular dates in person once or twice a week "this person is interested in a potentially serious relationship with me because he is single, is interested in getting to know me in person on a regular basis and has told me that he sees serious potential and wants a serious relationship in general."  Like that.  And his action are consistent -planning dates, integrating you into his life in a reasonable way, wanting to be integrated into your existing life in a reasonable way.  

It's quite simple and basic when you get down to it.  And if it's not it's usually because there's an issue -like if you find yourself relying on signs and fancy shmancy words like "connection" instead of simple words like "oh he shared his dessert with me" or 'he invited me to meet his friends next Saturday" or "he wants to show me his favorite -hiking spot/band/art gallery/ice cream place" and we're going to do that next Sunday!  Then  you'll never be having to think about abstract vague concepts like connection because his interest in dating and potential for a serious relationship will be plain as day.

He never came on too strong though. That’s why I liked him. It was normal and healthy. I was living with a male housemate who met a girl at the same time and he was certainly coming on too strong. He told her he loved her on the third date, constant gifts, and she basically moved in after the 6th date. 
 

my guy it was more healthy and slow and based on us getting to know each other in a more friendly way at first. By the fourth date he was telling me he felt we got along well and he was pleased he has met me. He never said anything else that suggested coming on too strong 

[rainbowsandroses]

1 hour ago, rainbowsandroses said:

^Did you have sex with him LR?

^^Asking again.  You said you had "good intimacy" so I am going to assume you did.  

EDIT:  I just read your post that stated you did have sex, on 4th date.

Then what happened?  Was it soon after having sex that he dumped you? 

Telling you he didn't feel "the spark"?

1 hour ago, LovelyRoses said:

And I understand that, I appreciate that but I’m self aware enough to know when a guy connects with me, he was the one holding my hand across the table telling me ‘wow, I really feel me and you get along, I’ve really glad I’ve met you.’ And he was so sincere in how he said it. 

^^Said every woman who's been played which you were imo.  I'm sorry. 

Meaningless words, what do his actions tell you?  

Hate to rub it in, but he dumped you.  Why do you believe "words" but ignore "actions"?  

In any event, I've said my piece, believe what you wish.

All the best LR.  

 

 

[yogacat]

1 hour ago, LovelyRoses said:

yes we did have sex but it wasn’t until the 4th date and I felt ready. I’ve never slept with someone before because I’ve never had those desires but with him I had them for the first time and it was so exciting for me 

Oh. You were a virgin?

Because the original reads that the only man you've been attracted to in your entire 20's is the one that took your virginity after 6 dates and then dumped you.

No wonder you're having such a hard time  - you slept with someone for the first time that you really liked, and then he ended things after the sixth date. Do I have the math right? 

[LovelyRoses]

15 minutes ago, yogacat said:

Oh. You were a virgin?

Because the original reads that the only man you've been attracted to in your entire 20's is the one that took your virginity after 6 dates and then dumped you.

No wonder you're having such a hard time  - you slept with someone for the first time that you really liked, and then he ended things after the sixth date. Do I have the math right? 

Yeah that’s right, I finally felt comfortable enough to have sex and actually felt desire, and it was an exciting thing for me and I was so looking forward to experience more of that and get to know each others bodies

only in the morning afterwards, he would wake up early and make me coffee and be like ‘you ready to go?’ And he would drop me off at the train station and i felt all empty and weird on the train. Like I didn’t know if that was normal in early dating for him to want me to leave so early. Like he was polite about it but it felt weird

so yeah, the one guy I was attracted to and now I’m worried I’ll go years without ever finding that again 

[MissCanuck]

1 hour ago, LovelyRoses said:

my guy it was more healthy and slow and based on us getting to know each other in a more friendly way at first.

Wait, have you not also told us in other threads that he would keep dates quite short and always had other plans lined up for afterwards? 

For all the accolades you're heaping on him here, I seem to recall a list of reasons why you were anxious and confused dating him as well. It wasn't all that great, if memory serves. 

Or am I confusing you with someone else? 

 

[rainbowsandroses]

1 hour ago, LovelyRoses said:

So yeah, the one guy I was attracted to and now I’m worried I’ll go years without ever finding that again 

LR, just wanted to say I completely understand why you're hurt, your feelings are 100% valid.

However in the end, this man you are idealizing and have up on a pedestal is NO prize.  Far from!

IMO, he misled you with sweet words such that you felt comfortable enough to have sex on 4th date, then dumped you on 6th date telling you he wasn't feeling "the spark." 

I think as soon as you accept this, and accept that there IS a very strong possibility you got "played" despite your own perception of the situation, the easier it will be to let go, move on and begin opening up your heart to other men more worthy of the type of love you have to offer.

I will tell you having a bit more experience than you, that if/when a man told me very early in during first few dates while tenderly holding my hand, gazing into my eyes "wow, I really feel me and you get along, I’ve really glad I’ve met you,' I would have viewed that as a red flag and probably would not go out with him again.

Why?  Because when a man is truly feeling those things and sincere in what he's feeling, there is NO need for him to announce it, with words.   To the contrary his actions would convey that message. 

Here his actions were he rushed you out after sex and dropped you after 6th date. 

I'm not saying any of this to be hurtful I promise you.  But by continuing to idealize this man and keeping him on this pedestal you've placed him on, you are holding yourself back from finding what it is you say you want.

Yes imo and experience you will become attracted to another man, it may take weeks, months, maybe even years but you WILL.

But you won't by continuing to worship this man, that much is true. 

Try and think positively.  At least you know you are capable of deep feeling!

There are many people in this world who are so closed and shut down they are unable to.

If you felt it once you WILL feel it again.

Be patient with yourself and live your life.  Once you let go of your feelings for this man and comparing him to every man you meet, you will. 💛

 

 

[LovelyRoses]

17 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

LR, just wanted to say I completely understand why you're hurt, your feelings are 100% valid.

However in the end, this man you are idealizing and have up on a pedestal is NO prize.  Far from!

IMO, he misled you with sweet words such that you felt comfortable enough to have sex on 4th date, then dumped you on 6th date telling you he wasn't feeling "the spark." 

I think as soon as you accept this, and accept that there IS a very strong possibility you got "played" despite your own perception of the situation, the easier it will be to let go, move on and begin opening up your heart to other men more worthy of the type of love you have to offer.

I will tell you having a bit more experience than you, that if/when a man told me very early in during first few dates while tenderly holding my hand, gazing into my eyes "wow, I really feel me and you get along, I’ve really glad I’ve met you,' I would have viewed that as a big red flag and probably would not go out with him again.

Why?  Because when a man is truly feeling those things and sincere in what he's feeling, there is NO need for him to announce it, with words.   To the contrary his actions would convey that message. 

Here his actions were he rushed you out after sex and dropped you after 6th date. 

I'm not saying any of this to be hurtful I promise you.  But by continuing to idealize this man and keeping him on this pedestal you've placed him on, you are holding yourself back from finding what it is you say you want.

Yes imo and experience you will become attracted to another man, it may take weeks, months, maybe even years but you WILL.

But you won't by continuing to worship this man, that much is true. 

Try and think positively.  At least you know you are capable of deep feeling!

There are many people in this world who are so closed and shut down they are unable to.

If you felt it once you WILL feel it again.

Be patient with yourself and live your life.  Once you let go of your feelings for this man and comparing him to every man you meet, you will. 💛

 

 

I’m worried I’m now closed off to feeling it again though and that I’m broken I only like an unavailable man but he’s one I felt comfortable with and not pressured for intimacy 

 

I just feel jealous that he probably moved on to someone else, and that girl is probably so so lucky, I used to love chatting to him over text in the evening, I always see him online on Instagram so I know he’s probably chatting late at night to new girl. In fact looking at instagram I strongly suspect he’s dating this lady now who has young children, despite him saying he wasn’t sure if he wanted kids and that he sees himself returning to his home country in a few years. Even if he is dating another woman , it doesn’t mean it’s serious does it? Like some people get into fun things ?

 

except I don’t know why men are never excited about me though. Like I keep trying to meet men on the dating apps , and they just don’t even try and form a connection with me. at least this guy did 😞

[yogacat]

52 minutes ago, LovelyRoses said:

except I don’t know why men are never excited about me though. Like I keep trying to meet men on the dating apps , and they just don’t even try and form a connection with me. at least this guy did

To be fair, you say you're hardly attracted to men you meet and have been on a first date with, so it goes both ways.

2 hours ago, LovelyRoses said:

Yeah that’s right, I finally felt comfortable enough to have sex and actually felt desire, and it was an exciting thing for me and I was so looking forward to experience more of that and get to know each others bodies

only in the morning afterwards, he would wake up early and make me coffee and be like ‘you ready to go?’ And he would drop me off at the train station and i felt all empty and weird on the train. Like I didn’t know if that was normal in early dating for him to want me to leave so early. Like he was polite about it but it felt weird

I'm sorry that was your first experience.  Didn't sound like he wanted you there too long in the morning. He didn't invite you to have coffee with him, and he was the one who insisted you leave. You were being kicked out politely like a hotel guest when they say you must be out by 11. 

He told you he didn't see a spark and then immediately started dating others. You may have thought there was a connection because he slept with you. A lot of people confuse sex with love.

Think of this guy as your practice boyfriend. Look up the term. 🙂

Through this 6 dates you learned some things:

- you were attracted to someone for the first time in your life, and that you can find physical reasons to be attracted to someone even if there wasn't insta-spark
- that sex can feel right
- to not have too much sex right away
- that you may not know someone like you imagine/think you do
- even if someone tells you you're perfect for each other it might not work out

So the next time you feel down, think about Mr. Unavailable as your practice boyfriend and remember these lessons. Even though you were heartbroken and you didn't recognize him as being emotionally limited at the time, let alone view his limitations as advantages (make him safe) because this could've gone far worse.

That's not to say this wasn't a hurtful experience. You had hoped that this could lead to a real relationship. Allow yourself to mourn or deal with whatever feelings you have about this. I'm not saying suppress them. But when you start obsessing, now you can think to yourself, "Oh. Remember, that was practice." Because really, how often does your first experience turn out to be "the one"? Sure, some people do fall in love and stay together. Most, however, have to go through practice boyfriends.

[ShySoul]

LovelyRoses, I'm not going to try to say anything about this guy you were with. If you felt he cared and you shared a special connection with him, that's all that matters. You felt something special in your heart and that kind of feeling doesn't just go away. It lingers on and can make it difficult, or even impossible, to have something with anyone else. That kind of connection is rare.

You aren't broken or closed off. You are still in the process of healing and that takes time. Trying to move on by seeing other people doesn't work if your heart isn't fully invested in it. You will naturally compare others to the one who was so right for you on all those levels. And seeing how they fall so short is likely to get you discouraged.

Everything you are feeling is fine and normal.

26 minutes ago, LovelyRoses said:

Like I keep trying to meet men on the dating apps , and they just don’t even try and form a connection with me.

Dating apps are designed for people who want things quick and easy. It's swipe one way or the other, then onto the next photo. It's either an instant thing or onto the next profile. It becomes a numbers game where each person isn't valued as an indivual and is instead one of many that might lead to something.

You don't seem like that kind of person. You want to take your time and really know someone, being stimulated by them on all levels. I applaud that. That is how you get a real, meaningful, and lasting relationship. Unfortunately, I think that's in the minority especially with apps. So the reality is that most people you encounter won't live up to those values. But there are those who will. And when you meet someone like that, though it may take time, you will be better of for it.

33 minutes ago, LovelyRoses said:

Even if he is dating another woman , it doesn’t mean it’s serious does it? Like some people get into fun things

People get into things for all kinds of reason. It could be serious or casual. It could be to cover a broken heart or avoid their own feelings of being alone. It could be for love. Just being in a relationship is no sign of happiness or how a person is feeling.

But it doesn't really matter if he is in a relationship. If he wasn't right for you, then thinking about who he is with or what he is doing will only keep you stuck in the past. You need to focus on you.

[ShySoul]

Maybe the right thing for you to do is take a break from men in general?

None of the men you are meeting are inspiring an interest or spark inside you. You still feel for someone you can't be with. Until your heart can come to terms with what happened, you won't be able to invest yourself with anyone. And trying to find it with people who aren't suitable for you will only depress you more. 

It's fine to take a break and just not look. Doesn't mean you will be alone forever. Doesn't mean you are broken. It just means this isn't the right time.

I know how it feels to want love more then anything, to crave a connection that never seems to exist with anyone. I know how it feels to find it but be told it can't continue. And I know what it's like to wonder if it will ever come again. It's painful. But I still believe love finds us when it is right. And I know someone like you should, and will, find it when the time is right.

Until then see that relationships aren't the only way to be happy. Love yourself. Do all the things you want to do. Pursue the hobbies and passions that fulfill you. You don't need a man, you are amazing all on your own.

[LovelyRoses]

12 minutes ago, ShySoul said:

Maybe the right thing for you to do is take a break from men in general?

None of the men you are meeting are inspiring an interest or spark inside you. You still feel for someone you can't be with. Until your heart can come to terms with what happened, you won't be able to invest yourself with anyone. And trying to find it with people who aren't suitable for you will only depress you more. 

It's fine to take a break and just not look. Doesn't mean you will be alone forever. Doesn't mean you are broken. It just means this isn't the right time.

I know how it feels to want love more then anything, to crave a connection that never seems to exist with anyone. I know how it feels to find it but be told it can't continue. And I know what it's like to wonder if it will ever come again. It's painful. But I still believe love finds us when it is right. And I know someone like you should, and will, find it when the time is right.

Until then see that relationships aren't the only way to be happy. Love yourself. Do all the things you want to do. Pursue the hobbies and passions that fulfill you. You don't need a man, you are amazing all on your own.

I dated someone very briefly a few years ago. We were friends first and it was romantic but he was asexual but I still loved him, but he dumped me and when I met this last guy, my walls were up at the beginning. Myself I was quite closed off and worried about dating but I soon opened up and grew to like this guy but now I’m worried my walls will never come down again. 
 

sometimes I worry it didn’t work because my walls were up so when he said he didn’t feel romantic, I worried I ruined it by being very cautious and reserved 

[Batya33]

4-6 dates is nothing IMO and not enough to establish any sort of "pattern" like "he always..." those are really early days.  Totally fine to have sex right away as long as you are both single adults and consenting and that you were being honest with yourself about what it was and wasn't.  It wasn't a serious relationship yet.  It wasn't officially exclusive yet -right?  So that early on it can happen that one person will want to leave ASAP after sex/the next morning. It's far more of a risk with early on sex but it's worth the risk for a person who is ok with that and like  you said -you felt it was a way to get to know each other's bodies.  You achieved your personal goal in having intercourse with this person.

Assume he is dating others and assume that he might get married/engaged whatever - it will help prepare you if that happens and you find out and you are still into him at that time.  JMHO.

[LovelyRoses]

30 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

4-6 dates is nothing IMO and not enough to establish any sort of "pattern" like "he always..." those are really early days.  Totally fine to have sex right away as long as you are both single adults and consenting and that you were being honest with yourself about what it was and wasn't.  It wasn't a serious relationship yet.  It wasn't officially exclusive yet -right?  So that early on it can happen that one person will want to leave ASAP after sex/the next morning. It's far more of a risk with early on sex but it's worth the risk for a person who is ok with that and like  you said -you felt it was a way to get to know each other's bodies.  You achieved your personal goal in having intercourse with this person.

Assume he is dating others and assume that he might get married/engaged whatever - it will help prepare you if that happens and you find out and you are still into him at that time.  JMHO.

I know it’s just I feel awful that people move on and find their person whilst I’m stuck not finding any relationship, I’ve never had a relationship and it baffles me why.

it also confuses me that he moved to my country so that he could travel, solo travel is his main hobby, but always had this view that he will be going back one day to the other side of the world. More recently I believe he has been dating a woman who has a young child, and I don’t know how she can be the right fit for him, it even looks like she’s become his girlfriend and I wonder what I did wrong to not be seen in that way. I really never expected him to date a woman with kids when he doesn’t want kids because he said it doesn’t fit the travelling lifestyle that he likes 

 

it really baffles me but also I feel hopeless as looks like that woman was engaged several months ago, and she simply found someone else so quickly. Whilst I’m here never had a boyfriend 

[Batya33]

Just now, LovelyRoses said:

I know it’s just I feel awful that people move on and find their person whilst I’m stuck not finding any relationship, I’ve never had a relationship and it baffles me why.

it also confuses me that he moved to my country so that he could travel, solo travel is his main hobby, but always had this view that he will be going back one day to the other side of the world. More recently I believe he has been dating a woman who has a young child, and I don’t know how she can be the right fit for him, it even looks like she’s become his girlfriend and I wonder what I did wrong to not be seen in that way. I really never expected him to date a woman with kids when he doesn’t want kids because he said it doesn’t fit the travelling lifestyle that he likes 

 

it really baffles me but also I feel hopeless as looks like that woman was engaged several months ago, and she simply found someone else so quickly. Whilst I’m here never had a boyfriend 

You've received wonderful input and insights here with potential reasons why and how you are getting in your own way.  Up to you whether to consider them or not.  Goodluck.

[ShySoul]

1 hour ago, LovelyRoses said:

I dated someone very briefly a few years ago. We were friends first and it was romantic but he was asexual but I still loved him, but he dumped me and when I met this last guy, my walls were up at the beginning. Myself I was quite closed off and worried about dating but I soon opened up and grew to like this guy but now I’m worried my walls will never come down again. 

sometimes I worry it didn’t work because my walls were up so when he said he didn’t feel romantic, I worried I ruined it by being very cautious and reserved 

I think people are too quick to judge themselves and try to find fault in their actions. It's easy to lose sight of the fact that we all do the best we can in the moment, with the knowledge and feelings we have at that time. Hindsight will always be 20/20. We can always look back and say all the things we should have done differently. But at the time there is no way to know how it will turn out.

At the time you were scared. You had a bad experience before and felt the need to protect yourself. That wasn't wrong or a mistake. It was what you needed at the time. If you feel something, there is a reason. And that reason is perfectly fine. Being cautious and reserved was perfectly fine. That's the point of dating/getting to know someone, to become more comfortable to the point we can take down our walls.

We all build walls. We all guard ourselves so that our heart doesn't get broken again. And we all worry that we are too damaged to be able to open ourselves to someone. And yet, when the right person comes along, the walls tend to come down no matter how hard we try to keep them up.

If they aren't coming down, it's cause you haven't meet the right person and aren't ready yet. Worrying about it isn't going to help. You'll just make youself sick with worry. Dwelling on potential bad things that have not and may never come to pass is a waste of energy. It leaves you stuck in a cycle of bad feelings. Find something positive to focus on instead. Find something to make yourself happy. That will at least give you a break and get your mind thinking in a different light.

[LootieTootie]

I am hearing 2 different things: he didnt seem that in to you and made you insecure and then he was really in to you and made you feel secure.

When anyone gives you mixed feelings, it is NOT a good match. I am a big believer that if someone wants to be with you, they will be very clear and consistent their words and actions. 

I am sorry you're not meeting any one that is your cup of tea at the moment, and if you think it might benefit your mental health, take a break from dating to focus on you. 

I met my husband when I swore off dating and stopped doing online dating for a couple of years. Good things do when you least expect it.

[ShySoul]

14 minutes ago, LovelyRoses said:

it really baffles me but also I feel hopeless as looks like that woman was engaged several months ago, and she simply found someone else so quickly. Whilst I’m here never had a boyfriend 

A potential love interest went from ending things with me to being engaged in a month and married a month later. And three months later she's telling me the marriage was a disaster.

I also saw someone just starting a divorce get engaged to another woman within a couple months. Sure enough, he cheated on her with his ex.

Just because a person quickly gets a relationship, doesn't mean it is a good relationship or that they are happy. For some people they rush to something new to fill a void in their life or to give the appearance they are happy.

Having to see others in a relationship and wondering when your time will come hurts. But it isn't a reflection of you. Everyone's journey to love is different. For some it takes more time. Finding that rare person that really gets us may take way longer then we would like. It feels like an eternity. But it's our journey. Whatever others have isn't important. What counts is that when we find it, it is right for us. All the time spend hoping and wishing, all the tears over not having it, will make it sweeter when it does arrive.

Hope you find it and that it is better then you've ever dreamed of.

[LovelyRoses]

2 minutes ago, ShySoul said:

A potential love interest went from ending things with me to being engaged in a month and married a month later. And three months later she's telling me the marriage was a disaster.

I also saw someone just starting a divorce get engaged to another woman within a couple months. Sure enough, he cheated on her with his ex.

Just because a person quickly gets a relationship, doesn't mean it is a good relationship or that they are happy. For some people they rush to something new to fill a void in their life or to give the appearance they are happy.

Having to see others in a relationship and wondering when your time will come hurts. But it isn't a reflection of you. Everyone's journey to love is different. For some it takes more time. Finding that rare person that really gets us may take way longer then we would like. It feels like an eternity. But it's our journey. Whatever others have isn't important. What counts is that when we find it, it is right for us. All the time spend hoping and wishing, all the tears over not having it, will make it sweeter when it does arrive.

Hope you find it and that it is better than you've ever dreamed of.

It does really feel like an impossible thing for me though. I do go on dates, many dates, but all of them don’t genuinely try to impress me, they don’t pay for the dinner, it’s all very low effort, you feel like they only want sex. And now he’s found a girlfriend . It was always closure to me that he wants to eventually in the next few years move back to his home country the other side of the world to be with his family. He moved here to travel. But I can’t make sense of how he now is with a woman with kids. I’m never that woman who makes a man want to stick around 

 

I want some genuine effort from men but I never ever see it. He must have really not liked me 

[Tinydance]

6 hours ago, LovelyRoses said:

It does really feel like an impossible thing for me though. I do go on dates, many dates, but all of them don’t genuinely try to impress me, they don’t pay for the dinner, it’s all very low effort, you feel like they only want sex. And now he’s found a girlfriend . It was always closure to me that he wants to eventually in the next few years move back to his home country the other side of the world to be with his family. He moved here to travel. But I can’t make sense of how he now is with a woman with kids. I’m never that woman who makes a man want to stick around 

 

I want some genuine effort from men but I never ever see it. He must have really not liked me 

I've sort of skim read the posts so hopefully I haven't missed anything. My guess is there's nothing wrong with you and nothing necessarily wrong with the men you dated. The thing is, many people are single or at least single at different times in their lives. As you said, it's easy to find *someone*. There can always be people that like you but what's hard is finding someone where it’s mutual. And unless someone is single by choice that's probably the reason why any person is single. They just haven't found someone who likes them that they also like. I've been through exactly the same thing myself and so have all my friends. Sometimes a few years would pass before I could even meet someone I truly liked.

Unfortunately what I think you need to realise is that connection isn't always mutual. That's why that term "unrequited love" exists. One person is actually in love so clearly they feel some kind of very strong connection. But the other person doesn't feel it. I think this was what happened in your case.

Did this guy know you were a virgin? The thing is, you're someone who isn't attracted to people often and you were a virgin. This guy might be attracted to people a lot and slept with a few/a lot of people. I feel like you've sort of been asking yourself why he'd sleep with you if he didn't feel the same connection as you. I hate to say it but it's because he was horny.

I feel like with modern day dating and especially online dating, people don't necessarily value sex as something really special. So people might sleep with someone after a few dates just because "they felt like it." Doesn't mean they're super vibing that person necessarily. Which I know is probably very hard to hear but I think that was the reality of what happened.

He wasn't "the one". He was just some guy you went on a few dates with. But that doesn't actually mean that you won't find "the one". I think you will.

[ShySoul]

6 hours ago, LovelyRoses said:

It does really feel like an impossible thing for me though. I do go on dates, many dates, but all of them don’t genuinely try to impress me, they don’t pay for the dinner, it’s all very low effort, you feel like they only want sex. And now he’s found a girlfriend . It was always closure to me that he wants to eventually in the next few years move back to his home country the other side of the world to be with his family. He moved here to travel. But I can’t make sense of how he now is with a woman with kids. I’m never that woman who makes a man want to stick around 

I want some genuine effort from men but I never ever see it. He must have really not liked me 

I'm on the other side. It feels just as impossible. I would put in the effort, try to get to know someone and impress them. Not paying would never cross my mind, that's just what you do when you treat a lady well. Sex would honestly be the last thing I would want. And yet, I'm not the guy that women are interested in.

It's not easy to find someone. And it's even harder finding the kind of respectful gentleman (or gentlewoman) that people like us are looking for. And even when things go well and the person does like you, it can take turns for the worse.

Try not to be too discouraged. There are good guys out there. You just have to dig through a lots of weeds before you get to that beautiful flower. And yes, I know how long and tiring a process it is. But there will be a rose garden at the end of the journey, I fully believe that for you.

 

[ShySoul]

16 minutes ago, Tinydance said:

I feel like with modern day dating and especially online dating, people don't necessarily value sex as something really special. So people might sleep with someone after a few dates just because "they felt like it." Doesn't mean they're super vibing that person necessarily.

Sometimes feel like it's an expectation. We went out a few times, so this is the point we have sex. It's like the concept of waiting and not having sex is a foreign concept. If you don't, that is the sign that something is wrong and they aren't interested in you.

To be clear, it's an individual decision and should be done when it is right for the couple, individually and together. No one is wrong for having sex or not having sex, as long as it is mutually consensual.

But I agree, it is often not valued as the special thing it really is. So people do it even when they aren't fully invested. And for those that value it more, that can't help but feel the soul ties attached, it can be a painful experience to give themselves in that way only to not have the same feelings returned.

[Panlees]

Hey, I know how you feel. It's kind of depressing not to have that heartfelt feeling when you're dating. Everyone feels attraction differently, so don't be too hard on yourself.

The guy I met before, it didn't work out, but you did have some good times. Don't keep wondering why it didn't work out. After all, relationships are complicated.

Don't put too much pressure on yourself to start dating again. Take your time and you'll meet someone who makes your heart sing. Don't be afraid of rejection. After all, if you try, you'll have no regrets. Go for it!

[Batya33]

11 hours ago, LovelyRoses said:

But I can’t make sense of how he now is with a woman with kids. I’m never that woman who makes a man want to stick around 

 

I want some genuine effort from men but I never ever see it. He must have really not liked me 

With all respect get over yourself. He knew you a very short time.  And all the silly exaggeration -is that the mark of the intelligent woman you claim to be? I liked the man I'd met quite a lot when I reconnected with my now husband.  I still do -we are FB friends and have been in touch on and off over the years and I've set him up with a few friends of mine.  But we were not a good match as I found his level of insecurities that he was in therapy for he said -suffocating, annoying, icky.  We dated for about 4-5 weeks, saw each other about once a week. My husband and I got back together after meeting up 3 times platonically over a period of 4-5 weeks.  He is the right match for me romantically. The other guy is a good match for friendship because in a casual friendship he doesn't react to the insecurities he had in dating/romantic relationships.  

Why should a man pay for dinner on a first meet -or meet for dinner? It's a first meet to see if you should go on a date IMO.  

Also yes please accept that this man may have strongly believed he wanted to move then he met this woman and she knocked his socks off and he was over the moon.  People change their lives sometimes when that happens.  He didn't feel that way around you and that's nothing personal IMO.  

[LovelyRoses]

3 hours ago, Batya33 said:

With all respect get over yourself. He knew you a very short time.  And all the silly exaggeration -is that the mark of the intelligent woman you claim to be? I liked the man I'd met quite a lot when I reconnected with my now husband.  I still do -we are FB friends and have been in touch on and off over the years and I've set him up with a few friends of mine.  But we were not a good match as I found his level of insecurities that he was in therapy for he said -suffocating, annoying, icky.  We dated for about 4-5 weeks, saw each other about once a week. My husband and I got back together after meeting up 3 times platonically over a period of 4-5 weeks.  He is the right match for me romantically. The other guy is a good match for friendship because in a casual friendship he doesn't react to the insecurities he had in dating/romantic relationships.  

Why should a man pay for dinner on a first meet -or meet for dinner? It's a first meet to see if you should go on a date IMO.  

Also yes please accept that this man may have strongly believed he wanted to move then he met this woman and she knocked his socks off and he was over the moon.  People change their lives sometimes when that happens.  He didn't feel that way around you and that's nothing personal IMO.  

I know and I appreciate that. It’s just I’m really struggling with the idea I’ve never ‘knocked someone’s socks off’ but then there’s some women like the girl he dates now, who seem to get pursued left right and centre. Like this girl was engaged to be married at the start of the year. But somehow manages to find a partner (the guy I dated) just a few months after her breakup 

 

I just wish I could knock someone’s socks off and I really don’t know how 

 

I feel like I could meet the right man but then they don’t like me as I’m completely flat chested. This guy I dated said he was more a boob guy too but liked my bum , I’ve always worried being flat chested is the reason I’m single. The new girl he dates has large ones and it makes me worry I’m not feminine to date