LovelyRoses Posted August 31 Share Posted August 31 I’m feeling really broken when it comes to dating I don’t think I feel attraction very often. Like I can appreciate a guy is good looking but in terms of feeling desire or attraction on a date, I never feel it. The guy will touch or hold my hand and I just don’t want that. I really don’t want to kiss a man at the end of the first date Just got home from a first date and it was the same thing, and I’ve been upset about it now. I miss feeling attracted to someone At the start of the year, I met a man and on our first date, I instantly felt the attraction. Very subtle nice feeling of butterflies. By the third date, I just felt so attracted to him, holding hands, kissing and everything felt wonderful and it felt like relief because I worried like this why I didn’t fancy anyone But then this guy dropped me, telling me there was no romantic spark, and I’ve wondered ever since what was wrong as surely the spark was there mutually. Me and him connected in conversation, we had good intimacy. He would speak of how well we got along together he even came back to be friends and we really enjoyed each others company I’m back to dating again and feel really worried I’ll never feel it again. Is it normal to go on dates and not feel any spark of attraction? I really really liked the last guy and had no doubts but even started to panic that what if I only liked him because he didn’t like me hence he didn’t come on too strong so I felt safe Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted August 31 Share Posted August 31 Yes it is normal. It happened to me. Also you likely have walls up so it's harder to feel anything in that case. And yes right now you might be a person who feels excited only by unavailable men. I went through phases like that for sure. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
yogacat Posted August 31 Share Posted August 31 2 minutes ago, Batya33 said: Yes it is normal. It happened to me. Also you likely have walls up so it's harder to feel anything in that case. And yes right now you might be a person who feels excited only by unavailable men. I went through phases like that for sure. Me too! OP, this thread sounds very familiar. I recall you've had difficulty getting over this person, Mr. Emotionally Unavailable. Is it possible you've got your hooks in that game, and that's why no one else can measure up? It is common to go on dates and not feel an immediate spark or attraction. I haven't dated a ton, but I have been on a lot of first dates, and I can say I've rarely been ga ga after a first date. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shouldhavelearned Posted September 1 Share Posted September 1 It's okay Dates are dates Some go places and some don't. Keep trying Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LovelyRoses Posted September 1 Author Share Posted September 1 55 minutes ago, shouldhavelearned said: It's okay Dates are dates Some go places and some don't. Keep trying But like it’s the quality of men in my city is just so poor. There’s red flags galore and I don’t feel attracted to anyone but the last guy it felt right and clicked and he was mature and succesful and intelligent Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ShySoul Posted September 1 Share Posted September 1 Having that kind of attraction and connection with someone is rare. It goes beyond good looking and being physical. It's about the unique chemistry between two people. If it was common and we could feel it with just anyone, it wouldn't be nearly as special when it did happen. Personally, I can count the people I've felt that way about on one hand. And it's never been instant. It's always grown in time from getting to really know someone. When it's right, you know. If you aren't feeling it then it isn't time yet. There's nothing wrong with that or with you. Just means the right person hasn't come along who brings out the butterflies. You're still comparing people to this other guy. Your heart probably still isn't fully ready to commit or open up again. That's fine as well. Don't get discouraged or try to force anything. You'll be ready when you're ready. If there are so many red flags, then it's a good thing you aren't feeling more. Don't settle if it doesn't feel right. You should have that kind of connection you want. Eventually, you'll have it. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shouldhavelearned Posted September 1 Share Posted September 1 Where are you trying to meet people? Events you enjoy, market days, library, grocery store, ... How far are other cities to expand your search? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
poorlittlefish Posted September 1 Share Posted September 1 It's very rare for me to find someone attractive. I've got one for now, but it took 3 years of dating, disappointment and rejection before anything took off the ground. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LovelyRoses Posted September 1 Author Share Posted September 1 10 hours ago, yogacat said: Me too! OP, this thread sounds very familiar. I recall you've had difficulty getting over this person, Mr. Emotionally Unavailable. Is it possible you've got your hooks in that game, and that's why no one else can measure up? It is common to go on dates and not feel an immediate spark or attraction. I haven't dated a ton, but I have been on a lot of first dates, and I can say I've rarely been ga ga after a first date. Yes because I rarely ever feel attraction it’s like an impossible thing for me, such an intangible thing based on someone’s personality and other things and I felt it so bad for him. And here I am dating and it’s not like I’m comparing, no one makes me feel anything. Men on dates are very into me sexually and that freaks me out as I feel too much pressure I dunno if the last guy was emotionally unavailable. He wasn’t totally sure if he will stay in my country long term as he’s from the other side of the world and told me a few months ago that he sees himself going back one day. But I think he dates other girls now but I don’t know why he was so into me on dates, like a nice healthy connection, followed by the sense he was pushing me away and keeping me distant, taking 2-3 days to reply. Always told me on dates were a great fit but when he ended things, he said he concluded we’re not a great fit im a self aware person and know when there is a good connection. We had that I’ve dated constantly my whole 20s, always going on dates but feeling nothing, but everything clicked for me with him. I know it sounds weird, but I’ve never had it before where his scent when he was just sat next to me, wanted to pull in so close to him. There was this pull between us. Even when me met as friends a few months ago, naturally we just hold hands and are always in contact ive been reading about avoidant attachment and wonder if he had that, but he’s sleeping around or dating other girls now and they are hot so surely they don’t get the same treatment Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MissCanuck Posted September 1 Share Posted September 1 You are still spending too much energy thinking about this last guy, sis. You've got to stop tormenting yourself going over and over the details in your head. It doesn't serve you to keep rehashing the things you've repeated a hundred times before. Whether he's avoidant or emotionally unavailable or dating others isn't relevant to you anymore. Keep the focus on yourself, and expanding your opportunities to meet other men. 1 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted September 1 Share Posted September 1 What does you not feeling attracted have to do with "quality of men" - what is quality to you -specifically? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LovelyRoses Posted September 1 Author Share Posted September 1 25 minutes ago, Batya33 said: What does you not feeling attracted have to do with "quality of men" - what is quality to you -specifically? Men that text me in a way that shows effort before we meet , in order to build a connection so I feel comfortable to meet. Men that aren’t touching me as soon as they meet me. Men that are intelligent and curious about me, put in the effort. I get none of that. I just feel like I get led on or low effort Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted September 1 Share Posted September 1 12 minutes ago, LovelyRoses said: Men that text me in a way that shows effort before we meet , in order to build a connection so I feel comfortable to meet. Men that aren’t touching me as soon as they meet me. Men that are intelligent and curious about me, put in the effort. I get none of that. I just feel like I get led on or low effort What does that have to do with their "quality" in general - I never agreed to chat online with anyone more than once or twice before meeting to "build a connection" -I was on line to meet in person ASAP and see if we should date in person. To me a person who would want that would have incompatible goals with me. Some people love to touch as soon as they meet and they are quality people. I think in general a man who is content to type and talk and "date online" is going to be a man who puts in little effort to meet in person -why should he when he can chat you up online and tell himself he is "dating". A man who has all that time to chat with a stranger because she says she needs that to "build a connection" or some such word salad likely doesn't have much going on in his life and that will show up if you actually meet and want him to share in planning fun stuff to do. Yes I agree a person should want to get to know you in person if the person is interested in dating you. Prior to meeting - I think it's great if you do a quick back and forth, a safety phone call and meet in person ASAP and then see if he asks appropriate questions about you to get to know you. I know of many quality men who weren't that intelligent in a book smart way. Like my grandpa who was uneducated. He immigrated to the US at a dangerous time, met my grandmother, started his own local business and raised my mom and her brother who both went to college and beyond. And stayed married to my grandmother happily it seemed for around 60 years. Intelligent academically? Nope. Quality - I mean you look up quality and I bet his picture is right there. So please stop telling yourself that just because you have certain kind of quirky requirements in men like the requirement of chatting with a stranger to "connect" and that it's hard for you to be attracted means that you live in a community with low quality men -c'mon, get a bit of a grip ok? Maybe looking closer at the common denominator -you! -will help in your approach Also I agree with Canuck -you want that excitement of that unavailable guy who was never that into you for any sustained in person time. No one will measure up to that IMO. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post Kwothe28 Posted September 1 Popular Post Share Posted September 1 2 hours ago, LovelyRoses said: im a self aware person and know when there is a good connection. We had that No you dont know that. In fact, he literally told you there is no connection from his end. Some people are great at "making" that connection. Meaning to just appear that the connection is there. For example, do you really think "players" have "connection" with all those women they sleep with? Or they just BS their way into that? Asking you few questions about you, say how they are the same, sing you a song on their guitar etc. What you felt isnt genuine connection between two people. Its his BS. That he probably "sells" every other woman out there. You still havent got over some player that BSed you into few dates. What is worst you are projecting that on every other man out there in a dating world. Your "Dream guy" isnt such a good person overall. Proven by his actions and how he dumped you. But now you model your overall perception of your dates based on that guy. Very bad idea. And no wonder you are unhappy on dates. Also, effort only shows that they are willing to meet you. It doesnt really tell you anything about the quality of men you are dating. Case in point, you are modelling your whole perception of men based on some player who took you out 2-3 times. And who didnt even want to make an effort. 3 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rainbowsandroses Posted September 1 Share Posted September 1 2 hours ago, Kwothe28 said: No you dont know that. In fact, he literally told you there is no connection from his end. Some people are great at "making" that connection. Meaning to just appear that the connection is there. For example, do you really think "players" have "connection" with all those women they sleep with? Or they just BS their way into that? Asking you few questions about you, say how they are the same, sing you a song on their guitar etc. What you felt isnt genuine connection between two people. Its his BS. That he probably "sells" every other woman out there. You still havent got over some player that BSed you into few dates. What is worst you are projecting that on every other man out there in a dating world. Your "Dream guy" isnt such a good person overall. Proven by his actions and how he dumped you. But now you model your overall perception of your dates based on that guy. Very bad idea. And no wonder you are unhappy on dates. Also, effort only shows that they are willing to meet you. It doesnt really tell you anything about the quality of men you are dating. Case in point, you are modelling your whole perception of men based on some player who took you out 2-3 times. And who didnt even want to make an effort. This^ is such a great post. @LovelyRoses my advice is cut and paste to your fridge and read every morning with your coffee. 100% spot on! 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LovelyRoses Posted September 1 Author Share Posted September 1 2 hours ago, Batya33 said: What does that have to do with their "quality" in general - I never agreed to chat online with anyone more than once or twice before meeting to "build a connection" -I was on line to meet in person ASAP and see if we should date in person. To me a person who would want that would have incompatible goals with me. Some people love to touch as soon as they meet and they are quality people. I think in general a man who is content to type and talk and "date online" is going to be a man who puts in little effort to meet in person -why should he when he can chat you up online and tell himself he is "dating". A man who has all that time to chat with a stranger because she says she needs that to "build a connection" or some such word salad likely doesn't have much going on in his life and that will show up if you actually meet and want him to share in planning fun stuff to do. Yes I agree a person should want to get to know you in person if the person is interested in dating you. Prior to meeting - I think it's great if you do a quick back and forth, a safety phone call and meet in person ASAP and then see if he asks appropriate questions about you to get to know you. I know of many quality men who weren't that intelligent in a book smart way. Like my grandpa who was uneducated. He immigrated to the US at a dangerous time, met my grandmother, started his own local business and raised my mom and her brother who both went to college and beyond. And stayed married to my grandmother happily it seemed for around 60 years. Intelligent academically? Nope. Quality - I mean you look up quality and I bet his picture is right there. So please stop telling yourself that just because you have certain kind of quirky requirements in men like the requirement of chatting with a stranger to "connect" and that it's hard for you to be attracted means that you live in a community with low quality men -c'mon, get a bit of a grip ok? Maybe looking closer at the common denominator -you! -will help in your approach Also I agree with Canuck -you want that excitement of that unavailable guy who was never that into you for any sustained in person time. No one will measure up to that IMO. He wasn’t that unavailable because in person he was very connected to me. He would ask a lot about me, he would be very engaged, and he made me feel comfortable to open up and hold his hand and kiss him and eventually led to intimacy. He put effort into messages but then took several days to reply. I dunno if he was unavailable. I didn’t find it exciting, I found it a bit frustrating as I liked him and wanted things to progress I genuinely don’t want someone unavailable but I don’t want someone who comes on too strong. I like confident people who wanna meet for a nice daytime date for a first meet to scope out the connection, as that’s how I’m comfortable. I just keep going on dates and instead of being attracted to them, like even their smell gives me the ick like why do I find their smell repulsive, or is this just a normal case of just not meeting people I’m attracted to. the reason why I talk about talking on the app for a while is that’s what I’m comfortable. I need a few weeks to get to know them and feel comfortable. I’ve been trying to go on date straight away over the last few weeks and I feel this icky feeling on dates. And it’s not nice but I think maybe it’s my body telling me their not for me? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LovelyRoses Posted September 1 Author Share Posted September 1 52 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said: This^ is such a great post. @LovelyRoses my advice is cut and paste to your fridge and read every morning with your coffee. 100% spot on! But what explains how with him, I felt sexual attraction for the first time in my life, enjoyed sex for the first time in my life (done it lots with men over the years and hated every moment of it), enjoyed a kiss for the first time in my life and his smell just turned me on I jeep going on dates and even sitting next to these men, it’s the smell that turns me off. Like the smell of the men’s breath or natural smell really isn’t nice to me, but the last guy I couldn’t get enough of him. im terrified because he’s the only person I’ve ever been attracted to. How would you feel if that was the case for you? It’s so so so scary don’t think he was a player at all, he seemed quite charasmatic and charming but Inexperienced in many ways too. Like not many men have Desires to be players, this guy was very nerdy and introverted to be a player he took me out 6 times, to play tennis, escape rooms, for cheese and wine, to meet his friends, to pubs, to comedy club, cooked for me, went to museums together, live gigs and music, for walks and exploring. I don’t see how that was player behaviour 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rainbowsandroses Posted September 1 Share Posted September 1 29 minutes ago, LovelyRoses said: I'm terrified because he’s the only person I’ve ever been attracted to. How would you feel if that was the case for you? It’s so so so scary Yes I'd be terrified too and would get myself into therapy immediately to determine why I can only feel attracted to players! And/or men who are experienced in seducing women, knowing just what to say, what buttons to push to get you respond and feel attracted. We've all (or many of us) have been there so no judgment. But change starts with you! Through self-reflection, introspection and looking deep within yourself perhaps with the help of a good qualified therapist. And learning how to make better choices and changing your mindset so you are able to become attracted to a different type of man other than some bozo who took you out on three dates, made little to no effort whom you see as some sort of God or something and measure every man you meet against him. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LovelyRoses Posted September 1 Author Share Posted September 1 20 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said: Yes I'd be terrified too and would get myself into therapy immediately to determine why I can only feel attracted to players! And/or men who are experienced in seducing women, knowing just what to say, what buttons to push to get you respond and feel attracted. We've all (or many of us) have been there so no judgment. But change starts with you! Through self-reflection, introspection and looking deep within yourself perhaps with the help of a good qualified therapist. And learning how to make better choices and changing your mindset so you are able to become attracted to a different type of man other than some bozo who took you out on three dates, made little to no effort whom you see as some sort of God or something and measure every man you meet against him. He wasn’t a player, though, he was a very mature, intelligent man who in the beginning, was very communicative with me. For example, if he was busy one evening, he would text me. Hey, I’ve read your message, but I’m out tonight and I’ll respond to your message properly in the morning like he’s he wasn’t a player, he was very nerdy. I’ve never had someone who asked such interest in getting to know you questions, deep intellectual conversations. I don’t want to date players, and I’m turned off by any inkling of a man that is just pursuing physical intimacy, hence my post I mention that when I’m on a date, and I find a guy touching me being too flirty then I run for it because I think that they’re player and they’re not serious where he never gave me that vibe. We did lovely daytime dates, not evening dates which gave opportunity for us to get to know each other. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rainbowsandroses Posted September 1 Share Posted September 1 23 minutes ago, LovelyRoses said: I don’t want to date players, and I’m turned off by any inkling of a man that is just pursuing physical intimacy, ^^Players are extremely skilled at making it appear like they are NOT just about physical intimacy, that is why they are called 'players'! But okay let's assume he's NOT a player. Have you forgotten this? 17 hours ago, LovelyRoses said: But then this guy dropped me, telling me there was no romantic spark, and I’ve wondered ever since what was wrong as surely the spark was there mutually. Me and him connected in conversation, we had good intimacy. He would speak of how well we got along together. LR, clearly the spark was not there mutually, he dropped you. My late mom once told me: "Two people can be on the same date but having two entirely different experiences." Meaning he may have thought you got on well together but he simply wasn't feeling the connection like you were. He even told you this, it's unclear to me why you choose to not believe him. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted September 1 Share Posted September 1 1 hour ago, LovelyRoses said: He wasn’t that unavailable because in person he was very connected to me. Unavailable for dating you and being in a potentially serious relationship with you which you knew very early on. I don't suggest you go with "that unavailable" when it comes to looking for a potential partner. Someone who comes on too strong likely isn't available for a serious relationship either that is healthy. Rather, I suggest never settling for less than "I know this person is interested in dating me because he asks me out on proper dates he plans in advance or accepts my invites for dates I've asked for in advance with enthusaism" And, later -a few months in after consistent regular dates in person once or twice a week "this person is interested in a potentially serious relationship with me because he is single, is interested in getting to know me in person on a regular basis and has told me that he sees serious potential and wants a serious relationship in general." Like that. And his action are consistent -planning dates, integrating you into his life in a reasonable way, wanting to be integrated into your existing life in a reasonable way. It's quite simple and basic when you get down to it. And if it's not it's usually because there's an issue -like if you find yourself relying on signs and fancy shmancy words like "connection" instead of simple words like "oh he shared his dessert with me" or 'he invited me to meet his friends next Saturday" or "he wants to show me his favorite -hiking spot/band/art gallery/ice cream place" and we're going to do that next Sunday! Then you'll never be having to think about abstract vague concepts like connection because his interest in dating and potential for a serious relationship will be plain as day. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted September 1 Share Posted September 1 23 minutes ago, LovelyRoses said: though, he was a very mature, intelligent man who in the beginning, was very communicative with me. For example, if he was busy one evening, he would text me. Hey, I’ve read your message, but I’m out tonight and I’ll respond to your message properly in the morning like he’s he wasn’t a player, he was very nerdy. I’ve never had someone who asked such interest in getting to know you questions, deep intellectual conversations I had that once in college (after that I didn't do the long conversations/texts unless we were platonic friends only - I did those long convos if we already had a date planned because I wanted to see the man put in the effort to see me in person not get used to me being available for long convos by phone) This guy - my high school and now college classmate was fascinating -we had long phone calls at night for a week or more. Didn't ask me out and I don't think I ever told him I had developed a mad crush on him. One day he stopped calling. I found out his class schedule and would hang around where he was supposed to be hoping to "run into him." I didn't. I was so sad! A month or so later I saw him with a girl on his co-ed sports team. Very obviously with her. She was pretty and athletic! Last I checked since we have mutual friends on FB they've been happily married for over 30 years, lovely family he is very successful -brilliant lovely guy. He did nothing wrong. Deep convos with no asking out or no consistent asking out does not mean the sort of connection that is relevant. I learned! (I had other instances similar but this one sure stands out) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
yogacat Posted September 1 Share Posted September 1 18 hours ago, LovelyRoses said: I really really liked the last guy and had no doubts but even started to panic that what if I only liked him because he didn’t like me hence he didn’t come on too strong so I felt safe You mention he didn't come on strong initially and that you felt "safe," and that's why you liked him, but everything you've written about him says otherwise. It sounds like you were so into him that you didn't notice his emotional limitations. Your strong physical attraction blinded you. A lot of the first part of your post is about how you're not attracted to anyone like you were with this guy. I think you've probably built him up very much in your mind, and you can't expect everyone you meet to fit into that same level of attraction. As for now, fixating on the 'spark' issue is just something that people have to accept in dating. You get on with someone and you are attracted to them and then it fades. There's no predicting who that will be with or how long it will last - that's just life. It's just one more guy that didn't work out for one reason or another... Maybe you need to get to know someone better as a friend first or just take it slow when you meet someone new. You're looking for intense attraction right away, but you're not going to find it. You're not going to rekindle what you had with this other guy. I do think that Mr. Unavailable was very blithe; I also think he just didn't particularly care that much. People are often attracted to someone who is emotionally unavailable because of the push-pull dynamic it creates. No matter what arrangement you have with Mr. Unavailable, it still won't be what you want. So it's good that that ended. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rainbowsandroses Posted September 1 Share Posted September 1 18 hours ago, LovelyRoses said: But then this guy dropped me, telling me there was no romantic spark, and I’ve wondered ever since what was wrong as surely the spark was there mutually. Me and him connected in conversation, we had good intimacy. He would speak of how well we got along together. ^Did you have sex with him LR? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LovelyRoses Posted September 1 Author Share Posted September 1 35 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said: ^^Players are extremely skilled at making it appear like they are NOT just about physical intimacy, that is why they are called 'players'! But okay let's assume he's NOT a player. Have you forgotten this? LR, clearly the spark was not there mutually, he dropped you. My late mom once told me: "Two people can be on the same date but having two entirely different experiences." Meaning he may have thought you got on well together but he simply wasn't feeling the connection like you were. He even told you this, it's unclear to me why you choose to not believe him. And I understand that, I appreciate that but I’m self aware enough to know when a guy connects with me, he was the one holding my hand across the table telling me ‘wow, I really feel me and you get along, I’ve really glad I’ve met you.’ And he was so sincere in how he said it. Why would you say those things if you didn’t meant it. I’ve been reading about avoidant attachment style and I wonder if he was that, as things were going well and it spooked him in some way and he felt safer pulling away. Hence he came back when he felt safe again Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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