Discovering Infidelity a Year After Breaking Up

[Kampuniform3]

Mid-month, I was contacted by my ex partner’s friend’s husband, who disclosed that in the months leading up to my breakup with my partner a year ago, my ex had been having an affair.

Enough time has passed that the fallout from the original rupture has passed, and in the interval I have successfully moved on from this dark episode in my life.

However, this new piece of information puts a new complexion on everything, and try as I might, it’s pulled me out of a state of emotional equilibrium, and right back into the truly awful circumstances leading up to my departure from her a year ago. 

The breakup was incredibly awful, and its sting stayed with me for a very long time.

Having to add this new layer of horror catapults it into one of the most tortuously painful experiences of my entire life.

I truly wish that I hadn’t decided to confirm the husband’s disclosure by having a look at my ex’s social media.

There she was a year ago, leading the life of Riley in her new boyfriend’s pool, with a big smile on her face, and in his new Corvette. 
 

If you read my initial account of my breakup, you’ll appreciate how truly awful this is…not that it wasn’t already inexcusable, but adding infidelity to the mix raises this episode to stratospheric levels of betrayal. 
 

In a nutshell, I sacrificed everything in the furtherance of our cause, and as I had defied a mandatory evacuation order when the largest forest fire in the province’s history was making its way towards our recently purchased property, I was prepared to even sacrifice my life safeguarding everything we had worked towards. 
 

Within two weeks of me clearing an acre by hand around our house, with a raging forest fire within a kilometre bearing down on me, she was luxuriating in a pool on another man’s property.

There are no words I can use to describe the disgust I feel, and the feeling of betrayal is really something spectacular. Even a year later, it stings like bloody hell.

A year later, should this still bother me? Clearly she is a crap human being, and there is no loss to mourn, but why has this rankled me so badly?

I thought that I was over all this painful bullshi* nonsense.

 

 

[ShySoul]

Betrayal hurts. Betrayal like that,by the person we have pledged our life to, and risked our life for, is like being stabbed with a sword and being forced to slowly bleed out.

So yes, it should still bother you and there is nothing wrong with feeling that way.

And while the breakup was long ago, this new information is fresh. You've only just begun to process it. It's reopening the wound and will require it's own length of time to comes to term with. That will take however long it takes.

Look at it this way, you now know the complete truth. Any suspicions that might have lingered, any doubts that hung in the back corners of your mind, can now be put out. You have the full scale of how awful this person treated you. It can't get worse and once you've been able to process this, you will be able to set her behind forever. 

The truth hurts. It can drive us to great sorrow. But the truth sets us free. You will get through it and you will leave her behind once and for all, moving forward to something better. You will be free to live a happier life then she could have provided. And one day, hopefully you'll find someone better.

So sorry you are hurting. You didn't deserve this. Cry the tears and will the hurt if that is what you need. But know you are better off without her. You'll make it through.

[catfeeder]

My heart goes out to you, KU. I can appreciate how the new information is a double-edge sword. It resolved some of the questions and unknowns you grappled with for so long, even while it informed you of a larger betrayal than you had considered during this time.

While this likely feels like a setback to square one in your grief over losing such a long and committed relationship, it cannot take the progress you've already made away from you. I like the term you used, "a new complexion." So, of course, it adds a new dimension to your grief, and I'm so sorry that you are faced with working through such a cruel and ugly reality.

You can decide whether it might be helpful to look back over your earlier contributions to the running thread on 'No Contact'. I read some of your entries, and it sounded as though you were doing some great foundational work on letting go of your ex. Some of your own words might help to fortify your outlook, even while you may encounter some points that challenge your psyche to accept this outcome through a new lens.

Regardless, I hope you always feel welcome to write more if it helps. Head high.

 

[shouldhavelearned]

Why would they even say anything?

I don't see why waiting that long to speak up was beneficial.

[ShySoul]

1 hour ago, shouldhavelearned said:

Why would they even say anything?

I don't see why waiting that long to speak up was beneficial.

Maybe they just found out themselves? Maybe it was weighing on their conscience and felt like they needed to speak up, get it off their chest? 

It's a mixed bag on if people think it's beneficial or not. I can see people saying it will only hurt the other more. Personally, I'm on the side of the truth being known. If someone cheated on me, I'd want to know. Opinions will vary. 

Kampuniform3, you were doing good. You'll get back there. You were moving forward, so keep doing what you were doing. 

[shouldhavelearned]

Maybe

Just odd to wait that long if they really cared

[Kwothe28]

I suggest you look at it from another angle: She is another man problem now.

I am serious. You could have married or have a kid with somebody like that. Which would probably mean that you would have to deal with somebody who practices infidelity for life. But now she is another man problem, not yours. Now you are free from evil and can find somebody who will be way better. Its a cause for celebration, not sorrow. Sure, betrayal hurts. But after a while you will realize that you will be way better without somebody like that. 

Also, the man who contacted you, is it the same man who she escaped from you during fires? Do you think he told you because she had an affair with him too but left him for that other man as well?

[Kampuniform3]

19 hours ago, ShySoul said:

Betrayal hurts. Betrayal like that,by the person we have pledged our life to, and risked our life for, is like being stabbed with a sword and being forced to slowly bleed out.

So yes, it should still bother you and there is nothing wrong with feeling that way.

And while the breakup was long ago, this new information is fresh. You've only just begun to process it. It's reopening the wound and will require it's own length of time to comes to term with. That will take however long it takes.

Look at it this way, you now know the complete truth. Any suspicions that might have lingered, any doubts that hung in the back corners of your mind, can now be put out. You have the full scale of how awful this person treated you. It can't get worse and once you've been able to process this, you will be able to set her behind forever. 

The truth hurts. It can drive us to great sorrow. But the truth sets us free. You will get through it and you will leave her behind once and for all, moving forward to something better. You will be free to live a happier life then she could have provided. And one day, hopefully you'll find someone better.

So sorry you are hurting. You didn't deserve this. Cry the tears and will the hurt if that is what you need. But know you are better off without her. You'll make it through.

ShySoul: I’m indebted to you, as your candour has worked like a tonic, restoring my equilibrium.

19 hours ago, catfeeder said:

My heart goes out to you, KU. I can appreciate how the new information is a double-edge sword. It resolved some of the questions and unknowns you grappled with for so long, even while it informed you of a larger betrayal than you had considered during this time.

While this likely feels like a setback to square one in your grief over losing such a long and committed relationship, it cannot take the progress you've already made away from you. I like the term you used, "a new complexion." So, of course, it adds a new dimension to your grief, and I'm so sorry that you are faced with working through such a cruel and ugly reality.

You can decide whether it might be helpful to look back over your earlier contributions to the running thread on 'No Contact'. I read some of your entries, and it sounded as though you were doing some great foundational work on letting go of your ex. Some of your own words might help to fortify your outlook, even while you may encounter some points that challenge your psyche to accept this outcome through a new lens.

Regardless, I hope you always feel welcome to write more if it helps. Head high.

 

No less deserving is catfeeder, whose perspicuity immediately fleshes out the heart of the matter.

I think that the most alarming discovery that I made is that it calls into question my understanding not only of life, but also the people who inhabited my life.

It’s analogous to the physical therapy I received for a shoulder impingement over the winter. Prior to my injury, I had prided myself on my physical prowess, being a gym habitué for 16 years. It later emerged through my physical therapy that despite making tremendous strides in my physical development over that those 16 years, I wasn’t paying scrupulous attention to my technique, and that a debilitating injury was an inevitability. 
 

Quoting Thomas Sowell, “It doesn’t matter how smart you are, unless you stop and think”

 

[Kampuniform3]

13 hours ago, shouldhavelearned said:

Maybe

Just odd to wait that long if they really cared

Sorry, I should have clarified my statement: it was a recent discovery of the husband’s that his wife had deliberately kept from him.  
 

Apparently, even my former partner understood that the optics on this would not be viewed favourably, so even after my departure, she was extremely discrete regarding her new partner. 
 

From my perspective, although this new piece of information was painfully received, as Kwothe28 noted, it unequivocally closes and locks the door to the past. 
 

10 hours ago, Kwothe28 said:

I suggest you look at it from another angle: She is another man problem now.

I am serious. You could have married or have a kid with somebody like that. Which would probably mean that you would have to deal with somebody who practices infidelity for life. But now she is another man problem, not yours. Now you are free from evil and can find somebody who will be way better. Its a cause for celebration, not sorrow. Sure, betrayal hurts. But after a while you will realize that you will be way better without somebody like that. 

Also, the man who contacted you, is it the same man who she escaped from you during fires? Do you think he told you because she had an affair with him too but left him for that other man as well?

Thank you, Kwothe28, and I couldn’t agree more, as this is information to be celebrated rather than something to be mourned. 

Regarding the husband, no, I don’t suspect that he was anything other than an interested bystander. His personality was extremely retiring, preferring his own company almost exclusively. He took an active interest in me at the time, because he could see that how things transpired were unjust. Indeed, he was a stridently vocal advocate for me at that critical time when I desperately needed one.

His one ambition was to live alone in a cabin in the woods. Having had an exposure to his wife, I understood why.

 

[SooSad33]

23 hours ago, Kampuniform3 said:

A year later, should this still bother me? Clearly she is a crap human being, and there is no loss to mourn, but why has this rankled me so badly?

I thought that I was over all this painful bullshi* nonsense.

Nah, if you had someone you truly loved and wanted a future with, for sure this would crush you some more 😕 .

I guess, in the end, you be glad you're out of it all now?

Sorry you had to experience it all.. I know what pain is like 😞 .  Sucks, when we end up emotionally invested in some real A holes.... sigh.

This may, at this time, set you back a notch or two... but continue on.. and as mentioned, be glad you are finally done with it all.. and she's someone else's problem if this is how she is.  😉 

Be glad the trash took itself out 🙂 

 

 

[TeeDee]

Reframe how you view this.  

Instead of being hurt all over again, use this new info as further confirmation that you made the right decision by breaking up because she wasn't a good person.  Congratulate yourself for getting out! 

[Kampuniform3]

1 hour ago, TeeDee said:

Reframe how you view this.  

Instead of being hurt all over again, use this new info as further confirmation that you made the right decision by breaking up because she wasn't a good person.  Congratulate yourself for getting out! 

Thanks, TeeDee. 
 

I should be congratulating the new guy on the amazing new life he’ll be exposed to.

[smackie9]

You are still grieving the loss of a life you should of had. Since this is bringing you to new lows, and more pain...have you considered counselling? Can't be carrying around all this hurt by yourself. It's not weakness to get help, but it takes strength to do it.