The uncertainty is killing me

[Nebulyrica]

I'm a newly minted sophomore in college and 6 months ago, I got dumped by the first boy I ever loved. It was a blindside, I was devastated, did the begging and pleading thing when he briefly came back a month and a half later, and then just tried to cope when he left again. I would tell myself that I'd probably hear back from him at some point and that delusion got me through the end of the spring semester. Then, I went home for summer break and had to cope with the loss of that hope that he would come back and it was like going through heartbreak again. But then, I got hit up by someone I hadn't seen in 3 years. My senior in high school who I was in a club with and he graduated 2 years before me, let's call him S. I also reconnected with another friend I knew from that same club and I introduced them. We've all been hanging out over this summer and it's been a blast since we all share the same interests. Honestly, even though I began the summer on a really bad note (relapsing on my heartbreak from the breakup), it ended up being the best summer I ever had. I've never met someone I have so much in common with as S and honestly, I really like him. I don't know how he feels but it's possible that the feeling is mutual. He's the one who hit me up, wanted to hang out more often, started sending me insta reels, and told me that maybe we can hang out at his college this winter.

And now summer is over and I'm ending my first week back at uni. I was very much dreading it before and now I'm feeling cautiously optimistic. My freshman year started out alright but I had some roommate issues and then getting dumped by my ex really took a toll on me. My roommate last year was not a bad person, but she was rather uptight and I felt like I could never keep up with her demands. For example, I'd vacuum and then she'd ask me if I cleaned and I'd be like I literally just did. Funnily enough, her side of the room was way more cluttered than mine ("Oh but it's not an organization issue, it's a cleanliness issue!"). My suitemates were more friendly with her than they were with me and it escalated into a bit of a mess that was really humiliating and disheartening for me. Having issues with the very people I lived with, then getting dumped by my ex just a month later was honestly a 1-2 punch of rejection that still hurts to this day. For this school year, with some hesitation, I agreed to room with one of my friends who means well but can be a bit much personality wise. I was unsure of how this would go but so far, I'm actually happier than I thought I would be. We communicate better than my old roommate and I did. She's not a stickler about having the room one way. She's actually slightly messier than me but I was never actually that messy in hindsight so it doesn't bother me. I've also been spending some more time with the people in my major and becoming better friends with them and that has made me feel better. I'm actually feeling slightly hopeful that sophomore year will go better for me than freshman year did, but I go back and forth because freshman year was lowkey traumatizing lol.

Recently, I noticed that my ex unblocked me and it gives me mixed feelings. The thing about my ex and I was that our chemistry was top tier but we had few things in common. That was his basis for dumping me. I loved him very much and I didn't really see anything as a deal breaker because I felt that we did have the fundamentals in common (similar views on religion, children, marriage, family), even if we were different in other ways (he was an introvert to my extrovert, country boy to my city girl, preferred to stay in and watch TV shows while I liked to explore different places and try new things). Clearly, he saw things differently and I guess there was nothing I could do to change his mind about that. I'm doing much better than before but I would be lying if I said I was 100% over it. I saw him pull out of the uni parking lot as I was exiting class the other day and it did make my heart ache slightly. It's stupid. He was incredibly cold to me in the breakup and then when he talked to me again, he just wanted sex. I deserve better than him. In hindsight, the breakup allowed me to grow a lot. My ex was my first everything and I became a lot more comfortable in my skin throughout my relationship with him and in the months since the breakup, I've become more self aware and mature. I feel more like an adult. I can probably do better than him. But God, if there isn't a part of my heart that still goes "Why couldn't I have the boy I loved *this* much by my side?" I don't think I'd get back with my ex at this point because he absolutely destroyed all the trust I had in him and I've met someone who could potentially be a far better fit but I wish I didn't still have some feelings left for him. I feel unable to get rid of those last bits of feelings. Do they ever go away?

The uncertainty is killing me here. I wonder why my ex unblocked me, if he ever misses me or thinks about me from time to time. I wonder if I could hear back from him sometime. I honestly don't even know how I would react if he did contact me again. Sometimes I entertain the possibility of being with him again, other times I want him to come back so I can release my anger at him. If he comes back and I somehow give him another chance, it would be a difficult road for him to regain my trust and I cannot guarantee that I wouldn't blow up at him from time to time in the beginning. Me even giving him another chance would be a miracle considering that there's someone else who might be interested in me who seems far more compatible. My insecurities get the best of me here though. S and I have a lot in common and I'm relatively good looking but sometimes I can't fathom the possibility that he might be interested in me. I can be irresponsible, awkward, and moody and there's a lot that I still don't know how to do yet. I'm not the sharpest tool in the shed but S is one of the smartest people I have ever met. He's of a higher class than I am. I constantly think back to that 1-2 punch of being rejected by my suitemates and then my ex and I feel incredibly inadequate compared to everyone else. Uni has just started back up and so far it seems like it will probably be better than last year but I still feel anxious. I feel like I have no idea what might happen this year, from both a general standpoint and a romantic one. I just need some hope right now.

[Batya33]

I would not read into an ex unblocking you as meaning that he wants to be in a relationship with you.  A person who wants to be with you would never be indirect and let you slip through his fingers.  I married my ex-fiancee -we got back together years later.  He made it simple and clear that he wanted to get back together -and why.  Yes your ex might be interested in seeing what you post, in chatting with you online but obviously if he wanted you to be his girlfriend why in the world would he risk hoping you'd read into some social media sign like that to mean he wanted to be with you in a serious relationship?  

If he thinks you had little in common and now changed his mind he will let you know that but it sounds like you don't feel like you're worthy of him and I don't think that's a healthy basis for a relationship.

I'm sorry about the suitemates situation -I had a lot of trouble my freshman year being harassed and bullied by certain of my suitemates.  I'm sorry you had all these conflicts come up all at once. I hope things improve!

[Nebulyrica]

It’s not my ex that I feel unworthy of. It’s my senior from high school that I reconnected with. I have a lot in common with him but I don’t feel worthy because I’m not as smart as him, am kind of irresponsible, and am of a lower class.

[rainbowsandroses]

1 hour ago, Nebulyrica said:

I wish I didn't still have some feelings left for him. I feel unable to get rid of those last bits of feelings. Do they ever go away?

They may not, but will lessen in time and if you remain 100% NC.

I know you can't prevent spontaneously seeing him around or running into him, but try to avoid him if you can.

Probably not what you want to hear but I truly believe there are some people that come into our lives whom we will never forget, not all the way.

We can love them from a distance and carry on, even fall in love with someone else. 

But there will always be a special place in our heart and that's okay imo. 

Give it some time, that old saying 'time heals' is definitely true. 

 

[ShySoul]

1 hour ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Probably not what you want to hear but I truly believe there are some people that come into our lives whom we will never forget, not all the way.

We can love them from a distance and carry on, even fall in love with someone else. 

But there will always be a special place in our heart and that's okay imo. 

Exactly.

It dosn't have to be a bad thing to still have some feelings for a person. People like that enter our lives for a reason. They help us grow and teach us things about ourselves. They give us moments of happiness. At that point in time these people were important to us and were who we needed in our life. Even if something happens and you part ways, you can still appreciate what you had for however long you had it.

The key is finding a way to separate and value what was in the past, while respecting yourself and taking care of what you need in the present. It's coming to terms with the fact that they do have a special place in your heart, but that your heart has room for others who will better be able to fulfill your needs.

My first love was 19 years ago. It ended badly with her crushing an already fragile heart. I felt just as you do, Nebulyrica. I knew I deserved better. I thought about what it would be like to get with her. I actually did unleash my anger at one point and yell at her (which for me is really unusual). I had so many mixed emotions and uncertainty, it was a roller coaster where I never knew what was coming next. And even when someone else entered the picture, I still had feelings for her. 

In time I was able to sort my feelings out. I realized that she was important to me and my journey in life, but that she was just the first step to something even better. All these years later I still think about her and wish her well. I know I am better for what happened, but that it wasn't meant to be.

Take all the time you need to heal. You're meant to be is still to come.

[Nebulyrica]

I guess. It’s just that I don’t understand how it isn’t a bad thing. It’s not like I think of him as just a memory that taught me lessons. I think of him in the present. I wonder what he’s doing now, I wonder if he ever thinks about me, that kind of thing. Catching a glimpse of him in the present stirred up a bit of the same emotions I had when he dumped me. By all accounts, I’ve been living my life. I met a lot of people over the summer, I got my first working experience, I started learning to drive, and I’ve become a lot friendlier with the people in my major. My life isn’t necessarily in a bad spot right now. But even with acknowledging that and knowing that I’ve had a lot of growth, I can’t seem to get him off my mind and I don’t know if I ever will. I feel like I’ve reached a state of finality already. I’m open to dating new people and I enjoyed the last encounter I had with someone and I didn’t start comparing him to my ex. I just wish that I could look at things related to my ex and feel indifference like a lot of people do but I can’t

[MissCanuck]

10 hours ago, Nebulyrica said:

other times I want him to come back so I can release my anger at him. If he comes back and I somehow give him another chance, it would be a difficult road for him to regain my trust and I cannot guarantee that I wouldn't blow up at him from time to time in the beginning. Me even giving him another chance would be a miracle

You are giving way too much though to this. All he did was unblock you. There's no indication he wants to reconcile, so why even let your thoughts go there? Don't waste energy musing about something that is likely not going ot happen, girl. 

4 hours ago, Nebulyrica said:

I just wish that I could look at things related to my ex and feel indifference like a lot of people do but I can’t

You are being too impatient and unrealistic with yourself. It's normal to have setbacks when you're still healing. The best thing you can do is delete your ex from your socials/contacts altogether. You don't need access to him anymore, and he doesn't need access to you. It will also help you avoid upsets like this, where the mere act of unblocking has sent you spiraling a bit. 

 

[Kwothe28]

10 hours ago, Nebulyrica said:

The uncertainty is killing me here. I wonder why my ex unblocked me, if he ever misses me or thinks about me from time to time. I wonder if I could hear back from him sometime. I honestly don't even know how I would react if he did contact me again. Sometimes I entertain the possibility of being with him again, other times I want him to come back so I can release my anger at him.

While its certanly normal to go through motions like that, it means you are still healing and that you are not nearly ready to accept that its over. Your ex broke up with you. Yes its your first love and all.  But you need to accept that its over by now. 

You are freshman in college. So many opportunities await there. That are far likely to be way better for you then some guy that dumped you and blocked you on everything. Who knows why he unblocked you. But it really doesnt matter. As you need to move on from that situation. So you can go into new relationships in the future.

[ShySoul]

14 hours ago, Nebulyrica said:

I just wish that I could look at things related to my ex and feel indifference like a lot of people do but I can’t

That takes time. It's a journey that is different for everyone. Some people take longer to reach that point. There's nothing wrong with it. However long it takes is however long it takes. Yes, it's annoying and frustrating. You want to move on and not feel anything for them. But the heart has a mind of it's own and doesn't follow our schedules. Everything you are feeling is normal and natural. It will work itself out when the time is right.

Also realize that just because a lot of people are indifferent, doesn't mean everyone is. There are plenty of people who wil hold onto feelings for a long time. There are people who can't be near someone without falling apart. And even those that appear indifferent may just be hiding it and still break down when they are alone.

How you feel are your feelings, no one else's. This is about you and what you need, so don't compare yourself to anyone else. If some feelings linger, it's okay. The important thing is to not let it crush you or leave you unable to carry on. In that regards, you seem to be doing well.

So carry on and keep living. You are fine. Odds are it won't be long before you will look back on this and realize how close you were to putting him behind you for good.

[rainbowsandroses]

I have come to the conclusion that when it comes to matters of the heart, we (or many of us) can get literally crazy!

Feeling and acting in ways that are completely contrary to how we think we should behave and react and even advising others to react that way as well!

Logically and rationally. 

I've been guilty of that myself!

However when we feel truly in love or in limerence/infatuated, I don't know of anyone who, if being truthful with themselves, can just cut their feelings off and not be affected by something the object of their affection did or said even if unintentionally.

Or in some cases it IS intentional!  Such as what they write on SM knowing or suspecting you'll read it. 

@NebulyricaI honestly and truly don't know what to tell ya except to continue living your life, try to avoid him as best you can and hopefully someday the feelings will fade. 

 

 

[TeeDee]

College & higher education are about learning.  What you need to learn is to move forward.  

From an academic perspective you are in university.  Does some C you got on a quiz in middle school still matter now?  Of course not!  

Same with relationships.  Very few people end up married to their 1st BF/GF.  He was your training wheels.  You had some fun.  You learned some things.  Now you have had the experience of heartbreak.  It happens.  But it's over.  He's your past.  What he thinks, what he wants, what he's doing shouldn't matter to you.  At best he's like furniture.  If you see him around campus all you have to do is avoid walking into him.  Same with the suitemates.  

It's a new semester.  It's a clean slate.  Focus on your classes & have fun.  What happened last year doesn't matter. 

The guy from HS is somebody back home.  Don't worry about him.  He's not on campus with you.  Maybe he'd be fun to hang out with on break when you are home, but that is it.  Don't have any other expectations. 

Your worries that you are of a "lower class" or are not as smart as him indicate some level of self esteem issues.  You need to work on your self confidence.  Read some self help books.  Get some peer counseling or access some other on campus mental health services.  You need to learn to believe in yourself.  

[shouldhavelearned]

You're young

Have fun and enjoy uni

 

Meet people, talk to people, go places with people

You don't have to marry or get sexual with the next guy 

[ShySoul]

On 8/29/2024 at 4:59 PM, Nebulyrica said:

It’s not my ex that I feel unworthy of. It’s my senior from high school that I reconnected with. I have a lot in common with him but I don’t feel worthy because I’m not as smart as him, am kind of irresponsible, and am of a lower class.

Love and relationships aren't about worth. No one is worthy or unworthy. It shouldn't have anything to do with intelligence or class. What matters is the the connection between the two people involved. 

Do you get along and relate well with each other? Do you have fun together? Do you share the same values, beliefs, and interests? Do you respect one another, love one another? That is what makes a relationship last and worth keeping. 

You are worthy of love. Everyone is. And if he wants to be with you, and you with him, then be together. All those are superficial things don't mean a thing if both people's heart are set on each other. 

[SooSad33]

On 8/29/2024 at 6:40 PM, Nebulyrica said:

The uncertainty is killing me here. I wonder why my ex unblocked me, if he ever misses me or thinks about me from time to time. I wonder if I could hear back from him sometime. I honestly don't even know how I would react if he did contact me again. Sometimes I entertain the possibility of being with him again, other times I want him to come back so I can release my anger at him. If he comes back and I somehow give him another chance, it would be a difficult road for him to regain my trust and I cannot guarantee that I wouldn't blow up at him from time to time in the beginning.

I know.. all of the thoughts, mixed emotions and 'what ifs'.. But don't!

Don't go back to him - he hurt you and you know it. Fine if he UN blocked you but leave it at that.  Expect and want no more to do with him.  I know you can do this 😉 .

As for S, please don't go jumping into anything anytime fast here.  You're still stuck on the thoughts of your ex at this time.  See how you're feeling another 2 months from now.

You know you ARE over someone when you see them and it makes no difference to you. Meaning, no reaction and no care in the world.  I don't feel you're there yet.

So, carry on as you are.  Focus on your new surroundings and studies.  Maybe try journaling.  I find that always helps "get it out' another way. 🙂 .

Take it easy and just be kind to yourself and focus for now on YOU only.

[AuthenticSelf]

Why removing the uncertainty important to you?

What would you do if you know your ex wanted to get back?