I don't know what to do. I'm ONLY attracted to tiny women.

[rainbowsandroses]

1 hour ago, Tinydance said:

Wow sorry but just because you don't literally call someone "blob fat whale" doesn't mean you're not fat shaming. 

@TinydanceI think I'm gonna have to disagree with you. 

I don't see how stating a preference if done in a respectful way which OP has imo equates to "shaming." 

I'm blonde and if a man stated he's not attracted to blonde women and prefers brunettes, is he shaming me given I'm blonde. Or shaming blondes?

Weight is such a sensitive topic and the word shaming gets tossed around quite a bit as a result imo.

Serious question but what terminology would be acceptable to describe ones  preference for slimmer people versus larger overweight people?

Or did I just now fat shame by referring to them as larger or overweight?

I'm not being flip I promise I'm actually quite confused about it.

 

[Tinydance]

12 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

@TinydanceI think I'm gonna have to disagree with you. 

I don't see how stating a preference if done in a respectful way which OP has imo equates to "shaming." 

I'm blonde and if a man stated he's not attracted to blonde women and prefers brunettes, is he shaming me given I'm blonde. Or shaming blondes?

Weight is such a sensitive topic and the word shaming gets tossed around quite a bit as a result imo.

Serious question but what terminology would be acceptable to describe ones  preference for slimmer people versus larger overweight people?

Or did I just now fat shame by referring to them as larger or overweight?

I'm not being flip I promise I'm actually quite confused about it.

 

Well at least one or two other posters apart from me have noticed and said OP was fat shaming or using fat shaming language. I think if there was nothing to it then why would at least 2 - 3 posters here pick up on it? 

We need to remember as well that he himself said things like that he's not attracted to "big" women and his attraction stops at size 9 US. I had a look at a size conversion chart and in Australia we don't have sizes go up by one but only by two. So size 6, 8, 10, etc. But I think size 9 US would be size 12 Australian tops. Here size 10 Australian is called small (S) and that would be like US 6 or 8 I think. Size 8 US, 12 here is called medium (m). So it's not considered big or plus size or anything like that. I understand OP specifically said he's only into tiny women so he specified. But calling women big who are of medium or average size at best to me does sound like fat shaming.

And maybe if you're slim yourself and never struggled with your weight, someone making many comments on size, body shape, inch measurements etc. isn't triggering to you. But to me as a more "plus size" person it's triggering.

And when speaking about himself OP speaks about himself very positively in regards to being overweight. He said he carries it very well, he looks like an ex football player. And he likened himself to Ben Affleck. Sure it was in size only but Ben Affleck is a hot Hollywood actor. So he really downplays his own being overweight and says it's nothing and all positive and he looks good. But when it's a woman bigger than size 9 it's fat, obese, big. So yes that doesn't sit right with me. He's "fat shaming" women but to him the same obviously doesn't apply. Which is pretty double standard.

[Areophile]

@Tinydance You keep misquoting me. I didn't say that women size 9 or above are big or overweight. I said my ATTRACTION stops at about a size 9. I think 12+ would be big or overweight, and most women my age that I am seeing on dating apps and in the wild (clubs, special interest groups) are 18+ US. That is no exaggeration. 

[Tinydance]

3 minutes ago, Areophile said:

@Tinydance You keep misquoting me. I didn't say that women size 9 or above are big or overweight. I said my ATTRACTION stops at about a size 9. I think 12+ would be big or overweight, and most women my age that I am seeing on dating apps and in the wild (clubs, special interest groups) are 18+ US. That is no exaggeration. 

Well I think I'll stop participating in this conversation now as I'm size 16 Australian or 12 US and this thread has made me feel very uncomfortable and bad about my size. Bye.

[rainbowsandroses]

22 minutes ago, Tinydance said:

Well at least one or two other posters apart from me have noticed and said OP was fat shaming or using fat shaming language. I think if there was nothing to it then why would at least 2 - 3 posters here pick up on it? 

I didn't say there was "nothing to it" Tiny. 

I asked you two questions - one about blondes and the other asking what terminology would be acceptable.

And I would pose the same questions to others who believe OP to be fat shaming as well.

Personally, I dislike the word "fat." I always have.  I do view that as shaming language while others may not. 

But words like big or large or overweight?  I dunno again confusing because I myself would like to know if I'm fat shaming by using such terms?

22 minutes ago, Tinydance said:

And he likened himself to Ben Affleck. Sure it was in size only but Ben Affleck is a hot Hollywood actor.

My read on that was he compared himself to Ben Affleck as Ben is a public figure who everyone is familiar with not because he's a hot Hollywood actor. 

He also clearly stated he was NOT as good looking as Ben Affleck so displayed some humility there. 

Again jmo we can agree to disagree. 

 

[Tinydance]

1 minute ago, rainbowsandroses said:

I didn't say there was "nothing to it" Tiny. 

I asked you two questions - one about blondes and the other asking what terminology would be acceptable.

And I would pose the same questions to others who believe OP to be fat shaming as well.

Personally, I dislike using the word "fat." I always have.  I do view that as shaming language while others may not. 

But words like big or large or overweight?  I dunno again confusing because I myself would like to know if I'm fat shaming by using such terms?

My read on that was he compared himself to Ben Affleck as Ben is a public figure who everyone is familiar with not because he's a hot Hollywood actor. 

He also clearly stated he was NOT as good looking as Ben Affleck so displayed some humility there. 

Again jmo we can agree to disagree. 

 

I'm only commenting because you asked me a question and I forgot to respond lol One example I can think of the blonde one is simply just language being used. For example my old roommate was throwing out some Playboy posters who were all of blonde women. And said "I'm throwing them out because blondes are unattractive." And I'm blonde as well so obviously that's offensive. Also in the case of this particular topic, I don't really see the need to continue discussing specific body shape like "apple shape" and whether a man's shoulders must be wider than his stomach, otherwise he's fat. Like I literally never thought about stuff like that? Like who cares? 

[ShySoul]

1 minute ago, Tinydance said:

Well I think I'll stop participating in this conversation now as I'm size 16 Australian or 12 US and this thread has made me feel very uncomfortable and bad about my size. Bye.

Tinydance, sorry if you feel offended. For what it's worth, that seems to be under the average for a woman in the US. And even if it was "big" I, and many others certainly wouldn't have a problem with it. For me I'd think of it as real woman size. All other (and more important) factors being equal, I'll take someone that size over the supermodel small sizes anyday.

Just now, Tinydance said:

Like I literally never thought about stuff like that? Like who cares?

Agreed. It's the person that counts, not height, weight, shoulders, or anything as on the outside. I've never thought in those terms either.

But that view tends to be in the minority. A lot of people need that physical attraction first. So they view things in that light. 

People will seek things out according to where they place the importance. But as I said before, if you limit your attraction based on certain criteria, that automatically takes out a range of options. You're not wrong to have a preference, but you have to accept the consequences of only staying with that prefence.

[rainbowsandroses]

37 minutes ago, Tinydance said:

And maybe if you're slim yourself and never struggled with your weight, someone making many comments on size, body shape, inch measurements etc. isn't triggering to you. But to me as a more "plus size" person it's triggering.

^^Tiny, I've posted about this previously but I nearly died from a serious eating disorder years ago and still struggle!

And I've actually been 'shamed' in the other direction, for being too thin!  I mean some really nasty stuff. 

U.S size 12 is considered average here but I do understand how the topic might be triggering for you and certainly don't wish to add to that.

So will gracefully bow out and apologies if I upset you in any way. 

 

 

 

 

[Jaunty]

On 8/29/2024 at 5:33 PM, Areophile said:

 Rooney Mara, Jenna Ortega

Even though they are both petite brunettes, these two women are extremely different types IMO.  

 

[Batya33]

I hope this is ok but now that Ohio has been referenced a few times I really wanted to share this. I am not from Ohio but I was in Ohio visiting a dear friend many years ago and her lovely family took us to dinner at one of those American places in a rustic inn.  Fancier side.  I was a NYC chick, petite and slim as mentioned.  So I asked for the gravy on the side -think like American style turkey dinner with stuffing -like that. 

I was an On The Side girl at restaurants in NYC -salad dressing, etc.  

Dish comes DOUSED in gravy and then the waiter brings me extra gravy in a fancy boat shaped dish on the side.  Because .... Ohio - so they assumed I wanted extra gravy LOL -gotta get some more meat on the bones.

Please I am not fat shaming at all or shaming anyone who loves extra gravy -please enjoy!!!  But yes perhaps the midwest is a bit different with body types than NYC.

[SophiaG]

@rainbowsandroses Sorry to hear about your struggle! Hope you are enjoying food better now.

Like @Tinydance said I think the double standard is what ticks many people off. Also funny that I don't think we have size 9 in the US either - that's a juniors size. Now I myself sometimes pick up a piece of junior clothing because it's so cute and I can't find something similar in adult size - for reference I wear 4-6 women size and junior 9 is sometimes too small for me and I need to go 11. Not sure if OP thought 9 is just the size above 8 or something..

And OP still never addresses the part that he seems emotionally unavailable as he's determined to not get over his ex. That IMO will be a deal breaker for any self loving woman if they are looking for a serious /long term relationship. OP also sounds totally capable of finding much younger (30s) women to date who are presumably slim but do not satisfy his other criteria - I mean, that's totally fair! Nobody is perfect and it's a well known fact of the dating market that if you are that strict on one thing, be it body shape, hair color or education/income, you'd better be ready to sacrifice some other preferences or face a hard time finding a good match. Also keep in mind your own shortcomings or undesirable qualities may exponentially increase that difficulty, such as a forever torch for an ex.

[waffle]

5 hours ago, Batya33 said:

Dish comes DOUSED in gravy and then the waiter brings me extra gravy in a fancy boat shaped dish on the side.  Because .... Ohio - so they assumed I wanted extra gravy LOL -gotta get some more meat on the bones.

I'm very well traveled in the U.S. and I can promise you mistakes happen all over, not just in the midwest.  And has nothing to do with one's weight.

[waffle]

I've always found that there is no relation between someone's appearance and their sex appeal.  I was in a restaurant in Chicago about three weeks ago and my waiter was easily one of the best-looking men I've seen in a long time.  He was a fine specimen of a man, let me tell you.  I tried not to stare at him but I loved looking at him.  Yet I felt no sexual attraction or desire to sleep with him or anything remotely related to that.  I just wanted to look at him.  Much like you might enjoy a view of the beach from an oceanfront condo.

I've been around enough to know that sexuality isn't related to someone's looks at all.  And I feel very fortunate to have been one of the few who have been able to figure that out.

[Batya33]

26 minutes ago, waffle said:

I'm very well traveled in the U.S. and I can promise you mistakes happen all over, not just in the midwest.  And has nothing to do with one's weight.

I was doing this post as a joke - the waiter did not make a mistake he assumed I wanted extra gravy. Nothing to do with my weight -that was just my joking take on it.  In NYC it was understood at the time that on the side with dressing/gravy was most often to eat fewer calories/fat (although sometimes because of level of spiciness).  I was amused as were all my dining companions. I've traveled all over the US and internationally as well.

[Batya33]

7 minutes ago, waffle said:

He was a fine specimen of a man, let me tell you.  I tried not to stare at him but I loved looking at him.  Yet I felt no sexual attraction or desire to sleep with him or anything remotely related to that.  I just wanted to look at him.  Much like you might enjoy a view of the beach from an oceanfront condo.

I've been around enough to know that sexuality isn't related to someone's looks at all.  And I feel very fortunate to have been one of the few who have been able to figure that out.

I agree. Often I find that what is called attraction really is bound up with -arm candy or the need to feel feminine or masculine which can be part of sexual attraction but not always - the really petite woman who insists her partner be over 6 feet, etc

[Coily]

I'm really triggered by the Mid-West Shaming!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Literally Shaking

Back on track. OP, there are a few things I think are more of a hindrance to your dating than your physical preference; it's you having a lot of other overly specific qualifications: Politics, Sub-culture, etc etc. Not wrong to have those preferences, but given how you presented them here, it's probably turning off a lot of potential dates.

There in I think is ultimately your problem. You come off a haughty and full of yourself. Not confident or self assured. Yes geography plays a role in the volume of women; but if you come out of the gate with what you did; it's going to turn off a lot of people (especially potential dates) as none of that reflects who you are in how you treat others.

 

[Areophile]

@Coily Of course I don't speak of these things publicly. I sought advice here for a reason. Some of which is unactionable (change what you are attracted to), and some of it is (use dating apps and be patient). 

Another that is completely unactionable for me is this idea (I've heard this before) that looks are unimportant. I'm 58 and I didn't just fall off the turnip truck. Everyone I know and everyone I've EVER known got together INITIALLY  due to a mutual physical/sexual attraction. People know how that plays online, so now there is a massive chorus of people claiming "I don't even look at their exterior, I'm attracted to their SOUL!" Which is a lot of hogwash. 

I have male friends who are very into big women. SOLELY attracted to big women. And that's great for them. I wish I felt that way. Believe me, it would make life much easier and simpler. Another would be if I were gay. I'm not, but I've been propositioned dozens and dozens of times by gay men. Sorry, fellas. 

But, to re-iterate, since I was a young boy of 7, I have only ever and always been attracted to small women. Jane Wiedlin from the Go-Gos. Huge crush when I was younger. I've just never been turned on or attracted to tall or big women. I don't know why. Even someone like Taylor Swift, or Lynda Carter - while both beautiful women, aren't attractive to me because they are tall, that's just how I am. 

[yogacat]

We know your attracted to slim petite women. You don't have to justify it. But the question is, why aren't you getting those women? You mention most of the women that message you are obese. So, maybe that's the type of women that are attracted to you?

Do you go for petite women but they reject you? Some of them you dated and said they had "issues." Just keep looking for women that you're attracted to that are attracted to you. They are out there just maybe harder to find. 

You're 58 and have been attracted to slim/petite women since age 7. So why wouldn't you initiate contact with women you find attractive that are in the petite/slim category? Have you been and not been getting any responses? And when the women that have contacted you you seem to actually go on dates with them (presuming they're not too obese?) and then you find out they have "issues." I'm not trying to judge you but what type of issues are you willing not/willing to deal with?

[SophiaG]

6 hours ago, waffle said:

I've always found that there is no relation between someone's appearance and their sex appeal. 

Good for you! For us shallow people sex appeal definitely has a lot to do with appearance. 😁 Not to say I'll necessarily find every good looking man sexy, especially when I'm in a relationship, but I rarely if ever feel attracted to someone if I don't think they are good looking!

[Areophile]

@yogacat Fair question. The answer is that the slim women are too much younger than me for my comfort. The last half dozen women I've dated have all been in their 30s. I'm just not finding any, and I mean ANY single, available women in their 50s who aren't full-figured. I have met a few in their 50s that I was attracted to, but they were/are all married, so I just admired them from afar. I'm a very monogamous man, and I would not try to break up a marriage. I've also had some "polyamorous" women attracted to me, but since I find the poly lifestyle repugnant, I didn't return her advances. I don't want to live in a stable with the other horses, you know? I'm a one filly stallion (to beat the metaphor like a d*** horse). 

So, in a nutshell, I want to date a peer that is slender, but - at least in my area - I don't even see any. 

[Batya33]

Just now, Areophile said:

@yogacat Fair question. The answer is that the slim women are too much younger than me for my comfort. The last half dozen women I've dated have all been in their 30s. I'm just not finding any, and I mean ANY single, available women in their 50s who aren't full-figured. I have met a few in their 50s that I was attracted to, but they were/are all married, so I just admired them from afar. I'm a very monogamous man, and I would not try to break up a marriage. I've also had some "polyamorous" women attracted to me, but since I find the poly lifestyle repugnant, I didn't return her advances. I don't want to live in a stable with the other horses, you know? I'm a one filly stallion (to beat the metaphor like a d*** horse). 

So, in a nutshell, I want to date a peer that is slender, but - at least in my area - I don't even see any. 

I'm 58 5"2 and underweight by a couple pounds -very thin. I have been slim my whole life or very thin except when I was pregnant and for a few months post pregnancy till I lost the weight (although in your analysis the weight I had left to lose after would have put me in your acceptable category).  I got pregnant at age 41.  I am now and have been for years now -10 pounds less than when I got pregnant -or more - and yes I've gone through the change of life.  My sister is thin like me in her 60s as is my mother in her late 80s.  I know many many women who are petite, slim and in my age range.  I know many many women who gained a lot of weight after having kids and especially gained more during the pandemic.  

So - move then - relocate.  I did that although only 9 miles - to live right in the middle of a city teeming with singles when I was 28 and finished grad school and moved out of my parents' home finally. Moved into a really high rent district where I also could walk to work so that my commute time didn't cut into my social lfie.  

Sure it might not be possible but seems to me atheist and slim and democrat in the midwest might be a Tall Order pun intended.

[yogacat]

12 minutes ago, Areophile said:

@yogacat Fair question. The answer is that the slim women are too much younger than me for my comfort. The last half dozen women I've dated have all been in their 30s. I'm just not finding any, and I mean ANY single, available women in their 50s who aren't full-figured. I have met a few in their 50s that I was attracted to, but they were/are all married, so I just admired them from afar. I'm a very monogamous man, and I would not try to break up a marriage. I've also had some "polyamorous" women attracted to me, but since I find the poly lifestyle repugnant, I didn't return her advances. I don't want to live in a stable with the other horses, you know? I'm a one filly stallion (to beat the metaphor like a d*** horse). 

So, in a nutshell, I want to date a peer that is slender, but - at least in my area - I don't even see any. 

I know of plenty women in their 50s that are slim, my sister and myself being one. Although, I am 5 foot 5 inches so I probably wouldn't make the cut. 🤪

That must (for lack of a more sophisticated word....) SUCK that you can't find women that you're attracted to to date. But here me out. I never was attracted to older men. But I've found that my tastes have changed.

I find certain things like a few little wrinkles as attractive. The more that I have conversations with older men it makes them more attractive too because you guys really do have a lot of great advice and stories and there's definitely a wisdom there, and I find it all very very attractive. I was conferring with my father's doctor, he's older, looks a bit older, but he was so attractive in personality and intellectually that I thought for a second "doctor your hot!" oops! lol

I think sometimes as we mature (not in age) but mentally, that attraction is deeper otherwise it's just "Shallow Hal." By the by, have you ever seen that movie? It relates 🙂

Not saying you're shallow but the woman is over weight, the whole movie flips and shows her as a slim beauty. Worth a watch.

[Areophile]

@Batya33 Exactly. I wish I could move. My job, alas, is here. 

[Batya33]

Just now, Areophile said:

@Batya33 Exactly. I wish I could move. My job, alas, is here. 

Yes.  I do understand.  I relocated 800 miles 15 years ago for my husband's job -first relocation in my life away from everyone. There is no way I'd have done that other than for marriage and the opportunity to have a family.  I would not have met enough men who fit the criteria on my relatively short list if I'd lived in a smaller midwest city.  I mean it only takes one just saying I maximized my dating pool by moving where I did.

[shouldhavelearned]

21 hours ago, Tinydance said:

Well I think I'll stop participating in this conversation now as I'm size 16 Australian or 12 US and this thread has made me feel very uncomfortable and bad about my size. Bye.

Nothing wrong with a size 12

 

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