I don't know what to do. I'm ONLY attracted to tiny women.

[ShySoul]

56 minutes ago, Areophile said:

And the answer I get is "No, you look like an ex-football player, ex-cop, or ex-military. Big, yes. But not fat.

And there are plenty of women who would go crazy for all of that.

Ignore anyone who will put you down for your weight. As long as you are striving to stay healthy, that's what counts. Sorry you have to deal with judgemental people who would put you down for something so superficial. 

Hope you find what you are looking for.

[Tinydance]

I actually did give some advice, not sure if you're read it OP. You are probably not fat and even if you were, who cares. I've dated fat people and will continue to and I'm happy! I couldn't care less if someone was fat. Maybe if someone was morbidly obese where they can't fit on a plane or a bus seat then yeah it would be a bit worrying.

I think posters here are just being honest though. I mean, I don't think there's really a point in sugar coating the situation. You're allowed to be attracted to whoever you want. But the thing is that there is that saying "like attracts like". Slim,  petite women are actually considered very attractive by most men. That's why I've often found that Western men like Asian women.

So the issue here is you have a lot going against you. You're nearly 60 so women in your age bracket have had kids, have slow metabolisms, etc. And you don't live in Asia but in the US where people are generally much larger. Even if you try to meet women who are 40, well you're 20 years older than them. For example I'm 39 and my mother is 63. So I sort of see someone who's 60 as being a "parent age".

So slim, petite women around your age would have a lot of guys into them. Seeing as they're trim, they might prefer guys that are too. Even if you're not overweight but if you're not slim or are chubby, you might be not their type either. I mean, it's about reality, right? If you were living in your dream land then yeah you could have any petite woman you want. But you're not. You live in real life.

 

[catfeeder]

On 8/31/2024 at 9:48 PM, itsallgrand said:

Only being attracted to petite and thin women is one thing, it's not unattainable. But hopefully you aren't also further shrinking down your pool by only seeking women in a certain subculture? Your choice if you do but that shrinks things way down way more than the petite criteria! 

Yes, exactly. Nothing wrong with narrowing down your dating pool to an age range and a physical type, and nothing wrong with immersing yourself in a subculture. However, if you put those two things together as your only measurement of potential opportunity, then it only makes sense to recognize that as a self-imposed limitation.

Seeking women outside of a subculture that doesn't attract the age range you seek doesn't mean that you can't still enjoy those venues. It's up to you to decide how serious you are about finding your match, and how much of your time you're willing to spend searching outside of the places where she obviously is not.

Head high, and I hope you'll meet her soon.

[Areophile]

Okay. I kind of got the answer I expected, which amounts to: good luck but you probably aren't going to find anyone. Hahaha. In sum: Near-60, Democrat (non-negotiable), slender and petite ---- and one more, I am an atheist and I couldn't comfortably date a woman who believes I'll burn for eternity and is okay with that. 

So, adding up the limiters leaves me with something less than 1% of eligible women, I reckon. Hopeless, in other words. 

  

[Batya33]

7 hours ago, Areophile said:

Okay. I kind of got the answer I expected, which amounts to: good luck but you probably aren't going to find anyone. Hahaha. In sum: Near-60, Democrat (non-negotiable), slender and petite ---- and one more, I am an atheist and I couldn't comfortably date a woman who believes I'll burn for eternity and is okay with that. 

So, adding up the limiters leaves me with something less than 1% of eligible women, I reckon. Hopeless, in other words. 

  

LOL you are describing one of my best friends in the whole world - BUT she swore off dating years ago (divorced for many years, had a very long relationship after her divorce and since then is so so happy on her own -romantically -she's a mom of adults and has grandkids so she's all good -plus friends and hobbies and is an introvert anyway.  So yes they do exist - but she's taken hersself off the market so to speak (as for me I am not an atheist lol but oh right I'm happily married and cannot see myself getting serious again if heaven forbid something happened to my husband - and no he wouldn't burn in eternity 😉

I do wish you luck.  I respect preferences and don't see that you have it for any bad/offensive reason which would be relevant to me anyway. 

[catfeeder]

Oh, c'mOn! Take a Yoga class, dude! Help to get out the vote. Volunteer to walk dogs or train puppies and kittens in shelters. Join a cleanup in your neighborhood, or help with a Habitat for Humanity build. Attend your local Democratic Party meetings.

The women you seek are active in the community, they're not going to show up on your doorstep--unless they're holding clipboards while working to get your party elected. 

You get to choose how important it is to meet your match, but it will require your participation. It's a decision.

[Areophile]

@catfeeder ....uh, why do you assume I don't do anything, have no common sense, and otherwise no intelligence at all? You have developed a picture of me cloistered in a basement den slapping a keyboard all night bemoaning a lack of the "Logan's Run" partner delivery service. That's not me. I do things. I'm social. I interact. I have not given you an exhaustive curriculum vitae of my activities. Anyway, I do those things, and others. So far, not seeing any single, available, compatible women. 

[itsallgrand]

14 hours ago, Areophile said:

Okay. I kind of got the answer I expected, which amounts to: good luck but you probably aren't going to find anyone. Hahaha. In sum: Near-60, Democrat (non-negotiable), slender and petite ---- and one more, I am an atheist and I couldn't comfortably date a woman who believes I'll burn for eternity and is okay with that. 

So, adding up the limiters leaves me with something less than 1% of eligible women, I reckon. Hopeless, in other words. 

  

I can think of quite a few women I know who fit this bill, minus being a Democrat because I/they are not Americans but Canadians. And a lot of them hit up the southern states in the winter! Maybe you have to go where all the sexy Canuck snow birds are lol.

[Morello]

18 hours ago, Areophile said:

Okay. I kind of got the answer I expected, which amounts to: good luck but you probably aren't going to find anyone.   

Given you are not changing your tastes (fairly so), I don't think there's much more anyone here can offer you. Did you come here for sympathy or advice?

Dating in the 50s/60s is notoriously hard, according to what most people say; introducing "filters" will obviously only make it harder, although not impossible. But I guess you already knew that before coming here.

[Tinydance]

I think also considering you were already married and have adult children, you just need to think how important having a partner is to you. I mean, you don't need to have kids, settle down, etc. Unless you're terribly lonely then maybe just relax and enjoy life. Do try to put yourself out there but if it happens, it happens. I mean you've been single for 12 years at this point so I'm assuming you didn't want a partner that badly? Otherwise you could have gone to Asia to bring a woman back with you or something like that. I think finding the type of woman you want requires a huge amount of effort. And it's up to you if you want to make that effort.

[yogacat]

There's nothing wrong with being a bit on the heavier side, but you're going for petite/slim women, and 99 percent of women who are your age will not be steadily petite or skinny.  It's just not the natural progression for a woman whose body has had a few decades of hormonal changes, childbirth and just the plain metabolic changes that occur as people age toward their "elder years."

For the same reason you want slim women are the same reasons that they'll likely want their male partners also to carry the non-overweight ratio and remain slim men.  You can deduce what I am gently trying to suggest given everything we've wrapped up in your physical preference. If you have physical preferences, so do 99 percent of the women that you spoke about. 

[Tinydance]

1 minute ago, yogacat said:

There's nothing wrong with being a bit on the heavier side, but you're going for petite/slim women, and 99 percent of women who are your age will not be steadily petite or skinny.  It's just not the natural progression for a woman whose body has had a few decades of hormonal changes, childbirth and just the plain metabolic changes that occur as people age toward their "elder years."

For the same reason you want slim women are the same reasons that they'll likely want their male partners also to carry the non-overweight ratio and remain slim men.  You can deduce what I am gently trying to suggest given everything we've wrapped up in your physical preference. If you have physical preferences, so do 99 percent of the women that you spoke about. 

Yep

[ShySoul]

22 hours ago, Areophile said:

Okay. I kind of got the answer I expected, which amounts to: good luck but you probably aren't going to find anyone. Hahaha. In sum: Near-60, Democrat (non-negotiable), slender and petite ---- and one more, I am an atheist and I couldn't comfortably date a woman who believes I'll burn for eternity and is okay with that. 

So, adding up the limiters leaves me with something less than 1% of eligible women, I reckon. Hopeless, in other words.   

Each person that sets themselves a list of criteria such as you have goes throught the same struggle, regardless what they are looking for. Somewhere out there is someone looking for a 20 something Republican who is full figured and highly religious. Imagine their struggle in say my birth place of San Francisco? 

Everyone struggles to find just the right person that checks all the bosses. And yet, it keeps happening. It's not hopeless unless you give up hope. 

Rather then lament your condition, look in the places that are more likely to produce the results you want. I'm sure you are active and busy. But the only place I believe you have mentioned was goth clubs that were not fitting what you wanted. So where else are you looking? And are those the places that the kind of woman you are interested in would be at?

If you are willing to go the app route, there is a dating app for everything:

Has to be a democrat? https://leftyapp.com/, 

https://www.democraticpeoplemeet.com

Has to be slim? https://www.petitedating.com/

Good luck.

[Batya33]

OP if the person were to gain weight would you then end the relationship/get a divorce? Would you be ok if the person ended things with you unless you lost weight? I think people who have very specific and unique criteria have a harder time finding a partner especially if they can't offer the same -meaning if the woman in question is as picky as you about physical type she might think  you weigh too much.

[Starlight925]

That's a great question, @Batya33.

One of my closest friends was always a size 2-4, but over the years, with menopause and stress, she's gained maybe 20 lbs., despite the workouts, personal trainer, etc.  She still looks great to me, but she no longer has that head-turning physique, and lucky for her, her husband still finds her gorgeous.

@Areophile, what would you do?

[Areophile]

@Starlight925 and @Batya33 I think I've been completely transparent in this discussion that I would not end a relationship over 20-30 lbs of maturity weight or fluctuations. In the case of my ex-wife, she gained 100+ lbs and simply wasn't appealing to me at all. I still loved her emotionally, but was not attracted to her in a sexual way. She kept that weight on for 8-10 years. I didn't leave her or divorce her. She divorced me. Then immediately lost all the weight. I believe for her that it was a Pyrrhic victory. 

[SophiaG]

Several people here have actually given quite good advice OP, so I'm not sure it's fair to sum it up as the grim prospect you did. Have you given those activities & dating sites a shot?

There's nothing wrong with having physical preferences, though it can be a bit odd to stick to those rigid numbers - for a man your height I doubt 5'4 or 5'5, or even 5'7 makes much difference to you as long as they are thin. If the general body type/physique is what you're after, join activities/clubs with active older ladies like dancing classes, hiking groups, etc. Don't limit yourself to night clubs which I don't know how many 40s-50s ladies frequent.

What jumps out to me is - I'm surprised no one has mentioned this - that you said your heart is spoken for and you'll always carry a torch for your ex. That to me is a bigger problem than your body type preference. Or are you simply not looking for a long term relationship or deeper connection, just casual dating/sex?

Meanwhile, since your ex has worked herself back into shape, have you tried to rekindle a romance with her (assuming she's still available and possibly open to it)?

Not jumping on the fat shaming wagon but for you to call 6'4 210 pounds "a beanpole" while looking for your ideal women with far lower BMI - arguably thinning than a beanpole - does sound like quite the double standard 😉 Personally I love tall, slim, athletic guys so my exes probably all fit into the beanpole type in your books. I myself is slightly above 5'4 and unfortunately above your threshold at 130ish pounds. My current SO is a tad shorter than you and just under 200 pounds yet he's the heaviest partner I've had and while I'm smitten with him, intimacy can be awkward with the size difference as in many positions if he's not careful he can simply crush me. I'm sure there are petite women who wouldn't mind a gentle giant but just want to put that in perspective. We are working out together so hopefully he can lose a few more pounds 😄

Lastly, over the years I've met several people outside my preferred body type that I was surprisingly attracted to. So I'm aware of my preferences while also keeping my options open knowing that occasionally you might just come across some amazing individuals who would make you forget about all the height/weight stuff! But I did online dating and swiped through thousands of profiles so this might be a 1/200-300 chance. So just relax, go out and meet more people. Good luck!

[Areophile]

@SophiaG No, she remarried last year. She began dating the guy just after our divorce so they've been together 10+ years. He's an alcoholic, in an out of rehab. He's a chef. His parents are wealthy, so they bought them a house. All just to say, no - she isn't available. We were married for 17 years, together for 20. Our sons are 20, 23, and 26 now. They HATE her current husband, but it's whatever. Thanks for your thoughts. The "petite dating sites" are all about height, not weight. So, plenty of shorter women in their 50s but literally all of them big. It's an Ohio problem, I think. 

[Tinydance]

3 hours ago, Areophile said:

@SophiaG No, she remarried last year. She began dating the guy just after our divorce so they've been together 10+ years. He's an alcoholic, in an out of rehab. He's a chef. His parents are wealthy, so they bought them a house. All just to say, no - she isn't available. We were married for 17 years, together for 20. Our sons are 20, 23, and 26 now. They HATE her current husband, but it's whatever. Thanks for your thoughts. The "petite dating sites" are all about height, not weight. So, plenty of shorter women in their 50s but literally all of them big. It's an Ohio problem, I think. 

I'm not sure if you saying "they're all big" means they were literally all obese. Or you just mean they aren't skinny/slim. People have different beliefs about what "big" means. For example, in the past a plus size model was like a size 8 - 10. They would call them plus size just because they weren't super thin with ribs showing. Like, there was a phase in the late 80's - early 90's "heroin chic" models which was when extremely skinny models were very popular. Like Kate Moss, etc. Nowadays the term "plus size model" does actually mean women who are full figured like size 14 - 16. But in any case, I understand you are attracted only to very slim women so to you anything above that is "big".

Again I really don't like all this language being used like "big", "obese" etc. when you're probably also referring to women who aren't that huge. They're just bigger than what you prefer. And when people said you were overweight, you seemed to get quite upset and defensive. So if you don't like it then I think you need to be mindful of how you speak about women and their size, body and so on. Speak about people in a respectful way. Doesn't mean you need to date them but you don't need to fat shame them either.

[Morello]

6 hours ago, SophiaG said:

What jumps out to me is - I'm surprised no one has mentioned this - that you said your heart is spoken for and you'll always carry a torch for your ex. That to me is a bigger problem than your body type preference. Or are you simply not looking for a long term relationship or deeper connection, just casual dating/sex?

OP, would you mind elaborating on this a bit more? I think you skipped this part, but it seems a critical point. Are you after a genuine connection, or do you still feel attached to your ex (and therefore just after casual)?

The fat shaming "speak" in your post is a bit troubling - I wonder if this could also represent a barrier for your dating prospects. This stuff may come across in ways you are not aware of, and even fit women could be turned off by this sort of language, especially more mature women.

Last but not least, have you gone to therapy to process the end of your long-term relationship? It reads as a tough one to recover from and process, that your wife was willing to get fit only after departing from you. It might be something worthwhile to consider.

[shouldhavelearned]

Give a little to get a little 

Sounds like you need to stop being so narrow focused on what your thinking are personal negatives.

 

Be you, and attract what you attract. Go from there, it takes two.

[Areophile]

@Tinydance and @Morello I'm not "fat-shaming" people. There are MANY upon many shaming terms that I don't use. I'm simply trying to be factual. When I'm using the term "big" what I mean is a rounder shape. A person with an apple-shaped body, instead of a more or less standard body shape like you might find in a textbook on human anatomy. 

My shoulders and chest are wider and thicker than my belly and waist. You see? When you see a man with narrower shoulders than his midsection - that person is obese. I need to lose 20-30 lbs yes, but that weight is distributed and I carry it well. There is a famous picture of Ben Affleck smoking a cigarette in a light blue sweater where people have said "he has a dad bod." I have a dad bod, too, but I don't smoke.

I'm not attracted to PERFECTION, like a runway model. I'm fully capable of being attracted to a woman who weighs 130-140 lbs. I don't understand why we need to be so granular with this, but you are both accusing me of thinking that one or two pounds overweight is fat, and that's not what I'm saying. 

Now, let me re-iterate, I live in Ohio, and 50-something women I see on dating sites and in real life ARE big. Large. Size 18-24. I begin to lose attraction around size 9. That's just how I'm built.   

[Tinydance]

23 minutes ago, Areophile said:

@Tinydance and @Morello I'm not "fat-shaming" people. There are MANY upon many shaming terms that I don't use. I'm simply trying to be factual. When I'm using the term "big" what I mean is a rounder shape. A person with an apple-shaped body, instead of a more or less standard body shape like you might find in a textbook on human anatomy. 

My shoulders and chest are wider and thicker than my belly and waist. You see? When you see a man with narrower shoulders than his midsection - that person is obese. I need to lose 20-30 lbs yes, but that weight is distributed and I carry it well. There is a famous picture of Ben Affleck smoking a cigarette in a light blue sweater where people have said "he has a dad bod." I have a dad bod, too, but I don't smoke.

I'm not attracted to PERFECTION, like a runway model. I'm fully capable of being attracted to a woman who weighs 130-140 lbs. I don't understand why we need to be so granular with this, but you are both accusing me of thinking that one or two pounds overweight is fat, and that's not what I'm saying. 

Now, let me re-iterate, I live in Ohio, and 50-something women I see on dating sites and in real life ARE big. Large. Size 18-24. I begin to lose attraction around size 9. That's just how I'm built.   

Wow sorry but just because you don't literally call someone "blob fat whale" doesn't mean you're not fat shaming. I don't really see what the fact you didn't use some other terms takes away from the terms you DID use. 

Also you keep comparing yourself to Ben Affleck but sorry you don't look like Ben Affleck. Sorry to sound blunt but I think you have a much higher opinion of yourself, your looks and what kind of women you can get than is actual reality.

Size 9 woman is still slim by most people's standards I think. You're looking for skinny. Honestly I doubt you'd find too many skinny women your age. I mean you are 60 so most women would have flab and saggy skin because their skin is losing elasticity. I mean you haven't found anyone in 12 years. That's concrete proof right there that your expectations are unrealistic.

[Areophile]

@Tinydance I compare myself to him because we are the same height and weight. No other reason. It's a handy tool to accurately describe the dimensions of my body. I also stated explicitly that I'm not as good-looking. You are being pretty abusive to me, frankly. And I have dated numerous times in the intervening 12 years. The women I've been FINDING are in their 30s, but I'd prefer someone my own age. I broke up with my last girlfriend, who was 36, because she used excessive amounts of weed - she was constantly using the bong. Like 10-12 times a day. I don't smoke weed, so this became an issue I couldn't ignore. 

[Tinydance]

12 minutes ago, Areophile said:

@Tinydance I compare myself to him because we are the same height and weight. No other reason. It's a handy tool to accurately describe the dimensions of my body. I also stated explicitly that I'm not as good-looking. You are being pretty abusive to me, frankly. And I have dated numerous times in the intervening 12 years. The women I've been FINDING are in their 30s, but I'd prefer someone my own age. I broke up with my last girlfriend, who was 36, because she used excessive amounts of weed - she was constantly using the bong. Like 10-12 times a day. I don't smoke weed, so this became an issue I couldn't ignore. 

Well that's completely fair enough, I really don't blame you for not wanting to date someone with drug addiction. I agree with you that smoking weed 10 + times a day is full blown addiction. And that person would constantly be stoned so not in a sober or clear state of mind. Sorry I misunderstood and thought you said that you actually hadn't really dated anyone for 12 years since you divorced your wife. 

I don't see why it's abusive to say that you don't look like Ben Affleck? I mean you don't so that's why I said that. I just noticed that you seemed really fixated on exact body shapes, measurements, shoulder width, and so on. Just seemed like some kind of preoccupation that seemed a bit shallow.