I don't know what to do. I'm ONLY attracted to tiny women.

[Areophile]

I can't seem to change this about myself, though I have tried. I am a 58 year old divorced man. I've been divorced for 12 years. I have three adult sons. 

My problem is that I am ONLY sexually/physically attracted to tiny women. Under 5'4" and under 120 lbs. I'm just not attracted to women larger than that - regardless of her personality or our other compatibilities. When I have tried to date larger women, she may as well have been a jug of milk, as far as my libido is concerned. I just have zero interest. 

This is what broke up my marriage. After we had gone without sex for two years straight, she filed for divorce. I completely understood her sadness and anger and rejection, but I couldn't DO anything about it. I loved my wife. I still love her. I'd have stayed with her until death did us part, BUT she had gained so much weight (240+ at 5'4") that I simply wasn't physically attracted to her anymore. I asked her to lose weight and told her that I would help by walking or biking or swimming with her (or all three). She replied that if I loved her it wouldn't matter. 

That is simply not true. I did love her. But I couldn't summon even the slightest romantic interest in her as a big woman. 

So, in 2012, we divorced amicably with shared/joint custody. Now my sons are grown and gone. I am trying to date but I cannot FIND any women that I'm attracted to. Everyone is big now. 

Before anyone asks, I am 6'4" and 240 lbs. About the same size as Ben Affleck, though not near as good-looking, of course. 

I've dated a few women that were small over the last 12 years, but discovered drug abuse and alcoholism and broke up with them. I feel like I'm looking for a needle in a haystack. A unicorn. 

[ShySoul]

Not sure where you located, but at least in the US it doesn't seem to be a needle in a haystack.

https://askwonder.com/research/percentage-american-women-5-4-less-125lbs-groups-age-income-breakdown-smxg4ori3#:~:text=Thanks for your question about,(the closest reported weight).

"The short version is that, depending on age groups, between 43.5% and 69.9% of women are under 5' 4" and between 13.5% and 27.8% are under 130 lbs (the closest reported weight)"

I'm sure there are plenty of people who fit the criteria wherever you are at.

[Areophile]

Thanks for responding. I live in Ohio. I don't think those statistics are accurate for my state. All I can tell you is that I frequent a couple of different night clubs that cater to the "EDM/goth/industrial/emo" scene, and - while there are numerous smaller women in their 20s, there are literally zero smaller women in their 40s-50s.

[ShySoul]

First thing to realize is that appearance really doesn't have to mean anything. It isn't who a person is. When you really do love someone, what they weigh, how tall they are, and how much sex you have is not what makes or breaks a relationship.

She did not leave because you didn't want sex or did not find her attractive. She left because you placed her weight above who she was inside and the emotional connections you had. She felt rejected that you viewed her in terms of pounds or inches and not as a whole person. I don't believe anyone would want that. How would you feel if someone said you were to large so they couldn't possible by with you?

If you love someone in the sense of wanted to be with them forever, the exterior won't matter. You will find them attractive because of who they are on the inside. You will be more turned on by them because you aren't thinking about the exterior. The focus will be on what actually matters, their heart and soul, the bond between you.

That's not to say you didn't love her in some way. But it wasn't a strong enough love to value her just for her. And thus, it wasn't a strong enough love to last. You are both better off not being together.

That's also not to say a person can't have a preference. But preferences shouldn't be the driving force behind something, it should be the people invovled.

If you still insist on focusing on height/weight, then just do some homework and find places where you can meet short and skinny people. If you are unable to change your preference, lean into it. I'll get you started.

https://www.petitedating.com/

https://www.datingadvice.com/online-dating/short-dating-site

 

[Areophile]

Again, I appreciate your comment, but it sounds much more like "in an ideal world" than in this one. Everyone I know and have ever known, has physical criteria. Every woman, man, intersex, gay or lesbian, bisexual, transgender or "sapiosexual" has physical criteria. Oh, they CLAIM they don't - but they do. It isn't politically or socially acceptable right now to admit any phenotypical or racial or class preferences - but all of us have them. Without exception. 

I also think that desire and love are separable. They certainly are in my case. I loved my ex-wife completely, and still do. Part of the reason I don't date much now is that my heart is spoken for. I'll be "carrying a torch" for my ex-wife until I die. But, pardon the candid comment, love doesn't make your *** hard. 

Here is an example directly from my ex-wife: she is repulsed by men with dwarfism. Literally repulsed. There is no chance at all that she would date, marry or love a little person. That's just something in her particular libido. According to you, if she loved Peter Dinklage it wouldn't matter. That's just demonstrably untrue. 

 

[Batya33]

I fit your criteria and I always have except for when I was pregnant lol -then I was more than 120 for a number of months lol.  I've always preferred shorter men.  When I dated - I'm married and also 58, got married in my early 40s. For example I was not attracted to tall very skinny men.  But yes I could date men who were tall.  Just preferred shorter.  Married a man who is shorter than average.  I know many petite slim women. I am surprised you're finding it hard to meet your type.  Yes, it's a bit atypical to be that focused on type.  240 pounds for 5"4 certainly is quite overweight.  I think it was wrong of you to suggest she lose weight other than for health reasons.  Did she gain because of mental health issues or similar?

 I also know of many petite women who prefer tall men.

[rainbowsandroses]

Interesting post!  

I know women (petite, like 5'0 - 5'2" and between 100 - 115 lbs) who wouldn't date a man under 6'1" (minimum) if her life depended on it! 

So you as a man are the inverse of that, nothing wrong with it IMO, we like what we like.

I have often wondered though why women, especially the super petite women, prefer the really TALL big guys. 

We've discussed and many admit to preferring dominant men, men they can look up to (literally and figuratively), men they feel safe and protected with who have a strong presence, and they associate tall big men with having these characteristics.

Course it's not really true as a shorter man can be dominant, protective, intelligent with a strong presence, and tall men can be utter cowards, weak and well, not very bright. 

But it's not my place to judge, again we like what we like.

I am curious though, what is it exactly about tiny women you find so appealing?

Is it strictly physical?   The "girlish" look? 😉

No judgment just curious.

Anyway to answer your question, there are on-line dating websites for just about any preference, I just did a brief search and found one for men seeking petite women!

www.petitedating.com 

Have you tried that route? 

[Areophile]

@Batya33 I think she wanted a self-fulfilling prophecy. In her mind, she had already decided that if I didn't accept her when she was obese, that I didn't love her. So she MADE herself obese, and refused to lose it as a "test" of my devotion. How do I know this?

Because she lost ALL the weight after we divorced. She ran, lifted weights, swam, and got back down to 130. Then she went to the police academy boot camp, graduated, and she's a cop now and has been for 10 years. 

[Areophile]

@rainbowsandroses I have been drawn to and attracted by small, slender women since I was 7 years old. My theory is that it stems from the fact that both my mother and grandmother were big, obese women. I became strictly and only oriented to the opposite of them. My mom was blonde, 5'11" and 250 lbs or so. My grandmother was about 5'5" with red hair, but she was a good 300 lbs. 

So what am I attracted to? Tiny, thin brunettes. Hahaha. Think Natalie Portman, Winona Ryder, Kate Beckinsale, Rooney Mara, Jenna Ortega, etc. I was always Team Mary Ann on Gilligan's Island. Hahaha. 

[rainbowsandroses]

32 minutes ago, Areophile said:

was always Team Mary Ann on Gilligan's Island. Hahaha. 

That's hilarious lol.

That's my criteria for determining if a man is right for me - are you more attracted to Ginger or Mary Ann?

If a man said Mary Ann, he's in!!    Although I've been told I'm a mix of both but probably more Mary Ann.

4 hours ago, Areophile said:

Before anyone asks, I am 6'4" and 240 lbs. About the same size as Ben Affleck, though not near as good-looking, of course. 

Is that you in your avatar?  If so, I wouldn't say "of course you're not near as good looking an Ben Affleck."

I don't particularly go for men who smile in pics (yes I'm weird!!) but you have a nice face and I do not consider Ben Affleck all that hot anyway.

By the way, Kate Beckinsale is 5'7". 😀

Have you tried the dating sites mentioned? 

[catfeeder]

3 hours ago, Areophile said:

...night clubs that cater to the "EDM/goth/industrial/emo" scene, and...there are literally zero smaller women in their 40s-50s.

Really? (Sorry, this made me laugh.) I get the whole petite thing, and while it's great that you know who attracts you, why would you identify that as a problem rather than the tiny sliver of a niche market to which you're limiting your search for women in their 40's and 50's?

Sure, you've established that if you lower your age requirements, you can find petite  women under 40 who like EDM/goth/industrial/emo. Otherwise, have you considered expanding your overall search to a combo plate of online dating apps and/or more age-appropriate venues?

[Tinydance]

4 hours ago, Areophile said:

Again, I appreciate your comment, but it sounds much more like "in an ideal world" than in this one. Everyone I know and have ever known, has physical criteria. Every woman, man, intersex, gay or lesbian, bisexual, transgender or "sapiosexual" has physical criteria. Oh, they CLAIM they don't - but they do. It isn't politically or socially acceptable right now to admit any phenotypical or racial or class preferences - but all of us have them. Without exception. 

I also think that desire and love are separable. They certainly are in my case. I loved my ex-wife completely, and still do. Part of the reason I don't date much now is that my heart is spoken for. I'll be "carrying a torch" for my ex-wife until I die. But, pardon the candid comment, love doesn't make your *** hard. 

Here is an example directly from my ex-wife: she is repulsed by men with dwarfism. Literally repulsed. There is no chance at all that she would date, marry or love a little person. That's just something in her particular libido. According to you, if she loved Peter Dinklage it wouldn't matter. That's just demonstrably untrue. 

 

OK maybe I'm literally on my own here but I don't actually have a physical type. I identify romantically as pansexual because I realised that I'm just attracted to people. Regardless of gender, genitals or body size. I've dated and been in relationships with a lot of people.

Actually my ex girlfriend is probably a woman you'd be really attracted to because she was really short and really skinny. I actually think she was only like 5'2 maybe and she weighed like 80 pounds. But you could actually see her ribs and I'm pretty sure she had an on/off eating disorder. I had also been with people who I would classify as quite obese. I don't know why but body size, height etc. just really doesn't matter to me. I totally agree with Shy Soul that I think the real person is on the inside.

Also I know some people have a type more than others and I get that. Maybe you do have a more specific type than your average person but it's just way too specific. Like, it's a bit too out of norm. And I'm sorry but it just sounds a bit shallow. Like, your main criteria is literally only height and weight? So the woman could look any way at all just as long as she matched the height and weight. Just doesn't make sense really. 

If you truly feel this way that's OK. But yeah I hate to say it but you aren't likely to probably find someone. You are 58 and as you said it's mostly women in their 20's who would be this thin. Women in their 20's are not that likely to date a nearly 60-year-old unfortunately. And women from their 30's onwards have slower metabolisms, have had kids and so on. I honestly just don't know what helpful advice I could give you. I'm not sure what you could do about this. The only solution would be to date outside of this physical type, hire escorts or be alone lol

P.S. I actually think Peter Dinklage is hot!

[Starlight925]

I don't see why this is so complicated.

You like what you like.

Why would anyone be offended by your preferences?  And why would you need to defend yourself?

Comb through the dating sites, and if need be, increase your geographical circle.

Most people out there are larger, because today, most people in general are larger.  It's just a fact.  

We can get into all the reasons, but I always marvel on airplanes:  seats keep getting smaller, people keep getting bigger.

And as women age, weight creeps up, which is why it's easier to find 20-something who are size 2 than 50-somethings.  But it's possible, so keep looking, and don't worry about it:  You like what you like, and that's ok

[ShySoul]

6 hours ago, Areophile said:

Every woman, man, intersex, gay or lesbian, bisexual, transgender or "sapiosexual" has physical criteria.

I know I'm different then most people, but the extent of my physcial criteria is that she should have a pulse.  Otherwise, I real don't care. Blond, brunette, redhead or hair dyed orange - she's still the same person. She can be 100 pounds or 200 pounds, as long as she has a good heart that's what counts. Under 5ft or over 6ft, doesn't change a thing. I can see the attractive in any kind of type.

1 hour ago, Tinydance said:

OK maybe I'm literally on my own here but I don't actually have a physical type. I identify romantically as pansexual because I realised that I'm just attracted to people. Regardless of gender, genitals or body size. I've dated and been in relationships with a lot of people.

Not on your own Tinydance. Think you make great points.

Pansexual, asexual, soulsexual, sapiosexual, demisexual - there are so many different layers to what people find attractive. I find assuming it has to come down to physical appearance to be a rather limited mindset. People can like all kinds of things.

[ShySoul]

1 hour ago, Areophile said:

So she MADE herself obese, and refused to lose it as a "test" of my devotion. How do I know this?

Because she lost ALL the weight after we divorced. She ran, lifted weights, swam, and got back down to 130. Then she went to the police academy boot camp, graduated, and she's a cop now and has been for 10 years. 

Perhaps she took getting a divorce as a time to start over and better herself, with part of that being to get in better shape? Maybe it was about her trying to feel more confident and secure in who she was? And maybe she developed a desire in being a police officer for her own reasons and realized she would need to be in better shape to do so?

It doesn't have to be about you, either a test for you while you were married or a way to get back at you after. How she lives her life is about her and what she wants.

1 hour ago, Areophile said:

I was always Team Mary Ann on Gilligan's Island.

Personally, I think everyone was for Mary Ann. Anytime I've heard the question, the answer tends to be heavily skewed in her direction.

And a good portion of the response lies not in appearance, but in Mary Ann being the sweet, caring, "girl next door" type.

[Areophile]

@Tinydance Let me put you in my head for a second. I have a Master's degree in Public Policy, I'm a senior federal employee with the IRS, I'm a Democrat, and I consider myself to be very socially liberal and a classic egalitarian. I don't WANT to be solely attracted to small women - but here we are. This is the way my libido and psychosexual orientation is built. I've been wired this way my whole life. That's just what "floats my boat." 

Of COURSE other traits are important. That she is a Democrat, for one. That she believes in diversity and multiculturalism for another. That there is mutual attraction and affection for a third. 

[Areophile]

@rainbowsandroses Yes, that's me in the pic. About six months ago. I tend to buzz my hair in the Summer, and let it grow out in the Winter. Weirdly, I don't have much gray yet. Just a few at the temples. 

[Areophile]

@catfeeder I don't know why you would think that a goth/industrial nightclub isn't "age appropriate." I mean, I was a New Wave / Punk rock / Metalhead in the 80s, and I still am. I keep up with new music and newer bands like Jinjer and Panic at the Disco and Polyphia. 

[yogacat]

There must be plenty of small women that don't abuse drugs or alcohol. You just can't find them. Or maybe, you're going for petite/slim women that aren't necessarily attracted/interested in you in return. She may just be into piano players or 300 pound lovable teddy bear types. 

I don't know if I buy into being able to change your "type" of attraction. People like what they like. It's like trying to like oysters when you've had oysters before and can't stand the taste. 🦪It's not something you can change about yourself. 

I've typically been attracted to men with dark brown hair, brown eyes, athletic, 😍 but I can honestly say that each man I have dated or been in a relationship with have all been different looks wise. It wasn't a conscious effort, it's just who I was attracted to.  

One was 6 ft. 5 brown hair, brown eyes, but not athletic, another was 5 ft. 8 inches blue eyes, blonde hair, athletic. I think for me, I've always been drawn to someone's sense of humor and intelligence - two things that can't really be seen by the naked eye. If they're a gentlemen. If they get my humor. If they don't, ba-bye!

Look, I think when you meet someone, you are supposed to have chemistry and be attracted to them, but that doesn't necessarily mean that you will end up with someone who is your absolute ideal "type." 

Ultimately, attraction is a tricky thing and it's not something that can be easily changed or controlled.  I believe that we are attracted to certain physical characteristics based on our genetics, past experiences, and societal influences. While it's not impossible to broaden your attraction, it's not something that can be forced. But I have also found that love and connection can come in unexpected packages...

Sure, we could say, you like petite/slim women because it makes you feel more powerful or in control, and get into a whole deep dive about psychology and whatnot, but at the end of the day, the heart wants what it wants. 

[catfeeder]

1 hour ago, Areophile said:

@catfeeder I don't know why you would think that a goth/industrial nightclub isn't "age appropriate." I mean, I was a New Wave / Punk rock / Metalhead in the 80s, and I still am. I keep up with new music and newer bands like Jinjer and Panic at the Disco and Polyphia. 

Wonderful! For your music taste. But apparently, it's not attracting the women you're searching for. So if you want to keep digging under rocks in places where the treasure isn't hidden, that's not against the law. But it might also help to use the Internet to research other places or poll a few of the women over 40 in your area to find out where they like to go out for fun. Maybe you can fit in a few trips there to see if you can meet their petite girlfriends?

Or use OLD apps.

EnjOy!

[Kwothe28]

3 hours ago, Areophile said:

I have a Master's degree in Public Policy, I'm a senior federal employee with the IRS, I'm a Democrat, and I consider myself to be very socially liberal and a classic egalitarian. I don't WANT to be solely attracted to small women

Who cares what you are? You are allowed to have preferences. Whether they are tiny, big, Asian or anything else. You do live in America with “obesity epidemic” so its kinda maybe hard to focus on dating small women when they are in minority.

And that is another thing, you are allowed to have preferences but it does severely cripples your dating pool. For example if we take you age group of women, 50 percent of them are under 5ft4. But when we add under certain weight like 120lbs, only 17 percent of them are that. Keep in mind those two arent sometimes mutual so its less. Add that in your age group(50-60 year olds) unlike some younger ones, lots of them are married or taken. Add your other preferences(Democrat “cripples” your dating pool 50%, probably way more in your age group as older peopletend to vote Republicans) so you are looking at very small dating pool. Its quite literally “unicorn” situation. When your dating pool is 0,00001% of USA when you counter all the factors. 

Also, you can seek whatever you want but there is no guarantee they will want you. For example, somebody “petite” might seek somebody who also is not overweight. You with your 100+ kilos, are that. Overweight. 

[Batya33]

10 hours ago, Areophile said:

@Batya33 I think she wanted a self-fulfilling prophecy. In her mind, she had already decided that if I didn't accept her when she was obese, that I didn't love her. So she MADE herself obese, and refused to lose it as a "test" of my devotion. How do I know this?

Because she lost ALL the weight after we divorced. She ran, lifted weights, swam, and got back down to 130. Then she went to the police academy boot camp, graduated, and she's a cop now and has been for 10 years. 

How in the world do you know what your ex wife weighs now? Good for her! She must feel so proud and accomplished and is serving her community.  

I grew up in and still live in -despite moving - a very diverse community and I've always had friends/acquaintances/colleagues of all different races/ethnicities/ educational backgrounds and even many left handed ones like me lol.  Our son is a teen and has always had a diverse group of friends, same with my husband -we grew up similarly.

When it came to dating with potential for marriage I only dated men with at least a college degree, from the same religious background as me, and preferred shorter men.  For sure if my choices had to do with racism that would be different but almost all of my friends/acquaintances -everyone I know of - has certain preferences for serious relationships especially if it involves marriage/potential for kids or furbabies. I like dog owners and I wouldn't have dated a man who owned certain breeds of dog.  I wouldn't have wanted anyone to go out with me because he told himself he had to be "egalitarian" etc.  

[MissCanuck]

What advice are you looking for, exactly?

You like what you like. You won't be able to force yourself to be attracted to a type you're just not attracted to. Does that limit your dating pool? Sure. Can you actually do much about it? It doesn't seem so. It's how you're wired, apparently. 

 

[Tinydance]

Actually I've had the rest of the day to think of some actual advice for you lol I think that maybe you are even further limiting your chances of meeting suitable women because you've been looking for them at metal/goth nights clubs or in that kind of scene.

I actually did go to some goth night clubs in my 20's but that was like at least 12 years ago lol I remember for one thing that most people there were younger. So maybe in their late teens, 20's and 30's. So for one thing, most women would probably be too young for you.

Secondly, from my experience many people who go out to clubs a lot and especially in the alternative scene do use drugs, or at least alcohol. And not to mention if you see women who are very thin then it's pretty likely they're keeping that body thin due to their drug use lol So anyway my point is you are probably not looking in the right place to meet women for starters.

Also depending how much effort you're willing to put into this, you could meet women from overseas or from particular communities. For example, you like short, thin brunettes. Most Asian women are brunettes and a lot of Asian women are slim and petite. You could meet Asian women from overseas online but obviously that would be a long distance relationship and more like a mail order bride situation. Or you could go to places where there are a lot of Asian women. Like, there might be particular bars or night clubs where mostly Asian people go. Or cafes or restaurants in China Town if you have one where you live.

Another option is yes using online dating apps. Especially ones where people actually put their height and weight/body size. So you could use a filter on the search to find women who specifically look like what you want.

But again, with any of these suggestions, you'd actually need to like these women and they'd need to like you back. And you'd need to have some similar values, hobbies and interests presumably.

Finding this is actually pretty hard even for people like me and Shy Soul who find all sorts of people attractive. Unfortunately in your case the chances would be really small. But they probably wouldn't be zero. So if you want to really put that huge amount of effort and time into it, you might find someone. Good luck!

 

[smackie9]

Date Asian women. Try a trip to Thailand and fill your boots.