I’m having retroactive jealousy and insecurities around my bf’s dating histor

[rainbowsandroses]

I think you need to tell your 'awesome' boyfriend to stop telling you when other women look at him, white women or otherwise!  

I mean geez!  Really?

What is his reason for telling you this?

In any event, tell him to stop, it's not appreciated.

 

[yogacat]

I commend you for  taking a brave step to seek advice. That's a HUGE step! I would never tell you not to have those feelings, as you are not solely responsible for them as you have been bombarded with such thoughts regarding race and how being different from the predominant race of the place you live. 

I understand where you're coming from. His comment about you thinking that way being gross is definitely not helpful. It seems to me that you are in no way racist, but that your insecurities are due to having had to unfortunately have had a place in you and somehow dictate to you what notions are desirable and which ones are not.

As for him, he's been totally upfront with you, as you have been honest with him. I also commend you for that. I don't doubt for a minute that he does not feel a thing toward you differently from what he has had with his previous exes. 

My ex had retroactive jealousy towards me, to such an extent that I never felt I could be myself to the full extent, like, he never truly "accepted" me and who I was. So I truly know how it feels on his side. 

I assume that, in doing this, he is feeling likewise. So much that he can't 100% express himself without somewhat of a "filter". I don't know where that will lead but just some things for you to think about before writing off what he's saying.

Lastly, you live in the Philippines, so you do have more of those racist experiences and your insecurities are triggered than he would. You also come from a country where various media has done such things.️

The thing with retroactive jealousy is it's a vicious inner dialogue, oftentimes subjecting someone unnecessarily to shame and humiliation. In cases such as these, I know it's HARD (!), but think hard if these scenarios with your SO have truly ever arisen to any recognizeable extent, when he has done anything resembling things from his past connections? Every time you are confronted with a jealous emotion, put your logical hat on and just for a second, before reacting, ask yourself, Where did this come from? I know it's hard. But I assure you that this creates healing. 

So many people face this. If it's under control it can be withstood without regard to harm or distress. But what happens is, when retroactive jealousy is not yet under control, the sufferer will become completely obsessed with these questions which seem to place the 'worth' of this individual (with regards to our case - your partner) in existential jeopardy.  I don't know if that makes sense but I hope it does.

Try to deal with your feelings by writing things down so that you can better understand them. The really good thing here is you're not obsessing over one past sexual partner, but three. Which means it is more likely that you are very concerned with something else: his apparent 'preference'. 

To be honest with how his past girlfriends look in terms of your feelings it has to not matter. If it doesn't matter, if his past connections are really and truly in the past then you do not see these other woman as much as you do your boyfriend's past with and tendency to date unmarried woman of a particular type, at least it shouldn't. And if you can't do that now, think of loving him so much that you are willing to empty your thoughts of his girlfriends anytime you come across a memory stimuli.

You love him and he loves you. That is really all that matters. You are not in competition with his past girlfriends or anyone else for his love and attention. Trust his words and let go of your insecurities.

[Holssi]

13 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

So you see your boyfriend as part of a stereotype rather than as an individual you know intimately? I'm glad he apologized -what a jerky comment to make.  Is this something you two are focused on a lot -who is looking at whom when you are out in public? Why and why is he noticing if people are looking at you or if he thinks they are? Do you two have enough in common beyond physical and sexual attraction?

No, but when my insecurities are intense or triggered, the stereotype makes me overthink (especially with regards to his past and then that comment) and I end up hyper-focusing on my flaws and think that I’m not good enough for him. We never focus on it, or at least I don’t because it never crossed my mind until he mentioned the looks. All my attention is on him and I never cared for the other men around. There were moments where he would say “that guy’s looking at you” or “all these guys are looking at you”. Idk why he’s noticing them but maybe he’s jealous because he made a joke about wanting to gouge their eyes out and said he felt possessive. We have a lot in common and have a lot of emotional attraction towards each other and he says that our similarities and my personality made him fall in love intensely

 

[Holssi]

4 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

I think you need to tell your 'awesome' boyfriend to stop telling you when other women look at him, white women or otherwise!  

I mean geez!  Really?

What is his reason for telling you this?

In any event, tell him to stop, it's not appreciated.

 

Yup, I told him how hurtful it was and it massively triggered my insecurities given his dating history and now the attention from them. Part of me wonders if he was making me jealous or something. His reason was that we were in a place with a lot of asians and latinos so he found the looks from white women weird and that he clung to me to show the world i’m his and he’s mine. He also said he dislikes looks from strangers and also pointed out that men were looking at me all the time. I told him that the way he told me about it makes me think that he likes the attention but said it wasn’t the case. He apologized to me for everything.

[Holssi]

11 minutes ago, yogacat said:

I commend you for  taking a brave step to seek advice. That's a HUGE step! I would never tell you not to have those feelings, as you are not solely responsible for them as you have been bombarded with such thoughts regarding race and how being different from the predominant race of the place you live. 

I understand where you're coming from. His comment about you thinking that way being gross is definitely not helpful. It seems to me that you are in no way racist, but that your insecurities are due to having had to unfortunately have had a place in you and somehow dictate to you what notions are desirable and which ones are not.

As for him, he's been totally upfront with you, as you have been honest with him. I also commend you for that. I don't doubt for a minute that he does not feel a thing toward you differently from what he has had with his previous exes. 

My ex had retroactive jealousy towards me, to such an extent that I never felt I could be myself to the full extent, like, he never truly "accepted" me and who I was. So I truly know how it feels on his side. 

I assume that, in doing this, he is feeling likewise. So much that he can't 100% express himself without somewhat of a "filter". I don't know where that will lead but just some things for you to think about before writing off what he's saying.

Lastly, you live in the Philippines, so you do have more of those racist experiences and your insecurities are triggered than he would. You also come from a country where various media has done such things.️

The thing with retroactive jealousy is it's a vicious inner dialogue, oftentimes subjecting someone unnecessarily to shame and humiliation. In cases such as these, I know it's HARD (!), but think hard if these scenarios with your SO have truly ever arisen to any recognizeable extent, when he has done anything resembling things from his past connections? Every time you are confronted with a jealous emotion, put your logical hat on and just for a second, before reacting, ask yourself, Where did this come from? I know it's hard. But I assure you that this creates healing. 

So many people face this. If it's under control it can be withstood without regard to harm or distress. But what happens is, when retroactive jealousy is not yet under control, the sufferer will become completely obsessed with these questions which seem to place the 'worth' of this individual (with regards to our case - your partner) in existential jeopardy.  I don't know if that makes sense but I hope it does.

Try to deal with your feelings by writing things down so that you can better understand them. The really good thing here is you're not obsessing over one past sexual partner, but three. Which means it is more likely that you are very concerned with something else: his apparent 'preference'. 

To be honest with how his past girlfriends look in terms of your feelings it has to not matter. If it doesn't matter, if his past connections are really and truly in the past then you do not see these other woman as much as you do your boyfriend's past with and tendency to date unmarried woman of a particular type, at least it shouldn't. And if you can't do that now, think of loving him so much that you are willing to empty your thoughts of his girlfriends anytime you come across a memory stimuli.

You love him and he loves you. That is really all that matters. You are not in competition with his past girlfriends or anyone else for his love and attention. Trust his words and let go of your insecurities.

First of all, I appreciate such and empathetic and logical response. You are right that the country im from definitely plays a role in instigating these insecurities as we are fed from a young age that lighter features are preferred. I was often told that i’m a beautiful girl but would be better if i was lighter. A past partner would put me down in favor of his half white ex and crush on a pale east asian girl. On top of that, ive been heavily fetishized by white men at times and other men in general and it made me believe that i’m always lacking physically or im only attractive to a few because of my race. I was even told by a friend that im beautiful and hot but wouldn’t pursue me because im not pale. All these make me feel like I’m not good enough or attractive to him, especially with regards to my bf dating white or half white women. My fears would tell me that he doesn’t find me as attractive given that all his exes had a common denominator and im this different odd one out

You are completely right about retroactive jealousy. It has completely consumed me yet he tries his best to support me with it. I’m just trying to focus on his words and actions. He would always try his best for me and lovingly takes care of me despite everything along with him expressing a desire to marry me and that he never felt this intensely for anyone in the past. I guess im just afraid of getting hurt given my insecurities and romantic trauma

[yogacat]

49 minutes ago, Holssi said:

First of all, I appreciate such and empathetic and logical response. You are right that the country im from definitely plays a role in instigating these insecurities as we are fed from a young age that lighter features are preferred. I was often told that i’m a beautiful girl but would be better if i was lighter. A past partner would put me down in favor of his half white ex and crush on a pale east asian girl. On top of that, ive been heavily fetishized by white men at times and other men in general and it made me believe that i’m always lacking physically or im only attractive to a few because of my race. I was even told by a friend that im beautiful and hot but wouldn’t pursue me because im not pale. All these make me feel like I’m not good enough or attractive to him, especially with regards to my bf dating white or half white women. My fears would tell me that he doesn’t find me as attractive given that all his exes had a common denominator and im this different odd one out

You are completely right about retroactive jealousy. It has completely consumed me yet he tries his best to support me with it. I’m just trying to focus on his words and actions. He would always try his best for me and lovingly takes care of me despite everything along with him expressing a desire to marry me and that he never felt this intensely for anyone in the past. I guess im just afraid of getting hurt given my insecurities and romantic trauma

Well, it's no fun having intrusive thoughts and anxiety so I empathize. I also empathize as a recipient of an ex with retroactive jealousy.

When your boyfriend said he was getting looks from "white" women...is kind of a "huh?". A boneheaded comment that would have been probably better left unsaid. Does he have a pattern of saying those types of comments, aside from this instance?  How about once you termed his statement, did he admit his mistake and apologize?  

Could he have said it better or not at all? Absolutely. But he is being (or trying to be) supportive and taking your upset in stride in most other areas from what I can see. I mean the mere fact he is being honest and answering your questions and reassuring you, meaning he's doing exactly what you'd asked him to do. Of course, keep your eyes open moving forward.

Can I ask, have you experienced retroactive jealousy before with a previous partner, or is this something new for you completely?  When you're not in a relationship, how do you view yourself in relation to this particular racial dynamic of yours? Do you struggle with similar type of issues of jealously in your mind of these other women, not necessarily when you're in an active relationship? Is it excessive fixation then too?

[Holssi]

9 minutes ago, yogacat said:

Well, it's no fun having intrusive thoughts and anxiety so I empathize. I also empathize as a recipient of an ex with retroactive jealousy.

When your boyfriend said he was getting looks from "white" women...is kind of a "huh?". A boneheaded comment that would have been probably better left unsaid. Does he have a pattern of saying those types of comments, aside from this instance?  How about once you termed his statement, did he admit his mistake and apologize?  

Could he have said it better or not at all? Absolutely. But he is being (or trying to be) supportive and taking your upset in stride in most other areas from what I can see. I mean the mere fact he is being honest and answering your questions and reassuring you, meaning he's doing exactly what you'd asked him to do. Of course, keep your eyes open moving forward.

Can I ask, have you experienced retroactive jealousy before with a previous partner, or is this something new for you completely?  When you're not in a relationship, how do you view yourself in relation to this particular racial dynamic of yours? Do you struggle with similar type of issues of jealously in your mind of these other women, not necessarily when you're in an active relationship? Is it excessive fixation then too?

Thank you and yes, that comment was very hurtful and set my insecurities down a painful path. He never made comments like these before and this was the first time and really took me by surprise. He has since clarified what he meant and apologized for it. I experienced RJ before and it started with an ex partner who would put me down in favor for his ex and crush because of his own insecurity and jealousy. It scarred me so much that the habit carried into this present relationship. When im not in a relationship or situationship, i don’t really get this anxious and insecure about myself. In fact, i never cared for race before and saw myself as an equal. It was only in this relationship where i felt massively insecure about his exes being white or half white and me being different. Back then, i would get jealous of a partner’s bond with their exes and while i had that with him as well, its a first for me to feel insecure about race and that im not attractive to him cause he only dated white or half white girls and im Filipina. The comment he made only exacerbated things. When i’m single, im more “chill” and have more pride in myself and don’t really compare myself to other women. I’m aware that i will feel more stable if im single but i love him too much and the bond we have is too strong for me to let go

[MissCanuck]

8 hours ago, Holssi said:

His reason was that we were in a place with a lot of asians and latinos so he found the looks from white women weird and that he clung to me to show the world i’m his and he’s mine

Honestly, is he 12? 

I don't mean to be unkind, but I highly doubt all these women were so interested in him that he just had to "cling to" you. Come on, now.

My guess is that he is flattered by female attention (in general) and may have imagined or exaggerated all these looks he was supposedly getting. In a huge crowd of mixed people in LA, it is unlikely he stood out that much that many women noticed him. That's not a shot at him. It's just a matter of probability. 

6 hours ago, Holssi said:

he only dated white or half white girls

You realize this likely just a reflection of the demographic though, right? Maybe there are simply more white or mixed-race folks in his area and not many Filipina women. For example, I grew up in a very small town in Canada, where nearly everyone is white, Anglo-Saxon background. So by default, my exes from that time were of the same heritage. It had nothing to do with not being attracted to men of other ethnicities. There simply wasn't much diversity at all in the dating pool there (and there still isn't) 

At some point, you have got to take ownership of your insecurity, and learn to be proud of who you are. And your boyfriend could stand to be a lot more mindful and not so boastful of these women he thinks are checking him out. 

[Batya33]

10 hours ago, Holssi said:

No, but when my insecurities are intense or triggered, the stereotype makes me overthink (especially with regards to his past and then that comment) and I end up hyper-focusing on my flaws and think that I’m not good enough for him. We never focus on it, or at least I don’t because it never crossed my mind until he mentioned the looks. All my attention is on him and I never cared for the other men around. There were moments where he would say “that guy’s looking at you” or “all these guys are looking at you”. Idk why he’s noticing them but maybe he’s jealous because he made a joke about wanting to gouge their eyes out and said he felt possessive. We have a lot in common and have a lot of emotional attraction towards each other and he says that our similarities and my personality made him fall in love intensely

 

Nothing is making you.  You have control over how you react to feelings even if  you have no control over what you feel.  So you work on the root of your insecurities -you do that work and -honestly -even the most secure person would be annoyed at what your boyfriend said and how tacky and thoughtless it was unless it was  the way the couple joked around.  How often is he commenting on other men looking at your face or body and how often does he make such violent comments about what he'd like to do to other people?Do you find this thrilling or masculine somehow??

News for you -we all have physical flaws with rare exception.  You may get more physical flaws as you age.  Or what you will see as a flaw.  I have age spots, wrinkles, a faded scar from my emergency c-section, and many bad hair days.  I am 58 and so is my husband and he has flaws too -he gained some weight, he is short (this is considered a flaw in society -not to me at all -neither is the weight gain -to me other than minor health concerns).  I think he's cute! He thinks I am cute!

We are surrounded by better looking people all day every day - Guess what -when I was 8 months pregnant and waddling around with an engagement ring - I was hit on by a handsome guy behind me in line to get popcorn at a movie theater (husband wasn't there/didn't tell him).  I was - big - fat -right? I'd work on this black and white thinking about who gets hit on/why/who checks who out/why. 

If you trust him and he trusts you it doesn't matter who checks you out.  Right? His comment would come across as rude to anyone - and I'd also avoid discussing people in terms of skin tone unless you have to in relating something that happened -it's a bad habit and in certain places and situations it might trigger the people around you if they overhear -not worth it IMO.

I get the insecurity -I am 58 like I said with wrinkles and age spots and my husband had lunch with a much more attractive woman yesterday -a business lunch - and she is single now.  Hmm.  But I am not triggered- because we are committed -you say you are committed - so if you trust him it shouldn't be more than a passing thought -if that.  Feel what you feel -learn different ways of reacting and part of that will come with building up knowing  your worth.  

Falling in love intensely is great.  Loving is more than a feeling.  Loving is giving -the giving part is the most important to me in an LTR - so when he made that comment that wasn't being giving to you - it was about an ego boost for him and oversharing that with you to show you how wanted he is I guess- so it's not all about "emotional attraction" as you put it - the basics are if you love someone you want to show it by acting in their best interests, being supportive, compassionate, thoughtful, kind.  The in love feeling is yummy for sure -and can get you over rough spots because you reignite the spark -but day to day -loving is giving.

[Holssi]

14 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

Honestly, is he 12? 

I don't mean to be unkind, but I highly doubt all these women were so interested in him that he just had to "cling to" you. Come on, now.

My guess is that he is flattered by female attention (in general) and may have imagined or exaggerated all these looks he was supposedly getting. In a huge crowd of mixed people in LA, it is unlikely he stood out that much that many women noticed him. That's not a shot at him. It's just a matter of probability. 

You realize this likely just a reflection of the demographic though, right? Maybe there are simply more white or mixed-race folks in his area and not many Filipina women. For example, I grew up in a very small town in Canada, where nearly everyone is white, Anglo-Saxon background. So by default, my exes from that time were of the same heritage. It had nothing to do with not being attracted to men of other ethnicities. There simply wasn't much diversity at all in the dating pool there (and there still isn't) 

At some point, you have got to take ownership of your insecurity, and learn to be proud of who you are. And your boyfriend could stand to be a lot more mindful and not so boastful of these women he thinks are checking him out. 

I totally understand your point and it really seemed like he was flattered by it but it annoyed me that he had to point out the specific race and did it happily. It caught me off guard as he always acts like he doesn’t care about other women and dislikes attention from them when dating someone. You’re right about the demographics and is in line with his reasoning for his dating history. I appreciate your response a lot.

 

12 hours ago, Batya33 said:

Nothing is making you.  You have control over how you react to feelings even if  you have no control over what you feel.  So you work on the root of your insecurities -you do that work and -honestly -even the most secure person would be annoyed at what your boyfriend said and how tacky and thoughtless it was unless it was  the way the couple joked around.  How often is he commenting on other men looking at your face or body and how often does he make such violent comments about what he'd like to do to other people?Do you find this thrilling or masculine somehow??

News for you -we all have physical flaws with rare exception.  You may get more physical flaws as you age.  Or what you will see as a flaw.  I have age spots, wrinkles, a faded scar from my emergency c-section, and many bad hair days.  I am 58 and so is my husband and he has flaws too -he gained some weight, he is short (this is considered a flaw in society -not to me at all -neither is the weight gain -to me other than minor health concerns).  I think he's cute! He thinks I am cute!

We are surrounded by better looking people all day every day - Guess what -when I was 8 months pregnant and waddling around with an engagement ring - I was hit on by a handsome guy behind me in line to get popcorn at a movie theater (husband wasn't there/didn't tell him).  I was - big - fat -right? I'd work on this black and white thinking about who gets hit on/why/who checks who out/why. 

If you trust him and he trusts you it doesn't matter who checks you out.  Right? His comment would come across as rude to anyone - and I'd also avoid discussing people in terms of skin tone unless you have to in relating something that happened -it's a bad habit and in certain places and situations it might trigger the people around you if they overhear -not worth it IMO.

I get the insecurity -I am 58 like I said with wrinkles and age spots and my husband had lunch with a much more attractive woman yesterday -a business lunch - and she is single now.  Hmm.  But I am not triggered- because we are committed -you say you are committed - so if you trust him it shouldn't be more than a passing thought -if that.  Feel what you feel -learn different ways of reacting and part of that will come with building up knowing  your worth.  

Falling in love intensely is great.  Loving is more than a feeling.  Loving is giving -the giving part is the most important to me in an LTR - so when he made that comment that wasn't being giving to you - it was about an ego boost for him and oversharing that with you to show you how wanted he is I guess- so it's not all about "emotional attraction" as you put it - the basics are if you love someone you want to show it by acting in their best interests, being supportive, compassionate, thoughtful, kind.  The in love feeling is yummy for sure -and can get you over rough spots because you reignite the spark -but day to day -loving is giving.

@Batya33 you’re right and it’s definitely my responsibility to work on my insecurities regardless if he triggered it. The comment was very disrespectful and I’m just surprised cause he never seems to do those things before. During the trip he made those comments about men looking quite often and when he made that joke, i was quite surprised because he  doesn’t get jealous that often. I guess you’re right though that it doesn’t matter who checks us out. Honestly, i never really discuss skin color until recently since this insecurity was triggered. I’m glad you’re secure in your relationship with your husband and I hope to get to that state one day. You’re right about loving being giving and he definitely tries to do that everyday so him making that comment was unexpected and hurtful and im not sure how to get over it

[Batya33]

What are your future plans, if any? Is it possible he's sabotaging things because you two are getting closer to deciding on marriage,etc?

[Holssi]

28 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

What are your future plans, if any? Is it possible he's sabotaging things because you two are getting closer to deciding on marriage,etc?

He plans for me to move to the US and close the distance after he graduates law school in 2 years. We plan on getting married.  I’m not sure if he’s sabotaging things but its quite ***ty if he is

[Batya33]

9 minutes ago, Holssi said:

He plans for me to move to the US and close the distance after he graduates law school in 2 years. We plan on getting married.  I’m not sure if he’s sabotaging things but its quite ***ty if he is

Oh right I am sorry you mentioned.  Hopefully this was just a passing phase and he'll revert to his former behavior.  

[Holssi]

12 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Oh right I am sorry you mentioned.  Hopefully this was just a passing phase and he'll revert to his former behavior.  

No worries 🙂 i hope its just a phase cause it causes distrust

[MissCanuck]

8 hours ago, Holssi said:

it really seemed like he was flattered by it but it annoyed me that he had to point out the specific race and did it happily.

This is what wouldn't sit well with me either, regardless of race.

But I also think it's strange that he made a point of telling you their race. That part shouldn't matter.

[Holssi]

Just now, MissCanuck said:

This is what wouldn't sit well with me either, regardless of race.

But I also think it's strange that he made a point of telling you their race. That part shouldn't matter.

Yeah, exactly….no matter what explanation he gave me (which was total bs to me), it really triggered my insecurities and my overthinking that he had a preference because of him pointing that detail, out coupled with his past. 

[MissCanuck]

7 hours ago, Holssi said:

He plans for me to move to the US and close the distance after he graduates law school in 2 years.

What does this mean, in practical terms? 

As I said, I also live abroad (in Europe now), and I am quite familiar with the bureaucractic and logistical maze that immigration/relocation involves. Have you two looked into the necessary visa and documentation (and money) you will need to move there? Is he able to sponsor you? Have you both consulted an immigration lawyer for advice? This applies even if he is an American citizen and plans to marry you and bring you to the US that way. There is still a lengthy process involved there. 

I realize this is not the topic of the thread. I just wonder how much actual research you have both done to see what you need to do to be allowed to legally relocte and reside in the US with him. If your plans there are solid, and realistic (in terms of finances and legalities), I think you are in okay shape. If you haven't really started the actual research and putting some wheels in motion, well, you really should. 2 years is not a long time when you are preparing to immigrate. 

[Batya33]

4 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

What does this mean, in practical terms? 

As I said, I also live abroad (in Europe now), and I am quite familiar with the bureaucractic and logistical maze that immigration/relocation involves. Have you two looked into the necessary visa and documentation (and money) you will need to move there? Is he able to sponsor you? Have you both consulted an immigration lawyer for advice? This applies even if he is an American citizen and plans to marry you and bring you to the US that way. There is still a lengthy process involved there. 

I realize this is not the topic of the thread. I just wonder how much actual research you have both done to see what you need to do to be allowed to legally relocte and reside in the US with him. If your plans there are solid, and realistic (in terms of finances and legalities), I think you are in okay shape. If you haven't really started the actual research and putting some wheels in motion, well, you really should. 2 years is not a long time when you are preparing to immigrate. 

Also will his law degree work cross border, etc?

[SooSad33]

On 8/29/2024 at 1:55 AM, Holssi said:

Whenever I ask for reassurance, he says I’m the most beautiful girl to him, that he loves me the most in this world, I’m his soulmate, wants to marry me and that he never had a type as he is demisexual. He would also get mad at me and call me things alluding that im racist for being insecure about his dating history and how i feel different from those 3 women because im Asian and they’re white or half white. I feel so different and it makes me feel awful….Like I’m not attractive to him because I’m not his “preferred” race (i know its stupid). I would overthink that he’s only complimenting me to make me feel good and im not actually attractive to him. I can’t help but obsess about his dating history and wonder if i would feel this way if he dated other ethnicities and if he secretly has a fetish but wont admit it. The distance makes it so hard and he might leave me for a girl like his exes. I just want to be enough despite not being the race like his exes and not feel like he settled for me 

IMO, he's just a loser 😕 .

No one should be insulted like that! 

He's calling you names, full of accusations and you're insecure.  This is not healthy at all.

I don't feel this will be happening for much longer and you need to sit back and look at the whole scenario.  Nope, I wouldn't be around much longer with such disputes.

He just doesn't appreciate women properly at all, imo.  

 

[Holssi]

5 hours ago, SooSad33 said:

IMO, he's just a loser 😕 .

No one should be insulted like that! 

He's calling you names, full of accusations and you're insecure.  This is not healthy at all.

I don't feel this will be happening for much longer and you need to sit back and look at the whole scenario.  Nope, I wouldn't be around much longer with such disputes.

He just doesn't appreciate women properly at all, imo.  

 

The whole thing is making me depressed tbh

[yogacat]

On 8/29/2024 at 6:26 PM, Holssi said:

Thank you and yes, that comment was very hurtful and set my insecurities down a painful path. He never made comments like these before and this was the first time and really took me by surprise. He has since clarified what he meant and apologized for it. I experienced RJ before and it started with an ex partner who would put me down in favor for his ex and crush because of his own insecurity and jealousy. It scarred me so much that the habit carried into this present relationship. When im not in a relationship or situationship, i don’t really get this anxious and insecure about myself. In fact, i never cared for race before and saw myself as an equal. It was only in this relationship where i felt massively insecure about his exes being white or half white and me being different. Back then, i would get jealous of a partner’s bond with their exes and while i had that with him as well, its a first for me to feel insecure about race and that im not attractive to him cause he only dated white or half white girls and im Filipina. The comment he made only exacerbated things. When i’m single, im more “chill” and have more pride in myself and don’t really compare myself to other women. I’m aware that i will feel more stable if im single but i love him too much and the bond we have is too strong for me to let go

Hi Holssi!

Just circling back...

Wow, so he mentioned that comment because he enjoyed 5 seconds of attention from white females. Sounds like he liked the validation that he's attractive from white women who have historically been approved and desirable.  However, something is definitely amiss to start making these comments publicly unless there's reason for this to be discussed and be part of a conversation.  

That's one part of it...

The other part of it IS your feelings of inferiority and retroactive jealousy. Those feelings you already had. He didn't need to comment about valuation from other women. Sure. However, looking deeper into what was said and pushing aside the retroactive jealousy, there are flaws on both sides.

He shouldn't be looking towards his relationships to ring validation that he's attractive and your insecurities are already 500 feet deep.

You're already in this relationship with this belief that you are in this relationship even though you don't fit the mold. That's not sustainable. You came into this relationship, with this regurgitated belief of yours bubbling. I get it. And with your current insecurities, and his 5-seconds-of-fame-for-validation from white women, doesn't help.

I don't realistically see how this will work.

[Holssi]

2 hours ago, yogacat said:

Hi Holssi!

Just circling back...

Wow, so he mentioned that comment because he enjoyed 5 seconds of attention from white females. Sounds like he liked the validation that he's attractive from white women who have historically been approved and desirable.  However, something is definitely amiss to start making these comments publicly unless there's reason for this to be discussed and be part of a conversation.  

That's one part of it...

The other part of it IS your feelings of inferiority and retroactive jealousy. Those feelings you already had. He didn't need to comment about valuation from other women. Sure. However, looking deeper into what was said and pushing aside the retroactive jealousy, there are flaws on both sides.

He shouldn't be looking towards his relationships to ring validation that he's attractive and your insecurities are already 500 feet deep.

You're already in this relationship with this belief that you are in this relationship even though you don't fit the mold. That's not sustainable. You came into this relationship, with this regurgitated belief of yours bubbling. I get it. And with your current insecurities, and his 5-seconds-of-fame-for-validation from white women, doesn't help.

I don't realistically see how this will work.

He said different reasons for why he said that comment but none of it is clicking or believable to me. 
 

You made valid points here. We are due to have a couples therapy session together in a few days and I guess i’ll see if things will work out or not

 

[Batya33]

11 hours ago, Holssi said:

He said different reasons for why he said that comment but none of it is clicking or believable to me. 
 

You made valid points here. We are due to have a couples therapy session together in a few days and I guess i’ll see if things will work out or not

 

My sense is one session often is not enough so you decide how much more time you're willing to invest in this relationship. And what you're willing to do to work on yourself and work on the relationship.

[Holssi]

1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

My sense is one session often is not enough so you decide how much more time you're willing to invest in this relationship. And what you're willing to do to work on yourself and work on the relationship.

Of course one session is not enough and we’ve had a couple now but this session we’ll be having is centered on this specific issue and I just want to be able to let things out about this to him without him becoming cold and dismissive. I feel quite disappointed in what we have so hopefully the guidance can shed some light on things and I can evaluate things properly.

[Batya33]

4 hours ago, Holssi said:

Of course one session is not enough and we’ve had a couple now but this session we’ll be having is centered on this specific issue and I just want to be able to let things out about this to him without him becoming cold and dismissive. I feel quite disappointed in what we have so hopefully the guidance can shed some light on things and I can evaluate things properly.

So then is your expectation that when the counselor is not around he will not be cold and dismissive if you raise any number of concerns? He's just this way -cold and dismissive -when it comes to his bragging about who is checking him out and telling  you who is checking you out in public?