I’m having retroactive jealousy and insecurities around my bf’s dating histor

[Holssi]

I’ve been with my (27f) ldr bf (25m) for nearly a year and a half now and despite its downs, is the best relationship I have due to my intense connection with him. I’ve always felt insecure in my relationship with him and have retroactive jealousy (rj) because I just love him so much but after meeting him in person, i feel more “threatened” with the idea of losing him to someone else given how amazing that meeting was and how great he is in person. For context, my bf is Indian from Long Island, NY while i’m Filipina living in the Philippines. We were good friends first and as our connection deepened, he confessed that he is in love with me and I told him I have feelings as well. 

We would always share our stories about our lives with each other and I came to find out some time ago that his exes were either white or half white. (One ex is half, Indian, one half-Moroccan and one blonde white girl) This makes me so insecure as I’m Asian and come from a place where white people, East Asians and lighter skin in general are heavily preferred along with being different from them. We had a bad fight during the trip cause he casually mentioned getting looks from white women. The stereotype that Indian men preferring white women doesn’t help. He tried to reassure me that he doesn’t care about race and just happened to live in a place where there were not a lot of minorities and white people were the majority. He also said me thinking that way is gross which hurt my feelings cause I felt invalidated. On top of that, I’m baby faced, curvy, tan with dark hair while his exes had lighter features overall plus had similar hobbies as him. 

Whenever I ask for reassurance, he says I’m the most beautiful girl to him, that he loves me the most in this world, I’m his soulmate, wants to marry me and that he never had a type as he is demisexual. He would also get mad at me and call me things alluding that im racist for being insecure about his dating history and how i feel different from those 3 women because im Asian and they’re white or half white. I feel so different and it makes me feel awful….Like I’m not attractive to him because I’m not his “preferred” race (i know its stupid). I would overthink that he’s only complimenting me to make me feel good and im not actually attractive to him. I can’t help but obsess about his dating history and wonder if i would feel this way if he dated other ethnicities and if he secretly has a fetish but wont admit it. The distance makes it so hard and he might leave me for a girl like his exes. I just want to be enough despite not being the race like his exes and not feel like he settled for me 

[ShySoul]

1. Race doesn't matter when it comes to feelings or relationships. Just because you have like a particular race in the past, doesn't mean those are "preferred." It also doesn't mean you can't like a different race in the future. So please don't think you are someone how less attractive then anyone else just off of race.

Oh, and as someone who has been crazy over an Asian woman, they can be just as attractive as any white woman.

2. Try not to compare yourself to past relationships. The past is the past. There is a reason all those relationships didn't work out and are in the past. If these women were really so amazing and perfect, he would still be with one of them. But he isn't. He is with you. The important thing is to be in the moment with the one you are currently with. It's embracing what you share at this time. 

3. The real issue I see with him is not his taste in ethnicity. His problem is that he isn't respecting your concerns. Yes, he says you are beautiful. But then he dismisses how you feel and gets mad at you. He accuses you of being racist. A decent guy would talk with you about why you feel this way and take the time to calm your fears. He wouldn't get angry so easily.

Is that really the guy you want to be with? If you feel hurt, there is a reason for it. A boyfriend should be able to talk to his girlfriend and want to make her feel better, not worse. So maybe you should ask yourself, is he really worth all the stress, hurt, and feeling invalidated?

4. Have more confidence in yourself. Don't compare yourself to other people. Focus on your strengths and the things you like about you. You are a beautiful and unique person, inside and out. Try to see that for yourself without comparing yourself to any specific person or to any race.

[Kwothe28]

1 hour ago, Holssi said:

He would also get mad at me and call me things alluding that im racist for being insecure about his dating history and how i feel different from those 3 women because im Asian and they’re white or half white. 

I mean you kinda are. You are getting jealous because of the race of the exes. Not because he is still in contact with them or something like that. But because of the color of their skin. 

Your feelings dont need to be validated when your feelings are irrational. You are getting jealous because his exes have different skin color. Keep that up and he will really leave you. And when he finds somebody else with different skin color you will think its because of the race. But in fact, it would be because you chased him away because of your jealousy. 

[Holssi]

35 minutes ago, ShySoul said:

1. Race doesn't matter when it comes to feelings or relationships. Just because you have like a particular race in the past, doesn't mean those are "preferred." It also doesn't mean you can't like a different race in the future. So please don't think you are someone how less attractive then anyone else just off of race.

Oh, and as someone who has been crazy over an Asian woman, they can be just as attractive as any white woman.

2. Try not to compare yourself to past relationships. The past is the past. There is a reason all those relationships didn't work out and are in the past. If these women were really so amazing and perfect, he would still be with one of them. But he isn't. He is with you. The important thing is to be in the moment with the one you are currently with. It's embracing what you share at this time. 

3. The real issue I see with him is not his taste in ethnicity. His problem is that he isn't respecting your concerns. Yes, he says you are beautiful. But then he dismisses how you feel and gets mad at you. He accuses you of being racist. A decent guy would talk with you about why you feel this way and take the time to calm your fears. He wouldn't get angry so easily.

Is that really the guy you want to be with? If you feel hurt, there is a reason for it. A boyfriend should be able to talk to his girlfriend and want to make her feel better, not worse. So maybe you should ask yourself, is he really worth all the stress, hurt, and feeling invalidated?

4. Have more confidence in yourself. Don't compare yourself to other people. Focus on your strengths and the things you like about you. You are a beautiful and unique person, inside and out. Try to see that for yourself without comparing yourself to any specific person or to any race.

1. I’m just trying to believe him when he said that he never had a preference and things just happened because of where he lives and that race never mattered to him but its….just hard for me to believe and not overthink about….part of me wishes he dated other ethnicities but that would be cruel. 
 

2. You are right and he’s been very loving to me and tries to make me feel loved and appreciated. He also said im the one he wants to marry and see a future with so im trying to focus on that.

3. Yes, thats one issue for me and it makes me feel that my insecurities and pain is disregarded. He did apologize to me about it and said he will do better.

4. Thank you so much! Any tips on not comparing myself when i cant shake the thoughts of being different away? Especially in terms of the “racial pattern” in his dating history? I just get scared that he will cheat or leave me for a woman physically like his exes….i cant help but think that he prefers white women and isnt physically attracted to me despite what he says

[MissCanuck]

1 hour ago, Holssi said:

The distance makes it so hard and he might leave me for a girl like his exes.

How often do you see each other in person? What are the plans to close the distance?

3 minutes ago, Holssi said:

i cant help but think that he prefers white women and isnt physically attracted to me despite what he says

You shouldn't be dating him if you are convinced of this. He can't continue to soothe you; it's not fair to him to project your own insecurity like this. Unless and until you work on your own fears and poor self-esteem, this relationship won't last. And it won't be because he prefers other ethnicities. 

[Holssi]

7 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

I mean you kinda are. You are getting jealous because of the race of the exes. Not because he is still in contact with them or something like that. But because of the color of their skin. 

Your feelings dont need to be validated when your feelings are irrational. You are getting jealous because his exes have different skin color. Keep that up and he will really leave you. And when he finds somebody else with different skin color you will think its because of the race. But in fact, it would be because you chased him away because of your jealousy. 

Thank you for your response and for calling me out. I just feel insecure cause im different from them and feel paranoid that he has a preference and im not it. Im just trying to believe that he doesn’t have a preference and its just about where he lives but its hard to come to terms with it. Do you have any tips on how to feel less jealous of things I can’t change?

[Holssi]

Just now, MissCanuck said:

How often do you see each other in person? What are the plans to close the distance?

You shouldn't be dating him if you are convinced of this. He can't continue to soothe you; it's not fair to him to project your own insecurity like this. Unless and until you work on your own fears and poor self-esteem, this relationship won't last. And it won't be because he prefers other ethnicities. 

We rarely see each other but we will make a trip to see each other again in 2 months. Thank you for calling me out, my fears and insecurities are through the roof that he isnt genuinely attracted to me. Im gonna see my therapist for this issue

[MissCanuck]

7 minutes ago, Holssi said:

We rarely see each other but we will make a trip to see each other again in 2 months.

Have you only met this one time, then? 

Are there plans to close the distance? How did you meet living so far away from each other? 

I am asking because I'm trying to better understand the context of your relationship. 

[Holssi]

11 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

Have you only met this one time, then? 

Are there plans to close the distance? How did you meet living so far away from each other? 

I am asking because I'm trying to better understand the context of your relationship. 

Im glad you asked. We met twice last year and this year but with huge gaps. There are plans to close the distance with us planning to live in the US due to his career plans and him wanting to marry me and have a life together. We met on Reddit after i made a post about my mental health struggles and became best friends. 

[MissCanuck]

51 minutes ago, Holssi said:

There are plans to close the distance with us planning to live in the US due to his career plans and him wanting to marry me and have a life together.

Is there a rough timeline for this? You plan to the live in the US, which is fine, but have you got the skills and finances to support such a transition? I live abroad myself and know what an enormous undertaking it is. I am just wondering how concrete these plans are, or if these are mainly just ideas and hopes at this point.  

I think the lack of real time together in person is not helping you feel any more secure about your relationship. It's a separate issue from your insecurity about ethnicity, but it's a relevant factor in not feeling very secure in your connection in general. 

 

[Holssi]

57 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

Is there a rough timeline for this? You plan to the live in the US, which is fine, but have you got the skills and finances to support such a transition? I live abroad myself and know what an enormous undertaking it is. I am just wondering how concrete these plans are, or if these are mainly just ideas and hopes at this point.  

I think the lack of real time together in person is not helping you feel any more secure about your relationship. It's a separate issue from your insecurity about ethnicity, but it's a relevant factor in not feeling very secure in your connection in general. 

 

Our plan is for me to move in two years and i’m currently saving up as much as I can to be able to make things happen. I actually got a job offer there that will take me back to the US in October but I’m a bit skeptical cause I still need to build my skills and confidence for me to do well. You have a point in the lack of real time together. Its definitely adding to the insecurities as our time together got massively reduced and I miss him more and more everyday to the point where I would cry to myself. 

[MissCanuck]

23 minutes ago, Holssi said:

our time together got massively reduced

What do you mean by this - what happened?

4 hours ago, Holssi said:

he casually mentioned getting looks from white women.

Also, it was inconsiderate of him to bring this up. Why did he feel the need to mention this? 

[Holssi]

40 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

What do you mean by this - what happened?

Also, it was inconsiderate of him to bring this up. Why did he feel the need to mention this? 

Our time got reduced cause he’s back at law school and is now busy with studies. Yes, it was inconsiderate and it was the trigger for these insecurities to resurface. His reason was that when we were in LA, he felt anxious in crowds and he found it unusual because we were in a tourist spot with more Asians and Latinos (i didnt believe him at all cause there were loads of white people and i was so angry). He kept saying it didn’t matter to him because he would always cling to me physically at that moment and that lots of people were looking at me too but I was so hurt that I nearly left him. It came off with the way he said it that he enjoyed the attention from white women

[MissCanuck]

9 minutes ago, Holssi said:

His reason was that when we were in LA, he felt anxious in crowds and he found it unusual because we were in a tourist spot with more Asians and Latinos

Sorry, but this makes zero sense. He was anxious in a crowd in LA so he told you he gets looks from white women? Right. I think you already know that is a pile of BS. You are likely right about him being flattered by the attention, and then back-pedalling with a stupid excuse when he realized it was not very wise to blurt this out to you. 

To be clear, I still don't think it means he prefers one ethnicity to another. I just think he's not very mindful of his words. 

Anyway, I would ask yourself if you can really handle the distance here. It's going to be at least another 2 years of enormous geographical barriers, and coupled with your own insecurity, it is going to be hard to sustain.  

[Holssi]

1 hour ago, MissCanuck said:

Sorry, but this makes zero sense. He was anxious in a crowd in LA so he told you he gets looks from white women? Right. I think you already know that is a pile of BS. You are likely right about him being flattered by the attention, and then back-pedalling with a stupid excuse when he realized it was not very wise to blurt this out to you. 

To be clear, I still don't think it means he prefers one ethnicity to another. I just think he's not very mindful of his words. 

Anyway, I would ask yourself if you can really handle the distance here. It's going to be at least another 2 years of enormous geographical barriers, and coupled with your own insecurity, it is going to be hard to sustain.  

I fully agree with you. Its a load of bs for me. Part of me thought that what if he was trying to make me jealous as he said he mentioned I was getting looks but who knows. I just felt very triggered and the insecurity resurfaced. Every time i would try and talk to him about this insecurity, he gets dismissive. I can handle the distance as long as we can make time for each other.

[Batya33]

4 hours ago, Holssi said:

I fully agree with you. Its a load of bs for me. Part of me thought that what if he was trying to make me jealous as he said he mentioned I was getting looks but who knows. I just felt very triggered and the insecurity resurfaced. Every time i would try and talk to him about this insecurity, he gets dismissive. I can handle the distance as long as we can make time for each other.

On your end you seem to have an intense focus on needing reassurance about his attraction to your physical features and most specifically your skin color.  You seem to be very focused on the skin color of people around you, talking about the subject of skin color, what skin color his exes had.  It comes across as very -strange to me.  I have friends of various ethnicities, various skin tones including friends who are Asian and there is not this inordinate focus -inordinate IMO.

I agree with Miss Canuck's analysis.

Your ways of interacting on both ends don't seem healthy or focused on the substance of who you are as people.

[Coily]

One thing I picked up on is the cultural difference around race observations; Filipino vs Long Islander view on that sort of thing will naturally be very different. So the OP will react to things very differently from a more ethnically homogeneous part of the world. But considering the Boyfriend doesn't seem to have such baggage, i would suggest that that OP shifts her focus away from that. It would also explain why the BF is dismissive of such concerns, as it's not something he's used to.

[rainbowsandroses]

12 hours ago, Holssi said:

Do you have any tips on how to feel less jealous of things I can’t change?

^^Hello @Holssi, I went through this same thing with an ex a few years ago.  It wasn't about race however his ex before me (who he was in love with) was a crossfitter, a body builder and in amazing shape whereas I'm slim, petite and in moderate to good shape. 

I don't do crossfit, body build or run marathons (HE did), rather I do yoga, pilates take short runs occasionally and long walks. 

Anyway, I recall feeling quite inadequate believing he preferred his ex's body type BUT then came to realize that was MY own insecurities that had literally nothing to do with any preference he might have had. 

He was all over me physically and would tell me how attracted he was, but still inside I felt inadequate.

@Holssiremember he told he was demisexual, why not choose to believe him? 

Do you trust him?  Trust that what he tells you is the truth? 

 

[redswim30]

Very simple- 

He cannot change the past.  You either need to GET OVER it or break up with him if you can't. 

[Holssi]

4 hours ago, Batya33 said:

On your end you seem to have an intense focus on needing reassurance about his attraction to your physical features and most specifically your skin color.  You seem to be very focused on the skin color of people around you, talking about the subject of skin color, what skin color his exes had.  It comes across as very -strange to me.  I have friends of various ethnicities, various skin tones including friends who are Asian and there is not this inordinate focus -inordinate IMO.

I agree with Miss Canuck's analysis.

Your ways of interacting on both ends don't seem healthy or focused on the substance of who you are as people.

You’re right that i need a lot of reassurance as my insecurities would tell me that im not attractive to him compared to them and i find it hard to believe that it was more of his exposure where he’s coming from and I can’t help but feel like he settled for me and would leave me for a girl like them. Right now, im just trying to believe that he loves me for me no matter how hard it is and that he never had a preference. I need to get over it

[Holssi]

2 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

^^Hello @Holssi, I went through this same thing with an ex a few years ago.  It wasn't about race however his ex before me (who he was in love with) was a crossfitter, a body builder and in amazing shape whereas I'm slim, petite and in moderate to good shape. 

I don't do crossfit, body build or run marathons (HE did), rather I do yoga, pilates take short runs occasionally and long walks. 

Anyway, I recall feeling quite inadequate believing he preferred his ex's body type BUT then came to realize that was MY own insecurities that had literally nothing to do with any preference he might have had. 

He was all over me physically and would tell me how attracted he was, but still inside I felt inadequate.

@Holssiremember he told he was demisexual, why not choose to believe him? 

Do you trust him?  Trust that what he tells you is the truth? 

 

I love your response and oftentimes I keep forgetting that he’s demisexual…i guess my insecurities are that intense along with my fears so I find it hard to trust him

[Holssi]

4 hours ago, Coily said:

One thing I picked up on is the cultural difference around race observations; Filipino vs Long Islander view on that sort of thing will naturally be very different. So the OP will react to things very differently from a more ethnically homogeneous part of the world. But considering the Boyfriend doesn't seem to have such baggage, i would suggest that that OP shifts her focus away from that. It would also explain why the BF is dismissive of such concerns, as it's not something he's used to.

4 hours ago, Coily said:

One thing I picked up on is the cultural difference around race observations; Filipino vs Long Islander view on that sort of thing will naturally be very different. So the OP will react to things very differently from a more ethnically homogeneous part of the world. But considering the Boyfriend doesn't seem to have such baggage, i would suggest that that OP shifts her focus away from that. It would also explain why the BF is dismissive of such concerns, as it's not something he's used to.

You made a good point. Despite him being Indian, he’s still living in a predominantly white area and follows the culture there. I’m just trying to believe now that he never had a preference and it was more of his exposure

2 hours ago, redswim30 said:

Very simple- 

He cannot change the past.  You either need to GET OVER it or break up with him if you can't. 

Any tips on getting over it?

[Batya33]

I would move past it by figuring out why you think he is that focused on physical features and skin color.  In choosing whether to be with someone -do you really think he's that superficial -to that extent I mean?? That's a fairly low opinion of him if that is true -what a shame.  Obviously looks matter to an extent to many people -I'm talking about you are going to the lengths of thinking he won't want to be with you as a person -the whole package-if he meets some hottie with a different skin color.  Really?  Just based on the skin color of those he  dated in the past? I agree his white woman comment was tactless and weird.

[Holssi]

3 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I would move past it by figuring out why you think he is that focused on physical features and skin color.  In choosing whether to be with someone -do you really think he's that superficial -to that extent I mean?? That's a fairly low opinion of him if that is true -what a shame.  Obviously looks matter to an extent to many people -I'm talking about you are going to the lengths of thinking he won't want to be with you as a person -the whole package-if he meets some hottie with a different skin color.  Really?  Just based on the skin color of those he  dated in the past? I agree his white woman comment was tactless and weird.

He kept trying to reassure me that its more about him living in a predominantly white area instead of him having them as a type. I guess the whole stereotype of Indians preferring white women got to me, especially when he mentioned the white woman comment…it really hurt my feelings…. he reassured me earlier that he just found it weird that white girls were looking at him when we were in an area full of asians and latinos, that he immediately clung to me when they looked to show people he’s with me, he dislikes strangers looking at him and apologized to me for being inconsiderate. Part of me wondered if he was trying to make me jealous or hurt me cause he mentioned that men were looking at me every time we were out.

[Batya33]

6 minutes ago, Holssi said:

He kept trying to reassure me that its more about him living in a predominantly white area instead of him having them as a type. I guess the whole stereotype of Indians preferring white women got to me, especially when he mentioned the white woman comment…it really hurt my feelings…. he reassured me earlier that he just found it weird that white girls were looking at him when we were in an area full of asians and latinos, that he immediately clung to me when they looked to show people he’s with me, he dislikes strangers looking at him and apologized to me for being inconsiderate. Part of me wondered if he was trying to make me jealous or hurt me cause he mentioned that men were looking at me every time we were out.

So you see your boyfriend as part of a stereotype rather than as an individual you know intimately? I'm glad he apologized -what a jerky comment to make.  Is this something you two are focused on a lot -who is looking at whom when you are out in public? Why and why is he noticing if people are looking at you or if he thinks they are? Do you two have enough in common beyond physical and sexual attraction?