I feel so lost and alone tw

[asena]

i just need to let it all out.

It feels like i can‘t get anything done and i am a failure. I am too anxious to attend my classes most of the time and getting on a train is a nightmare for me. I ***ed this semester up completely and have to study one more semester to make up for it and my parents are already so impatient. I feel like dying every single day and staying at home, doing my uni work from home, makes me feel even worse because my family won‘t take it seriously.

My parents are at work and my sister is at school so i do all the house work. I drop my parents and my sister off at work and school, pick them up, i clean, i walk our dog two times, i make food, the groceries, the laundry and my school work on top.

All this just to hear from my mom that i sit on my ass all day long and sleep, which just isn‘t true because i don‘t even get to sit down. 

I am so burned out and i don‘t have anybody to talk to because the only person that i do trust, my boyfriend, is very distant and depressed himself so i don‘t want to bother him with this stuff.

I also gained 10kgs and relapsed. I‘ve been dealing with bulimia for 5 years and was in recovery for 2 years and now i am back on square 1. I have had disordered eating habits since i can remember and it has destroyed my middle school, my high school and now my college experience. I feel like i will never get better so i might as well just die.

I genuinely don‘t know what to do anymore. There aren‘t any free therapy places nearby and i don‘t have the time to drive 1h+ with my schedule.

I don‘t feel appreciated and i don‘t feel like anyone would care if i just died.

I always thought that it doesn‘t matter if i am struggling and if i don‘t have anyone because i have my boyfriend but that‘s also not like that anymore. I don‘t think he cares anymore but i am too unstable to leave because he is all i have and he is also the only reason i am not self harming anymore because i don‘t want him to see it. 

I bend over backwards to see him as often as i can because I just want to feel loved but every time it‘s just disappointing and genuinely makes me want to kill myself

I tried everything. I got back into spirituality, it saved me in 2020-2021 but even that wears me down. I just want to lay down and do nothing. 

I don‘t know what to do 

[Batya33]

I'm sorry you're feeling so badly.  Can you reach out to your university health care? Or call a suicide hotline? Please let your parents know too.  Take care.

[TeeDee]

Small steps.   When you are depressed & overwhelmed you can't do anything big.  Don't even try because you will make yourself feel worse. 

You are being accused of doing nothing when you in fact do a lot.  Try this:  keep track. 

Write down what you do all day in 10-15 minute blocks.  Here's what I read you do:  

• wake up 
• shower / dress
• chauffer people to school  & work 
• grocery shop 
• clean 
• cook 
• do laundry 
• do your school work 

When you write it down you will see in black & white all you have accomplished.  

Double down on your spirituality.  Meditate 15 - 20 minutes per day just to quiet your mind. 

Journal.  Include a gratitude list.  A therapist of mine had me list 3 things I was grateful for every morning & 3 more at night.  They didn't have to be profound but could be.  Little things are fine.  My dog makes the lists a lot.  A beautiful sunset is important to note.  A new book I'm reading recommends 5 general things; 5 thinks about your job you are grateful for and 3 things you like about yourself.  I struggle with that but try.   Once a week you read over the lists & in time you will start to see the abundance in your life. 

When you struggle to go or attend class, that is exactly when you have to dig deep & force yourself.  Remember the last time you didn't want to go but went anyway & nothing bad happened.  Build on those successes. 

If you are genuinely feeling hopeless or like you want to die, call a suicide hotline.   

[catfeeder]

52 minutes ago, TeeDee said:

Write down what you do all day in 10-15 minute blocks.  Here's what I read you do:  

• wake up 
• shower / dress
• chauffer people to school  & work 
• grocery shop 
• clean 
• cook 
• do laundry 
• do your school work 

When you write it down you will see in black & white all you have accomplished.  

This is especially a good idea with regard to your mother. If you write your start and stop times for each, you can open a discussion with her about the things you do on a typical day, and yet you find yourself feeling devalued and demotivated when she makes comments about laziness. You'd like to know how she might feel about the two of you working together to build a more supportive and encouraging relationship between you, and you'd like her help.

I suspect that such a conversation may not go as well as you'd like, which is likely why you've had eating disorder issues in the past and struggle with those and anxiety today.

What resources did you draw upon to help you with your cycles of eating disorders in the past? Your school likely offers mental health counseling to students, and your tuition already pays for this help. I'd start by contacting them, and if they cannot provide some tele-help immediately, ask them for a referral to the services they've advertised online and in their brochures. This will signal to them that they can not recruit students with promises of services that they fail to deliver.

Also use the suicide prevention hotlines online for referrals to services that are local to you that are not widely known to the public. Please seek the help you need until you can find someone you can speak with and trust. My heart goes out to you.

[asena]

4 hours ago, Batya33 said:

I'm sorry you're feeling so badly.  Can you reach out to your university health care? Or call a suicide hotline? Please let your parents know too.  Take care.

i never looked into that but i‘ll try.

My parents are very traditional and old school, they don‘t believe in mental health issues. 

The last time i tried opening up to my mom was in 2018 and i got hit with a "children are starving and dying“, so that‘s not an option unfortunately 

[asena]

3 hours ago, TeeDee said:

Small steps.   When you are depressed & overwhelmed you can't do anything big.  Don't even try because you will make yourself feel worse. 

You are being accused of doing nothing when you in fact do a lot.  Try this:  keep track. 

Write down what you do all day in 10-15 minute blocks.  Here's what I read you do:  

• wake up 
• shower / dress
• chauffer people to school  & work 
• grocery shop 
• clean 
• cook 
• do laundry 
• do your school work 

When you write it down you will see in black & white all you have accomplished.  

Double down on your spirituality.  Meditate 15 - 20 minutes per day just to quiet your mind. 

Journal.  Include a gratitude list.  A therapist of mine had me list 3 things I was grateful for every morning & 3 more at night.  They didn't have to be profound but could be.  Little things are fine.  My dog makes the lists a lot.  A beautiful sunset is important to note.  A new book I'm reading recommends 5 general things; 5 thinks about your job you are grateful for and 3 things you like about yourself.  I struggle with that but try.   Once a week you read over the lists & in time you will start to see the abundance in your life. 

When you struggle to go or attend class, that is exactly when you have to dig deep & force yourself.  Remember the last time you didn't want to go but went anyway & nothing bad happened.  Build on those successes. 

If you are genuinely feeling hopeless or like you want to die, call a suicide hotline.   

Thank you so much. I will try that. I have a hard time viewing the things that i do daily as accomplishments because i never thought about it like that. 

I did try meditating more and it really helps a lot. 

[asena]

2 hours ago, catfeeder said:

This is especially a good idea with regard to your mother. If you write your start and stop times for each, you can open a discussion with her about the things you do on a typical day, and yet you find yourself feeling devalued and demotivated when she makes comments about laziness. You'd like to know how she might feel about the two of you working together to build a more supportive and encouraging relationship between you, and you'd like her help.

I suspect that such a conversation may not go as well as you'd like, which is likely why you've had eating disorder issues in the past and struggle with those and anxiety today.

What resources did you draw upon to help you with your cycles of eating disorders in the past? Your school likely offers mental health counseling to students, and your tuition already pays for this help. I'd start by contacting them, and if they cannot provide some tele-help immediately, ask them for a referral to the services they've advertised online and in their brochures. This will signal to them that they can not recruit students with promises of services that they fail to deliver.

Also use the suicide prevention hotlines online for referrals to services that are local to you that are not widely known to the public. Please seek the help you need until you can find someone you can speak with and trust. My heart goes out to you.

That‘s a good idea! I think my mom knows what i do because she sees that i did those things. I always make sure that my parents don‘t have anything to do when they come home and my mom always tells me that she has so much to do after work when i am not there.

That‘s why her calling me lazy and saying things like "u can at least do (something that i do everyday) and not lay down all day“, always catches me off guard. 

I never got any help for my eating disorder. It started really early for me so it was always normal until the bulimia started. 

 

[ShySoul]

I feel just like you do. Burned out, constantly being depended upon, little in the way of emotional support. It would be easier to die then to continue life in a world I've never seemed to fit into and don't see that ever changing. All I want is love, but love has been in short supply in life.

I don't want to see anyone hurt that way. I don't want you hurting that way. So if it means anything, I would care if you died. And I appreciate you. I appreciate the struggle you are going through, all the work you put in for yourself and others, and the strong person you must be to face these feelings day after day. 

Not a big fan of it myself, but there are online therapy options if you can't travel. Worth looking into if you think it would be beneficial for you.

Do you need to cover all the chores you are doing? Let something go uncleaned or a meal not made. You aren't the parent, they are. Between work and travel time, I'm out 11 hours a day. I've still had to come home and take care of normal adult responsibilites like preparing a meal. Plenty of people find a way to do that. Take a break from putting everything on your shoulders. No one can handle everything, and it's not helping you to take it all on yourself.

Set aside time for you. Do something that makes you feel better. It can be small. It doesn't have to be long. But make a point to regularly do things that recharge you and make you happy. Embrace your spirituality, read a book, take a walk, play a game, write, go to a movie, take a nap... whatever brings you joy and uplifts your spirit. We all moments to ourselves.

And if you just want to vent, go ahead. Sometimes just letting it all out is a huge relief.

Hope you can find a way to feel better.

 

[TeeDee]

18 hours ago, asena said:

My parents are very traditional and old school, they don‘t believe in mental health issues. 

So don't tell your parents.  Just talk to the counselor at school.  

[catfeeder]

21 hours ago, asena said:

That‘s a good idea! I think my mom knows what i do ...That‘s why her calling me lazy and saying things like "u can at least do (something that i do everyday) and not lay down all day“, always catches me off guard. 

This is exactly why I suggested using @TeeDee's plan to record what you do and discuss it with Mom. But don't just make a list--include the start and stop times as a record of the actual time you invest in these actions.

You can choose either: 1) a pro-active approach to prevent future confrontations from Mom about your time, OR, 2) keep a running record but hold onto it in the event your Mom makes another upsetting remark.

If you want to go pro-active, you can start the convo by saying, "I've been thinking about your remarks about me resting too much, because your perceptions matter to me. So I've been recording my activities to give you an idea of why 'lazy' is not accurate. Then you can present your lists to her.

However, this isn't going to resolve your anxiety about not attending classes and potentially failing those. Is this a recoverable problem that you can work out with your instructors, or will you need to inform your mother that you will not be passing this semester?

This is the reason I raised pursuing a counselor in your school. You've paid for these services, and a counselor may be able to help you negotiate your academic path forward.