Unhealthy Infatuation with an older man

[rainbowsandroses]

1 minute ago, meow2638 said:

Actually, he didn’t tell me. He lied about his age and said he was only 25. But I could tell that wasn’t true just because I thought his mannerisms were of someone that was older.. to confirm my suspicions without straight up accusing him of lying I asked what year he graduated school and the way he bounced around the question told me I was right that he lied. I guessed 29 and I could tell by the way he reacted that I was right, so that’s the only reason I know his age 

Wow okay!

Context!

Anyway, good riddance right?  

[MissCanuck]

OP, thank you for providing much-needed context. 

Be glad this guy is gone. He's not someone you want or need in your life. 

[yogacat]

39 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

^^Agree that would be extremely helpful. 

But even then, we are only hearing it from her frame, her own perceptions which could possibly be a bit skewed based on her young age, being inexperienced and how emotional she appears to be about this. 

Possibly.

I've certainly been guilty of that myself!

Jmo but that's what so hard sometimes about advising on forums like this or even giving a relevant opinion.

We are only hearing one side, the OP's side. Course they are the ones here so it's all we've got!

That's why context is so important!

Hopefully meow will return and provide that. 

 

Yes but usually when people come to the forum they are at their wits end so I hardly thought she would be posting if he went off the radar for 1-2 days. Anyway. My spidey sense from the first post was enough for me to confirm he's bad news. 🤪

[meow2638]

2 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

 

So why are you upset now?  Seems like you may have dudged a bullet. 

I guess it’s because it’s my first experience with a man, the first time I felt a romantic connection with somebody. I was always lonely as a teenager and never dated because I didn’t like anyone enough and refused to settle. This was the first time I felt an actual connection with a man, and I miss hugging/kissing talking to someone I feel an emotional connection with. It’s hard to go back to being lonely after feeling that

[rainbowsandroses]

Just now, yogacat said:

Yes but usually when people come to the forum they are at their wits end so I hardly thought she would be posting if he went off the radar for 1-2 days. Anyway. My spidey sense from the first post was enough for me to confirm he's bad news. 🤪

Good spidey sense!  😅

[rainbowsandroses]

8 minutes ago, meow2638 said:

I guess it’s because it’s my first experience with a man, the first time I felt a romantic connection with somebody. I was always lonely as a teenager and never dated because I didn’t like anyone enough and refused to settle. This was the first time I felt an actual connection with a man, and I miss hugging/kissing talking to someone I feel an emotional connection with. It’s hard to go back to being lonely after feeling that

^^Hey I hear ya, I've been there too and still, at times, struggle with that - with feeling lonely and have to be careful about connecting with the "wrong" person. 

Anyway, be proud you have boundaries and stuck to them!  

Like I said before time does heal and I speak from experience when saying that. 

Anyway, you did good @meow2638, wishing you the best! 💛

[yogacat]

16 minutes ago, meow2638 said:

I guess it’s because it’s my first experience with a man, the first time I felt a romantic connection with somebody. I was always lonely as a teenager and never dated because I didn’t like anyone enough and refused to settle. This was the first time I felt an actual connection with a man, and I miss hugging/kissing talking to someone I feel an emotional connection with. It’s hard to go back to being lonely after feeling that

Nothing to beat yourself up over. Lonliness can make us pretty vulnerable and the same goes for being young and inexperienced. But you kept your wits about you, you called him out on his stuff. Most experienced ladies would have let those faux-paus slide because they didn’t wanna rock the boat. So good for you! Whenever I am feeling lonely, I make sure 1st and foremost to remember this:

I am a complete person whether I am with a partner or not; I am not a half that needs someone else to complete me.

Once you have a healthy view of being alone then being lonely doesnt hurt so much. 🙂And you will go on to meet someone that is right for you – a good fit even though you are already a whole person on your own!

Huge hugs go out to you!

[SooSad33]

15 hours ago, ShySoul said:

Respectfully, you were the one who blocked him. He responded by apologizing. You then wanted to break up again because he didn't contact you when you wanted. He explained and you were okay with it. You were then upset by a date to a place you didn't like and said you wanted to break up again.

At each step you've been trying to pull away from him. He had already said he was nervous about making a full commitment. Perhaps he realized that if you were constantly trying to leave, it would be better for both of you to just let this go? 

I agree with this here.. so maybe red flag No 1?

You blocked him, he came around again.  Then you didn't like his approaches? And then you didn't like the last place he took you?

It just sounds like YOU are not too happy with him & his lies & deceit ( lying abt age etc).

Then maybe just have to chalk this up as a learning experience.  😉 

Give it time and work thru your emotions as you are.  You will come to feel an interest or connection with someone again.  After all you're just 18!  Nah, you don't need some shady guy who's now approaching 30.

We live & we learn, this is what life is about, and we move on,  This was your first, but he isn't for you.

Things will improve I'm sure 🙂 . Give it a few weeks or a month or so, things will come to feel okay again.

 

[itsallgrand]

2 hours ago, meow2638 said:

I made it clear I wasn’t going to have sex with him and undressing/ touching my breasts was a hard limit for me. He still did, and when I moved away he said sorry. He tried to do it again 10 minutes later and told me it’s no big deal. This is part of the reason I told him I didn’t wanna see him again

Yeah this confirms for me my suspicion he just goes around putting minimal effort in with young women to get physical and to get sex. Thank God he's as lazy as he is about it so you could get out quick before realizing what a douche he is.

Take the lessons moving forward of the red flags you overlooked and go on to have an amazing dating life. I'm sorry this was your first experience because he sucks. But there are good guys out there. 

[ShySoul]

16 hours ago, NighttimeNightmare said:

No, but most 18 year old girls don’t understand what it means to be sexually/romantically linked up to someone so much older. Out of curiosity, have you seen the follow-up study they’ve done on these young girls when they grew up? 

and the “questionable reasons” for someone so much older being with someone of such a young age is over represented.  

A lot depends on maturity, which age isn't always an indication of. I wouldn't recommend just any 18 year old girl be with an older person in general. Nor would I reccomend any 18 year old guy to be with an older woman. But if it's the right youngster that was able to handle it, I would encourage them to pursue what makes them happy. If it's not someone who can handle it, then clearly they should stay away.

Likewise if your the older party, realize where the person is at in life and be prepared to take your time or deal with specific things that may come up.

It's a combination of factors and comes down to the specific chemistry between the two. It can be damaging. It can be nice. Which could really be said about any relationship.

[ShySoul]

4 hours ago, meow2638 said:

I made it clear I wasn’t going to have sex with him and undressing/ touching my breasts was a hard limit for me. He still did, and when I moved away he said sorry. He tried to do it again 10 minutes later and told me it’s no big deal. This is part of the reason I told him I didn’t wanna see him again

Retract anything nice I tried to say about him.

That's crossing lines and not how you treat a woman. Second he tried to touch you without permission, he forfeited any right to be with you. Don't waste any time feeling sorry or crying over this guy. Between this and the lies, he was never the right guy for you. 

Part of you knew that. Which is why you were trying to pull away. In the future, trust you instinct. If a person shows you who they are, believe it. If you feel uncomfortable, then don't continue. No means no. So send the message loud and clear that the moment he does this kind of thing, it's a big NO to him for good.

4 hours ago, meow2638 said:

I guess it’s because it’s my first experience with a man, the first time I felt a romantic connection with somebody. I was always lonely as a teenager and never dated because I didn’t like anyone enough and refused to settle. This was the first time I felt an actual connection with a man, and I miss hugging/kissing talking to someone I feel an emotional connection with. It’s hard to go back to being lonely after feeling that

I was a lonely teenager who never dated. I never had a real connection to someone until I was 22. And that didn't end well, leaving me broken and devasted. I know how painful it feels, how empty that feeling of being alone can leave you. I'm sorry you feel that way.

You made the right decision though. He wasn't worthy of you. Staying would have been settling, and settling for something dangerous and unhealthy. There are better people out there, ones who will show you respect, listen to you, and not lie.

Don't feel bad about this. You sound like a smart, wonderful person who knows your worth. Don't settle. Live your life and be happy and complete just being you. You have all the time in the world for romance. Let it come when the time is right. And when it does, when it's with the right person, you'll know. It will feel right. 

You deserve something really special, because you are special.

[lostandhurt]

OP you handled the situation very well, in fact beyond your years in my opinion.  Many young women would have fallen for his tricks but you didn't.

As far as missing the good parts you enjoyed while with him and being lonely goes.  This is a trap all of us have fallen into sometime in our lives (many times for some of us) where we are lonely and miss the good parts and start forgetting or marginalizing the bad parts and before you know it you are back with them again.  He obviously wasn't the man you hoped he would be and like mentioned already you dodged a bullet as he would have broken your heart.

 There is a silver lining here though.  Now you know you can fall for someone, you can have those feelings and if it doesn't work out you will be just fine.  At your age and experience level maybe you should consider only dating guys no more than 4 to 5 years older than you.

  Feel good that you stuck to your guns and were true to yourself.

  There are good guys out there so don't give up.

Lost