Unhealthy Infatuation with an older man

[meow2638]

I am 18 and the man in question is 29. For context, i am very inexperienced with boys/men but this is the first time i felt a real romantic connection with someone. I met him a month before i turned 18, but he only found out my age a week before my birthday. He looks very young and in the beginning refused to tell me his age so I assumed he was in his early 20s or a teenager around my age. I ended up blocking him a week after talking because of him leaving me on read for an extended period of time, and he showed up at my work and apologized and wrote me a letter of apology. I was practically swooning reading this letter and convinced myself that hes the one for me. So i gave him another chance. Almost 3 weeks later he was doing it again, so i said i was no longer interested because his nonchalant act was getting on my nerves. He writes me a very long text explaining how he was busy. Whatever. On our first date he was a perfect gentleman in every way. On our second date we went to his apartment and while we didnt have sex, we went further than i usually do considering that I’m a virgin. Lot of time passed between our second and third date because I was busy/ out of the country. We did text during this time and he mentioned that he sees me as a big commitment and wants to know as much about me as possible before he fully commits. Our third date was 2 days ago and i was very put off by him taking me to a coffee shop that was small, crowded, loud, filled with college kids and every girl wearing the same outfit. I was pretty shy in there because i wasn’t comfortable and we didn’t talk much. After, we went to his apartment and did pretty much the same thing we did last time. Afterwards when he dropped me off I told him I wasn’t gonna see him again. He asked why and I said because I didn’t feel like he’d ever be serious with me. He asked what type of commitment would make me consider staying and I said to call me when I get home and we can talk about it. He never called me. I sent him a text saying “I take it you don’t wanna talk about it. That’s okay. Goodbye” and he replied “I do, but I don’t think it’ll change things. I like you a lot. Goodbye.” I have no idea what he even meant… he’s the one that asked me the question and now he doesn’t even wanna talk about it. I have no idea what to make of it or what he even meant. I’m probably never gonna speak to him again. This hurts so much. I thought he was different. I feel cheap and used. I feel rejected. I cry all the time. I don’t know how to cope. I keep thinking it’s because of something I did. Or because im not attractive enough. I just feel so lonely now.

[NighttimeNightmare]

57 minutes ago, meow2638 said:

am 18 and the man in question is 29. For context, i am very inexperienced with boys/men but this is the first time i felt a real romantic connection with someone. I met him a month before i turned 18, but he only found out my age a week before my birthday. He looks very young and in the beginning refused to tell me his age

🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
 

 

I am closer to his age than you are to his age. I would never touch an 18 year old with a 10ft pole.  This is UNSAFE for you. Please block him and never get involved with older men again. At least not until you’re maybe in your 30s, have a life, money, experience, a career. Etc. 
 

this man is a predator. 

[Cherylyn]

He did treat you cheap and he used you.  ☹️

Be with those within your age bracket and be with a very moral man who knows how to behave like a real gentleman and knows how to treat a lady.  Any other type of man is an automatic reject.  👎

[yogacat]

Ouchie.

Be weary of men much older than you at your age. They’re older and more experienced. He withheld telling you his age because he's a naughty little man, and obviously there's a reason for that, if you can understand what I'm trying to say here. 

You dodged a bullet.

It hurts. It hurts bad now. But if you had let this go further down the pipe before dumping him, it would have hurt more. Trust me. You see women on forums and offline talking about how they spent years and years with someone, just for it to blow up in their face. It takes some of these people having their self-esteem scrunched in a meat grinder again and again to stop thinking it’s anything that they did or it’s because they aren’t pretty enough.

Guy is way older than you, he dangled the “what type of commitment…” question in a feeble attempt to keep you around. Even when quizzed, he just wanted to get off the interactive merry go round and go back to watching tv in his underwear.

Toss this chicken bone off your wagon.

[ShySoul]

Respectfully, you were the one who blocked him. He responded by apologizing. You then wanted to break up again because he didn't contact you when you wanted. He explained and you were okay with it. You were then upset by a date to a place you didn't like and said you wanted to break up again.

At each step you've been trying to pull away from him. He had already said he was nervous about making a full commitment. Perhaps he realized that if you were constantly trying to leave, it would be better for both of you to just let this go? 

When you were intimate, did you feel pressured in any way? Did he make you feel you had to or should be doing something you didn't want to do? I'm trying to see if maybe that is why you feel used.

Also, not all older guys are bad guys. Maybe he didn't want to say his age because he was scared of what the reaction would be. A girl many years younger then me expressed an interest in me. We were just getting to know each other, nothing romantic. The moment I said my age she stopped contacting me and only spoke one more time to say she didn't think it was appropriate. I did nothing inappropriate and only wanted to get to know her. She was the one who initiated everything. Perhaps he was cautious of the same reaction? Or cautious of how it would appear to others who would judge him for it.

Likewise my brother in his mid to late 20s dated someone ten years younger then him. He was nothing but respectful. In fact, it ended when she cheated on him.

Don't judge a person on their age. Judge them by there character. Was he doing things that were disrespectful? Did he pressure you in any way? Those would be reasons to be upset with him.

Regardless, you don't seem to have ever felt comfortable with him. You wanted to leave multiple times. Now you have. Be happy about that. You are free to find something that will make you happier then he was. Hope you find it.

[yogacat]

53 minutes ago, ShySoul said:

Respectfully, you were the one who blocked him. He responded by apologizing. You then wanted to break up again because he didn't contact you when you wanted. He explained and you were okay with it. You were then upset by a date to a place you didn't like and said you wanted to break up again.

At each step you've been trying to pull away from him. He had already said he was nervous about making a full commitment. Perhaps he realized that if you were constantly trying to leave, it would be better for both of you to just let this go? 

When you were intimate, did you feel pressured in any way? Did he make you feel you had to or should be doing something you didn't want to do? I'm trying to see if maybe that is why you feel used.

Also, not all older guys are bad guys. Maybe he didn't want to say his age because he was scared of what the reaction would be. A girl many years younger then me expressed an interest in me. We were just getting to know each other, nothing romantic. The moment I said my age she stopped contacting me and only spoke one more time to say she didn't think it was appropriate. I did nothing inappropriate and only wanted to get to know her. She was the one who initiated everything. Perhaps he was cautious of the same reaction? Or cautious of how it would appear to others who would judge him for it.

Likewise my brother in his mid to late 20s dated someone ten years younger then him. He was nothing but respectful. In fact, it ended when she cheated on him.

Don't judge a person on their age. Judge them by there character. Was he doing things that were disrespectful? Did he pressure you in any way? Those would be reasons to be upset with him.

Regardless, you don't seem to have ever felt comfortable with him. You wanted to leave multiple times. Now you have. Be happy about that. You are free to find something that will make you happier then he was. Hope you find it.

I have always enjoyed your posts, however I sometimes find myself going, huh?

His reason for withholding his age, perhaps it was out of fear. However, in my opinion, it goes beyond that. 

If an adult is truly interested in someone younger, wouldn't they want to disclose their age and ensure that the younger person is comfortable with the age difference?

Whatever his reason was, it was suspect. He disappeared and left her on read for extended periods of time without any good reason. That's why she blocked him. *Which he replied by showing up at her at work*. Showering her with attention again only to pull another disappearing act. Hot and cold pattern of behaviour.

3 hours ago, meow2638 said:

I ended up blocking him a week after talking because of him leaving me on read for an extended period of time

So it's not a matter of judging people for their age in this case, it's more about judging people for their actions. And his actions were slithery. 

[lostandhurt]

Just because someone is older than you does not make them a predator, it makes them older, more experienced and yes able to manipulate you easier than someone with more experience.  This guy does sound like a creepster though...

 In your mind you built this into something it simply wasn't so of course when it ended you were very upset.  Don't beat yourself up over it because even us old folks fall into that trap still.

 So you learned a lot from all this I hope.  Talk of commitment so early when you didn't even know the guy, his reluctance to reveal his true age, you making excuse for his behavior so you could justify seeing him again, poor communication and going back to his place so early are all things that should be avoided.

 If someone is really excited to get to know you, the real you they will put in the effort not just enough to keep you interested until they can get you in bed.  Texting does not equal true communication or familiarity, it is just words on a screen that takes seconded to compose.  Getting to know someone face to face is still and always will be the best way to get to know them, see their true self and get a feel for who they really are by the way they treat you and others.

 I am sorry you ran into this jerk and he wasn't what you had hoped.  I will tell you a secret that I hope you take to heart.  Jerks come in all ages, shapes and sizes so keep your dreams and expectations in check until you really know them.  That could be 4 dates or it could be 15 dates as there is no time frame for these things.

Lost

PS   When he asked what "commitment" you  needed from him what he was really asking is "what do you need to hear from me so we can have sex"  He would have told you what ever you needed to hear to get what he wanted.  Please be more careful with your heart and body.

 

[ShySoul]

1 minute ago, yogacat said:

I enjoy your posts but sometimes I don't get them.

He withheld his age not because he was afraid, he went further than that. I mean if you're an adult and you're really interested in someone younger, hiding your age from teenagers instead of wanting the younger person to know and be okay with the details.

Whatever his reason was, it was suspect behaviour. It wasn't just withholding. He disappeared and left her on read for extended periods of time without any good reason. That's why she blocked him. *Which he replied by showing up at her at work*. Showering her with attention again only to pull another disappearing act. Hot and cold pattern of behaviour.

So no, it's not a matter of judging people for their age, it's more about judging people for their actions. And his actions were slithery.

I see different sides to things then most. Its a blessing and a curse. 😁 

I agree he should have said his age. But we really don't know why he did it. I just don't like assuming there was some ill intent to it unless there is more to go on. 

We also don't know how long the extended period of time was or why he did it. An all day meeting at work, doctors appointments, family emergency, jury duty.. There could be reasons a person is out of reach. This was only after a week and one date I believe, so maybe he didn't think it was as big a problem as she did. Yes, its poor communication. But whatever reason he has and whatever thing he said was good enough for her, enough to make her swoon.

And maybe he really is busy. Maybe he has commitments that means he can't focus on her. Then calling it off would be the best thing to do for her. It could be slithery or it could be considerate. No way to know for sure.

My preference is to not make either side into the bad guy or assume they did something horrible. The end result is the relationship didn't work out and wasn't making anyone happy. Both sides could have done things different or acted better. Chalk it up to not being the right fit and move onto something better. Trying to assign blame or fault is just going to cause you to relive it and stay stuck in a mindset of feeling bad. Instead, learn from it and be glad its over.

 

[NighttimeNightmare]

1 hour ago, ShySoul said:

Also, not all older guys are bad guy

No, but most 18 year old girls don’t understand what it means to be sexually/romantically linked up to someone so much older. Out of curiosity, have you seen the follow-up study they’ve done on these young girls when they grew up? 

 

and the “questionable reasons” for someone so much older being with someone of such a young age is over represented.  

[MissCanuck]

4 hours ago, meow2638 said:

he showed up at my work and apologized and wrote me a letter of apology.

You realize this is weird, right? 

How did this man even know where you worked at that point? (please, don't share this information with online strangers)  And writing a letter is a bit much for being blocked by a person he hadn't even gone out with yet. None of this looks good, nor does the fact that he refused to disclose his real age at first. 

4 hours ago, meow2638 said:

Afterwards when he dropped me off I told him I wasn’t gonna see him again.

However, when you tell someone this, you can't be surprised that he now isn't all that interested in you. I don't think he was any prize, to be very clear, but your behaviour was all over the place. Blocking, unblocking, telling him you weren't interested, waiting for his call...you needed to get clear on what you wanted here. 

4 hours ago, meow2638 said:

I feel cheap and used.

I get why this stings, but I don't totally agree with this. You consented to whatever iintimacy you engaged in with him, and he hadn't promised you anything. Do I think he used your naivety and inexperience to his advantage? Yes. Do I think you were used? Not really. It's a tough life lesson that we should never go along with something we are not comfortable with, without the commitment we are after.

Casual sex/sexual activity is not necessarily a bad thing if that is what you are after, but please don't assume that sexual activity means a man will commit to you either.  If you prefer commitment first, make sure your actions are consistent with that and don't get intimate beforehand. 

There will be other guys. This one started off with too many red flags so it was unlikely to have worked out. 

[Kwothe28]

I do realize that you are very young. But you need to discern what you want. You blocked him after he left you on read and that is fine. But then he showed up at your work(I cant tell you how much of a red flag that is) and apologized and gave you letter. So then you crushed on him? But the he proved to be inconsistent. But you still go in his apartment with him. So you dont want to see him again after? But then you are lamenting on why he hasnt called you? Girl, you said you didnt want to see him again, why should he call you at all?

My point is, its not just him who is inconsistent. Maybe its because of your age but you would have to sort that out before you go into serious relationship. Because you are also giving out double signals. This one isnt some prize, others are right about that. But next one maybe will be. And you will chase him out with your behavior.

[HeartGoesOn]

Since you're refusing to clearly say what you mean, and mean what you say, you're sending the message that he can treat you as he pleases, and your door is always open to welcome him back.

It appears this relationship has a short shelf life, and it would be helpful if your raised your value, along with viewing this in a different light.

[Tinydance]

OK, so first of all, an 18-year-old is a young person but legally is considered an adult. I think in most countries anyway. Understandably 11 years is a big age difference at that age. One person is a teenager and one person is nearly 30 years old. However I think from a legal perspective this guy wasn't a predator because he wasn't trying to date someone under age and it wasn't illegal.

I basically see both people as being not very mature and flakey. What I think of the guy's behaviour would depend on a few things which I don't have enough information about. For example, when you were at his apartment, was he forceful about "going further"? What exactly did you do as far as going further? Did you say you didn't want to do it? 

To be honest, I don't really see anything bad about the way this guy was behaving on the dates themselves. Unless he was being pushy or forceful about intimacy in some way. You said he was a perfect gentleman on the first date. It sounds like he actually was going on dates, like going out to a cafe. And afterwards going to his apartment. I don't really know what exactly you were doing at his apartment but if it was basically just making out then I don't think it was too out of the ordinary.

People can move at a different pace when dating. Some people might not even kiss someone on the first few dates but some feel comfortable to even have sex on the third date. You don't have to do anything you don't want to do. But maybe the guy didn't know you're a vigin and he thought it's fine to kiss etc. The other thing too is you came to his apartment which probably gave the idea that you actually wanted to be there. Again, I don't know if he actually pushed you to come to his apartment.

How long was he leaving you on read? Like more than a day? The thing is, after only one or two dates it's not a relationship. I don't think he was required to reply really fast or constantly. I think if someone takes a day or so to reply after one date, it's not that bad.

You actually blocked him and then said you never want to see him again. I mean why are you surprised he didn't call you? Why would he call you if you said it's over? Also what gave you the impression he wasn't serious? I mean you only had three dates so he couldn't really be serious about you after such a short time.

[Tinydance]

10 hours ago, yogacat said:

I have always enjoyed your posts, however I sometimes find myself going, huh?

His reason for withholding his age, perhaps it was out of fear. However, in my opinion, it goes beyond that. 

If an adult is truly interested in someone younger, wouldn't they want to disclose their age and ensure that the younger person is comfortable with the age difference?

Whatever his reason was, it was suspect. He disappeared and left her on read for extended periods of time without any good reason. That's why she blocked him. *Which he replied by showing up at her at work*. Showering her with attention again only to pull another disappearing act. Hot and cold pattern of behaviour.

So it's not a matter of judging people for their age in this case, it's more about judging people for their actions. And his actions were slithery. 

I think we need to actually know what an "extended period of time" is. Until we know I don't think we can say whether that period of time was long enough to warrant being blocked. And also how many times he left her on read. Like, once or many times? If I had been on only one date with a guy,  I'm not expecting him to text me constantly. If he's at work and he doesn't reply all day or something then that's for a good reason. 

OP actually said she has basically no experience with dating. Maybe she thought that the guy is meant to act super serious because she got really infatuated with him from the get go. In reality normal people don't actually become completely obsessed like this with someone immediately. So maybe he wasn't acting head over heels but how could he be after only one or two dates?

[rainbowsandroses]

1 hour ago, Tinydance said:

I think we need to actually know what an "extended period of time" is.

^^My question as well.

We don't know if it was 30 minutes, a day, two days whatever.  And I've actually known people who have blocked/dumped someone they were dating for not immediately responding.  Like within 30 minutes to an hour.

Referring to it on a message forum only as "I texted and he/she ignored me"!    Or in this case "he left me on read for an extended period."

It's an emotional response based on expectations not being met.  

Reading your post @meow2638 it appeared you had quite a few expectations, unrealistic IMO after only one or two dates.  And even before you had any dates! 

I also agree with @Tinydance and some others, you were all over the place, blocking, unblocking, etc. 

I don't know this guy but I won't be so quick to label him a "predator" or even creepy without more context.

Where do you work?   If it's a place like like Starbucks for example, it's not that out of the ordinary that he would show up to talk to you and give you the letter since YOU blocked him.

Re age, I'm not hung up on age so don't really have a response other than as @Tinydancesaid, at 18 your're an adult and so is he. 

In any event, I'm sorry you feel hurt by this. 

A cliché but time heals and you're learning. 

Heck I'm twice your age and still learning!  

All the best moving forward.

 

 

 

[yogacat]

1 hour ago, Tinydance said:

I think we need to actually know what an "extended period of time" is. Until we know I don't think we can say whether that period of time was long enough to warrant being blocked. And also how many times he left her on read. Like, once or many times? If I had been on only one date with a guy,  I'm not expecting him to text me constantly. If he's at work and he doesn't reply all day or something then that's for a good reason. 

OP actually said she has basically no experience with dating. Maybe she thought that the guy is meant to act super serious because she got really infatuated with him from the get go. In reality normal people don't actually become completely obsessed like this with someone immediately. So maybe he wasn't acting head over heels but how could he be after only one or two dates?

Refusing to tell someone so much younger your age only makes things more complicated and sends red flags. 

Honestly, this guy just had a lot of shady behavior. That's the main issue here, not the age difference. Sure, if he didn't reply for 1-2 days 1-2 times, she definitely didn't need to block him. But I get the feeling there's more to the story here and 1-2 days might be sugarcoating.

Maybe she'll come back and clarify.

I will say though that if OP thought he was being disingenuous, she could have said that she needs someone who's more consistent and communicative and then end it right there. So yeah, OP could have improved on this situation as well.

To me this feels like it wasn't so much the age difference that caused the breakup, but his hot and cold behavior. Tell me how you would honestly feel if someone just randomly showed up to your work without warning after you blocked them for disappearing? Especially if you don't know them that well? 

She gave him a second chance after he disappeared for what she makes seem like an extended period again. And then goes off the radar again? And she ends up asking what he meant by his actions. Why make it more complicated than it has to be? It's fair to assume that if someone disappears that he's no longer interested. Why even drag it on at that point?

Inexperience can only go so far. I would question not doing a little digging before agreeing to going to a guys house considering he was so hot and cold before. However, her inexperience makes me have less judgement for her and more for the guy in this situation. 

[rainbowsandroses]

39 minutes ago, yogacat said:

Maybe she'll come back and clarify.

^^Agree that would be extremely helpful. 

But even then, we are only hearing it from her frame, her own perceptions which could possibly be a bit skewed based on her young age, being inexperienced and how emotional she appears to be about this. 

Possibly.

I've certainly been guilty of that myself!

Jmo but that's what so hard sometimes about advising on forums like this or even giving a relevant opinion.

We are only hearing one side, the OP's side. Course they are the ones here so it's all we've got!

That's why context is so important!

Hopefully meow will return and provide that. 

 

[rainbowsandroses]

42 minutes ago, yogacat said:

Refusing to tell someone so much younger your age doesn't make you seem more serious or committed. It only makes things more complicated and sends red flags. 

Well, they only had two dates and he did tell her the truth within that timeframe regardless of the consequences.

And frankly and jmo but I don't think anyone is required to tell a stranger their age or any other personal information. 

They're both adults, that much was clear to both. 

He told her within one or two dates so I for one will not be so quick to negatively judge. 

P.S.  How I was raised it's rude to even ask a stranger (which he was "in the beginning") their age. We are both adults that's good enough for me.  

Once we begin dating, it's then we reveal age which he did.  And other personal info

At 18 years of age, she's not a fragile cupcake, she's an adult.  A young adult but still an adult. 

JMO

[meow2638]

13 hours ago, ShySoul said:

When you were intimate, did you feel pressured in any way? Did he make you feel you had to or should be doing something you didn't want to do? I'm trying to see if maybe that is why you feel used.

 

I made it clear I wasn’t going to have sex with him and undressing/ touching my breasts was a hard limit for me. He still did, and when I moved away he said sorry. He tried to do it again 10 minutes later and told me it’s no big deal. This is part of the reason I told him I didn’t wanna see him again

[MissCanuck]

Just now, meow2638 said:

I made it clear I wasn’t going to have sex with him and undressing/ touching my breasts was a hard limit for me. He still did, and when I moved away he said sorry. He tried to do it again 10 minutes later and told me it’s no big deal. This is part of the reason I told him I didn’t wanna see him again

And that's completely fair. 

So why are you upset now that he is gone? 

[rainbowsandroses]

2 minutes ago, meow2638 said:

I made it clear I wasn’t going to have sex with him and undressing/ touching my breasts was a hard limit for me. He still did, and when I moved away he said sorry. He tried to do it again 10 minutes later and told me it’s no big deal. This is part of the reason I told him I didn’t wanna see him again

Totally fair and thank you for that additional context! 

[meow2638]

29 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

^^Agree that would be extremely helpful. 

He would express interest and then not speak to me/ leave me on read for up to 2 weeks at a time. I told him I didn’t like this and he said something like “I am comfortable going x days without contact because I know the person I like likes me.” 

[rainbowsandroses]

7 minutes ago, meow2638 said:

would express interest and then not speak to me/ leave me on read for up to 2 weeks at a time. 

Thanks!  See all this^ makes a difference when posting on forums like this.... fyi for the future. 

So why are you upset now?  Seems like you may have dodged a bullet. 

[meow2638]

27 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

. 

They're both adults, that much was clear to both. 

He told her within one or two dates so I for one will not be so quick to negatively judge. 

 

Actually, he didn’t tell me. He lied about his age and said he was only 25. But I could tell that wasn’t true just because I thought his mannerisms were of someone that was older.. to confirm my suspicions without straight up accusing him of lying I asked what year he graduated school and the way he bounced around the question told me I was right that he lied. I guessed 29 and I could tell by the way he reacted that I was right, so that’s the only reason I know his age 

[yogacat]

He's a dud. NEXT!