Unable to get over being dumped after years.

[stburns]

Hi All

I have been unable to get over being dumped by someone. It happened a few years ago now, and I still can't get over that person. It is really strange, considering the time and the fact we only dated for 6 weeks.

A bit of background; I had a family member go through a severe miscarriage of justice that had affected me for +10 years. It affected me for so long as court/hearings were ongoing for that long. I was depressed, anxious and had no confidence in my 20's due to this and essentially didn't date about from 1 person. Things got better in my early 30's and I was doing well in my personal life and work, to the point where I started dating (the first time in my life I really started).

I met this woman at work.  We worked together in the same training job for 6 months and she was a couple of years below me training grade wise, but we were the same age.  I really liked her. I had no idea she liked me back until she asked me out the day she was leaving the job. I didn't ask her out myself, partly because of nerves, but also because I was going through a really bad and stressful time with the final hearing for my family member. However I jumped at the chance when she asked me out. Unfortunately, the stressful situation I was in affected me a lot during this time, and affected my time with her, and she told me after 6 weeks of dating she didn't feel a romantic connection. The hearing ended a couple of days later and I was relieved my family members situation was slightly better. A few months later she got back in touch after I held an online work meeting she attended, and came round to mine, but I it didn't fully occur to me she was interested in rekindling the relationship, and I just ended the meeting as if we were friends. I called her later to ask her out again but she declined. I had a very hard time moving on after that. It hurt so much that I decided to move abroad when an opportunity arose as I needed some way to force myself to get over her. I regretted so much not telling her what I was going through and how it may have affected my time with her. I went for the job abroad but decided to meet up with her before I went to tell her what was going on in the hope of getting closure. This was about a year after being dumped. She seemed happy to meet up, and we met for a friendly drink. I finally told her about what happened with me when we were seeing each other. She seemed surprised. She told me she was open to rekindling the relationship when she came round to mine after the work meeting (the time 3 months after I was dumped), but I didn't say anything and therefore she felt we were better as friends. We had a really nice time and chat. I left it at that, and felt like I got some closure, but she messaged me the next day saying how it was so nice to see me, and wished me a safe trip. I took this as an opportunity to rekindle things (bizarre since I was moving to the other side of the world) and sent a bit of a cringy message, trying to be funny and flirty, but she didn't reply (unsurprisingly). 

I returned from my year abroad around a year later. The year didn't go particularly well work wise and it meant I didn't get the job I aimed for back home, but it was ok. Its now been 3 years since our first date. I have been dating a lot since then and trying to meet people as much as possible. However I have never met anyone who made me feel the same way, or anyone who has interested me as much as her. I don't get loads of dates but have been on a decent amount. A few have shown lots of interest but I feel demoralised after not getting the same feeling as this person, and I have actually not met anyone I have looked forward to seeing/have been desperate to see again since them. 

I am not sure whats wrong with me. I just can't get over someone I dated so briefly. Its destroying my life. I always think about 'what ifs' and if things were easier in my personal life it may have worked. I am not in contact with her in anyway, and having therapy and have tried dating as much as possible but nothing it taking my mind off her. I am trying to do things that make me feel good, such as exercising and trying new hobbies but nothing is working. Complicating matters is the fact she had been working in the region I am working in (but not in my workplace), and is now doing much better than I am, and is more skilled than me. Not sure why, but that has demoralised me further. 

Has anyone had any experience with not getting over someone, even after many years have passed?

[Cherylyn]

Even though no one in their right mind enjoys feeling rejected,  I've since learned to change my way of thinking.  I consider it a blessing in disguise because anytime a person reveals their true character to you,  wasn't meant to be.  

You need to get mentally and physically healthy because you do it to survive.  The person who dumped you is very telling and she's not as important in your brain space as you'd like to think.  Be fair,  good and kind to yourself.  Why bother wanting to be with an unstable person anyway?  They would only drag you down and make your life stressful and who needs it?

I don't think friendship with her is a good idea because it will always be awkward and uncomfortable for you.  It's better to go NC (no contact),  block and delete her everywhere.

Create your new world for yourself.  Surround yourself with positive influences,  very moral people,  take good care of yourself,  work hard and have peace in your life.  It's an adjustment but you can do it. 

You ruminate after many years have passed because you're preoccupied and obsessed with her.  Get busy.  I've noticed that whenever you're very busy,  you'll no longer have brain space for people who are not as wonderful as you thought they were. 

Whenever a person doesn't qualify to be in your life,  it's meant to be for a reason. 

I've noticed the most content people deliberately maintain a normal,  stress free life minus angst.  People who are miserable often times associate with the wrong people and then it's downhill from there.  Not always but many times. 

Don't put some people on a pedestal because they truly do not deserve this special status in your life.  They're actually beneath you in quality.  Take a pass. 

Shop around.  Being very picky and choosy pays off. 

[ShySoul]

Honestly, I don't feel you do get over people in most circumstances. When someone gets in your heart, there is always a place there for them. There will always be a question of what if, the dream of what could have been. "Getting over" really means distracting yourself with other things until time can lessen the feelings of attachment. That time needed and the depth of that attachement will vary from person to person. And even seeing someone for six weeks can be a long enough time for them to dig a spot inside your heart.

There's someone I have loved for many years. Though time and life hasn't seen fit to put us together, I still care for her. And I'm fine knowing that I still care. If that is how I feel, it's how I feel. Likewise, if it's how you feel, then it's okay. We're all entitled to our feelings. So nothing is wrong with you.

Personally, I've found the way to deal with a situation is head on. You are trying to take your mind off her by dating, exercising, etc.. But it's not working. So maybe the right thing is to not avoid it or distract yourself. Maybe you should be talking to her instead? Maybe you need to talk to her to clarify for yourself how you feel. It's possible, assuming she is single, that you could give it a better chance now. Or maybe you'll meet and it won't be the vision of her you have in your head. Who knows? But you'll be confronting it for real and can better work things out for good.

It's what worked for me when I had my heart broken. Avoiding and not talking to her only made my mind wander more, made me question everything that had happened. It was only after talking to her months later that I could come to peace with things and not miss her like I had been.

 

[Andrina]

Sometimes when you are unhappy in the present, you look to the past to find it there. I once saw a meme that makes sense: Ring, ring, ring. Your past is calling. Don't answer. It has nothing new to say.

It's because the future hasn't arrived, and you can't picture the pretty and wonderful woman you will eventually meet.

What you think of as dating a decent amount hasn't been enough. Time to try a variety of activities to meet a larger amount of single women, since yes, it takes a lot of effort to find someone who you click with. 

I suggest dance lessons in Tango or Salsa or Swing dancing. Volunteering at a museum or zoo or theatre group. Art classes, cooking lessons, Meetup.com groups in your area. Book discussion groups, etc. You can Google what's going in the area and read any local newspapers for listings. 

This past lady isn't your person. The right one never leaves. Not even once. Redirect your mind every time you start thinking of her. Fate has someone else in store for you, so have faith what happened was for the best.

[ShySoul]

Change how you frame it. You were not ''dumped." There was no ill will or harsh feelings. You simply broke up as at the time you were not in the proper state to devote yourself to a relationship. Even if there had been bad feelings, you were able to come together later and clear things up. You have nothing to regret, nothing to feel bad about. This wasn't a missed opportunity that you should have been able to fix. It was a learning experience you had to go through. Take what you learned and use it to create a better relationship in the future.

One of my best friends had parents who did not get together initially. It was years later before they found there way to each other. His father never give up on the hope of being with the mother. At worked out in the end.

My father was with one woman when he was young. It didn't work out. Decades later, each having had other relationships and children, they met again and ended up married. 

Just because something doesn't work out at one time, doesn't mean it won't work out in the end. There's no guarantee of it, but it can happen. So follow your heart. If you still believe there is a chance, see if its possible. Our heart usually is trying to tell us something.

Sometimes we might be separated from the right one by time and space. But the right one does never leave... never leaves our heart. 

 

[shouldhavelearned]

It'll happen. Keep doing things you enjoy and at the time you least expect it, the one will be there.

[MissCanuck]

All this ruminating years later is concerning, OP. 

Have you ever been treated for anxiety or some sucht thing? I don't think this particular episode is the real issue, but a symptom of underlying problems. 

I am sorry you're feeling so down. 

[stburns]

Thanks all. 

In response to the last comment, I have been treated for anxiety and depression, and am having therapy (mainly for the events mentioned about my family member). That was actually improving a lot for around a year and a half before seeing the person briefly, and everything since then went downhill, but has only recently been particularly bad. I just don't think I have met anyone else who has still not got over someone they saw for 6 weeks after. The worrying thing is that I compare anyone I date to her and that stops me feeling any excitement towards seeing someone else. I am seeing people but nobody gets me anywhere near as excitement as when I was going to see her. This means it seems impossible to see anyone else long term if I continue to compare them with her, but I can't seem to stop. 

[Kwothe28]

Have you heard about "living in the past" effect? Its when we romanticize past, even though maybe that past isnt so great. And think that  past is better than anything we can get in the present. For example, in your case, you dated somebody, and even though it meant a lot to you, to her i doubt it made the dent. She broke up after 6 weeks which is something over a month. Very little time and she even said it didnt feel special to her. So there is nothing to ruminate about. But, as present isnt to your liking and you dont find anyone that special, you ruminate about that past. Which is, sorry, nothing to write home about. 

While nostalgia is not something out of the ordinary, nostalgia about something like this is. As it affects your ability to move on. You need to accept it didnt worked out. Not once, but several times as you tried to reconcile later down the line. So you could get excited for somebody who will be in your future. 

[MissCanuck]

24 minutes ago, stburns said:

I have been treated for anxiety and depression, and am having therapy (mainly for the events mentioned about my family member)

Have you spoken to this therapist about your struggles with this particular break-up? 

[SooSad33]

On 8/26/2024 at 3:09 PM, stburns said:

I returned from my year abroad around a year later. The year didn't go particularly well work wise and it meant I didn't get the job I aimed for back home, but it was ok. Its now been 3 years since our first date. I have been dating a lot since then and trying to meet people as much as possible. However I have never met anyone who made me feel the same way, or anyone who has interested me as much as her. I don't get loads of dates but have been on a decent amount. A few have shown lots of interest but I feel demoralised after not getting the same feeling as this person, and I have actually not met anyone I have looked forward to seeing/have been desperate to see again since them. 

I am not sure whats wrong with me. I just can't get over someone I dated so briefly. Its destroying my life. I always think about 'what ifs' and if things were easier in my personal life it may have worked. I am not in contact with her in anyway, and having therapy and have tried dating as much as possible but nothing it taking my mind off her. I am trying to do things that make me feel good, such as exercising and trying new hobbies but nothing is working. Complicating matters is the fact she had been working in the region I am working in (but not in my workplace), and is now doing much better than I am, and is more skilled than me. Not sure why, but that has demoralised me further. 

IMP, you're stuck ... right?

I feel you haven't worked thru this kind of 'grief' yet. Still stuck in maybe the 'denial' stage maybe?

How about NOT trying to date others with hope of that making you feel better & getting over her?  How about remaining single and just focus on YOU for a while.

If you look at your history, you went through a lot as it is, re: family matters.  That had also made an impact on you 😞 .

So, maybe its best to work on yourself and not trying to date. It just sounds like you're stuck in a rut and need to work through these things to get to feeling better and more yourself. - no matter where she worked or where she's at now at this time in her life.  Her life isn't yours 😉 .

 

[ShySoul]

3 hours ago, stburns said:

I just don't think I have met anyone else who has still not got over someone they saw for 6 weeks after. The worrying thing is that I compare anyone I date to her and that stops me feeling any excitement towards seeing someone else. I am seeing people but nobody gets me anywhere near as excitement as when I was going to see her.

Our hearts have a mind of it's own.

If no one else gives you the same feelings, then you simply haven't met the right person. It's not a problem with you. If your heart is still set on her, then it's going to stay that way no matter what you try to do. Every person is going to be wrong simply by virtue of not being her.

The more you try to fight your feelings, the stronger they will fight back. It will create a loop, a constant tug of war between your logical mind and your emotional heart. And you will be caught in the middle, never satisfied either way.

So cut the loop by not fighting it. Your heart has never worked itself out regarding her. If you want to stop feeling torn, it needs to address the issue. You do that by contacting her and seeing if anything is there so you can move on one way or another. Or you can just take a break from seeing anyone and let time do it's thing. It takes as long as it takes. Should someone come along that does make you feel something like that again, then you'll know you are ready to move on.

Don't feel bad or beat yourself up over this. Having feelings for someone is a natural thing, and holding onto those feelings is not a sign something is wrong with you. It means you have a heart that cares deeply and that someone was able to really touch and affect your life. Those are good things a lot of people don't get to experience.

 

[Batya33]

I think it's safer to compare who you meet to this person who you knew for a short term dating thing because then you don't have to be vulnerable to opening up again.  I don't think you actually want to be the right person to find the right person as you cloak yourself with the armor of The One Who Got Away.  I'm really glad you're getting therapy and I hope you've discussed this issue.