Sexual relationship with woman who has a boyfriend

[John Maser]

Hi everyone, I need some advice. I think I'm going to get scolded, and I think I deserve it. And sorry for my English, it's not my native language. I asked ChatGPT to translate this.

So, here's the situation: two weeks ago, a girl followed me on Instagram. I checked out her photos, and she seemed really beautiful to me. I immediately messaged her to find out how she ended up on my humble page.

We started a conversation that was going well. I decided to ask her out on a date. She read the invitation but didn’t reply. After waiting a few hours, I messaged her again, and here’s how the conversation went:

Me: I see you’re at a loss for words and your fingers are paralyzed by such an enticing and unexpected proposal. 😁

Her: Yeah, something like that, it was just so sudden and all at once.

Me: You talk like I just got down on one knee, offered you my hand, heart, and eternal devotion. Relax, I just asked you out on a date. It feels like I’m the first person to ever ask you out. I'm just a little straightforward and prefer face-to-face communication. I’m a pretty reasonable person in this regard.

Her: I just live with my boyfriend, and our relationship is really bad. If you like straightforwardness. 😄

So now I’m in a dilemma. As the saying goes, I want to, but it’s risky.

How do you like that kind of straightforwardness? 😄

I was a bit shocked by this turn of events, but I didn't end the conversation. She said that she and her boyfriend are constantly fighting, and she even sent me screenshots of their arguments. From those, it was clear that the guy is hysterical, always picking on minor things—he's an abuser. She mentioned that their fights got so bad that the neighbors had to call the police. 

I didn't understand why she didn't leave him. Her explanations didn't seem logical to me. We continued talking, and eventually, we started flirting. 

One thing led to another, and she agreed to come over to my place to drink some wine and smoke hookah. She hinted that she wanted more. She said she would tell her boyfriend that she was going to another city for work; she has a job where such an excuse could work.

The next day, I messaged her to confirm if everything was still on, but she didn't reply. Then she blocked me. After a while, she unblocked me and apologized, saying that it wouldn't work out because her boyfriend didn't believe her and caused a scene. 

We chatted a bit, and then I went to sleep. I thought that was the end of it, but the next day she messaged me again, saying she had another big fight with him, slammed the door, and asked if my offer was still on the table.

I picked her up and brought her to my place. We talked, drank wine, and she said that since her boyfriend keeps calling her a ***, maybe she should actually become one.Talked a bit more, then we started kissing, and I gave her a massage.

After that, we had some amazing sex twice. And in the morning, one more time. Then I drove her back home since she needed to get ready for work. 

We continued talking, and she came over again, and we had sex once more.

I'm not going to lie; I like this girl, but I'm not in love with her. We have a LOT in common. We both like the same things, have the same taste in computer games, fantasy books, the same taste in music, TV shows, and much more. And she's very beautiful, with a great body. She's the type of girl I've always dreamed of, if it weren't for this whole situation with her boyfriend. But she made it clear that she only wants a sexual relationship with me, and I'm okay with that; I wasn't looking for anything serious anyway.

I don't look bad myself. I go to the gym, have muscles and abs, and my entire Instagram is full of travel photos. 

So, what do I want? Well, I definitely want to keep sleeping with her. But I'm inexperienced in such relationships.

How should I communicate with this girl? How often? Should I text her and ask how her day was? Send her funny pictures I find on the internet?

Sometimes we chat for a long time, but I constantly worry that I'm distracting her and maybe being a bit annoying, even though she always responds—sometimes quickly, sometimes it takes a while.

I have this feeling that if she thinks I'm falling for her or becoming too clingy, she’ll end it. 

I don't want her to think that I want something more and then run away. As I said, I like her, but I don't want a relationship with her, and I don't want to take her away from her boyfriend either.

I'm not a greedy person, but since she wants to keep everything secret, there's no need to take her to different places, buy gifts, or flowers. I only spend money on gas to drive her to and from my place. I don't mind spending money, but the fact that I don't have to is a huge plus.
 

[MissCanuck]

26 minutes ago, John Maser said:

She's the type of girl I've always dreamed of, if it weren't for this whole situation with her boyfriend

But being a lying cheater is her reality. She's not a high-quality woman, dude. You need to raise your standards if this is your dream girl. 

Think about it: she randomly adds some guy on social media, almost immediately spills all her personal problems, says she just wants sex - does that really sound like a great catch to you? 

I almost guarantee this is going to fizzle out quickly, so be prepared for her to disappear again. Her boyfriend will catch on or she'll find a new guy online to hit up. Don't worry about how to keep her interested. It isn't going to last long anyway. 

 

[John Maser]

8 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

But being a lying cheater is her reality. She's not a high-quality woman, dude. You need to raise your standards if this is your dream girl. 

Think about it: she randomly adds some guy on social media, almost immediately spills all her personal problems, says she just wants sex - does that really sound like a great catch to you? 

I almost guarantee this is going to fizzle out quickly, so be prepared for her to disappear again. Her boyfriend will catch on or she'll find a new guy online to hit up. Don't worry about how to keep her interested. It isn't going to last long anyway. 

 

 

I meant that I’ve always dreamed of a girl with whom everything aligns perfectly in terms of hobbies and interests, and with her, it’s 100% like that. However, the fact that she has a boyfriend changes the situation, so I don’t want a serious relationship with her.

I just thought that if she wouldn’t sleep with me, she will definitely cheat on her boyfriend with someone else. So, it’s better if I’m happy. She told me that she’s been trying to find someone on the side for a long time, but it never worked out; something always went wrong. With me, she’s only followed through to the end. Maybe she’s lying, maybe not. It doesn’t really bother me.

But the sex with her is amazing, probably the best in my life. I’d like it to last longer.

[MissCanuck]

If all you're after is sex, let her steer this ship. 

Let her reach out when she wants. Don't bother engaging in funny memes or small talk otherwise. She kmows where to find you if she wants to keep this up. 

Always use condoms. Be careful about this supposedly crazy boyfriend of hers. You're going to have a huge problem on your hands if he tracks you down. 

[Coily]

So you enjoy playing with fire. Make sure you have some ice packs.

Look, here's the real dilemma: is this the kind of man you want to be? Do you want to be okay with table scraps of a relationship? Are you okay with being the guy that a woman decided to cheat with? Are you okay to be with a woman who lives two lives?

[itsallgrand]

You know the saying...don't stick your weiner in crazy. I would say she isn't exactly a balanced individual since she claims her boyfriend is abusive but lies and screws around behind his back. I mean, if you wake up one day with your wallet lifted or physical harm your way, you can't say you weren't warned. 

 

[John Maser]

15 minutes ago, Coily said:

So you enjoy playing with fire. Make sure you have some ice packs.

Look, here's the real dilemma: is this the kind of man you want to be? Do you want to be okay with table scraps of a relationship? Are you okay with being the guy that a woman decided to cheat with? Are you okay to be with a woman who lives two lives?

I don’t see a problem with it. As I said, if she wouldn’t sleep with me, she’d sleep with someone else, and she’d still be cheating on her boyfriend. So, it’s better that it’s with me. 

Besides, I wouldn’t say I feel sorry for that guy. If he were a good guy who treated her well, maybe I wouldn’t get involved with her sexually. She’s shown me the messages he sends her and their arguments. It’s clear abuse. It’s a mystery to me why she tolerates it; she probably doesn’t tell the whole story.

[Coily]

2 minutes ago, John Maser said:

I don’t see a problem with it. As I said, if she wouldn’t sleep with me, she’d sleep with someone else, and she’d still be cheating on her boyfriend. So, it’s better that it’s with me. 

Besides, I wouldn’t say I feel sorry for that guy. If he were a good guy who treated her well, maybe I wouldn’t get involved with her sexually. She’s shown me the messages he sends her and their arguments. It’s clear abuse. It’s a mystery to me why she tolerates it; she probably doesn’t tell the whole story.

If you don't see a problem, then enjoy the deceitful ride. Oh and get tested from time to time.

[MissCanuck]

6 minutes ago, John Maser said:

she probably doesn’t tell the whole story.

Gee, do ya think?

She surely sells you all kinds of BS about herself and him and their relationship. The price here could be quite steep if you wind up  catching something from her, getting her pregnant, or getting your face knocked sideways when he comes looking for you. 

I donìt mean to be unkind, but are you generally quite gullible? Lonely? Not having much luck with getting sex with decent women? 

[Kwothe28]

42 minutes ago, John Maser said:

It’s a mystery to me why she tolerates it

Maybe because she isnt any better and just shows you what she wants you to see. I mean, she is literally cheating on her boyfriend. Talk about twisted morals lol

Anyway, you are enjoying sex so good luck. Just dont fall for her or think she will leave boyfriend for you. Because she wont. Also good luck when boyfriend finds out or she even tells him if she wants to make him jealous. It will be real fun for you then as well. Not. 

[smackie9]

Her BF is gonna hunt you down. 

[John Maser]

3 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

Gee, do ya think?

She surely sells you all kinds of BS about herself and him and their relationship. The price here could be quite steep if you wind up  catching something from her, getting her pregnant, or getting your face knocked sideways when he comes looking for you. 

I donìt mean to be unkind, but are you generally quite gullible? Lonely? Not having much luck with getting sex with decent women? 

I recently got out of a long-term relationship, and I haven’t tried dating anyone since. But I’ve been going to nightclubs, and a couple of times, I left with a girl. 

I’m not looking for anything serious right now. In a couple of months, my friends and I are going on vacation, where we plan to party, go to events, and meet girls. After that, I might start looking for a decent girlfriend. 

This girl is a great fit for me right now, but since I’m inexperienced with this kind of relationship, I don’t want to annoy her with too much attention or make her think I see her as just a hookup and that I’m only interested in her for that. There’s probably some balance needed here.

[John Maser]

2 hours ago, Kwothe28 said:

Maybe because she isnt any better and just shows you what she wants you to see. I mean, she is literally cheating on her boyfriend. Talk about twisted morals lol

Anyway, you are enjoying sex so good luck. Just dont fall for her or think she will leave boyfriend for you. Because she wont. Also good luck when boyfriend finds out or she even tells him if she wants to make him jealous. It will be real fun for you then as well. Not. 

My cat likes her, which is probably a good sign. Usually, when someone unfamiliar comes over, she hides somewhere and shakes with fear, and even after they leave, she stays like that for several hours. She never got used to my grandmother, who visits often.

But with this girl, she comes out, purrs, lets her pet her, licks her hair, and plays with her.

But as I said, I’m not interested in a relationship, at least not until next year. According to her, her boyfriend doesn’t know how to fight, while I can hold my own—I used to do boxing. He just sits and plays video games all day.

[MissCanuck]

41 minutes ago, John Maser said:

I don’t want to annoy her with too much attention or make her think I see her as just a hookup and that I’m only interested in her for that.

Why not? That's all she is interested in you for, you realize.  I doubt she much cares how you see her, as long as she's getting what she wants out of the arrangement. 

40 minutes ago, John Maser said:

My cat likes her, which is probably a good sign.

It's essentially meaningless. 

40 minutes ago, John Maser said:

According to her, her boyfriend doesn’t know how to fight,

Is she 14? Why is this important to her? This is highschool nonsense. 

40 minutes ago, John Maser said:

He just sits and plays video games all day.

According to whom, her? You would be wise not to believe everything she says. One thing you know for sure is that this woman lies. A lot. You need to take much of what she says with a gigantic boulder of salt. And really, it's pretty rich that she critques him for stupid things when she's out fishing for attention and sex from online strangers. 

 

[NighttimeNightmare]

7 hours ago, John Maser said:

it was clear that the guy is hysterical, always picking on minor things—he's an abuser. She mentioned that their fights got so bad that the neighbors had to call the police. 

It’s funny how homewreckers always preface the story of their magical affair with this sort of justification. “Oh the bf is sooo bad and I’m the good guy!”
 

7 hours ago, John Maser said:

After that, we had some amazing sex twice. And in the morning, one more time. Then I drove her back home since she needed to get ready for work. 

So you use the stance that her bf is an “abuser” and that’s why it justifies you stepping in.. then you proceed to abuse her and her relationship?

you’re not a good or nice guy. Let me be clear: she’s an adult who made her decision to go along with this, she’s not a victim either.  But you’re here posting, not her, so I’m directing my comments towards you  

you took advantage of a lonely and needy woman in distress. Point blank period. Instead of being a friend and helping her sort out her problems in a healthy way, you made her life even more difficult as you took her hand and led her down a path of deceit. Traumatizing herself and her boyfriend. But he deserves it, right? /s 

However, I have a second suspicion. She may not be a “lonely and needy woman in distress.” She may be the type of woman who just loves to paint their partner as an abuser to get men to sleep with her, serially. I’ve known several women like this throughout my life. 

7 hours ago, John Maser said:

So, what do I want? Well, I definitely want to keep sleeping with her. But I'm inexperienced in such relationships

She’s a lying deceitful cheat. And you’re deceitful and selfish. You’re both gross no matter which way the story is flipped. And if you ever get with her she’ll cheat on you too. 

[NighttimeNightmare]

3 hours ago, smackie9 said:

Her BF is gonna hunt you down. 

Good. This dude has absolutely 0 morals. 
 

I personally think this girl is a professional victim who uses a story of “my bf is mean to me!” to justify her own sex addiction. But that’s beside the point

OP is trash and I’m not into living in a society where people more or less pardon those with lapse morals and never encourage people to be better 

every excuse he gives as to “why” he’s doing this can be cliff noted as “I’m trash. She’s trash. Her bfs trash. So I’m gonna just use her as a c*m dumpster because if I don’t do it someone else will”

Do you guys want to live in a society where this is how people treat eachother? I don’t. Raise your kids and send them off to school with mofos who operate like this?  Have your daughters subjected to men like this when really she needs professional help to figure out why she’s seeking out these sorts of connections? 
 

ya OP is gonna do what he’s gonna do.  Can’t change him. But if he comes back here saying he got beat to a pulp I’d say he forfeits his right to act victimized or shocked. You wanna play stupid games you’re gonna win a stupid prize.

[catfeeder]

6 hours ago, John Maser said:

I don’t see a problem with it.

Okay, then what are you asking from us?

[DarkCh0c0]

@John Maser, how old are you both? How long has she been with her bf?

[HeartGoesOn]

I'm baffled as to why one would go to this extent in order to score a roll in the sack.

OP, I hope you're not messing with us...

[rainbowsandroses]

1 hour ago, catfeeder said:

Okay, then what are you asking from us?

^^Yeah, wondering same.

OP, if you don't mind my asking, what's your question again? 

You seem to have it all figured out.

[ShySoul]

To clarify the question, you want a group of strangers online to advise you on the best way to carry out an affair so that she doesn't start to think it's anything more then just using each other for sex?

Don't be surprised when every comment indicates how wrong this is.

If you just want sex, then you do what you have already done. You set up a meeting. You have sex. Rinse and repeat. 

The mere fact that you are even asking though to me indicates that maybe you care more then you realize. You talk about all the things you have in common. You are worried about distracting her or annoying her. You are afraid of coming off clingy. If it's soley sex, why would you care? You'd let her know when you're free or in the mood. She'd reply when she's free. And it would just happen.

8 hours ago, John Maser said:

I just thought that if she wouldn’t sleep with me, she will definitely cheat on her boyfriend with someone else. So, it’s better if I’m happy. She told me that she’s been trying to find someone on the side for a long time, but it never worked out; something always went wrong

That's called justifying and rationalizing. It was going to be someone, so why not me? I'm perfectly fine with her cheating as long as I get sex from it. I'm perfectly fine her staying in what we both think is an abusive relationship, as long as I get sex from it. 

And a person who so freely admits to cheating isn't likely to be trusted. What's to say she won't just start cheating with someone else at the same time she is cheating with you?

No one here is going to end up happy with the situation. You'll get a few momentary thrills from the pleasure of the flesh, then end up just as alone as before. She'll continue to be in a relationship that she hates and end up just as alone as before. And he doesn't even see that he is being used by someone that doesn't care about him, leaving him alone without even knowing it.

Best case scenario for all is to end the arrangment, and for her to end the relationship. All should go there separate ways, though I doubt any of you will.

[ShySoul]

4 hours ago, John Maser said:

My cat likes her, which is probably a good sign.

As solid a foundation as I've ever heard.

She lies, cheats, stays in an abusive relationship, has planned multiple affairs and finally got one to work, has no problem using someone for sex.... 

But my cat likes her, so obviously she is a good person.

[NighttimeNightmare]

4 minutes ago, ShySoul said:

I'm perfectly fine her staying in what we both think is an abusive relationship, as long as I get sex from it. 

Mic drop. 

[rainbowsandroses]

3 minutes ago, ShySoul said:

As solid a foundation as I've ever heard.

She lies, cheats, stays in an abusive relationship, has planned multiple affairs and finally got one to work, has no problem using someone for sex.... 

But my cat likes her, so obviously she is a good person.

Laughing with you SS, not "at" you.  Just wanted to clarify. 

I mean it's not really funny, but the absurdity... 

Lord. 

[ShySoul]

32 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Laughing with you SS, not "at" you.  Just wanted to clarify. 

I mean it's not really funny, but the absurdity... 

No worries, that was the intent. I find it amusing to exaggerate the absurdity of what people say and do. And that was begging for some gallows humor.