So confused

[JustMizz]

Hey all, I used to be an active member here but got busy with life. Had lots of ups and downs, a marriage, a child and a divorce.

Divorced over 2 years now and in May I started dating a guy who I actually liked, which is hard to find. 

At first, he was more into it than me, which I was holding back wanting to get a feel for him. We became exclusive and I began to let my guard down. He was very good to me, chivalrous, sweet, and attentive. 

Once we became exclusive, texting slowed down a bit on his end. I figured we were just falling into the norm pattern. We spent time together when we could (live an hour a part). I spent 1 day with his kids and he spent 1 with my son. I have a key to his place. He's told me he was planning on spending his life with me (dating for marriage type thing, not love bombing type thing). Everything seemed great!

On Aug 13th, he had suggested when we buy a house together in the future, that we look at a town in between our current towns. He framed it as he was ready when his lease was up in January. I own my home and fought hard to keep it during my divorce. I'm not attached to the house, but I am attached to the security I have with owning it. I explained this to him and told him I wasn't quite ready to take that step. He said he understood, but his energy changed in that moment. 

2 days later, my son had planned major surgery (he's fine now). But I noticed my bf was very distant. He said he was very sick. But he was still working and even went to the movies that night, he told me he went. That Saturday he talked some in the morning but nothing more. I heard nothing from him Sunday. Monday morning I told him I didn't understand why I was barely hearing from him. I only did this because he knew I was dealing with my son's surgery and hospital stay and I felt he should have been more available for support (I didn't tell him all that).

2 hours later he text and said "I think we need to break up. I haven't been myself for a while and I'm not where I want to be. I need to work on myself". Totally out of the blue. I asked if it was because I wasn't ready to sell my house and he said it wasn't. 

I haven't heard anything else from him. I sent about 4 texts. One a bit passive aggressive saying (but you love me, lol). And then 2 asking him to talk to me. Then the last apologizing for my snarky text and told him I would no longer bother him and wished him well. That was last Wednesday.

I don't know what to make of this. Could it be he really wants to work on himself? He never mentioned any issues he was having. Or, could it have all been a game for him? Idk if he was genuine or not now. Though I really felt he was before all of this. 

I know it was a short relationship, but we are in our 40s. And he seemed so sure. 😫

[ShySoul]

It could have been a game, though I doubt it as he sounds sincere. Most likely he is being honest. Even though you've spent as much time together as you could, it still has only been five months and there is an hour distance. It's likely there were still things he didn't share or might have been going through. He's also got children and probably things to deal with their. Without anything else to go on, the easiest solution is probably correct and he's being honest. 

Why he did it isn't important though. What is important is how you react to it. It's okay to feel sad and hurt. Go ahead and get all the emotions out. But don't let it mess with you to much. You both handled things well and had some good times together. It can be a happy memory, no need to feel bad about it. Focus on taking time for you and when something else comes along, you'll enjoy it just as much.

Good luck.

[Kwothe28]

From may to august you jumpstarted from seeing each other to buying a property together? 

Yeah, no. That is way too much rushing. You dont even know him that well. Which proves by him just breaking up with you. In 3 months(or 12 weeks as one of our members says) you couldnt have get to know him that good. hence the confusion with him breaking up and what is going on. 

I know its hard for single moms out there. But dont try to jumpstart relationships like this. If he suggests something like buying a home together this fast, treat it like a red flag. Which it proved to be by the end. 

[JustMizz]

2 minutes ago, ShySoul said:

It could have been a game, though I doubt it as he sounds sincere. Most likely he is being honest. Even though you've spent as much time together as you could, it still has only been five months and there is an hour distance. It's likely there were still things he didn't share or might have been going through. He's also got children and probably things to deal with their. Without anything else to go on, the easiest solution is probably correct and he's being honest. 

Why he did it isn't important though. What is important is how you react to it. It's okay to feel sad and hurt. Go ahead and get all the emotions out. But don't let it mess with you to much. You both handled things well and had some good times together. It can be a happy memory, no need to feel bad about it. Focus on taking time for you and when something else comes along, you'll enjoy it just as much.

Good luck.

Thank you. I'm struggling with wanting him to realize he made a mistake and contact me. I guess that's normal. 😔

[JustMizz]

1 minute ago, Kwothe28 said:

From may to august you jumpstarted from seeing each other to buying a property together? 

Yeah, no. That is way too much rushing. You dont even know him that well. Which proves by him just breaking up with you. In 3 months(or 12 weeks as one of our members says) you couldnt have get to know him that good. hence the confusion with him breaking up and what is going on. 

I know its hard for single moms out there. But dont try to jumpstart relationships like this. If he suggests something like buying a home together this fast, treat it like a red flag. Which it proved to be by the end. 

I really think it was just us discussing things in a way to see how we could progress the relationship when we were ready. 

That's how I took it, aanyways. Maybe he was legit serious about doing it soon? I'm definitely not trying to rush into any huge decisions and I made that clear from the start. 

[ShySoul]

9 hours ago, JustMizz said:

Thank you. I'm struggling with wanting him to realize he made a mistake and contact me. I guess that's normal. 😔

As someone who takes things hard and can become an emotional wreck.... what you are feeling is perfectly normal. It may take some time, more time then you'll like, but you will be fine. If he doesn't contact you then you will be right. He would have made a mistake. That's his loss. You'll do just fine without him.

Brighter days will come. Just hang in there until they do.

[catfeeder]

Awfully quick to be discussing the sale of your biggest asset. That wasn't futuristic, you'd need to put in on the market fast for him to have a place to live by January. Then right after he doesn't get the answer he wants he suddenly needs to go work on himself? 

That wasn't just love-bombing, it was love-bombing with an agenda.

I'm sorry, and my heart goes out to you. You made the right choice, and you've dodged a bullet.

[MissCanuck]

I think this was too much, too soon. 

You've already loosely talked about selling your house, he has a key to your place, you've met each other's kids. That's an awful lot for someone you started dating 3 months ago. 

In my experience, things ignite that quickly also tend to burn out quickly. This seems to be one of those cases. Next time, I would pump the brakes even if the other person is the one wanting to move things along fast. It's worth slowing down and getting to know each other better. 

[NighttimeNightmare]

11 hours ago, JustMizz said:

in May I started dating a guy

May of 2024? Or a prior year? 
 

 

11 hours ago, JustMizz said:

On Aug 13th, he had suggested when we buy a house together in the future

Talking about home buying 90 days after you met??   That’s a no from me, dog. That’s some scary *** right there. 

[NighttimeNightmare]

10 hours ago, JustMizz said:

I really think it was just us discussing things in a way to see how we could progress the relationship when we were ready

No. It’s a really terrifying thing to bring up, whether he was suggesting buying NOW or in the future, it doesn’t change the fact that it’s incredibly inappropriate to be discussing 90 days in 

and this tidbit here makes it all the more concerning:

11 hours ago, JustMizz said:

He framed it as he was ready when his lease was up

I’m wondering if he has any assets/financial ability to secure homeownership on his own? Or was he just trying to ride your coat tails

regardless, I’d never put someone I care about in a position to lose their security. Why was he so eager to put you in that position? 
 

11 hours ago, JustMizz said:

I don't know what to make of this.

Hard to say because you haven’t known him long enough to pick up his true patterns. 90 days is nothing.  It’s stranger territory 

11 hours ago, JustMizz said:

Could it be he really wants to work on himself?

Maybe but I doubt it. One can work on themselves whilst in a relationship. For some reason the whole “I need to break up with you to work on myself” is a very common excuse.  Days later the person is dating someone new. It’s a common one. 
 
sorry but I’m seriously wondering if he is off to find some other homeowner to mooch off of. 
 

This is what you call a hobosexual 

[JustMizz]

9 hours ago, NighttimeNightmare said:

No. It’s a really terrifying thing to bring up, whether he was suggesting buying NOW or in the future, it doesn’t change the fact that it’s incredibly inappropriate to be discussing 90 days in 

and this tidbit here makes it all the more concerning:

I’m wondering if he has any assets/financial ability to secure homeownership on his own? Or was he just trying to ride your coat tails

regardless, I’d never put someone I care about in a position to lose their security. Why was he so eager to put you in that position? 
 

Hard to say because you haven’t known him long enough to pick up his true patterns. 90 days is nothing.  It’s stranger territory 

Maybe but I doubt it. One can work on themselves whilst in a relationship. For some reason the whole “I need to break up with you to work on myself” is a very common excuse.  Days later the person is dating someone new. It’s a common one. 
 
sorry but I’m seriously wondering if he is off to find some other homeowner to mooch off of. 
 

This is what you call a hobosexual 

It did really make me pause when he mentioned buying a house and moving in together. We had casually said "I'd like to live here" "we could live there", but just in simple conversation and teasingly, you know? 

I was having issues with my AC and he just says we should buy our house here and move in together, js. I asked if he meant was ready now or in the future and he said whenever I was ready. 

Idk, if I missed this about him, then that makes me frustrated with myself. 

About the kids, he ended up getting his kids on a weekend we planned to have together. I told him I'd stay home and let him have his time with his kids but he kept saying I was more than welcome. I even rode with him to pick them up and met his ex. That was less than a month ago. 

Ugh. Lol, I'm just going to retire and become a cat lady. 

[JustMizz]

10 hours ago, catfeeder said:

Awfully quick to be discussing the sale of your biggest asset. That wasn't futuristic, you'd need to put in on the market fast for him to have a place to live by January. Then right after he doesn't get the answer he wants he suddenly needs to go work on himself? 

That wasn't just love-bombing, it was love-bombing with an agenda.

I'm sorry, and my heart goes out to you. You made the right choice, and you've dodged a bullet.

It did set off my anxiety when he said it. But I have anxiety disorder so it's hard for me to know the difference I'm intuition and regular anxiety. 

[catfeeder]

16 minutes ago, JustMizz said:

It did set off my anxiety when he said it. But I have anxiety disorder so it's hard for me to know the difference I'm intuition and regular anxiety. 

I understand. Do some reading up on 'romance scams'. Even if he wasn't scamming, exactly, he certainly was in the market for someone to offer him a home to move into. That's probably the 'work' he's moved on to do right now.

Too much, too soon is a dealbreaker. That's someone trying to hide something.

[rainbowsandroses]

Wow, that's quite a coincidence don't you think @JustMizz?

After only three months dating, he suggests buying a house together which entailed you selling your beloved home (and obviously using the proceeds from the sale to purchase the new home).

You tell him you're not ready for what most would consider to be a huge monumental step, and immediately afterwards he goes cold and then breaks up with you?

Really?

I hate to be negative but to me he sounds like a complete scammer!

And you dodged a huge bullet by maintaining boundaries and saying no to his suggestion.

Lord, it's scary out there, geez!!!

I am sorry this happened, but be thankful you utilized good judgment and common sense!

JMO but good riddance!

[JustMizz]

18 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Wow, that's quite a coincidence don't you think @JustMizz?

After only three months dating, he suggests buying a house together which entailed you selling your beloved home (and obviously using the proceeds from the sale to purchase the new home).

You tell him you're not ready for what most would consider to be a huge monumental step, and immediately afterwards he goes cold and then breaks up with you?

Really?

I hate to be negative but to me he sounds like a complete scammer!

And you dodged a huge bullet by maintaining boundaries and saying no to his suggestion.

Lord, it's scary out there, geez!!!

I am sorry this happened, but be thankful you utilized good judgment and common sense!

JMO but good riddance!

Yes, I honestly didn't see it as him trying to use me or scam me, but now I can totally see that. 

He is a total fool if that is the case and he really thought I'd agree to do that so soon. He knew what my house means to me. 

 

[ShySoul]

Wouldn't call him a scammer or suspect he was looking to do anything suspicious when he's saying when we buy a house together in the future. Kind of implies he's willing to pay a portion himself. 

My guess would be more likely he actually got attached and was starting to make future plans, then realized she wasn't as invested. Combined with whatever may be going on in his own life, he felt like pulling back before he got any more involved.

Either way, he's not worth the time or thought. What's done is done. On to better.

6 hours ago, JustMizz said:

Lol, I'm just going to retire and become a cat lady. 

Watch out. Those cat ladies can be pretty attractive. That would probably attract some cat guys. 😉

[JustMizz]

2 minutes ago, ShySoul said:

Wouldn't call him a scammer or suspect he was looking to do anything suspicious when he's saying when we buy a house together in the future. Kind of implies he's willing to pay a portion himself. 

My guess would be more likely he actually got attached and was starting to make future plans, then realized she wasn't as invested. Combined with whatever may be going on in his own life, he felt like pulling back before he got any more involved.

Either way, he's not worth the time or thought. What's done is done. On to better.

Watch out. Those cat ladies can be pretty attractive. That would probably attract some cat guys. 😉

I had thought maybe he felt I wasn't as invested, but that's not true and he should have just talked to me about it. I just wasn't ready to sell my home that I worked so hard to get and felt we needed more time.

Also, do cat ladies actually have to have cats, or can I just call myself a cat lady and call it a day? Pets are a lot of work. 😅

 

[NighttimeNightmare]

1 hour ago, JustMizz said:

I had thought maybe he felt I wasn't as invested, but that's not true and he should have just talked to me about it. I just wasn't ready to sell my home that I worked so hard to get and felt we needed more time.

Regardless of the reasons why he felt you weren’t as invested (whether he was looking to mooch, or has a childlike understanding of adult relationships) it’s not normal or safe to ask this of someone so early on.  
 

the inquiry isn’t indicative of someone who is able to have a mutually safe relationship with you esp when he disappeared afterwards. Like you said, he could have talked to you about it and realized the error of his ways. But he dipped

[rainbowsandroses]

On 8/25/2024 at 12:08 PM, JustMizz said:

On Aug 13th, he had suggested when we buy a house together in the future, that we look at a town in between our current towns. He framed it as he was ready when his lease was up in January.

^^January is only 5 months away.  Sure it's the future - the immediate future. 

I stick to my original opinion @JustMizz, please just delete this person from your consciousness and life! 

There's nothing good there. 

I'm sorry. 😞

[JustMizz]

11 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

^^January is only 5 months away.  Sure it's the future - the immediate future. 

I stick to my original opinion @JustMizz, please just delete this person from your consciousness and life! 

There's nothing good there. 

I'm sorry. 😞

It's okay. Just another lesson learned. 

And thank you for pointing out that I maintained a boundary. I didn't realize that's what I did! I'm trying to become a reformed people pleaser, so this means I'm making progress. Lol

[ShySoul]

On 8/26/2024 at 3:29 PM, JustMizz said:

I had thought maybe he felt I wasn't as invested, but that's not true and he should have just talked to me about it. I just wasn't ready to sell my home that I worked so hard to get and felt we needed more time.

Also, do cat ladies actually have to have cats, or can I just call myself a cat lady and call it a day? Pets are a lot of work. 😅

Talking is a lost art for some people. It's amazing what you can resolve when you actually communicate. Instead things fall apart because people don't ask. 

You're doing fine. He's the one missing out.

Pets are too much work, so just call yourself a cat lady and be done with it. I just feed the squirrels in my area. Get all the cuteness and friendliness from them without all the extra responsibilites of having an actual pet.

[JustMizz]

1 hour ago, ShySoul said:

Talking is a lost art for some people. It's amazing what you can resolve when you actually communicate. Instead things fall apart because people don't ask. 

You're doing fine. He's the one missing out.

Pets are too much work, so just call yourself a cat lady and be done with it. I just feed the squirrels in my area. Get all the cuteness and friendliness from them without all the extra responsibilites of having an actual pet.

Seriously. I tried to get him to talk to me, but I will not beg him to. If this is what he wants, so be it. 

My trees are full of squirrels, so now I know what I'll be doing. Lol

[Batya33]

3 minutes ago, JustMizz said:

Seriously. I tried to get him to talk to me, but I will not beg him to. If this is what he wants, so be it. 

My trees are full of squirrels, so now I know what I'll be doing. Lol

Be careful about rabies and other issues with handling squirrels!  I'm sorry you're frustrated.

[yogacat]

25 minutes ago, JustMizz said:

Seriously. I tried to get him to talk to me, but I will not beg him to. If this is what he wants, so be it. 

My trees are full of squirrels, so now I know what I'll be doing. Lol

He was trying to fast forward the relationship and you were right to pump the breaks.

Wholly crap that’s some major love bomb I felt dizzy from reading that. If you really wanted to find out his intentions you could have said something like “maybe this would be something we want to explore at the 6 month mark”, that’s more sensible. He was not calibrated properly with you and you did the right thing to reel it in. 

If someone wants to be with you they wouldn’t just throw the relationship away like an old candy bar wrapper. They'd be able to step back and say, 'I’m sorry about that, I get it, it may be too soon but this is where I am.' Instead of making you feel like you're no longer wanted.  He basically said he was done and that’s all she wrote.

And then he ignores you. What a butthole.

[JustMizz]

2 minutes ago, yogacat said:

He was trying to fast forward the relationship and you were right to pump the breaks.

Wholly crap that’s some major love bomb I felt dizzy from reading that. If you really wanted to find out his intentions you could have said something like “maybe this would be something we want to explore at the 6 month mark”, that’s more sensible. He was not calibrated properly with you and you did the right thing to reel it in. 

If someone wants to be with you they wouldn’t just throw the relationship away like an old candy bar wrapper. They'd be able to step back and say, 'I’m sorry about that, I get it, it may be too soon but this is where I am.' Instead of making you feel like you're no longer wanted.  He basically said he was done and that’s all she wrote.

Yea, making me feel completely horrible. He said it was no rush, his lease wasn't up until January. That's when I said I wasn't quite ready, thinking he'd be like "I understand, we can come back to it in December".