Confused with my boyfriend

[Jeannette80]

17 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I'd avoid playing the victim.  It's not going to serve you for the future.  Focus on why you made the choices you did -you said he is needy, you said he "can't be alone" and now you're backpedaling and somehow you called him so he wouldn't be offended if you called someone else? That's new info.  Hmmmm. None of this will help you get over your suspicious and jaded attitude towards "men" and the more you cast aspersions on him the more you are showing yourself you might in other ways be extremely independent and in this case you chose to settle because you loved the excitement of him talking to other "girls" but choosing you, of showering you with attention and being all like "I'm your MAN" ((um except that I need you to be my blankie all day and text all day).  

Be honest with yourself. It will help you in the future.  JMHO.

So the problem is me? Him? Or both of us, we are not a good match? Im i expecting to much for example that he will be there  because she showered me with attention and promises ?

Should i take my time give space and relax and see how i feel and decide if i will end it?

Or take some space and then end it anyway? Is there any chance that things will improve if i relax , take it easy?  Dont know the right answer .

I feel that he didnt do anything wrong, like he didnt behave badly towards me or anything like that . 

Maybe from the beginning if i didnt expect too much and was relaxed i would be happy with him now? 

[Jeannette80]

And of course there are many details that i didnt write  because i didnt want to write every single thing that we said or did.

when we had a talk after we got back together i asked him " what are the good qualities in me that made u want to try again with  this relationship" U know what he replied ? He said " that u go my way" like im convenient 

He never said anything like " u are a nice person , u are funny" or something like that.

And it really hits me now that i go his way 

I know i should have known better since we have a past, and he was exactly like that in the past. Back then i thought he might be immature . For example back then he gave me a bag as a gift and he told me about the conversation he had with the female seller. He told her " i hope to see u again and not for buying another bag" And i said "so u flirted with the seller and u come and tell me? Why?" Or we went to a nice village for holidays and he said " maybe u will find a nice guy and live here " Back then those examples made me feel that either he is not clever enough, or immature or i dont know. 

I see now that ok maybe now  he doesnt say stupid things but this guy doesnt make me feel nice .

[MissCanuck]

28 minutes ago, Jeannette80 said:

i asked him " what are the good qualities in me that made u want to try again with  this relationship" U know what he replied ? He said " that u go my way" like im convenient 

I never would have gotten back together with someone who said that to me. 

Please, raise the bar for yourself and find someone who values you as a person. 

[Jeannette80]

U are right . I should have undestand only by this answer how he thinks and feels about me

 

[rainbowsandroses]

Where do things stand now? 

You said he was at yours last night (but appeared bored).

Did he stay the night?  Is he still there? 

[Jeannette80]

33 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Where do things stand now? 

You said he was at yours last night (but appeared bored).

Did he stay the night?  Is he still there? 

Yes he appeared bored like he was forced to be there . He was silent and then started talking about the problems with his son. He slept , i couldt sleep. He left in the morning and we spoke on the phone today .  

[yogacat]

Jeanette, his pattern is he comes on strong, is needy, etc., and then makes these dismissive statements. It's no wonder you're confused.

[rainbowsandroses]

4 hours ago, Jeannette80 said:

Why i stay and not leave? When he shows me a good site of him i love that. When he is cold and distant im confused .  I want the good site of him back so i stay in the relationship.

^^It's only been 2-3 weeks.  Stay long enough and you'll be more than confused, you'll feel literally crazy which I can see is happening already. 

I think for most well-balanced people, they would view this entire situation as a reason to leave, not stay.

Jeannette80 apologies if this has been asked and answered but are you in therapy?

3 hours ago, Jeannette80 said:

So the problem is me? Him? Or both of us, we are not a good match?

Yes it's you, it's him, it's the two of you together.

You don't mesh, your reactions to each other are out of harmony.

In short, he comes on strong, wanting to see you every day, telling you he'll 'be there for you' like a long time boyfriend or husband.

And instead of setting your own pace and boundaries which ultimately would be better for both of you anyway, you take his word as gospel and dive in head first, expecting him to treat you like a loving, caring long time boyfriend!

After which he feels pressured, suffocated, bored which you react to by becoming even more needy, lather rinse repeat!

It's a neverending toxic cycle which will never get better because the two of you together just don't mesh.

You have a choice here Jeannette80.  I agree with Batya once again, get away from seeing yourself as a victim (i.e HE confuses me, his behavior confuses me, it's HIS fault I feel so confused).

No it's your fault (if that's even the right word) for allowing yourself to be confused. 

Choose to not be confused.  Choose to end this nonsense and find a better man for YOU.

You gave it a shot, it's not working. 

I'm not quite sure what you're waiting for. You have all the information you need to make the right and best decision.

Choose to be happy, life is too damn short to do otherwise and your mental health is also at risk. 

Take care of YOU!

 

 

[Batya33]

Who cares who is at fault? Typically no one is.  Typically it's just a bad match and if it's this bad early on why waste another second -if you need space after 2-3 weeks take permanent "space."

[Jeannette80]

27 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Who cares who is at fault? Typically no one is.  Typically it's just a bad match and if it's this bad early on why waste another second -if you need space after 2-3 weeks take permanent "space."

Yeap, the situation with the cat, me going back to work after 2 months, and the situation with him. I have to take a few days, take some space , clear my head . And then i will decide , probably take permanent space yes . A few days apart i will see how i feel. If i feel better, my self again maybe i will realise that im better without him . I dont know how i will feel. Will i miss him? Dont know. 

The only thing i know is that i need my time to realise things and especially to clear my thoughts

Do you think i should tell him that i need time or space  or find excuses and not meet?

[Jeannette80]

Well guys, another day  has passed and this man that we live 15 minutes away from each other didnt mention about a meeting, to hang out maybe or something. He called , asked about my cat and thats it. 

I believe he is pulling away . And its ok

 Im pulling away also. As the hours and days go by i can see more clearly that i should have never tried again with this guy or i should haven taken  it slow. BUT if i took it slow i would wait  longer to realise that maybe we dont match. He is not for me, maybe im not for him. Its not about take things slow , we dont match  period. And i dont think that he was really into me. He likes me yes. He appreciates me for sure . But thats it. Nothing more . 

I never felt happy around him or comfortable. Our energy together was awkward. 

He avoids seeing me i avoiding seeing him . Now with the cat he calls and asks how is everything, he cares for me,  but im sure we will stop communicating at some point. 

Thank u all for the advice