Confused with my boyfriend

[Jeannette80]

Just now, rainbowsandroses said:

Did you forget this^.  

If me, I would not have troubled him about my sick cat, he is still grieving and possibly depressed.

Were you testing him to see if hecl would be there for you?

If so even subconsciously, your timing wasn't great.

No no no, that friend, was actually a son of a family friend. I wrote friend just to be short. He was ok few days ago so he is not grieving. Im not testing him . I just see that he hears on the phone im not well,my cat might die tonight . He knows that i love my cat and he doesnt show to care wnough to suggest something like to come over

[catfeeder]

35 minutes ago, Jeannette80 said:

Should i confront him about it? Im i over reacting?

'Confront' is a strong word. It puts people on the defensive, and it rarely turns out well.

I'd see how he behaves when he visits. If he treats you like a chore, there's your answer. If he's sweet and comforting, there's your answer.

[Jeannette80]

1 hour ago, catfeeder said:

'Confront' is a strong word. It puts people on the defensive, and it rarely turns out well.

I'd see how he behaves when he visits. If he treats you like a chore, there's your answer. If he's sweet and comforting, there's your answer.

He is here now. Not talking much. And he is on the phone. He said a few words but i feel that he doesnt want to be here. 

[MissCanuck]

Just now, Jeannette80 said:

 i feel that he doesnt want to be here. 

He probably doesn't. He told you before that he couldn't make it, so he's likely just obliging you rather than genuinely wanting to be there for you. 

[ShySoul]

Did he have other plans that he had to rearrange in order to make it? Anything that might have been important to him? Having to shift gears last minute can be distracting. As he is already someone who needs more space, it's possible he doesn't do well with quick changes like this.

On the plus side, he did come. He promised he would drop what he was doing and he did.

You don't need to confront him. Just talk to him. Ask him to put the phone down and talk. Say you just need comfort from him right now, a show of affection. Hopefully he'll respond.

[Batya33]

4 hours ago, Jeannette80 said:

He is here now. Not talking much. And he is on the phone. He said a few words but i feel that he doesnt want to be here. 

I thought you both agreed that emotional bonding will take time - you wrote that - and despite that you wanted to date and have sex with him.  So if he doesn't feel that close to you yet it's nice what he said about wanting to be there for you but then you're also ok with him not being bonded yet -or you to him - so he's supposed to act like he is -like a person who is very emotionally connected to you that he knows to come when your cat is sick because you need him to be there in person - but then you're also ok with him needing time for that?

[Jeannette80]

25 minutes ago, ShySoul said:

Did he have other plans that he had to rearrange in order to make it? Anything that might have been important to him? Having to shift gears last minute can be distracting. As he is already someone who needs more space, it's possible he doesn't do well with quick changes like this.

On the plus side, he did come. He promised he would drop what he was doing and he did.

You don't need to confront him. Just talk to him. Ask him to put the phone down and talk. Say you just need comfort from him right now, a show of affection. Hopefully he'll respond.

I did tell him my thoughts and he said that he was sorry and then he said " well, you also didnt tell me to come with you at vet!" like he was  complaining !And i said " i had to rush! the  cat was not well" i mean come on! What kind of response  is this. He seemed annoyed and i couldnt tell why. Annoyed because he realised his mistake ot because i told him my thoughts.

He didnt have anything else to do , he said he cant come because he wouldnt have a car ( he was supposed to drop the car in a place tonight and in the morning he would run with a friend a long distance and get to the place where the car is . He runs for hobby. But guess what !he managed to come to my place with his car after i said i dont want to be alone tonight. And even if he didnt have a car he could suggest for me to go to his place . Or something to show that he wants to see me anyway. We didnt meet for 2 days and he said he missed me. 

He was silent in general. And after a while he started talking about his own problems with his son ! 

[Jeannette80]

6 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I thought you both agreed that emotional bonding will take time - you wrote that - and despite that you wanted to date and have sex with him.  So if he doesn't feel that close to you yet it's nice what he said about wanting to be there for you but then you're also ok with him not being bonded yet -or you to him - so he's supposed to act like he is -like a person who is very emotionally connected to you that he knows to come when your cat is sick because you need him to be there in person - but then you're also ok with him needing time for that?

Bonding has nothing to do with this. Its about him not wanting / avoiding to see me tonight after he said he misses me and especially with the cat situation

[Batya33]

1 minute ago, Jeannette80 said:

Bonding has nothing to do with is. Its about him not wanting / avoiding to see me tonight after he said he misses me and especially with the cat situation

Oh but it does- if he hasn't yet emotionally bonded with you perhaps in his reality he wouldn't feel emotionally connected enough to offer to come over to comfort you in person and again he said he missed you but it doesn't mean he's going to react by rushing to see you.  I'm very emotionally connected to my dear friend and her cat is very very sick.  So sick that she was afraid to leave him this weekend to take her older son to college.  I don't need to get all the reasons why she's going through all this intense treatment of him to this extent or whether perhaps it might be best to euthanize as has been suggested -not by me- but we've been friends for close to 20 years and I feel very emotionally bonded so I know -almost instinctively -how to be there for her (we live hundreds of miles apart right now). 

But you can't have it both ways -saying you two have all these "fears" to "overcome" to grow emotionally bonded -and insist also you don't get overly attached through sex- and then after a couple weeks of dating he's supposed to rush to see you in person because that's what you want when your cat is  suffering -talking to you by phone or facetiming apparently isn't enough and that's fine but right now his role in your life is as a person who is not emotionally close to you yet and you very recently were fine with that and rationalized it as needing to overcome fears. 

Let him then grow into the role of emotionally bonded boyfriend who has overcome his fears whatever they may be and at that time sure it's more likely he'd want to be with you in person to comfort you when you are worried like this.

[Jeannette80]

You have to.know the whole background  to undestand how i feel. We havent met for 2 days . 2 days for him is a long time. A guy that told me that he will make time for me no matter what, that he needs to see me everyday even for 1 hour . A guy that Texts he missed me. I miss you hug , etc and then  he says its difficult to meet tonight , the situation with the cat happens and only when i said i cant be alone tonight then he said that he can come . 

[Jeannette80]

1 minute ago, Batya33 said:

Oh but it does- if he hasn't yet emotionally bonded with you perhaps in his reality he wouldn't feel emotionally connected enough to offer to come over to comfort you in person and again he said he missed you but it doesn't mean he's going to react by rushing to see you.  I'm very emotionally connected to my dear friend and her cat is very very sick.  So sick that she was afraid to leave him this weekend to take her older son to college.  I don't need to get all the reasons why she's going through all this intense treatment of him to this extent or whether perhaps it might be best to euthanize as has been suggested -not by me- but we've been friends for close to 20 years and I feel very emotionally bonded so I know -almost instinctively -how to be there for her (we live hundreds of miles apart right now). 

But you can't have it both ways -saying you two have all these "fears" to "overcome" to grow emotionally bonded -and insist also you don't get overly attached through sex- and then after a couple weeks of dating he's supposed to rush to see you in person because that's what you want when your cat is  suffering -talking to you by phone or facetiming apparently isn't enough and that's fine but right now his role in your life is as a person who is not emotionally close to you yet and you very recently were fine with that and rationalized it as needing to overcome fears. 

Let him then grow into the role of emotionally bonded boyfriend who has overcome his fears whatever they may be and at that time sure it's more likely he'd want to be with you in person to comfort you when you are worried like this.

Yes but as i said we were supposed to meet tonight anyway before that cat incident.  And please see what i wrote above . 

[Jeannette80]

And we live 15 minutes away from each other !

[Batya33]

12 minutes ago, Jeannette80 said:

I did tell him my thoughts and he said that he was sorry and then he said " well, you also didnt tell me to come with you at vet!" like he was  complaining !And i said " i had to rush! the  cat was not well" i mean come on! What kind of response  is this. He seemed annoyed and i couldnt tell why. Annoyed because he realised his mistake ot because i told him my thoughts.

He didnt have anything else to do , he said he cant come because he wouldnt have a car ( he was supposed to drop the car in a place tonight and in the morning he would run with a friend a long distance and get to the place where the car is . He runs for hobby. But guess what !he managed to come to my place with his car after i said i dont want to be alone tonight. And even if he didnt have a car he could suggest for me to go to his place . Or something to show that he wants to see me anyway. We didnt meet for 2 days and he said he missed me. 

He was silent in general. And after a while he started talking about his own problems with his son ! 

To me this comes across as very needy of a new boyfriend and for sure there are people who would drop everything whether early on or not -especially if he was a cat lover - and understand you shouldn't be alone at the vet or alone  - but he is just not that person.  Two days is a very very short time -most new couples see each other once or twice a week in the beginning.  He is not your serious boyfriend yet.  He is not your spouse.  Again there are men who would LOVE to be with a woman like you who needs them to drop everything and run over because your needs require a physical body there when you are anxious about your fur baby.  He is not that person.  He has shown you this. 

I think it's fine actually - people need to find their match.  I personally have had to do a lot on my own without my husband around as he travels a lot involving - emergency oral surgery (mine), suspected concussions/broken tooth twice (my sons -husband was away), horrible stomach bug while taking care of a toddler alone and dealing with my parents both being hospitalized 800 miles away while my son had that suspected concussion.  I did not insist my husband come home.  Again you and I are different people. 

I will tell you my husband is an extremely caring and giving person, husband, father was a loving son to his parents RIP and he happens to like how resilient I am a lot of the time, how he can be successful in his career which requires all this travel and crazy schedules because I am holding the fort down with our son.  Without needing him to drop everything and come or cancel plans because of life's crises. 

It's all relative for sure just in my humble opinion you're driving him away with your level of neediness and your demands on him and his time.  Yes despite him saying he missed you after not  seeing you for a couple of minutes I mean 2 days and not acting on it and not coming to the vet so you wouldn't have to go alone.  I hope you find someone who won't let you be alone when faced with worrisome situations like this and I hope your cat's health improves VERY SOON.

[Batya33]

10 minutes ago, Jeannette80 said:

You have to.know the whole background  to undestand how i feel. We havent met for 2 days . 2 days for him is a long time. A guy that told me that he will make time for me no matter what, that he needs to see me everyday even for 1 hour . A guy that Texts he missed me. I miss you hug , etc and then  he says its difficult to meet tonight , the situation with the cat happens and only when i said i cant be alone tonight then he said that he can come . 

Yes watch the feet not the lips.  You don't know him well enough to know if 2 days is a long time for him especially when he just suffered a loss.  You really want someone who "needs" to see you and needs to be in constant touch? Sounds like lots of need -and not a lot of want from a place of confidence.  That's why he got defensive - he "needs" his security blankey on his terms but when you need him to show up for you it's too much for him.

If you hadn't recently started dating him again you'd have been ok being alone right -maybe called a friend or a family member for support?

[Jeannette80]

1 minute ago, Batya33 said:

To me this comes across as very needy of a new boyfriend and for sure there are people who would drop everything whether early on or not -especially if he was a cat lover - and understand you shouldn't be alone at the vet or alone  - but he is just not that person.  Two days is a very very short time -most new couples see each other once or twice a week in the beginning.  He is not your serious boyfriend yet.  He is not your spouse.  Again there are men who would LOVE to be with a woman like you who needs them to drop everything and run over because your needs require a physical body there when you are anxious about your fur baby.  He is not that person.  He has shown you this. 

I think it's fine actually - people need to find their match.  I personally have had to do a lot on my own without my husband around as he travels a lot involving - emergency oral surgery (mine), suspected concussions/broken tooth twice (my sons -husband was away), horrible stomach bug while taking care of a toddler alone and dealing with my parents both being hospitalized 800 miles away while my son had that suspected concussion.  I did not insist my husband come home.  Again you and I are different people. 

I will tell you my husband is an extremely caring and giving person, husband, father was a loving son to his parents RIP and he happens to like how resilient I am a lot of the time, how he can be successful in his career which requires all this travel and crazy schedules because I am holding the fort down with our son.  Without needing him to drop everything and come or cancel plans because of life's crises. 

It's all relative for sure just in my humble opinion you're driving him away with your level of neediness and your demands on him and his time.  Yes despite him saying he missed you after not  seeing you for a couple of minutes I mean 2 days and not acting on it and not coming to the vet so you wouldn't have to go alone.  I hope you find someone who won't let you be alone when faced with worrisome situations like this and I hope your cat's health improves VERY SOON.

Thats why i wrote u need to know the backgroung. We meet almost everyday. He wants to. He was the one telling me that he needs to see me often. 

So for him its ok to be with him when he is not ok , but when i need him its ok not be with me ?

[Jeannette80]

1 minute ago, Batya33 said:

Yes watch the feet not the lips.  You don't know him well enough to know if 2 days is a long time for him especially when he just suffered a loss.  You really want someone who "needs" to see you and needs to be in constant touch? Sounds like lots of need -and not a lot of want from a place of confidence.  That's why he got defensive - he "needs" his security blankey on his terms but when you need him to show up for you it's too much for him.

If you hadn't recently started dating him again you'd have been ok being alone right -maybe called a friend or a family member for support?

I know 2 days is long! He told me so! Unless he is lying

[Jeannette80]

2 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Yes watch the feet not the lips.  You don't know him well enough to know if 2 days is a long time for him especially when he just suffered a loss.  You really want someone who "needs" to see you and needs to be in constant touch? Sounds like lots of need -and not a lot of want from a place of confidence.  That's why he got defensive - he "needs" his security blankey on his terms but when you need him to show up for you it's too much for him.

If you hadn't recently started dating him again you'd have been ok being alone right -maybe called a friend or a family member for support?

Exactly he got defensive ! And maybe yes he wants me to be there in his needs , but when i need him its difficult for him

[Batya33]

Just now, Jeannette80 said:

Thats why i wrote u need to know the backgroung. We meet almost everyday. He wants to. He was the one telling me that he needs to see me often. 

So for him its ok to be with him when he is not ok , but when i need him its ok not be with me ?

This is about score keeping and it's unhealthy.  Relationships don't work that way - not healthy ones.  You know him for a very brief time this time.  And he's not bonded to you and you were ok with that - the downside of that is no he's not going to instinctively want to put in the effort to come be with you -despite the sweet words -words are easy.  He has fears to overcome you  said -right? A fearful person is not going to act to your expectations if he gets scared of being close to you -which you were ok with.  

I cannot relate to your level of neediness in this situation -your new boyfriend should not have to come to a vet with you or offer-  whether he has time or not - perhaps he wanted alone time after his loss and after he saw you.  Again there are people who would go to the vet -I know of such people.  I can't relate to your keeping score, testing him, confronting him and again I am very sorry about your stress and worry and your fur baby!

[Jeannette80]

1 minute ago, Batya33 said:

This is about score keeping and it's unhealthy.  Relationships don't work that way - not healthy ones.  You know him for a very brief time this time.  And he's not bonded to you and you were ok with that - the downside of that is no he's not going to instinctively want to put in the effort to come be with you -despite the sweet words -words are easy.  He has fears to overcome you  said -right? A fearful person is not going to act to your expectations if he gets scared of being close to you -which you were ok with.  

I cannot relate to your level of neediness in this situation -your new boyfriend should not have to come to a vet with you or offer-  whether he has time or not - perhaps he wanted alone time after his loss and after he saw you.  Again there are people who would go to the vet -I know of such people.  I can't relate to your keeping score, testing him, confronting him and again I am very sorry about your stress and worry and your fur baby!

Yes but he said a few days ago that whenever i have a problem to call him and he will drop evrything and come. And he is nor grieving a loss. He was fine 2 days ago that we met, he was smiling and being happy 

[Batya33]

1 minute ago, Jeannette80 said:

Yes but he said a few days ago that whenever i have a problem to call him and he will drop evrything and come. And he is nor grieving a loss. He was fine 2 days ago that we met, he was smiling and being happy 

People can smile and grieve. Or feel ok at that time.  You don't know him well enough to know and yet you wanted him to read your mind and offer to come to the vet.  

I am not responding anymore because my opinion is you two are not a good match and I think you are better suited with someone who will actually drop everything for you if you say you don't want to be alone because you're stressed or worried and want to be in touch and see you constantly from the beginning. There are certainly typical downsides to that type of relationship but perhaps you'll be fine with those downsides.  He is not that person and you're already confronting/thinking he is lying/evaluating what he does with his free time etc so it aint gonna get better -know what I mean?

[Jeannette80]

34 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

People can smile and grieve. Or feel ok at that time.  You don't know him well enough to know and yet you wanted him to read your mind and offer to come to the vet.  

I am not responding anymore because my opinion is you two are not a good match and I think you are better suited with someone who will actually drop everything for you if you say you don't want to be alone because you're stressed or worried and want to be in touch and see you constantly from the beginning. There are certainly typical downsides to that type of relationship but perhaps you'll be fine with those downsides.  He is not that person and you're already confronting/thinking he is lying/evaluating what he does with his free time etc so it aint gonna get better -know what I mean?

I think u got it all wrong. I didnt want him to read my mind and offer to come to the vet with me He was the one that told me why i didnt call him to come to the vet and that i should . He complained in a defensive way! And he was the one telling me  a few days ago that if im not ok at sometime  he would come at anytime .

And he knows i was not well because he heard me crying over the phone about the cat. 

I asked him over the phone "are we seeing each other tonight" because we said we would . After all i didnt arrange anything else  tonight because i was supposed to see him . And then he said its difficult to meet etc . 

I dont think im needy. Basically he made me feel with his words that i can count on him that we are together as a team(his words) and not only he doesnt want to see me tonight although we said that we will meet , he comes at my place and talks about his own problems with his son! 

And he is not grieving! 

Its ok if you dont reply .

[rainbowsandroses]

@Jeannette80 chiming in to say I 100% agree with Batya, imo she doesn't have anything wrong, to the contrary she's got everything right in this situation.

Read my posts back on page 1, you are extremely needy, for all the reasons Batya mentioned so won't repeat. 

And if you don't lower your extremely high expectations, you will lose him, I can almost promise you that.

He's gonna feel boxed in by your expectations and neediness and suffocated which is what I originally suspected earlier in the thread and my opinion has not changed, it only confirms it. 

Please learn to be more flexible.  It doesn't matter what he told you, as Batya stated watch the feet (actions) not the lips (words).

Right now considering his bored dismissive attitude while at yours (actions), it's obvious at least to me he doesn't want to be there, he most likely felt pressured by you into coming with all your tears etc.

No offense I promise you as I'm truly trying to help you, but I was exhausted just reading about how you behaved, I cannot even imagine how HE must feel.

Yes he told you he'd "be there for you" blah blah, in one ear and out the other, not in a mean way just don't take him so literally. 

Not yet, it's only been two weeks!  Trust takes time! 

If this were me, when he told you he wasn't sure he could make it tonight, despite him saying earlier he'd be there for you whenever, I would have been cool about it and done my own thing. 

And from there continue observing his actions to determine if HE was the right man for me!  And if not move on, quietly. 

Jeanette, dial it back.  You are acting like this is a serious long term relationship and if you keep this up you will lose him imo.

That said, I also agree with Batya you are not a good match.  As I said on page 1, clearly he needs more "space" than you and doesn't know how to communicate that so agrees to see you and then acts like a ***.  Like now! 

Just move on, what a headache. All this because you haven't seen him in two days? 

Lord, I've gone two weeks sometimes not seeing a man I just started dating which is what this essentially is.  And it's been fine! 

I don't really care what he told you about two days being a long time or he'd be there for you, use common sense, again it's only been two weeks. 

My take is that he's a lousy communicator and says things to appease you and then acts bored/dismissive and ignores you like he doesn't want to be there. 

Ask him to leave!  

And go find a man who matches your needs and can give you want you want without all this back and forth and passive/aggressive nonsense. 

I'm sorry. 

JMO

 

 

 

 

 

[Jeannette80]

5 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

@Jeannette80 chiming in to say I 100% agree with Batya, imo she doesn't have anything wrong, to the contrary she's got everything right in this situation.

Read my posts back on page 1, you are extremely needy, for all the reasons Batya mentioned so won't repeat. 

And if you don't lower your extremely high expectations, you will lose him, I can almost promise you that.

He's gonna feel boxed in by your expectations and neediness and suffocated which is what I originally suspected and my opinion has not changed, it only confirms it. 

Please learn to be more flexible.  It doesn't matter what he told you, as Batya stated watch the feet (actions) not the lips (words).

Right now considering his bored dismissive attitude while at yours, it's obvious at least to me he doesn't want to be there, he most likely felt pressured by you into coming with all your tears etc.

No offense I promise you as I'm truly trying to help you, but I was exhausted just reading about how you behaved, I cannot even image how emotionally exhausted HE must feel.

Yes he told you he'd "be there for you" blah blah, in one ear and out the other, not in a mean way just don't take him so literally. 

It's only been two weeks!  

If this were me, when he told you he wasn't sure he could make it tonight, despite him saying earlier he'd be there for you whenever, I would have been cool about it and done my own thing. 

And from there continue observing his actions to determine if HE was the right man for me! 

Jeanette, dial it back.  You are acting like this is a serious long term relationship and if you keep this up you will lose him imo.

That said, I also agree with Batya you are not a good match.  As I said on page 1, clearly he needs more "space" than you and doesn't know how to communicate that so agrees to see you and then acts like a ***.  Like now! 

Just move on, what a headache. All this because you haven't seen him in two days?  Lord I've gone two weeks sometimes not seeing a man I just started dating which is what this essentially is. 

I don't really care what he told you about two days being a long time or he'd be there for you, use common sense, again it's only been two weeks. 

My take is that he's a lousy communicator and says things to appease you and then acts bored like he doesn't want to be there. 

Ask him to leave!  

And go find a man who matches your needs and can give you want you want without all this back and forth and passive/aggressive nonsense. 

I'm sorry. 

JMO

 

 

 

 

 

Im really confused .

Im not needy. Again , im telling you that this man he wants often communication during day , he wants to meet everyday . And im needy? If i dont call him or text for a few hours he will wonder where ive been. Whenever he is not ok he wants to see me, he needed me to be with me the day this person died , when he is not ok he wants to talk about his problems and im needy? The one time i wanted his presense he was playing hard to get? And is it ok to arrange to meet someone on Saturday night and last minute you say something like "i will not have a car" and then he shows up at your place with his car??

He is the one who is needy . Whenever he wants me im there . But apparently whenever i will need him he wont be by my side . He is the one who told me to call him and he ll be there . 

You guys are advising me without knowing the relationship and the talks i had with him and its ok. The only conclusion i can make is that his words dont match his actions . That he wants me there when he needs it , but he wont do the same for me. Maybe i am his security blanket. Jeannette will be there , she will come, she will do.

Its not about the cat , its about arranging and not meet ( left me hanging ) and not being there when i needed him. Again telling you that he said whenever i need him he ll be there . Obviously thats only words. If he never said anything like that i wouldnt mind that he couldnt come. 

[rainbowsandroses]

13 minutes ago, Jeannette80 said:

The only conclusion i can make is that his words dont match his actions . That he wants me there when he needs it , but he wont do the same for me. Maybe i am his security blanket. Jeannette will be there , she will come, she will do.

Okay go with this^!  I'm on board with that too!

Jeannette80, clearly you are unhappy, why do you continue dating him? 

It's only been a couple of weeks, it's way too early for all this drama. 

At this point it's on you girl.

Good luck. 

[Jeannette80]

10 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Okay go with this^!  I'm on board with that too!

Jeannette80, clearly you are unhappy, why do you continue dating him? 

It's only neen a couple of weeks, it's way too early for all this drama. 

Ar this point it's on you.

This is what i wonder myself

I feel uneasy at his presence. I feel that he is there , but not really there. 

I thought that maybe i should give time but after tonight i will surely need my space to think about the relationship and then decide what to do because now im upset with  the cat and felt disappointed by him. My emotions and stress about cat are really high. Im not thinking clear maybe . But clearly i dont feel safe, its feels something is wrong. Intuition maybe? 

This man says many words but his actions are different

 Its not only about the cat. For example he texted me many times that he missed me and wants to meet. And i dont arrange anything to see him on a Saturday night and he finds excuses  that he will not have a car( later turns out that he has a car). I have a car and we could go with my car. Or not go and watch a movie at home, or whatever. He clearly avoided and this doesnt match the "i miss u" text. Maybe something better came up for him tonight. See ? I dont feel safe with him.

And i know.u are going to say its 2 weeks( 3 by the way) but we had a history  together ,and he showered me with all the attention and words making me feel that he really wants this relationship to work etc. Thats my fault believing in him