Confused with my boyfriend

[Jeannette80]

9 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

It's about why he needs to be in constant contact and you shared it came from his insecurity. My future husband and I had nightly phone calls ranging from like 20 minutes to 45 minutes and caught up with each other, laughed, etc but I didn't need to hear from him for reassurance that he was into me and vice versa.  I felt like that one time when we were  dating about 6 months and he was out of touch for several hours when he should have been in touch.  It was really weird to feel so insecure.  Turns out I was wrong about why he was not in touch.  One time in 19 years of being back together. I didn't tell him to any real extent how I'd felt as he explained he had some last minute meetings.  We didn't text till after we were married -flip phones LOL.

Well, i dont mind the texting and calling because i need it also . Makes me feel that im in contact with my partner. It will feel weird if i dont hear from my partner all day. . 

Not because i am afraid that he will do something behind my back but i need to hear his voice and feel his presence somehow .

As long as everything else is ok i have no problem about texting and calling . 

[Batya33]

41 minutes ago, Jeannette80 said:

Well, i dont mind the texting and calling because i need it also . Makes me feel that im in contact with my partner. It will feel weird if i dont hear from my partner all day. . 

Not because i am afraid that he will do something behind my back but i need to hear his voice and feel his presence somehow .

As long as everything else is ok i have no problem about texting and calling . 

Perfect. You are comfortable with him needing reassurance through being in contact during the day. I won’t judge that at all.  That works for you. That’s great ! I would feel weird if someone needed to be in touch with me during the day for reassurance. I would feel suffocated having to be in touch to check in during the day unless for a specific reason. When we were dating we’d email during the day if there were funny or interesting things that came  up. We’d call during the day if needed. We checked in if needed for practical reasons.
i couldn’t be with someone who needed to be in contact as much a you describe in particular because I had a really intense more than full time and unpredictable career and dated men with similar lifestyle and career.
being  in that level of touch just to check in would not have worked with our careers. 
I loved catching up at the end of the day and saving up stories and stuff to share. I think for me missing each other is a good thing. Keeps the spark alive. 
You are a different person with a different approach to dating. You are comfortable with your approach. That is all that matters. It sounds like you are ok with his recent hot cold behavior to the extent you want to keep dating and having sex with him. All good ! 

[yogacat]

18 hours ago, Jeannette80 said:

It was 3 months not  4 months the duration  of the relationship 

Ok..what i mean by the "hot and cold". examples :  i want you passionetely and after 2 minutes i stop the foreplay like im bored or tired , or one  night we have a good  communication and there is a nice  energy between us  and today there is silence, no energy  ) . This behavior during the 2 weeks that we got back together happened only 1 day . But we have a past with this guy  and it freaked me out  because in the past  it happened often to the point i thought this guy has a problem, or doesnt know what he wants, of not really into me and spread insecirities in me. I mean i have insecurities on my own, but this man its like he made them worse .

It happened four years ago so often that it was a major deciding factor in you breaking up. It feels like you were given a glimpse of the past and that's what blindsided you off into panic so quickly because you're remembering and feeling like "see, this is him."

Hot and cold people seem to have this magical power to make you feel they are the centre of your universe when they are into you.  And then they get cold and distant and you wonder what happened to them; "I want that other guy back, how can I make sure that other guy comes back and stays around?"

Look, you haven't been back together for very long. I know you care about him and I don't have any desire whatsoever to hurt you but I honestly think you should slowly take your time to get to know him and take everything he says with a grain of salt as he has a history in trying to come back to you which is lovely and all that but it started all the "hot and cold" business, his wanting to get back together which gave promises and expectations of something better this time around.

I want to say I am hopeful but you're almost going to be on heightened alert over analyzing every little thing he says or do wondering if he was serious or not.

He was hot and cold with intercourse with you and I'm concerned about your feelings being unexpectedly hurt again in the same light which in turn will cause him to feel stressed, worried, etc., by you interpreting, being upset by or simply bringing up questions etc. 

We're all confused as to whether he was too tired, really wasn't into it, just wanted some affection, alone time or what. The real rub is your response, right? He became cold again and the night after. Just be careful and mindful of whether or not this is manageable, makes you happy and feeling secure with him this time around.

[Jeannette80]

3 hours ago, yogacat said:

It happened four years ago so often that it was a major deciding factor in you breaking up. It feels like you were given a glimpse of the past and that's what blindsided you off into panic so quickly because you're remembering and feeling like "see, this is him."

Hot and cold people seem to have this magical power to make you feel they are the centre of your universe when they are into you.  And then they get cold and distant and you wonder what happened to them; "I want that other guy back, how can I make sure that other guy comes back and stays around?"

Look, you haven't been back together for very long. I know you care about him and I don't have any desire whatsoever to hurt you but I honestly think you should slowly take your time to get to know him and take everything he says with a grain of salt as he has a history in trying to come back to you which is lovely and all that but it started all the "hot and cold" business, his wanting to get back together which gave promises and expectations of something better this time around.

I want to say I am hopeful but you're almost going to be on heightened alert over analyzing every little thing he says or do wondering if he was serious or not.

He was hot and cold with intercourse with you and I'm concerned about your feelings being unexpectedly hurt again in the same light which in turn will cause him to feel stressed, worried, etc., by you interpreting, being upset by or simply bringing up questions etc. 

We're all confused as to whether he was too tired, really wasn't into it, just wanted some affection, alone time or what. The real rub is your response, right? He became cold again and the night after. Just be careful and mindful of whether or not this is manageable, makes you happy and feeling secure with him this time around.

Its just that  before i make any decisions about him i have to be really sure.Because i cannot play with him, and break up and make up again .

Yes u are right. Because of the past i may try to find every little detail that will lead me to say "see, i was right, nothing has changed". But thats not fair. 

Time will tell i guess. We been dating for 2 weeks , its a very short time . What feels right its to give some time and a chance to see how he will make me feel in the next days , weeks . 

[Batya33]

4 hours ago, Jeannette80 said:

Its just that  before i make any decisions about him i have to be really sure.Because i cannot play with him, and break up and make up again .

Yes u are right. Because of the past i may try to find every little detail that will lead me to say "see, i was right, nothing has changed". But thats not fair. 

Time will tell i guess. We been dating for 2 weeks , its a very short time . What feels right its to give some time and a chance to see how he will make me feel in the next days , weeks . 

So then for sure that's what you should do -you know the risks and downsides of your choice.  He won't make you feel anything.  You have do decide if you react to how he treats you by feeling respected, cared for, secure.  He's not there to "make you feel".  Watch the feet -how he acts, not the lips -what he says. Or types.  Make sure his hot/cold doesn't make you feel excited about winning him over and "making him" be into you again after distance.  And use double protection since you're not sure if this relationship is going to to progress (or discuss what you two would do if you got pregnant -hopefully you have already!)

[yogacat]

10 hours ago, Jeannette80 said:

Its just that  before i make any decisions about him i have to be really sure.Because i cannot play with him, and break up and make up again .

Yes u are right. Because of the past i may try to find every little detail that will lead me to say "see, i was right, nothing has changed". But thats not fair. 

Time will tell i guess. We been dating for 2 weeks , its a very short time . What feels right its to give some time and a chance to see how he will make me feel in the next days , weeks . 

If he's as moody, temperamental or hot and cold as he seems and you can still communicate to avoid any prolonged "cold", you'll get a good idea of how he'll handle disagreements, etc. 

Saying I'm tired, sure, that happens and sometimes it really isn't about you per se. Being tired undercuts energy and enthusiasm for intimacy which would be a non-issue if he was clearly just trying to get a minute to relax. He initiates sex but doesn't get really into it when you are, you were a little confused by it, your most recent post said he was doing the same tonight so it just personally worries me a little.

He's also dismissive when saying that if you're now worried things might have gone back to the way they used to be he would rather you keep the ball in your court and end it. 

But you haven't even been back together for long.

My ex and I were separated for a year and randomly got back together after running into each other. I went into it not expectant of a relationship, just acceptant of whatever happened because I was enjoying his company and he was very consistent and persistent from the start.

I don't quite think it would have worked out if I had went into it feeling so fragile second guessing everything he did, said, checking for signs etc. You're almost putting yourself in a bad position for this to really work out.

You must not go into dating him again thinking each time he leaves you with the feeling of "where do I stand, does he really want to make this work, am I encouraging him more than he'll do?" This is the man who approached you so confidently a few weeks ago remember? He was back in your life, he wanted it.

But he's also saying "ask yourself where you stand with me", you don't have to just cope with that to still not seem to change anything but you can't expect for things to feel just right with him within such a short time frame of getting back together especially given his propensities for intensity and then dropping off.

This kind of dynamic almost puts you in a position of walking on egg shells 24-7 because any sudden, non-day to day change might wittingly/ unknowingly thrust you right back down the bottom of this emotional roller coaster he, or the two of you, has created. I am not implying he's doing so purposely but your investment in your feelings was understandably betrayed by playing roller coaster with them.

[rainbowsandroses]

On 8/25/2024 at 4:25 AM, Jeannette80 said:

Why u kiss me passionately, u initiate it [sex] and then u become cold? The answer was that he was tired .

^^Have you considered the possibility that the reason he suddenly stopped the sex/intimacy was because he was unable to maintain his erection? 

That's happened to boyfriends I've had at certain times, it's a form of ED and it has nothing to do with you. 

It's physical or it's mental (performance anxiety/stress) or a combo of both.  

I'm not a man but would imagine it's quite embarrassing, and/or he could feel shame about it as well.

Hence his moodiness and telling you he's "tired."

Just wondering if you've considered it because frankly after thinking more about that, that's what it sounds like, to me.   Or a strong possibility.

As far as other areas where he's hot/cold, I don't know but you did say in a previous thread he went cold one day in a two week period. 

Which may simply be him needing some lone time.

I have no idea just tossing out some possibilities other than he's some kind of 'nutcase' like I posted earlier after reading some other responses.

But the pulling back on sex suddenly does sound like he lost his erection due to ED and felt embarrassed and ashamed. 

JMO.

 

 

[ShySoul]

On 8/27/2024 at 1:17 AM, Jeannette80 said:

After all its not nuclear science. Either you feel good or not. Right now i dont feel bad or sad or confused, i feel like im testing , its too early to tell . Testing to see if he got over his mood swings .. I feel good but not great.  He is like a closed book that i slowly open

Jeannette, you're right. This isn't nuclear science. This doesn't have to be as complicated as it's being made out to be.

It's early days. You are still working things out. There will be ups and downs. There will be things that you both have to talk through and figure out what works best for the two of you. He will do things that make you unsure. You will do things that make him unsure. That's having a relationship. That's part of figuring out if this works and what you both really want. 

One moment is not a big deal. It's a bump to get through. If you don't feel bad/sad/confused, then don't stress yourself out over it. Enjoy what you currently have and let things happen naturally. If there is a problem, deal with it as it happens. If things don't feel right, you will know.

He seems to be putting in the effort and things seem to be going fine. So don't overthink it. Don't think there has to be a problem. Go with the flow and trust your feelings. If you feel things are okay, then keep going and see where this leads.

 

[Batya33]

6 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Have you considered the possibility that the reason he suddenly stopped the sex/intimacy was because he was unable to maintain his erection? 

That's happened to boyfriends I've had at certain times, it's a form of ED and it has nothing to do with you. 

It's physical or it's mental (performance anxiety/stress) or a combo of both.

Funny, this occurred to me as well and maybe since he doesn't know her well enough and has told her they're not bonded yet he didn't react in the most -mature way-to this awkward situation. Much easier to react/explain when you know your partner well I would think.  

[rainbowsandroses]

1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

Funny, this occurred to me as well and maybe since he doesn't know her well enough and has told her they're not bonded yet he didn't react in the most -mature way-to this awkward situation. Much easier to react/explain when you know your partner well I would think.  

^Yup I just googled ED, tons and tons of great articles from reputable medical websites.

ED (not getting an erection or not being able to maintain an erection or premature ejaculation) is quite common and can stem from many things including what was mentioned earlier about anxiety and stress.  But many other things too.

When it happens, men have admitted to feeling emasculated, shame, embarrassment among other negative emotions 

So they withdraw, act moody etc.

Just something to consider versus thinking he's an immature jerk who doesn't care about you. 

 

 

 

 

 

[yogacat]

48 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

^Yup I just googled ED, tons and tons of great articles from reputable medical websites.

ED (not getting an erection or not being able to maintain an erection or premature ejaculation) is quite common and can stem from many things including what was mentioned earlier about anxiety and stress.  But many other things too.

When it happens, men have admitted to feeling emasculated, shame, embarrassment among other negative emotions 

So they withdraw, act moody etc.

Just something to consider versus thinking he's an immature jerk who doesn't care about you. 

 

 

 

 

 

Okay. I don't want to get graphic, but I've experienced the opposite. I had a BF that had ED, and he wanted to do it ALL THE TIME. He wouldn't start and then not want to finish, he just finished early. And then he'd want to do it again. Like, every day, multiple times a day.

@Jeannette80is this the first time he's stopped things in the middle of sex after he initiates? It might be that he feels badly about it? Does he have ED? How was it when you were together four years ago, similar or is this new?

Of course, no two people are the same when it comes to sex so he might really be into it one min and suddenly unable to continue shortly thereafter. It might be that he felt badly, like @rainbowsandroses said. I know it's a very sensitive topic.

Not to dive too deeply into your sex life I'm just curious if anything's ever happened like this before. Can you give other examples of his moo dye-ness outside of the boudoir?

What we do know is that this is very early days and an on-off relationship.  I would not even expect to hear where things were headed because he's going to be all over the place till the honeymoon phase has completely passed. His temperament is something you'll need to accustom yourself with. I don't get the impression that there are really any unexpected changes just moments of burning bright and right after, the sizzle fizzles. 

I would actually agree that it's worth considering backing way off the sex and focus on some techniques for building intimacy and trust and also seeing if the sex he's provided is satisfactory for you. 

It would be stupid of him to invest into a relationship with you before he's certain regarding your compatibility and commitment to making it work. So, yeah, this is a good opportunity to get to know one another a little better. I get the feeling he's jamming in as much as you after 4 years separation but gets scrambled under some moments of pressure.

What do you think?

[ShySoul]

Sex is extremely mental. People's minds don't always follow the script we think they are supposed to. 

You might want to have sex. You might be really into the other person and everything is going fine. Then you get a thought or feeling that disrupts it. You can no longer be in that moment because of whatever else you have been going through or are experiencing in your life. Some fear or anxiety you have can rear it's head in and take over. Something that is said triggers a painful memory and takes you out of it. Something doesn't feel right physically. There could be a lot of reasons a person isn't able to continue that have nothing to do with how they feel about the other person.

We have this perception of how sex is supposed to go, based off fantasies and the artifically created film world. But the reality is that sex is a varied thing that differs for everyone, and from time to time for each couple. There can be things that happen in the midst of it that catch you by surprise or distract you. 

It's not about finishing or reaching a conclusion. It's not about rather or not it keeps going. It's about sharing yourselves with each other, appreciating the love that is there, and making sure each other feels safe, comfortable, and happy. 

 

[rainbowsandroses]

10 hours ago, yogacat said:

Okay. I don't want to get graphic, but I've experienced the opposite. I had a BF that had ED, and he wanted to do it ALL THE TIME. He wouldn't start and then not want to finish, he just finished early. And then he'd want to do it again. Like, every day, multiple times a day.

There is 'no one size fits all' re ED.   What you've described above is premature ejaculation, that's one symptom. 

Being all gung ho, hot and passionate (with full erection) but then suddenly losing that erection, being unable to maintain his erection is another. 

This can happen in the beginning, middle or towards the end.  It can happen one time, many times or all the time. 

And from the research I did yesterday about it because I was interested in learning, it's not that he "wants" to stop from lack of desire.

Physically (due to losing his erection) he wasn't capable of continuing, there's a difference.

And it can cause a man to feel emasculated, shame, embarrassment so they withdraw, act moody just like Jeannette80 's guy did.

That said, I am NOT saying this is definitely what happened.  Only a possibility.

But it does make sense, at least to me and if true could explain a lot of things re his behavior imo. 

[Jeannette80]

23 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

^^Have you considered the possibility that the reason he suddenly stopped the sex/intimacy was because he was unable to maintain his erection? 

That's happened to boyfriends I've had at certain times, it's a form of ED and it has nothing to do with you. 

It's physical or it's mental (performance anxiety/stress) or a combo of both.  

I'm not a man but would imagine it's quite embarrassing, and/or he could feel shame about it as well.

Hence his moodiness and telling you he's "tired."

Just wondering if you've considered it because frankly after thinking more about that, that's what it sounds like, to me.   Or a strong possibility.

As far as other areas where he's hot/cold, I don't know but you did say in a previous thread he went cold one day in a two week period. 

Which may simply be him needing some lone time.

I have no idea just tossing out some possibilities other than he's some kind of 'nutcase' like I posted earlier after reading some other responses.

But the pulling back on sex suddenly does sound like he lost his erection due to ED and felt embarrassed and ashamed. 

JMO.

 

 

The first time we had sex he had an erection and then lost it. He told me it has to do with stress and anxiety.  The next time everything was ok . And the other time he had an erection and lost it again . So i think it has to do with mental issues, stress and that combines with his personality 

 He is a divorced man, with 2 kids, lots of worries about them so i believe he has a lot on his mind 

 

[Jeannette80]

14 hours ago, yogacat said:

Okay. I don't want to get graphic, but I've experienced the opposite. I had a BF that had ED, and he wanted to do it ALL THE TIME. He wouldn't start and then not want to finish, he just finished early. And then he'd want to do it again. Like, every day, multiple times a day.

@Jeannette80is this the first time he's stopped things in the middle of sex after he initiates? It might be that he feels badly about it? Does he have ED? How was it when you were together four years ago, similar or is this new?

Of course, no two people are the same when it comes to sex so he might really be into it one min and suddenly unable to continue shortly thereafter. It might be that he felt badly, like @rainbowsandroses said. I know it's a very sensitive topic.

Not to dive too deeply into your sex life I'm just curious if anything's ever happened like this before. Can you give other examples of his moo dye-ness outside of the boudoir?

What we do know is that this is very early days and an on-off relationship.  I would not even expect to hear where things were headed because he's going to be all over the place till the honeymoon phase has completely passed. His temperament is something you'll need to accustom yourself with. I don't get the impression that there are really any unexpected changes just moments of burning bright and right after, the sizzle fizzles. 

I would actually agree that it's worth considering backing way off the sex and focus on some techniques for building intimacy and trust and also seeing if the sex he's provided is satisfactory for you. 

It would be stupid of him to invest into a relationship with you before he's certain regarding your compatibility and commitment to making it work. So, yeah, this is a good opportunity to get to know one another a little better. I get the feeling he's jamming in as much as you after 4 years separation but gets scrambled under some moments of pressure.

What do you think?

Well, sometimes in the past i remember that he couldnt maintain an erection but it wasnt often

In the present time after i posted my thread , actually why had sex and everything was ok. He maintained the erection and it felt right. I can feel that he has some insecurities and that he depends a lot on his mood . If he is not ok emotionally he cannot perform. Of course i asked him and he said that the first time we tried to have sex he couldnt because he had stress, anxiety performance . 

 

[yogacat]

8 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

There is 'no one size fits all' re ED.   What you've described above is premature ejaculation, that's one symptom. 

I agree.

My point being that for @Jeannette80, he is initiating from what it sounds like and then backing off so naturally she'll feel a bit confused and perplexed.

Is it a "lazy lover" type issue? Or does he really have one foot out the door?

When my ex experienced difficulty he didn't shut down, rather he made an effort to take his time and communicate. Of course, this was later in our relationship so I suppose OP and her guy are still easing in and it is unlikely he is going to communicate on a deeper level right now I would think.

So @Jeannette80, if it does bother you, you do deserve some understanding. Some other things that stuck out for me is him saying if you're not happy maybe you shouldn't continue and then telling you the balls in your court, which is still better I guess than not communicating or dragging it out. But, he's giving you and out with that statement. DO be weary of that. His behavior tells you he is wanting you but at the same time, he doesn't. 

If it's a pattern and it continues, he's going to remain a mystery no matter what you do. My ex was communicative, I agree, but he was also more mature and emotionally advanced to look at himself. Not that he didn't have his own issues but he primarily got into the habit of addressing his own sexuality and openness. 

Jennette, do you think his ED (if he has ED) would be eased if you both did more to make him comfortable? You've mentioned he's moody and hot and cold outside of the bedroom. Can you give any examples?

Just trying to get a bit more context here. In any event, it's been two weeks, such a short amount of time. You've dealt with his moody >looseish behavior before. A date or two won't shed light on this, in just a month you might catch him at a time where he's in a good mood for whatever reason that day and quicker to relax or open up.

[rainbowsandroses]

6 minutes ago, yogacat said:

Is it a "lazy lover" type issue? Or does he really have one foot out the door?

Well Jeanette has since posted explaining that he has communicated to her after suddenly losing his erection during, that it was an "anxiety performance" issue.

 

10 minutes ago, yogacat said:

When my ex experienced difficulty he didn't shut down, rather he made an effort to take his time and communicate.

In the research I did yesterday including testimonials from men who have experienced ED, some men posted at the time they felt shame and embarrassment and did shut down, albeit temporarily.

I'm speaking more about a man suddenly losing his erection during or unable to get an erection, not premature ejaculation.

My first serious boyfriend experienced PE occasionally too and while he was frustrated, we communicated about it. 

Anyway, now that Jeanette has explained, it makes much more sense, at least with respect to the sex issue. 

And to Jeanette I would encourage you to do your own research, Google is your friend here!  So you don't take it personally like it's a bad reflection on you or that he's "lazy."

And I'm glad you're keeping eyes and ears open for any other signs of moodiness where he withdraws or acts hot and cold away from the bedroom.

Good luck and keep us posted! 

 

[ShySoul]

5 hours ago, Jeannette80 said:

So i think it has to do with mental issues, stress and that combines with his personality 

 He is a divorced man, with 2 kids, lots of worries about them so i believe he has a lot on his mind 

It happens. Nothing to do with you. Neither of you should feel bad about it. It's actually common with men and in relationships. 

Try to make things as relaxed and calm as possible. Put the stresses aside when you are together. Don't force anything and just be happy being in the moment together. More you can let everything else go, less anxiety there is. And greater chance you can just get lost in each other.

And if there is an issue, communicate with each other. The talking about it can bring you closer and make the next time even more enjoyable. 

Hope things go smoother from here. Best of luck.

[Jeannette80]

Hey guys. Another thing happened

When we got back together he told me among other things that if anything happens to me , i should call him and he will drop everything and come.

A few days ago a family friend of him died and i told him , do you want to be alone or do you want me to be with you today that u are not feeling well . He said that he doesnt want to be alone so i rushed at this house .

Today my cat was really sick , i took him to the vet, he is in danger i was crying, still crying. Im really attached to my cat. I called him and told him the news . I said are we going to meet tonight( we were supposed to meet anyway) and he said i dont know if i will make it, then he said ok i can stop by for a while. Then i thought this guy told me that he would drop everything to come to me if something happens  When his friend died i was there . So i called him and said that i need him to come and i cant be alone tonight, im worried about my cat etc.

Now i feel frustrated that he didnt ask me from the beginning if i want him to come or not . I feel.that he didnt care enough. Im i right or wrong? Should i confront him about it? Im i over reacting?

[Batya33]

4 minutes ago, Jeannette80 said:

Hey guys. Another thing happened

When we got back together he told me among other things that if anything happens to me , i should call him and he will drop everything and come.

A few days ago a family friend of him died and i told him , do you want to be alone or do you want me to be with you today that u are not feeling well . He said that he doesnt want to be alone so i rushed at this house .

Today my cat was really sick , i took him to the vet, he is in danger i was crying, still crying. Im really attached to my cat. I called him and told him the news . I said are we going to meet tonight( we were supposed to meet anyway) and he said i dont know if i will make it, then he said ok i can stop by for a while. Then i thought this guy told me that he would drop everything to come to me if something happens  When his friend died i was there . So i called him and said that i need him to come and i cant be alone tonight, im worried about my cat etc.

Now i feel frustrated that he didnt ask me from the beginning if i want him to come or not . I feel.that he didnt care enough. Im i right or wrong? Should i confront him about it? Im i over reacting?

Watch the feet not the lips.  What the person does not what he says.  This is consistent with hot/cold.  He makes a grand statement about dropping everything no matter what if something happens to you (which you interpret to include your furbaby being sick -I'm really sorry about your furbaby!!) but when it actually happens he goes cold.  

I'm sorry about his loss.  Also it's not a keeping score thing.  Separately again watch what a person does more than what he says.  For example my husband hates to wake me up when I'm sleeping because I'm bad at sleep deprivation and get up really early.  But I told him -if you have a headache or need me -wake me up please it's totally fine I will be there.  I know he likely won't but I mean it.  So the other night when I woke up and realized he wasn't feeling well middle of night I sat with him and until he fell asleep again.  We have to show people we mean what we say especially when it involves putting ourselves out there to take care of someone.  He has shown you he doesn't mean what he says. 

[Jeannette80]

5 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Watch the feet not the lips.  What the person does not what he says.  This is consistent with hot/cold.  He makes a grand statement about dropping everything no matter what if something happens to you (which you interpret to include your furbaby being sick -I'm really sorry about your furbaby!!) but when it actually happens he goes cold.  

I'm sorry about his loss.  Also it's not a keeping score thing.  Separately again watch what a person does more than what he says.  For example my husband hates to wake me up when I'm sleeping because I'm bad at sleep deprivation and get up really early.  But I told him -if you have a headache or need me -wake me up please it's totally fine I will be there.  I know he likely won't but I mean it.  So the other night when I woke up and realized he wasn't feeling well middle of night I sat with him and until he fell asleep again.  We have to show people we mean what we say especially when it involves putting ourselves out there to take care of someone.  He has shown you he doesn't mean what he says. 

My cat didnt die. He is innthe clinic but is in danger . His situation is not well.

Point is i expected my partner to say something like " do u want me to come, i will be there if you are not feeling well" and what he said its that its difficult tonight. Then he called and said i will come for a while . And then i told him i need you ro come and stay. 

I mean if i confront him i believe he will find excuses . Should i start a conversation about it ? I mean we were supposed to meet anyway  

[Batya33]

Just now, Jeannette80 said:

My cat didnt die. He is innthe clinic but is in danger . His situation is not well.

Point is i expected my partner to say something like " do u want me to come, i will be there if you are not feeling well" and what he said its that its difficult tonight. Then he called and said i will come for a while . And then i told him i need you ro come and stay. 

I mean if i confront him i believe he will find excuses . Should i start a conversation about it ? 

I wrote above I was sorry your cat was sick and knew he hadn't passed.  I'm really sorry he is unwell.

I wouldn't bother with confrontation- this is a new relationship and you didn't date for long last time.  You can say if you feel like it using I statements "I felt uncared for when you didn't ask if I needed anything when I told you my cat was really sick and I was really worried."  

Also I wouldn't demand that a new boyfriend come and stay because your cat is very sick.  Seems like early days for that.  Do you have friends who could talk by phone or come over maybe? 

And expectations like a script of what you expect your partner to say in a particular situation can create unnecessary problems. You do not trust this person to mean what he says and say what he means.  And therefore you were testing him in a way to see if he'd make good on his words that he would be there in a flash if you ever needed anything -am I right?

[Jeannette80]

5 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I wrote above I was sorry your cat was sick and knew he hadn't passed.  I'm really sorry he is unwell.

I wouldn't bother with confrontation- this is a new relationship and you didn't date for long last time.  You can say if you feel like it using I statements "I felt uncared for when you didn't ask if I needed anything when I told you my cat was really sick and I was really worried."  

Also I wouldn't demand that a new boyfriend come and stay because your cat is very sick.  Seems like early days for that.  Do you have friends who could talk by phone or come over maybe? 

And expectations like a script of what you expect your partner to say in a particular situation can create unnecessary problems. You do not trust this person to mean what he says and say what he means.  And therefore you were testing him in a way to see if he'd make good on his words that he would be there in a flash if you ever needed anything -am I right?

When his friend died he wanted me to stay in his place and i did.  he knew  i was upset about me cat . He should be more caring , its not about what he will say or not . Its how he responded to my sorrow, my worries . 

I dont know if im over reacting.

Its a combination with the situation of the cat and the fact that we didnt meet the previous days and said he missed me and when i needed him he didnt care enough. I mean u miss me and find it difficult to meet me , and i feel worried and u are not there unless i tell you that i need you to be here? Its like  he is doing me a favor . He will come but i told him to .

 

[MissCanuck]

1 minute ago, Jeannette80 said:

He should be more caring , its not about what he will say or not . Its how he responded to my sorrow, my worries . 

Let him show you who he is. 

Drop the "should." There is no "should" about these things, frustrating as that feels. He is who is. You are who are. He's responding in a way that feels natural to him, and you are asking for what feels natural for you.  There is a disconnect here. 

It's up to you whether you want to continue with someone who does not match your expectations. 

[rainbowsandroses]

28 minutes ago, Jeannette80 said:

A few days ago a family friend of him died...

Did you forget this^.  

If me, I would not have troubled him about my sick cat, he is still grieving and possibly depressed.

Were you testing him to see if he would be there for you?

If so even subconsciously, your timing wasn't great.