Confused with my boyfriend

[MissCanuck]

2 hours ago, yogacat said:

 

Same guy OP?

Yikes. 

OP, if this is the same man, you are willfully ignoring red flags and you know this is going to spell trouble for you. So have at it, if you wish, but you really should demand better for yourself 

If it's not the same man, well, your picker is broken, sis. 

[Jeannette80]

Yoga cat, no thats not the same guy. 

Well guys, since i posted this thread we met again. Things were ok . We talked a lot , ate together and yes we had sex which was normal. No hot and cold behavior 😛  it was passionate i must say.

Someone wrote that maybe he is not that into me. Of course that crossed my mind also. But can u really tell by that one time that he initiated the foreplay and then stopped?   The other times was ok, normal behavior . 

Most imporant is that he reaches out during  the day, shows interest, remembers the things i tell him , he wants to spend time together, shows affection , wants to hug  etc . I cant know  how he feels now , its too early. We both agreed during our conversation that we dont feel that comfortable yet with each other and that we want to create a bond but it will take time .

When we broke up 4 years ago he didnt give up that easily. He tried for a month to convince me that we should be together again. 

The hot and cold behavior ( in sex and in general)4 years ago was the thing that made me decide to break up with him. I was thinking that maybe yes he is not that into me . Although he showed signs of interest, affection, love . So i was really confused back then .

Now the day that i felt that he is passionate and then stopped made me remember the past and i freaked out. I felt insecured .When a guy is into you isnt he allowed to have a day not feeling well ?  Even if a guy is not that into you he might enjoy sex with you because he wants sex,but he will leave at some point or the relationship will not develop. This guy wants a partner , a relationship , the attention, the love , so why be with me if he doesnt want to? Maybe he has  low libido which might be affected by his mood swings or depression? He had depression in the past and his friends told me that he tried to suicide many years ago. I dont see him depressed but i can tell that he is not a happy outgoing  person in general. 

By the way we have common friends and they told me that he is like that in his everyday life . One time he might be outgoing, talking to people and other times he shuts down and doesnt talk to anyone .

So that made me believe that maybe it doesnt have to do with me, im not the problem here . Thats his behavior in general.  But that doesnt mean i should like it. 

 

 

[NighttimeNightmare]

1 hour ago, Jeannette80 said:

When we broke up 4 years ago he didnt give up that easily. He tried for a month to convince me that we should be together again

That’s really intense behavior given you were only together for 4 months….  

[Jeannette80]

And another thing which we should notice. I broke up with him in the past, he didnt want to end the relationship.

Now he is the one who reached out and made the first step . 

So why come back if he doesnt really want to? And im sure he might be  afraid that this time i might end it again.

I mean plenty of girls outhere, he is a good looking man . If not into me then he has many chances to find what he wants . 

[Jeannette80]

1 minute ago, NighttimeNightmare said:

That’s really intense behavior given you were only together for 4 months….  

What do you mean intense? He wasnt intense . he called or texted me just a couple of  times during the month and he wanted me to change my mind and to give him  a chance. He didnt beg or anything

[MissCanuck]

1 hour ago, Jeannette80 said:

By the way we have common friends and they told me that he is like that in his everyday life . One time he might be outgoing, talking to people and other times he shuts down and doesnt talk to anyone .

That's why I am saying that he hasn't changed. This is who he is. Hot and cold, up and down. 

If you can accept that, then have at it. You know what you are signing up for. 

[Jeannette80]

11 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

That's why I am saying that he hasn't changed. This is who he is. Hot and cold, up and down. 

If you can accept that, then have at it. You know what you are signing up for. 

This isnt something they told me recently.  They told me 4 years ago that he was  like that .

Thats why i thought maybe that time he was going through a phase  . And thats why i wanted to give him a chance now. Truth is i see differences now, he has goals, he is more active, more smiley, not grumpy but i dont feel i know him yet. He is an introvert person , not an open book.

 

 

[NighttimeNightmare]

33 minutes ago, Jeannette80 said:

What do you mean intense? He wasnt intense . he called or texted me just a couple of  times during the month and he wanted me to change my mind and to give him  a chance. He didnt beg or anything

Hmm ok, I misunderstood

 

im still trying to put my finger on what’s going on here. I feel like there’s pieces missing to the story. Or is your life, at least as far as he’s concerned, really this choppy?

you said you were with him 4 years ago —- what was going on with you in between then? What are your relationships like with other men, your family, your coworkers? 
 

there’s some reason or piece of the puzzle that explains why you were with this dude 4 years ago, for only 4 months… with erratic behavior you term “hot then cold,” 4 years later he’s back with the same behavior and you’re back in the same cycle as if you never grew? 

[NighttimeNightmare]

1 minute ago, Jeannette80 said:

but i dont feel i know him yet.

Not trying to judge you, just asking to understand your mind a bit more:  why are you in a relationship with someone you don’t really know? 
 

[Jeannette80]

Just now, NighttimeNightmare said:

Hmm ok, I misunderstood

 

im still trying to put my finger on what’s going on here. I feel like there’s pieces missing to the story. Or is your life, at least as far as he’s concerned, really this choppy?

you said you were with him 4 years ago —- what was going on with you in between then? What are your relationships like with other men, your family, your coworkers? 
 

there’s some reason or piece of the puzzle that explains why you were with this dude 4 years ago, for only 4 months… with erratic behavior you term “hot then cold,” 4 years later he’s back with the same behavior and you’re back in the same cycle as if you never grew? 

It was 3 months not  4 months the duration  of the relationship 

Ok..what i mean by the "hot and cold". examples :  i want you passionetely and after 2 minutes i stop the foreplay like im bored or tired , or one  night we have a good  communication and there is a nice  energy between us  and today there is silence, no energy  ) . This behavior during the 2 weeks that we got back together happened only 1 day . But we have a past with this guy  and it freaked me out  because in the past  it happened often to the point i thought this guy has a problem, or doesnt know what he wants, of not really into me and spread insecirities in me. I mean i have insecurities on my own, but this man its like he made them worse .

[Jeannette80]

8 minutes ago, NighttimeNightmare said:

Not trying to judge you, just asking to understand your mind a bit more:  why are you in a relationship with someone you don’t really know? 
 

But i want to get to know him . How am i suppose to know him if i dont give a chance and time?

In the past it was 3 months ,now its 2 weeks . Its not a strong solid relationship yet . Thats how i feel . Its not dating either. We are not that connected yet  . We need time 

[MissCanuck]

18 minutes ago, Jeannette80 said:

I mean i have insecurities on my own, but this man its like he made them worse .

Don't ignore this feeling. 

Your gut is trying to talk to you here. 

[Jeannette80]

Just now, MissCanuck said:

Don't ignore this feeling. 

Your gut is trying to talk to you here. 

You mean my insecurities are showing me that there is something wrong with him?

 

[MissCanuck]

1 minute ago, Jeannette80 said:

You mean my insecurities are showing me that there is something wrong with him?

No, your gut is showing you. 

Anyway, I'll bow out here. I wouldn't waste my time on this sort of thing, but I'm also not you. Good luck with him. 

[NighttimeNightmare]

34 minutes ago, Jeannette80 said:

It was 3 months not  4 months the duration  of the relationship 

Ok..what i mean by the "hot and cold". examples :  i want you passionetely and after 2 minutes i stop the foreplay like im bored or tired , or one  night we have a good  communication and there is a nice  energy between us  and today there is silence, no energy  ) . This behavior during the 2 weeks that we got back together happened only 1 day . But we have a past with this guy  and it freaked me out  because in the past  it happened often to the point i thought this guy has a problem, or doesnt know what he wants, of not really into me and spread insecirities in me. I mean i have insecurities on my own, but this man its like he made them worse .

This doesn’t answer my question. Ok, why are you attracted to and trying to have a relationship with someone who displays these behaviors? 
 

[Jeannette80]

Trying to see if something changed now , he has good qualities other than that . Obviously im attracted to him . Im not an easy person my self. 

As i said his moodiness lasted a day now that we are dating again. Is it fair to dump him for that? Should i let some days pass, see how he makes me feel and then decide what to do ? 

 

After all its not nuclear science. Either you feel good or not. Right now i dont feel bad or sad or confused, i feel like im testing , its too early to tell . Testing to see if he got over his mood swings .. I feel good but not great.  He is like a closed book that i slowly open 

[NighttimeNightmare]

Are you over bearing with him?

I have a relative that constantly asks people “what’s wrong?” any time they have even a minor change in behavior… it’s suffocating.

Why not just get to know him casually… with intention is ok…. But it doesn’t sound like you two even really know each other.  Don’t try to force a relationship out of it. See if you even like each other first. 

[Jeannette80]

10 minutes ago, NighttimeNightmare said:

Are you over bearing with him?

I have a relative that constantly asks people “what’s wrong?” any time they have even a minor change in behavior… it’s suffocating.

Why not just get to know him casually… with intention is ok…. But you two don’t know each other.  Don’t try to force a relationship out of it. See if you even like each other first. 

Well no, i dont ask him  constantly "what' s wrong" I mean i do but not all the time

I forgot to mention that during our conversation he told me that in the past i was a closed book for him also, one time i looked happy,  other times he didnt know what to do to make me happy . I made him feel confused also. So thats why i said im not an easy person myself. I admit it. But now i have changed , i talk about my feelings, i improved my communication skills and he recognised that. Thats why im thinking to give a chance . He and i we are not that different . The difference is i have improved , im not the most extrovert person, i need my time, im not an open book, but i have improved . I want to see the same in him . I can see that he is more talkative , he expresses his thoughts but the mood swings im not sure. I need time to see

[Jeannette80]

And another thing. This guy he needs often communication during the day either we meet or not( phone calls , texting) he gives me the feeling that maybe he needs the attention or he has his own insecurities . But i dont need he is insecuried. For example if we are apart he will not check who i was with or anything like that. But he wants to see if i think about him during the day.  

We talked about it. He said he needs the communication , gives him the feeling of connection

[Batya33]

4 hours ago, Jeannette80 said:

I cant know  how he feels now , its too early. We both agreed during our conversation that we dont feel that comfortable yet with each other and that we want to create a bond but it will take time .

So to clarify you are comfortable with having sex and also evaluating how into you he is sexually to be related to how into you he is generally - but you also are comfortable with the fact that you don't have a bond created, this will take time and you're not comfortable with each other -I assume when he's not having sex with  you because you said that was passionate so I assume the foreplay and intercourse is--- comfortable? You are comfortable being open with your body and sharing your body with him so in that way you are an open book.

Totally fine if that is how you are approaching getting to know  this person -I had a friend who used  to have sex on the first date or very soon after so she could test whether they were compatible in that area -she could test that without really knowing the person or having that bond you speak of.  She married one of those men and is not happily married but was very over the moon for him in love for a long time -many years ago.  

Just was confused since you're referring to lack of bonding and comfort but then saying you have that during intercourse and foreplay.

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, Jeannette80 said:

And another thing. This guy he needs often communication during the day either we meet or not( phone calls , texting) he gives me the feeling that maybe he needs the attention or he has his own insecurities . But i dont need he is insecuried. For example if we are apart he will not check who i was with or anything like that. But he wants to see if i think about him during the day.  

We talked about it. He said he needs the communication , gives him the feeling of connection

Sure like a security blanket -thank goodness he wasn't an adult when we were dating with only landlines and snail mail lol.  If you are ok with being his security blanket and this level of neediness -I wouldn't call it typical healthy relationship connection because it's connection based on insecurity -not on actually caring how you are doing or wanting to know about you -he wants to know how you feel about him and wants to reassure -like when a baby goes through separation anxiety.  He's an adult who needs to see your text in order to know you're still "there".  Don't confuse that with him wanting to get to know you as a person or caring about you as a person but if you enjoy that role in his life by all means go for it!

Also if you text back he is reassured that  you're probably not with another man or thinking of another man heavily so it is his way of confirming you're being loyal.

[Jeannette80]

1 minute ago, Batya33 said:

So to clarify you are comfortable with having sex and also evaluating how into you he is sexually to be related to how into you he is generally - but you also are comfortable with the fact that you don't have a bond created, this will take time and you're not comfortable with each other -I assume when he's not having sex with  you because you said that was passionate so I assume the foreplay and intercourse is--- comfortable? Totally fine if that is how you are approaching getting to know  this person -I had a friend who used  to have sex on the first date or very soon after so she could test whether they were compatible in that area -she could test that without really knowing the person or having that bond you speak of.  She married one of those men and is not happily married but was very over the moon for him in love for a long time -many years ago.  

Just was confused since you're referring to lack of bonding and comfort but then saying you have that during intercourse and foreplay.

I dont  feel 100% comfortable during sex because we are not that connected yet emotionally. We dont have strong feelings yet . But there is caring, need to heal, need to feel each other . Maybe we take validation in this way? (He wants me, i want him) Validation that we both need?

We have our fears .  But the bond might take months right? I think it takes at least 3 months to see if you can invest in the relationship. Well we had those 3 months in the past . We both carry our fears (he is afraid that i might dump him again, im afraid to invest again). But due to the fact  he is not an unknown person to me , we had sex 4 years ago , not from the first dates , there is a level of comfortability with each other .  It felt right when it happened after we reunited .We both wanted it . I dont regret it . But i can feel that the emotional bond is not there yet. We need to overcome our fears and really know each other as personalities . 

 

[Jeannette80]

13 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Sure like a security blanket -thank goodness he wasn't an adult when we were dating with only landlines and snail mail lol.  If you are ok with being his security blanket and this level of neediness -I wouldn't call it typical healthy relationship connection because it's connection based on insecurity -not on actually caring how you are doing or wanting to know about you -he wants to know how you feel about him and wants to reassure -like when a baby goes through separation anxiety.  He's an adult who needs to see your text in order to know you're still "there".  Don't confuse that with him wanting to get to know you as a person or caring about you as a person but if you enjoy that role in his life by all means go for it!

Also if you text back he is reassured that  you're probably not with another man or thinking of another man heavily so it is his way of confirming you're being loyal.

So if thats the case how can i know im just his security blanket ?

I mean i like that also. I like texting (a few texts)or have a phone call during the day with my partner. Makes me feel nice  ( feeling that he thinks about me etc) Do i see him as a security blanket? I too feel insecure if he doesnt call during the day . (Has he forgotten about me all day?) But i  care . I will ask him about his day and he will do the same. He will ask about my life and i will do the same .

I mean how do you test if im just a security blanket ? Does it mean that he wants just a person to cover his insecurities and give him attention. Dont get it

 

[Batya33]

1 minute ago, Jeannette80 said:

I dont  feel 100% comfortable during sex because we are not that connected yet emotionally. We dont have strong feelings yet . But there is caring, need to heal, need to feel each other . Maybe we take validation in this way? (He wants me, i want him) Validation that we both need?

We have our fears .  But the bond might take months right? I think it takes at least 3 months to see if you can invest in the relationship. Well we had those 3 months in the past . We both carry our fears (he is afraid that i might dump him again, im afraid to invest again). But due to the fact  he is not an unknown person to me , we had sex 4 years ago , not from the first dates , there is a level of comfortability with each other .  It felt right when it happened after we reunited .We both wanted it . I dont regret it . But i can feel that the emotional bond is not there yet. We need to overcome our fears and really know each other as personalities . 

 

Oh ok I mean you're not asking for my input on how you approach relationships and sexual activity so it sounds like you have reasons that make sense to you for your approach.  I hope it all works out.  I can't really respond to how long it takes to feel a bond because it depends on so much.  For me it depended on how I interacted with the person, why we were dating (and 99% of the time I dated to find a husband and only dated men looking for a wife -the right match -never ever just to settle!), I never needed to "overcome fears" when I was dating a person with serious potential - what are these fears about? No relationship has guarantees of working forever, opening up to someone is risky for sure and if you balance the risk why is there actual "fear?"

When I reconnected with my future husband I felt 30-60 seconds of fear when he asked to get back together as in "what if it doesn't work out again??" and that fear dissolved because the overwhelming feeling was one of joy that we'd decided to be together again and see if we'd get married this  time, excitement about that, and  the fun of getting to know each other again after all those years.  Fear? That's a strong emotion and for sure I've felt that in bonding situations -I was terrified of miscarriage when I was pregnant or other complications, I have tons of fear when I have to let our son do X or Y that is risky so he can grow up and try new things and experience life - I had trepidation about relocating 800 miles away after 43 years in my city to be an unemployed newlywed SAHM with no family help. 

But -overcome fear of being with my potential husband? That makes no sense to me.  And it made no sense when we were first dating again - I wasn't fearful -I was happy and laughing and excited -how in the world is it fun and enjoyable to date if you have this weight on you about "overcoming fears?" Why bother -relationships are hard enough.  I don't see how you end up actually "bonding" if you have this wall of fear to "overcome."  For sure I am a fan of getting to know someone over a long period of time at a reasonable pace so you can experience life situations good and bad that simply are unlikely to happen in a short period of time. 

That was one reason why in my specific relationship we waited a couple of months before having sex again -both for emotional and practical reasons and why we waited longer than that to try to conceive.  Sex was one additional way we bonded -we were sexual before that -we were very romantic and affectionate and intimate- it was a way we bonded, not the way, it enhanced what we had at our core.  We never had to overcome fears.  But that's just us. Doesn't sound fun or healthy to me but you seem to take it as a given.  I cannot relate but that's just me!!

[Batya33]

19 minutes ago, Jeannette80 said:

So if thats the case how can i know im just his security blanket ?

I mean i like that also. I like texting (a few texts)or have a phone call during the day with my partner. Makes me feel nice  ( feeling that he thinks about me etc) Do i see him as a security blanket? I too feel insecure if he doesnt call during the day . (Has he forgotten about me all day?) But i  care . I will ask him about his day and he will do the same. He will ask about my life and i will do the same .

I mean how do you test if im just a security blanket ? Does it mean that he wants just a person to cover his insecurities and give him attention. Dont get it

 

It's about why he needs to be in constant contact and you shared it came from his insecurity. My future husband and I had nightly phone calls ranging from like 20 minutes to 45 minutes and caught up with each other, laughed, etc but I didn't need to hear from him for reassurance that he was into me and vice versa.  I felt like that one time when we were  dating about 6 months and he was out of touch for several hours when he should have been in touch.  It was really weird to feel so insecure.  Turns out I was wrong about why he was not in touch.  One time in 19 years of being back together. I didn't tell him to any real extent how I'd felt as he explained he had some last minute meetings.  We didn't text till after we were married -flip phones LOL.