Confused with my boyfriend

[Jeannette80]

I have grown and i believe he has grown.In the past when his behavior was like that and sometimes i couldnt tell how he feels about me about everything and he was moody i wouldnt talk. I wouldnt communicate my thoughts , my questions, my feelings. I made scenarios in my head about him . I wouldnt tell him for example "hey , whats wrong tell me if there's something bothering you. Im here for you "And he didnt communicate also. There was silence

At least now we both talk, and really want to communicate with each other and we dont want to just let the thoughts stay in our heads .

So maybe time will tell

[Kwothe28]

51 minutes ago, Jeannette80 said:

I have grown and i believe he has grown

How? He is still hot and cold and you still dont know what he wants. Nothing essentially changed. Him willing to communicate doesnt mean too much when he stays the same. 

[Jeannette80]

Because he was hot and cold for one day in these 2 weeks we see each other  ,actually he was not in the mood for anything that day  , like he was tired or something. Thats why i thought to give a few days to see. I rushed and made conclusions and didnt let the days pass to see if this is regular.  Maybe he wasnt feeling ok or he was indeed tired . I mean i have my ups and.downs also. 

Some of my friends told me to give more time and if this happens often, something is off . If its once every 2-3 weeks or month i dont know, then its normal. Im grumpy, or tired or moody also sometimes . I shouldnt have talked to him about it, i should have waited to see if it happens again soon . To see and evaluate how he makes me feel. Now he might be careful not to make me unhappy and i dont want him to be careful 

I want him show his real self 

 

[MissCanuck]

2 hours ago, Jeannette80 said:

I want him show his real self 

He already has. 

Tha's the part you're not quite wanting to see yet. 

[Jeannette80]

Dont know if he has shown me who he really is yet. But i dont feel that i should end it right now. This is something u know when its coming. You feel it

 Right now i dont feel upset, unhappy , sad, angry, worried  or any of those feelings . Im not in love with him yet , its too early . So i dont have those strong feelings that will make me stay with him . There is nothing holding me strong to him.

So i rely more on logic and feelings . My logic says "give a few days more and see how u feel " and my feelings say " ok , u are not attached u can go anytime u want in case you see something u dont like "

If i felt that i dont like this guy , i would break up believe me. But right now i just dont feel it . Im not even thinking about it. 

 

[MissCanuck]

2 minutes ago, Jeannette80 said:

If i felt that i dont like this guy , i would break up believe me. But right now i just dont feel it . Im not even thinking about it. 

Are you trying to convince us, or yourself?

 

[Jeannette80]

Not trying to convince anyone .

This is how i feel. Maybe in a few days i will say "u know what? I dont feel we can be together, im not happy , etc"

Right now im not feeling the end . I feel thats it a testing period not the end .

Im not the type who attaches easily onto guys . Im not afraid to be alone or anything.

I was dating another  guy 2 months ago and he was love bombing me, it was very clear and i ended it . We had a few  days of dating and that was it , once i realised whats going on

This time with this guy its not clear yet . I feel i need time to see how i feel

[MissCanuck]

Right, then stick it out and see. 

It's your choice to make anyway. We don't have a dog in this fight; just here to offer different perspectives. 

[Batya33]

8 hours ago, yogacat said:

they've recently reunited after four years apart and in those two week's he's inferring she's on thin ice. I would think two people recently back together would be a bit more energized and happy on the outset of this new relationship. Unless in those two weeks she was being extraordinarily suffocating or overbearing. But it sounds more like confusion on her end by his behavior and responses.

I dunno, they've been together only two weeks this time around and they are already having problems? 

They only dated a couple months 4 years ago so  this is not one of those reconciliations IMO where exes get back together.  They dated for a short period of time, broke up because of the issue she is now having and the difference seems to be that it is happening earlier on this time.

OP I married my ex fiancee, we were apart almost 8 years.  You said you two talked before you got back together and it seems that you brought up the past issue? Yes -"all relationships are different" so you can discount my input entirely but perhaps not.  You know what we  talked about when he asked to get back together? Whether we wanted to try again, whether we agreed on the major stuff -exclusivity, wanting marriage and family and -logistically- the potential for long distance plus me being the one to relocate.  Obviously we were scared of it all not working out again.  But we didn't discuss that more than my uttering something like "wow -I'm a little scared" then around 60 seconds later I said yes, smiled, happy, looking forward to what the future might hold. 

I already knew we'd both changed over the years from early to late 30s.  Changed in ways that made us right when we weren't before. I didn't need him to change for me or vice versa.  OK sure I wish he'd change into a person who doesn't leave paper scraps around or empty glasses on counters but ok.  Everything we said to each other in the 5 minute conversation we had about future goals and plans that night 19 years ago this week we have kept as true and committed to all of it.  And for sure people need space in a relationship. 

In fact I became a person who needed a lot more space once I had our son in my early 40s.  I changed.  But when you love each other and are committed to each other -or see potential for love and commitment the need for space is mostly communicated in thoughtful and respectful ways. 

Or you sense it in the other person and you preemptively give the space in a thoughtful and kind way -unobtrusive and discreet.  With the security of knowing "it's not me and he'll or she'll return when she's ready" Or even if it is "you" like some annoying thing -fine -the relationship is solid enough to withstand it.  It's not this rollercoaster guessing game.  My stomach couldn't take that.  What about yours?

There are better matches out there IMO even though "everyone and every relationship is different.  As you can tell I agree only to an extent. I received very wise advice about love, relationships, marriages from "individuals" who were not professionals either -there are similarities and common ground especially in traditional relationships involving two people dating or together exclusively.  IMO.

[Batya33]

22 minutes ago, Jeannette80 said:

Not trying to convince anyone .

This is how i feel. Maybe in a few days i will say "u know what? I dont feel we can be together, im not happy , etc"

Right now im not feeling the end . I feel thats it a testing period not the end .

Im not the type who attaches easily onto guys . Im not afraid to be alone or anything.

I was dating another  guy 2 months ago and he was love bombing me, it was very clear and i ended it . We had a few  days of dating and that was it , once i realised whats going on

This time with this guy its not clear yet . I feel i need time to see how i feel

I would do so - and you know yourself as far as getting attached through all this togetherness and sex and the thrill of the chase -will he be distant today? loving? Ohhhh.  Is part of it that? Oh and just to add  to my long post - the only reason I was able to get to reconnect with my ex fiancee was because I was single again for the last couple of months having ended an on again off again long term relationship 5 months earlier. 

Had I not ended it and waited and seen I very likely would have said no to meeting my husband for a dinner to catch up or if I had it would have been a dinner to catch up because even if I'd felt sparks as I did back then I would have dismissed them in favor of the security of my relationship and likely not extended the evening by walking him to the apartment he had for the summer and going upstairs -it was 1000% platonic that night -but had I been in a relationship I wouldn't have done that and likely would have been able to walk away from my future husband/father of my child and return to Mr.Right Now.  Consider that each day you entangle yourself with this man is a day you could be foregoing real opportunities.

[yogacat]

4 hours ago, Batya33 said:

They only dated a couple months 4 years ago so  this is not one of those reconciliations IMO where exes get back together.  They dated for a short period of time, broke up because of the issue she is now having and the difference seems to be that it is happening earlier on this time.

I dated an ex for a short time and got back together a year later. He expressed he was ecstatic when we got back together. It was a funny story how we met and dated and reconciled. 😅

Maybe it was just an off day though, we all have those! If she doesn't feel truly happy after 2 weeks, then yes I would end it. Too short of a dating relationship to be playing games or acting hot and cold. She should be feeling really happy at this point, not indifferent.

If he truly cares for you, he will listen and try to work through any issues that may come up. However, he's already shown that he's a bit dismissive when you brought up the hot and cold behavior. So, something to be mindful of. Maybe he's feeling a bit of panic getting into a relationship again with someone he only dated a few months and is essentially starting from scratch again.

Take things slowly, be mindful, and see how it progresses.

I can't tell if this is a blip or if this is who he is.

I'm not saying it is not possible for something good to come from this, with it being early I was only pointing out that at the moment -it is indicating the same pattern. I could be wrong, but that is an indicator of where things sit currently. And we should cater to the right indicator-which is now.

[Batya33]

5 minutes ago, yogacat said:

I dated an ex for a short time and got back together a year later. He expressed he was ecstatic when we got back together. It was a funny story how we met and dated and reconciled. 😅

Maybe it was just an off day though, we all have those! If she doesn't feel truly happy after 2 weeks, then yes I would end it. Too short of a dating relationship to be playing games or acting hot and cold. She should be feeling really happy at this point, not indifferent.

If he truly cares for you, he will listen and try to work through any issues that may come up. However, he's already shown that he's a bit dismissive when you brought up the hot and cold behavior. So, something to be mindful of. Maybe he's feeling a bit of panic getting into a relationship again with someone he only dated a few months and is essentially starting from scratch again.

Take things slowly, be mindful, and see how it progresses.

I can't tell if this is a blip or if this is who he is.

I'm not saying it is not possible for something good to come from this, with it being early I was only pointing out that at the moment -it is indicating the same pattern. I could be wrong, but that is an indicator of where things sit currently. And we should cater to the right indicator-which is now.

That’s great that he was ecstatic ! That was usually my experience too and it had little relevance as to whether it lasted.  

[yogacat]

29 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

That’s great that he was ecstatic ! That was usually my experience too and it had little relevance as to whether it lasted.

True, just because a person is initially excited when a relationship starts does not mean it is guaranteed to last long term. That's why it's so important to evaluate how someone makes you feel (even after the excitement dies down a bit). We were together for five years.

It can bode well as there is positive initial chemistry before two people have had a chance to do anything "wrong." However, someone who makes you feel uncertain and emotionally exhausted two weeks into a relationship may wear you out the longer you are with them.

There are a few things that stood out to me in your story...

1. You broke up with him after just 3 months, because he was moody and said things that made you feel insecure. It sounds like you might have some insecurities yourself, which are making you feel very incompatible with him at times, so it's important to reflect on this and really understand what's going on in your own head.

2. I can't deny that his comment of "I love you now, but who knows what will happen tomorrow" sounds extremely odd to me. That's not something a person who is serious about a relationship will ever say. Then again, it's only been two weeks.

3. It's good that you are talking with each other and trying to resolve things, but it's not certain whether he is actually communicating with you in ways that are informative or helpful. If he said "If you want to break up but it's your choice" appears to be just trying to fence sit and not offer a real commitment. It's a red flag for sure, so trust your instincts a bit more here.

4. I'm getting a feeling that you might have trust issues, which are making you doubt your relationship.

5. It's very unrealistic to expect someone to reveal their true self or be completely honest with you after only two weeks of dating. True connection and trust take time! If he was painfully honest and tried to resolve things but ultimately was not compatible with you - would that be better in your eyes?

Looks like you're thinking rationally however if you're feeling insecure within 2 weeks of dating (and he's displaying the same behaviors that he did at the end of your previous 3 month relationship). . he might have been having off days when he was moody, irritable, and cold. However, it's not your job to "fix" him, especially when all you're doing is providing an outlet for him. Make sure that what you're looking for and what he wants is aligned.

I think consider all these comments as possibilities! 🙏Take care of yourself over all else, be well and good luck!

[rainbowsandroses]

11 hours ago, Jeannette80 said:

Because he was hot and cold for one day in these 2 weeks we see each other.

@Jeannette80 I'm curious, what is your definition of "hot and cold" for one day?

Do you mean he was tired one day and/or needed some lone time for whatever reason for ONE day and the next day or even later that day he was back to his usual self talkative, happy and giving you attention?

Can you clarify? 

I'm not sure but I think you may be mischaracterizing "hot and cold" (which most people view as a negative) with a normal and even healthy need for some lone time occasionally.  

I certainly need a day here and there to catch my breath, regroup, unwind, chill out without my partner and I've never had a boyfriend call me "hot and cold."

It's normal! 

Same with literally every single boyfriend I've ever had.  And when it happens, I leave him be and take my own space. 

Again, I am not sure which is why I ask but I will say that in most cases, a person's need for space occasionally has nothing to do with you or their feelings for you.

And if you take it personally and allow it to negatively impact you, cause insecurity etc you are going to have trouble maintaining and feeling secure in any relationship. 

Or you will drive them to end it with your insecurity, need for reassurance versus simply trusting in what you have together, graciously allowing each other occasional space knowing it's not about you and trusting they will be back to their regular selves when they're ready. 

As far as him saying things like:

On 8/25/2024 at 4:25 AM, Jeannette80 said:

I love u now, but tomorrow who knows what will happen" .

Well, that was quite blunt and unnecessary to verbalize however he IS right.  No one really knows what will happen down the road.  We also don't know what prompted him to say it..

He may be a person who prefers to live day to day, he's not a planner, he's more spontaneous.

I am the same even when I've been madly in love with my partner! 

If you're not, if you're a planner, who needs to have assurances that nothing ever changes and if he loves you today, it means he will love you forever, he may not be the man for you.

My nature is such that him making a comment like that would not have bothered me or caused insecurity, I would have agreed with him.

He loves me today, I love him today, in all likelihood he will love me tomorrow BUT neither of us can predict what will happen in the future, so we take it one day at a time.

Neither attitude is wrong or right but it IS important that you're both on the same wavelength about it which it doesn't appear you are.

Same with him saying if you're not happy with who he is and how he treats you including him needing some occasional lone time once every 2-3 weeks where he gets quiet (your word "moody") and "cold" (your word), then you either accept him for who he is or reject and walk away.

Hope this made sense, again good luck.

 

 

 

 

 

[ShySoul]

9 hours ago, Jeannette80 said:

Dont know if he has shown me who he really is yet. But i dont feel that i should end it right now. This is something u know when its coming. You feel it

Trust yourself. You're right, if it's over you feel it. Likewise, if there is still something there, you feel it. So go with what you are feeling. 

Everyone has doubts. Even in the happiest of relationships, there can be doubts. That doesn't mean you give up. One incident doesn't mean he hasn't changed. It can be temporary slip up, a mistake. If you stopped after ever mistake or disagreement, no one would ever end up together. Instead look for the pattern. If he continues to pull back and you aren't happy long term, then end things. And you will know when that time comes. You'll feel it.

 

[NighttimeNightmare]

15 minutes ago, ShySoul said:

Trust yourself. You're right, if it's over you feel it. Likewise, if there is still something there, you feel it. So go with what you are feeling

I tend to agree with this thought process as well

even if people further along in their life journeys can look at someone’s situation and clearly see where it’s headed, no amount of trying to get that person to “see” and segue are going to work 

if someone is drawn heavily to their situation, I believe there’s something they need to get out of it. Something they need to find out, figure out, experience, etc for themselves based on where they are in their life 

it may not end well. But I truly believe when people are drawn to something you’ve just gotta let them go and do it

[ShySoul]

2 minutes ago, NighttimeNightmare said:

if someone is drawn heavily to their situation, I believe there’s something they need to get out of it. Something they need to find out, figure out, experience, etc for themselves based on where they are in their life 

Life is the best teacher.

People are going to do what they are going to do. Maybe that determination can make things work out. Or maybe it will all fall apart. But either way there is a reason people are in the positions they are in. There is some lesson to be learned.

I've been through really bad times. I've been through good times. But every moment has taught me something and helped shaped the person I am today. We are all the total of our experiences, good and bad. 

So stick to what you feel is right for you. Odds are there is a reason and you'll come out of it better off, having gained some kind of valuable lesson, experience, or insight from it.

[rainbowsandroses]

19 minutes ago, ShySoul said:

So stick to what you feel is right for you. Odds are there is a reason and you'll come out of it better off, having gained some kind of valuable lesson, experience, or insight from it.

^^Amen my friend, I am in total agreement! 

[NighttimeNightmare]

50 minutes ago, ShySoul said:

Odds are there is a reason and you'll come out of it better off, having gained some kind of valuable lesson, experience, or insight from it.

Hopefully. Ive seen darker sides to this, though, where people come out financially ruined and emotionally traumatized. Barely able to function. I don’t think anyone needs trauma to “learn a lesson”

not saying you are insinuating that, or that OPs situation will lead there etc.  Just that a darker outcome is possible. 

[rainbowsandroses]

18 minutes ago, NighttimeNightmare said:

Ive seen darker sides to this, though, where people come out financially ruined and emotionally traumatized. Barely able to function. I don’t think anyone needs trauma to “learn a lesson”

^Bolded.  This was me around 9 years ago, I contemplated ending my life at one pont and you better believe when I finally healed I learned extremely valuable lessons from that relationship.

"That which doesn't kill us makes us stronger." --  German philosopher Friedrich Nietzsc

I am also stronger emotionally for having experienced it which is valuable in and of itself!

There is always something to be learned IMO from each and every experience both positive and negative. 

And for the OP if this relationship ends, if she's open to it versus burying her head in self pity she will learn something valuable as well to take with her in her next relationship.

Again JMO as always 😀

 

 

[NighttimeNightmare]

50 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

This was me around 9 years ago, I contemplated ending my life at one pont and you better believe when I finally healed I learned extremely valuable lessons from that relationship

Ya. We’re all different. There’s no right or wrong here. This is true of some people and I’m glad it was of you 

but for other people their trauma was too much and they’re forever changed. They could have learned the lesson without being forever altered in a negative way. And some, even worse, never bounce back. 
 

I just personally can’t advocate for people being traumatized. It’s too risky 

50 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

"That which doesn't kill us makes us stronger." --  German philosopher Friedrich Nietzsc

That’s a common quote people use. But it’s challenged often in the psych. side of things because the reality is that which doesn’t kill, often cripples people to the point of needing ketamine therapy. Or death with dignity. Etc. 
 

Again, let me be clear: bad experiences do shape some people for the better, and they may come out stronger etc.  I’m not denying that. But I also see too much of the other side of that coin. It’s certainly not a one size fits all quote. 

[ShySoul]

52 minutes ago, NighttimeNightmare said:

Hopefully. Ive seen darker sides to this, though, where people come out financially ruined and emotionally traumatized. Barely able to function. I don’t think anyone needs trauma to “learn a lesson”

Ideally I wish no one would experience any trauma. You certainly don't need it to learn a lesson. And I've seen the darker side as well. Some people do end up crippled from it, unable to escape their demons or the ghosts of the past.

There's never a clear answer, so many factors involved. It's easy to try to sum things up in make a general rule. But one size rarely fits all. Think it's finding what motivates and encourages you, what can push you out of the darkness. 

Also, it's not advocating for them to be traumatized. It's trying to give people who are already traumatized hope that thngs can be better. Do what ever you can to avoid the trauma first. But unfortunately people do experience it. So when you get there, don't give up and give into despair. Fight back and believe you'll get to a better place.

[yogacat]

8 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Do you mean he was tired one day and/or needed some lone time for whatever reason for ONE day and the next day or even later that day he was back to his usual self talkative, happy and giving you attention?

Can you clarify? 

I'm not sure but I think you may be mischaracterizing "hot and cold" (which most people view as a negative) with a normal and even healthy need for some lone time occasionally.  

I certainly need a day here and there to catch my breath, regroup, unwind, chill out without my partner and I've never had a boyfriend call me "hot and cold."

She said:

Quote

But there was a day that he was moody , he initiated sex and then stopped many times during the day . He gave me that feeling of insecurity again . The hot and cold behavior. So i asked whats wrong . Why u kiss me passionately, u initiate it  and then u become cold? The answer was that he was tired.

He initiated sex with her and then stopped mid-way saying I'm tired. Is that the same as needing some alone time if one minute it's "yes!, let's have sex" and in the middle of it he's "I'm too tired. Let's stop." I mean, am I imagining things/reading this wrong or isn't this the situation here?

Sure, some people get tired mid-way through sex, I mean, anything's possible...lol

He was hot and cold when the OP discussed her concerns and he became dismissive and suggested they break up if she's not happy. I don't know, call me crazy, but his behavior reeks of a man that is not that into her. 

Even if they dated a short time 4 years ago and recently got back together, there'd seem to be a bit more harmonious behavior than what she's describing.

Something seems off here which was the reasoning behind the question from me just now. I wonder if there been anything else that seems like a red flag to you or otherwise?

I mean, whatever it is, it was hurtful enough for you the first time around when you originally called it off..

He was dismissive back then with the ILY comment and now two weeks in with the break up comment. He seems casual towards you TBH.

Figure out if it's just him needing alone time or being tired occasionally. Or is it more like going from enthusiastic and loving to distant and uninterested within a span of a few hours?

I know you care about him and want to make it work and I hope that you get what you are looking for with him.  

[rainbowsandroses]

Wow thanks @yogacat! 

I must've missed all that, my bad!  I've been distracted these past few days and not quite myself so missed it. 

I was actually going from her more recent posts where it sounded like he needed some space occasionally as many of us do. 

I also just read her previous thread, another wow!

@Jeannette80 what the heck girl?

Really????? 😯😳

Please disregard my previous posts.

He sounds like a total nutcase.

Apologies for my confusion.

 

 

[yogacat]

1 hour ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Wow thanks @yogacat! 

I must've missed all that, my bad!  I've been distracted these past few days and not quite myself so missed it. 

I was actually going from her more recent posts where it sounded like he needed some space occasionally as many of us do. 

I also just read her previous thread, another wow!

@Jeannette80 what the heck girl?

Really????? 😯😳

Please disregard my previous posts.

He sounds like a total nutcase.

Apologies for my confusion.

 

 

Wow! Just read her prior thread after you mentioned it. Was it this one? 

Same guy OP?