Confused with my boyfriend

[Jeannette80]

Hello.

I would like an advice about the guy im dating. We had a short relationship 4 years ago and now he came back to my life and we started dating again(2 weeks now). The reason i broke up with him 4 years ago (it was a 3 months relationship) was that i was confused by his behavior. One time he was enthusiastic , happy, talkative and other times he was the opposite, not smiling , like he was depressed or something.  Also he said things that made me feel insecure like " i love u now , but tomorrow who knows what will happen" . All these made me feel insecure and not knowing how he really feels about me. Also he gave me the feeling that i was just there to cover his loneliness. And  sex was sometimes hot or cold just like his behavior. We had good times i admit, we did a lot of activities,  we met almost every day , we had feelings for each other but there was his moody behavior also that confused me .Back then i told him that im not happy and we broke up with no fights or anything.

Now that he came back all was ok the first days, we talked a lot and we said ok lets try again from the beginning etc. But there was a day that he was moody , he initiated sex and then stopped many times during the day . He gave me that feeling of insecurity again . The hot and cold behavior. So i asked whats wrong . Why u kiss me passionately, u initiate it  and then u become cold? The answer was that he was tired . But a few days ago he was tired also but he was full of passion! So i told him i dont like that feeling of insecurity  and he said ok , if you are not happy maybe we shouldnt continue , but its your choise . The ball its in your hands .

So he left and the next couple of days we only  texted each other  and there was a distance . We are supposed to meet after 3 days and we'll see how it goes. 

I believe that maybe he is depressed and covering it. Some common friends told me that in the past he went through a lot (divorce. Serious accident etc) . That justifies maybe the low libido and his behavior? Dont know how to handle him

 Should i give more time and see whats going on?

[Batya33]

No.  And I married my ex fiancee so I totally see where couples can reconcile later on if things have changed (for us they did).  You only knew him a few months back then and he was behaving in a way that upset you regularly.  Now it's only been two weeks and it's the same thing.  Nothing has changed. 4 years ago you exited without too much of a time investment and now you have the opportunity to exit much sooner and not waste time.  Also I wonder why you two resumed your sexual relationship right away - are you two exclusive? If for you the timing felt fine then of course go for it but given the past it sounds very rushed -one talk, a couple months of dating years ago and  right away you're having sex again. And right away the same issues. 

[Jeannette80]

You are right, sex was too soon

 I think be both realised it . My thoughts are that it was just a day that i cought him moody and maybe i should have given more time to be sure whats going  .

We said that we are exclusive yes . From my part i mean it , from his part hopefully its not just words , but u never know.

Im confused to be honest and i was thinking to give a few days . If he is moody or hot and cold then i will not continue 

[Batya33]

37 minutes ago, Jeannette80 said:

You are right, sex was too soon

 I think be both realised it . My thoughts are that it was just a day that i cought him moody and maybe i should have given more time to be sure whats going  .

We said that we are exclusive yes . From my part i mean it , from his part hopefully its not just words , but u never know.

Im confused to be honest and i was thinking to give a few days . If he is moody or hot and cold then i will not continue 

But you wrote it wasn't just once the first time around - so why assume it's a one off? Are you using protection - to the hilt -because if you're waiting and seeing for the inevitable an accidental pregnancy would not be a good thing, right?

[Jeannette80]

The last case scenario i want is a pregnancy. I will tell him to slow things slowly and see how it goes

[Batya33]

14 minutes ago, Jeannette80 said:

The last case scenario i want is a pregnancy. I will tell him to slow things slowly and see how it goes

That's good to hear.  Then act consistently.  Why do you think slowing things down will help the fact that you are seeing already he has not changed from 4 years ago - have you changed so it is not a dealbreaker? Seems like no.

[Jeannette80]

Because it was only 1 day that he was moody so maybe it was coincidence.  If it happens again it means he hasnt changed . Thats why i thought to give time , maybe a week to see and to make sure before i make decisions

[MissCanuck]

So, nothing has changed since the last time you dated him. 

I wouldn't bother trying, honestly. I would let this be my confirmation that we're really not a match. 

[Batya33]

37 minutes ago, Jeannette80 said:

Because it was only 1 day that he was moody so maybe it was coincidence.  If it happens again it means he hasnt changed . Thats why i thought to give time , maybe a week to see and to make sure before i make decisions

For sure.  It's not abusive at this point.  It's up to you how you want to spend and invest your time and emotions.

[DarkCh0c0]

No. He is inconsistent, moody, and he sends mixed signals. He can pull the rug whenever from under you. His core behaviour hasn't changed. By dragging this out, you'd be wasting more time to just re-confirm that he is not a good match.

[ShySoul]

One time could be an off day or something that happened to him which impacted his mood on that day. It's not an indication that it will always happen. I, and I am certain everyone else, have had bad days where I lack energy or get irritated easily. He has also been through a lot that may affect him emotionally. If he has not properly healed from those things, then it may drag him down as well.

There is also the chance that because this happened frequently in the past, you will be more sensitive to the topic. It affected you emotional in the past, so you have your guard up against it happening again. The slighest things sets off warning bells and your flight response kicks in. 

Once I would chalk up to a bad day. If it happens again, then you may have reason to be concerned.

I've been depressed. It can be difficult to get up the will to smile, talk, and be happy if that isn't what you are feeling inside. It's not a sign he doesn't care about you. He may care about you very much but be wrestling with so much inside him that he's unable to show it. He may also wish to keep a distance so as to not bother you with it or to not confront it himself. It's like a constant struggle. You want to be close to someone, but the closer you get the more you risk something happening that could hurt you more then your already damaged self can take.

Has he shown you other signs of being depressed? Has he opened up to you about the things he has been through? Have you let him know that you are there for him and that he can talk to you about anything? 

Perhaps a heartfelt talk about why he pulls away may help things. And not just the quick and easy answer of being tired. There is a root casue that needs uncovering.

 

[rainbowsandroses]

3 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

I would let this be my confirmation that we're really not a match. 

Agree with this^.  Why?

Because it's rather obvious (to me anyway) that HE requires more "space" than you and he feels suffocated and then pulls away.

You then begin feeling insecure and start questioning him, seeking reassurance which results in him pulling back more!  Or behaving passively by telling you he's tired. 

Once he gets his needed space, he misses you (i.e gets horny) and returns all passionate -- lather, rinse, repeat. 

You're not a match @Jeannette80 , you can't fit a round peg into a square hole no matter how intoxicating you think the chemistry is or how much you wish for it.

I'm sorry. 😞

[catfeeder]

If someone ever suggested to me that not 'liking' how I was being treated on a given day means that we shouldn't continue, I'd agree, wish him the best, and walk away.

Nothing has changed with this guy, except that he's trigger-happy with breakup threats now if you don't like it.

Don't waste your time.

[ShySoul]

5 hours ago, Jeannette80 said:

Because it was only 1 day that he was moody so maybe it was coincidence.  If it happens again it means he hasnt changed . Thats why i thought to give time , maybe a week to see and to make sure before i make decisions

Rash decisions made with little thought or examination of the depth of an issue tends to lead to mistakes. Good on you for taking the time to think it over and really look at things from all perspectives.

8 hours ago, Jeannette80 said:

So i told him i dont like that feeling of insecurity  and he said ok , if you are not happy maybe we shouldnt continue , but its your choise . The ball its in your hands .

How did he say it? Was it anger, an accusation that you were doing something wrong to him? Was it resignation, a hopeless feeling that you were going to leave? I could even see him saying that as a way to offer you an escape, not wanting you to be trapped in something if it didn't make you happy.

A lot depends on exactly how he is going about interacting with you. You are the one who is there, experiencing it. How does it feel to you? Do you still feel that he cares about you? Do you feel that there are other things going on with him outside the relationship that may be impacting his behavior?

Take the time to really look at things. Look at things from both sides, respecting his feelings and yours. Talk it over with him. Then let your heart and conscience be your guide.

[rainbowsandroses]

47 minutes ago, catfeeder said:

If someone ever suggested to me that not 'liking' how I was being treated on a given day means that we shouldn't continue, I'd agree, wish him the best, and walk away.

^^I think that was precisely his point though and he's right. 

He is who he is, he's not changing, and you have two choices, accept it or leave.  Or talk, attempt to understand and reach a compromise.

The ball IS in her court, her choice just as he stated. 

8 hours ago, Jeannette80 said:

We had good times i admit, we did a lot of activities,  we met almost every day , we had feelings for each other but there was his moody behavior also that confused me .

@Jeannette80 every day or almost every day may be too much for him.  He could say it's too much and should but he doesn't want to hurt you so he pulls away or tells you he's tired, gets moody (goes cold), distances himself then misses you and returns all passionate (hot).

Thus the hot and cold behavior you refer to.

This happens so often in relationships I've lost count!

I think the amount of space/distance and amount of togetherness a couple needs to be happy and content is the number one reason for so many conflicts.

One partner needs more space, the other needs more togetherness, the partner needing space feels suffocated, pulls away (physically and/or emotionally) to get that space, the partner who needs togetherness freaks out and starts seeking reassurance causing the partner needing space to need more space, it's a neverending cycle of confusion, hurt feelings and tension (not the good kind).

We can call this guy every negative name in the book.  I won't because I believe it takes two.

One partner's action, their partner's reaction, the other partner's reaction to their reaction, rinse repeat!  

To me it's about understanding.

Instead of coming here to get answers from strangers, why not talk to him?

Not in an accusatory way, ask him what HE needs. 

Does he need more space?  Can you handle a bit of distances combined with togetherness?

Watch/listen to Esther Perel.  You can start with the below video.  It discusses that very thing - distance versus togetherness and that a bit of distance can actually enhance your relationship!

Anyway, enjoy the video and good luck. 

 

[catfeeder]

3 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

4 hours ago, catfeeder said:

If ... not 'liking' how I was being treated means that we shouldn't continue, I'd agree, wish him the best, and walk away.

^^I think that was precisely his point though and he's right. 

He is who he is, he's not changing, and you have two choices, accept it or leave.  Or talk, attempt to understand and reach a compromise.

Where is there any room to 'compromise' with someone who tells you to either accept my mistreatment or walk? This is a grown man. He owns the capacity to say, "This is too much togetherness for me, I need  to decline today..." but instead just shows up behaving like a bully.

OP, you can keep messing with that if you want to, it's not against the law. It's just not going to buy you any leverage. You've already spoken your position on the hot-and-cold stuff of the past only to be promised that the bully days are over.

Yeah, right. It's one thing to make room for everybody having an occasional bad day. It's another to put yourself on the same roller coaster ride that landed you nowhere but harmed and hurt before. Learn from the past and preserve your dignity and self esteem. It's a no-brainer.

[rainbowsandroses]

39 minutes ago, catfeeder said:

Where is there any room to 'compromise' with someone who tells you to either accept my mistreatment or walk? This is a grown man. He owns the capacity to say, "This is too much togetherness for me, I need  to decline today..." but instead just shows up behaving like a bully.

You can keep messing with that if you want to, it's not against the law. It's just not going to buy you any leverage. You've already spoken your position on the hot-and-cold stuff of the past only to be promised that the bully days are over.

Yeah, right. It's one thing to make room for everybody having an occasion bad day. It's another to put yourself on the same roller coaster ride that landed you nowhere but harmed and hurt before. Learn from the past and preserve your dignity and self esteem. It's a no-brainer.

Wow.  

First off no need to lecture me @catfeeder which is how this^ comes across to me.  I've worked long and hard to get where I am, and know what's going on. 

Secondly I am not 100% certain his behavior IS "mistreatment" I get the OP believes it is and on it's face hot and cold is lousy and no one should tolerate that. 

But we're only hearing her side after all and it is possible he needs space/feels suffocated at times and ideally in a perfect world he should tell her that but people are not perfect and often don't know how to express what they need. 

So we talk, communicate and ask!  

And yes sometimes we can reach a compromise, sometimes not in which case we're incompatible and we walk away.

In any event, this "hot and cold" s*** doesn't happen in my relationships because I instinctively understand the need for distance, heck I myself need distance!

So if he pulls back a bit sometimes or gets quiet (in OP's mind goes cold, gets moody), I leave him be, do my own thing, don't hassle him, seek reassurance etc. 

I'm fine, I trust what we have together and don't freak out about it. 

When he reaches out again we carry on and all is well. 

Did you even watch the Esther Perel video?

To me all this is a "no brainer" but hey you do you and I'll do me. 

And OP you should do you and if you're unhappy with how he treats you or anything else, probably best to wish him well and walk away. 

All the best and I'm sorry things aren't working out..

 

[catfeeder]

9 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

...no need to lecture me...

I wasn't, and thanks for letting me know. I've fixed, it.

[yogacat]

You're getting the same treatment as you did the first time he was with you. It all might look charming and romantic at first and intriguing, but on the long run, it will be very tiring and self-destructive. Let's not forget his words "I love you today. Tomorrow, I don't know." 

He basically called himself a capricious person, saying don't even be surprised to find him not so into you the next day. You're NOT insecure, he's a bad communicator, and it shows. I don't view this as a he needs space issue, I view this as him being a moody dude who keeps giving you mixed signals. He's already talking about not being together, and that's your queue to leave.

If he really just needed space he'd say "I need space to clear my head" but he doesn't, he basically tells you that he's going to emotionally involve himself with you one day then he might not be as much involved the next day. 

Yikes!

[rainbowsandroses]

8 minutes ago, yogacat said:

You're getting the same treatment as you did the first time he was with you. It all might look charming and romantic at first and intriguing, but on the long run, it will be very tiring and self-destructive. Let's not forget his words "I love you today. Tomorrow, I don't know." 

He basically called himself a capricious person, saying don't even be surprised to find him not so into you the next day. You're NOT insecure, he's a bad communicator, and it shows. I don't view this as a he needs space issue, I view this as him being a moody dude who keeps giving you mixed signals. He's already talking about not being together, and that's your queue to leave.

If he really just needed space he'd say "I need space to clear my head" but he doesn't, he basically tells you that he's going to emotionally involve himself with you one day then he might not be as much involved the next day. 

Yikes!

Fair point @yogacat.  I didn't see it that way at first but definitely worthy of consideration.

In any event, I think we all agree about one thing. 

He's not a good fit for you OP, he's not gonna change, best to walk away.

[yogacat]

23 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Fair point @yogacat.  I didn't see it that way at first but definitely worthy of consideration.

In any event, I think we all agree about one thing. 

He's not a good fit for you OP, he's not gonna change, best to walk away.

Thanks, I get your point too!

I tend to think that when men need space, they tend to withdraw or become less communicative than usual. And yes, sometimes that includes being short with their responses or seeming less engaged in communication. So I do agree that he wants space but not because OP is insecure or because she did something wrong. He's giving mixed signals and not communicating clearly. 

Come to think of it, they've recently reunited after four years apart and in those two week's he's inferring she's on thin ice. I would think two people recently back together would be a bit more energized and happy on the outset of this new relationship. Unless in those two weeks she was being extraordinarily suffocating or overbearing. But it sounds more like confusion on her end by his behavior and responses.

I dunno, they've been together only two weeks this time around and they are already having problems? 

I'd think fresher feelings and a higher level of excitement/reassurance more than two weeks in with people whose past intimacy goes back 4 years. 

[rainbowsandroses]

55 minutes ago, yogacat said:

Thanks, I get your point too!

Thank you!  I appreciate your saying this as I do realize I may, in some member's minds, be considered somewhat of an oddball with all my talk about "distance" and such.  Lol

So thanks yoga. 💛

[ShySoul]

3 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Thank you!  I appreciate your saying this as I do realize I may, in some member's minds, be considered somewhat of an oddball with all my talk about "distance" and such.  Lol

From the king of oddballs around here, you're points on distance make total sense to me. It can be a balancing act respecting each sides need for contact and space. Trying to find that happy medium can be difficult and the cause of so many issues. And a lot of time it simply end up being impossible. 

Giving space can be the best thing to do for a relationship, or even just a friendship. Give a person a chance to cool down, to unwind on their terms. Then come back together, refreshed and focused on each other.

i certainly need by space at times, and I respect her need for it as well. Being alone together, same location but doing our own things, actually works out pretty well. And the coming together after certainly can be fun. 😉

[Jeannette80]

Well, we met and talked about it.

First of all let me say that  he is the one who wants the everyday communication and if possible meetings . So he is not pressured there. The last couple of days we didnt meet but we talked on the phone and texted each other . And that was after  the talk we had ( me feeling insecure and afraid that he will act like in the past). But i believe i should haven given  more time to see if it will happen again and then make decisions or have conclusions.

So he said that the last couple of days he needed some space to think and he also gave me the space to think what I want.  He said that he is also afraid that i might break up with him again, like in the past, but he doesnt want to let fear take over .  We both  agreed that now we talk to each other and communicate our feelings and thoughts , which we didnt do in the past . We had an honest talk,  and i saw that he is vulnerable too . 

I decided to give more time and see if i feel well in the relationship. Yes he is moody sometimes , im not sure about the depression though. He is an active person , he makes plans . He has his worries with his kids of course . But he is also caring, reaches out during the day and has good qualities as a person .

 

[ShySoul]

Hope you can work things out. Talking and communication is vital for any relationship. Maybe this go around you'll have both grown enough to do things better. Good luck.