Is it partially a partner’s responsibility to interpret correctly what is said?

[NighttimeNightmare]

Apologies if the title is confusing. Ironically so. Let me explain:

I’m going to use a situation of partnership as those tend to be close relationship dynamics. 

so, say I’m speaking to my partner and she gets hurt by something I said, but her interpretation of what I said wasn’t what I meant when I said it — it was merely what she heard and/or extrapolated from my words.  But now the damage is done. 

on one hand, I believe the Speaker has an obligation to be clear for the intended audience. But on the other hand, how the audience interprets things is, in part, going to have a lot to do with their own personal biases, issues, etc. or just the way their brain receives information regardless of how clear the Speaker is. It’s like looking at a piece of abstract art: we are all going to see different things 

So back to the main question: if a partner is hurt by my words, is it at least in part their responsibility to understand that I “didn’t mean it that way?”   I understand telling someone who is hurt that I “didn’t mean it that way” isn’t helpful, but conceptually I wonder if the onus is completely on the Speaker, or if it’s shared. 

ie: if my partner is hurt because of a misunderstanding, and I explain that how they interpreted what I said wasn’t at all what I was trying to express, and therefore they shouldn’t really be hurt by it… is it wrong to expect the partner to learn how to approximate and be able to say “I’m kind of hurt but I know that isn’t what he meant so I won’t take it that way”

 

thoughts? 

[poorlittlefish]

Exactly that, yes.  You are not responsible for someone else's perceptions or cognitive biases.  If you delivered the message in a neutral way, without using language that is likely to offend, then it's up to her how she is going to accept the message.  Remind her that people usually do and say things with the best of intentions and your intention was not to hurt her.

[catfeeder]

It depends. If someone tells me that I look like I've gained weight or my dress is ugly, they can try to tell me I've misunderstood that, but I still heard what I heard. So it might be helpful to tell us what was said, and we can tell you how we'd interpret it.

[Kwothe28]

1 hour ago, NighttimeNightmare said:

is it wrong to expect the partner to learn how to approximate and be able to say “I’m kind of hurt but I know that isn’t what he meant so I won’t take it that way”

I dont think its grounded in reality to expect a partner to read your thoughts every time and know that you didnt mean what you said. Its also highly subjectable to interpretation. Maybe what you said is really hurtful. Maybe she is more sensitive. Maybe you are the abuser. Maybe she likes to play the victim. Not saying any of it is true, just that there are far too many variables why people say something and how other people react to it just so that it can be only one answer.

Also, how is the girlfriend these days? Everything all right in that field aside of this? Have you "gone exclusive" yet or still just "wing it"? Been meaning to ask on some other thread but didnt want to go off topic. 

[NighttimeNightmare]

56 minutes ago, catfeeder said:

So it might be helpful to tell us what was said,

Here’s an example:

say my partner told me she was going to sign up for a class. I respond with “ok make sure you sign up for xyz,” she gets mad and proceeds to tell me that I make her feel stupid, like she’s doing everything wrong in terms of her choices.  I say, confused, “what? No I was just saying that because I care and I didn’t want you sign up for the wrong thing, I don’t think you’re stupid.” But it’s too late, that person already felt the pain of believing I was calling them stupid. 
 

then damage control can be applied. Where the Speaker tells in greater detail what they meant, why they said it, and the partner then goes “why didn’t you just say that in the first place?”
 

but why would someone feel stupid, if they know you don’t really think they’re stupid? Isn’t that partially on them to go “ok there’s no way he meant it that way” instead of jumping to getting offended and hurt? 
 

 

[Kwothe28]

23 minutes ago, NighttimeNightmare said:

say my partner told me she was going to sign up for a class. I respond with “ok make sure you sign up for xyz,” she gets mad and proceeds to tell me that I make her feel stupid, like she’s doing everything wrong in terms of her choices.  I say, confused, “what? No I was just saying that because I care and I didn’t want you sign up for the wrong thing, I don’t think you’re stupid.” But it’s too late, that person already felt the pain of believing I was calling them stupid. 

Keep in mind that narcissists do that thing all the time. For example, my father always does that when I say to him I want to do something or buy something. And tells me how I should do it in his way or how I shouldnt spend on that and spend on something else. It does make the other person feel like they are dumb and cant think of themselves. Not saying you do that purposefully and to make her feel stupid, just that maybe old narcissistic habits stayed there. And that you do that kind of stuff subconsciously without thinking, even if you are thinking for their own good.

Instead why dont you tell her its a good idea and that she should maybe think about xyz because they are good classes? See how that differs from "OK make sure you sign up for xyz"? One is affirmative while other is commanding.

[Batya33]

5 hours ago, NighttimeNightmare said:

So back to the main question: if a partner is hurt by my words, is it at least in part their responsibility to understand that I “didn’t mean it that way?”   I understand telling someone who is hurt that I “didn’t mean it that way” isn’t helpful, but conceptually I wonder if the onus is completely on the Speaker, or if it’s shared. 

I literally have misheard my partner's words more than once and what I thought I heard was offensive and what he said was not.  Also we joke around a lot - banter, joking, laughing.  We mean well AND you do risk misinterpretation.  Plus we are parents of a teenager so it can be stressful and we say things off the cuff -no not abusive at all! Not mean at all - but offensive -to someone who already is cranky/tired/ overwhelmed -perhaps even if it was not meant that way.  Also my partner is poor at times at how he communicates as far as choice of format - meaning he knows I don't check email as frequently as text but he'll email something time sensitive. 

Or he'll say he's going to do X - that is how I hear it -but he doesn't mean it in the way I interpreted so it's not done or not done at the appropriate time.  We also misinterpret the team approach to parenting - thinking we're being undermined in what is said or wanting what is said to our son to be said in a different way to show team work.  Plus I feel frustrated when I come second or third to the sports game or his phone etc.  When he assumes I know what's going on in the game at a pivotal moment.

But here's the thing -the "damage" is done but the damage can be moved past very quickly if the partners have trust and love in each other so that the default is - I know you meant well but you misspoke or used words you know I cannot stand, etc.  Or the speaker realizes they messed up and apologizes - and that apology if genuine should be accepted.  Then you move past the past "damage" -right?

I have absolutely said to my husband "I know you didn't mean in that way- you meant well - it came across badly and it upset me." But then you move past.  

I mean this happens in many contexts. I emailed my boss with a question I felt might not be the smartest one -like I should know already -but I didn't! She was really busy and emailed back a response that came across as if she was questioning my common sense.  I wasn't hurt badly but -yes it stung a little! So I replied normally and said "yes I did do X".  So her reply was "ok good if you did X then doing Y also is not needed".  Turns out she meant her first -quicky response to reassure me -not to question me and I misinterpreted.  So yes I felt put off/jhurt but then realized it was on me.  Absolutely her response could have been clearer but she was really busy and prioritized prompt response over careful wording.  Same in relationships IMO.

 

[rainbowsandroses]

7 hours ago, Kwothe28 said:

Keep in mind that narcissists do that thing all the time. For example, my father always does that when I say to him I want to do something or buy something. And tells me how I should do it in his way or how I shouldnt spend on that and spend on something else. It does make the other person feel like they are dumb and cant think of themselves. Not saying you do that purposefully and to make her feel stupid, just that maybe old narcissistic habits stayed there. And that you do that kind of stuff subconsciously without thinking, even if you are thinking for their own good.

Instead why dont you tell her its a good idea and that she should maybe think about xyz because they are good classes? See how that differs from "OK make sure you sign up for xyz"? One is affirmative while other is commanding.

^^Took the words @Kwothe28 I was about to post same.

In your example NN, It comes across like a "demand" versus a "suggestion" even though that was not your intention so that part is on you (or anyone).

My mom used to say to me "think before you speak."  Meaning be aware and cognizant of how our words might be received/interpreted by the other person versus our own intentions for saying what we said.   

This is still a work in progress for me personally if I'm honest.  Someday I hope it comes naturally versus having to think about it beforehand. 

I also believe it's not what you say but rather how you say it.  Tone, inflection etc so as to assure the words you express are received correctly, the way you intended.

It's all about being a good and effective communicator. 

As for the receiver/recipient, it's up to them to communicate they are hurt, confused, feel insulted by your words without being accusatory and making assumptions about what you meant in a negative way.  Or gaslight you.

Also what I have found is that sometimes like in your example NN, she may not have felt "stupid" by the words you used in that instance, but rather she may feel stupid around you in general or may believe YOU think she's stupid and used that situation to rant about/express it. 

In short, none of us are mind readers.

Communication is a two way street, so yes to answer your question NN, you are both responsible IMO.

"You" being generic.  Anyone.

[Cherylyn]

I can understand if a person needs clarification but to drag it out to the point of dramatization is too much and emotionally immature.  🤨

My husband and I've had miscommunication.  However,  once we correct by explaining,  all is well.  We don't go on and on about being hurt and upset otherwise it sounds whiny and childlike.

On the flip side,  I've had experiences when I've heard a person say, "I'm sorry you took it the wrong way" as opposed to admitting fault for the offense,  explaining why they're sorry,  explaining their wrongdoing and offering a sincere apology.  <==== That right there is downright infuriating.  😡 Don't ever tell me I took it the wrong way in order for you to deflect,  create diversion and not take accountability for you've done.  No m'am and no sir.  It's not happening and it's unacceptable.  Once I catch a whiff of these types gaslighting mind gamers,  I'm done.  You feel as if you're dealing with a truly stupid person.  

My thoughts?  It sounds like your partner is high maintenance.  It's your call.  You'll have to constantly walk on eggshells with her or you'll determine whether or not you'll last with her.  🙄

[Batya33]

7 hours ago, Kwothe28 said:

say my partner told me she was going to sign up for a class. I respond with “ok make sure you sign up for xyz,” she gets mad and proceeds to tell me that I make her feel stupid, like she’s doing everything wrong in terms of her choices.  I say, confused, “what? No I was just saying that because I care and I didn’t want you sign up for the wrong thing, I don’t think you’re stupid.”

I agree with this.  It's how you say it and how you approach next steps.  Or "sounds great -as you know I did that/my friend/colleague did that -let me know if you need suggestions on how to do "x""  It depends on what it is.  My husband did his shingles shots after I did so I felt comfortable reminding him about how to manage pain relievers before/after and hydrating/moving his arm around etc.  I know him and he's totally open to that kind of input.  But if he tells me he's going to look into "x" and I have input or suggestions I check with him in some way to make sure he wants/needs my input if he didn't ask.  

[ShySoul]

Everyone is responsible for their own actions and thoughts processes. No one can get in the head of another and see how it is being taken (at least until we can develop telepathy). 

What a person should do is constantly be learning about their partner and learn to be aware of their moods and what acts may set of an individuals triggers. It's taking the time to really know them on a personal level and get to a point of being able to sense how someone is likely to respond. Then you know how best to phrase things and avoid issues and misunderstandings in the first place.

However, when a problem inevitable arises you calmly acknowledge their feelings and apologize if they feel hurt. You tell them nothing bad was intended and clarify your point. It's about making them feel heard and understood. Hopefully they respond in kind and you let a small misunderstanding go without escalating it into a warzone.

[HoneyLOVE223]

Why do I feel like this is similar to something im going through? It’s so exhausting to constantly having to break down the meaning of what I was saying to this person, especially when you’re letting them know when their behavior is hurtful, they end up taking it like you’re being mean or attacking them. I gave up and realize that some people just think differently, a negatively that they can’t help and we can’t change. 
 

It can also be hypersensitivity.  Nothing you can do about that, any kind of explanation doesn’t help because they’re still tuning you out and overthinking every other meaning to what you said besides what you’re actually trying to explain to them. 

[rainbowsandroses]

To add to my previous about tone and "it's not what you say but how you say it" and to use an example.

One on my former bosses had a very condescending tone sometimes when he spoke.  

Instead of asking a question like "Did we receive Xxxxx's check yet"?

He'd say in an annoyed condescending tone "Didn't we receive Xxxxx's check?  Where is it"?

Suggesting we did receive but I was holding it or intentionally had not given it to him!  I often felt like an idiot! Lol

Even though I knew for a fact he did not think I was an idiot!  😀

After some time, I got to know his style so didn't take it personally but boy did it irritates me sometimes!

[ShySoul]

7 hours ago, NighttimeNightmare said:

but why would someone feel stupid, if they know you don’t really think they’re stupid? Isn’t that partially on them to go “ok there’s no way he meant it that way” instead of jumping to getting offended and hurt? 

You don't know the train of thought going on in her head. Her thinking that may have nothing to do with you. She may be feeling stupid all on her own, berating herself for something she felt she did that was stupid. She may have been critcized by someone else recently so is feeling extra sensitive to the topic. So anything that is said that in the slightest implies she is doing something wrong gets interpreted as stupid.

It's the old game of telephone. You say one thing and pass it on until the message at the end gets garbled into something completely different. Everyone filters things through their own feelings, experiences, and biases. So what you intend to say may not be heard because of what the person is going through or their on bias.

None of this says anything about either party. It's not about who is responsible for doing what. It's about caring for the other person's feelings, trying to stay calm and understanding, and working together peacefully with whatever comes up.

[catfeeder]

9 hours ago, NighttimeNightmare said:

...“make sure you ...”

..."I didn’t want you [to do] the wrong thing, "

Thanks, NN. I hear. Sometimes people can be like mine fields. Phrases like "You should..." or "Make sure you..." can strike them as an admonishment that provokes shame. And, as you've noticed, once someone floods with shame, they are not rational in that moment, they are emotional from their past, and they likely don't even realize it. They've reacted to a phrase that someone has used against them, which still to this day, causes them feel mistrusted and 'wrong' and attacked.

Is this fair to any speaker? No, but that's a rational question to an emotional reaction. In that moment, I'd respond by asking a question that forces them to tap the rational part of their brain, like, "I'm sorry for how I phrased that. I'm not implying that I don't trust your judgment. How can I fix this, can you help me?"

They might not be able to snap back into rationality in that moment, but the question lays the groundwork for them to cool down. We can never tell which people might be walking booby traps, so I've learned over time to remove the phrases above from my vocabulary as a safety measure. Instead I say something like, "You may want to consider..." or "Would you be willing to consider...?"

 

[NighttimeNightmare]

9 hours ago, Kwothe28 said:

Keep in mind that narcissists do that thing all the time.

This is the issue, I’m thinking. I was trying to make this post as a hypothetical general to try and figure out “rules” I could play by. But this really is something I’m personally going through. And I think the issue is waaaay deeper than your run of the mill “miscommunication” or a “dramatic partner” etc.  Why? Because I’ve had this issue with every single woman I’ve been with. At first, I thought they were all wrong/dramatic.  And I’d tell them to stop being dramatic/theatrical/sensitive.  Now I know those are terrible things to say and I don’t do that anymore. But now, this new person is complaining of the same things.  
 

I thought maybe I’m attracting a certain ‘type’ of person. But that can’t be it either. Because all of my friends also tell me I talk a type of way. It just doesn’t bother them because they’re not close enough to be emotionally hurt by it. So I’m realizing this is something with me esp after I let one of my friends read the chat transcripts and of another incident and she said I sound so cold and dismissive 

9 hours ago, Kwothe28 said:

Instead why dont you tell her its a good idea and that she should maybe think about xyz because they are good classes? See how that differs from "OK make sure you sign up for xyz"? One is affirmative while other is commanding.

Ya that’s what she explained to me afterwards. She said “why couldn’t you have just suggested it to me? Instead of telling me what I should do.”  
 

And to make matters worse, it wasn’t even about a “class” it was about her starting therapy so she was already feeling vulnerable telling me about it. Looking back, I had 0 empathy (not on purpose) and just barked an order at her 

and more and more I’m realizing this woman is not dramatic, it’s me. She shouldn’t have to school me on human basics. 
 

everything in me wants to just shrug and not care and say “this isn’t me. It’s not my fault you feel stupid” … but I’ve historically reacted like that and where has it gotten me? At some point I have to realize I have this same pattern, and outcome, with an array of different people.  

[rainbowsandroses]

11 hours ago, NighttimeNightmare said:

If my partner is hurt because of a misunderstanding, and I explain that how they interpreted what I said wasn’t at all what I was trying to express, and therefore they shouldn’t really be hurt by it…

JMO but telling your partner they "shouldn't" feel hurt by something you said is invalidating and may come across as gaslighting too in some cases. 

It's right up there with telling your partner they're being "too sensitive" and in most cases will not be received well.

We are all entitled to our feelings even if others don't agree.

What you (you generic) can say is "I apologize if what I said hurt you, that was not my intention."

You're not apologizing for what you said, only how they interpreted what you said (there's a difference) because again it was not your intention to hurt them. 

I am projecting a bit because it irks me to no end when a boyfriend or anyone tells me "I shouldn't feel.... a certain way."

They're MY feelings I feel what I feel. 

Simply tell them you're sorry if what you said hurt them, validate what they're feeling and either discuss or leave it. 

JMO.

[ShySoul]

2 minutes ago, NighttimeNightmare said:

and more and more I’m realizing this woman is not dramatic, it’s me. She shouldn’t have to school me on human basics.

If it helps, I've found that most people have times where there could at least use a refresher course on human basics. 😉

It's not always as easy as it should be. Sometimes we say things we shouldn't, often without even realizing it. The environments we grew up in, the people we've known, our own natural way of thinking or talking to ourselves... they all play a role in how we approach things and interact with other. Learning to step back, be extra careful before we speak, it doesn't come natural for some people.

I find your posts to be generally thoughtful and respectful. A little bit of thought and effore put into how you say things and you should be fine.

[NighttimeNightmare]

9 hours ago, Kwothe28 said:

Also, how is the girlfriend these days? Everything all right in that field aside of this? Have you "gone exclusive" yet or still just "wing it"

This is indeed about she and I, initially I was trying to write it from a general sense of a hypothetical partnership

i guess we sort of just fell into a relationship. One day we were holding hands, next thing I knew we were in a cabin together enjoying time away from the rest of the world.

Now? She keeps getting hurt by me. Nothing I can rly do now. What’s done is done. I can’t really grasp exactly where I’m wrong.  It’s too much to even get into I guess.  I’m just trying to gain better tools and teach my mind better ways to speak to people

 

[ShySoul]

1 minute ago, NighttimeNightmare said:

i guess we sort of just fell into a relationship. One day we were holding hands, next thing I knew we were in a cabin together enjoying time away from the rest of the world.

Now? She keeps getting hurt by me. Nothing I can rly do now. What’s done is done. I can’t really grasp exactly where I’m wrong.  It’s too much to even get into I guess.  I’m just trying to gain better tools and teach my mind better ways to speak to people

Congratulations on finally being with her. When it just happens like that is great feeling.

She's still with you though, right? So you messing up in this area hasn't destroyed anything. You're human and make mistakes. What matters is that you are trying to improve and communicate better. Keep showing her that you are trying and she'll understand. Be honest about it, that it's something you struggle with but want to improve.

Life's a dance you learn as you go. Sometimes you'll stumble, but keep pushing ahead and you'll pick it up eventually.

[ShySoul]

10 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

What you (you generic) can say is "I apologize if what I said hurt you, that was not my intention."

You're not apologizing for what you said, only how they interpreted what you said (there's a difference) because again it was not your intention to hurt them. 

Exactly. Often just the act of validating someone's feelings and helping them to feel heard can ease the tension and make a situation better. Everyone has the right to whatever feelings they have.

 

[NighttimeNightmare]

29 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

JMO but telling your partner they "shouldn't" feel hurt by something you said is invalidating and may come across as gaslighting too in some cases. 

It's right up there with telling your partner they're being "too sensitive" and in most cases will not be received well.

No, that’s true. I’ve gathered this much. Issue is… the logical side of my brain feels very strongly that if I didn’t mean it the way someone took it… how can they get hurt 

As I sit and analyze myself, I’ve realized I’ve done this over and over. It became an argument of me telling someone they shouldn’t be hurt cause I didn’t mean it. When in reality I’m realizing empathy and compassion was needed. Not a talk about how I’m right and she’s wrong.

in the moment it doesn’t feel like that to me. It feels like “well if I explain that I didn’t mean it it’ll make the situation better”. 
 

for me personally, I’m good at withholding emotion until I understand intent… me being on  the receiving end. But not always. I can think of situations where I was hurt by her, and she responded in a completely different way than I do her.  She didn’t mean to hurt me, or didn’t mean it the way I took it. But she never sat and argued with me about it, never gave me a speech about how she “didn’t mean it that way”. She took responsibility and apologized. Did what she needed to to make me feel better. Gave me compassion. And kindness. 
 

more and more that I think about this. I don’t even think it’s the “miscommunications” she has issues with. I think it’s how I’m handling them and the complete lack of empathy. Putting the onus on her to “interpret me correctly” and just being all around cold while she’s in pain 

[NighttimeNightmare]

1 hour ago, ShySoul said:

She's still with you though, right?

Nope. I don’t think so. Woke up one day and got  a message from her saying we need time away from each other.    Said we keep having this issue over and over. And it’s not good for her health to constantly be frustrated / hurt. She said she doesn’t want to ask me to change, I’m who I am, and she’s who she is. Said she misses me but she doesn’t see how this could ever change 
 
 

 

1 hour ago, ShySoul said:

What matters is that you are trying to improve and communicate better. Keep showing her that you are trying and she'll understand

I don’t know if I can learn to communicate better. That’s the thing. I mean… I’m not sure it’s a communication issue anymore as I sit and think. And I’ve been thinking about this for nearly 2 months now. 
 

I think humans mis communicate all of the time. That’s normal.  But I’m thinking it’s probably my need to give a speech on how I “didn’t mean it that way” instead of offering empathy. I’m trying  to learn the logical sequence that offers empathy. Like “if x then y”. My current x=I didn’t mean it , y=you shouldn’t be hurt.   That can’t be right for interpersonal things because I’m getting a bad equation as the end result. 
 

im thinking maybe it’s something like if someone is hurt, whether I meant it or not, I need to just remove the phrase “I didn’t mean it” and drop my defense and just sit with them and render aid to their wound.  But even as I type this out I just want to scream “WHAT WOUND? I didn’t mean it that way!!!!”

 

then I’m like damn… she should run far away from me. And that’s ok. I don’t want to hurt her. But I don’t want to keep doing this to people in my future. 
 

1 hour ago, ShySoul said:

Be honest about it, that it's something you struggle with but want to improve

So a few weeks ago I tried to do something very vulnerable. That I’ve never done for anyone before.  Normally when someone leaves my life I sort of just shrug and carry on. I realized that’s another bad trait I have. Begging people to stay isn’t ok, but I’m beginning to realize that sometimes just being vulnerable/open about your feelings towards someone who has shown up for you, is needed, and that doesn’t classify it as begging someone to stay.  I’m just talking about being vulnerable and being willing to share your feelings when you’re unsure of someone else’s. So after a month of introspection, I wrote her an email apologizing. Told her what she means to me, and how I’ve lacked empathy in a lot of my responses to her.  That I take responsibility for my part in the way I communicate. Etc etc.  

I was careful to really consider my reasons for writing this.  I wasn’t frantically trying to dodge the feeling of loss… I really took my time with this and considered what I was doing and why  

A couple days later she contacted me and said she was appreciative of the email, the apology, and the care and thought I put into it all. She told me she’s been feeling unwell and she asked for some time to respond properly to it. Said her being unwell isn’t an excuse not to respond but it’s just difficult with all of her dr appointments etc. and she didn’t want me to think she was ignoring me or didn’t receive it 

im not fixated on “getting her back”’or anything.  Which is also why I tried to write this initial post as a hypothetical situation. I’m just trying to learn to be better in general. 

[Kwothe28]

1 hour ago, NighttimeNightmare said:

and more and more I’m realizing this woman is not dramatic, it’s me. She shouldn’t have to school me on human basics. 

Eh, maybe. We learn social patterns through life. In essence, you didnt mean bad. Just your wording can be better for stuff like this. That you can learn yourself. It takes time to "weed out" old habits. But it can be done with some practice. Therapy could help with that too.

Also, I am not sure this is solely on you. I am sure there is a reason she goes to therapy as well and that it has nothing to do with you. When two people who have various issues find themselves, those issues come to surface after some time. After "honeymoon period", the relationship starts to define itself. You two just maybe werent for each other. Sorry. Use this period to better yourself. So maybe next time you wont repeat the same with somebody who would be for you. 

[NighttimeNightmare]

3 hours ago, Cherylyn said:

Don't ever tell me I took it the wrong

But what if you did?