I was so drunk yesterday, I feel I was taken advantage of

[Idkimconfused]

Hi everyone I’m new to this website so please bare with me! 

I went out yesterday with my friend and I was already at a good level of drunk before entering the bar, I do not remember even getting an Uber there. While that should have been my first red flag, I was too drunk to really care. Within 2 minutes of being there I met a guy and he proceeded to buy me drinks. Obviously looking back I should have not accepted them but I can’t change anything about that. 

Long story short we ended up back in my apartment and had sex. This is the part that confuses me as I am not a hook up person, I was on my period and I purposely did not shave because I knew I did not want to *** anyone. In addition I know we didn’t use a condom which is crazy as I am a huge advocate for safe sex and refuse to never not use a condom.

My memory is absolutely non existent from how I got home, to how I would have invited him to mine, and then to how I even would have even consented to sex. 

The only other parts I remember is that he asked for oral sex several times but I denied, he said “there’s blood on your sheets” no *** I was on my period, and that at one point I literally fell of the bed and just laid on the ground till he told me to get up and get back on top of him. 

i realize I’m not necessarily a victim in this case as it was my fault I drank too much, invited him to mine, and possibly gave consent?

I guess what I’m asking is could this technically be considered I was taken advantage of the fact I was drunk or should I not even worry as it’s the consequences of my actions. 
 

Please understand I am aware I drank way too much and have decided to steer away from alc for the next bit. 

[NighttimeNightmare]

I’m not qualified to touch this one but I will say this: be careful not to ever take the blame for someone else’s actions.  Going forward, be mindful and take care of yourself.  Do not go out drunk, and do not allow someone to get you this drunk. There are predators all around us, every day, waiting for an opportunity to strike. 

my sister went out with her friend not long ago, her friend got hammered, when my sister came out from the restroom her friend was gone. When she located her she found a man trying to shove her into his vehicle. Luckily she escaped. It was the same car they had saw earlier driving around the establishment — he was waiting and watching. 
 

The world is not a safe place, I wish it were, but it simply isn’t.   Take care of yourself. 

[MissCanuck]

2 hours ago, Idkimconfused said:

or should I not even worry as it’s the consequences of my actions. 

Worry about what, exactly? 

If this qualifies as sexual assault? Forgive my bluntness, by the way. I am trying to understand what your question really is. 

[DarkCh0c0]

He very much did.

The alcohol, if you're not used to it, can make you lose your inhibitions and get you into the wrong hands.

You did put yourself in a vulnerable spot, BUT you did NOT sign up for his behaviour. You did not consent as an aware adult. He took advantage of a drunk woman and got you more drunk so he can get you in bed and assault you. He's a terrible person.

I would seek a trauma informed therapist and confide to trusted friends to gather some support. If you have it in you, report the guy to the authorities.

I'm so sorry this happened to you.

[Kwothe28]

Depends from what side you are looking at it. In the eyes of the law he certainly wasnt a gentleman and you do have a case for sexual assault because you couldnt consent as you were drunk. In the eyes of a personal responsibility, maybe you shouldnt drink that much, nore accept drinks from strangers to the point they can take you home and take advantage. 

[Batya33]

You chose to get drunk and chose the consequences of putting yourself at high risk of danger.  You did not consent to intercourse if you were too drunk to consent. Please get yourself tested ASAP and maybe do a rape kit or whatever the procedure is if that is possible.  This person might be a person who would do this again to someone else.

Please stop drinking to excess especially when you're out in public like that.  You're lucky to be alive.  Remember uber is relatively safe but if you are choosing to be drunk in an uber you are a target for those drivers who are not safe. Or you could get in the wrong car.

[Starlight925]

I'm not going to chastise you because I've been there.  I've put myself in vulnerable positions such as this and later questioned their actions as well as my own.

Yes, he took advantage of a young woman out trying to have a good time.  And yes, you put yourself in that position by allowing yourself to get drunk enough to go back to his place.  

No lecturing here, as I can tell my own stories.

You're obviously aware now of what happened, and the best you can do is to realize that, despite your best intentions of safe sex, having a good safe time, taking Ubers instead of driving, etc., you made some mistakes which unfortunately made you a target for this a-hole who took an opportunity.

Best thing to do now is remember as much as you can about this night so that you can ensure it doesn't happen again.

I, too, have made the "oh I'm taking an Uber so I can drink more" drinking mistake.  I've gotten home some nights, not remembering how I got home.  I've awakened in the morning, panicked because I can't remember if I have my purse.  I left my phone in an Uber one night and had to make a panicked call to the driver in the morning, who kindly returned it to me.  

Think about your "one too many" drinking triggers.  Is it mixing types of alcohol?  Beer, then wine, then mixed drinks?  Is it "I'm having such a good time, one more?" etc?  For me, it's always the last drink that does me in.  I was out with a friend recently, and we split a chocolate martini at the end of our night, and when she got up, she almost fell over.  At the table, she seemed fine.  

Just learn from this and know that yes, I agree with you:  That guy's a jerk who took advantage of you.  

Reading that he was not only upset that there was blood on the sheets, but that he forcibly pulled you back up to the bed to "finish the job" is harrowing, and I'm sorry this occurred.

 

[AuthenticSelf]

On 8/25/2024 at 5:55 PM, Idkimconfused said:

I guess what I’m asking is could this technically be considered I was taken advantage of the fact I was drunk or should I not even worry as it’s the consequences of my actions. 

He can be drunk too, just like you. 

Not 100% he is taking advantage of you.

[TeeDee]

You were not capable of consent.   That doesn't mean that anybody will be able to successfully prosecute him for assault.  You can make a report if you like & that will make you feel better. 

You should worry about what happened.  Step 1 take some Plan B medication if you can get it where you are & it's not too late.  Step 2 make a doctor's appointment to get checked for STDs.  Step 3  talk to the friends you went out with to get a better handle on what happened & how you can all prevent something like that from happening again.  Step 4 take a long hard look in the mirror & examine your relationship with alcohol. 

 

Best wishes.  

[catfeeder]

I can only speak for myself. I'd make the decision that's best for me to live with.

If I want to decide that I've been taken advantage of, how will that serve me going forward? What would I want to do about that, what might those consequences be, and am I willing to deal with those? If I believe that I've been victimized, would that set me up to view myself as forever being at the mercy of others throughout my future?

If I want to decide that I'm responsible for the consequences of my own consumption and the mindlessness that resulted, how will that serve me going forward? Can I use this experience as a pivotal learning moment that changes my behaviors, especially my drinking, and actually builds my confidence going forward that I will never position myself badly again?

We all get to choose our own perceptions and what we will DO with those. Will we operate in our own best interests and take beneficial go-forward measures, or will we disempower ourselves and make our world smaller as a permanent outcome?

Regardless of what I choose, as advised above, I'd take a Plan B treatment and get tested for STI's. My heart goes out to you, and I hope you'll feel free to write more if it helps.

[Cherylyn]

It sounds like date rape.  ☹️ 

I hope you're more careful in the future.  Never be at the wrong place at the wrong time. 

Drinking is always at your own risk.  Either you'll feel tipsy or a man could spike your beverage.  Unless he's videotaped,  you can't prove anything. 

You will be taken advantage of while you're woozy and weak.  😖

A safeguard will be to always be with someone such as a friend or friends.  Never be alone. 

Also,  think about your lifestyle.  Certain lifestyles set you up for danger. 

[yogacat]

Well technically, a person cannot give consent if they are under the influence of alcohol or drugs. So, in that sense, he did take advantage of the situation. 

Does it feel like 100% it was not entirely consensual to you? You said it feels like you were taken advantage of. And, he certainly sounded like a rude opportunistic dude. Incoherent consent is not really consent, legally. Bottom line, he knew he was having sex with a drunk woman, when he himself was not incapacitated the same way. 

If he was a classy guy with you being as drunk as you were, he would have not tried buying you more drinks or getting you out of there for various reasons.

I too have not put myself in the safest of situations and I thank my lucky stars nothing worse ever happend.

I'm glad you're okay. This could be a chance to review things you're not comfortable with. 

Take care when you go out. Male or female, you could be taken advantage of. 

Yes, you know the errors on your part, you had too much, drank too fast before you got to the bar. Was it the best thing for you, not, now you go forward.

[ShySoul]

Yes you were taken advantage of. If that raises to the level of sexual assault/rape is a murky subject that depends on the laws and rulings of whereever you are located.

The key issue is consent. Clear consent must be given at each step along the way. If you were too drunk to rationally give that consent, then it could be considered rape. 

What sticks out to me is that he knew you were already drunk but proceeded to buy you even more drinks. There could be a case made that he was intentionally trying to get you to the point where you're judgement was so impaired that he could take advantage of you and you wouldn't even remember it, which is basically what happened. He also seems to have been in better shape then you while it was happening.

If you are concerned, call for help and advice on what to do next. Find a local number or center that deals with this issue. See if you can get a rape kit to be safe. Regardless of how this would be classified, you had unprotected sex with a stranger while really drunk. Look after your health and make sure you are ok. STDs, pregnancy - there are possible consequences that you should be considering at this moment. 

Hopefully you will be okay. But use this as a lesson. Watch what you drink and don't put yourself in this position again. It's okay to make this mistake. Just learn from it going forward.

https://rainn.org/resources

https://duilawfirmdenver.com/denver-dui-information/can-sexual-assault-occur-if-both-parties-were-drunk/