Current girlfriend

[Capttrae]

We’ve been officially dating now about 8 months. Around the farm she’s dang good help, throws around bags of seed, fertilizer, and feed like it ain’t nothin, learning to back a trailer, that’s still a work in progress but she’s gettin there, jumps out opens and closes gates, she’s good when it comes to punching cows and such, she’ll hang a set in a heart beat, don’t mind gettin dirty, kills, skins and cooos good deer. Like I said she’s dang good help.

    But she drives me literally insane, every hitch about every three / four days she’s got some kind of emergency that I’ve got to talk her through. I said something , I didn’t say something, I liked something on fb / IG/ etc I didn’t like something on one of them, she had a bad dream, on and on and on. Now she’s finally come clean and said she  wants  more than just dating. 
  My reply was umm no, not happening, she’s got a 19 year old son, don’t work, no drivers license, just lays around the house all day and lifts weights. Plus everything she’s worked for is down there. Say what you want but 19 is a grown man. If he was in school I’d get it but he’s not. My son was workin a mans job at 15 like I was, after highschol did 4 years of college, finishes his masters up next month and starts his doctorette program come January. Ain’t no way am I takin in a bum. Reckon it’s time to let this one go.

[yogacat]

Are you dating this woman or hiring her? Calling her "good help" is hardly complimentary. It sounds like an ornery old man with a vintage, throwback sexist mentality. She's not a barn hand or a ranch hand. 

Yes, let her go. 

You're not 100% invested so it's not fair to her or the son. I think if you were deeply in love with this woman that you would accept her son but with reasonable expectations: Work, go to school, etc.

As for the overreaction and melodrama, a person like this can be exhausting. Being in a good relationship brings so much to your life, fulfillment, love, experiences. If the drama is outweighing these important aspects, YES, time to move on. 

[Capttrae]

21 minutes ago, yogacat said:

She is good help, dang good help and I appreciate her for it. Most women I’ve dated won’t get their hand dirty let alone skin a deer, sling feed or wear much boots with shorts and get muddy if need be, help plant or nothin else. There ain’t nothin insulting about it. When I’m at home I’m either in the woods, in the swamp or doing some kind of work that needs catchin up on while I’ve been away at work (I work 8-10 week hitches on supply boats in the oilfield) and listen she’s right there step for step not complaining a bit from way before daylight to after dark. It takes a lot to keep up with me and I get it and to find a woman that can do that is sayin something. So no ma’am it’s not insulting at all. 
  As for the son, there again no ma’am ain’t happening, I was raised workin, have raised my son workin, ain’t fixin to have some slacker livin at my house. Idc how much I think of his momma that’s not happening.

[ShySoul]

What you dislike about her: Her son. The fact that she actually wants a relationship and shares her feelings.

What you like about her: She's an extra set of hands for the labor.

This isn't a relationship, it's never been. It's you taking advantage of her to do work on the farm. 

Let her go. Give her the freedom to find someone who will respect her and actually care to listen and be there for her when she needs help or someone to listen to her. That is part of being in a relationship, being there to calm a person's fears and help them with what is bothering them. If you love, or even like someone, you want to uplift their spirits, not get irritated at them for having normal human feelings and concerns.

[yogacat]

12 minutes ago, Capttrae said:

She is good help, dang good help and I appreciate her for it. Most women I’ve dated won’t get their hand dirty let alone skin a deer, sling feed or wear much boots with shorts and get muddy if need be, help plant or nothin else. There ain’t nothin insulting about it. When I’m at home I’m either in the woods, in the swamp or doing some kind of work that needs catchin up on while I’ve been away at work (I work 8-10 week hitches on supply boats in the oilfield) and listen she’s right there step for step not complaining a bit from way before daylight to after dark. It takes a lot to keep up with me and I get it and to find a woman that can do that is sayin something. So no ma’am it’s not insulting at all. 
  As for the son, there again no ma’am ain’t happening, I was raised workin, have raised my son workin, ain’t fixin to have some slacker livin at my house. Idc how much I think of his momma that’s not happening.

I'm not suggesting you're wrong for not wanting to support this woman and her son because it's not in your heart of hearts to do so. It's also not fair to string her along and it's not like you didn't know about a son before hand. You've been dating her for eight months and now that she wants more you realize you have more reservations than you are willing to overlook or be involved with. 

You're talk of her being "good help" still rubs me the wrong way. Who she is as a person is so much more than her ability to skin a deer or throw around bags of feed. In any event, when you accept the whole person, you accept them AND their baggage. If you're not willing to accept her son, then she's not the right person for you.

Yes, it's time to let her go. Be honest and communicate clearly. Don't make it about her son or her lifestyle, just explain that you have different expectations for a relationship and that you don't see a long-term future together. Wish her well and move on. It's better to do it now than to waste both of your time.

[Capttrae]

Here’s another thing, up until about 2 weeks ago she was sayin she was fine with the arrangement we have, she lives about 90 mins away, she’s got her life / friends / family / career down there. When I’m off she either comes up on a Saturday afternoon after work and stays until Tuesday morning before going back to work or I go down there for a few days. We’ve had this discussion time and time again, both sayin we are happy with it, don’t have no desire to live together / get married / joint checking etc. 

  When she has the meltdowns I do my best to fix whatever it is that I have or have not done or said. I don’t let her know it bothers me that she gets it in her noggin that I’m doin her wrong. I’m on a boat with 12 other dudes, so I do my best to be patient and reassure her. 
 

 Her son though, yea that’s a no go for me, she keeps sayin she’s going to make him get a job / license/ etc. but she don’t, he may go work for his granny for a couple days, enough to go buy a roll of dip then that’s it. I just can’t abide that. 

[shouldhavelearned]

Find someone else

[NighttimeNightmare]

I can’t stop reading this in Eugene’s voice from TWD. 

 

Anyway. So you like her and you’re in a relationship with her. But she’s pushing for more — meaning marriage? And you’re having doubts because she makes you feel you can’t do anything right, over trivial things like social media likes etc, and her son is sort of like dead weight. Is this correct? 
 

I’d probably move on from it. Her son isn’t a little child so the dynamic she has with him she herself helped create and that’s not going to change. The nagging is unlikely to change either and contempt is a relationship killer. 

[yogacat]

That's fine.

She was happy with where the relationship was initially and now she's not. She's expressed that she wants "more."

As for her son, you are not obligated to take him on as your responsibility. It's a reasonable expectation for a parent to want their child to be self-sufficient and work towards success, but her choice. She may go on to find someone that accepts her and her son as a package deal.

Really, the only good qualities you've cited are that she's "good help" and can keep up with your demanding lifestyle. Nothing about her as a person, her intelligence, her sense of humor, her kindness, her compassion, or other character traits.

What's kept you in it for 8 months? 

Whatever it was, be kind when you break up. You're doing the best thing for both of you to move on.

[Kwothe28]

3 hours ago, Capttrae said:

Now she’s finally come clean and said she  wants  more than just dating. 
  My reply was umm no, not happening

Then why are you with her at all Yellowstone Man? Its clear you both want different stuff. She wants marriage and you dont want to be a father of her son and take responsibility over that. So its clear you want different stuff.

[Butterbea]

Leave you both have ran the course of the relationship. And I agree with ya on the 19 yr old, if she wants a big man baby. Let them.be happy. She wants more and you don't want the whole package and that's fine 

[Capttrae]

3 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

Then why are you with her at all Yellowstone Man? Its clear you both want different stuff. She wants marriage and you dont want to be a father of her son and take responsibility over that. So its clear you want different stuff.

He’s 19 and has a father. I’ve raised mine and my ex’s son. That’s enough child raisin. I told her all this when we got together. Plus for me it’s time to work a lot, sock back the cash, do my bucket list hunts by the time I’m 50, then continue to work these stupid long hitches then get out of the oilfield by the time I’m 60-62, I had explained all this to her, in detail. And she was ok with it. 
 The plan I thought we had was I would work out  here until I was 60ish, come home, by that time we’d have the farm totally self sufficient and generating enough income to support us and my cousin, she’d move up and just roll on from there.

[MissCanuck]

It is time to break up. 

You want different things now. Set her (and yourself) free. 

[DarkCh0c0]

2 hours ago, NighttimeNightmare said:

can’t stop reading this in Eugene’s voice from TWD

I keep reading this with an American southern accent 😆

OP, what are you exactly looking for? Validation?

You seem convinced of your decision and it sounds fitting to the situation.

[ShySoul]

Why the fixation on the son? You've said more about him then the woman you were dating. You weren't in the relationship with him.

And the only thing you like about her is the fact that she works for you. You've not said anything else nice about her, only complained about her.

If you want to date someone who you never see other then when she is doing manuel labor, this is not the person. So don't date her. 

I wish you well with finding a woman who would be comfortable with such an arrangement, though I suspect you will have some trouble with that.

[Capttrae]

43 minutes ago, ShySoul said:

Why the fixation on the son? You've said more about him then the woman you were dating. You weren't in the relationship with him.

And the only thing you like about her is the fact that she works for you. You've not said anything else nice about her, only complained about her.

If you want to date someone who you never see other then when she is doing manuel labor, this is not the person. So don't date her. 

I wish you well with finding a woman who would be comfortable with such an arrangement, though I suspect you will have some trouble with that.

To answer your question. The fixation on her son being an absolute bum is a) he’s grown b) if she was to move in she’d want him to come and so we go back to him being a bum that don’t work / drive/ go to any kind of secondary education wether it’s trade school / college or some kind of apprenticeship so he can become a functioning adult. I wouldn’t allow my son to do such as that I sure as anything ain’t going to allow that to go on at my house, not with me being at work 8-10 weeks at a time to pay the bills. 
   She’s part of the planning process to make this farm into a place where we raise / hunt / catch our own meat and produce our own vegetables / fruit / dairy products as well as giving us an income, all that takes work, if she won’t pitch in and get dirty then there’s no reason for her to be involved. 
 What else yea she’s got a big heart, she is a super nice person, but with that she also lets her head run away and get all twisted if she even thinks I’ve done something wrong. And it only happens when I’m at work, how in the crap am I suspposed to do anything out her I’m stuck on a boat 120 miles out in the Gulf of Mexico for 10 weeks, then I’ve got to spend 3-4 days reassuring her, then she’ll apologize. I hate to sound crude but when I’m at work I don’t have time for that. I’m the captain on here, if I mess up and hit a rig, load the boat wrong etc etc etc, people don’t go home to their families .

[waffle]

14 hours ago, yogacat said:

What's kept you in it for 8 months? 

Well she IS dang good help.

All I'm reading is how OP wants to take but he has nothing (that he wants) to give.  Honestly, just put an ad online for farm help and end things with the girlfriend and her son.

 

[Capttrae]

54 minutes ago, waffle said:

Well she IS dang good help.

All I'm reading is how OP wants to take but he has nothing (that he wants) to give.  Honestly, just put an ad online for farm help and end things with the girlfriend and her son.

 

That and I’ve been on the boat at work for 7 of the 8 months

[Jaunty]

Do you feel that you have anything you're willing to give in this relationship?   

Since you've been on the boat for 7 out of 8 months - are you completely dependent upon her taking care of everything on your farm on her own?  Do you pay her for farmsitting?

[Capttrae]

7 minutes ago, Jaunty said:

Do you feel that you have anything you're willing to give in this relationship?   

Since you've been on the boat for 7 out of 8 months - are you completely dependent upon her taking care of everything on your farm on her own?  Do you pay her for farmsitting?

She don’t live with me yet. She just comes up when I’m off. 

[smackie9]

You are right to let her go....her and her son is a package deal PLUS, even tho she has pretty good work ethic from what you have described...passing on those teachings, she has not...and that's where the incompatibility lies. You both raised children differently and that says a lot about the both of you.

[ShySoul]

6 hours ago, Capttrae said:

I wouldn’t allow my son to do such as that I sure as anything ain’t going to allow that to go on at my house, not with me being at work 8-10 weeks at a time to pay the bills. 

He's not your son. So why waste all this mental energy getting angry with him? It's not going to change him and it's not going to help you. Spend that time and energy on something more productive, like getting real quality, paid help for the farm.

Everyone is entitled to live the life they choose to live, even if you disagree with it. Let him live his life, you don't have to be involved. And you can live your life.

Likewise, you aren't in a relationship with her. You want separate things, so just cut it off and devote your time to the farm that you clearly love more then either of these people.

 

[catfeeder]

4 hours ago, smackie9 said:

You are right to let her go....her and her son is a package deal PLUS, even tho she has pretty good work ethic from what you have described...passing on those teachings, she has not...and that's where the incompatibility lies. You both raised children differently and that says a lot about the both of you.

Exactly what I think, too. Cap, you have every right to your concerns about any and every aspect of this relationship that bothers you. 

[SooSad33]

On 8/25/2024 at 12:13 AM, Capttrae said:

When she has the meltdowns I do my best to fix whatever it is that I have or have not done or said. I don’t let her know it bothers me that she gets it in her noggin that I’m doin her wrong. I’m on a boat with 12 other dudes, so I do my best to be patient and reassure her. 
 

 Her son though, yea that’s a no go for me, she keeps sayin she’s going to make him get a job / license/ etc. but she don’t, he may go work for his granny for a couple days, enough to go buy a roll of dip then that’s it. I just can’t abide that. 

Then you two are not compatible. Simple.

She's NOT measuring up to YOUR standards. She needs to 'vent' or seek assurance on occasion and you can't give her that.

As for her son, he's really not your problem!  Whatever is going on with him is her problem to deal with. Hey I had 4 kids and each of them are different. But I love them all for who they are.. Mine! 🙂 ❤️ .

Then be honest with her and admit you're 'not feeling it'.

Don't waste her time.

[Capttrae]

5 hours ago, SooSad33 said:

Then you two are not compatible. Simple.

She's NOT measuring up to YOUR standards. She needs to 'vent' or seek assurance on occasion and you can't give her that.

As for her son, he's really not your problem!  Whatever is going on with him is her problem to deal with. Hey I had 4 kids and each of them are different. But I love them all for who they are.. Mine! 🙂 ❤️ .

Then be honest with her and admit you're 'not feeling it'.

Don't waste her time.

Got to get off the boat first, she deserves better than a break up by text, besides that’s just a cowardly way of doing it