Husband manhood pride he rather sacrifice quality time with me.

[been14years]

Him take his mom to Dialysis is not that daunting as it seem, I'm just jealous over his mom that she get time with him.

I am in California, his mom Private Nursing home is literally 5 minutes drive to the Hospital Outpatient Center where she get her Dialysis.

There a reason why he choose that PRIVATE Nursing home for his mom because it right there near a big Medical center care, so anything happen to his mom she can get there within 5 minutes ambulance drive.

And we don't live far from her neither, 15 minutes drive from the Nursing home. My husband purposely choose that Private Nursing home so she can be near us, so he can also be there if anything emergency happen to her.

It not that daunting that he took her to Dialysis, I'm just being unreasonable and jealous of his mother.

[been14years]

I  did wrote in the last page that beside sex and shower with him and eat with him and sleep with him.

On his 3 days where he not have to take his mom to Dialysis, he took me to places together.

He is a huge shooting range guns hobby, he took me and teach me to shoot at outdoor shooting range. Also archery bow and arrow he teach me. He just look me to go to the movies theater. Go to Chinatown and eat seafood. I have unlimited shopping spree but I don't like the mall.  I prefer Chinatown where it has my culture.

He let me choose whereever I want to go on the 3 days he not have to take his mom to Dialysis. I say the location he drive me there.

That is quality time. It just I only get it 3 days out of the week, because 4 days is he take his mom to Dialysis.

I demand all 7 days instead.

I am the one being unreasonable here, as I am the HEALTHY wife, while his mom has terminal illness.

No man is obligate to give you 7 days of their time including a husband, he has his own life too, his life does not spin around a wife, If he see that take his mom to Dialysis is fit, then he does that. He not obligate to glue to me like sticky glue for 7 days a week.

I am being unreasonable, not him.

 

 

[TeeDee]

Try reminding him that just as it's a son's duty to care for mom, it's a wife's duty to care for husband & that you want to help.  Can you get some sort of job to defray the costs?  

Is mom entitled to any benefits like Medicaid so she can keep the private duty nurse & whatever else your husband wants for her but defray the costs?  

Can you research lower cost alternatives for mom's care?  I'm not saying skimp on mom but if facility A charges one amount but facility B is 10% cheaper can we move mom to facility B?  

Your demand that he spend 7 days with you is unreasonable under the circumstances.  You are already getting 3 days.   If you want to spend time with him go to the dialysis.  

[Batya33]

On 8/26/2024 at 11:56 PM, been14years said:

No man is obligate to give you 7 days of their time including a husband, he has his own life too, his life does not spin around a wife, If he see that take his mom to Dialysis is fit, then he does that. He not obligate to glue to me like sticky glue for 7 days a week.

I am being unreasonable, not him.

If that's your conclusion so be it. No husband or wife is obligated to give any time, any amount of time or any particular time to their partner -it's not an obligation - it's because they want to give time.  The obligation in the marriage vows is to love, honor, respect, for better or for worse. 

Spending time together is one way to show love.  What about spouses who travel regularly - (my husband does and did when we had a newborn) - for work -or couples who take separate vacations -they're not breaking some "obligation" they simply have chosen to spend time together in a different way than a couple who either don't have to work or work close to home.  I do think we commit to better or for worse which means flexibility and humility.  Not to the extent of feeling resentful and angry but yes, flexible.  My husband left me and our 6 year old for 5 days to be with his father during surgery 800 miles away. At a time when my son was acting up in school and constantly had colds/fever whatever.  Well the 5 days became 18 days - because there were complications from the surgery.  I said nothing - barely asked him for an update as to when he thought he might be back.  Didn't tell him how much his son missed him and that he feared his daddy might not come back.  I wasn't working outside the home but I was interviewing.  Or  trying to. 

There were many many other times when I solo parented so he could care for his aging and disabled parents. I signed up for that -I knew the situation before we married, when we relocated for his job.  So I tried not to complain.  It was really really hard and I was in my 40s and had recovered from a postpartum stroke. 

Sometimes I put my foot down like when he wanted to leave for a couple of hours to chauffer a distant relative visiting his parents when we spent time in our hometown.  After having been running around for his parents the day before.  But usually I respected that he was an only child, very close with his parents and wanted to care for them. I sat with his mother once a week for several hours for the months she was in hospice so my husband could have a break.  She was mostly in a coma.  I did that for him and our family. 

You figure out what your boundaries are and please don't beat yourself up.  It's really hard! We're in our late 50s now with a teenager and only my mother is still alive. 

[ShySoul]

On 8/26/2024 at 8:44 PM, been14years said:

My husband is my husband, he does his. I can't force him. If the role was reverse to the woman me, it be an uproar.

The main question in my OP is I asked how to get him to accept my inheritance.

You already answered your question. You say you can't force him. You say you are the one being unreasonable. You accept his need for this manhood in every other way. So you have already accepted he will not accept it. Yet you still want to know how to get him to accept it.

You have to make up your mind. If you are truly okay with how he is, then let him do what he wants. If you aren't okay with, tell him and demand you have a say as well. It's your relationship and you're call, but that's all it comes down to.

On 8/26/2024 at 8:56 PM, been14years said:

No man is obligate to give you 7 days of their time including a husband, he has his own life too, his life does not spin around a wife,

Likewise, no woman is obligated to give into the demands of her husband. She should have her own life too, her life not revolving around him. 

[AuthenticSelf]

Just to clarify, in case I get this wrong. 

Do you hate it because of your husband put his mom above you or because he did not want your inheritance help and rather work 84 hours a week?

[been14years]

36 minutes ago, AuthenticSelf said:

Just to clarify, in case I get this wrong. 

Do you hate it because of your husband put his mom above you or because he did not want your inheritance help and rather work 84 hours a week?

Thank you Sir for the question.

I don't mind he care for his mom, what I don't like is his manhood pride too high. 

Last time I brought it up to him that I want to use my inheritance to help with the burden of his mom, then he get defensive. He said his mom is not a burden, and he will never use a penny of a woman's money. He just can't get pass his manhood pride.

I guess I use the wrong word when call his mom a burden, as he never see his mom a burden in any way. He is a very filial son, he not mind at all to care for his mom (pay for her Private Nursing home and medical care).

I do not know why his manhood pride is so high, other than his childhood.

His childhood his father was a stay at at home dad raised him, while his mom was the one that bring in the money breadwinner. I do not know if his dad taught him grow up don't follow his dad footstep, or maybe personally to his dad his dad was ashamed to be stay at home dad and live off a woman's money.

His dad was the one raised him, so his dad has a huge influence on shape up his mindset.

In his adulthood, he must be the 100% breadwinner. Hee must be the "man" of the house, the leader of the household, his masculine dominant mindset in bed and outside of bed. He just very traditional. NEVER once in the 14 years with him he ever touch a penny of my money like he says.

Regarding my inheritance, let me explain, right now he has to work 80 hours a week in order to have enough money to pay for his mom Private Nursing home and medical care, he carry this alone all his shoulders.

IF he accept my inheritance help, like if I can pay one year of Nursing home for her or pay for half, then he only has to work 50 hours instead, and he will have more sleep and rest.

But he just adamant about will not use a penny of a woman's money. I do not know how to approach this, maybe I try another approach like if I lend him the money as loan, and he has to pay me back. Not that I want him to pay me back, he is my husband, but this is a way so his manhood pride won't be as much offended.

Any insight you can give me Sir? Thank you so much.

[AuthenticSelf]

3 hours ago, been14years said:

Thank you Sir for the question.

I don't mind he care for his mom, what I don't like is his manhood pride too high. 

Last time I brought it up to him that I want to use my inheritance to help with the burden of his mom, then he get defensive. He said his mom is not a burden, and he will never use a penny of a woman's money. He just can't get pass his manhood pride.

I guess I use the wrong word when call his mom a burden, as he never see his mom a burden in any way. He is a very filial son, he not mind at all to care for his mom (pay for her Private Nursing home and medical care).

I do not know why his manhood pride is so high, other than his childhood.

His childhood his father was a stay at at home dad raised him, while his mom was the one that bring in the money breadwinner. I do not know if his dad taught him grow up don't follow his dad footstep, or maybe personally to his dad his dad was ashamed to be stay at home dad and live off a woman's money.

His dad was the one raised him, so his dad has a huge influence on shape up his mindset.

In his adulthood, he must be the 100% breadwinner. Hee must be the "man" of the house, the leader of the household, his masculine dominant mindset in bed and outside of bed. He just very traditional. NEVER once in the 14 years with him he ever touch a penny of my money like he says.

Regarding my inheritance, let me explain, right now he has to work 80 hours a week in order to have enough money to pay for his mom Private Nursing home and medical care, he carry this alone all his shoulders.

IF he accept my inheritance help, like if I can pay one year of Nursing home for her or pay for half, then he only has to work 50 hours instead, and he will have more sleep and rest.

But he just adamant about will not use a penny of a woman's money. I do not know how to approach this, maybe I try another approach like if I lend him the money as loan, and he has to pay me back. Not that I want him to pay me back, he is my husband, but this is a way so his manhood pride won't be as much offended.

Any insight you can give me Sir? Thank you so much.

OK, to make sure I understand this right. The result you want is he accept your inheritance help but his manhood pride won't be as much offended for using a penny of a woman's money. 

Keep in mind that your inheritance help can be anything else not just money. 

Is that what you would like to achieve as a final outcome? 

 

[shouldhavelearned]

So when he retires and the mom has passed, he'll never use your money.

 

 

What will you use it for?

Your children, individual travel, gifts, charity.

 

At some point his selfishness needs to end for both of you to be happier.

[been14years]

Well I do have an update, I don't think I'm getting anywhere with him, but at least a little improvement that he agreed to work less hours if his mom is still alive when 2026 roll around which the doctor said she has 2 years left.

I talked to him earlier.
And he agreed his schedule is not sustainable in the long run, which he has been doing for 4 years. But that what needed to pay for his mom Private Nursing home and medical care.

California tax is very high, he took on a project early this year too. He makes more than 200K a year BUT after California tax he only bring home 185K take home, and 150K go straight to his mom.

He can't change his 80 hours work now, as the schedule already set for the remaining of the year and his project he took on will last till end of 2025, so neither way, he has to finish this project at his work, period.

The doctors said his mom have 2 years left due to her kidney failure, but if his mom still alive in 2016, he said he will work less, but he will still pay for his mom Private Nursing home and medical are WITHOUT touch my inheritance.

And if by him work less hours, not enough money to pay for his mom Private Nursing home and medical care, he said he will withdrawal his 401ks and IRAs which mean there be a percentage of penalty, but he has to do what he has to do to continue have enough money for his mom care.

and he will NOT touch my inheritance. He admit that he fulfill his son duty, but he not doing a good job of his husband duty to me, by not spend enough time with me. So he said once his project is over, he will work less. BUT I still no No say on him care for his mom.

He is determine to care for his mom till her last days continue pay for her Private Nursing home and medical care, continue to however many years she has left.

I give up. He will do things HIS ways anyways.
He is stubborn, he rather withdrawal his 401ks and IRAs to continue pay for his mom care, than accept my inheritance help.

But till end of 2025 when his project done, he will work less and more time with me.

Anyhoo thank you for all the advice/input help. Appreciated.