Husband manhood pride he rather sacrifice quality time with me.

[been14years]

Me [F40] Husband [M39] has a Master in Chemical Engineering, makes 185K a year take home after tax. He the type of man that take pride in be the provider, that just how he put his self-worth, on his career and be the provider. During his proposal to our marriage, he very clear said: "Why does he wants his wife to work when he makes enough for his wife to stay home."

Yes, I have to say this so you get the gist of how his mindset is and his manhood pride. We are married 12 years, together 14 years.

4 years ago his mom whom old (over 80 years old) had a hemorrhagic stroke that leave her quadriplegia paralyze. He is the only son (his father and his older sister both deceased),

Since his mom stroke happened for the past 4 years, he has been working 12 hours a day, 84 hours a week, just so he has enough money to pay for her PRIVATE Nursing Home where she can get one to one care with doctors and a team or nurses care for her full time around the clock, and pay for her medical care.

Private Nursing Home with a team or nurses care for an elderly whom quadriplegia paralyze all around the clock are not in any way cheap. Basically 85% of his working income go straight to his mom care.

He told me he loves me very much but he wants me to understand that he only has ONE mother, he cannot not care for her. I get it I do. BUT him working 84 hours a week since his mom stroke is him taking out quality time of us.

I have inheritance from my Chinese businessman father, both my parents already deceased, they lave half the money to me and half to my older brother. I do have a decent inheritance. I want to use it to help my husband at least help pay for some of her Private Nursing home, so he can work less hours, and more time with me.

He get defensive that it is not my job to care for his mom, he not want to burden me, it is HIS job as he is her biological son. And he never want a penny help from a woman's money. But I am his wife though. Basically his manhood pride.

I love my husband, but this is hard, he gone12 hours a day, so 84 hours a week he gone. And he also take his quadriplegia paralyze mother to Dialysis too 4x times a week, and each time Dialysis is 4-5 hours process, so 20 more hours a week total. So total of him gone 100 hours a week from me.

I don't know how to get him to swallow his manhood pride, and accept my inheritance money to help his mom, so he can work less hours.

========

In all fairness to him, he still is a devoted husband like how he always been in the last 12 years as a husband, he still does laundry, he dotes me to the point he literally handwash my underwear.

He work in Petroleum-chemical process plant, his clothes smell like hazardous chemicals after, he shower after work, and he always want me to join him (it has nothing to do with sex as we never have shower sex).
In the shower he literally kneels down on his knee and cleans and rubs my feet and calves. And wash my hair, he even comb my hair after shower.
I guess because he 14 inches taller than me so he has to kneel down on his knee to rubs my feet and calves.

He did it again this morning, while he kneel on his knee rubs my calves he apologized to me that he has to take his mom to Dialysis later, and that he knows I want more time with him, but this is the remaining time has left with his mom in this world.
He work nights too so after he takes his mom to her 5 hours Dialysis, he only has few hours to breath before he has to go to work again. Rise repeat.

I hate it, how he sweet to me but then put his mom above me.

He still desire me to has sex with him, we still have sex regularly, right now it every other day, especially on the days he not take his mom to Dialysis, he can even go two rounds of sex with me.

I just hate it that he is an awesome husband, but because of his manhood pride, he not want my inheritance help and rather work 84 hours a week just so he can have enough money to pay for his mom Private Nursing Home.

I'm at my wits end, is there anything I can do about this? I have no ground to give him an ultimatum as he is a devoted husband to me, I just don't like it how he work 84 hours a week.

[Cherylyn]

Nothing will change unless your mother-in-law (MIL) dies.  Either accept the situation as is or dissolve and exit the marriage if you have no other recourse to solve your situation. 

Working 84 hours a week is detrimental to your husband's mental and physical health.  Eventually he will burn out or die himself at this rate. 

It's not looking good.  Do something to save yourself or you're stuck and will entrap yourself.  ☹️

[ShySoul]

Honestly, I suspected it from your other post, but he is far to fixated on a superficial definition of manhood.

A real man is not focused on wealth or pride. He would not demand a woman not work or refuse the extra help. If he cares for his mother, then he would want what is best for her. And if he cares about you, he would want what is best for you. Running himself to the ground is not best for him, his mom, or you. 

Eventually he will burn himself out and crash. That would affect the care his mother gets. That could cause him health problems, putting even more strain on finances. And it leaves you vulnerable as you'd be having to deal with a husband in that state.

A real man is able to accept help. He understands that no man is an island onto himself and that at times you need to swallow the pride and ask for him. And he see women, especially the one he is married to and loves, as equals. They can contribute just as much and not just as a housewife. 

Make clear it is not a burden, that you are volunteering it and that as the son it is his responsibilty to give his mom the best care without killing himself. Ask if his mother would really want him ruining his own health and mental state just to care for her. Tell him that a marriage is a partnership and that you should be allowed to have your own say in things.

Stand up for yourself and don't let his out-dated defintion of manhood impact what you have already said is low self-esteem. You deserve better.

[Cherylyn]

I wouldn't use the inheritance for your MIL because that inheritance is your financial security for the future should your husband die from working himself to the bone.  Be smart when it comes to your finances.  Have your own separate nest egg for your future security. 

[been14years]

9 minutes ago, Cherylyn said:

I wouldn't use the inheritance for your MIL because that inheritance is your financial security for the future should your husband die from working himself to the bone.  Be smart when it comes to your finances.  Have your own separate nest egg for your future security. 

Sorry I want to use my inheritance money to help his mom.

He owns his house, he bought it in cash with his Savings back then, we not have any mortgage. I am on the deed, if he dies the house go to me. 

He has 401ks and IRAs and I am the beneficiary, which he max out his 401ks and IRAs every year, if he dies ALL his retirement pension go to me.

He has Savings, he has been making 6-figures in our 10+ years marriage, and he debt-free so we save alot of money each month, when he die all his Savings go to me.

He has Life Insurance policy, when he dies it go to me too.

I have a house in China under my name that my grandma leave to me in event of her death, that will go me too.

I want to use my inheritance to help his mom. That if he swallow his manhood and let me help.

Anyhoo, thank you for your inputs. But I know how to protect myself. I am his lawful wife in the state of California, a Community Property state, everything of his will go to me when he dies.

[Cherylyn]

16 minutes ago, been14years said:

Sorry I want to use my inheritance money to help his mom.

He owns his house, he bought it in cash with his Savings back then, we not have any mortgage. I am on the deed, if he dies the house go to me. 

He has 401ks and IRAs and I am the beneficiary, which he max out his 401ks and IRAs every year, if he dies ALL his retirement pension go to me.

He has Savings, he has been making 6-figures in our 10+ years marriage, and he debt-free so we save alot of money each month, when he die all his Savings go to me.

He has Life Insurance policy, when he dies it go to me too.

I have a house in China under my name that my grandma leave to me in event of her death, that will go me too.

I want to use my inheritance to help his mom. That if he swallow his manhood and let me help.

Anyhoo, thank you for your inputs. But I know how to protect myself. I am his lawful wife in the state of California, a Community Property state, everything of his will go to me when he dies.

Do so at your own risk.

[shouldhavelearned]

Keep your money.

Is he willing to go to counseling of any kind?

 

Does the mil not have any types of insurance to help?

[been14years]

8 minutes ago, shouldhavelearned said:

 

 

Does the mil not have any types of insurance to help?

His father already deceased, as so his older sister deceased. His mom has no family here in U.S. just her son left. 

MIL has No home assets (his parents when alive rent), no estates, except a bank account. His parents were "Political Asylum" to U.S., they came here under Poltical Refugree. They came here with nothing, starting over from scratch. 

It was my husband that better himself go to University got a Univeristy Master degree in Engineering and makes more than 200K a year, after tax it 185K a year.

His mom does have Health insurance which cover her Dialysis and Hospital stay, and see specialists, medicines and treatments.
BUT

Her Health insurance does NOT cover LONG TERM ongoing care for many years span like PRIVATE Nursing Home. When you have your own private room, and one to one care with doctors and nurses, and a team of nurses full time around the clock care for your mom 24/7, that is "Private" Nursing home, which is all on you.

There no Health insurance that will fork out 150K a year to cover Private Nursing home for you, if you want that much around the clock care for your mom, you pay for it.

There are Assistance living facilities for elderly, but my husband does NOT want her there, he wants a team of nurses care for her around the clock as she 1) she quadriplegic paralyze since her stroke, and 2) she had kidney failure that required Dialysis 4x times a week.

It not about the money at all, it about he needs to balance out, him, his long hours work, his health, him as a filial son to her, but also a husband to me.

Thank you for your understand.

[MissCanuck]

You cannot force him to accept your money. 

You realize this,, no? 

[been14years]

I know Miss.

He not want my inheritance help, get hella defensive like my inheritance money touch is manhood pride or something, of use a penny of a woman's money. But he is my husband though. His manhood pride more important than the detriment of his health?

He rather work 84 hours a week so he have enough money to pay for his mom Private Nursing Home care and her medical care, it been 4 years, he will break down one day.

I am his wife though, it is okay to get help from your wife.

But I digress, I know I can't change him. It something I just have to accept.

[MissCanuck]

14 minutes ago, been14years said:

I am his wife though, it is okay to get help from your wife.

He doesn't agree in this case. 

You can keep pushing but it won't help. He either wants to accept your offer, which will mean he gets to spend more time with you - or he doesn't. Right now, he doesn't want this. 

[been14years]

4 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

He doesn't agree in this case. 

You can keep pushing but it won't help. He either wants to accept your offer, which will mean he gets to spend more time with you - or he doesn't. Right now, he doesn't want this. 

 

Right and when I vent to a friend, my friend said what makes you think he will choose to spend more time with a HEALTHY wife, than his quadriplegia paralyze mother who is dying as the kidney specialist told him his mom only has 1-2 years left at most due to her end stage kidney failure, it will get to the stage where no amount of Dialysis can help her, and she will die.

 

[MissCanuck]

Exactly. 

You can either accept this or get out of the marriage if you are that unhappy. He's not going to suddenly change. 

[Kwothe28]

I dont understand what is the issue here. Ofcourse he would rather sacrifice time with you so he could help his sick mother. That is what every sane man would do in a situation like his. Its not a negative treat of his that he takes care of his sick mother. In fact, its a positive one. Its maybe negative to you because you think it affects your marriage. But if you cant stand that he is "a provider", you can freely leave. 

[DarkCh0c0]

How he pays for her care is his choice. He obviously cares a lot and loves her. I bet he'd do the same to you. So atm the financial aspect is not netogiable.

However, have you talked to him about wanting to spend regular quality time together? What were his answers?

[been14years]

3 hours ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

How he pays for her care is his choice. He obviously cares a lot and loves her. I bet he'd do the same to you. So atm the financial aspect is not netogiable.

However, have you talked to him about wanting to spend regular quality time together? What were his answers?

I can't get through my husband, I talked to him about this (his health, his work, balance his mom and his health and me), and everytime his answer is, he can still handle it, when he see he can't handle it anymore he will adjust.
Basically he will continue do it till he no longer can't.

That his answer every time, seem like I have my answer.

And you right, he did.  I got Covid during the first wave of Covid. I was hospitalized with oxygen tank down my nose 24/7 to help me breath. I was discharged home with a hospital bed with oxygen tank down my nose, and I was bedridden, and I did defecate on myself, and my husband clean me.

He also sleep with a blanket on the carpet right near by the bedside to care for me. I mean the hospital bed that I got discharged home with.

He took a month off work to care for me. And I did recover thanks to him, I had oxygen tank hook down my nose, and bedridden and defecate on myself. Both my parents deceased already, I don't know what to do without my husband.

 

[DarkCh0c0]

41 minutes ago, been14years said:

talked to him about this (his health, his work, balance his mom and his health and me), and everytime his answer is, he can still handle it, when he see he can't handle it anymore he will adjust.
Basically he will continue do it till he no longer can't.

But what does he say about quality time? I hear what he says about the balance, but what about time with you? Does he not care enough about your needs? It's been 4 years, not 4 months.

41 minutes ago, been14years said:

He took a month off work to care for me. And I did recover thanks to him, I had oxygen tank hook down my nose, and bedridden and defecate on myself. Both my parents deceased already, I don't know what to do without my husband

That's sweet.

[ShySoul]

8 hours ago, been14years said:

I can't get through my husband, I talked to him about this (his health, his work, balance his mom and his health and me), and everytime his answer is, he can still handle it, when he see he can't handle it anymore he will adjust.

This is who he is. He's shown you that from the start.

He has a set into in his head about what being a man is. It's money, working until you drop to provide the best things for someone be it a house or medical care. He takes it so seriously he doesn't even want you working or having your own thing outside the home.

This is who you married. This is him.

Yes, he can be sweet. Yes he will care for you when you are sick. But you clearly need more. You aren't getting the real love and affection from him, the time quality time spent together.

You also are feeling insecure and unsettled about it because you don't seem to have your own thing. You say you have low self-esteem. You haven't mentioned anything else you do outside being a housewife. Of course you will be feeling lonely and needing more attention from him.

He needs to get over this silly notion of what being a man means and start embracing the fact that a man can display vulnerbility and accept help.

And you need to find your own thing to fulfill youself rather then rely upon him to fill that void.

[catfeeder]

Does he have any option to work fewer hours, or is he working all those hours to keep his job?

If I had money, I would negotiate paying him for the hours he takes off from overtime or the second job. I'd argue that I have no better use for the money--no heirs to whom I would leave it. I'd rather use it to spend time with the man I love than watch him run himself to the ground so that I lose him before his retirement.

I'd ask him to consider why this it's upsetting and frustrating for me.

 

[been14years]

22 hours ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

But what does he say about quality time? I hear what he says about the balance, but what about time with you? Does he not care enough about your needs? It's been 4 years, not 4 months.

That's sweet.

He thinks we spend enough quality time. As he tooks his mom to Dialysis 4x times a week, that leave 3 days he not have to take her. That 3 days is he give it all to me after he home from work.

He still desire me to have sex with me every other day, even two rounds on the day he not have to take his mom to Dialysis, lol. And I'm happy with sex, I wouldn't know the pleasure and vaginal orgasms of sex without him. I have to thank you to him for this.

On his 3 days where he not have to take his mom to Dialysis, we go places together.

He is a huge shooting range guns hobby, he took me and teach me to shoot at outdoor shooting range. Also archery bow and arrow he teach me. He just look me to go to the movies two weeks ago. Go to Chinatown and eat seafood. I have unlimited shopping spree but I don't like the mall. lol. I prefer Chinatown where it has my culture. He let me choose whereever I want to go on the 3 days he not have to take his mom to Dialysis.

We have this talk many times, and he promise me he won't let anything happen to him (as in he will break down burn himself out from his long hours work and his mom), but he said he can handle it, and he knows when to stop when his body tell him it time to stop. But so far he can handle it. He said because of me and his mom he can endure anything.

He said this won't be forever. He said when his mom times comes, he will go with me to China to visit my grandma. And he knows I don't like the city so we will sale our house and go to the countryside like I want. It just right now his mom is his priority as we told by the specialist she only has 1-2 years left at most due to her kidney failure ending stage.

Yes, it been 4 years, but his mom is terminal illness. I do feel he put his mom above me, but I'm a healthy wife, while his mom has end stage kidney failure.

I already said it in my OP, I have my businessman father inheritance, but he refused to use a penny of my inheritance to help with his mom, you cannot force a man. Whether you agree with his manhood pride or not, you can't force someone. If the role were reverse he force me, there be an outrage because I'm a woman.

I guess this is just how my situation gonna be for the next 1-2 years. The kidney specialists told us his mom only has 1-2 years left.

 

 

[DarkCh0c0]

40 minutes ago, been14years said:

He still desire me to have sex with me every other day, even two rounds on the day he not have to take his mom to Dialysis, lol. And I'm happy with sex, I wouldn't know the pleasure and vaginal orgasms of sex without him. I have to thank you to him for this.

On his 3 days where he not have to take his mom to Dialysis, we go places together

Well, when you say it like that, it sounds very good. He cares a lot and consistently about you and the relationship.

41 minutes ago, been14years said:

I guess this is just how my situation gonna be for the next 1-2 years. The kidney specialists told us his mom only has 1-2 years left.

Yep. It seems the money issue is a non-issue for him and it is off the table.  Maybe he likes that he works hard for her to live, so taking easy money from you does not give him the same sense of responsible behaviour.

And like you mentioned, this is only temporary.

Maybe you can use some of your money to treat him to a good time in the future? For a vacation? Who knows. Maybe the money will be put in better use for both you at another time.

[been14years]

37 minutes ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

Well, when you say it like that, it sounds very good. He cares a lot and consistently about you and the relationship.

Yep. It seems the money issue is a non-issue for him and it is off the table.  Maybe he likes that he works hard for her to live, so taking easy money from you does not give him the same sense of responsible behaviour.

And like you mentioned, this is only temporary.

Maybe you can use some of your money to treat him to a good time in the future? For a vacation? Who knows. Maybe the money will be put in better use for both you at another time.

This is the thing about him, whether you agreed to or not, but my husband is not Westerners Americans mindset, he is not even Americans or Westerners.

He very old-fashioned and traditional. If I do not allow him to be the provider he wouldn't even married me in the first place. He has to has his worth, and his worth is be a provider.

When we were engaged it a constant of him harping on me about me working, and that he wants his wife to stay home after married. He has a University Master degree in Engineering, he does not want a wife who only has a High School diploma never go to college before and work minimum wage job take away the time with him.

He even told me flat in my face, sorry, he cannot be happy with a woman who not let him be a provider.

How much more clear did he needs to be. Did I want to married him or not? If I do then that just how he is, rather I compromise or don't married the man.

He makes 6-figures, I make minimum wage, he told me don't work after married, because two people working when will they have time for each others. And he debt-free too.

It a constant harping like this from him, I stay home, plus I have my father inheritance. 

Yes, I was thinking my inheritance can get him to retire early, and we can go to China to live when he retire (we in USA now). He always been making good money, so we do save up in Savings. It just for the past 4 years since his mom stroke, most of his money go to her care.

Thank you Miss. One thing I don't agreed with him is this, he pays so much money for the Private Nursing Home to care for his mom including take her to Dialysis, but then he doing the job that the nurses should be doing, as he the one take his mom to Dialysis, not the nurses.

But anyhoo his mom only has minimal time left, it not forever.

I basically have 2 choices, accept him as is, or divorce him. But then where to do I go to find someone as good as him, a University Master degree Engineer that makes 6 figures, but a caregiver to his mom, to even clean my poop and pee when I was almost die with oxygen tank in my nose 24/7

There won't be another one like him, in USA or in China, very rare. So I better su-ck it up now and hang on into him.

I was told by the nurses in the nursing home, that sons don't visits, it usually daughters. And look at the amount of men who put their wife in nursing home when she sick like with Cancer or Alzheimer.

So yeah, I need to choose my battle wisely, and I will not win the battle with his mom right now.

Thank you for your advice, appreciate it alot.

 

 

 

[ShySoul]

15 hours ago, been14years said:

Makes 6-figures, I make minimum wage, he told me don't work after married, because two people working when will they have time for each others.

Sorry if this is my Western stance, but even with just him working, you are still frustrated by a lack of quality time. Between 84 hour weeks and caring for his mom, there is still an issue with making time for each other. And quality time means more then sex or showers together.

Meanwhile there are couples where both people work and free time is devoted to running after children. And yet, they can still manage to carve out time for each other and to appreciate being together.

If what you have works for you, good. But you seem to be having issues and mixed feelings. And if the conclusion is accept it because he said to or divorce, that really doesn't sound like a fair situation or one that will make you happy in the long term.

 

 

[been14years]

33 minutes ago, ShySoul said:

Sorry if this is my Western stance, but even with just him working, you are still frustrated by a lack of quality time. Between 84 hour weeks and caring for his mom, there is still an issue with making time for each other. And quality time means more then sex or showers together.

Meanwhile there are couples where both people work and free time is devoted to running after children. And yet, they can still manage to carve out time for each other and to appreciate being together.

If what you have works for you, good. But you seem to be having issues and mixed feelings. And if the conclusion is accept it because he said to or divorce, that really doesn't sound like a fair situation or one that will make you happy in the long term.

 

 

 

I am married to him 12 years already, we not newlywed. Back when we got married he said STOP working that is 12 years ago, and it been 12 years since the last time I work.

I have plenty time with him for the past 14 years together, he did not work 80 hours until AFTER His mom had a stroke. Keywrod here is "AFTER" his mom stroke.

What he does right now with his terminal ill mother is a temporatory thing.

I have my Chinese businessman father his business inheritance, even if I don't work for the rest of my life I still have enough, as well with a house in China.

 

 

[been14years]

I don't have mixed feelings, I have enough inheritance money from my businessman father to not have to work for the rest of my life, as well as a house in China.

Work is irrelevant here with my father business inheritance. I want to stay home and spend time with my husband.

Now I will tell you what my problem is.

My problem is he not swallow his manhood pride and let me use my inheritance to even help let say cover just 1 year of Nursing home for his mom. So he can work less hours. But No, his manhood pride too big, he shut me down completely, he said he will never use a penny of a woman's money. But I am his wife.

But I digress, you cannot force a man. Whoever out there OK with use their wife inheritance that is them. They do they.

My husband is my husband, he does his. I can't force him. If the role was reverse to the woman me, it be an uproar.

The main question in my OP is I asked how to get him to accept my inheritance.