depressed boyfriend won‘t talk to me about his feelings

[Cherylyn]

6 hours ago, asena said:

I can‘t fix him. He has told me before that he feels like he can‘t maintain personal relationships due to his mental state. I believe him and was going to leave but he promised that he is trying and i can feel that he is trying, so leaving is hard because I feel how much effort he puts in to make me feel loved. It‘s just hard

Your patience or lack thereof will determine the longevity or brevity of your relationship. 

[rainbowsandroses]

9 hours ago, asena said:

I try to be as supportive and loving as possible because i want him to know that i am there for him but it seems to be getting worse and worse.

Hello @asenaand welcome.😀

I'm sorry you're experiencing this, it's a hard subject for me because I've been where your boyfriend is at, at various times in my life and can definitely relate. 

I've worked hard to resolve and in a good place now, knock wood! 

Anyway, referencing the above quote, what does this tell you?  What it should tell you is that there is never a "one size fits all" and that being supportive and understanding is not always the best thing to do.  It really depends on the person.

To some people, it's considered "enabling" and may make the situation worse and bring you, the enabler, down with him.

Have you tried asking him directly what he needs from you?  Don't assume you know what he needs (support and understanding) ask him.

If not I would recommend asking and if he says "to be left alone" respect that and leave him alone. 

He may not, but however he responds even if it goes against your nature and instincts, respect what he tells you and act accordingly. 😂

As others have said, you cannot fix this.  And I know from experience that sometimes a person has to hit rock bottom before they can get up - before they have the motivation and desire to get up..

It's hard!  Because you love him and want to help!   But HE may not want your help, he may even resent your help!  Believe it or not. 

Sometimes, the most loving thing you can do is walk away and allow him the opportunity to find his way and help himself.

JMO.

I'm sorry and good luck! 💛

[ShySoul]

5 hours ago, asena said:

I know this doesn‘t sound like a lot but it was worse a few weeks ago.

It is a lot. Progress is incremental, one bit at a time. Depression isn't something that just goes away or can be resolved in one grand gesture. It's something he needs to work on all the time, a battle that's never fully over. Celebrate successes, even if they might seem or feel minor and insignificant.

Getting out of the bodybuilding is also good. It's not a healthy lifestyle, especially if he's using drugs to help him. I know far to much about the dangers people with that lifestyle and mental outlook put themselves, and loved ones, through. 

I am troubled by him not caring about his health. He's playing with fire and it could very easily destroy him. The consequences for later in life are troubling, if he doesn't already have a death wish now. Hopefully he can get himself to a safer place.

You are doing everything you can. You are being an amazing person for even trying. Follow your feelings. If you believe things are slowly improving, keep going. But respect your own limits and mental health. If he reverts back, it's okay to walk away. If he is trying to get better, try with him. If he is determined to destroy himself, don't go down with him. 

[asena]

17 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Hello @asenaand welcome.😀

I'm sorry you're experiencing this, it's a hard subject for me because I've been where your boyfriend is at, at various times in my life and can definitely relate. 

I've worked hard to resolve and in a good place now, knock wood! 

Anyway, referencing the above quote, what does this tell you?  What it should tell you is that there is never a "one size fits all" and that being supportive and understanding is not always the best thing to do.  It really depends on the person.

To some people, it's considered "enabling" and may make the situation worse and bring you, the enabler, down with him.

Have you tried asking him directly what he needs from you?  Don't assume you know what he needs (support and understanding) ask him.

If not I would recommend asking and if he says "to be left alone" respect that and leave him alone. 

He may not, but however he responds even if it goes against your nature and instincts, respect what he tells you and act accordingly. 😂

As others have said, you cannot fix this.  And I know from experience that sometimes a person has to hit rock bottom before they can get up - before they have the motivation and desire to get up..

It's hard!  Because you love him and want to help!   But HE may not want your help, he may even resent your help!  Believe it or not. 

Sometimes, the most loving thing you can do is walk away and allow him the opportunity to find his way and help himself.

JMO.

I'm sorry and good luck! 💛

Hello and thank you so much, i really appreciate your reply!

I have asked him a couple of times about what he needs me to do and what i can do to help.

Previously, before this depressive episode had started, he had many many before and when i would ask him what he needs from me, he would always say that he wants me to just act normal and that he does not need space and that he wants me to still speak to him and spend time with him.

This time i asked him he said that this is very new to him and he doesn‘t know what i could do because he doesn‘t understand it himself. So i am very conflicted. I don‘t know if he wants me to be there or not because he won‘t tell me, so i usually just do an in between thing. I‘ll talk to him and when i feel like he is getting tired of it, i just let him be. 

[Batya33]

14 minutes ago, asena said:

Hello and thank you so much, i really appreciate your reply!

I have asked him a couple of times about what he needs me to do and what i can do to help.

Previously, before this depressive episode had started, he had many many before and when i would ask him what he needs from me, he would always say that he wants me to just act normal and that he does not need space and that he wants me to still speak to him and spend time with him.

This time i asked him he said that this is very new to him and he doesn‘t know what i could do because he doesn‘t understand it himself. So i am very conflicted. I don‘t know if he wants me to be there or not because he won‘t tell me, so i usually just do an in between thing. I‘ll talk to him and when i feel like he is getting tired of it, i just let him be. 

But you are not a professional.  So why not offer help affirmatively "I will trust that you will let me know how I can be a support. In the meanwhile how about if I let you know if there are good resources out there -books to read/organizations to contact/articles that might be helpful or podcasts and I'll send you the links or information and -totally take it or leave it?"

Or offer to hang out at his place or yours and just -be - do your own thing and let him come to you.