depressed boyfriend won‘t talk to me about his feelings

[asena]

Hey 👋 

Me and my boyfriend are both in our twenties and have been in a relationship for a little over 3 years. 

We met on a dating app and we see each other once a week, due to the 2 hour distance and our tight schedules.

My boyfriend has always had mental health issues. He attempted suicide twice and has struggled with anxiety, depression and an eating disorder. He has never been to therapy and doesn‘t want to go because he says he is self aware enough.

He had a psychiatrist, who was a family friend, prescribe him prozac (im not sure exactly) before and he said that didn‘t help at all. This was in 2022. 

Now fast forward to this year. It‘s been getting a lot worse. Before he never distanced himself from me, no matter how depressed he was but now he is much more distant. 

He hates his job and will be in a terrible mood the whole day when he has to go to work. He won‘t talk to me, which is fine because i know he is struggling. 
On top of all of this, he won‘t eat because he‘s been getting a super upset stomach lately. So he just stopped eating and i am worried. 

Today he was in a super ***ty mood when i called him, when i asked him what‘s wrong he got super defensive and told me that he does not want to speak about it. I said that that‘s fine but it worries me because he is in a bad mood most days lately but it‘s usually "im tired“,“im fat“,“im hungry“ or "i don‘t want to go to work“, not "i don‘t want to talk about it“ (in an angry tone)

I decided to just leave him alone.

2 weeks ago we had a talk about this already because he wouldn’t talk to me about it AT ALL. I told him that with the way that he is acting, i can‘t tell if he literally hates my guts and wants me to break up with him or if he is really struggling. I said that i am paranoid about him having someone else because he would pretend like he is fine and not talk to me at all for days. 

I said that i don‘t mind him telling me about his feelings. That‘s what he used to do and it never ever annoyed me, so i don‘t understand why he stopped?

He also only wants to watch extremely depressing movies. We watched requiem for a dream, lilya 4ever and that sad drug movie with leonardo dicaprio ALL in one week. 
He also identifies with the characters a lot. He always jokes about being Tony Soprano and then he showed me the show and i realized that that is not a good thing because Tony is depressed, anxious and unwell.

Is there anything i can do? I feel lost and helpless. I don‘t want to pressure him but i also don‘t want to lose him. 

I want him to be happy and every day i wake up hoping that he is happy because he never is happy anymore. 

 

 

 

[MissCanuck]

You can't do more than you have already done - for him. 

What you can do is remember to take care of yourself here.  His problems are beyond your scope, and you have to be careful not to burn out trying to make him better or trying to make this work. Consider your own well-being, too. Are you still seeing your friends and enjoying your usual activities? 

Is he currently receiving any treatment for this? Because if he's not, this is not likely going to get better any time soon. And then you will have some decisions to make for yourself, as to whether you can continue with someone who isn't able to offer what you are seeking in a partnership.

[asena]

Just now, MissCanuck said:

You can't do more than you have already done - for him. 

What you can do is remember to take care of yourself here.  His problems are beyond your scope, and you have to be careful not to burn out trying to make him better or trying to make this work. Consider your own well-being, too. Are you still seeing your friends and enjoying your usual activities? 

Is he currently receiving any treatment for this? Because if he's not, this is not likely going to get better any time soon. And then you will have some decisions to make for yourself, as to whether you can continue with someone who isn't able to offer what you are seeking in a partnership.

Yes i do. I still do what i have always been doing and no he isn‘t receiving any treatment. He self medicates with i don‘t even know what. I am 100% against that and told him that that‘s considered substance abuse but he said that he knows what he is doing (hasn‘t worked though). It‘s awful.

I fear that if i leave eventually if it doesn‘t get better, he is going to harm himself in some way. Not that i am planning on leaving but i don‘t know how long i can bear this

[MissCanuck]

You need to have a hard talk with him. 

You can be caring and respectful, but also firm and mindful of your own boundaries too. He needs professional help, obviously, and I would make it clear to him that this needs to happen in order for the relationship to continue. 

It wouldn't be fair to expect you to just keep going like this. 

[DarkCh0c0]

So, you're with with a guy who:

- hates his life

- refuses to take care of his health (psychiatrist and therapist included)

- is emotionally absent and distant

- treats you poorly

- is mentally unstable.

Honestly OP, someone who's had suicide attempts and who refuses to seek help is not in a place to date. He cannot be a good partner to anyone. He is full of red flags because of his attitude towards this.

YOU are not his therapist nor his mother.

And I honestly fail to see how much of a catch this guy is when his actions towards himself and you are like this.

49 minutes ago, asena said:

Is there anything i can do? I feel lost and helpless. I don‘t want to pressure him but i also don‘t want to lose him

He chose to lose himself. He is not partner material. That's on him and you're figuring that out.

The only way forward is to break up with him because he is not in a position to be a good partner to you. I'm sorry. His mental health is his responsibility. You can love him from far away and be a good friend, but he is, again, not partner material.

[ShySoul]

Direct confrontation leads to denial and anger on his part. Continue to do so and he is likely to snap at you and retreat further into the same bad habits destroying him. 

Is there something special from your relationship that can bring him back to a happier place? Is there an activity that you know will life his spirts and put him in a better mood? Try it. Get him to at least temporialy be in a better place, putting aside the burden he is carrying around inside of him. Remind him of what it is like to feel a little bit of joy.

Then communicate honestly and compassionately with him. Emphasize that you care about him and can see the hurt, anger, and sorrow in him. Tell him that it hurts you to see him this way and that you are worried for him. The combination of the activity to put him in a better mindset and the sincere love of his friend and partner, stands the best chance of getting through.

I would also suggest a different job. To heal he needs to remove the things that are causing him depression and replace it with positive things. Spending most of your day in a place you hate only serves to keep you depressed and miserable. That time would be better served in a place he finds meaningful and rewarding. And if he has to stay there for financial reasons, he should start looking for other options in his spare time. Or take his free time and devote it to something meaningful for him, something that will make him feel like he has done something. That's better then all the self medication or depressing movies.

Likewise, try to focus on positives and get him to see the same. If his mind is aways thinking negative ("I'm fat") then he will get stuck in a state where everything is negative and miserable. 

But most importantly, know you can't fix it. You can be the supportive and understanding frend and partner. And that roll means the world to someone who is depressed. But he has to heal himself. No amount of medicine (prescribed or self prescribed) is going to do it. No amount of therapy or professional help is going to do it. He is the one who has to look within himself to find his inner strength and push the darkness consuming him aside. 

[ShySoul]

I've been the who is depressed and questioning if living was worth it. I've hated my life. I've seen how dangerous and unhealthy therapy can actually be (not all, but it is still a possibility). I've been in mentally and emotionally fragile states. I've been distant from loved ones.

At those times the only thing that did save me was the love and support of one true friend.

That you care about him and want to support him is a great thing. It may very well be the thing that ultimately helps him. 

At the same time, take care of yourself. Love him as much as you are able, but know your line and don't hesitate to back away should you ever feel unsafe.

Best wishes to both of you. May you both be able to find your way to happiness.

 

[Cherylyn]

You've already lost him.  He's unstable,  he comes with a lot of his own baggage and instead of a boyfriend,  he's a project.  The outcome of your relationship hinges upon his lack of mental and physical well being and it's not looking good.  It is not your job to be responsible for his mental and physical state.  That's his job to fix or maintain.  Not yours.  He's a drag. 

Either accept the situation as is or give yourself pause to think if you should dissolve and exit the relationship because at this point,  you can read the writing on the wall.  It's not going anywhere unless you do something to give yourself a fresh start.  Let him do him while you do you. 

In the future,  your relationship with a man will be smoother when obviously,  life is generally normal. 

[Batya33]

2 hours ago, Cherylyn said:

You've already lost him.  He's unstable,  he comes with a lot of his own baggage and instead of a boyfriend,  he's a project.  The outcome of your relationship hinges upon his lack of mental and physical well being and it's not looking good.  It is not your job to be responsible for his mental and physical state.  That's his job to fix or maintain.  Not yours.  He's a drag. 

Either accept the situation as is or give yourself pause to think if you should dissolve and exit the relationship because at this point,  you can read the writing on the wall.  It's not going anywhere unless you do something to give yourself a fresh start.  Let him do him while you do you. 

In the future,  your relationship with a man will be smoother when obviously,  life is generally normal. 

I agree.  You don't have to be his partner to be supportive.  You can separate and offer to help him with getting professional resources and help if he is willing. You're willing to make a phone call, ask for referrals, etc.

[ShySoul]

https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/325523#ways-to-support-a-partner

https://www.healthcentral.com/condition/depression/how-to-help-your-partner-with-depression

"It’s important to remember that your partner’s depression isn’t anyone’s fault. While you can’t fix it, your support will help your partner work through this difficult time."

I'm also going to have to thank my friend for sticking by me when I've been depressed. Really was the thing that helped most.

[smackie9]

IMO when you talk to him, don't make his mood or how he feels the main focus. You want him to feel better then be a positive influence instead. Do nice small things, talk about good things, get out of the house and just go see something whether it's cute sea otters at the zoo or a fun novelty store or go to a flea market, read a book to him, tell him funny stories, do or talk about whatever interests you two may share. sometimes just a change of scenery can at least provide some relief. You can let him bring up the serious stuff in his own way and time.

[shouldhavelearned]

He probably needs to see a different professional for help.

You need to think about moving on.

[asena]

12 hours ago, ShySoul said:

I would also suggest a different job. To heal he needs to remove the things that are causing him depression and replace it with positive things. Spending most of your day in a place you hate only serves to keep you depressed and miserable. That time would be better served in a place he finds meaningful and rewarding

Thank you so much for your response!

He probably won‘t change his job. He has always hated working (which i don‘t blame him for). He has had many jobs and most he quit after a couple of weeks or days because he it made him feel awful. This one he liked a lot in the beginning. He‘s been working there for a full year. He told me that he can‘t imagine working anywhere else because this job gives him a 15 minute break every 30 minutes, which is unusual. He still hates it and dreads it. 

I try to be as supportive and loving as possible because i want him to know that i am there for him but it seems to be getting worse and worse.  I try to bring him outside. We go to the cinema, we go shopping new clothes for him, we go outside together and he seems happy but i can tell how exhausted he is. I don‘t want him to hang at home the whole time watching depressing movies but i also don‘t want to exhaust him. 

[MissCanuck]

13 minutes ago, asena said:

He told me that he can‘t imagine working anywhere else because this job gives him a 15 minute break every 30 minutes, which is unusual.

What is his job? 

[asena]

18 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

What is his job? 

he works as a croupier/dealer in a casino

[asena]

13 hours ago, Cherylyn said:

You've already lost him.  He's unstable,  he comes with a lot of his own baggage and instead of a boyfriend,  he's a project.  The outcome of your relationship hinges upon his lack of mental and physical well being and it's not looking good.  It is not your job to be responsible for his mental and physical state.  That's his job to fix or maintain.  Not yours.  He's a drag. 

Either accept the situation as is or give yourself pause to think if you should dissolve and exit the relationship because at this point,  you can read the writing on the wall.  It's not going anywhere unless you do something to give yourself a fresh start.  Let him do him while you do you. 

In the future,  your relationship with a man will be smoother when obviously,  life is generally normal. 

I don‘t know if this is because I am not that experienced and i have been with him for so long but i do feel like he will get better and i don‘t want to give up on him. He has never given up on me either but i do understand where you are coming from. I can‘t fix him. He has told me before that he feels like he can‘t maintain personal relationships due to his mental state. I believe him and was going to leave but he promised that he is trying and i can feel that he is trying, so leaving is hard because I feel how much effort he puts in to make me feel loved. It‘s just hard

[MissCanuck]

1 hour ago, asena said:

he promised that he is trying

How is he trying? 

[Batya33]

2 hours ago, asena said:

I don‘t know if this is because I am not that experienced and i have been with him for so long but i do feel like he will get better and i don‘t want to give up on him. He has never given up on me either but i do understand where you are coming from. I can‘t fix him. He has told me before that he feels like he can‘t maintain personal relationships due to his mental state. I believe him and was going to leave but he promised that he is trying and i can feel that he is trying, so leaving is hard because I feel how much effort he puts in to make me feel loved. It‘s just hard

My dad had serious mental illness diagnosed in the 1950s when he was a teenager. My mom and he were married for 62 years until he died years ago.  She was his hero and he complied with therapy and meds and had a successful career.

He was hospitalized several times while my mom struggled to raise us as small children on a very limited budget.  I was close with my dad until I was a young tween then I just couldn't be given his illness and how it presented -I forgave him in my 30s. You should see the cards I sent him in the hospital when I was 4 and lied to -told he had bad headaches. Can you imagine a 4 year old going through that??

It was extremely hard on my mother and on my sibling and I.  Back then when she was engaged to him she was naive and lacked the information you have now.  She is living it up now at age 89 -social life, coming and going, etc.  He appreciated her and he loved her and us but again -please do not choose this path.  Get out now and help him as an acquaintance.

[asena]

39 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

How is he trying? 

he‘s texting me in his free time to update me about his day, he watches shows and movies with me again and he calls me during the day. When we call he engages in conversation with me. 

I know this doesn‘t sound like a lot but it was worse a few weeks ago. He wouldn‘t talk to me at all and wouldn‘t text back either.

He apologizes when he was being harsh too, which also didn‘t happen before. 

When we meet up he is there and present again. 

We had a long talk about his life style (he is a bodybuilder and takes stuff for future competitions. He used to get his bloodwork done all the time to make sure that he is fine but he has neglected that which is dangerous) and him saying that he does not care if he dies at 30. Yesterday he told me that he hears me and that he probably won‘t continue bodybuilding because he wants to be healthy. That meant a lot to me because i know how much that hobby means to him. 

The change happened after i told him that i am tired of trying to keep the relationship alive. 

[Batya33]

6 minutes ago, asena said:

he‘s texting me in his free time to update me about his day, he watches shows and movies with me again and he calls me during the day. When we call he engages in conversation with me. 

I know this doesn‘t sound like a lot but it was worse a few weeks ago. He wouldn‘t talk to me at all and wouldn‘t text back either.

He apologizes when he was being harsh too, which also didn‘t happen before. 

When we meet up he is there and present again. 

We had a long talk about his life style (he is a bodybuilder and takes stuff for future competitions. He used to get his bloodwork done all the time to make sure that he is fine but he has neglected that which is dangerous) and him saying that he does not care if he dies at 30. Yesterday he told me that he hears me and that he probably won‘t continue bodybuilding because he wants to be healthy. That meant a lot to me because i know how much that hobby means to him. 

The change happened after i told him that i am tired of trying to keep the relationship alive. 

He can bodybuild and not take meds.  Right? (ironically my dad did this as a teen and never ever took meds as part of it and looked awesome).  I am not a doctor but I know from all I've heard exercise is a great antidote to depression combined with meds/therapy as needed. Helps my outlook too!

[asena]

4 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

He can bodybuild and not take meds.  Right? (ironically my dad did this as a teen and never ever took meds as part of it and looked awesome).  I am not a doctor but I know from all I've heard exercise is a great antidote to depression combined with meds/therapy as needed. Helps my outlook too!

Tbh i don‘t think he finds any comfort in exercising and he does it purely for aesthetics and for the competitions he wanted to participate in. The stuff he takes to be stronger and grow faster also doesn‘t help because he is pretty advanced so he takes a lot and that cannot be good but yes imo generally exercise can be good!

[Batya33]

45 minutes ago, asena said:

Tbh i don‘t think he finds any comfort in exercising and he does it purely for aesthetics and for the competitions he wanted to participate in. The stuff he takes to be stronger and grow faster also doesn‘t help because he is pretty advanced so he takes a lot and that cannot be good but yes imo generally exercise can be good!

Exercise is good for depression whether he realizes or not from all I know.  Taking meds is NOT needed for body building -it may take longer but -so what?? Especially since he already is unstable.

Do you want to be a partner or an unpaid caregiver/momma?

[asena]

11 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Exercise is good for depression whether he realizes or not from all I know.  Taking meds is NOT needed for body building -it may take longer but -so what?? Especially since he already is unstable.

Do you want to be a partner or an unpaid caregiver/momma?

He always wanted to get as big as possible. It is absolutely not needed and i agree! I was never fond of that, however he had already started with testosterone before we met, which isn‘t necessarily bad, so i didn‘t think anything of it. (also bc i had absolutely no idea abt other PEDs that exist).  

He is impatient and doesn‘t care about his health but has told me that he wants to compete 1 time and then just not get any bigger. 

[Batya33]

5 minutes ago, asena said:

He always wanted to get as big as possible. It is absolutely not needed and i agree! I was never fond of that, however he had already started with testosterone before we met, which isn‘t necessarily bad, so i didn‘t think anything of it. (also bc i had absolutely no idea abt other PEDs that exist).  

He is impatient and doesn‘t care about his health but has told me that he wants to compete 1 time and then just not get any bigger. 

So he is not really into body building.  He is into body destruction which is consistent with his mental illness.  He is not doing this for health reasons or strength reasons.  I am done responding as I've strongly advised you to be his acquaintance who offers mental health referrals or resources or maybe makes a phone call for him etc but please stop being entangled in this train wreck.

[MissCanuck]

50 minutes ago, asena said:

He always wanted to get as big as possible.

So it's got nothing to do with physical fitness, really. 

Anyway, OP, I personally think you need to set a mental timeline for yourself. How long are you willing to tolerate this before it's not sustainable?