How do I accept my dating reality?

[Scientist93]

Also, not that I wanna forcibly revive this thread outta nowhere, but to everyone who's written here since I last wrote - thank you so much for all your kind words and considerations! It really means a lot to me. I was gonna reply sooner, but I'm still on summer vacation and whatnot, so I'm taking it one step at a time.

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, Scientist93 said:

Of course, that's not all I'm going off of, as I'm also struggling to satisfy my basic mental and physical needs, which on some level include fatherhood (and also the romantic and sexual companionship that ties in with it so neatly and purposefully, no doubt). I'd like to have a purer reason for wanting to have kids, devoid of any considerations brought on by the fear of death... but ultimately, I really don't know if any of us are built, or can change, in a way that can just fully ignore the question of survival, whether literal or metaphorical.

Does it help you advance the ball to use all the wordiness/five dollar words/word salad or is it a way for you to cover up the basics? Imagine you're the dad of a young boy - you know old enough to have a real conversation and he was afraid of some sort of rejection - what kind of role model do you want to be to facilitate your son or daughter in facing fears including rejection?

Our son (15) had to handle a really awkward situation with a close friend who wanted him to do him a favor that was inappropriate - and our son of course didn't want to lose the friendship etc - we did not tell him what to do we didn't intervene but we made suggestions and were able to give examples from our own lives.  He worked it out on his own.  Obviously I know  you know how to communicate depending on audience.  I get the impression you're wrapping yourself in verbiage and going to great lengths to spin your wheels instead of moving forward with your goals.

For me I would never ever have brought a child into this world if mainly based on some fear of death or even partly.  My personal focus was always best interests of the child which was one of the main reasons I never did single mom by choice despite the really really loud ticking clock.  JMHO

[Scientist93]

1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

Imagine you're the dad of a young boy - you know old enough to have a real conversation and he was afraid of some sort of rejection - what kind of role model do you want to be to facilitate your son or daughter in facing fears including rejection?

I would like to be there for my kid(s) and provide them with the emotional support I lacked from my parents as a child. It wasn't a big lack in my case, mind you, but due to various factors, I never quite internalised their love in a way in which my inner voice of self-love would grow powerful enough to triumph over my inner voices of harsh self-critique and self-loathing and self-disdain.

That, however, does not mean that I'm incapable of loving and supporting others the way I'd love to be loved and supported myself. It merely means that I just so happen to struggle with being both the subject and the object of my love and having to do it anyway, against all odds and in the face of all the self-sabotage.

Right now, I feel like I could use some outside help in order to learn to love myself better, but the issue is that I'm coming from a place of childlike weakness and neediness that is societally seen as unbecoming and undesirable for an adult (albeit for a good and perfectly logical reason), so if I show it, I'm not likely to attract any potential partners other than those that are 1) abundant with (self-)love and 2) ready to play a bit of a saviour but only to an extent (as it would be inadequate to keep that role past the point of me integrating their self-love). Because of that, I don't really wanna show it, but the price of that is having to play up other desirable parts of my personality, as long as they're authentic... which is fine, but it doesn't mean that the self-sabotaging part doesn't strive to manifest itself from the shadows.

[Batya33]

On 9/3/2024 at 9:03 AM, Scientist93 said:

I would like to be there for my kid(s) and provide them with the emotional support I lacked from my parents as a child. It wasn't a big lack in my case, mind you, but due to various factors, I never quite internalised their love in a way in which my inner voice of self-love would grow powerful enough to triumph over my inner voices of harsh self-critique and self-loathing and self-disdain.

That, however, does not mean that I'm incapable of loving and supporting others the way I'd love to be loved and supported myself. It merely means that I just so happen to struggle with being both the subject and the object of my love and having to do it anyway, against all odds and in the face of all the self-sabotage.

Right now, I feel like I could use some outside help in order to learn to love myself better, but the issue is that I'm coming from a place of childlike weakness and neediness that is societally seen as unbecoming and undesirable for an adult (albeit for a good and perfectly logical reason), so if I show it, I'm not likely to attract any potential partners other than those that are 1) abundant with (self-)love and 2) ready to play a bit of a saviour but only to an extent (as it would be inadequate to keep that role past the point of me integrating their self-love). Because of that, I don't really wanna show it, but the price of that is having to play up other desirable parts of my personality, as long as they're authentic... which is fine, but it doesn't mean that the self-sabotaging part doesn't strive to manifest itself from the shadows.

I don't try to love myself but I try to be giving to myself -actions - not looking for a certain feeling.  I understand that you want to work on the side of you that comes across as weak and needy-you are right that people who like to be in control would actually like that (I never liked it).  

It is really tempting to do it "differently" from or better than our parents.  I get that.  Sometimes that can lead to overcompensating.  I'm sorry your childhood/your parents were lacking.  Also we can't blame it all on parents - many people grow into reasonably confident human beings whether or not the parents had any strong role in it or can take credit for it. By contrast there are parents who work so hard at providing opportunities for their kids to excel, for encouraging them -and the kids go through phases or longer of saying they're losers, etc.  

I like how you describe how much you want to give to your kids.  Today I had to give him 10 extra minutes till dinner so he could game just a bit longer lol while I was so incredibly hungry- or hangry.  But it's also good to show your child how  you care for yourself.  How you're not going to be there for them if it's your time to -enjoy a meal, work out without interruption, talk to a friend.  It's good for them to see boundaries like that.