How do I accept my dating reality?

[Scientist93]

I'm 31, and I have massive regrets over my sheer dating cowardice. I keep thinking that I could've entered (and possibly even maintained) at least a couple of relationships in the past 10-ish years, had I had the courage to confess my feelings to the other parties and inquire about whether my likings are reciprocated or not. I feel severely paralysed by a small infinity of various what-could-have-beens, and I don't feel able to forgive myself about those perceived missed opportunities, which makes me feel equally unable to carry the burden of (apparent?) choice, the likewise small infinity of what could be. I'm sure it takes just one right person for me to forgive myself, but whether said person is my future self or someone else, I don't feel like I can quite count on that to happen. The reality of the matter is that I don't actually want to risk rejection, and I'm scared of the consequences of continuing to live that way, but not scared enough to change trajectory. Right now, it's like I'm coursing through life on a faithless hope alone.

I'm struggling with how to view and make sense of the path I've taken, including the question of whether it was something I've done willingly or not. I feel like I'm still going down the same road of waiting for someone to show up and make me realise they're the person I've been waiting for all along, the person that would accompany me on my journey through life. It's like a part of me is on a massive sunk cost fallacy type of downward spiral and just wants to ride it out to the end of the game of life and "unlock another ending" for concept's sake, unless the "script" (i.e. destiny or whatever) has other ideas... but another part of me is suffering through the entire playthrough of it.

I want to reconcile these halves that wage the mental war within me. If I've decided not to confess my feelings to potential partners, I want to be able to stand behind such a decision and fully accept its consequences. I want to be at peace with my resolution to live a full life without dating and just let a relationship happen if it's gonna, instead of my ruminations about my miserable love life weighing me down; however, I'm terrified of the prospect of failing to achieve such a life and realising all too late that I should've put more effort into actually not being a pusillanimous little ball of avoidance and focused on finding a relatively stable and healthy relationship first.

Any thoughts on this subject? Thank you all in advance, I really appreciate it!!!

[catfeeder]

I don't really understand what a confession has anything to do with asking someone to meet for a cup of coffee?

A confession sounds awfully premature. Nobody I know has ever professed to another that they feel any kind of way before extending a simple invite to go grab a walk or an ice cream together. It's how people get to know one another.

[Batya33]

13 minutes ago, catfeeder said:

I don't really understand what a confession has anything to do with asking someone to meet for a cup of coffee?

A confession sounds awfully premature. Nobody I know has ever professed to another that they feel any kind of way before extending a simple invite to go grab a walk or an ice cream together. It's how people get to know one another.

Same exact.  When a man asked me out on a date I assumed he was attracted to me and wanted to get to know me better.  

[Scientist93]

1 minute ago, catfeeder said:

I don't really understand what a confession has anything to do with asking someone to meet for a cup of coffee?

A confession sounds awfully premature. Nobody I know has ever professed to another that they feel any kind of way before extending a simple invite to go grab a walk or an ice cream together. It's how people get to know one another.

My bad, I used "confession" as a placeholder for anything that unambivalently conveys romantic interest. Of course, flirting is about having some plausible deniability thrown in the mix there as well, and that's perfectly alright. I can certainly flirt to an extent, and I have done so many times. However, here's the thing:

1) I need to get introduced to a person in a social setting before deciding to flirt with them, meaning that I never really flirt in any first-time approach kind of setting (unless I get approached myself and gauge sufficient interest that way)... and that's not absolutely immutable on my part, but whether out of cowardice or out of spite - I still choose not to do it;

2) going along the lines of my previous post in this forum, even upon deciding a person might be interesting to talk to and explore and "poke and prod" for reactions based on my own shallow impression that I like them, I rarely experience sufficient attraction to proceed any further with my suggestions within the flirting - that is, without the other party doing at least something in turn to pique my interest in a way that I can read as being indicative of potential reciprocation. I've had my fair share of one-sided texting situations that went both well AND nowhere at the same time (in the sense that I never, and I mean never, got messaged first afterwards), so that's obviously a turn-off... but I've also been told that I might miss out on a nice person just because they're too shy to respond with anything more. Whether I'd want and/or need to be with such a shy person is another fair question, and I guess the answer is that I'd at least like to be able to read people better, in order to be more confident in my estimations. Without that, it's just wishful thinking and hopeful guesswork, and I really don't wanna do any o' that anymore.

[Batya33]

There are no guarantees.  You lessen the risks of vulnerability by choosing someone you have stuff in common with, who you believe to be single and open to dating -believe - and you ask the person for a date.  You choose to take risks that are measured knowing the answer might be no or as good as no. You don't have to flirt -just talk to the person in a setting which is conducive to people talking and mingling - and then get her number or contact info and/or ask if she'd like to get dinner sometime.  You don't have to be an excellent read- see if she's wearing a ring, see if there's a significant other in the background or she mentions having one, and if she is talking to you and not avoiding you -what's the harm?

[Scientist93]

21 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

There are no guarantees.  You lessen the risks of vulnerability by choosing someone you have stuff in common with, who you believe to be single and open to dating -believe - and you ask the person for a date.  You choose to take risks that are measured knowing the answer might be no or as good as no. You don't have to flirt -just talk to the person in a setting which is conducive to people talking and mingling - and then get her number or contact info and/or ask if she'd like to get dinner sometime.  You don't have to be an excellent read- see if she's wearing a ring, see if there's a significant other in the background or she mentions having one, and if she is talking to you and not avoiding you -what's the harm?

There's really no harm in anything you mentioned; instead, it's all in everything implied for me around it.

The harm is in feeling dependent on the outcome of a date for your mental health. The harm is in being desperate because you feel like you absolutely need a relationship in your life and the clock is ticking and you cannot ignore it anymore. The harm is in having a FOMO on having your own biological children and fearing health problems and your own old age as a parent if you end up searching for way too long. The harm is in encountering unadulterated life as an adult and feeling unable to decide what to stick to and what to let go. The harm is in choosing wrong and not being able to let go of your regrets and forgive yourself and march on. The harm can also be in caring, all that much more because it's paradoxically impossible not to care when you're really into someone. And the more I think about all of that, the worse I feel.

I would like to actually go and live my life according to a mission, but not any mission - a mission the success of which does not depend on having a relationship at all. That's hard, and it's not something most people choose... and perhaps I wouldn't choose it, either, but as things have been standing for much longer now than I'd ever find desirable, the ideas about getting into a relationship and starting a family in something like the next 10 years are already ruining my present. I keep walking in two worlds while inhabiting neither, and if I can't or just don't want to "man up" in order to start dating (at the very least), then I should just embrace giving up on it until a version of me further down the line can possibly change its mind from a more favourable life situation.

The only thing is, I don't know if I even can stop fretting about dating at this point. There are other things I possibly can (and hopefully will) sort out easier, but my difficulties related to those efforts are sufficient that I need to spend more energy just so I don't get sucked into a depressive vortex. Unemployment sucks, hating yourself because of a low-paying job sucks, and slowly growing apart from your friends (even just from a purely economic standpoint, for starters) also sucks. And aging sucks for everyone, more or less. Sometimes, I wish there would be a person that could just f-ing be there and hug me and tell me "we'll get through this together, this is our journey" and not leave, because there wouldn't be anything more important for them then what we're building and striving towards. I would reciprocate that so hard. Wouldn't even have to be a spouse, but I don't see anyone but a spouse taking on something like that, so...

[catfeeder]

I think you're placing far, faaaaar too much weight on inviting someone for a cup of coffee and a piece of cake.

Start there, at face value, without projecting all kinds of stuff onto it.

[yogacat]

The biggest favor you can do for yourself is to stop trying to frame the past 10 years as regretful/cowardly. It was simply how long it took you to get to this point of reflection.

Right now, you seem to have an ambivalent mindset, one in which you are both determined and unsure - mega-conflicted and fearful. That's a pretty bad place to make a decision either way. You won't want to be dating until you decide to embrace the process. 

I think you're hoping that a romance might fix the feelings of paralyses and restlessness you feel in life. That's not really the purpose of love. I think you need to sort out your stipulations for pursuing relationships. It isn't easy to figure out the first time, especially when you have powerful insecurities, but with enough thought, you can sort out SOME of what you think you are missing and use it to improve your outlook.

I've struggled with similar thoughts from time to time to ('do I/do I not want to date?').

I feel sometimes ridiculously hard things are meant to happen in order to shape us into who we are meant to become and they will eventually lead us to the people we are meant to spend our lives with. 

Whatever the case, though, it can't hurt to start off small. A date here or there, flirt with strangers, see if you have anything in common. There's no harm in that. It may teach you some lessons about what you truly want after all.

[Scientist93]

21 minutes ago, catfeeder said:

I think you're placing far, faaaaar too much weight on inviting someone for a cup of coffee and a piece of cake.

Start there, at face value, without projecting all kinds of stuff onto it.

Therein kinda lies the difficulty. If I could just up and do that, I wouldn't be here talking about hard it is for me to do that. 😆 But I get it.

[catfeeder]

Just now, Scientist93 said:

Therein kinda lies the difficulty. If I could just up and do that, I wouldn't be here talking about hard it is for me to do that. 😆 But I get it.

There's a big difference between "can't" and "won't". You "could" just drop all the noise for long enough to tell someone, "I'm going for a walk in the park tomorrow at lunch time, would you like to join me?" Then just see what happens. But if you "won't," then what kind of help would you like us to offer?

[yogacat]

21 minutes ago, Scientist93 said:

Therein kinda lies the difficulty. If I could just up and do that, I wouldn't be here talking about hard it is for me to do that. 😆 But I get it.

I have a fear of getting stuck. I went to an escape room 3 times in a row. Next is handcuffs (Saw escape room 😃). Have I overcome the claustrophobia? No, but at least I learned something new. 😙

[ShySoul]

 

15 minutes ago, yogacat said:

I have a fear of getting stuck. I went to an escape room 3 times in a row. Next is handcuffs (Saw escape room 😃). Have I overcome the claustrophobia? No, but at least I learned something new. 😙

Was the lesson to always keep the key handy so you don't get stuck in the first place? 😁

 

[ShySoul]

You sound like me 20 years ago, only using a lot more fancy language.

At 21 I was facing an inner war with myself over conflicting feelings on how to approach that most emotionally charged of topics, romance. On one hand, I was presented with the standard idea that people should approach others they are interested in, flirt with them, and ask them out. That was how it was done. But that's not how it worked for me.

I too feared rejection. I didn't want to open up to just anyone, risk my already fragile heart that had been hurt by so many other things in my life. I thought I was missing out on something, would look at everyone around me and see them in relationships. I wondered why it would never happen for me, terrified of not having the one thing that mattered most to me. 

And yet I rebelled at the whole concept. I knew it simply wasn't me. I too needed that extra sign from someone, that thing that made it feel right. But no one ever gave it. I wanted to be okay with the idea of not dating, to let the fates decide. But what if I was wrong? What if nothing ever happened. So the indicision paralyzed me.

At 31 I could look back at myself and laugh. I did stick it out and do it my way. I didn't approach anyone. I didn't date. I stopped caring about finding anyone and lived a mission, my mission, on my own. I left it to fate. And one woman had approached me. And feelings grew organically and we had something special. And another woman messaged me, feelings growing organcially and leading to another something special. And other women grew to like me and initiated contact. Once the ball was in motion, it rolled for a fair bit. All the worrying and anxiety had been for nothing.

And at 41 I'm just over the whole thing. 

Dating/relationships are supposed to be freeing. It is supposed to uplift us and make us feel better. It is supposed to make us happy. Yet, we spend so match time worrying over every little aspect about it. We treat it as a game, thinking there has to be rules or that we need to do this and that. We evaluate everyone, including ourselves. We drive ourselves crazy thinking we are missing out or have lost our chance at something forever. 

Truth is, none of us needs to do any of that. No one needs to date. No one needs to be in a relationship. None of us needs to approach, ask out, flirt, or do anything else associated with the topic. You can find something at any time in any way. Timing and circumstances can and will bring stuff to us if we are open to it. And even if nothing works out, we can still lead a happy life on our own. 

So don't treat this as a science experiment and examine all the evidence. Just relax and enjoy the journey of life for what it is, going where it takes you and seizing on the moments it does bring to you.

[yogacat]

38 minutes ago, ShySoul said:

53 minutes ago, yogacat said:

I have a fear of getting stuck. I went to an escape room 3 times in a row. Next is handcuffs (Saw escape room 😃). Have I overcome the claustrophobia? No, but at least I learned something new. 😙

Was the lesson to always keep the key handy so you don't get stuck in the first place? 😁

No. It has an option for safety release. So I'm good to go! 😄

[ShySoul]

2 hours ago, Scientist93 said:

I would like to actually go and live my life according to a mission, but not any mission - a mission the success of which does not depend on having a relationship at all. That's hard, and it's not something most people choose

It's not that hard. Pick a mission. Choose it. Live it. Simply as that.

Who cares what other people choose? They aren't you. If this other mission will make you happy, do it. That's the goal, to do something that fulfills you and makes you happy. That can be accomplished in so many ways that have nothing to do with dating.

2 hours ago, Scientist93 said:

I keep walking in two worlds while inhabiting neither, and if I can't or just don't want to "man up" in order to start dating (at the very least), then I should just embrace giving up on it until a version of me further down the line can possibly change its mind from a more favourable life situation.

Dating has pretty much nothing to with "manning up." And I don't mean that just because half the population are women. The idea that you need to date/have a relationship/ask a woman out to prove manlinessis gender stereotyping. Sometimes it can be even more manly not to date. And who cares about any of that to begin with. Just be you.

2 hours ago, Scientist93 said:

Sometimes, I wish there would be a person that could just f-ing be there and hug me and tell me "we'll get through this together, this is our journey" and not leave, because there wouldn't be anything more important for them then what we're building and striving towards. I would reciprocate that so hard. Wouldn't even have to be a spouse, but I don't see anyone but a spouse taking on something like that, so...

I know that it's not common and that I am extremely fortunate in this, but it is possible. You can have a friend that is there that is not a spouse. We have supported each other through so much. We have built a solid friendship, so close we're family. We've built something that has bettered both our lives and been there to hug and comfort each other. And she told me within the last week she's not leaving, nor do I have any intention of leaving. It's our journey, even if we aren't always clear the destination.

The universe will provide if you have patience and believe. All the struggles you go through are designed to prepare you for that time when it comes together, to help you realize and appreciate that moment. 

Stop stressing yourself out. It will only make you feel worse and doom you to repeat this cycle of fear and regret over and over again. Embrace yourself and embrace life. You will happier for it.

[NighttimeNightmare]

5 hours ago, Scientist93 said:

how do I accept my dating reality?

Do you want to date? 

[DarkCh0c0]

I believe a good therapist would be a better help for your emotional state. If you are afraid of or can't handle the risk of rejection, it is highly probable you have some childhood conditioning that has built you as such.

I also recommend you talk to friends, and pick up some books and podcasts about dating and rejections to familiarize yourself more and more with rejections and its benefits.

This isn't a dating reality. This is  your own emotional state, low self-esteem and conditioning getting in your way. This is about the place from which you approach dating: fear or trust. You're 31, not 71. You're at a great time to do some inner healing and find love.

[Kwothe28]

"I know the consequences of me not doing anything, but I am still not going to change my trajectory"- Literally you.

Its like one of those people who smoke cigs or do any other kind of harmful activities to their health. They know consequences to their health are coming. But they still refuse to do anything about it. Its the same with you. You know that if you dont do anything, you will most likely end up alone. But you still refuse to do anything about it and change that. Same with the other question. You want to accept that if nothing happens it would be because of you. But you cant accept it would be you that would be responsible for it. Which, you certainly would. Very rarely opportunity falls under your lap. You are not a woman nore you are probably some handsome man so that dating opportunities would come after you. You are probably average/bellow average man. You would have to work for your opportunities. Sorry, but that is how it is.

 

[Scientist93]

7 hours ago, catfeeder said:

There's a big difference between "can't" and "won't". You "could" just drop all the noise for long enough to tell someone, "I'm going for a walk in the park tomorrow at lunch time, would you like to join me?" Then just see what happens. But if you "won't," then what kind of help would you like us to offer?

I meant to say that I find it hard not to project stuff on top of a date while I'm going on it. xD

It ain't always that bad, though. A month or two ago, I thought one of my bandmates' colleagues was cute, so after some texting, I asked her if she wanted to rollerskate alongside my bicycle (and that's not a euphemism, mind you 😆) during the upcoming weekend. She told me she was gonna be busy with birthdays and stuff probably until October, so I told her to notify me then, but I stopped trying. Later I realised that I didn't even like her that much, and I guess it's what made it all easier.

5 hours ago, NighttimeNightmare said:

Do you want to date? 

Not really. I'd rather skip from point A to point B without traversing the distance between them, I just know better than to think that I'm gonna be the one to invent the teleport. 😆

52 minutes ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

I believe a good therapist would be a better help for your emotional state. If you are afraid of or can't handle the risk of rejection, it is highly probable you have some childhood conditioning that has built you as such.

I also recommend you talk to friends, and pick up some books and podcasts about dating and rejections to familiarize yourself more and more with rejections and its benefits.

This isn't a dating reality. This is  your own emotional state, low self-esteem and conditioning getting in your way. This is about the place from which you approach dating: fear or trust. You're 31, not 71. You're at a great time to do some inner healing and find love.

Already on all of these, but thank you regardless! 🙂

I'm going to address the lengthier replies later, y'all. I'm glad people have taken interest in this topic.

[NighttimeNightmare]

22 minutes ago, Scientist93 said:

Not really. I'd rather skip from point A to point B without traversing the distance between them, I just know better than to think that I'm gonna be the one to invent the teleport

So then why do it? If it’s a partnership you want (do you want that?) you can find that without playing the dating game 

ive been in several long-term relationships and ever dated in order to find the person. I’ve just connected with them randomly in the wild, became friends, and fell into a partnership naturally 

(I also am not someone who focuses on needing to be in a relationship.)

[Batya33]

11 hours ago, Scientist93 said:

he harm is in feeling dependent on the outcome of a date for your mental health. The harm is in being desperate because you feel like you absolutely need a relationship in your life and the clock is ticking and you cannot ignore it anymore.

I had to develop and work on regularly a thick skin in my approach to dating and finding a husband. It is why I avoided being more than temporarily jaded and bitter about dating/people etc.  Part of that work was finding my people who were supportive whether or not they were dating (sometimes it was far better if they were not, sometimes it was great to compare notes and commiserate).  

I didn't need to be in a relationship.  It was a want.  No guarantees either.

I had no FOMO about my desire to have a baby- I didn't want a baby and to raise a child with a husband in a family because of FOMO - I affirmatively wanted to be a parent and act in the best interest of a child as I had done in my first career and also as a volunteer with children.  I'm not sure if it's right to have a child if the main reason is FOMO - main reason.

We're in our late 50s with a 15 year old -we're older parents.  I believe I'm healthier in every way than I was in my 30s. My husband is really healthy.  I haven't told my son because I never want him to feel badly that because I was an older mom I had a postpartum stroke -that was one of the reasons -my age most likely. No other history.  I slipped the other day and referenced in front of him how I'd gone to the ER when he was 12 days old. 

He asked why.  I said oh I ended up fine -it's not anything really- and he asked oh mom did you do something stupid (like klutzy) - he actually thought that I'd tripped or something or cut myself and needed to go to the ER -because to him he obviously can't fathom his energizer bunny bad [behind - he uses the other word] mom having a stroke.  Even though I am "old".  (Yes I would tell him if there was a genetic reason -and there is not).  I took more than average risks in conceiving at almost 42.  Having a child that old with a husband that "old". 

 I considered all this and decided based on all I knew that it was a fine idea as several of my friends also did. Not because it's all a risk -I mean duh - of course putting your heart on the line, your body, relocating 800 miles away after 43 years in one city, trusting this person you love to keep loving you and being committed, trusting yourself not to wake up one day riddled with doubts and a child - because I measured the risks, used head and heart out of reasonable confidence -not settling, not desperation at all- so that I wasn't flippantly "oh you know it's all a risk" -that's not fair to anyone including a potential child or fur baby!

I agree you are overthinking., I think overthinking often provides a good excuse not to put yourself out there. I'm glad I had a no excuses approach even though I have my days of -really tired/stressed/annoyed with my husband and/or son or both, comparing myself in inferior ways to The Joneses yes even though I have the opportunity I do not use to be "smug married" - and I'm glad I faced my fears, my obstacles and took these risks.  I don't think anyone else should - date/marry/get into a serious relationship or have a child or adopt a child unless that individual person wants to for the right reasons -no shoulds but I write this because you seem to want to date. Seem.  I'm actually not sure if you really want this and want to put in the effort.  That's for  you to figure out.  I wish you the best.

[Batya33]

10 hours ago, Scientist93 said:

Therein kinda lies the difficulty. If I could just up and do that, I wouldn't be here talking about hard it is for me to do that. 😆 But I get it.

Most good stuff we want means doing hard stuff.  I have people in my life who didn't have to do hard stuff to find the right person and they're still happily married, those who refuse to do hard stuff and whine about not reaching personal goals, and those who do it all - 1000% and still don't reach their personal goal or not how they wished -that's called life and life isn't fair.  I have a SAHM friend with two teenagers who is unhappy in various ways - she knows she needs a job for personal growth as well as financially, she knows her health is - meh - and exercising and eating better would help a huge amount and she wants a larger house.  She wants to read more.  I have met all of these goals (besides the house which I don't want -not a goal of mine)

I tread very very lightly with all of her goals that she shares and complains about. Once in a blue moon if she asks insistently and genuinely I'll throw out a few suggestions. Her refrain is delay - she has a reason always "after the holidays" "once the boys are in camp" "I need a personal trainer who will motivate me" "not this week with all the [fill in all the chauffeuring for various team sports].  "When I see that mom again who might need help in her husband's office maybe I'll ask her".  "I'm too old to go back to school".

I cannot relate to this level of excuses and also know she has past struggles and family issues.  So I stay silent other than listening.  For the most part.  It's frustrating to hear the myriad excuses and the venting.  So my suggestion to you is -once you start taking the baby steps, stop wasting time on all the overthinking and word salad nonsense - people who are in similar situations -will gravitate towards you - in good and productive ways.

Sure there will be room for venting but people who are proactive help others who are doing the same and lift each other up most of the time and think outside the box.  That's been my experience not just in dating but job hunting or potentially looking for the next job, etc. 

Good luck.

[Andrina]

You ever hear the saying, "It's just lunch."  ???

Even if you don't voice all of those worries for your future with your looming clock of life ticking, most women would sense your brain firing off with such heaviness, it will make them uneasy.

I've experienced that once on an OLD first meet. I felt like I was being examined under a microscope by him, which had never happened before. Even with the uneasiness, because of his brilliant mind and having an interesting personality, I went on more dates with him. He finally admitted that on a first meet with a woman, he was deciding if he could be with this woman for the rest of his life and if not, there wouldn't be another date.

I thought that was a ridiculous notion. I think the only thing you can determine on a first meet is if you feel chemistry, enjoy the person's company, and if so far, there are no red flags. 

It's in your best interest not to project to the future. Certainly, you can have your life goal of having a lifetime companion. But when it comes to dates, teach your mind to live in the present only. Have a goal of learning about a new person because it's interesting and sharing a good meal with her. That's it. And then have a wait-and-see attitude. Don't start fantasizing about the future with this particular lady, even if things are going smoothly. It takes a long time to get past the honeymoon stage to see, layer upon layer, who the real person is.

And then accept the mindset that everyone's dating experience is different. Some meet a lifetime partner early in the dating process. Others take years. Accept the unknown and just keep getting yourself out in the world for better chances of meeting a keeper.

And yes, it's ideal to get clues a woman would say yes if you asked her out, but as you said, some women are shy or unreadable and you can still make the effort and know you'll live even if the answer is no. Disappointment and embarrassment is a part of life that nobody is immune to.

I suggest reading books about changing the reel in your brain to work better for you and to stop ruminating about the future. A book that helped me change the reel in my brain was The Secret by Rhonda Byrne. Even if you don't believe that what you ask from the universe, that you will receive it, I think you'll benefit from its advice about how we think produces actions to get us what we want, or at least make us feel calmer with the positive spin on thoughts versus negative self-sabotaging.

[catfeeder]

7 hours ago, Scientist93 said:

I meant to say that I find it hard not to project stuff on top of a date while I'm going on it. xD

You're projecting before you even GO. You're doing it here. You're inventing all kinds of futuristic "what ifs" to create barriers and talk yourself out of dating. Then you land in the negative and try to talk yourself out of wanting what you actually want.

That's all just drilling a deeper hole to climb out of. Do you do this with friendships? Spending time to get to know people is a basic life skill. Spend less time inside your head, more time out in the world. It could be helping out friends, family members, neighbors. Start filling your calendar with commitments that move you out of your own way. This can help to 'normalize' you socially. 

Social health is your inoculation against a shattered ego whenever someone's vision is too limited to view you through the right lens. You'll have plenty of people in your corner who appreciate who you are, and this is how we fortify ourselves against taking rejection too personally. NONE of us can appeal to 'everybody,' we've all had our disappointments. Healthy people can roll with the fact that most people are just not our match.

[Scientist93]

On 8/24/2024 at 5:56 AM, ShySoul said:

It's not that hard. Pick a mission. Choose it. Live it. Simply as that.

Dating has pretty much nothing to with "manning up." And I don't mean that just because half the population are women. The idea that you need to date/have a relationship/ask a woman out to prove manlinessis gender stereotyping.

I seem to keep stoking misunderstandings with the idioms I use on this forum. 😅 When I said "man up", I meant "not run away from the potential pain of rejection, but accept the possibility of it in advance and then meet it head-on and tough it out if it happens". Nothing necessarily inherently manly or womanly there, although I do feel like powering through the wounds and growing a "thick skin" in order to overcome adversity is a societal expectation that still applies to men overwhelmingly more than it does to women... hence my perhaps slightly unfortunate choice of words.

As for picking a mission and sticking to it, the one that I feel like I'm close to choosing might be autodestructive... and while it might be what I need after all, I fear there's a lack of wisdom in abandoning everything else for it, at least in the absence of a plan B that I'd be able and willing to go with in the case of failure. Of course, not having firmly stepped on that path yet, it's way too early for me to think that I'd be burning bridges, but it does look to me like it'd be a long road of living in a compensatory manner and setting goals that are way too lofty, simply because my "fear of dating" is so great that I feel like I need to have some sort of a failsafe in case I never "find love".

TL;DR

I still treat willingly confronting rejection as a form of masochism with a side of gambling, and I'm unsure about the mission I'm on the cusp of picking because the ambition powering it exists (mostly) due to my overt mental discomfort with my own unwanted singlehood.

On 8/24/2024 at 11:33 AM, Kwothe28 said:

"I know the consequences of me not doing anything, but I am still not going to change my trajectory"- Literally you.

Its like one of those people who smoke cigs or do any other kind of harmful activities to their health. They know consequences to their health are coming. But they still refuse to do anything about it. Its the same with you. You know that if you dont do anything, you will most likely end up alone. But you still refuse to do anything about it and change that. Same with the other question. You want to accept that if nothing happens it would be because of you. But you cant accept it would be you that would be responsible for it. Which, you certainly would. Very rarely opportunity falls under your lap. You are not a woman nore you are probably some handsome man so that dating opportunities would come after you. You are probably average/bellow average man. You would have to work for your opportunities. Sorry, but that is how it is.

I really like the addiction parallel you used! I sometimes wonder if my own "dating-avoidant" behaviour is an addiction of sorts (as there certainly is a habit component to it), but more than that, I lament the lack of a dedicated group that would seriously and dilligently treat it as such, maybe even in a twelve-step form. Love Cowards Anonymous? 😆 I'd unironically like to have something like that in my life, although best I can do right now is group psychotherapy every other week, so I'll see where that'll take me.

I don't think there's anything wrong with a reappraisal of my singlehood, by the way. It's just that my ideas for what would constitute a well-lived single life for me are so grandiose that I can't help but think that such self-demand is unhealthy in its overbloatedness.

At the same time, I want to accept my limitations, but since I don't know their extents and I'm scared of testing them, I end up subconsciously trying to cut all of my options off... which is, again, me shying away from responsibility. If I could live according to a "my life is gonna suck no matter what I do" mindset, I think my life would suck less, because I wouldn't be feeling the pressure to "get my life right". I still don't have that mentality of believing that I can deal with whatever happens, as much as I would find that relieving.

On 8/24/2024 at 2:44 PM, Batya33 said:

I had no FOMO about my desire to have a baby- I didn't want a baby and to raise a child with a husband in a family because of FOMO - I affirmatively wanted to be a parent and act in the best interest of a child as I had done in my first career and also as a volunteer with children.  I'm not sure if it's right to have a child if the main reason is FOMO - main reason.

I completely agree that FOMO shouldn't be the main reason to want progeny. I wouldn't say that it's that per se in my case, though, but it is a part of my concern that I might not be able to give as much as I want to humanity through my work alone.

This need for an immortalisation of sorts, be it a typically petty human tendency or even something outright pathological, is what follows me, for better or for worse. I have a dream of what I want to leave to the world, and if I can't manage to make it a reality, I'd like to be able to focus on leaving my experiences to future generations (of my own kin) as learning tools.

Of course, that's not all I'm going off of, as I'm also struggling to satisfy my basic mental and physical needs, which on some level include fatherhood (and also the romantic and sexual companionship that ties in with it so neatly and purposefully, no doubt). I'd like to have a purer reason for wanting to have kids, devoid of any considerations brought on by the fear of death... but ultimately, I really don't know if any of us are built, or can change, in a way that can just fully ignore the question of survival, whether literal or metaphorical.