Husband cut his aunt off 5 years already over this, was he overreacting?

[been14years]

Before I go on, I need to say this as it might be cultural thing, I am Chinese, in the China culture is a very close-knit family (No, you don't just cut off a family member), and respect elders, not just your mom dad, grandparents, but also your aunts and uncles too as they are siblings of your parents.

The Chinese me I'm the type that like to maintenance peace, and I never dare cut out a family member, and I avoid confrontation.
Him, my husband (whom not Chinese), he has zero problem with cut off a family member, and he will start war if he has to, and he has zero problem with confrontation.

Together 14 years, married 12 years. Our child died of brain disease 5 years ago, my child died when he was 1.5 years old, brain disease run in my side of the family the baby got it from me the mom the maternal side.
Even if we try for another child there always a 50/50 chance the next baby could inherit brain disease from me the mom side again.
Both me and my husband still grief our child's death.

My husband is fine with not having children as he said he married me because he loves me and wants to grow old together with me, not because he wants to carry on his genes or carry on the family name.

--------

So you see during holidays we have family get together with all his family members, his aunt (his paternal aunt), his aunt loudly commented that use his income and his U.S. citizenship, he has a University Master degrees and income of 6-figures.
His aunts said use his money and U.S citizenship go to China, Vietnam, Philippines, Russia, etc.. to find a younger woman (beside be a better match for him than me in every way) but also can give him children to carry on the family name, because he is the ONLY son.

He was mad, right there in front of the whole family get together dinner table,
yep. in front of his whole family sitting there.
He SLAM his FIST down the holiday family gettogether table and yelled "ENOUGH", and point to his aunt and address his aunt as "this woman", that do not ever call him for any family gettogether anymore if has "this woman" (his aunt) in it.
......
Told his aunt to apologize to me his wife, and do not ever speak a word to me again, and do not come anywhere near me. Hold my hand, said to his mom he call her later, walk straight out and SLAM the door on his way out.

My jaw drop, I was speechless. ALL that just because his aunt on the holiday family gettogether table said the darn truth that he has other options out there, other options alot better than me, and another woman can give him healthy children without brain disease.

He told me he not want his aunt anywhere near me as he not want her to instill things like this in my head. He also does not want to have anything to do with is aunt or want to be around a woman like her.
And that it is his aunt, his family, let him deal with it "his" ways. And that I need to understand he protecting me here.

It been 5 years, he keep his words, he never went to any family gettogether that has his aunt in it. He completely cut her off, just over that.
And does not want me to talk to his aunt, reason is because he does not want her to instill bullock things like that in my head.

He still cut her off 5 years later. I get it it his aunt, let him deal with his family. But was he overreacting with his aunt?

[ShySoul]

With respect to cultural differences, what is aunt said was uncalled for and crossed a line in my mind. He is completely justified in being upset.

His relationship is his business. If he loves you and wants to be with you, then it is his choice and his alone. It is not up to his aunt or anyone else to decide that he should be with someone else. And you do not need to say that in front of the person he choose. She was basically insulting YOU. She was saying you weren't young enough or a good match for him. That you have been together five years since, have both grown closer even after such tragedy, should show she was wrong about that. She was also insinuating that money, education, citizenship, age, and name are what is important to a relationship. She left no room for love, which your husband clearly values and believes in. 

As a male, I would have been insulted as well. If this is the person I have chosen to spend my life with, I would like to have my decision respected. You don't have to agree. You don't have to like her. But respect that I love her and let me have the relationship I want that makes me happy.

I would say that after five years he may consider reaching out to her on his own to see if she is willing to apologize or can see why such comments are rude. If they can come to an understanding, it's always ideal to speak with family. But if the aunt is someone who will say inapproriate and hurtful things and doesn't see a problem with it, it probably is for the best to not associate with her.

 

[Andrina]

I applaud him. He did exactly what he should've done. Relatives don't get a free pass just because they share DNA. Each case is different if amends can happen. Doesn't sound like she attempted to apologize to him and you.

In speaking of cultural practices, even if something is a cultural norm, it doesn't mean those norms are right and that you can't buck the trends if they don't work in your best interest.

I'm truly sorry for the loss of your beloved child.

[catfeeder]

My heart goes out to you and your husband for the loss of your child.

It's one level of rude to meddle and insult anyone, and especially in front of others, but it's astonishingly low to go after a couple who has lost a child.

I can understand why your husband would find that unforgivable.

While you are likely empathetic toward your husband, can you tell us how this particular estrangement has impacted you, and what is it that you find painful about it?

[itsallgrand]

Interesting that you see it as her simply speaking the truth. Is it the truth though? Is your husband the kind of man to callously throw aside his grieving wife whom he shared a child with and lost that child with, to go womb shopping in a foreign country? Because it sure doesn't look anywhere near the truth to me. It looks like a vicious attack made at the lowest time in a couples lives, said in front of everyone for the purposes of her own ego. 

Your husband loves you ferociously and I'm so sorry for the tremendous loss of your child.

 

[been14years]

22 minutes ago, itsallgrand said:

Interesting that you see it as her simply speaking the truth. Is it the truth though? Is your husband the kind of man to callously throw aside his grieving wife whom he shared a child with and lost that child with, to go womb shopping in a foreign country? Because it sure doesn't look anywhere near the truth to me. It looks like a vicious attack made at the lowest time in a couples lives, said in front of everyone for the purposes of her own ego. 

Your husband loves you ferociously and I'm so sorry for the tremendous loss of your child.

 

 

I mean the truth of what she said that he has others options out there than just me, that other women can give him a healthy child without brain disease.

I know this is a me problem. I do have low self-worth and self-esteem, and I don't like to sugarcoat myself, I see things as is, the truth is he has other options out there like his aunt, and the truth is I cannot give him a healthy child, because brain disease run in my side of the family. Perhaps I'm even self-sabotage.

I love him so I want the best for him, if another woman can give him a family full of laughters and children to pass on his genes and his family name, then I don't mind to step away so he can have the best life he can.

But he get defensive when I said those words to him. He said he is the only one can define what his happiness is, and know what make him happy and who can give him happiness. Nobody can dictate his life for him, not his mom, not even me his wife, let alone someone like his aunt.

He said his happiness is me, he said he loves me very much and want to grow old together with me, That is ALL he ask for, he doesn't need children, he wants us to grow old together.

And he not want his aunt anywhere near me, she disrespectful to me, and he doesn't want her to instill bullock things like this in my head.

I dunno, but I guess he understand my low self-worth and low self-esteem, so if me keep hear his aunt say these things it not in any way helping my brain or helping me.

[itsallgrand]

38 minutes ago, been14years said:

 

I mean the truth of what she said that he has others options out there than just me, that other women can give him a healthy child without brain disease.

I know this is a me problem. I do have low self-worth and self-esteem, and I don't like to sugarcoat myself, I see things as is, the truth is he has other options out there like his aunt, and the truth is I cannot give him a healthy child, because brain disease run in my side of the family. Perhaps I'm even self-sabotage.

I love him so I want the best for him, if another woman can give him a family full of laughters and children to pass on his genes and his family name, then I don't mind to step away so he can have the best life he can.

But he get defensive when I said those words to him. He said he is the only one can define what his happiness is, and know what make him happy and who can give him happiness. Nobody can dictate his life for him, not his mom, not even me his wife, let alone someone like his aunt.

He said his happiness is me, he said he loves me very much and want to grow old together with me, That is ALL he ask for, he doesn't need children, he wants us to grow old together.

And he not want his aunt anywhere near me, she disrespectful to me, and he doesn't want her to instill bullock things like this in my head.

I dunno, but I guess he understand my low self-worth and low self-esteem, so if me keep hear his aunt say these things it not in any way helping my brain or helping me.

Yes, I sensed that...that you are putting yourself down and may not see your worth. I don't know you but you are a person, your value goes so much deeper than your age or your reproductive health or these other things we have no control over. Your husband sees that. I really hope you are not beating yourself about the loss of your child. It's not in any way your fault. You are not less than in any way because of your genetics. And your husband is right, he is the only one who can decide what makes him happy. You make him happy, he wants you. His actions really speak to that. Cherish each other as that kind of love doesn't come around that often. You are not as easy to replace as you think! Finding that special person is rare and you are his person. 

 

[ShySoul]

1 hour ago, been14years said:

He said his happiness is me, he said he loves me very much and want to grow old together with me, That is ALL he ask for, he doesn't need children, he wants us to grow old together.

Yes, the truth is he has other options. But the other part of that truth is that he doesn't want other options. He wants you. It's right in what you wrote. His happiness is you. He doesn't need children, but he does need you.

Not all men care about having children or carrying on a family name. I've reached a point where I don't foresee children. And I don't care because what I really desire is someone to love and spend my life with. My brother hasn't had children and I don't believe he has ever wanted to. I have multiple friends who aren't going to be having children. One of my uncles never had children and he and his wife have had a happy marriage into their 80s I believe. 

Believe what your husband is saying. You are more then enough for him. None of the other things matter. He wants you, and only you, for the rest of his life. That's a pretty special thing. So embrace it, believe in it, and let yourself be happy with it.

[been14years]

1 hour ago, itsallgrand said:

Yes, I sensed that...that you are putting yourself down and may not see your worth. I don't know you but you are a person, your value goes so much deeper than your age or your reproductive health or these other things we have no control over. Your husband sees that. I really hope you are not beating yourself about the loss of your child. It's not in any way your fault. You are not less than in any way because of your genetics. And your husband is right, he is the only one who can decide what makes him happy. You make him happy, he wants you. His actions really speak to that. Cherish each other as that kind of love doesn't come around that often. You are not as easy to replace as you think! Finding that special person is rare and you are his person. 

 

 

You are right, I will work on my self-esteem. It just after 14 years I still asking myself what did I do to deserve him loves me this much, and he dotes one and loves me alot.

Miss. He has a University Master degree in Chemical Engineering, he makes $185,000 income a year, and 185K that is take home income after tax.

When he proposed to married me, he was very clear on this to me, he said: "Why does he wants his wife to work when he makes enough for his wife to stay home."

I stay home for the past 12 years married to him, even without kids, just a house wife. He takes pride on be the 100% provider, that where he puts his worth in, his career and be the provider, the man of the household.

Because of this, his U.S. citizenship and his income, he owns his house too, he bought the house in cash paid with his Savings, we not even have mortgage.

This alone make me think of what his aunt said, she is right when she said he can use that to go to China, Vietnam, Russia, etc.. and find someone better than me. Those girls will married him for a better life in U.S., and for his USD income.

But you are right, he very clear on he wants me and only me, and he said flat out to my face too, that if I love him back, then grow old with him, don't let the bullocks things his aunt said and keep torture him like this about go find another wife, because he not want anyone but me. It been 14 years, long enough to know who he truely wants.

My self-esteem just low and his aunt words TANK my self-esteem even more.

 

 

[Andrina]

9 hours ago, been14years said:

My self-esteem just low and his aunt words TANK my self-esteem even more.

My co-worker hates me and about half of our work force. If we all let a hateful person affect us by what he thinks or says, we'd all go around work with our shoulders slumped and assume he's right.

Now that you know your self-esteem is low, it would be in your best interest to boost your self-love so that in the future, what toxic people say won't hurt your so deeply and make you wallow.

Your husband says he's willing to live a life without children, but how about you? Have you thought about adoption? And if not, even though you don't have to work, would a career you could be passionate about, or volunteer work, be another tool to boost your self-worth and bring even more happiness to the life you have with your husband? Something to consider. Take care.

[catfeeder]

1 hour ago, Andrina said:

My co-worker hates me and about half of our work force. If we all let a hateful person affect us by what he thinks or says, we'd all go around work with our shoulders slumped and assume he's right.

Yes! Really important point. If we're already feeling low and vulnerable, we're more likely to take on the toxicity of another and absorb that into ourselves, as opposed to when we feel fortified enough, we can let it run off.

I can't imagine, after losing a child, anyone would feel fortified against such vicious and unnecessary cruelty. Your husband responded to defend both of you against someone who is poisonous. The best gift you may want to consider giving to husband for his loyalty and love might be to invest in learning how to value and appreciate your Self. You have the Internet at your fingertips to research potential interests and develop a passion for something that can help to fortify you. You also may want to consider grief counseling, either private or group. One thing about a group is that it inspires empathy, and when we can tap that in ourselves, we tend to become better able to give it to ourselves even as we offer it to others.

Head high, and please feel free to write more if it helps. I believe we're all behind you.

[ShySoul]

12 hours ago, been14years said:

This alone make me think of what his aunt said, she is right when she said he can use that to go to China, Vietnam, Russia, etc.. and find someone better than me. Those girls will married him for a better life in U.S., and for his USD income.

How would a woman who marries him for a trip into the country and his bank account be classified as better? That would be a woman who is using him.

You are already the one he choose. He has said he loves you. There is a reason. Believe it.

13 hours ago, been14years said:

I stay home for the past 12 years married to him, even without kids, just a house wife. He takes pride on be the 100% provider, that where he puts his worth in, his career and be the provider, the man of the household.

How do you occupy your time? What is it you do while he is providing?

Part of self esteem is the act of doing something we love to do, having that feeling of accomplishment and pride in our work and ourselves. It's using our talents in ways that make us happy and fulfilled. 

What is it that makes you happy? What are your talents? Before he told you not to work, what were you dreams and plans? 

Perhaps it is time to pursue something yourself. It doesn't have to be for money. You are actually in a great position to do that. You don't have to worry about paying the bills so you are free to pursue a dream for the simple act of doing it. Volunteer, learn an instrument, take a class... do whatever will make you happy and bring you joy. That will help build your self esteem and get you to focus more on what really counts - all the great qualities you already have within you.

And please keep in mind that what makes a person good has nothing to do with external qualities - wealth, citizenship, a house, our body's appearance or health. What matters is who the person is inside and how they treat others. What makes someone "better" is if they are kind, considerate, respectful, trustworthy, giving, etc..