Am I wrong?

[Lea1113]

16 hours ago, ShySoul said:

Do you want to keep this going? It doesn't sound like she is respecting you in any way or really cares to include you. I'm sorry for that. But at this point, cutting your loses is probably for the best. Stay civil, but only put in what you feel like doing. If that means nothing, that's fine. She doesn't seem like someone who is really worth the effort, stress, or frustration. 

True, I think I will be civil because I am not a rude person. But at this moment, I do not want anything more from this friendship. I do feel disrespected and she really isn't someone I should be focusing on 

[Lea1113]

14 hours ago, Tinydance said:

You said you've really only been friends with this girl for a couple of years, right? Unfortunately in life there are people who will become close friends and some will become only acquaintances. And some will enter your life and then leave.

Yes we met in 2019 and became closer in 2021. Yes, my counsellor was speaking to me about the reason, season and lifetime friendships and that is something I need to just accept with this friendship.

 

14 hours ago, Tinydance said:

But I sort of got the impression that you don't have many other friends? Can you try to start meeting other people through social groups, etc.?

That is correct and something I do get embarrassed to admit. I do not have many friends in person. I have few that I keep in touch that moved and such things but it is not the same. I moved to this city in 2019 and found it to be a struggle to meet people. I tried through work, through the Bumble friendship app. I had a few that were there for a moment. We would meet for dinner here or there. Just simple things. But I would say in the last year or so, those friendships ended and I did not take the time to meet anyone else. I was busy with school and working so I never took the time. 

Now I do realize that i need to try again and it is something my counsellor is 'challenging' me to do. She wants me to put myself out there. 

14 hours ago, Tinydance said:

You know what I mean? 

I know what you mean and everything you said is true. I noticed her absence because she was the friend I trusted and went to for the more serious things in life. She was the one I would call first to invite out and such. 

And in that moment of us getting close, she needed me for the moment. You said it so correctly and in a way I did not really consider. It is not a personal thing against more but more that she does not need me and is not lonely without me. Which is a better way to look at it then me thinking what did I do wrong haha.

Thank you so much for the advice and insight! I appreciate it a lot! 

[Tinydance]

8 minutes ago, Lea1113 said:

Yes we met in 2019 and became closer in 2021. Yes, my counsellor was speaking to me about the reason, season and lifetime friendships and that is something I need to just accept with this friendship.

 

That is correct and something I do get embarrassed to admit. I do not have many friends in person. I have few that I keep in touch that moved and such things but it is not the same. I moved to this city in 2019 and found it to be a struggle to meet people. I tried through work, through the Bumble friendship app. I had a few that were there for a moment. We would meet for dinner here or there. Just simple things. But I would say in the last year or so, those friendships ended and I did not take the time to meet anyone else. I was busy with school and working so I never took the time. 

Now I do realize that i need to try again and it is something my counsellor is 'challenging' me to do. She wants me to put myself out there. 

I know what you mean and everything you said is true. I noticed her absence because she was the friend I trusted and went to for the more serious things in life. She was the one I would call first to invite out and such. 

And in that moment of us getting close, she needed me for the moment. You said it so correctly and in a way I did not really consider. It is not a personal thing against more but more that she does not need me and is not lonely without me. Which is a better way to look at it then me thinking what did I do wrong haha.

Thank you so much for the advice and insight! I appreciate it a lot! 

You're welcome 🙂 Look to be honest I agree with the fact that your friend is rude. And seems to be a fair weather sort of friend. But I don't necessarily agree with some of the other things you said about her in terms of her doing things with her friends or her boyfriend and not you.

For example, I'm someone who has a lot of friends. I'm in two different friendship groups and I also have close friends separately. I have a best friend I've known for 20 years. We have always been best friends and that will probably never change. But she's not part of my other friendship groups. She's married with two kids and she has many friends and also other family. We have never really done stuff like invite each other out with our other friends or our partner and stuff like that. Occasionally yes but mostly if we had a Birthday party and just invited all our friends to it. I don't really know any of her friends well and haven't even met most of them. For example I'm going to a circus show tonight with my family and I invited some of my best friends from the same friendship group. But I didn't invite this best friend because she's not part of the group but also because we just mostly catch up one-on-one.

I agree with you about the money stuff you said about your friend and her cancelling plans. But even though you're disappointed I don't think that you can call someone a bad person for having other friends apart from you and doing things with them and not you. Like, you said she goes out with them and posts on social media and so on. I think because you don't have other friends you want to be included because you don't have other people to go out with. But she's not actually doing anything wrong by having other friends and she isn't obliged to invite you. She's allowed to have separate people in her life. And I don't think she's doing you wrong by having other people to do things with. She doesn't need to make it her priority to make sure you have friends and you go out and so on. Yes a good friend would probably invite you to things more. But at the end of the day you're an adult and if you need friends then it should actually be you making those friends.

[Batya33]

I don't have much to add -Tinydance said it so well.  I can relate.  I moved to my city in 2009 knowing no one outside of my immediate family -my new husband and infant.  I'd lived in the same major city my whole life -43 years. It's really hard to make new friends (no I wasn't looking to make only mom friends) IMO and I had a lot of friends in my former city and all over. So just wanted to say I get it and I'm sorry you're so disappointed! 

[Lea1113]

1 hour ago, Tinydance said:

You're welcome 🙂 Look to be honest I agree with the fact that your friend is rude. And seems to be a fair weather sort of friend. But I don't necessarily agree with some of the other things you said about her in terms of her doing things with her friends or her boyfriend and not you.

For example, I'm someone who has a lot of friends. I'm in two different friendship groups and I also have close friends separately. I have a best friend I've known for 20 years. We have always been best friends and that will probably never change. But she's not part of my other friendship groups. She's married with two kids and she has many friends and also other family. We have never really done stuff like invite each other out with our other friends or our partner and stuff like that. Occasionally yes but mostly if we had a Birthday party and just invited all our friends to it. I don't really know any of her friends well and haven't even met most of them. For example I'm going to a circus show tonight with my family and I invited some of my best friends from the same friendship group. But I didn't invite this best friend because she's not part of the group but also because we just mostly catch up one-on-one.

I agree with you about the money stuff you said about your friend and her cancelling plans. But even though you're disappointed I don't think that you can call someone a bad person for having other friends apart from you and doing things with them and not you. Like, you said she goes out with them and posts on social media and so on. I think because you don't have other friends you want to be included because you don't have other people to go out with. But she's not actually doing anything wrong by having other friends and she isn't obliged to invite you. She's allowed to have separate people in her life. And I don't think she's doing you wrong by having other people to do things with. She doesn't need to make it her priority to make sure you have friends and you go out and so on. Yes a good friend would probably invite you to things more. But at the end of the day you're an adult and if you need friends then it should actually be you making those friends.

100% respect your feedback and you being honest with me! 

I think maybe something was lost or confused in this because I was not asking if she was a bad person for having other friends. They have been friends for 20 years. 

Anyways, I appreciate your response but I do think this makes me look like a clingy, pathetic person lol. Never did I say it or hinted at it to be her responsibility to make sure I have friends. I also do not expect to be invited all the time. In the beginning did she invite me to things? Yes. Once she made up with the rest of the group and the bf, did things shift? yes. Is that what confused me? yes. 

Not calling her a bad person for having her group of friends. The shift in the last year has been strange and confusing for me. She ditched me plenty of times and knowing how important my dog is, she couldn't step up like I did in her time of need. 

In the end it was my mistake to put all my eggs in one basket in my friendship with her. My other friendships were seasons, school and such things that drifted and never got deep. Now that I finished college and work for home, I felt the void more since May. That is 100% my issue and I am not expecting her to make friends for me. I have looked into avenues to do this on my own. 

I more less felt bad that maybe I was the bad friend & person because maybe I did not give her enough grace knowing she lost 2 people in a close span of time and maybe that was why there was a drift between us and of course the surgery and money thing. I felt terrible to ask for it back. 

Anyways, I appreciate your example with your friendships and all your feedback 🙂 Thank you!

[Lea1113]

1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

I don't have much to add -Tinydance said it so well.  I can relate.  I moved to my city in 2009 knowing no one outside of my immediate family -my new husband and infant.  I'd lived in the same major city my whole life -43 years. It's really hard to make new friends (no I wasn't looking to make only mom friends) IMO and I had a lot of friends in my former city and all over. So just wanted to say I get it and I'm sorry you're so disappointed! 

And that is it, I have friends elsewhere, that I talk with daily or at least weekly. But it is not the same.

It was mistake to put so much into the one friendship. 

I am feeling a little silly now. But thank you for your post, I hope you made some nonfriend moms in your new city! 🙂 

[Tinydance]

1 minute ago, Lea1113 said:

100% respect your feedback and you being honest with me! 

I think maybe something was lost or confused in this because I was not asking if she was a bad person for having other friends. They have been friends for 20 years. 

Anyways, I appreciate your response but I do think this makes me look like a clingy, pathetic person lol. Never did I say it or hinted at it to be her responsibility to make sure I have friends. I also do not expect to be invited all the time. In the beginning did she invite me to things? Yes. Once she made up with the rest of the group and the bf, did things shift? yes. Is that what confused me? yes. 

Not calling her a bad person for having her group of friends. The shift in the last year has been strange and confusing for me. She ditched me plenty of times and knowing how important my dog is, she couldn't step up like I did in her time of need. 

In the end it was my mistake to put all my eggs in one basket in my friendship with her. My other friendships were seasons, school and such things that drifted and never got deep. Now that I finished college and work for home, I felt the void more since May. That is 100% my issue and I am not expecting her to make friends for me. I have looked into avenues to do this on my own. 

I more less felt bad that maybe I was the bad friend & person because maybe I did not give her enough grace knowing she lost 2 people in a close span of time and maybe that was why there was a drift between us and of course the surgery and money thing. I felt terrible to ask for it back. 

Anyways, I appreciate your example with your friendships and all your feedback 🙂 Thank you!

Well I do think that she went through a lot of changes, like the two deaths of people close to her. Of course that was going to affect her in a very negative way. But you're probably right in saying that if she feels fine to catch up with her other friends then why doesn't she hang out with you too? 

This is just a guess but it seems to me that these friends are all in a group together and have been for 20 years. When she had a bit of falling out with the other two friends, it wasn't as much of a group. So she invited you along sometimes as well. But now that the other people are back in the group it's like the old times again for them. And the issue is you're not part of that group. I know you're not in high school so it's not some kind of "mean girls" situation lol But it seems to me that these women just go out as their group and that's all. Same as when I go out with my close group of friends and it's just us. We all have other friends and we could invite them but we usually don't. 

 

[Lea1113]

2 minutes ago, Tinydance said:

Well I do think that she went through a lot of changes, like the two deaths of people close to her. Of course that was going to affect her in a very negative way. But you're probably right in saying that if she feels fine to catch up with her other friends then why doesn't she hang out with you too? 

This is just a guess but it seems to me that these friends are all in a group together and have been for 20 years. When she had a bit of falling out with the other two friends, it wasn't as much of a group. So she invited you along sometimes as well. But now that the other people are back in the group it's like the old times again for them. And the issue is you're not part of that group. I know you're not in high school so it's not some kind of "mean girls" situation lol But it seems to me that these women just go out as their group and that's all. Same as when I go out with my close group of friends and it's just us. We all have other friends and we could invite them but we usually don't. 

 

Yes, true. That could be the reason as well. I guess I will never know the reason and maybe I am looking into it too much. 

I more less am disappointed in her ditching me for a few things and the money thing when I desperately needed it. until the surgery for my dog, I never asked her for the money. 

It is what it is, I guess. 

[Tinydance]

Just now, Lea1113 said:

Yes, true. That could be the reason as well. I guess I will never know the reason and maybe I am looking into it too much. 

I more less am disappointed in her ditching me for a few things and the money thing when I desperately needed it. until the surgery for my dog, I never asked her for the money. 

It is what it is, I guess. 

Well I actually think you were well within your right to ask her for the money ages ago. Two years really is too long that she hasn't paid you back. And you could even ask her for it again now.

I don't know what her deal is and why she's ditching you. You said you do still hear from her so I guess it's not like she doesn't talk to you at all. But unfortunately I think she obviously doesn't feel as strongly about this friendship as you do. I think you were hoping for a best friend in her. But to me it sounds more like she sees you as an acquaintance. She has her other best friends of 20 years and you're a new person who entered her life. I wouldn't necessarily say she doesn't like you at all but I think she doesn't think of you as "BFF 4EVA" lol I think if she did feel that way about you then she would actually see you more, invite you to Coachella, etc. 

But thing is, I have friends in my life who aren't as close or are acquaintances. They're not my first person on the list to invite to an event or a concert or what not. But that doesn't mean I don't like them. I do like them but I don't *love* them like a bestie. But often when I had free tickets to something I'd ask one of those people to go if my close friends couldn't go. And it's true they were down the list but I actually enjoyed catching up with them. I wasn't using them like in the sense that of they messaged me, I'd just ignore them. I just don't see them as being close.