Am I wrong?

[Lea1113]

I need outside advice on this one.

I have been friends with this girl for a couple of years. One of my only friendships that I sustained since moving to the city. We met through work (both early 30sF)

She was someone I counted on and trusted a lot with many things. I do not trust people easily.

We would do lots together and even would involve each other’s family.

She went through a breakup and financial challenges, she asked to borrow money and being the type of person I am, I said yes. And I helped her.

Then in 2023, she went through a family loss then got back with an ex who passed away the beginning of this year. SO, she dealt with two big losses in a short time frame.

Last year after the first loss, she made up with her core group of friends (a couple of them and her had issues) and then it seemed like she was doing more with them now that they were all connected.

Anyways, a couple of weeks after the one loss, I had tickets to an event and said if she was up to it and wanted to go, she was the first person I would obviously ask. She said maybe, then never brought up the topic again and I did not want to push for an answer at the moment. So, I went with someone else.

Then, I saw that she did attend that event with her bf.

And some days later went hiking with her group of friends.

THEN in August, we planned to go to a concert. I purchased the tickets. It was in another city, and I was already there days before and she just needed to fly in and meet. Then again, no mention of it. I should have asked but I also felt that I shouldn’t push her. So, I went alone.

To do this day, she never asked about the concert.

We stayed in contact, and I just brushed it all under the rug.

Until I found out in Feb that she had a trip planned to go to Coachella. Never invited me. So that stung a bit.

Then we worked at an event together and the whole time, she just complained. The first day she was late and rushed to leave that evening. The second day, she complained about how hungover she was and wanted to leave early.  So, both days, she left in a rush without saying bye to me. I was the one that connected her with this event and got her the job. AND I guess it hurt that she did not even mention or ask if I wanted to join her out that night.

And around this time of working the event my dog had to go for surgery. It was a costly and at that time, I felt bad, but I was scraping together what I needed for this surgery. So, I asked her for the money back.

She sent me half. Then when my dog did go into surgery, she messaged once asking if she went, and how it went. Nothing more after that one message. 

Then messaged after some time saying she would sell some things and get the rest of the money to me. But when I asked why she was selling her vehicle and what she would do for transportation, she never responded, so I felt that was a lie just to seem like she was going to pay me back.

Then after some time I saw she flew to another city to attend a music festival as well as attending Coachella just a month before.

And since, I have seen her posts of her out with this core group of friends. Before making up with those two, she used to invite me with the others, then she stopped. And she began to in a way "ditch me".

Now, I feel a little jaded towards her and stopped messaging with her. She sent me a message yesterday and I replied just to be polite. But I do not feel the need to say much else to her.

I guess I feel jaded not because of the money, I lent that to her in 2022. We still did things together and I point this out because my mom thinks she is ashamed about owing me money and that’s why she stopped being around me. But I really do not think that, until now once I requested the money back. 

Everything changed when she got back with the bf, moved in with him again, and made up with a couple of her friends. I feel once all that happened, she stopped doing things with me and stopped inviting me out with her group of friends. I am not so needy that I need to be invited to each thing she does, but before she would at least invite me to a few things. So, it all just hurts because I feel ditched.

Am I overreacting? Should I not be jaded and just let it go? The ones I have spoken to about this say that she is in the wrong, but they might just be saying that to be on my side haha. 

[catfeeder]

I think she's wrong for not paying you back immediately, and to me that would have signaled that I shouldn't invest in her so much. Just as she has other friends, is there any reason why you do not?

Loaning money tends to damage friendships. The lender believes that the other will be grateful, while the lendee resents the fact that now they own someone money. Paying it back quickly is really the only way for that person to salvage the relationship, yet once they demonstrate a disinclination to do that, even while they spend on travel and purchases, they're pretty much fracturing the friendship. Overlooking that reduces their respect for you, even while they behave in increasingly disrespectful ways. Applying pressure for payback is their excuse to demonize you.

It's always a lose/lose. You may not believe that any of this is about the money, but once a large loan is made, it always becomes about the money. She's guilty, she knows it, and the more she keeps you out of sight, the more that fact can be out of her mind. I'm sorry, I'd mentally ditch her and file a small claim for the rest of your loan.

[ShySoul]

It's not the money. That's one symptom of the problem. What's bothering you is the lack of respect. 

She isn't putting the effort into paying you back, instead spending money on trips and and concerts. Even paying in installments, a little here and there would show she is trying. But in seemingly ignoring it, it feels disrespectful to you.

Likewise, she isn't including you on most plans when you used to be really close. You feel excluded as if she would rather be around the other people. You helped her through a rough time when those other people weren't around. Yet she still seems to choose them. And even when you are together, she is complaining, leaving early, and it just isn't fun. All of that comes across as not respecting or valuing you or your friendship.

She should be paying you back. She should be making more of an effort.

However, this is where she is at. This is who she is. If you dwell on it, it will only make YOU feel worse. So what do you feel like doing about it? You can tell her how you are feeling and see if she understands and will try to make it up to you. You can forget the loan/friendship and try to move on from this if it's making you unhappy. Or you accept the friendship for what it is, something casual where you get along and maybe do something once in awhile, but that isn't the deep friendship as it was before. Sometimes friendships change and you have to adjust to the new normal of it.

Do what will make you feel best. Good luck.

[Andrina]

Very rarely do friendships NOT change. I, and everyone I know, have been through the same. It's why it's best not to pull all your eggs in one basket because if one friendship lessens or ends, you still have others to fill your social needs.

It's human to feel hurt. I've been plenty hurt by not just friends, but also relatives when it seemed clear that they don't reciprocate what I once thought was a strong connection between us.

I think the best plan is to just match their efforts, and to be open to reconnection if they eventually amp up their efforts if you feel it's in your best interest. If you don't want to risk your heart again, that's totally up to you. Take care.

[Lea1113]

2 hours ago, catfeeder said:

Just as she has other friends, is there any reason why you do not?

I do not want to say I do not have other friends. But she was that one that I was closest with and did various activities with. 

 

2 hours ago, catfeeder said:

they're pretty much fracturing the friendship

And maybe it was my mistake to be so "chill" about it. I just trusted her and it was my mistake to lend money to someone and risky to do such a thing. 

I guess I just trusted the "I will pay you back" and I let it slide since 2022. And never asked for it back until I really needed it earlier this year.

2 hours ago, catfeeder said:

I'd mentally ditch her

I did mentally ditch her as we have not spoken for 2 months. But I was feeling maybe I am in the wrong to ditch her when she dealt with all these losses in her life. 
 

I appreciate your insight on this! 

[Lea1113]

1 hour ago, Andrina said:

Very rarely do friendships NOT change

True, you are right, things do change and I did not expect it to stay the same forever. 

 

1 hour ago, Andrina said:

all your eggs in one basket

BUT i did do this mistake. Like I do have those friends that I can speak with and go out with, however, I did put more eggs in this basket because we just got along so well and I trusted her a lot. So that was really my mistake to do that.

 

1 hour ago, Andrina said:

It's human to feel hurt. I've been plenty hurt by not just friends, but also relatives when it seemed clear that they don't reciprocate what I once thought was a strong connection between us.

And this is what is happening, I am hurt. I have been hurt many times before as well. I guess i just thought we had a strong connection. So it does hurt in the end when you realize it was not that strong or that I valued someone more than they did me.

 

1 hour ago, Andrina said:

I think the best plan is to just match their efforts, and to be open to reconnection if they eventually amp up their efforts if you feel it's in your best interest.

You are right and I appreciate this advice. I was thinking maybe I was wrong in this situation.

But it is something I need to see if I want to reconnect again or just leave it as is.

Thank you!

[Lea1113]

2 hours ago, ShySoul said:

What's bothering you is the lack of respect

THIS!!! In the beginning it was not about the money. I did what I thought was being a good friend and trusted in her enough to pay me back when she had the moment. I was not pressuring her to pay it back either. I was thinking nah, I know she will have my back when needed.

2 hours ago, ShySoul said:

She isn't putting the effort into paying you back, instead spending money on trips and and concerts. Even paying in installments, a little here and there would show she is trying. But in seemingly ignoring it, it feels disrespectful to you.

YES, and before if I asked about a trip it was always "my uncle is paying" or always seemed to be someone was paying and I was like then why didn't they help you? Instead you asked me knowing I was a full time student and part time worker. BUT okay. I just let it be, which again, was my fault for taking a chill approach. 

And at first we discussed that she would pay back in installments.

2 hours ago, ShySoul said:

you helped her through a rough time when those other people weren't around

EXACTLY! I was there when she did not have them, when she was not close with that group of 4 others. She was close with the 2 but she seemed to lean on me more and I was there for her. As she was also there for me!

2 hours ago, ShySoul said:

She should be paying you back. She should be making more of an effort.

However, this is where she is at. This is who she is. If you dwell on it, it will only make YOU feel worse. So what do you feel like doing about it? You can tell her how you are feeling and see if she understands and will try to make it up to you. You can forget the loan/friendship and try to move on from this if it's making you unhappy. Or you accept the friendship for what it is, something casual where you get along and maybe do something once in awhile, but that isn't the deep friendship as it was before. Sometimes friendships change and you have to adjust to the new normal of it

I have been so much dwelling on it as we have not spoken for 2 months. But when she messaged yesterday it made me think, am I in the wrong?
and you are right, this is who she is and she has shown this to me many times but I let it slide or let it be.

I do need to decide what i want to do, if I want to bring it up or just forget. I mean the money back would be helpful but I think I need to not expect for that to come back.

In the end, it really is about the respect more than the money. yes the money is a factor, but it really is the respect and feeling that she does not value our friendship anymore. It hurts, it stings. So I need to see what i want from here. Sigh. 

Thank you for the advice!! 🙂 

 

 

 

 

[Kwothe28]

I think a lot of people are "situational friends". Meaning that, they are friends given the circumstances and their own pleasure, and not because they are your friends. True friends are rare. But "situational friends" are very broad group. For example your work friends are in most cases situational. You work with them, see maybe even outside of work, but if you switched companies, you maybe would not even see each other anymore. 

For example, look at your friend. She "ditched" you the minute she found a boyfriend and reconciled with her friend group. You werent "useful" to her when she had new friend group and bf. She can go to Coachella with them. She already borrowed money from you without the intent to give it back to you. So she has no use for you and said "I dont want to play with you anymore".

My point is, you shouldnt make an effort over somebody like her. She isnt your real friend, just somebody who used to be one. I would request money back for sure. Say that you need it for something, invent something if you need to. But as far as friendship goes, dont count on her anymore. 

[Batya33]

I am really sorry you are hurting.  I can relate.  I really like the input you received here. I had a question -did she ever invite you to do stuff with her core group of friends and -would you have? Is there a reason she did not -just wanted to know more because that would give some more context IMO.

[Lea1113]

1 hour ago, Kwothe28 said:

True friends are rare.

You are so right with that whole statement about situational friends and how true friends are rare.
It is a little sad to think of it in this way, but that is the reality. 
 

1 hour ago, Kwothe28 said:

"I dont want to play with you anymore".

100% That is truly how it went. She even hide for so long that she got back with the bf from me because she told me the things he did when they first broke up. She used me as she had no one else, borrowed money when she needed it then fixed everything with everyone else that is essentially more important, and than thought, hmmm I don't need her now. She was a means to get what i need in that moment.

 

1 hour ago, Kwothe28 said:

My point is, you shouldnt make an effort over somebody like her. She isnt your real friend, just somebody who used to be one. I would request money back for sure. Say that you need it for something, invent something if you need to. But as far as friendship goes, dont count on her anymore. 

Your point is perfect. Your insight is exactly what I needed to read as I was on the fence and thinking I was the BAD friend. 
I did request the money back when my dog needed a costly surgery. She sent half and then made the "I will pay you on this coming pay day, I will sell my jeep and pay you" and so on with excuses.
I know money is the part of the issue but overall, I trusted her to pay me back so that is why i just let it be, maybe for too long which is my mistake. But as someone else pointed it was the respect that really disappointed me. the ditching me when we had plans for the concert, me inviting her out but instead going with her bf, and so on.
She is defiantly not someone I am counting on anymore. At first I was nice as just to get the money back. And now I am just thinking what I should do. But the way you worded things makes me think that yes, she is someone that I should not make effort towards anymore.

THANK YOU!

[catfeeder]

7 minutes ago, Lea1113 said:

At first I was nice as just to get the money back. And now I am just thinking what I should do.

If you file a small claim with your local municipality, they will do the talking for you. They'll serve her, and if she doesn't want to go to court, she'll pay up, and you can be done with her.

Head high.

[Lea1113]

1 minute ago, Batya33 said:

I am really sorry you are hurting.  I can relate.  I really like the input you received here. I had a question -did she ever invite you to do stuff with her core group of friends and -would you have? Is there a reason she did not -just wanted to know more because that would give some more context IMO.

YES the feedback here has been great! I was really on the fence about this situation but this feedback has been really eye opening.
I am sorry you can relate to this situation! I am sure many people can and it sucks being the one making all the effort and not receiving the same effort back. 

Good questions!! SO when she was just getting along with the 2, she would invite me and I did go. We went for wings, or dinner and did few things together. 
And it seemed once she made up with the other 2 last year, that is when I felt she stopped inviting me out. For example, she went for wings one night with the one girl (who I did go out with before) then a week later, invited me for wings. WHICH is fine, we do not always need to go together but I just thought interesting that she went one week with her then one week with me. 

I am a shy person overall, and she knows this. But that never stopped her from inviting me before and I did accept her invites, not to everything, but it was not always a no.

SO as to why she stopped inviting me, I am not sure.
My theory is that she told me one side of things about her and the bf & told them a different side of things. So did not want those stories to collide. 
Also, I do find that she is very much about the looks, the weight, the image. and I am a bigger person, so sometimes I felt that maybe she did not invite me because of that. Like if we took a photo together, she never posted it, but would post with this core group. Maybe I am completely wrong and its unfair to say this about her, but this is just my observations for a bit of time now.

Of course that is just me thinking like where did it go wrong, what did I do wrong, and overthinking the situation! 

[Batya33]

3 minutes ago, Lea1113 said:

SO as to why she stopped inviting me, I am not sure.
My theory is that she told me one side of things about her and the bf & told them a different side of things. So did not want those stories to collide. 
Also, I do find that she is very much about the looks, the weight, the image. and I am a bigger person, so sometimes I felt that maybe she did not invite me because of that. Like if we took a photo together, she never posted it, but would post with this core group. Maybe I am completely wrong and its unfair to say this about her, but this is just my observations for a bit of time now.

Oh my goodness.  That is just awful if you are correct.  Anecdote -I had a good friend who dumped me -went MIA after many years of friendship -no idea why (also did this to another friend who I am acquainted with). Years earlier I'd joined Linkedin.  She and I were SAHM at the time -I was preparing to look for work again.  She'd recently gotten a part time job.  About 1.5 years later I got a job.  Prior to being a SAHM I'd worked in the same industry at her-same-ish level too -for 15 years. Anyway then she accepted my invite on Linkedin.  She told me prior to that she wasn't comfortable linking in with someone who was just a SAHM (no I did not list that on my Linkedin but obviously there was a big gap in employment).  I found this - bizarre and I raise this because I should have known then things weren't as they seemed.  

Thanks so much for the information  It does provide context.  I had a friend once who confided in me about her boyfriend -a grad school classmate of ours. Not good stuff either.  Then all of a sudden they got closer and engaged and she -dumped me -like you I assumed it was because I knew all the "bad stuff" and she wanted no reminders - not that I would have reminded her but who knows. People are strange!!

Feel better and take care. 

[Tinydance]

Well first of all, I do think that your friend is very rude. She has owed you money for two years and didn't pay back all of it even when you actually asked. And you were asking for a surgery for your dog which was very serious! You really needed the money.

Having said that though, maybe it's actually true that other people paid for her to go to some of these festivals or events. I mean, if she's acting like this about your money then maybe she feels perfectly fine to take other people's money as well. Also maybe she did borrow money from other people previously but she just didn't mention it to you because she was embarrassed. 

It was also very rude of her that you arranged to go to the concert together and then she just never showed up. It does seem that you're not really that important to her. Presumably she just forgot about it because the least she could have done is let you know that she wouldn't be coming and apologise.

In terms of being invited out with her group of friends. This is just my opinion but I think when people are part of a friendship group but you're not part of it, they don't necessarily have to invite you out with those friends. For example, I'm in two friendship groups and some of these people I've known for like 24 years since school and some I've known for 10 - 15 years. There are four of us in the group from school and it's actually been like that for basically 20 years. When we catch up it's only the four of us. We all have other friends but we just see those friends separately. It's the same thing with my other group of friends where it’s just our group that goes out together. That group has like seven people in it so sometimes we actually catch up as only two people, group of 3, four, etc. Not all of us catch up at the same time either. I also have other friends which are one-on-one.

I understand it's disappointing but it sounds like this group was already formed and for whatever reason they just want to keep it separate. What I would be more upset about is how your friend is bailing on your plans together or doesn't want to make plans with you one-on-one.

On the other hand though she is still contacting you so she still seems to have some interest in keeping in touch. She may have also gotten the wrong impression that you actually are really chill and don't mind if she cancels plans. I mean, you've never said anything to her. She seems to have quite a few friends and a boyfriend as well. So maybe she thought you don't mind because you also have other people to do things with. 

I think if you want to continue being friends with her that you should actually talk to her about everything you wrote here. Let her know how you feel and give her a chance to say her part. If she listens and improves then you could continue the friendship. If not then obviously she's not as close a friend as what you thought.

[SaiKiiAdou]

Honestly, she seems like a typical user. She is absolutely confortable using people for whatever she needs be it money, company or status.

Now she is back with a boyfriend and other friend group fullfilling her emotional needs, she doesnt need you anymore so you arent as interesting.

The smarter ones of those people will never drop you fully and remain in minimum necessary contact as they might need you again eventually.

 

As someone said you can try laying it out to her and see how she reacts. Maybe she'll realise her errors, or your friendship is completely over.

[AuthenticSelf]

Look like after she borrowed money, your messages between you and her are about that money only.

Did you invite her to anything or only she invites you?

What did you message her about before she borrowed your money?

[Lea1113]

On 8/22/2024 at 5:15 PM, Batya33 said:

I found this - bizarre and I raise this because I should have known then things weren't as they seemed. 

That is all very bizarre and I am sorry that you went through that with this supposed friend! Thank you for sharing this story!

 

On 8/22/2024 at 5:15 PM, Batya33 said:

Thanks so much for the information  It does provide context.  I had a friend once who confided in me about her boyfriend -a grad school classmate of ours. Not good stuff either.  Then all of a sudden they got closer and engaged and she -dumped me -like you I assumed it was because I knew all the "bad stuff" and she wanted no reminders - not that I would have reminded her but who knows. People are strange!!

AND maybe that is what happened here. I feel maybe she told me a part that she did not tell the other friends or vice versa, and she did not want either to know this. As you said, people are strange and we will never know!

[Lea1113]

On 8/22/2024 at 5:59 PM, Tinydance said:

surgery for your dog which was very serious! You really needed the money

This. exactly this! For 2 years, i never asked for it back because I trusted her. BUT during my dogs surgery, I was a part time worked and full time student. SO I needed the money. Simple. 

 

On 8/22/2024 at 5:59 PM, Tinydance said:

Also maybe she did borrow money from other people previously but she just didn't mention it to you because she was embarrassed.

That could be the case and maybe these people did pay for these things for her. Just seems funny how they paid for a trip to Mexico, a trip to the DR and so on... but maybe they did! lol

 

On 8/22/2024 at 5:59 PM, Tinydance said:

It does seem that you're not really that important to her

That is exactly how I felt. After I invited her for two events last summer and she just didn't care to respond. So I took it as I am not important but I just let it slide because of the losses and her bf's sickness.

 

On 8/22/2024 at 5:59 PM, Tinydance said:

his is just my opinion but I think when people are part of a friendship group but you're not part of it, they don't necessarily have to invite you out with those friends

100% true and never did I always expect to be invited. BUT when she was only getting along with the 2 of them (they are a group of 4 plus her) then she would invite me to things. And it seems once she made up with the other 2 then that is when she stopped inviting me to do things. WHICH is perfectly fine, I do not expect her to baby me and invite me to everything thing. But it went to inviting me to some things, to never inviting me out. 

On 8/22/2024 at 5:59 PM, Tinydance said:

I understand it's disappointing but it sounds like this group was already formed

True, They were friends for many years. but as I said above, it went to come invites then to none when they all formed together again.
And yes it is disappointing that she bails on our plans. Now I just stopped trying.

 

On 8/22/2024 at 5:59 PM, Tinydance said:

On the other hand though she is still contacting you so she still seems to have some interest in keeping in touch

I feel she contacts me just to keep face. like she ignores questions I ask such as how her daughter is doing. So seems like service level now. 

 

On 8/22/2024 at 5:59 PM, Tinydance said:

I think if you want to continue being friends with her that you should actually talk to her about everything you wrote here. Let her know how you feel and give her a chance to say her part. If she listens and improves then you could continue the friendship. If not then obviously she's not as close a friend as what you thought.

This  is great advice and something I need to think about! Thank you

[Lea1113]

On 8/23/2024 at 4:35 AM, SaiKiiAdou said:

The smarter ones of those people will never drop you fully and remain in minimum necessary contact as they might need you again eventually

This is what I feel she is doing. Just keep me at arms reach in case she needs me again. 

 

On 8/23/2024 at 4:35 AM, SaiKiiAdou said:

she doesnt need you anymore so you arent as interesting.

100%. I was interesting when she had no one. 

[Lea1113]

On 8/26/2024 at 3:21 PM, AuthenticSelf said:

Look like after she borrowed money, your messages between you and her are about that money only.

Did you invite her to anything or only she invites you?

What did you message her about before she borrowed your money?

Maybe you misread the info I put but she borrowed the money in 2022. We continued our friendship and I never asked about the money until earlier this year when my dog needed a surgery to remove cancer. 
So for close to 2 years, there was no discussion of the money. We met for the gym, walks, dinners in or out. Dinners with only us 2 or her parents/daughter, or 2 of her other friends. We had a very normal friendship. 

It was a mixture of both of us inviting each other to do things.

Our messages before the money was the same as it was after the borrowing. It was only in these last few months that I have messaged about the money because I needed it. 

[AuthenticSelf]

3 hours ago, Lea1113 said:

Maybe you misread the info I put but she borrowed the money in 2022. We continued our friendship and I never asked about the money until earlier this year when my dog needed a surgery to remove cancer. 
So for close to 2 years, there was no discussion of the money. We met for the gym, walks, dinners in or out. Dinners with only us 2 or her parents/daughter, or 2 of her other friends. We had a very normal friendship. 

It was a mixture of both of us inviting each other to do things.

Our messages before the money was the same as it was after the borrowing. It was only in these last few months that I have messaged about the money because I needed it. 

So, last few months the money topic is more intense than ever, is that correct? 

 

Just to clarify, is the problem with her owning you money or she ditched you? 

[Lea1113]

1 hour ago, AuthenticSelf said:

So, last few months the money topic is more intense than ever, is that correct? 

 

Just to clarify, is the problem with her owning you money or she ditched you? 

I wouldn't say it has intensified as I am not pestering her for it. I asked for it back in March and I just asked for it again a few days back. 

The problem for me was never about her owing me money as we had a solid friendship even when I lent it to her.

The problem is that when I needed back and explained my situation, she did not seem to care. Instead she went to 2 musical festivals, all maybe $1000+ and bought a new car. So my issue is that it hurts that I stepped up when she needed it, no questions asked. And when I needed it and still do need it, she does not seem to care.

That is the biggest issue for me because to me, as a friend, you would do what you can when you friend needs it. 
AND then of course, yes, her ditching me hurts. Her not attending the concert, her not attending the other event. AND just overall her seeming to not care to include me in anything anymore.

 

[AuthenticSelf]

1 hour ago, Lea1113 said:

I wouldn't say it has intensified as I am not pestering her for it. I asked for it back in March and I just asked for it again a few days back. 

The problem for me was never about her owing me money as we had a solid friendship even when I lent it to her.

The problem is that when I needed back and explained my situation, she did not seem to care. Instead she went to 2 musical festivals, all maybe $1000+ and bought a new car. So my issue is that it hurts that I stepped up when she needed it, no questions asked. And when I needed it and still do need it, she does not seem to care.

That is the biggest issue for me because to me, as a friend, you would do what you can when you friend needs it. 
AND then of course, yes, her ditching me hurts. Her not attending the concert, her not attending the other event. AND just overall her seeming to not care to include me in anything anymore.

 

Oh, so as I understand it, the problem is as a friend, she did not seem to care when you need it and not to care to include you in anything anymore. 

I feel like we are almost clear on the issue now. 

 

Just wonder, how long has this been an issue for you?

 

Also, what do you want to focus on? (1. she does not seem to care to include you in anything anymore; 2. she did not seem to care when you need it)

[ShySoul]

11 hours ago, Lea1113 said:

I feel she contacts me just to keep face. like she ignores questions I ask such as how her daughter is doing. So seems like service level now.

Do you want to keep this going? It doesn't sound like she is respecting you in any way or really cares to include you. I'm sorry for that. But at this point, cutting your loses is probably for the best. Stay civil, but only put in what you feel like doing. If that means nothing, that's fine. She doesn't seem like someone who is really worth the effort, stress, or frustration. 

[Tinydance]

14 hours ago, Lea1113 said:

This. exactly this! For 2 years, i never asked for it back because I trusted her. BUT during my dogs surgery, I was a part time worked and full time student. SO I needed the money. Simple. 

 

That could be the case and maybe these people did pay for these things for her. Just seems funny how they paid for a trip to Mexico, a trip to the DR and so on... but maybe they did! lol

 

That is exactly how I felt. After I invited her for two events last summer and she just didn't care to respond. So I took it as I am not important but I just let it slide because of the losses and her bf's sickness.

 

100% true and never did I always expect to be invited. BUT when she was only getting along with the 2 of them (they are a group of 4 plus her) then she would invite me to things. And it seems once she made up with the other 2 then that is when she stopped inviting me to do things. WHICH is perfectly fine, I do not expect her to baby me and invite me to everything thing. But it went to inviting me to some things, to never inviting me out. 

True, They were friends for many years. but as I said above, it went to come invites then to none when they all formed together again.
And yes it is disappointing that she bails on our plans. Now I just stopped trying.

 

I feel she contacts me just to keep face. like she ignores questions I ask such as how her daughter is doing. So seems like service level now. 

 

This  is great advice and something I need to think about! Thank you

Well my main advice to be honest is to keep a larger friendship circle so that you have a variety of different friends. I know it doesn't excuse your friend's behaviours but this way you may be able to have her just as an acquaintance.

You said you've really only been friends with this girl for a couple of years, right? Unfortunately in life there are people who will become close friends and some will become only acquaintances. And some will enter your life and then leave.

I've actually had people like this girl as well who I got friendly with at first and then they got busy for whatever reason and started to drift off. I do have a lot of friends so I guess if someone pulls away then for some reason I feel OK about it. If someone starts to drift then I sort of just accept it and focus on the people who ARE there and DO have the time for me. I understand you're disappointed and especially about the money. But I sort of got the impression that you don't have many other friends? Can you try to start meeting other people through social groups, etc.?

To me it seems that you met this girl at a time when she didn't have as many people around her. She had a falling out with those two other friends and she didn't have a boyfriend at that time. It sounds like she was open to being friends with you because she had more free time and not as many people to hang out with. Now she got a boyfriend and she reconciled with her old friends. I think she doesn't necessarily have something against you but she just doesn't "need" you. It sounds like you really notice her absence because you don't have many other friends. But she does so she's doing a lot with them, going to festivals and so on. She still keeps in touch here and there but she's not lonely without you. You know what I mean?